Dear Forest,
It seems only yesterday when I had to peer though the Nursery Intensive Care Unit (NICU) and felt my heart torn to pieces as I look at your sorry state. You were such a tiny, fragile baby. What made it worse was that you had many tubes on you -- one in your mouth, drawing out the blood from your stomach and another on your foot, to transfuse you with plasma naman. On top of that, you were blindfolded with a white strip of cloth over your eyes to shield them from the very bright light they had directed on you because you needed sunlight. But since you were confined to the NICU, the light bulb was the next best alternative.
I remember shaking at the utter ache of wanting to hold you; to lend to you my warmth; to reassure you that you are loved.
I remember how when you were little, you were always the sweetest, the most caring and thoughtful. Kuya Rod would often tease me and criticize me but you would always defend me. One time Kuya found me busy with my phone, looking at facebook and he immediately said, "Haay si Nanay nasa fb na naman. Maka-bobo gud yang facebook!" You immediately remarked, "Di gud, Nay. Huwag ka maniwala kay Kuya. Mag facebook ka lang gud." And to Kuya you said, "Bakit pala, Kuya? Hayaan mo lang pala si Nanay kung saan siya masaya?"
At another time, I had my haircut and when you came to pick me up from the parlor, Kuya immediately said upon seeing me, "Hello, Dora!" Alluding to the fact that my new haircut was similar to the cartoon character, Dora's hair. Kuya added, "Pangit gud, Nay!" You again came to my rescue, "Di gud Nay! Maganda ka! Bagay sa yo!"
I remember one of our brunch conversations where you were enumerating the things you would give us when you're older and have money already. You said you'd give Tatay cars and helicopter. But to me you said you would give me a book cafe. And to me that is very telling. That you know me and what I want. And that feels good to "seen" in that sense.
I remember one occasion -- I guess it was our anniversary -- when you made such a fuss and you gifted Tatay and I this card that you've drawn yourself that says -- "The Best Parents." It was shaped like a trophy with a ribbon. You were that sweet.
Maybe that is why, sometimes, it always surprises me when you demonstrate such fire -- you talk back, raise your voice on us, on me. I would look at you and ask myself, where has that sweet, little girl gone to?
But I know, Anak, deep down, you are still that sweet, little girl. Unlike before though, you have grown up so much you are beginning to see that we are not "best parents." Your eyes are finally opened and see how we make mistakes too, make bad judgments and bad calls. And to me, while that may be hurtful to me at times, I regard it as just a demonstration that you have grown up as a person, aware and conscious of many things.
I've seen you during your project presentation so confident, so sure and I said to myself then, "Dako na gyud si Forest..." And to me, such a special, strong, confident almost-woman you are turning out to be. And I am very proud of you.
I would watch you so intent while playing your viola during orchestra practice and during actual shows and again, I would be so proud. I see you do ballet in such a good form and I tell myself how much you've developed from that shy, unsure little "ballerina," into one who works hard and take pride in executing every step and every form, beautifully and the right way.
When we were in Mayon and you drove that ATV all on your own, hurdling the stream, mini-river, bumps, lumps, and all, I was amazed again by you. How brave! And recently, on our Apo trip, I'd seen you hurdle every step in a steady, non-complaining way. I can see that you are turning out to be a strong, almost-independent person who is not afraid to try new things. You are turning out to be someone who can accomplish anything you put your mind and heart to. And it is beautiful to watch, this unfolding of yours.
I pray that God will grant you wisdom so you would be able to choose wisely -- to do what is right, just and in keeping with what is good and true. Life is short, Anak. It would be such a waste to devote it in something that would destroy yours or another person's spirit. I pray that you continue to be kind but at the same time, would also expect to be shown kindness. Not someone who gets abused because you are too kind.
Go for the stars, Anak. If there is anything that you are proving to be everyday, it is that you can do anything you can set your heart and mind to. Just be careful of your choices always. Do not do things that would compromise your future or that would result in long-lasting consequences. Know that Nanay and Tatay, imperfect as we are, are always here to support you, love you unconditionally and be your wings as you soar to greater heights.
I love you. I love you. With every breath of my being. I love you. Ingat lagi.
Nanay
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