Premonition

The following entry was saved to my blogger account as a draft. The record shows I drafted it on January 26, 2007 at 8:17 AM. That's exactly a month before his birthday and exactly 6 months before his demise...

I never came around to finishing it as work and several concerns took over... I remember being emotional the moment I sat down and decided about writing it. At that time, I thought about his life, our grown up years, my being strict with him... I remember being emotional and thought about how I missed him...

I intented to write about him, about his life, how he came to our family and how much I love him as my one and only sibling... I remember reluctantly giving up the chance to finish this particular blog. Bolo was urging me to change as we were due to go to church then. I remember thinking, I would again have to find the moment when I'd miss my brother to write this particular entry properly as I write only when emotions ride me. It would feel less truthful if I'd write about my brother just for the sake of finishing the entry... I even remember thinking in exasperation when I'll be able to finish it. I remember telling myself, hopefully not as a eulogy...


Ah... I shudder now as I remember all that... It seemed like a premonition to me... Well, I didn't know better... Who would have thought Mama and I would survive my brother? He's only 26 this year... Of course I'm thinking he'd have a few decades more to go...

"My Brother Niño"

Ever since I could remember, my brother and I had more quarrels than good moments. We're simply too opposite -- like day to night -- that it was difficult for us to really hit it off well. Well, we weren't that bad. There were moments when it is undeniable that we do love each other. But compared to the disagreements we had, there were only very few moments where he and I are really that expressive about how we truly feel for each other.

Yes, I guess that's it already. It's not really the lack of love but more so the lack of time and both our being "unexpressive" that is the reason for having more of the disagreements than the "loving" moments. But certainly and undeniably, we both love each other dearly. It's apparent in the look we throw each other, in the silent exchanges of words, in my buying him stuff that I know would make him happy, in his volunteering to watch over his nephew when Mama kid him about babysitting him while Bolo and I are busy with work...

I must admit, growing up, I was extremely jealous of my brother and the slack that our parents apparently provides him which is so unlike of the very strict upbringing I got from them. I guess it's more of the gender thing -- him being male and my being female. Well, my parents are old fashioned so I could hardly blame them for that.

As I got older though, losing Papa unexpectedly, and having learned so much from life, I realized nothing really matters but keeping all your loved ones close to heart. It's more important than having your expectations of them, met. And so I began to be more affectionate to my brother than anything. I still do nag him though, urge him to make something out of his life... But there wasn't much anger in the nagging anymore... It's a nagging not borne out of exasperation but of concern. So, there was definitely a distinction in that...