It’s 3:57 A.M. I’ve been awake since 3:00 A.M. And ever since, I’ve been texting my sister-in-law who’s due to give birth anytime now. She said she couldn’t sleep since the baby has been moving a lot since 1 in the morning. Being a first time Mom, she doesn’t really know what to expect so anything slight of the ordinary already worries her. The fact that she turns to me first hand is something I appreciate. And as always, I’m glad to be of help any time.
In a way I pity her. Her mom is out of the country, so she lacked that kind of support. It’s always good to have one’s mom around in a time like this. Even if only to make you feel there is someone you can count on, someone who had been there, gone through the experience of giving birth. I remember in my case before, I would listen intently every time Mama would tell me how it was with her when she was pregnant with me. She told me I’m a lot luckier since I did not have any vomiting phase or any difficulty while pregnant. Well, I guess being active and vegetarian helped.
I’m thinking now, I really feel a certain fondness towards this sister-in-law of mine. She had always been solicitous and kind to me ever since. Well, it’s refreshing to me since I never really had a sister. I’m close to my cousins but we were all really too cooped up with our respective lives while growing up that we never really had the time to just bond with each other. There was the age difference to consider really and my female cousins who are around my age are living far away too. I grew up mainly around my uncles (Papa’s younger brothers) and my male cousins.
Anyway, I remember feeling surprised to have the hubby’s siblings take to me from day 1. They were simply, accepting… nope, welcoming I think is the more apt word. It was also a surprise to me how they are to each other. Loren or Cristina would be at the farthest end of the city from where we are but they would always oblige their Kuya who would ask them to go home and fetch something for him. Bolo is also the same. It would be 4 am in the morning but he would drag himself out of bed to go to his sister living at the other side of the city who needed to borrow a back pack for an early out-of-town trip. And you wouldn’t hear any word of complaint or misgiving. They just do it automatically. And that generosity they have for each other was also extended to me. From day 1. Imagine that.
I guess that’s what I missed – growing up around siblings. Niño and I are six years apart and as different as night and day in preferences. Our needs are different too so there was never really any instances wherein we needed something from each other. And we always did fight. I’m the perfectionist Ate, always expecting something outstanding from a younger sibling. I was strict, always nagging him to shape up, be more diligent, be a better student, be a more thoughtful son to Mama.. I think I was overly critical of him while growing up.
There was a time when I was much older that I regret being like that to him. I was young, too caught up with the drama of sibling rivalry – jealousy is more like it – to really be the more loving Ate that I should have been. Well, I was also kind to him of course. I wasn’t always the monster Ate. But it was only when I was much older that I shifted into the role of the loving, nurturing and caring older sibling.
I would always worry about him and always try to be more inclusive. I would always urge him to join me in some of my trips but he would always decline. Mountaineering was never his cup of tea. Basketball was his passion. And I guess he was also at the stage wherein he prefers to be with his friends than with family. He was always out of the house that I was tempted to build him a room right next to the basketball court.
In the last few years, especially following his failed marriage, I was the much better ate who was always solicitous around him. At this time, I knew better. I have already learned enough to know the real value of relationships.
I am just truly grateful that I was given that time, that period wherein I was able to show Niño how much I value him. At that time also he was more open to me. He would openly ask me for favors, to buy him some stuff and all that. And I always felt the urge to oblige no matter what. So that is why.
I just truly wish though that I had matured in that aspect of my life much sooner than I did. I think of all the wasted time being the strict Ate when I could have been more loving towards him. But I have also learned to forgive myself. I was young, too hurt, too caught up with my own drama about being unwanted by my parents thus their need to adopt. I did not know any better. Thank God I woke up from the drama in time to be able to make up for all the time that was lost…
Truly, God gives second chances. We just have to be more sensitive and more awake to be able to recognize it for what it is and be able to make the most out of it. I think it’s a tragedy when one is being given a second chance and just did not know it. Because sometimes, that’s all we’ve got. There wouldn’t be any third or fourth chances… So my advice to everyone, life is too short. Let us spend it to be more loving towards the persons around us no matter how unloving they may be. Let us be less critical, less judgmental… In the end, it is always the love that matters. When someone close to you dies, you don’t think about everything that s/he owed you but what you owe that person… Hug the people around you now, draw them close. You’ll never know when you’d lose them.
Showing posts with label Niño. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Niño. Show all posts
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
If Only's
I knew a moment’s weakness earlier looking at some old pictures taken during one of those family trips. Niño was glaringly absent from the pictures. And I felt as if my heart was being torn to pieces remembering the reason for his absence. Mama simply thought it not important to include him. Well, it was a sudden plan and him being all the way at Empress it was much of a hassle having to go all the way there and inform him. (He had a cell phone before but lost it.) We were also taking the van and were afraid with all of us going, there just might not be enough space left.
It had always been like that. I would have to constantly push to include Niño in our trips. Mama sees it as not that important. To me, it had always been important. No matter how “short” or “insignificant” the gathering may be. He is, after all, family also.
I remember how after my wedding, with most of the “clan” being there, on spur of the moment we decided to go visit Aunty Artem’s place in Makilala. We wanted to visit a nearby hot spring resort there as well. I had to urge Mama to move heaven and earth just so Niño could also come along. Good thing he was indeed able to come.
I also remember how I had to fight for Niño’s place as one of the groom’s men during my wedding. Mama thought it much of a hassle having to mind for his Barong and the other stuff he needs on top of the things that needed our attention for the wedding. To me, it was out of the question. Hassle or not, Niño is my only sibling after all. And I don’t see why I would have to bother about the other groomsmen’s barongs and not his. I’d be more than glad to fuss over him than the others.
I remember feeling irritated then why I still had to point this out to Mama. But of course I understood her too. To her, it’s a triviality but to me, it’s an opportunity to make a family member feel he is part of the family. What is a little hassle compared to the opportunity to make someone you love feel that he is important and loved?
I just find it ironic how we always take things like that for granted. We tend to forget that sometimes little gestures such as this counts a lot. True, it might prove to be such a hassle but isn’t it always like that? We wouldn’t mind going through all the hassles, all sorts of sacrifice for a loved one?
I know during all those instances, Mama took it for granted that there will always be next time, next trips that Niño could come and join us without our having to go through all the hassles. To her, it’s just a short trip. We won’t be sleeping over. I’m sure for her, it’s okay for Niño to miss on all of that. I mean who would have thought that Niño would only be lent to us for such a short time? And that there will be no more other trips, other next time with him around?
I guess I’m crying for the missed opportunities, for the times we could have exerted more effort to give him the comfort and the convenience that we could have given him if only we knew then that we will lose him much sooner than we thought. I think I mourn for all those times we could have spent with him but only we did not for one reason or the other. Looking back, remembering the length of time he spent living at Empress alone, I cry for the sheer folly of it. How we wasted all those time living apart when we only have but a little time to spend with him.
A part of me is angry why I haven’t been more forceful, more pushy to make things happen then. And also, to instill in Mama the value of seizing every moment. Ever so often she and I get into some kind of misunderstanding. For a number of times I’ve been urging her to take trips with us. And more often than not such conversations would end up in arguments with both of us not accomplishing anything but hurt each other’s feelings.
To me, she is such a “kill joy.” Instead of warming up to the idea she would just point out to me there are far more important things to “throw” my money on. She would tell me I should rather save the money or pay in full my credit card bills, etc. etc. She would always tell me that I’m very wasteful, could think of nothing but just “fun” and not being wise about money.
I know to her, I’m probably being foolish, thinking only of today and not saving for tomorrow or for the rainy days to come. There might be some truth in that but still, I also think the present is very important. We could not just live our lives always thinking about what is to come. After all, who knows what the future will bring?
Look where did that get us? I feel that we missed out on a lot of things because she is so fearful about a lot of things also; being too preoccupied about the future; or simply being pessimistic. I keep wondering now if she would have acted differently then had she known we would lose Papa and Niño so early on? Would she have made some allowances for time, planned for more trips, see to it that we spend more time together? Because I know I would have.
Earlier, Bolo and I got into a misunderstanding owing to one of his moods again and I felt myself resenting him. I resented the fact that I’ve shared more things and opportunities with him than I’ve had with my brother. I find it ironic especially noting that my brother and I had gone a long, long way than Bolo and I did. I just felt that I did Bolo more favors than I did my brother. And yet here he is, causing me more pain than my brother ever did. I know it’s not good to feel this way at all but I do acknowledge that I feel it now. And I know I also had to honor such feelings.
It had always been like that. I would have to constantly push to include Niño in our trips. Mama sees it as not that important. To me, it had always been important. No matter how “short” or “insignificant” the gathering may be. He is, after all, family also.
I remember how after my wedding, with most of the “clan” being there, on spur of the moment we decided to go visit Aunty Artem’s place in Makilala. We wanted to visit a nearby hot spring resort there as well. I had to urge Mama to move heaven and earth just so Niño could also come along. Good thing he was indeed able to come.
I also remember how I had to fight for Niño’s place as one of the groom’s men during my wedding. Mama thought it much of a hassle having to mind for his Barong and the other stuff he needs on top of the things that needed our attention for the wedding. To me, it was out of the question. Hassle or not, Niño is my only sibling after all. And I don’t see why I would have to bother about the other groomsmen’s barongs and not his. I’d be more than glad to fuss over him than the others.
I remember feeling irritated then why I still had to point this out to Mama. But of course I understood her too. To her, it’s a triviality but to me, it’s an opportunity to make a family member feel he is part of the family. What is a little hassle compared to the opportunity to make someone you love feel that he is important and loved?
I just find it ironic how we always take things like that for granted. We tend to forget that sometimes little gestures such as this counts a lot. True, it might prove to be such a hassle but isn’t it always like that? We wouldn’t mind going through all the hassles, all sorts of sacrifice for a loved one?
I know during all those instances, Mama took it for granted that there will always be next time, next trips that Niño could come and join us without our having to go through all the hassles. To her, it’s just a short trip. We won’t be sleeping over. I’m sure for her, it’s okay for Niño to miss on all of that. I mean who would have thought that Niño would only be lent to us for such a short time? And that there will be no more other trips, other next time with him around?
I guess I’m crying for the missed opportunities, for the times we could have exerted more effort to give him the comfort and the convenience that we could have given him if only we knew then that we will lose him much sooner than we thought. I think I mourn for all those times we could have spent with him but only we did not for one reason or the other. Looking back, remembering the length of time he spent living at Empress alone, I cry for the sheer folly of it. How we wasted all those time living apart when we only have but a little time to spend with him.
A part of me is angry why I haven’t been more forceful, more pushy to make things happen then. And also, to instill in Mama the value of seizing every moment. Ever so often she and I get into some kind of misunderstanding. For a number of times I’ve been urging her to take trips with us. And more often than not such conversations would end up in arguments with both of us not accomplishing anything but hurt each other’s feelings.
To me, she is such a “kill joy.” Instead of warming up to the idea she would just point out to me there are far more important things to “throw” my money on. She would tell me I should rather save the money or pay in full my credit card bills, etc. etc. She would always tell me that I’m very wasteful, could think of nothing but just “fun” and not being wise about money.
I know to her, I’m probably being foolish, thinking only of today and not saving for tomorrow or for the rainy days to come. There might be some truth in that but still, I also think the present is very important. We could not just live our lives always thinking about what is to come. After all, who knows what the future will bring?
Look where did that get us? I feel that we missed out on a lot of things because she is so fearful about a lot of things also; being too preoccupied about the future; or simply being pessimistic. I keep wondering now if she would have acted differently then had she known we would lose Papa and Niño so early on? Would she have made some allowances for time, planned for more trips, see to it that we spend more time together? Because I know I would have.
Earlier, Bolo and I got into a misunderstanding owing to one of his moods again and I felt myself resenting him. I resented the fact that I’ve shared more things and opportunities with him than I’ve had with my brother. I find it ironic especially noting that my brother and I had gone a long, long way than Bolo and I did. I just felt that I did Bolo more favors than I did my brother. And yet here he is, causing me more pain than my brother ever did. I know it’s not good to feel this way at all but I do acknowledge that I feel it now. And I know I also had to honor such feelings.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Farewell My Little Brother
As I made my way through the aisles of the department store, I was fighting hard not to let the tears fall. The mall had just opened and we were among the first customers for that day.
We were shopping for Niño. We were buying his barong, his slacks and his undergarments. As we leafed through the barongs on the rack, I felt the tears run down my face. We were very careful in our choosing. We wanted nothing but the best for him. After all, that would be the very last we would shop for him...
I remember the last time we went shopping together, it was with Mama. We were buying him jeans. He was always picky with his stuff, particularly when it comes to clothes. So it took a while before he decided on what to buy. He wanted a more pricey one but I lectured him on the value of money…
I’m not much into shopping although once in a blue moon the mood would hit me and I would splurge. But that comes rarely and most of the time I splurge more on books than clothes…
Buying things for my loved ones though, that’s an entirely different thing. That’s when I truly enjoy shopping. It gives me so much joy getting into the shoes of those I love and hunt for things that I know they would very much like to have. Christmas, birthdays… they’re shopping feasts for me.
And Niño is among those whom I love buying stuff for the most. He is after all my only sibling, our youngest… In a way, he will always be a baby brother to me. It’s so easy to buy stuff for him as he has little wants. Also, I particularly like shopping for him because he does not make a habit of asking for stuff. He was picky with clothes though and in a way is brand conscious but he would never turn down something that is given to him. But I think, I like buying him stuff simply because he would smile at me every time I give him something. His whole face would lit up, making it obvious that he was really pleased to have been remembered.
Recalling all that now brings me so much pain. Because, I would never experience that again with him… How I miss my little brother… I miss him everyday these days. He and I are rarely together the past two years since we moved out of our Empress home. I already had Baby then and with our decision to breastfeed him for as long as possible, going all the way to Panacan during work lunch break and then back is virtually impossible. Thus the move. So Niño and I would only see each other every time we would visit there and for special occasions or on family outings.
Niño only has one passion – basketball. It was his life. He breathed and lived it everyday since he learned how to throw a ball into the ring… So sometimes, I would shop for some good basketball jerseys for him. The best I ever bought him was a Michael Jordan reversible. He also must love it since he wore it all the time, if he was not wearing his uniform jerseys, that is...
This year, as if we knew what is going to happen, Bolo and I always feel this urgency to give him something. During one of our visits at Empress, Bolo gave him his Sandugo slippers when he sensed Niño’s liking to it. When Mama informed us Niño wore it till it has holes, Bolo urged me to buy him a new one. At that time, we were on a budget. Baby’s immunization was due and it had always been quite costly. I hesitated about buying him the slippers. But I am thankful now that I gave in to Bolo’s urging.
Now, the slippers are at home. The pair was what he wore when we fetched him from Empress. Looking at them now, I am filled with a sense of gratitude. I felt thankful that in his last year, I was given a chance to pamper him a bit.
When we went home to Empress to get the necessary documents following his demise, Mama and I wept when we found the basketball shoes I bought him very neatly packed in its shoebox still…
It was a costly pair and it had cost me an arm and a leg. But at that time, Niño was just fresh from his separation with his wife. I knew it must have been such a painful episode for him given his background. Being adopted, I knew there is this longing for him to have a complete family of his own. Being jilted by his wife, I could only imagine how painful it must be for him. And so I was desperate to reach out to him and to show him that our love for him is enough to fill in the vacuum left by his irresponsible wife (Who showed up during the wake and the internment, btw, crying as if it is the end of the world. I’m sure she was feeling guilty and remorseful. But all that is too late now. She had caused my brother so much pain. She could not take all of that back.).
So, should Niño had asked me for the moon then, I knew I must have tried my best to be able to give him just that. I remembered Mama chiding me for spending such an exorbitant sum for just a pair of shoes but I shrugged at her. To me, it wasn’t the shoes I was paying for. I’m paying for the opportunity to be able to tell my brother I love him and that there are still a lot of people left in his life who loves him. And putting it that way, 4 thousand is way too cheap.
Recalling everything is breaking my heart to pieces. Until now, I still feel Papa’s loss. I still cry myself to sleep every time I remember him. The pain somehow is still fresh. So in Niño’s case, I knew I’m still in for a long haul… There will be tears alright… And I’m drawing my strength from God.
A friend chanced upon me at YM and expressed her concern over how I’m feeling. I remember telling her how everything I knew, the lessons I learned and the wisdom I always bring close to my heart flew out of the window when I sat there right smack in the middle of so much pain.
Oh, I’ve read enough books and taken more than enough lessons and have faith enough to know the afterlife is a lot kinder than our worldly life… But with my brother’s loss – who was only 26, still at the prime of his life and who still has a lot of issues to settle with himself and with his relationships with other people – I wallowed in uncertainty and confusion.
Oh, there was never a point wherein I questioned God and His wisdom in what happened. But I certainly found myself questioning if my brother would indeed experience peace in the after life…
I remember crying so hard one night while he was in the hospital. I was praying for his complete and speedy recovery. Seeing him in tubes, and lying seemingly lifeless in his hospital bed was a heart-wrenching experience. So I prayed hard, that he be spared from all of that and finally recover. I was begging for a miracle.
As if in response, the thought that my brother is suffering and will continue to suffer if his condition will be prolonged came to me as if in soft promptings. I cried harder after that. Because, suddenly, I don’t know what to pray for. Of course I don’t want my brother to suffer unnecessarily. But I thought about his issues. He still had too many unsettled issues. And God, he was still too young. What if his soul will not be able to find rest knowing he had still several scores to settle, that his daughter is still too young, and that he still wished to continue living his life?
These questions are what brought on the uncertainty I felt. For once, I questioned everything I knew about death and about the after life. Because, I want to be certain that by dying, my brother would be given a better deal… I want him to be in peace, and to cease suffering. He had such a difficult life. I want him to be given another chance to correct his mistakes and to rewrite the directions of his life. I want another shot at life for him so that it’ll finally be better and be more rewarding than what he had experienced in the past. I want nothing but the best for my brother. If I could have so much love for the other persons in my life, how much more so for a sibling? A family member?
Now, I’m praying that his soul rest in peace… I pray that God be with him now and that he be spared from unnecessary suffering in the after life. I think he suffered enough in this life time.
I love you so much, Nin. I just hope you know how much… Fare well, go in peace and don’t linger much in this worldly life… Don’t worry about your daughter or about us. If you worry because you were not able to tell us how you love us, don’t fret. Of course I knew you loved me. There’s this thing about family. One does not have to hear the words, it only has to be felt. And I felt your love for me and for Mama… so fare well my little brother… Go in peace…
We were shopping for Niño. We were buying his barong, his slacks and his undergarments. As we leafed through the barongs on the rack, I felt the tears run down my face. We were very careful in our choosing. We wanted nothing but the best for him. After all, that would be the very last we would shop for him...
I remember the last time we went shopping together, it was with Mama. We were buying him jeans. He was always picky with his stuff, particularly when it comes to clothes. So it took a while before he decided on what to buy. He wanted a more pricey one but I lectured him on the value of money…
I’m not much into shopping although once in a blue moon the mood would hit me and I would splurge. But that comes rarely and most of the time I splurge more on books than clothes…
Buying things for my loved ones though, that’s an entirely different thing. That’s when I truly enjoy shopping. It gives me so much joy getting into the shoes of those I love and hunt for things that I know they would very much like to have. Christmas, birthdays… they’re shopping feasts for me.
And Niño is among those whom I love buying stuff for the most. He is after all my only sibling, our youngest… In a way, he will always be a baby brother to me. It’s so easy to buy stuff for him as he has little wants. Also, I particularly like shopping for him because he does not make a habit of asking for stuff. He was picky with clothes though and in a way is brand conscious but he would never turn down something that is given to him. But I think, I like buying him stuff simply because he would smile at me every time I give him something. His whole face would lit up, making it obvious that he was really pleased to have been remembered.
Recalling all that now brings me so much pain. Because, I would never experience that again with him… How I miss my little brother… I miss him everyday these days. He and I are rarely together the past two years since we moved out of our Empress home. I already had Baby then and with our decision to breastfeed him for as long as possible, going all the way to Panacan during work lunch break and then back is virtually impossible. Thus the move. So Niño and I would only see each other every time we would visit there and for special occasions or on family outings.
Niño only has one passion – basketball. It was his life. He breathed and lived it everyday since he learned how to throw a ball into the ring… So sometimes, I would shop for some good basketball jerseys for him. The best I ever bought him was a Michael Jordan reversible. He also must love it since he wore it all the time, if he was not wearing his uniform jerseys, that is...
This year, as if we knew what is going to happen, Bolo and I always feel this urgency to give him something. During one of our visits at Empress, Bolo gave him his Sandugo slippers when he sensed Niño’s liking to it. When Mama informed us Niño wore it till it has holes, Bolo urged me to buy him a new one. At that time, we were on a budget. Baby’s immunization was due and it had always been quite costly. I hesitated about buying him the slippers. But I am thankful now that I gave in to Bolo’s urging.
Now, the slippers are at home. The pair was what he wore when we fetched him from Empress. Looking at them now, I am filled with a sense of gratitude. I felt thankful that in his last year, I was given a chance to pamper him a bit.
When we went home to Empress to get the necessary documents following his demise, Mama and I wept when we found the basketball shoes I bought him very neatly packed in its shoebox still…
It was a costly pair and it had cost me an arm and a leg. But at that time, Niño was just fresh from his separation with his wife. I knew it must have been such a painful episode for him given his background. Being adopted, I knew there is this longing for him to have a complete family of his own. Being jilted by his wife, I could only imagine how painful it must be for him. And so I was desperate to reach out to him and to show him that our love for him is enough to fill in the vacuum left by his irresponsible wife (Who showed up during the wake and the internment, btw, crying as if it is the end of the world. I’m sure she was feeling guilty and remorseful. But all that is too late now. She had caused my brother so much pain. She could not take all of that back.).
So, should Niño had asked me for the moon then, I knew I must have tried my best to be able to give him just that. I remembered Mama chiding me for spending such an exorbitant sum for just a pair of shoes but I shrugged at her. To me, it wasn’t the shoes I was paying for. I’m paying for the opportunity to be able to tell my brother I love him and that there are still a lot of people left in his life who loves him. And putting it that way, 4 thousand is way too cheap.
Recalling everything is breaking my heart to pieces. Until now, I still feel Papa’s loss. I still cry myself to sleep every time I remember him. The pain somehow is still fresh. So in Niño’s case, I knew I’m still in for a long haul… There will be tears alright… And I’m drawing my strength from God.
A friend chanced upon me at YM and expressed her concern over how I’m feeling. I remember telling her how everything I knew, the lessons I learned and the wisdom I always bring close to my heart flew out of the window when I sat there right smack in the middle of so much pain.
Oh, I’ve read enough books and taken more than enough lessons and have faith enough to know the afterlife is a lot kinder than our worldly life… But with my brother’s loss – who was only 26, still at the prime of his life and who still has a lot of issues to settle with himself and with his relationships with other people – I wallowed in uncertainty and confusion.
Oh, there was never a point wherein I questioned God and His wisdom in what happened. But I certainly found myself questioning if my brother would indeed experience peace in the after life…
I remember crying so hard one night while he was in the hospital. I was praying for his complete and speedy recovery. Seeing him in tubes, and lying seemingly lifeless in his hospital bed was a heart-wrenching experience. So I prayed hard, that he be spared from all of that and finally recover. I was begging for a miracle.
As if in response, the thought that my brother is suffering and will continue to suffer if his condition will be prolonged came to me as if in soft promptings. I cried harder after that. Because, suddenly, I don’t know what to pray for. Of course I don’t want my brother to suffer unnecessarily. But I thought about his issues. He still had too many unsettled issues. And God, he was still too young. What if his soul will not be able to find rest knowing he had still several scores to settle, that his daughter is still too young, and that he still wished to continue living his life?
These questions are what brought on the uncertainty I felt. For once, I questioned everything I knew about death and about the after life. Because, I want to be certain that by dying, my brother would be given a better deal… I want him to be in peace, and to cease suffering. He had such a difficult life. I want him to be given another chance to correct his mistakes and to rewrite the directions of his life. I want another shot at life for him so that it’ll finally be better and be more rewarding than what he had experienced in the past. I want nothing but the best for my brother. If I could have so much love for the other persons in my life, how much more so for a sibling? A family member?
Now, I’m praying that his soul rest in peace… I pray that God be with him now and that he be spared from unnecessary suffering in the after life. I think he suffered enough in this life time.
I love you so much, Nin. I just hope you know how much… Fare well, go in peace and don’t linger much in this worldly life… Don’t worry about your daughter or about us. If you worry because you were not able to tell us how you love us, don’t fret. Of course I knew you loved me. There’s this thing about family. One does not have to hear the words, it only has to be felt. And I felt your love for me and for Mama… so fare well my little brother… Go in peace…
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Premonition
The following entry was saved to my blogger account as a draft. The record shows I drafted it on January 26, 2007 at 8:17 AM. That's exactly a month before his birthday and exactly 6 months before his demise...
I never came around to finishing it as work and several concerns took over... I remember being emotional the moment I sat down and decided about writing it. At that time, I thought about his life, our grown up years, my being strict with him... I remember being emotional and thought about how I missed him...
I intented to write about him, about his life, how he came to our family and how much I love him as my one and only sibling... I remember reluctantly giving up the chance to finish this particular blog. Bolo was urging me to change as we were due to go to church then. I remember thinking, I would again have to find the moment when I'd miss my brother to write this particular entry properly as I write only when emotions ride me. It would feel less truthful if I'd write about my brother just for the sake of finishing the entry... I even remember thinking in exasperation when I'll be able to finish it. I remember telling myself, hopefully not as a eulogy...
Ah... I shudder now as I remember all that... It seemed like a premonition to me... Well, I didn't know better... Who would have thought Mama and I would survive my brother? He's only 26 this year... Of course I'm thinking he'd have a few decades more to go...
"My Brother Niño"
Ever since I could remember, my brother and I had more quarrels than good moments. We're simply too opposite -- like day to night -- that it was difficult for us to really hit it off well. Well, we weren't that bad. There were moments when it is undeniable that we do love each other. But compared to the disagreements we had, there were only very few moments where he and I are really that expressive about how we truly feel for each other.
Yes, I guess that's it already. It's not really the lack of love but more so the lack of time and both our being "unexpressive" that is the reason for having more of the disagreements than the "loving" moments. But certainly and undeniably, we both love each other dearly. It's apparent in the look we throw each other, in the silent exchanges of words, in my buying him stuff that I know would make him happy, in his volunteering to watch over his nephew when Mama kid him about babysitting him while Bolo and I are busy with work...
I must admit, growing up, I was extremely jealous of my brother and the slack that our parents apparently provides him which is so unlike of the very strict upbringing I got from them. I guess it's more of the gender thing -- him being male and my being female. Well, my parents are old fashioned so I could hardly blame them for that.
As I got older though, losing Papa unexpectedly, and having learned so much from life, I realized nothing really matters but keeping all your loved ones close to heart. It's more important than having your expectations of them, met. And so I began to be more affectionate to my brother than anything. I still do nag him though, urge him to make something out of his life... But there wasn't much anger in the nagging anymore... It's a nagging not borne out of exasperation but of concern. So, there was definitely a distinction in that...
I never came around to finishing it as work and several concerns took over... I remember being emotional the moment I sat down and decided about writing it. At that time, I thought about his life, our grown up years, my being strict with him... I remember being emotional and thought about how I missed him...
I intented to write about him, about his life, how he came to our family and how much I love him as my one and only sibling... I remember reluctantly giving up the chance to finish this particular blog. Bolo was urging me to change as we were due to go to church then. I remember thinking, I would again have to find the moment when I'd miss my brother to write this particular entry properly as I write only when emotions ride me. It would feel less truthful if I'd write about my brother just for the sake of finishing the entry... I even remember thinking in exasperation when I'll be able to finish it. I remember telling myself, hopefully not as a eulogy...
Ah... I shudder now as I remember all that... It seemed like a premonition to me... Well, I didn't know better... Who would have thought Mama and I would survive my brother? He's only 26 this year... Of course I'm thinking he'd have a few decades more to go...
"My Brother Niño"
Ever since I could remember, my brother and I had more quarrels than good moments. We're simply too opposite -- like day to night -- that it was difficult for us to really hit it off well. Well, we weren't that bad. There were moments when it is undeniable that we do love each other. But compared to the disagreements we had, there were only very few moments where he and I are really that expressive about how we truly feel for each other.
Yes, I guess that's it already. It's not really the lack of love but more so the lack of time and both our being "unexpressive" that is the reason for having more of the disagreements than the "loving" moments. But certainly and undeniably, we both love each other dearly. It's apparent in the look we throw each other, in the silent exchanges of words, in my buying him stuff that I know would make him happy, in his volunteering to watch over his nephew when Mama kid him about babysitting him while Bolo and I are busy with work...
I must admit, growing up, I was extremely jealous of my brother and the slack that our parents apparently provides him which is so unlike of the very strict upbringing I got from them. I guess it's more of the gender thing -- him being male and my being female. Well, my parents are old fashioned so I could hardly blame them for that.
As I got older though, losing Papa unexpectedly, and having learned so much from life, I realized nothing really matters but keeping all your loved ones close to heart. It's more important than having your expectations of them, met. And so I began to be more affectionate to my brother than anything. I still do nag him though, urge him to make something out of his life... But there wasn't much anger in the nagging anymore... It's a nagging not borne out of exasperation but of concern. So, there was definitely a distinction in that...
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