To be Present Once Again...

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"teaching people to look. Not to glance, not to observe from a distance, but to be present to the actual world with enough patience and humility that it shows you something you could not have predicted"

I have yet to read her books but what a legacy. Funny how this found me today. Of late, even on a busy mind for work, at some tiny portion of it, I'm bemoaning (perhaps even mourning) how the ability (art?) of really seeing is dying. Almost everyone is on their screens. Even the children when we are driving, we often have to urge them -- look outside, notice things... I'd be in a quiet corner of a cafe or a new place and notice, nobody seems to be "people watching" anymore... not the looking and judging kind but having that stillness to just look at how life flows, imagining where that guy with a backpack is hurrying to; or whether this new couple who just came in have been together for years or just recently, how they've met... I'd sit at airports these days and most people are just looking at their screens to while the time away. Even at home which is sad. In fairness, the children are on screens for school work like 75% of the time, but since they're already at it, it's so easy to switch to "taking the break" through doom scrolling for the rest of it. At these moments, the only conversation taking place is when I get a lliteral shoutout -- "Nanay, listen to this. Tell me what you think. Does it sound right?" -- for their homework. Or, "Nanay, listen to this. Do you know this song," which is often better because it leads to actual conversations.

Haaay.... these days my phone is often "lost" and "somewhere," (which makes third party authorisation requests a mini-adventure of treasure hunt of sorts); but it allows me that breathing space to just people watch and notice my surroundings. But even I, am guilty of doom scrolling on many ocassions.

So yeah... life is beautiful and magic are often found in tiny, simple moments. I'm also reminding myself this -- let's slowly and consciously do away with our phones to look up, notice the little things, let our inner world breathe and think... it's been slowly dying because we've been constantly bombarding ourselves with external content. Really notice our loved ones around us, their little quirks and authentic self that is for us to discover everyday, know and love... We've lost that. No wonder so many of us are depressed because we've lost that deep and real connection that can only be sustained by really being together, having that face to face conversation, and a little pat here and there... Everything comes and goes in a blink. Life flows. It does not wait on us..

Samutsari.

 Monday. Samutsari. It was her first day in school. We were not quite friends this morning because I "confiscated" her phone the night before. Good thing she finally understood why I'm doing it and trusted me when I said she would have it back by Friday. So when she came back from school, she was still cold but began warming up again by the time we did our evening run. I asked her how her first day in school was and then she started becoming all chatty again. And so friends na ulit kami haha

Then we tried restoring a certain rythm. Again. Tea after dinner and some quiet conversations. We agreed to start another round of tandem reading. But that was shelved (pun intended) in favour of discussing Jabidah massacre. I was reading an old travel blog of ours in Corregidor and I asked if she remembered the story behind it. She told me it did not ring a bell at all. I was aghast coz it was one of the stories we found quite interesting during that trip. So I did a bit of research and settled with an abridged version of it. She got confused with Ninoy-Noynoy, the father Marcos and the current president so I had to do a bit of side story too.I reminded her about out trip in Ilocos and seeing the "preserved" body of the former. (Made me think though about how she little she knew of the country's history and if she did, it doesn't stick and she soon forgets. Something should be done about it. I told her -- "how can you foster your love for your country if you knew so little about it?")

So anyway, she fell asleep soon after which was really the real intent behind the tandem reading. I've noticed that when I work through the night, I'd find her still awake even when it is already late. On worst days, I'd find her still glued to her phone.

After all that, I did not want to pick up work so I read a few of my older blogs which led me to a memory dump file I made for Tatay during my first deployment to Iraq. It was the first time that I'd be away for more than a month (3 months) so to cushion it for everyone, I made memory "bubbles" for each of them -- letters, journal entries for Rod who loves to read, pictures for Forest and Jade. They were all color coded and dumped in a memory jar for them to pick one on moments they would miss me. (It was a success and we still have the memory jar here at home). Apparently, I also made some for Tatay. I never got to print them because when I told him about it, he was quite frank in saying he would rather call me than read something out of a jar haha!

Anyway, so I came across the file tonight. I laughed at how intense I could really be and how intentional. Those memory bubbles were actually sourced from my journal. I print entries that are significant to them (a journal entry of a day spent with Rod; one on Forest and one for Jade). So they were quite personalised. I've had lots of entries about Tatay too, especially during our first year as a married couple. They were full of musings, reflections and "recordings" of special moments. By "intense-tional," it meant a memory bubble for Tatay which was an adaptation of a journal entry written in English but painstakingly translated into Bisaya because Tatay would prefer to read it that way. Haha!

So here's one mem-bubble to demonstrate what I mean exactly. Kataw-anan. Really, revisiting our old selves could be quite a laugh. But somehow, I love the old me who somehow always found the time to pen down things. Maybe I should revive this habit too. Perhaps if I write quickly as I did then, I could squeeze it in, in my already long list of to-do's. Well, I can be intentional, can't I? And time management is always key. Prioritising what matters most and letting go of the not so important pursuits like social media mindless gorging. So God help me with my many "intentions" :)

Memory Bubble #xx (from Apoligia journal entry of 2005):

To Tatay,

Palakaw ka sa Mt. Apo. Buntis pa ko. Fifteen (15) days ka didto. Ginaandam nimo ang mga gamit nimo sa bed. Sa Empress pa ta puyo ato. Ako naga-prepare pod ko para mag-office sa DAP. Daghan ka sulti sa ako -- mag-uban kay Mama pag-uli, dili magpagabii, magkaon gyud sakto, dili pakapoy. Maghinay pagtabok padulong sa DAP kay kabalo ka mahadlok ko magtabok. Feeling love kaayo ko nimo ato na time, Tay. Wala pa ka kalakaw, gimingaw na kaayo ko nimo ato. First time man gud to na nag-asawa ta na dili ta uban mag-uli sa Empress gikan sa trabaho.
Maalala nko, nagcompose pa ko tula ato habang naa ka sa Apo:

Blowing Kisses in the Wind (Nagpadala Kiss sa Hangin)
Blowing kisses in the wind,
Hoping they'll find their mark.
Blowing kisses in the wind,
bidding them to travel the distance
that separates me from you.
To hold you,
Watch you while you sleep,
Touch your hair and smoothen
them back from your temple,
mouthing good mornings,
exchanging smiles,
a quick hug before sluggishly
rising out of bed,
shared laughter,
quiet conversations,
Your hand touching mine,
all these would have to wait...
So for now, I'm blowing kisses in the wind,
knowing they'll hit their mark...
Blowing kisses in the wind,
knowing you'll feel them too...
Ingat ka rin lagi, B.

Bisaya na version: Nagpadala Halok sa Hangin
Nagpadala halok sa hangin,
Nangandoy na makaabot.
Nagpadala halok sa hangin,
Nagsugo sa ila na tabukon ang kalay-on,
Na nagbulag sa imo ug sa ako.

Na magunitan ka,
Lantawon ka habang natulog.
Gunitan ug hapsayon imong buhok.
Maghung-hong ug, “good morning.”
Mag-pahiyumanay;
Mag-gakos bago mubangon;
Magdungan ug katawa,
Hilom na pag-storyahanay,
Ang imong kamot nag-gunit sa akong kamot,
Kani tanan magpaabot usa habang layo ta sa usag-usa
Mao karon, magpadala lang sa ug halok sa hangin
Kay kabalo ko nga makaabot sa imo,
Kabalo ko na maramdaman pod nimo.
Ingat pod ka pirmi, B!

Hahaha!