He looked at me and said he pitied me, thinking how I just sat there for several hours waiting till he got back from Mintal. He said because of him I had to endure all of it. He said it was his problem and yet there I was being dragged along in the process. Without waiting for me to say anything he concluded his soliloquy by looking at me absent-mindedly (but with obvious gratitude) and muttered, “Asawa nga kita. (You are my wife indeed) I have chosen well.”
His mother died last night. And it was only this morning that he knew. I had been at the office. I left my cell phone at home and so I texted him via chikka. I told him to check my phone for important messages and that I would be going home shortly in time to nurse baby. He replied that I would have to get home early since his “real” mom died and that he’s going to where she is. I read the message thrice, still its meaning hardly registered. My mind seemed to have remained blank. It could hardly absorb what the message meant. Then as if cold water was being poured over me, I hastily made arrangements to leave. I asked permission for an emergency leave, shut down my computer and left the office. I was intent on getting as fast as I can to B’s side. I know how he’s feeling and I wanted to be there while his going through all of it.
Wife. It wasn’t my being his wife that urged me to be by his side. I did not see it in the light that I had to be with him because it is my obligation as his wife. I wanted to be there, wanted to hold his hand while he goes through this sad experience because I love him, because I feel for him, because I want him to feel that he is not alone in his grief.
When I walked inside our room, I immediately noticed his reddened eyes though he was already playing with baby by then. Tears came readily to me. Before I knew it, I was already crying along with him. At one point I was wishing I could take his grief as my own.
His is a complicated family set-up. I am remembering now how that’s the very thing that brought us together. When I met Bolo I immediately sensed a sad, in-need-of-love kid underneath his jovial exterior. Anyone looking at him would readily wish he has Bolo’s carefree attitude. He’s so full of fun and life. And yet, when I looked at him for the first time, I felt different. I felt as if I wanted to hold him, hug him. I sensed a certain sadness around him that tugs at my heartstrings.
I’m remembering that one time while Melai and I had been in the Ateneo chapel to attend our usual afternoon Mass. She was giving me advice as to really think about being close to B. She pointed out our differences and one of them being his “household set-up.” She had meant well. I still remember how I replied to her then. I told her that’s the very reason why I wanted to be there for him. I told her quite naively that I just wanted to show him what it’s like to be really loved. I told her I have so much love to give and I wanted to fill him where his cup is empty, or words to that effect.
I had never intended that he and I end as sweethearts much less ever expected that he and I end up as husband and wife. I only wanted for us to be friends. There is something about him that tugs at me, something I could not totally explain.
I find it a bit weird remembering that moment with Melai. I’m wondering now how I could have felt that way then. But indeed, that’s how I felt then. On those days, I just felt that B needed some nurturing and that I was quite willing to give it. It’s weird really since even as I felt it then, I really had no idea how I was supposed to do that. I did not even think about it at all. And here I am now doing exactly that – loving him, nurturing him.
Ours is not a perfect relationship. In fact, we fight ever so often. There are even times when our arguments turn ugly. And yet, there is something about our partnership that convinces me time and again that everything is as it should be. There he is now sleeping peacefully at my side while I’m clicking away at this keyboard and I couldn’t help but feel relieved that he was able to take a momentary respite from the grief he’s feeling. There’s just something about us that I couldn’t quite point a finger to. I guess it’s the love… genuine and heartfelt. And such love manifests itself in our dealings with each other. While our differences sometimes boil down to a conflict of some sort, we have our love for each other as our saving grace.
I grew fearful all of a sudden, wondering if we would still be feeling the same way years down the line… Yet who cares? No sense being fearful of what is yet to come. What’s important is that we are loving each other now as well as we could, while we still can. What’s important is that now, we are being the best that we could be to each other, as individuals and as part of this partnership we’re having… I love you B and I’m one with you in your grief.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
On Drama and Loving Better
Just came in from a meeting. Feeling really tired and lethargic at the moment. It must have been the heat outside or it could be that I woke up real early just to make it to the 8:00 a.m. appointment. Having to nurse the baby meant some waking hours in the middle of the night. While this is not as tiring as preparing a formula, it still means a few hours off my sleep. That is why I usually take advantage of a few hours in the morning before I wake up to mind baby RL again and prepare for work... This morning, I had to be up and about real early so I wouldn't be late for the meeting. It did not help that the venue for the meeting is at the other side of the city huhuhu :(
I'm sharing below a journal entry I had last December... thought it worth-sharing so here goes...
December 19, 2005
11:50 P.M.
Living Room
Bolo is out-of-town. He’s in Gen. San to attend the 11th Mindanao Forum. Since last year, when it was determined in Gingoog that this year’s Forum will be held in Gen. San, he had really been excited about attending. I wasn’t that thrilled since I had attended a previous (my first, in fact) Mindanao Forum in Gen. San.
Hmm… I was about to say that it was tough not having him around today. It wasn’t really. Well, I had to do away with my afternoon nap but even with him around, I rarely did nap in the afternoon.
Funny, but how “inclined” I am to “believe” that he had given me such a hard time by wanting to be at a forum instead of sticking around to help me take care of our little one. Now I wonder why is that? Hmm… another one of my drama’s. And come to think of it, it’s not a good “inclination” to have really. Or a good drama to keep either. After all, what do I want to achieve by entertaining such thoughts? What is it that I want? For B to think that he really owed me big time by “deserting” me? That “poor me,” my husband wanted to have a few days off for himself after quite selflessly attending to my every need and whim?
As usual, B had been quite attentive ever since I gave birth. Oh, there were very few instances when he’d flit off somewhere and spend some time with his friends but for the most part, he had played a good part of being my dear and faithful “servant.” He cooks for me, “feed” me, attends to the laundry, pays my credit card bills… He had been everything to me. But the most significant of all, he had been quite a doting father to our son.
So what business do I have to mope around just because he asked for a day off to be at the forum? Is it because I wanted to be there too? It’s not that really. Reflecting on the matter, it’s really just one of my drama’s. And being that, it’s not something that’s a “conscious” choice really. It’s more like an “automatic” tendency or as I aptly called it, “inclination.” And it’s quite easy to drown in one’s drama’s. If kept unchecked, it would be quite easy to have them rule one’s life. And how sad if that would be the case. That would be like living a life in a half-asleep, half-awake fashion. I’m not even sure if there is something “awake” about being ruled by one’s drama. In all likelihood, it would be like living a life in a “senseless” fashion where momentary whims and tendencies rule you. I wouldn’t want that for myself. I would rather live my life in a self-possessed, more conscious manner where my intentions and directions are clear. But yeah, this is easier said than done. But then again, if I could check myself, my thoughts and intentions as I have done here, then maybe, just maybe, I may not be that quite off the mark.
So B, difficult as it is, I really hope you are enjoying yourself at the forum’s socials tonight. You don’t know how difficult it is for me to let you go today. I’ve been half-wishing the whole time yesterday that something would go wrong about your arrangements and then you won’t be able to go. But there I was at five o’ clock this morning, coaxing you awake, fearing you would be late with your agreement to meet with Rey. While I was watching you sleep and looking at the watch at the same time, I was quite tempted to just let you sleep so you would be late for your appointment. Waking you up meant I recognize your need to have your own space too. I know I would want the same thing for myself – my own space where I could get to do my own thing apart from this partnership that we have. It meant that I acknowledge our being individuals. But believe me B, it wasn’t that easy to do. I have long been governed by my drama and sometimes, given in to its whim is a lot easier than challenging it. It’s easier to be my old self than to change for another person’s benefit. But I guess I have grown over the years, or perhaps I have really just learned how to love better...
I'm sharing below a journal entry I had last December... thought it worth-sharing so here goes...
December 19, 2005
11:50 P.M.
Living Room
Bolo is out-of-town. He’s in Gen. San to attend the 11th Mindanao Forum. Since last year, when it was determined in Gingoog that this year’s Forum will be held in Gen. San, he had really been excited about attending. I wasn’t that thrilled since I had attended a previous (my first, in fact) Mindanao Forum in Gen. San.
Hmm… I was about to say that it was tough not having him around today. It wasn’t really. Well, I had to do away with my afternoon nap but even with him around, I rarely did nap in the afternoon.
Funny, but how “inclined” I am to “believe” that he had given me such a hard time by wanting to be at a forum instead of sticking around to help me take care of our little one. Now I wonder why is that? Hmm… another one of my drama’s. And come to think of it, it’s not a good “inclination” to have really. Or a good drama to keep either. After all, what do I want to achieve by entertaining such thoughts? What is it that I want? For B to think that he really owed me big time by “deserting” me? That “poor me,” my husband wanted to have a few days off for himself after quite selflessly attending to my every need and whim?
As usual, B had been quite attentive ever since I gave birth. Oh, there were very few instances when he’d flit off somewhere and spend some time with his friends but for the most part, he had played a good part of being my dear and faithful “servant.” He cooks for me, “feed” me, attends to the laundry, pays my credit card bills… He had been everything to me. But the most significant of all, he had been quite a doting father to our son.
So what business do I have to mope around just because he asked for a day off to be at the forum? Is it because I wanted to be there too? It’s not that really. Reflecting on the matter, it’s really just one of my drama’s. And being that, it’s not something that’s a “conscious” choice really. It’s more like an “automatic” tendency or as I aptly called it, “inclination.” And it’s quite easy to drown in one’s drama’s. If kept unchecked, it would be quite easy to have them rule one’s life. And how sad if that would be the case. That would be like living a life in a half-asleep, half-awake fashion. I’m not even sure if there is something “awake” about being ruled by one’s drama. In all likelihood, it would be like living a life in a “senseless” fashion where momentary whims and tendencies rule you. I wouldn’t want that for myself. I would rather live my life in a self-possessed, more conscious manner where my intentions and directions are clear. But yeah, this is easier said than done. But then again, if I could check myself, my thoughts and intentions as I have done here, then maybe, just maybe, I may not be that quite off the mark.
So B, difficult as it is, I really hope you are enjoying yourself at the forum’s socials tonight. You don’t know how difficult it is for me to let you go today. I’ve been half-wishing the whole time yesterday that something would go wrong about your arrangements and then you won’t be able to go. But there I was at five o’ clock this morning, coaxing you awake, fearing you would be late with your agreement to meet with Rey. While I was watching you sleep and looking at the watch at the same time, I was quite tempted to just let you sleep so you would be late for your appointment. Waking you up meant I recognize your need to have your own space too. I know I would want the same thing for myself – my own space where I could get to do my own thing apart from this partnership that we have. It meant that I acknowledge our being individuals. But believe me B, it wasn’t that easy to do. I have long been governed by my drama and sometimes, given in to its whim is a lot easier than challenging it. It’s easier to be my old self than to change for another person’s benefit. But I guess I have grown over the years, or perhaps I have really just learned how to love better...
Thursday, February 16, 2006
The Birth
I sat in the back, feeling excited and nervous all at the same time. B’s in the front seat, I knew he was as nervous as I am, probably even more. I knew the ordeal of coaching me all through out the delivery is very much on his mind. I wanted to reassure him, tell him I’m fine but Mama is right beside me. Her presence somewhat made me feel a bit shy to start an intimate conversation with Bee and so I just texted him. I asked him how he’s feeling and told him not to be concerned so much since I’m feeling perfectly fine. He texted back, “Kulbaan na gyud, B. Pero kaya natin to team! (I'm feeling too nervous already, B. But we can make it, team!)” That made me almost laugh out loud. It made me feel grateful too. I am grateful that he looked at the situation that way – that this is an experience we both are facing. It reassured me, erased all my doubts. I am not on my own then. It was a wonderful feeling to have.
We made a brief stop at the office since I had to submit my “work-leave” documents he-he-he. We’re way before my expected due date. In fact, I was supposed to be in a meeting that morning with a consultant for a project I’m handling. I had been getting ready to dress for the meeting when I noticed blood stains on my clothes. I knew then that this is probably the day. The day before that, B and I went to see our doctor. We suspected some kind of leaking from my bag of water. I was having watery discharges. While it wasn’t enough to tell us that my bag of water had already broken, it made us nervous just the same. The check-up revealed that I am already partially open. Still, my OB signed my leave-papers indicating a much further date. So I never really suspected anything.
After the office, we went straight to the hospital. I had already informed my OB we were already on our way there. I’ve also texted a few good friends asking for prayers. I wasn’t feeling anything yet. I was still able to sign the admitting documents at the emergency room. It was straight to the delivery room from there. Bee accompanied me, we were both eager to change into the appropriate “uniform” but we were informed Lamaze partners/coach are allowed only inside the Lamaze room when I’m already on the active labor phase. That dampened our anticipation, somewhat. I had been looking forward to spending some quiet moments with Bee while we await the “final moment.” I did not relish lying and sitting in the Lamaze room on my own.
Since it was suspected that my water was already leaking, I was not allowed at all to stand and walk. But everything was taking so long. And being on my own was really starting to bore me. So every now and then I would sneak out of the Lamaze room and talk to Bee where he is waiting just outside the restricted area.
Waiting. A long time we had in waiting. All in all, I had labored for two days! Yup! Imagine my boredom. On my first day, when the pain feels like nothing at all, I had been very impatient. I would move out of the room and start pacing about. Most of the time B accompanies me. Twice, it was my mom who did.
The momentum only picked up on the afternoon of the second day. Although I wasn’t fully dilated yet, I could already feel the pain in my lower back. It is almost unbearable but the breathing exercises helped. By evening, the pain had escalated. I even vomited out of the pain. I was sedated so I could cope up with the pain. With the rate my “dilation” is going – awfully slow – my OB thinks it best to sedate me. This way, I would still have energy left when the right time comes. I had, after all, been in labor for two days already. I managed to sleep for a while but still, the pain wakes me up every now and then. At one point I asked for the “painless” procedure he-he-he. I’m not exactly proud of this given we had Lamaze and all. But the pain was really something. Good thing I did not went through with the painless. Eventually, concentrating on my breathing exercises helped. B’s tireless coaching helped me concentrate. He had been with me when I was well into the active labor phase. I was already irritable at that point, the pain was driving me crazy but B had remained calm. He would smile at me while he was coaching me breathe. The funny thing was, the more I see him smile, the more irritated I get.
My partner/coach :) Taken when he was on his way to join me in the Lamaze Room. It took a long while to locate him. I was already well into the active labor phase by then and was already dying to have him beside me but he was off somewhere buying me merienda, something.
I never expected B to be calm or even smiling. Given the “fear” he expressed during our Lamaze class, I expected he would be edgy and nervous. When I was finally being wheeled in into the delivery room, I thought he would back out. He had been expressing his doubts and concern about seeing the whole thing. He had always been afraid of hospitals, he never wanted to be inside one, much less be inside a delivery room to witness his wife go through the ordeal. But he remained by my side the whole time. (Thank you B.) It was a good thing that he did. While everything went well at the start, everything went intense towards the very end. Little B took a long time in going out. I reached a point when I no longer knew how to push properly. I was so tired already from the effort. And the pain… At one point, a very intense pain hit me, and I instinctively sought out B’s hand who readily extended it to me. Even then I noticed how dependent I was to B. Reaching instinctively to him reveals as much. For a while I wondered how the others fared, going through delivery “on their own.” That instant, I felt grateful to have B by my side.
Finally being wheeled in to the delivery room. When the pain became more frequent, I asked to be IE'd. Good thing I did since it turned out that my bag of water already broke and I had already dilated from 4 cm to 7 cm. If at the start everything had been too slow, things seem to be picking up so fast at this point.
Waiting again inside the Delivery Room. I lay there concentrating on my breathing, dealing with the pain and the strong desire to push. While they sat there and talk about Louis Vuitton bags and other stuff. In my head I was like screaming, "You could talk like that while I lay here like this?!" he-he-he But of course they knew better. Hope I don't get sued for posting this pic with them here he-he-he They've been a pretty good team. I sure owe them a lot, particularly in making sure baby RL was alright.
Bolo: Come on B, breathe...
Thank you B, for holding my hand all through out the ordeal. Once again you've proven to me that we are indeed a team.
I never had an idea that everything was starting to go wrong. All I could think of was the pain, and that how tired I already was. I did not even notice that everyone seemed tense and that every time I would push, they would also monitor baby’s heartbeat. At one point my OB urgently urged me to push and even sort of began scolding me to push harder. A vacuum was brought in, two “burly” female nurses pressed down hard at my belly, and out goes baby RL.
Everyone in the delivery room cheered. It turned out it was a cord coil delivery. That is why baby took a real long time in going out. And that towards the end we very nearly lost baby RL. When they told me this, I felt as if cold water was being poured over me. I could not bring myself to think of what could have happened. My OB jokingly told me she felt like collapsing every time the Doppler indicates a drop in the heartbeat. She told me we very nearly had an “unpleasant” accident that day. Thank God we didn’t!
Then everyone went busy. I could hear my OB asking what time it is. I heard someone say I had given birth to a baby boy. A son…
Bb RL:Akk..ekk..glug..glug...what are you doing to me?! Where's my Nanay?! I want to see her!
Finally baby's out. It had taken a while and we sure had treaded very dangerous ground. Thank God he's well and healthy. Just as I asked for in prayer...
I was too weak to feel anything. I waited for the feeling of elation others told me I would feel once I’d hear my baby cry but everyone in the room was too noisy. Everyone seems to be giving some kind of instruction or the other… I knew some were minding my baby, taking care of him… I heard someone say that he should be latched to my….err… breast for that initial suckle. And he was. That’s when I saw him for the first time… Still, everything was a blur and I was too weak to appreciate the whole experience.
Bb RL: There, there, finally you've taken me to my mom... hmm... ought I kiss her here?! Is it not supposed to be at her cheeks? You sure?!"
This is when I saw baby for the very first time. I was too weak already by then to fully appreciate the experience. But I sure was grateful to know he's alright. Even here, I was not aware of the very close call we had. I thought everything was just as it should be.
Bb RL: Hey, hey, where are you taking me now?! Don't take me away from my mommy!!! What are you doing to her now? Are you hurting her?! What's all that blood?! Huh! I can't look! Takot ako!
Before I knew it, baby was brought to the next room to be cleaned up. Everyone else was administering to me. Well, they were “sewing” me up, pardon the pun :)and making sure everything was alright with me.
Bb RL: Oh, oh what are you going to do with me now?! What is it I'm lying on here? It's hard and cold... Oh, oh! Is that water over there?! Waaah!!! Don't tell me your going to dip me in that?!!! I've been in water for almost 9 whole months... not again!
Bb RL: Look Ma, I five fingers in this hand. And at the other too! See? Does that mean they're no longer going to dip me in that cold-looking water over there? Ha?!
Bb RL:Oh, oh, you're going to lift me now?!
Bb RL: Brrr...told you it's cold.. brrr..but it feels good to be cleaned up. Ok, you can clean me now. Just don't get soap in my eyes ha?
Bb RL: Wow! This feels good. I feel warm already. Thanks a lot! :)
Somehow I felt everything. And knowing that I no longer had to concentrate that hard for my baby’s sake, I gave in to my desire to “holler” every time I feel pained. I was probably a lot noisier then than when I was giving birth to Baby RL. I know someone outside of the delivery room would have thought I was at the height of giving birth by then.
Though weakened, my sense of humor did not left me and I slyly asked for apology for being noisy. I told them that now that I no longer have to reserve my energy, I could shout all I want hehehe I was feeling everything all at once (minus the pain of course) that I kept my eyes closed all through out the procedure up until they wheeled me out of the delivery room to my room.
Back at my room, I felt myself being lifted and transferred to my bed. Then I slept…
Hmmm... nice and cozy :)
We made a brief stop at the office since I had to submit my “work-leave” documents he-he-he. We’re way before my expected due date. In fact, I was supposed to be in a meeting that morning with a consultant for a project I’m handling. I had been getting ready to dress for the meeting when I noticed blood stains on my clothes. I knew then that this is probably the day. The day before that, B and I went to see our doctor. We suspected some kind of leaking from my bag of water. I was having watery discharges. While it wasn’t enough to tell us that my bag of water had already broken, it made us nervous just the same. The check-up revealed that I am already partially open. Still, my OB signed my leave-papers indicating a much further date. So I never really suspected anything.
After the office, we went straight to the hospital. I had already informed my OB we were already on our way there. I’ve also texted a few good friends asking for prayers. I wasn’t feeling anything yet. I was still able to sign the admitting documents at the emergency room. It was straight to the delivery room from there. Bee accompanied me, we were both eager to change into the appropriate “uniform” but we were informed Lamaze partners/coach are allowed only inside the Lamaze room when I’m already on the active labor phase. That dampened our anticipation, somewhat. I had been looking forward to spending some quiet moments with Bee while we await the “final moment.” I did not relish lying and sitting in the Lamaze room on my own.
Since it was suspected that my water was already leaking, I was not allowed at all to stand and walk. But everything was taking so long. And being on my own was really starting to bore me. So every now and then I would sneak out of the Lamaze room and talk to Bee where he is waiting just outside the restricted area.
Waiting. A long time we had in waiting. All in all, I had labored for two days! Yup! Imagine my boredom. On my first day, when the pain feels like nothing at all, I had been very impatient. I would move out of the room and start pacing about. Most of the time B accompanies me. Twice, it was my mom who did.
The momentum only picked up on the afternoon of the second day. Although I wasn’t fully dilated yet, I could already feel the pain in my lower back. It is almost unbearable but the breathing exercises helped. By evening, the pain had escalated. I even vomited out of the pain. I was sedated so I could cope up with the pain. With the rate my “dilation” is going – awfully slow – my OB thinks it best to sedate me. This way, I would still have energy left when the right time comes. I had, after all, been in labor for two days already. I managed to sleep for a while but still, the pain wakes me up every now and then. At one point I asked for the “painless” procedure he-he-he. I’m not exactly proud of this given we had Lamaze and all. But the pain was really something. Good thing I did not went through with the painless. Eventually, concentrating on my breathing exercises helped. B’s tireless coaching helped me concentrate. He had been with me when I was well into the active labor phase. I was already irritable at that point, the pain was driving me crazy but B had remained calm. He would smile at me while he was coaching me breathe. The funny thing was, the more I see him smile, the more irritated I get.
My partner/coach :) Taken when he was on his way to join me in the Lamaze Room. It took a long while to locate him. I was already well into the active labor phase by then and was already dying to have him beside me but he was off somewhere buying me merienda, something.
I never expected B to be calm or even smiling. Given the “fear” he expressed during our Lamaze class, I expected he would be edgy and nervous. When I was finally being wheeled in into the delivery room, I thought he would back out. He had been expressing his doubts and concern about seeing the whole thing. He had always been afraid of hospitals, he never wanted to be inside one, much less be inside a delivery room to witness his wife go through the ordeal. But he remained by my side the whole time. (Thank you B.) It was a good thing that he did. While everything went well at the start, everything went intense towards the very end. Little B took a long time in going out. I reached a point when I no longer knew how to push properly. I was so tired already from the effort. And the pain… At one point, a very intense pain hit me, and I instinctively sought out B’s hand who readily extended it to me. Even then I noticed how dependent I was to B. Reaching instinctively to him reveals as much. For a while I wondered how the others fared, going through delivery “on their own.” That instant, I felt grateful to have B by my side.
Finally being wheeled in to the delivery room. When the pain became more frequent, I asked to be IE'd. Good thing I did since it turned out that my bag of water already broke and I had already dilated from 4 cm to 7 cm. If at the start everything had been too slow, things seem to be picking up so fast at this point.
Waiting again inside the Delivery Room. I lay there concentrating on my breathing, dealing with the pain and the strong desire to push. While they sat there and talk about Louis Vuitton bags and other stuff. In my head I was like screaming, "You could talk like that while I lay here like this?!" he-he-he But of course they knew better. Hope I don't get sued for posting this pic with them here he-he-he They've been a pretty good team. I sure owe them a lot, particularly in making sure baby RL was alright.
Bolo: Come on B, breathe...
Thank you B, for holding my hand all through out the ordeal. Once again you've proven to me that we are indeed a team.
I never had an idea that everything was starting to go wrong. All I could think of was the pain, and that how tired I already was. I did not even notice that everyone seemed tense and that every time I would push, they would also monitor baby’s heartbeat. At one point my OB urgently urged me to push and even sort of began scolding me to push harder. A vacuum was brought in, two “burly” female nurses pressed down hard at my belly, and out goes baby RL.
Everyone in the delivery room cheered. It turned out it was a cord coil delivery. That is why baby took a real long time in going out. And that towards the end we very nearly lost baby RL. When they told me this, I felt as if cold water was being poured over me. I could not bring myself to think of what could have happened. My OB jokingly told me she felt like collapsing every time the Doppler indicates a drop in the heartbeat. She told me we very nearly had an “unpleasant” accident that day. Thank God we didn’t!
Then everyone went busy. I could hear my OB asking what time it is. I heard someone say I had given birth to a baby boy. A son…
Bb RL:Akk..ekk..glug..glug...what are you doing to me?! Where's my Nanay?! I want to see her!
Finally baby's out. It had taken a while and we sure had treaded very dangerous ground. Thank God he's well and healthy. Just as I asked for in prayer...
I was too weak to feel anything. I waited for the feeling of elation others told me I would feel once I’d hear my baby cry but everyone in the room was too noisy. Everyone seems to be giving some kind of instruction or the other… I knew some were minding my baby, taking care of him… I heard someone say that he should be latched to my….err… breast for that initial suckle. And he was. That’s when I saw him for the first time… Still, everything was a blur and I was too weak to appreciate the whole experience.
Bb RL: There, there, finally you've taken me to my mom... hmm... ought I kiss her here?! Is it not supposed to be at her cheeks? You sure?!"
This is when I saw baby for the very first time. I was too weak already by then to fully appreciate the experience. But I sure was grateful to know he's alright. Even here, I was not aware of the very close call we had. I thought everything was just as it should be.
Bb RL: Hey, hey, where are you taking me now?! Don't take me away from my mommy!!! What are you doing to her now? Are you hurting her?! What's all that blood?! Huh! I can't look! Takot ako!
Before I knew it, baby was brought to the next room to be cleaned up. Everyone else was administering to me. Well, they were “sewing” me up, pardon the pun :)and making sure everything was alright with me.
Bb RL: Oh, oh what are you going to do with me now?! What is it I'm lying on here? It's hard and cold... Oh, oh! Is that water over there?! Waaah!!! Don't tell me your going to dip me in that?!!! I've been in water for almost 9 whole months... not again!
Bb RL: Look Ma, I five fingers in this hand. And at the other too! See? Does that mean they're no longer going to dip me in that cold-looking water over there? Ha?!
Bb RL:Oh, oh, you're going to lift me now?!
Bb RL: Brrr...told you it's cold.. brrr..but it feels good to be cleaned up. Ok, you can clean me now. Just don't get soap in my eyes ha?
Bb RL: Wow! This feels good. I feel warm already. Thanks a lot! :)
Somehow I felt everything. And knowing that I no longer had to concentrate that hard for my baby’s sake, I gave in to my desire to “holler” every time I feel pained. I was probably a lot noisier then than when I was giving birth to Baby RL. I know someone outside of the delivery room would have thought I was at the height of giving birth by then.
Though weakened, my sense of humor did not left me and I slyly asked for apology for being noisy. I told them that now that I no longer have to reserve my energy, I could shout all I want hehehe I was feeling everything all at once (minus the pain of course) that I kept my eyes closed all through out the procedure up until they wheeled me out of the delivery room to my room.
Back at my room, I felt myself being lifted and transferred to my bed. Then I slept…
Hmmm... nice and cozy :)
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Meet My Son
I've been really wanting to share the story of baby RL's birth in this blog but I'm really just short of time these days given the amount of work that had piled up in my absence from the office. The "birth account" is in my journal and quite a long entry so it means I would have to "type" the entire thing, which would entail some time that I could not afford at the moment. Hmm... and yet, the mother in me could also not wait to tell the whole world about my adorable, little son so here goes...
Baby Rod Lauren
Hey, look ma, who's smiling?
Close Up Shot :)
Meet my son, Rod Lauren :) I'm not quite sure whom he took after or where he got his looks -- me or bolo. Most of my friends say he took after B while most of Bolo's friends say he looks a lot like me he-he-he. I guess the confusion really is on the fact that he does not quite look like either of us. Some of my relatives say - and I agree - that he look a lot like my Dad :)
He's a lot of things these days. From being just a little short of 6 pounds at birth, he has now grown so fast. If at birth he could barely fill in his baby clothes, now he's almost bursting out of them he-he-he. As for his personality, well, he seem to take after his father :) He smiles a lot, even "giggles" when talked to. He seem to have such a happy disposition in life. I pray that he would still have that when he grows up. I hope he does not take after me who's so serious I seem to have a problem all the time he-he :) Hmm... but come to think of it, he seem to take after me in this aspect too. Many times he has manifested to me how he's such a sensitive baby. There are times when he would cry wanting to be picked up. Sometimes, I'm doing other things so I could not immediately pick him up. Instead of crying in earnest, he would stop, look at me and seem to just wait 'till I give him my full attention. Everytime he does that, I would immediately drop whatever it is I'm doing and engage him in a tight hug. Would not want him to feel neglected at all. Hmm.. I just hope he picks up both our "good" qualities and not otherwise.
Baby Rod Lauren is everything to me now. Everything that I do, hope for, decide for, seem to revolve all around him. He gives my life a deeper meaning. Now I know why babies are referred to as a "bundle of joy." Baby Rod Lauren is definitely that to me.
Baby RL: Hmm... whom do you think I take after? My mom or my Dad?
Baby Rod Lauren
Hey, look ma, who's smiling?
Close Up Shot :)
Meet my son, Rod Lauren :) I'm not quite sure whom he took after or where he got his looks -- me or bolo. Most of my friends say he took after B while most of Bolo's friends say he looks a lot like me he-he-he. I guess the confusion really is on the fact that he does not quite look like either of us. Some of my relatives say - and I agree - that he look a lot like my Dad :)
He's a lot of things these days. From being just a little short of 6 pounds at birth, he has now grown so fast. If at birth he could barely fill in his baby clothes, now he's almost bursting out of them he-he-he. As for his personality, well, he seem to take after his father :) He smiles a lot, even "giggles" when talked to. He seem to have such a happy disposition in life. I pray that he would still have that when he grows up. I hope he does not take after me who's so serious I seem to have a problem all the time he-he :) Hmm... but come to think of it, he seem to take after me in this aspect too. Many times he has manifested to me how he's such a sensitive baby. There are times when he would cry wanting to be picked up. Sometimes, I'm doing other things so I could not immediately pick him up. Instead of crying in earnest, he would stop, look at me and seem to just wait 'till I give him my full attention. Everytime he does that, I would immediately drop whatever it is I'm doing and engage him in a tight hug. Would not want him to feel neglected at all. Hmm.. I just hope he picks up both our "good" qualities and not otherwise.
Baby Rod Lauren is everything to me now. Everything that I do, hope for, decide for, seem to revolve all around him. He gives my life a deeper meaning. Now I know why babies are referred to as a "bundle of joy." Baby Rod Lauren is definitely that to me.
Baby RL: Hmm... whom do you think I take after? My mom or my Dad?
Monday, February 13, 2006
On Faith and Spending Some Time Together
I was praying after receiving Holy Communion in yesterday’s Sunday Mass when I felt B lean to me and whispered, “I love you B. Hurot.” The last word meant, “consumingly.” I could not quite lean back at him to answer him so I just sought out his hand and squeezed it in response.
I remember the instances in the past when I had to argue with him when it comes to attending Sunday Mass. We had been attending regularly since last December but there are still times when I would have to urge him to go hear Mass with me. It’s not always easy and often times I hate the fact that we had to have a discussion over it. In truth, it breaks my heart knowing we don’t quite see eye to eye when it comes to this. I mean, I could take it if we argue about other things, but this?
I have no idea what warranted his “I love you” last night. I’m not sure what went on over his head at that time. I did see him pray though and I knew that he was very much sincere about it. Oh, he had always been sincere when it comes to prayer. In fact, there are times when I would wonder who is more pleasing in God’s eyes – me who’s into the rituals or him who doesn’t care that much about the rituals but is earnest in his prayers. (I am not saying that I’m not earnest though.)
Last Friday, I was beginning to think that we are having progress where our “difference of opinion” in exercising our faith is concerned. Because, he so gamely volunteered to accompany me in going to my community’s prayer meeting. Just in “going to” though since he is resolute about not attending it with me. On our way home after the prayer meeting, we enjoyed some quiet moments together. We even stopped by Jollibee to buy some fries and sundae to munch on our way home. Hmm… come to think of it, that’s the first time we have a few moments all to ourselves. That is, outside of the house ever since our little one came into our lives. There were few instances when he and I had been to the mall but it was always with baby in tow. Last night, it was again just the two of us. It felt very much like when we were still dating which made it really fun :)
I remember the instances in the past when I had to argue with him when it comes to attending Sunday Mass. We had been attending regularly since last December but there are still times when I would have to urge him to go hear Mass with me. It’s not always easy and often times I hate the fact that we had to have a discussion over it. In truth, it breaks my heart knowing we don’t quite see eye to eye when it comes to this. I mean, I could take it if we argue about other things, but this?
I have no idea what warranted his “I love you” last night. I’m not sure what went on over his head at that time. I did see him pray though and I knew that he was very much sincere about it. Oh, he had always been sincere when it comes to prayer. In fact, there are times when I would wonder who is more pleasing in God’s eyes – me who’s into the rituals or him who doesn’t care that much about the rituals but is earnest in his prayers. (I am not saying that I’m not earnest though.)
Last Friday, I was beginning to think that we are having progress where our “difference of opinion” in exercising our faith is concerned. Because, he so gamely volunteered to accompany me in going to my community’s prayer meeting. Just in “going to” though since he is resolute about not attending it with me. On our way home after the prayer meeting, we enjoyed some quiet moments together. We even stopped by Jollibee to buy some fries and sundae to munch on our way home. Hmm… come to think of it, that’s the first time we have a few moments all to ourselves. That is, outside of the house ever since our little one came into our lives. There were few instances when he and I had been to the mall but it was always with baby in tow. Last night, it was again just the two of us. It felt very much like when we were still dating which made it really fun :)
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Ah...Sweethearts Just the Same :)
B walked in on me while I was wrapping up on my journal entry below. I'm trying to guess what picture would I have presented -- sitting there cross-legged, pen and journal in hand, brows touching, engaged in a thoughtful mood...
I felt his hesitation as he looked at me. He then asked me what I was doing. I knew it was very much obvious to him what I was doing but I answered him anyway. I told him I was writing in my journal. He answered that he thought putting the computer downstairs would eliminate that habit of mine. He said he preferred having me rest than write. I answered back by asking him would he rather have me with a wilted soul. He grew quiet. Then he asked me what I was writing about. I told him everything, about my felt need for "sweetnothings." I told him that while I truly appreciate how he had proven to be such a good partner to me and how our relationship have grown over the months of taking on responsibilities, I felt that we ought not forget about indulging in sweetnothings every now and then. He engaged me in a hug and said that when baby RL is grown, we would have more time for being sweet to each other. He said that what's important now is that baby's needs are met. I was about to argue when he caught himself and made a non-coherent comment. I knew he was getting my drift. I knew that like me, he would exert more effort now not to just be engrossed in the practical aspects of our relationship... And we continued with our conversation. We talked about practical stuff again but the moment remained intimate just the same.
I felt his hesitation as he looked at me. He then asked me what I was doing. I knew it was very much obvious to him what I was doing but I answered him anyway. I told him I was writing in my journal. He answered that he thought putting the computer downstairs would eliminate that habit of mine. He said he preferred having me rest than write. I answered back by asking him would he rather have me with a wilted soul. He grew quiet. Then he asked me what I was writing about. I told him everything, about my felt need for "sweetnothings." I told him that while I truly appreciate how he had proven to be such a good partner to me and how our relationship have grown over the months of taking on responsibilities, I felt that we ought not forget about indulging in sweetnothings every now and then. He engaged me in a hug and said that when baby RL is grown, we would have more time for being sweet to each other. He said that what's important now is that baby's needs are met. I was about to argue when he caught himself and made a non-coherent comment. I knew he was getting my drift. I knew that like me, he would exert more effort now not to just be engrossed in the practical aspects of our relationship... And we continued with our conversation. We talked about practical stuff again but the moment remained intimate just the same.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Being Partners and Being "Sweethearts"
February 7, 2006
10:00 PM
Our Room
Bb Rod Lauren sleeping
Peacefully by my side
Chanced upon a dear, old friend at YM today. No, not an old flame but definitely a close friend in the past. Anyway, the exchange was…hmm... “practical.” Well, we did talk about practical matters. He had gotten married long before I did. In fact, I am Godmother to his daughter, Raine. He’s in China now with his family but is planning to come home this May. His wife Chang, who also became a friend of mine, is already 3 months pregnant with their second child. Considering the cost of giving birth there and the lack of support we usually enjoy over here from our extended families, they decided to have the baby here. Ryan, my friend, would have to go back to China though after two weeks since he works there.
Ryan and I talked about being parents, the hospital cost of giving birth these days, etc. etc. Chang and I also had a chance to chat and we talked about “mother-stuff” like breastfeeding, paglilihi, giving discipline to kids, etc. Ryan and I talked about business too. It was amazing really. He was planning to bring some outdoor stuff home to sell. He told me there was plenty of good stuff over there. He said the income from it would help tide over some of Chang’s needs here. He told me he was thinking of ways to dispose the items when he gets here. While he has several climbing friends who would be interested, he preferred a more practical and legit outlet. When he learned of B’s shop, everything just fell into place. It was a lucky coincidence really, our having to talk today.
But this is not what had me in a pensive mood at the moment. In the course of our conversation there was a time when he called me in the pet name he used to call me in the past. It hit a chord somewhere inside of me. It made me immediately thoughtful. B and I are so busy taking care of each other’s needs and that of our baby’s that somehow we are more of being “partners” or "teammates" to each other than “sweethearts.” I mean, we’re more engrossed now with practical matters than sweety, touching stuff. Oh, “I love you’s” are still exchanged often, particularly on moments when one’s concern for the other is very much obvious. That's when being "partners" gave way to moments of intimacy wherein we realize that our love for each other has taken on a deeper meaning. That now, it’s more on taking care of each other, of supporting each other, as we build on the family we’re having. Every time B helps me with the chores or in taking care of our little one without my having to ask him to, the more I appreciate his person. The more I come to love him.
Being called by my pet name today really struck me. While my love and respect for B grows deeper as he shows me everyday I could count on him when it comes to taking on and embracing the responsibilities and practicalities of “family-hood,” I realized that indulging in little, sweet nothings every now and then could not hurt either. It could definitely add spice to our relationship. Being too engrossed in the responsibilities and “duties,” could also be tiring. That is why it's also important that "partners" make the effort to be "sweethearts" every now and then. That way, the relationship remain balanced and the danger of resenting each other for taking the fun out of life could be avoided. One thing I realized today is that relationships often grow stale because in the course of taking on the responsibilities, the relationship begins to be viewed of more as a "duty," or worse, a "chore." And when there is more of that than fun in the every day that passes, for sure the relationship wilts and before you knew it, it will just fizzle right before your very eyes...
10:00 PM
Our Room
Bb Rod Lauren sleeping
Peacefully by my side
Chanced upon a dear, old friend at YM today. No, not an old flame but definitely a close friend in the past. Anyway, the exchange was…hmm... “practical.” Well, we did talk about practical matters. He had gotten married long before I did. In fact, I am Godmother to his daughter, Raine. He’s in China now with his family but is planning to come home this May. His wife Chang, who also became a friend of mine, is already 3 months pregnant with their second child. Considering the cost of giving birth there and the lack of support we usually enjoy over here from our extended families, they decided to have the baby here. Ryan, my friend, would have to go back to China though after two weeks since he works there.
Ryan and I talked about being parents, the hospital cost of giving birth these days, etc. etc. Chang and I also had a chance to chat and we talked about “mother-stuff” like breastfeeding, paglilihi, giving discipline to kids, etc. Ryan and I talked about business too. It was amazing really. He was planning to bring some outdoor stuff home to sell. He told me there was plenty of good stuff over there. He said the income from it would help tide over some of Chang’s needs here. He told me he was thinking of ways to dispose the items when he gets here. While he has several climbing friends who would be interested, he preferred a more practical and legit outlet. When he learned of B’s shop, everything just fell into place. It was a lucky coincidence really, our having to talk today.
But this is not what had me in a pensive mood at the moment. In the course of our conversation there was a time when he called me in the pet name he used to call me in the past. It hit a chord somewhere inside of me. It made me immediately thoughtful. B and I are so busy taking care of each other’s needs and that of our baby’s that somehow we are more of being “partners” or "teammates" to each other than “sweethearts.” I mean, we’re more engrossed now with practical matters than sweety, touching stuff. Oh, “I love you’s” are still exchanged often, particularly on moments when one’s concern for the other is very much obvious. That's when being "partners" gave way to moments of intimacy wherein we realize that our love for each other has taken on a deeper meaning. That now, it’s more on taking care of each other, of supporting each other, as we build on the family we’re having. Every time B helps me with the chores or in taking care of our little one without my having to ask him to, the more I appreciate his person. The more I come to love him.
Being called by my pet name today really struck me. While my love and respect for B grows deeper as he shows me everyday I could count on him when it comes to taking on and embracing the responsibilities and practicalities of “family-hood,” I realized that indulging in little, sweet nothings every now and then could not hurt either. It could definitely add spice to our relationship. Being too engrossed in the responsibilities and “duties,” could also be tiring. That is why it's also important that "partners" make the effort to be "sweethearts" every now and then. That way, the relationship remain balanced and the danger of resenting each other for taking the fun out of life could be avoided. One thing I realized today is that relationships often grow stale because in the course of taking on the responsibilities, the relationship begins to be viewed of more as a "duty," or worse, a "chore." And when there is more of that than fun in the every day that passes, for sure the relationship wilts and before you knew it, it will just fizzle right before your very eyes...
Sunday, February 05, 2006
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