Samutsari.

 Monday. Samutsari. It was her first day in school. We were not quite friends this morning because I "confiscated" her phone the night before. Good thing she finally understood why I'm doing it and trusted me when I said she would have it back by Friday. So when she came back from school, she was still cold but began warming up again by the time we did our evening run. I asked her how her first day in school was and then she started becoming all chatty again. And so friends na ulit kami haha

Then we tried restoring a certain rythm. Again. Tea after dinner and some quiet conversations. We agreed to start another round of tandem reading. But that was shelved (pun intended) in favour of discussing Jabidah massacre. I was reading an old travel blog of ours in Corregidor and I asked if she remembered the story behind it. She told me it did not ring a bell at all. I was aghast coz it was one of the stories we found quite interesting during that trip. So I did a bit of research and settled with an abridged version of it. She got confused with Ninoy-Noynoy, the father Marcos and the current president so I had to do a bit of side story too.I reminded her about out trip in Ilocos and seeing the "preserved" body of the former. (Made me think though about how she little she knew of the country's history and if she did, it doesn't stick and she soon forgets. Something should be done about it. I told her -- "how can you foster your love for your country if you knew so little about it?")

So anyway, she fell asleep soon after which was really the real intent behind the tandem reading. I've noticed that when I work through the night, I'd find her still awake even when it is already late. On worst days, I'd find her still glued to her phone.

After all that, I did not want to pick up work so I read a few of my older blogs which led me to a memory dump file I made for Tatay during my first deployment to Iraq. It was the first time that I'd be away for more than a month (3 months) so to cushion it for everyone, I made memory "bubbles" for each of them -- letters, journal entries for Rod who loves to read, pictures for Forest and Jade. They were all color coded and dumped in a memory jar for them to pick one on moments they would miss me. (It was a success and we still have the memory jar here at home). Apparently, I also made some for Tatay. I never got to print them because when I told him about it, he was quite frank in saying he would rather call me than read something out of a jar haha!

Anyway, so I came across the file tonight. I laughed at how intense I could really be and how intentional. Those memory bubbles were actually sourced from my journal. I print entries that are significant to them (a journal entry of a day spent with Rod; one on Forest and one for Jade). So they were quite personalised. I've had lots of entries about Tatay too, especially during our first year as a married couple. They were full of musings, reflections and "recordings" of special moments. By "intense-tional," it meant a memory bubble for Tatay which was an adaptation of a journal entry written in English but painstakingly translated into Bisaya because Tatay would prefer to read it that way. Haha!

So here's one mem-bubble to demonstrate what I mean exactly. Kataw-anan. Really, revisiting our old selves could be quite a laugh. But somehow, I love the old me who somehow always found the time to pen down things. Maybe I should revive this habit too. Perhaps if I write quickly as I did then, I could squeeze it in, in my already long list of to-do's. Well, I can be intentional, can't I? And time management is always key. Prioritising what matters most and letting go of the not so important pursuits like social media mindless gorging. So God help me with my many "intentions" :)

Memory Bubble #xx (from Apoligia journal entry of 2005):

To Tatay,

Palakaw ka sa Mt. Apo. Buntis pa ko. Fifteen (15) days ka didto. Ginaandam nimo ang mga gamit nimo sa bed. Sa Empress pa ta puyo ato. Ako naga-prepare pod ko para mag-office sa DAP. Daghan ka sulti sa ako -- mag-uban kay Mama pag-uli, dili magpagabii, magkaon gyud sakto, dili pakapoy. Maghinay pagtabok padulong sa DAP kay kabalo ka mahadlok ko magtabok. Feeling love kaayo ko nimo ato na time, Tay. Wala pa ka kalakaw, gimingaw na kaayo ko nimo ato. First time man gud to na nag-asawa ta na dili ta uban mag-uli sa Empress gikan sa trabaho.
Maalala nko, nagcompose pa ko tula ato habang naa ka sa Apo:

Blowing Kisses in the Wind (Nagpadala Kiss sa Hangin)
Blowing kisses in the wind,
Hoping they'll find their mark.
Blowing kisses in the wind,
bidding them to travel the distance
that separates me from you.
To hold you,
Watch you while you sleep,
Touch your hair and smoothen
them back from your temple,
mouthing good mornings,
exchanging smiles,
a quick hug before sluggishly
rising out of bed,
shared laughter,
quiet conversations,
Your hand touching mine,
all these would have to wait...
So for now, I'm blowing kisses in the wind,
knowing they'll hit their mark...
Blowing kisses in the wind,
knowing you'll feel them too...
Ingat ka rin lagi, B.

Bisaya na version: Nagpadala Halok sa Hangin
Nagpadala halok sa hangin,
Nangandoy na makaabot.
Nagpadala halok sa hangin,
Nagsugo sa ila na tabukon ang kalay-on,
Na nagbulag sa imo ug sa ako.

Na magunitan ka,
Lantawon ka habang natulog.
Gunitan ug hapsayon imong buhok.
Maghung-hong ug, “good morning.”
Mag-pahiyumanay;
Mag-gakos bago mubangon;
Magdungan ug katawa,
Hilom na pag-storyahanay,
Ang imong kamot nag-gunit sa akong kamot,
Kani tanan magpaabot usa habang layo ta sa usag-usa
Mao karon, magpadala lang sa ug halok sa hangin
Kay kabalo ko nga makaabot sa imo,
Kabalo ko na maramdaman pod nimo.
Ingat pod ka pirmi, B!

Hahaha!

Monday

 Goodbye morning kisses and hugs,
Sorting out schedules.

Ulap feeding,

Back filling up my ears, head and heart.

Caffeine in my veins,

Thieves thru the nostrils.

Wide open space,

Calm, quiet.

Grateful.

Today's Carversation

 We were driving home from the reception. Tatay and I started talking about a lot of things. Then there was a lull, some moments of silence. He then blurted out, "Nakabayad na gyud ko Nay sa imong pampaguwapa," sounding pleased.

I actually had to have my hair done and some light make-up because I'm Ninang (support to his being Ninong). It's a bit of a formal affair so a bit dressing up was in order.  Since my cash reserves are at the moment somewhat depleted after some big ticket obligations (Janin's internship fees, Rod's final exam dues and what-not's, Forest's graduating year cost, etc. etc.). I've been relying mostly on Tatay the past days on anything related to paying in cash - big or small hehehe 

That he sounded quite pleased with himself really amused me.  But yes, it feels good to be mostly at the receiving end, a lot these days (and months!) and truly grateful to Tatay. The kids have been spoilt too with food requests this, that and other little purchases.  

He then added, "What else is there? (to pay for?)," to my further amusement.  

I replied, "Gym fees!" It's been a standing joke between us where I'd often lament that I would wait for the day when Tatay would be treating me to self-pampering perks that many often posts about -- rebond, gym membership, facial, etc.

He looked at me and frowned, "Ay dili ko ana. Naay laing mag-gunit-gunit sa imo!"

"Susmio, Tatay, tigulang na kaayo ko. Who would want to touch/hold me?!" I laughed.  

He shook his head and continued, "Ah basta. Dili ko ana. Pwede man ka sa balay lang!" We do have a treadmill and some weights. 

"How about facial then?" I countered, to which he replied, "Sige, kana! Unsa pa man?" This last bit actually made me laugh.  The confidence.  And to be honest, it felt good to be thought of this way.  Tatay had always been thoughtful. He's generally generous. I remember in the past when he was into mining (yup, there was that brief moment in time) and he would give Mama some money for her to spend on anything she wants for herself.  As he also often travelled then, he would spontaneously take out to breakfast by the beach, lunch, dinner, etc whenever he is home. 

But back to today, he suddenly mentioned, "Crabs! What do you like? King crabs? Palitan pod ta ka ana!" He's well aware I'm vegetarian though and he'd made the offer several times the past weeks and I've refused every time.  To play along I said, "Even if I no longer eat them, I'll eat for just one day if it just so you could treat me!" (I'm not quite so sure though! Hehe).

Let's see! 

To Forest on Your Rites of Passage

Dear Forest,

It seems only yesterday when I had to peer though the Nursery Intensive Care Unit (NICU) and felt my heart torn to pieces as I look at your sorry state.  You were such a tiny, fragile baby.  What made it worse was that you had many tubes on you -- one in your mouth, drawing out the blood from your stomach and another on your foot, to transfuse you with plasma naman.  On top of that, you were blindfolded with a white strip of cloth over your eyes to shield them from the very bright light they had directed on you because you needed sunlight.  But since you were confined to the NICU, the light bulb was the next best alternative.

I remember shaking at the utter ache of wanting to hold you; to lend to you my warmth; to reassure you that you are loved. 

I remember how when you were little, you were always the sweetest, the most caring and thoughtful.  Kuya Rod would often tease me and criticize me but you would always defend me.  One time Kuya found me busy with my phone, looking at facebook and he immediately said, "Haay si Nanay nasa fb na naman.  Maka-bobo gud yang facebook!" You immediately remarked, "Di gud, Nay. Huwag ka maniwala kay Kuya.  Mag facebook ka lang gud."  And to Kuya you said, "Bakit pala, Kuya? Hayaan mo lang pala si Nanay kung saan siya masaya?"  

At another time, I had my haircut and when you came to pick me up from the parlor, Kuya immediately said upon seeing me, "Hello, Dora!" Alluding to the fact that my new haircut was similar to the cartoon character, Dora's hair.  Kuya added, "Pangit gud, Nay!"  You again came to my rescue, "Di gud Nay! Maganda ka! Bagay sa yo!"

I remember one of our brunch conversations where you were enumerating the things you would give us when you're older and have money already. You said you'd give Tatay cars and helicopter.  But to me you said you would give me a book cafe.  And to me that is very telling. That you know me and what I want.  And that feels good to "seen" in that sense.

I remember one occasion -- I guess it was our anniversary -- when you made such a fuss and you gifted Tatay and I this card that you've drawn yourself that says -- "The Best Parents."  It was shaped like a trophy with a ribbon.  You were that sweet.  

Maybe that is why, sometimes, it always surprises me when you demonstrate such fire -- you talk back, raise your voice on us, on me.  I would look at you and ask myself, where has that sweet, little girl gone to?

But I know, Anak, deep down, you are still that sweet, little girl.  Unlike before though, you have grown up so much you are beginning to see that we are not "best parents."  Your eyes are finally opened and see how we make mistakes too, make bad judgments and bad calls.  And to me, while that may be hurtful to me at times, I regard it as just a demonstration that you have grown up as a person, aware and conscious of many things.

I've seen you during your project presentation so confident, so sure and I said to myself then, "Dako na gyud si Forest..."  And to me, such a special, strong, confident almost-woman you are turning out to be.  And I am very proud of you.

I would watch you so intent while playing your viola during orchestra practice and during actual shows and again, I would be so proud.  I see you do ballet in such a good form and I tell myself how much you've developed from that shy, unsure little "ballerina," into one who works hard and take pride in executing every step and every form, beautifully and the right way.  

When we were in Mayon and you drove that ATV all on your own, hurdling the stream, mini-river, bumps, lumps, and all, I was amazed again by you.  How brave! And recently, on our Apo trip, I'd seen you hurdle every step in a steady, non-complaining way.  I can see that you are turning out to be a strong, almost-independent person who is not afraid to try new things.  You are turning out to be someone who can accomplish anything you put your mind and heart to.  And it is beautiful to watch, this unfolding of yours.

I pray that God will grant you wisdom so you would be able to choose wisely -- to do what is right, just and in keeping with what is good and true.  Life is short, Anak.  It would be such a waste to devote it in something that would destroy yours or another person's spirit.  I pray that you continue to be kind but at the same time, would also expect to be shown kindness.  Not someone who gets abused because you are too kind.

Go for the stars, Anak. If there is anything that you are proving to be everyday, it is that you can do anything you can set your heart and mind to.  Just be careful of your choices always.  Do not do things that would compromise your future or that would result in long-lasting consequences.  Know that Nanay and Tatay, imperfect as we are, are always here to support you, love you unconditionally and be your wings as you soar to greater heights.  

I love you. I love you. With every breath of my being. I love you. Ingat lagi.

Nanay

Crazy, Crappy Week

 I've been staring at this presentation for a webinar next week.  I know I ought to finish it. Well, it is finished but I know I needed to edit it further in order to make it more useful and fit for the the session's objective. I also know that as is, I could swing it but I'm always a stickler for details and more often than not, I don't like to compromise when it comes to intent, what's true and would be more useful.  The only problem is, we had such a crappy week at work and I feel myself struggling and demotivated.

Finally, the proposed organogram for the "change process" has been shared.  While my role is not impacted (and I should be relieved), many in our team are.  Like four/five of them.  And there are only 9 of us in the team.  

We have a lot of "projects/tasks" in full swing -- the meta analysis; the MEAL Minimum Standards (finally in it "almost signed off" stage); country request for evaluation; some webinars and collaborations with other MEALies in the confederation.  And then the bombshell.  

The sides are for a session on humanitarian evaluation next week.  I was excited for it and quite happy to share what I know and can draw from a well of experience.  Then, again the bombshell.  I was still functional the entire week, nonetheless.  Attended call meetings, provided inputs on some queries.  In fact, we were on our day 2 of planning for what MEAL would look like in the face of the changing humanitarian context.  Then many of us got "the call."  It is tough to be a manager and having to be "responsible" for and accountable to other souls. How can one provide enough support when you don't have the answers yourself?  How can you discuss deadlines and tasks when you know many of your colleagues are still reeling from the news of being likely losing one's job in the immediate future?!

I need to continue working though and finish the tasks, demotivated or not.  I have to. So help me, God

Demonstrated Co-Leading

 Something funny happened yesterday during theMass. I was a bit irked at Tatay over something prior, so I was really praying that I'd be at the right disposition soon while there. It felt off, it being Easter Mass and all. Then came renewal of baptism time. We lighted some candles and after, the priest and lay ministers blessed everyone with holy water. We were at the back of the church because we were a bit late. When the lay minister came to us, he somehow "showered" Tatay with a bit more water. I heard the candle fizzle at the contact. Tatay was seated behind me. The kids turned to look as well. Tatay then said sheepishly he was quite a sinner thus he was "poured over" generously. I knew he was trying to make me laugh because I was angry at him. He succeeded. I can't stop myself from laughing. I tried to be quiet though. This guy really. Sometimes, I can't! :)

I've been feeling a bit neglected of late and quite vocal about it too. Not neglected because he took me for granted but more since bec he is busy, the managing of the household and the children was left to me. He takes Forest to school though most days and picks her up after too. But the overall well-being chu chu was all passed on to me. Not that I mind really. It's just that I am also really busy at work and I feel that he seem not to acknowledge that too and just left me managing everything. Also, at times, he is a bit short of patience when Forest is late in going home from school because he had other appointments to go to after. An episode of that took us to WW3 hehe I was not hearing his excuses one bit. To me, the children comes first, every time. Bahala na ako. But being extra patient with the children when the situation calls for it, non-negotiable.

But at Apo, during the climb, he was Mr. In-charge again. Ever mindful, ever alaga, ever patient. Teaching the children this, reminding them that.... Ensuring everyone's safety and needs are met.

I was suddenly reminded why I fell for him in the first place. I am independent and always able to manage things on my own. Sometimes, I even prefer to do things on my own. But when it comes to the children, I'm deadset about demonstrated co-leading and co-nurturing because the children need examples to live by. Because the children deserve it.

Now, I'm beginning to understand what the children meant when they tell me my standards are high. I am all for everything, open and non-judgmental on many things. And try to be conscious and mindful all the time. My byline, "To each his own." But when it comes to the children, I am indeed a bit, inflexible. I've set the bar high on certain things. Some values are non-negotiables. But I'm thinking now, I wouldn't want it any other way. I want the children to learn from that as well. Sure, they are their own persons and some of my values they may adapt or may "adjust" according to their truth. I am all for that. There is no way I would wrestle them over that. But I feel, I have to set certain standards for them to emulate and live by. If I set them way low, they would compromise on certain values that shouldn't be compromised at all -- like upholding the truth, trying one's best, being respectful and kind and "demanding" the same for themselves. I wouldn't want them to be "abused" or taken for granted in anyway. By kindness, I meant it had to be reciprocal. They had to be kind but not a doormat. If that is setting the bar too high then so be it. I wouldn't want it to be lower than that.

I am not perfect. I wrestle with my own ghosts too. I fall, become too loud, too demanding, a little bit crazy. But I try my best to be the best version of me, upholding my highest value at moments when and where it matters most. And I hope and pray that is serving the children well too. So help me, God.

Ah-dull-essence

So my little girl came down from the stairs calling out to me crying. We've had a massive fight.  Well not really. More like I scolded her really hard and then I went down to wash the dishes to let of a bit of steam. Lately, she had been quite snappy (and snarky! Snarly, more like it) with me which both incensed and pained me.  My well-schooled (from all the reading on the topic), logical mind knows she is in a phase.  My illogical, emotional, motherly heart however is seeking for the what-used-to-be-so-sweet-gentle-and-caring demeanor in a face that is almost distorted with angst and irritation.  My little sunshine has turned into this moody, scorching ball of fire.  And my heart breaks each time.  So today, it seems, it has come to a head.  

A few months back I happen to read a text from my old phone that she often use.  It is where I keep my authenticator app for work and other related apps like Outlook and Teams.  So when a messaged popped, my default was to check.  It did not help that I was working and distracted and quite a fast reader that I happen to scan the full message before it dawned on me that it wasn't for me but Forest.  And the message while innocent as it was, had the instant effect of turning my blood cold. I froze. Denial came as a reflex. Nah, not my Baby Forest.  

Looking back, there was nothing to it really.  But I guess it was just lurking in my head and since that day, a big pendulum has lodged itself there.  My thoughts would swing from being reasonable, asking myself had I been such an expressive 14 year old to the 'object of my affection.' (Hah! I wasn't at all.  I've written various entries in my diary though haha! And, at 15 years old, had 'co-authored' a journal with my 3 other closest friends.  We even named that journal -- littered with accounts of crush-sighting and 'sighing' our feelings into its pages -- Honeysuckle! How cheeky! Haha! But enough of me!) 

So I've been swinging from being indignant to being understanding to having difficulty in coming into terms with my little one's being finally infatuated. Yep! (Shocking huh?)  So today, against my better judgment (I have thought about playing the role of the bestfriend-Mom, all gushy and excited and laying myself open so she would feel comfortable about opening up to me.), I've gotten angry. While I did not raise my voice as I normally would when I become exasperated, I knew Forest could tell I was angry.  The gist of what I told her is that she is too young, in my opinion.  What's the rush?  Although I also did make it clear that I am not invalidating her feelings. Too young. Too rushed.  At one point I told her, how can she be that kind, sweet to another while these past months she had been nothing but snarky to me, her Mom, even when there was very little reason for her to be so.  I was petty too, asking where is that little girl saying she wouldn't have a boyfriend until she is forty! (Petty indeed as she was only 8 years old then!)

I stormed out of her room and washed the dishes so I could somehow project my busy thoughts into my busy hands, doing something mechanical.  Then she came down crying. I did not hear her at first but when I moved closer to comfort her, I heard her say, "Sorry."  She told me she had always wanted to say sorry every time she gets too moody with me.  Then she told me, she's very scared at the moment but that she wanted to open up to me because she trusts me.  And that she is seeking my guidance.  I hugged her and told her that I'm not saying she should not have crushes or foster affection towards someone.  I also reassured her that she had nothing to be scared coz with me she can be as raw as she can be and that I'd love her no less; how I might get angry too but that doesn't mean I'd stop loving her.  She said she knew that, that is why she muster her courage to talk to me about it. 

I told her at that age, it is but natural but also pointed out that having these feelings do not mean rushing into having labels.  Why not just delight in having the feelings, be mindful of it... grow towards it... reflect on what it does to her becoming as a person?  I reminded her that having all these feelings does not necessarily mean that you have to do something about it or to immediately act on it.  I said it is all these external media bombardment, the urgency to do something about the feelings, labeling it...  She smiled and said, "Labels... no labeling.. what comes to mind now is no labeling oneself, calling oneself, 'procrastinator.'"  I had to pause at that and reminded her of our standing rule at home -- no labeling. I nag about doing things right away and the right way but never about labeling someone as procrastinator or lazy...  To which she nods assent. 

We've had a bit more exchanges after that but my take away is that, it is alright.  It is alright if parents cannot be that chummy-chummy-mommy-excited-with-anything if the glove does not fit.  I am not saying one couldn't be as well.  To each her own.  In my case, I've been raised in a very strict, conservative household.  While I try so hard not to emulate the same thing in dealing with my daughter, I am realistic enough to know that I could not totally escape from that conditioning.  So I've warned her early on.  Nanay could be tough when it comes to things like this.  And she was quite understanding saying, she's fine to have me scold her.  But I guess, a 10-year old saying that is totally different from a 14-year old totally immersed with the feeling.  It is alright as long as you've kept that communication channels open and established quite early on that you are coming from the position of love.  Because even if you are not chummy-chummy, and might be even a bit strict, your child will still come to you for questions, to seek guidance. I'm thankful I've also managed to establish that early on with the children as well.  I've told them -- come to me for your questions.  Your peers could be as clueless as you but Nanay would have the advantage of having been there, having stumbled and learned...

I reminded Forest that what is important right now is that she thinks about growing as a person, defining her person, what she wants... and that holds true for her big crush as well... I said it could be that as they grow, they would like each other even more for who they are becoming to be or maybe the opposite, and that is alright.  She was quick to tell me that she knows and understand all that. And that she is realistic enough to know that the future may hold something different. 

Ah... so there's nothing dull about dealing with an adolescent daughter or son for that matter.  Rod and I have our massive fights as well.  But I am ever so grateful that they still come to me for their questions and that they still seek me out for guidance -- for something as little as what color to dye their hair with to how to maneuver their growing feelings towards someone.   Ah....help me, Abba.

Lourdes

We almost missed our connecting train. We took a 6:40 am train from Lyon.  We knew we were to transfer to another train from Toulouse.  We had a hard time finding the correct platform though.  Good thing we managed to at the last minute.  

I held my breath while I was looking at my cousins run with their (humungous) luggage (filled with carefully labeled and coordinated daily fashion/OOTD, mini-packets) and board another coach while their other foot is suspended in the air from having just leapt off the platform. 

I found our train when it was just about to leave and I had to run back to where they were still trying to figure out what our ticket says.  So I was much closer to the train than they were, able to find the correct coach and board ahead.  I also have two but smaller suitcases.  Each, about 1/3 the size of theirs.  In contrast, mine is filled with dresses, shorts, bottoms and tops that are about the size of my palm when folded. (And my hands are smaller than the normal adult).  So definitely had the advantage. I leaned out to check if I had to leap right back to the platform should they miss boarding.  

(Somehow, I was reminded of a similar experience during mine and Ate's Myanmar rendezvouz.  I ended up boarding an entirely different bus from theirs, almost got lost in between, and made it to Bagan way ahead of them.  On my own.  The Myanmar blog chronicles it all). 

I was officially on leave from work but did agree to a quick, consultation call.  I did warn them I am going to be onboard a train.  I had to settle down quickly, only to find out the train's wifi is not working.  I had to go to where Ate is so she could turn on her data roaming. (Mine ran out 2 days before despite having bought a 21-day, 19+ countries data package and barely using it. Will never buy from this service provider again.) The call was a minor disaster as they also have some power interruptions from their end so we agreed to postpone to when I get settled at the hotel.

Lourdes was a quaint, little town we soon found out. My cousins went out ahead to the grotto while I had my call. I was about to leave the hotel when I got the call from Ate requesting that I buy them some hankies to wet with the water from the grotto. So bought them I did. The Shrine turned out to be huge. There are several chapels and designated spaces for confessions, praying, bath, etc. I went to several chapels but haven't found my cousins. I finally settled at the grotto and send my prayers. 

After a while I noticed a procession coming from the complex across the river. There were many people and some are on wheelchairs. It was such a sight to behold. Especially with all the banners raised high as well.  It had a "crusade" kind of vibe, only in this case, there were wheelchairs, some 'passengers' of which look visibly sick, in lieu of horses and knights.  

I knew that Ate and everyone are with them so I waited patiently amongst the crowd. When I spotted them, I joined them in the procession.