Of Soulful Intentions and Truth

"I'm kicking myself now, Nanay.  Why, oh why did I "allow" you to go on a trek without me!  Because I wanted my own freedom too! I wanted to be able to do my own thing too.  Giuna lang nako ang akong laag! But the truth is I'm dying with jealousy here.  I could not believe you went on a trek without me.  Without me! And that you were perfectly fine with it too.... I wish I could really be happy that you're happy with having had the chance to go but I'm not.  I'm angry at myself for not being able to give you that happiness.  But I'm not happy.  I'm feeling tortured at the moment.  I can't believe I let you go on your own!" (All in Bisaya of course but these are the words to that effect.)

And I sat there dumbfounded because only a few hours ago, we were exchanging sweet nothings.  I was actually floating on air, feeling refreshed from the hike and being with nature and then there was Tatay, telling me how happy he was that I was happy.  What more could I ask for?

I got upset.  I got unhappy.  I could not believe he's telling me he's not happy.  I could not believe he's taking back everything that he said.  Every single thing that made me truly happy just a few moments ago!

For a moment, I felt anger.  I'm angry about how selfish he can be, how immature!  I'm broken-hearted about how it is so difficult for him to give me what would make me happy.  I don't ask for much.  I don't demand riches.  I don't demand material things!  I don't ask that he talk to me 24/7, send me sweet-nothings every minute of the day!  I just want a few moment of his attention every now and then.  I want a few virtual hugs thrown my way when I'm feeling down and bogged down with work.

I recognise he had to do his own thing too and I totally accept it! Of course I have my worries too when he goes on a climb and be with other women.  I get scared that he could slip and forget about me.  And yet, I can't waste my energy on worrying about these things.  I know my worth.  If he decides to throw me away because of other women, then so be it.  That is his problem not mine.  I don't need someone unfaithful to make me happy.  I could never be happy with that kind of person, anyway.  Never.

So yeah, I let him go.  Even tell him every time that I wish he would have fun and enjoy his trip.  I know he likes being around nature and being around people.  That's what makes him happy -- being the center of attention.  And so I let him be. Because, I love him and I'm truly trying my best to love him as he is!  Not, as what I want him to be or the image I have in my head as to what a "perfect" husband should be. I choose to be truthful in acknowledging who he really is as a person -- good things, flaws and all.  I then base my love around that --on his own, authentic self and not some blown-up illusions that I have!

So imagine how upset I felt in knowing he could not also accept me for who I am.  Or to give me what would truly make me happy.  Or to just even trust me or know me enough to be assured that I could never be unfaithful to him!  I think that was what saddened me most of all -- that he doesn't know me.

The morning before the climb actually, we had an argument.  He did not want me to go.  So I had to tell him exactly all these things -- not want me to be happy, etc. etc.  I pointed it out to him how I let him go and wish him luck even in all his trips and why he can't do the same for me.  So in the end he relented, saying, he genuinely wants me to be happy.  It's just that he is totally, irrationally, selfish when it comes to me.  He said he does not want anyone else touching my hand (imagine that!).  Even made me swear, I would ask a fellow woman for help should I need it during the trek!  Really!  And I had to roll my eyes over that.

Yet, when all my indignation settled, I began to see the silver lining behind all that.  I felt grateful that Tatay is so attuned with his feelings.  I am very thankful that he thinks over these things and that he expresses them all to me without sugar lining.  I am very grateful that he is that truthful with me.  That, while he wrestles with his own feelings, fears and ghosts, he chooses to express them all with me.  How beautiful is that?

I'm never one for wasting time on bull-shitting.  I have no patience for it.  I am all for being tactful and careful with words so as not to hurt other's feelings.  But, I could never tolerate being lied to.  I don't want to waste my time second-guessing what the other person really meant or whether he is really being sincere or is just taking me for a ride.  I don't have the energy for it.

This is the very reason why my default had always been to take everything at face-value.  Well, almost always.  When a person tells me something, I don't agonise or waste time analysing whether he or she is really being truthful with me.  I always tell myself, if that is what you are expressing to me right this instant, then so be it.  That is your truth and then I would respond accordingly as well -- from the core of my truth.

I may appear reserved and sometimes even shy but what you see, what I express,at any given time is who I am.  It stems from what's inside of me.  Sure, I would take a step back, think about what would be more tactful or less painful but I would never bullshit or tell you lies just because I know what you wanted to hear.  I simply don't see any value in it.  What would lie beget?  Another lie, isn't it?  Life is so short.  Why spend it playing games?  You'd only end up confusing yourself as well!  Where is the peace in that?  Why bother?

I am not perfect.  I never will be.  I always tell myself that I am still very much a work in progress.  But one thing I am certain is that I always seek to be as truthful as I could be.  I could not waste time and energy in playing games.  It's such a waste of a lifetime.

And yet, I've been played at, it seems.  It broke my heart, yes.  And for a while, it broke my peace.  I could not understand for the love of me how other people could play games.  I could not understand why there are people who would waste time and invest energy in making other people feel as if their friendship is genuine but then it really was not?  How?  Where is the integrity in that?  Can one be truly happy (with themselves) if they waste so much time playing games?  Why bother?  I could not understand.

But then again, I did not want to write about people not worth spending time over.  I wanted to write and celebrate Tatay's truth.  He is not perfect.  Far from it.  But oh my, he is beautiful and truthful.  Oh he could tell me white lies to get away with things true but I do know that where it matters?  At the soulful, core-truth level, Tatay is genuine.  And that is all that matters.  I would not want it in any other way.  Sure, he does not have such large, beautiful eyes that looks at you and makes you want to drown in them.  He has this slit, crinkly eyes that speaks so openly about how he feels inside. His eyes spoke of mirth, naughtiness, even haughtiness, true.  But most importantly, he has eyes that see right through me and acknowledge my own truth and loves me for who I really am. What could be more important than that?

I love you, Tatay.  I am truly grateful we have this kind of relationship.  I am brought back to the many instances wherein we could spend countless hours just talking.  We truly enjoy talking with each other. Sure, we could not talk about books and share the same taste in songs.  Yer, we talk about everything -- what your views and feelings are on certain things... what are your uncertainties, what are mine...  We can talk about the universe... about who I am and you don't hesitate to call me out on whatever drama I'm in.  You know me THAT well.  And that makes me feel truly cherished, acknowledged and loved.  Because, I am loved for who I really am.  And because of that, I love you as much in full measure.

You are indeed after my own soul...

(Sounds of) Zorgaven

Rippling brook

Croaking frogs
Chirping birds
Rustling leaves,
Of the canopy above

Thump of feet
On solid ground
Slipping on rocks
Swishing of clothing
As one treks up ahead

Crackling of fire
Splitting of wood
Hiss of boiling water
Shish of tea
being poured on cup

Lightning static
Clap of thunder
Swoosh of wind
Rain falling gently,
Drip-dropping on the tent

Kurdish music
Erupting laughter
Boisterous clapping
Rythmic stumping
Of feet

Zipping of tents
Being opened
Slap of feet
Being slipped on
Whispered, "bayani bash"

Thumping walking stick
On rocks
Quick intake of breath
As thorns break
Into skin

Ripping sound
Of thorns
Breaking away
From fabric
A hiss from pain

Peaceful quiet
As one watched awed
By the wonderful sight,
Of the valley
Far below.

The Beginning of an End

I was sitting down working at an immediate task but at the same time, thinking also of the things I need to be wrapping up, work-wise, before I leave.  I was suddenly brought back to the time when the family was still deciding on my coming here.

That was  two years ago.  How time flies.  I remember how Rod was giving me a hard time.  He said he does not want to see me go.  He was pretty stubborn about it too, not wanting to talk to me.  But Tatay, when I least expected it, stepped in to say, "But Nanay had to do this for herself, Rod.  She had to find out for herself if she can do it.  We cannot take that away from her.  Then after that she will be home."  Or words to that effect and of course in Tagalog-Bisaya.

And indeed, I've "found out" so much in the past two years.  I've learned that:

- I can do it
- There is always something one can contribute
- I am much, much stronger than I thought
- Indeed it is very difficult to be away from the family, the children most of all
- Love for one's country, one's causes can also extend to places where you find yourself in
- Love comes in various form and levels
- I've reaffirmed that I love passionately and give more of me in whatever "role" and "responsibility" I find myself in
- I am human. I get lonely, gets depressed, can be very petty, and gets tired
- I do rise again... work again... give more of me again despite having bouts of exhaustion
- Love conquers distance.  You always find a way.
- I am loyal, know my limits well and operate within them
- My circle of closest friends can still expand and can be composed of people I've just met, share no history with but have instant connection and shared values (I so love my Kurdish "family")
- My God finds me whereever I may be and continue to bless me immensely
- I am indeed blessed, so much blessed in so many aspects of my life

I've learned so much in the past two years that I've been here.  Now that I'm taking steps of wrapping things up, I get melancholic.

I am finally leaving.  I'm counting the weeks.  Who knew that what was initially planned to be just a three-month "see-for-myself-get-right-back-home" could expand into two years?  I remember telling myself, "Okay, I'll give myself a full four season cycle." But since then, I've spent two of each -- summer, autumn, winter and spring.  I'd be leaving, inshallah, on my third summer  here.  And summer is phenomenal in Iraq hehehe

I remember taking my two-month break last year and came back during summer.  The heat immediately engulfed me as soon as I stepped out of the plane.  Then on my second day, we hit 50 degrees.

Oh! but the warmth I felt here from colleagues and friends. I've been embraced like family and taken into their homes without hesitation.  For which I am truly grateful.  I've suffered indigestion twice after such visits, having eaten so much food! :)  I'll miss all of these for sure.You  don't know just how you've all settled into this tiny chamber in the corner of my heart.

I'd miss Kurdistan's mountains and its landscape's ever changing hue -- white, green, a distinct shade of yellow, brown... and spring's splashes of color here and there... These never fail to enthrall me during my 5 to 6 travel to and from Erbil-Kalar.

But for now, I still have enough time. I've been everywhere but I've been here the longest, away from home.  So, I'm making the most of my remaining weeks.  I'm gonna be working like crazy (that would not change) to properly wrap things up.  But, I would also be hoarding a lot of these memories while I still can...