A Day in a Life (Late Post)

Holy Wednesday 2011
Hinatuan

I could feel my sweat literally traversing down my spine. Some “droplets” are forming over my forehead. The overhead fan is doing very little to help ease the heat. Still, it’s slightly better over here than when we were out at sea earlier. The sun had been relentless. The not-so-good-thing was that the banca we hired for the activity had no roof at all. So there we were, getting baked as we made our way back to the town proper of Hinatuan.



I arrived here Monday night. Yesterday, we visited the island of Mahaba. Today, we went all the way to Cabgan. I’m here for work, a writing engagement. I’ll be coming up with two stories featuring a day in a life of two women here in Hinatuan. It’s in conjunction with what I’m doing for Women at the Center, a climate change adaptation project concerning women. The stories we are going to write now will feature what constitutes two women’s everyday life – that of Nanay Nida and Nanay Aida. Nanay Nida hails from Mahaba while Nanay Aida is from Cabgan, both island purok’s here in Hinatuan.


Both visits yielded a well of inspiration for me. There were a lot to be learned from the stories of both women. However, what struck me the most during my visit in Mahaba was the attitude of the children there. Particularly, that of Nanay Nida’s which I think could be attributed a lot to her kind of parenting. In the course of our conversation with her, she would often remark at how she had a lot of things to do -- having to help her husband in augmenting their household income and owing to her involvement with the organization for women – and thus she had to teach her children to take over some of the hings she needed to do a home.


Needs vs. Wants. The first thing I noticed about the kids are their eagerness to help their parents – in doing the household chores, and most specially in shell gleaning (“panghinhas” in the local dialect). At one point while we were doing the photoshoot, one of Nanay Nida’s kids refused to participate in shooting the part where the kids fetch water. He stood his ground and said he wanted to gather shells instead.

In hindsight, he must have known full well that it is the height of the low tide at that time which is perfect for shell gleaning. Delaying a bit more would mean not finishing up till noon and that would have been too hot to do any gleaning. But I did not know it yet at that time. All I knew is that the kids seems very eager to do the task and I wondered a lot about what their motivation was. I watched closely as the children eagerly and very diligently comb the shallow waters of the atoll, stooping every now and then as they collect shells. In just a short time, they were able to fill a very large pail with shells. Again, I wondered what motivates them to work so hard.

My immediate thought was that they would probably be earning something from it. I thought they probably get a share from what they'd earn from selling the shells and thus the eagerness. I was surprised when later that day I was told they do not get a cent out of it. Apparently, the kids hand whatever they earn from shell gleaning to their parents. Yup, every cent of it. And they do it not because they were forced to do it. They just do it naturally, even joyfully and most specially, not begrudgingly. I was told that once they hand over the money to Nanay Nida, they would only ask for some money to buy bread for themselves. Yep, just bread. The whole thing blew me away.

It is such a far cry from what I know about the kids back in the city. The kids back home are not like the kids in Mahaba. Well, most of them at least and this includes my son. My 5-year-old son is entrepreneurial. When school was through, he set up a DVD-for-rent stand outside our house. I watched in amusement as he prepared his collection of DVD cartoon originals and a sticker ID he stuck to his chest bearing his hand-written name. I watched as he prepared his water bottle and some hand-fan. When he saw me eying these, he immediately retorted, “Baka mauhaw ako, Nay and para di mainit.” I did not have the heart to point out to him that his stand is just a stone’s throw away from the house and the water dispenser.

Anyhow, unlike the kids back in Mahaba, my son’s perspective is that his earning is his own. I do not blame him though because his motivation is that his Nanay doesn’t buy him everything that he wants and so he had to earn money. Anything he earns he keeps. Some of it he saves while the rest he buys the stuff I wouldn’t buy for him like game cards. For the kids in Mahaba it is different. They knew how difficult it is at home. Their parents have to work hard so they could afford to buy rice and other things they needed for the home. The difference between them and the kids I know is that they work hard so they could buy the things they need. My son does so he could buy the things he wants.

Not having things easy. Yup, the kids in Mahaba don’t have things easy. And fetching water is just one of them. The kids and/or the women – including Nanay Nida - had to do some paddling for quite a distance in order to fetch drinking water from the other side of the island. And they would have to do it at a particular time – when it is high tide. Doing it during low tide meant the women or the children would have to carry a heavy container filled with water while trudging over a very muddy path, sinking as low as thigh-deep in some parts of it. It also meant they would have to struggle in carrying their banca – probably stuck in “dry” land – back to much deeper water.

That’s what happened to us when we did the photo shoot. We had to linger for a while in order to take the pictures and thus the water had receded a lot farther than we have anticipated. Being unfamiliar with the path, we had to endure getting stuck knee-deep in the muck. It felt squishy. Half the time I was filled with an uneasy feeling, not wanting to know at all what kind of organism is stuck in between my toes hehehe

We were almost where our banca was when the photographer remarked how he would not look at turning on tap water the same way again and I so agreed with him. Indeed, there are a lot of things that we get so used to that we simply take them for granted. We do not know that in some obscure place somewhere, some people don’t have it quite easy.


To have and to hold. Cabgan is another story. What struck me the most was the relationship between Nanay Aida and her husband. When the couple was introduced to us, we were informed that while it is going to be Nanay Aida’s first time to be featured in a story, her husband, Tatay Milo is not new to it. We learned that he often gets invited to national conferences and even had his story featured in a book. I smile now recalling how, upon the mention of the book, Tatay Milo got his copy of it and showed it to us. I knew that he took a great pride in it and who wouldn’t?

In the course of the conversation, it was pointed out that it is Nanay Aida’s time to shine this time. That’s when we learned of her reluctance to go to Manila for the launching. The stories will be featured in an advocacy campaign to be launched there in June. Nanay Aida said she doesn’t want to leave as she had a lot of things to attend do – their seaweed farm and their home. She said that what she hated the most about leaving is how the work gets piled up upon her return. She pointed out that she’s the lone female at home as all her children are boys and as they are, they would just flit off to their tasks without minding the household chores. This was not lost on me. It is indeed most women’s dilemma. Once they get very active in activities in their community, they would have to contend with household chores waiting for them at home.

Anyway, we soon find out that Nanay Aida’s day unfolds very early. She had to do the cooking and tend to the chicken they raise for "special occasions."  As their house is directly on the water, the cages of the chicken are located in some kind of a veranda just outside their kitchen. A few more steps away is where they keep their banca. A little further on is where they dry their seaweeds and where Nanay Aida’s potted vegetables are found. They also have a mini sari-sari store and Nanay Aida had to tend to this as well.

As we went about with the photo shoot and the interview, I learned that seaweed farming is a family activity. Nanay Aida and Tatay Milo go to their seaweed farms early in the morning. They would inspect and clean every line to ensure that the seaweeds would grow very well. Unkept farms would mean the likelihood of having the seaweeds contaminated by certain organisms that attach to them.

I watched as Tatay Milo and Nanay Aida both lowered their banca to the water. I noticed every nuance – the way Tatay Milo held out his hand to Nanay Aida so he could help her keep her balance as she lowered herself to the banca; how Tatay Milo first paddled them towards their seaweed farm located at a distance from their house; and how Nanay Aida took over the paddling so that Tatay Milo can raise the lines and start cleaning the seaweeds. Watching them was like watching some kind of a choreographed dance number. They’re so used to the task --having done it a thousand times by now-- that they readily know how to compliment each other in accomplishing it. It felt nice watching them. It’s as if they are illustrating what true partnership should be.

Once back at the house, Nanay Aida, Tatay Milo, and their two grown sons went back to tying seaweeds on the lines stretched in front of their house. I watched as they sat a few feet apart from each other and diligently get on with the task. The topic of Nanay’s reluctance to go to Manila was again brought up. The COs assisting the community were jokingly enumerating what Nanay Aida would experience should she agree to go to Manila – sleeping in a nice hotel, meeting some of the celebrity who will be attending the launch as well and the chance to ride an airplane. At this, Tatay Milo shared how it was for him the first time he rode an airplane. He laughed as he recalled being reprimanded for trying to pass through the x-ray machine as they made their way inside the airport. Yup, they were that naïve. The good thing about Tatay Milo was that he wasn’t embarrassed at all by the experience. He shared everything to us good-naturedly. He even shared how they also stepped on the scale along with their bags at the airport's check-in counter.

Yes, again, not a lot of us have things very easily. Some of the things we take for granted are for some a great privilege already. On that note, I was once again overcome by the feeling of gratitude. I counted my blessings and one of them is my being there to hear about other people’s story and to learn a lot from them.

They were almost done with the lines and about to move on to the other task for the photo shoot when Tatay Milo was asked whether he agreed that Nanay Aida should go to Manila for the launching or not. He replied that if he is to have his way, he would want her to go to the launching so that she will have a chance to get exposed to a lot of things. He pointed out that it is different being stuck in the island. He said that her going would mean affording her the chance to expand her world and see more than just the four corners of their house. Now, that is my kind of guy... unselfish and truly loving…

Birthday Blog 2009

I was going through the motions of getting Baby to bed earlier and in response to my “goodnight,” he said, “Happy Birthday.” I had my back on him, fussing with the beddings. I turned to him, really surprised and well, so touched by the gesture. I think I had to blink twice just to make sure it is still my three year old son talking. The greeting was totally unexpected, coming from a three year old…

Yes, another birthday… another year… the journal I wrote last year is still very fresh to me. I was very emotional at that time, being 2 months pregnant (which a few days later resulted to my second miscarriage) and being utterly grateful for being on vacation with my family in Bora.

Now, a year later, there is no fancy vacation though I had totally intended to be in another island getaway again this year. But Baby is already in school and I have qualms about him missing school. Plus, we have incurred quite a lot of expenses this year owing to Baby’s attending pre-school. It had eaten quite a lot to our normally allotted vacation money hehehe But definitely, I am not regretting it one bit. And neither are we scrapping our annual vacation this year.

Ah yeah, priorities... being an adult and a parent sure has changed me in so many ways. Now, I have to reorder my priorities… while that wanderlust it still very much a part of who I am, and my passion about finding meaning in everything I do is still very much there, my energies are no longer just bent on these pursuits… These days, being a parent, a “guardian” to a three-year old living soul is foremost in my mind and it is influencing my every action and decision…

Sitting here now, noticing that the clock just announces that as of 35 minutes earlier, I had just turned a year older, I am wondering whether it was wise of me to have unwittingly allowed parenthood to “consume” me in such a way. Well, for sure, there are no regrets. Seeing how Baby is turning out to be these days is making me believe that while I may not be the best parent there is, I know I have done justice to the role that is given to me, in this stage of my life.

But, right now, I am also thinking how I need to detach myself a bit from such a role. While being a parent is certainly very important, that is not all there is to me. I should really allot some time for my own personal pursuits… to be with my God, to be with myself, be with my friends without tagging Baby along.

To just “be” -- sans all the attachments and everything that I identify myself with these past few years. Writing about it now, I am realizing how it’s been such a long time since I did that – to just “be.” Now I resolve to give more time to do just that…

As every birthday blog, I wouldn’t want to end this particular entry without ever making an acknowledgement to that Bigger Being who had made all these things possible… As always, I would like to express how completely grateful I am for the life He has given me. I thank Him most specially for all the wonderful “details” He had also thrown into it. I’ve written this before and I’ll write about it again and again – how He had woven such a wonderful tapestry that is my life. And I could not thank Him well enough.

Earlier this evening, sitting in the cinema with Baby in my arms, he suddenly turned to me and wrapped his arms around me, laying his head gently on my shoulder. I felt contentment so profound that I did not want the moment to end. At that instant I realized that is probably how God wants it as well, for us to turn to Him and just lie contentedly in His arms. Now, marking another year in my life, another thing to be grateful once again, I yearn for the comfort of God’s hand. At the moment, I just want to lie down at His feet and surrender everything to Him – all my dreams, my desires, my disappointments, my shortcomings, my brokenness… I would like to give back to Him the life he had given me and once again “plan” with Him what to do with it…

Scare

Got a real scare today. Earlier this afternoon we had to rush Mama to the hospital. She collapsed while we were at the Shrine of the Holy Infant of Prague. Cebu was celebrating their Sinulog earlier in the day. Since we could not be there, we made up for it by going to the Shrine instead.

On our way there, we decided to drop by Bacaca to see if Mama Fely would be willing to join us. She was. We had to wait for a while for her though. That was already way beyond one o'clock in the afternoon and we haven't had lunch yet. We had a very late breakfast though and was not feeling any hunger yet.

While at the Shrine, it took us a while to finish the novena, light our candles and say our prayers. We were on our way back to where Mama was seated when Ms. Amparing who took the ride with us rushed to us to inform us that something happened to Mama. And there she was, utterly lifeless, white as a sheet. Looking at her, I felt my heart jumped to my throat. I feared the worst -- stroke.

Noticing her limp form, her seemingly distorted jaw-line, the fear I felt got worst. A thousand other things are running on my mind -- possibilities of Mama having a bad case of stroke and had to endure being tied to the bed.

She had our utmost attention. There were fellow church-goers who offered help. Somebody offered liniment, and someone was able to provide us a glass of hot water. I was so scared but was relaxed at the same time. I whispered soothing words to Mama telling her to relax. I repeatedly told her this and reassured her that we are doing everything to help her. I urged Tatay to get the car so we could take Mama to the hospital. Tatay took a while in coming back. It must have only been two minutes but to me it seemed like an eternity. Bee carried Mama all the way to the car, past the steps and the iron-wrought gates of the Shrine. I ran ahead of him with the car keys, so I could open the doors and fix the seats so Mama could recline comfortably.

Mama Fely and Mrs. Amparing took a while in joining us, probably with the old age and all. Tatay and I had been doing a lot of runs at the gym lately and being a lot younger, we managed to get everything settled at such a short time. And then, just as we were about to go, lo and behold, Janin cried asking her Lola Fely where she left Bolets because he was not with her. Imagine that!

I had to rush back inside the Shrine to look for him. He could be everywhere. I was not able to find him so I doubled back and asked if they have found him already. They said no so I had to run back again and retraced the places we have been to earlier. The panic and the crowd had me very confused. It was hard to keep track of all the kids there. I craned my ear for any sign of crying or any hint of "Nanay!" But every crying I heard were from babies, none of them my son. I was on my way back when I found him with Mama Fely. He was crying. Mama Fely informed me she found him walking towards the chapel from across the large expanse of the ground.

I deduce he must have walked towards the gate where the car was originally parked and retraced his steps when he found out the car was no longer there. (We were parked near the rear gate, farthest from the Chapel. When Mama collapsed, Bee had to drive all the way up to the entrance gate that was closest to the chapel.) I was so concerned with the time we've lost, Mama had to be rushed to the hospital after all. So while I was very worried about Baby and what happened to him, I knew that processing that particular experience would have to come later. Mama had to come first.

Bee and I were having a discussion as to which hospital is closest when Mama managed to speak and repeatedly say that she wanted to go straight home as she is feeling better. She said she just had a case of hyper-acidity and is starting to feel better. We had to argue with her telling her we could not take the risk with her history of hypertension. Why, on any given day, having a BP of 200++ over a hundred is somewhat "normal" for her already.

I asked her if she feel some numbness or distortion in the mouth and she said she does feel a bit numb in her limbs. That decided it for me. Her protests notwithstanding, we went straight to the hospital. Once there, I readily noticed that she had regained her color. Her lips are already turning red compared to its being as white as a sheet back at the church.

I'm not sure if it was just luck or our prayers. Remembering how Mama was at the church made me feel certain she really had a stroke. And she could have. And yet here she is feeling somewhat better. A bit weak yes, but definitely with some color now.

I do not dare think of what could have been's. I'm really just grateful that she was spared that. I could not imagine what being tied to the bed would do to her. And I can't bear the thought of losing her. There are still so many things I wanted to do for her and I wanted for her to experience. She had been through a lot. She had suffered several loses already with Papa and Nino... Plus she always have this pessimistic attitude over her person that I'm not convinced she had really been "very happy" for an extended period of time. I can't have her go that way. I want her to experience what it is to be truly happy, not having any worries of sorts.

Thank you God for turning what could have been the scariest point in my life into a point of salvation and gratitude. I know You again have worked Your wonders. What we had earlier was really a miracle. And I could not thank You well enough. Thank you for your faithfulness...

Just But a Tiny Speck (On Parenthood and Gratitude)

Last night, some sense of pride and contentment washed over me as I watched Baby strut (he does strut, believe me hehe to me, it implies the fact that Baby has some healthy dose of self-confidence :)) his way out of the cinema. It’s his first time to watch a movie at the big screen. I have had my misgivings, after all he’s only a little over 2 years old. I wouldn’t want him traumatized in any way. I don’t know what being inside a huge, dark place, confronted by large images and loud sound would do to Baby.

Prior to watching the movie, I’ve tried to prepare them as best as I could. Janin was there too and it was her first time as well. But she’s already 5 years old so I’m a little less worried where she is concerned. I tried not to entertain thoughts of them both cowering in the darkness or crying out loud, begging to go out. I wouldn’t want that to happen.

To prepare them, I told them that the place we are going to is dark. I told them that over and over just so they would not be shocked upon entering the theater. I told them also that we are going to watch some cartoons but it’s going to be on a very large T.V. Baby was nodding his head the whole time (which was really cute) but I still had my doubts as to whether or not they fully understood what I mean.

The ticket cost 70 pesos each and there were four of us. It was quite costly. But I know we are paying for the experience (Baby and Janin’s) more than the movie itself so in my mind we were actually getting a bargain. I just hoped though that it would indeed be a nice experience for the both of them. And it was! :) And how happy I was. Back at the car on our way home, I couldn’t stop expressing my thank you’s for the experience, for Baby’s being able to take it all in really well, for having the money to watch the movie, etc. I said that while I cradled Baby on my lap. I want to instill in him the value of gratitude this early on. It had become a ritual for both of us every time I feel we have something to be thankful for.

Those are just “little” things true but I just feel that we take these things for granted a lot of times that we miss out on the chance to allow ourselves some “little” scenarios of happiness as well. True, watching a movie might be a common thing to most of us but for some out there, it is totally a luxury. Others don’t even have enough food to eat. This was impressed upon me further when Bolo and I stopped by a gasoline station to gas up.

Bolo noticed this little boy crossing the street on his own, unmindful of the vehicles speeding his way as well. Bolo pointed this out to me and wondered out loud where the “father” of the kid was. I was as concerned as he was but it also caught my fancy how he readily looked for the “father” and not the mother. I wondered a bit if it was a male thing. Bolo readily thought of the father since the role being in question is that of being the protector. It was just a little remark from him but it taught me a great deal about how he thinks on these matters. It also made me wonder about my own reaction. Who would I readily seek out – the mother or the father? Most likely, I’ll ask where the “parents” of the kid are. Taking care of our children after all is a shared responsibility.

Anyway, when the boy came close to Bolo’s window, Bolo lectured him about the danger of crossing the street. He asked the kid where his father was. (I rolled my eyes at this point wondering why it had to be the father hehehe) The kid was asking for money but we did not give him any. That’s when Bolo saw another kid close by doing the same thing. They must have been friends or siblings. So that was why they were there. They were out, risking themselves so they could have money. Hopefully, it is for food and not for something else. They seem to look like they just turned 5 or 6 years old. Bolo and I looked at each other and I told him we really have to take good care of ourselves since we could not leave Baby in such a state. God forbid!

It was an interesting night, another one of those that made me realize I truly have a lot to be thankful for. The movie we watched, by the way, was “Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who!” which was interesting in itself. It was cartoons but I sat there, convinced that the context and the theme with which the whole movie revolves on would best be understood by adult audiences. It is a reminder that there are times that we take things or ourselves too seriously when for all we know, we could just be a tiny speck sitting on a flower being held by a lovable elephant named Horton. :)

Novena

The clock in the lower-right corner of my monitor reads, “1:24 AM.” I started working on the lay-outing of the modules for PLSD sometime around 10:30 PM. I’m not even half through yet. There are still lots of things that still needed to be done, not to mention reports to finish. But anyway, I intend to finish everything before the scheduled writers’ writeshop, come end of this month.

I’m tired but I sure feel happy remembering how Bolo, despite being tired from all his work all day, patiently sat beside me to pray today’s novena. I knew it wasn’t really his cup of tea, given his background. But seeing him all patient and solicitous as he recited the novena with me, I knew he was really doing it for me. It’s enough to make me feel that surge of gratitude again. I am loved in full measure and I am grateful for that.

I am Grateful

Lord, thank you for giving me the opportunity to work on things I truly do not desire to do. It is teaching me a great deal about patience and about commitment too. It makes me get to know myself even more, what my preferences are and why I have certain attitude on certain things. It pushes me to reflect upon why there are certain tasks that I truly dislike to tackle. On top of it all, I am learning a whole new skill. Something that might come in handy somewhere along this path I call my life.

But most of all, I thank You most for seeking me even in my most “unloving” self. Thank you for reminding me that there are certain things I needed to learn and thus I had to face situations that may not even be to my liking. Thank you for trying to teach me about seeing good in every situation I may find myself in. Thank you…

Farewell My Little Brother

As I made my way through the aisles of the department store, I was fighting hard not to let the tears fall. The mall had just opened and we were among the first customers for that day.

We were shopping for Niño. We were buying his barong, his slacks and his undergarments. As we leafed through the barongs on the rack, I felt the tears run down my face. We were very careful in our choosing. We wanted nothing but the best for him. After all, that would be the very last we would shop for him...

I remember the last time we went shopping together, it was with Mama. We were buying him jeans. He was always picky with his stuff, particularly when it comes to clothes. So it took a while before he decided on what to buy. He wanted a more pricey one but I lectured him on the value of money…

I’m not much into shopping although once in a blue moon the mood would hit me and I would splurge. But that comes rarely and most of the time I splurge more on books than clothes…

Buying things for my loved ones though, that’s an entirely different thing. That’s when I truly enjoy shopping. It gives me so much joy getting into the shoes of those I love and hunt for things that I know they would very much like to have. Christmas, birthdays… they’re shopping feasts for me.

And Niño is among those whom I love buying stuff for the most. He is after all my only sibling, our youngest… In a way, he will always be a baby brother to me. It’s so easy to buy stuff for him as he has little wants. Also, I particularly like shopping for him because he does not make a habit of asking for stuff. He was picky with clothes though and in a way is brand conscious but he would never turn down something that is given to him. But I think, I like buying him stuff simply because he would smile at me every time I give him something. His whole face would lit up, making it obvious that he was really pleased to have been remembered.

Recalling all that now brings me so much pain. Because, I would never experience that again with him… How I miss my little brother… I miss him everyday these days. He and I are rarely together the past two years since we moved out of our Empress home. I already had Baby then and with our decision to breastfeed him for as long as possible, going all the way to Panacan during work lunch break and then back is virtually impossible. Thus the move. So Niño and I would only see each other every time we would visit there and for special occasions or on family outings.

Niño only has one passion – basketball. It was his life. He breathed and lived it everyday since he learned how to throw a ball into the ring… So sometimes, I would shop for some good basketball jerseys for him. The best I ever bought him was a Michael Jordan reversible. He also must love it since he wore it all the time, if he was not wearing his uniform jerseys, that is...

This year, as if we knew what is going to happen, Bolo and I always feel this urgency to give him something. During one of our visits at Empress, Bolo gave him his Sandugo slippers when he sensed Niño’s liking to it. When Mama informed us Niño wore it till it has holes, Bolo urged me to buy him a new one. At that time, we were on a budget. Baby’s immunization was due and it had always been quite costly. I hesitated about buying him the slippers. But I am thankful now that I gave in to Bolo’s urging.

Now, the slippers are at home. The pair was what he wore when we fetched him from Empress. Looking at them now, I am filled with a sense of gratitude. I felt thankful that in his last year, I was given a chance to pamper him a bit.

When we went home to Empress to get the necessary documents following his demise, Mama and I wept when we found the basketball shoes I bought him very neatly packed in its shoebox still…

It was a costly pair and it had cost me an arm and a leg. But at that time, Niño was just fresh from his separation with his wife. I knew it must have been such a painful episode for him given his background. Being adopted, I knew there is this longing for him to have a complete family of his own. Being jilted by his wife, I could only imagine how painful it must be for him. And so I was desperate to reach out to him and to show him that our love for him is enough to fill in the vacuum left by his irresponsible wife (Who showed up during the wake and the internment, btw, crying as if it is the end of the world. I’m sure she was feeling guilty and remorseful. But all that is too late now. She had caused my brother so much pain. She could not take all of that back.).

So, should Niño had asked me for the moon then, I knew I must have tried my best to be able to give him just that. I remembered Mama chiding me for spending such an exorbitant sum for just a pair of shoes but I shrugged at her. To me, it wasn’t the shoes I was paying for. I’m paying for the opportunity to be able to tell my brother I love him and that there are still a lot of people left in his life who loves him. And putting it that way, 4 thousand is way too cheap.

Recalling everything is breaking my heart to pieces. Until now, I still feel Papa’s loss. I still cry myself to sleep every time I remember him. The pain somehow is still fresh. So in Niño’s case, I knew I’m still in for a long haul… There will be tears alright… And I’m drawing my strength from God.

A friend chanced upon me at YM and expressed her concern over how I’m feeling. I remember telling her how everything I knew, the lessons I learned and the wisdom I always bring close to my heart flew out of the window when I sat there right smack in the middle of so much pain.

Oh, I’ve read enough books and taken more than enough lessons and have faith enough to know the afterlife is a lot kinder than our worldly life… But with my brother’s loss – who was only 26, still at the prime of his life and who still has a lot of issues to settle with himself and with his relationships with other people – I wallowed in uncertainty and confusion.

Oh, there was never a point wherein I questioned God and His wisdom in what happened. But I certainly found myself questioning if my brother would indeed experience peace in the after life…

I remember crying so hard one night while he was in the hospital. I was praying for his complete and speedy recovery. Seeing him in tubes, and lying seemingly lifeless in his hospital bed was a heart-wrenching experience. So I prayed hard, that he be spared from all of that and finally recover. I was begging for a miracle.

As if in response, the thought that my brother is suffering and will continue to suffer if his condition will be prolonged came to me as if in soft promptings. I cried harder after that. Because, suddenly, I don’t know what to pray for. Of course I don’t want my brother to suffer unnecessarily. But I thought about his issues. He still had too many unsettled issues. And God, he was still too young. What if his soul will not be able to find rest knowing he had still several scores to settle, that his daughter is still too young, and that he still wished to continue living his life?

These questions are what brought on the uncertainty I felt. For once, I questioned everything I knew about death and about the after life. Because, I want to be certain that by dying, my brother would be given a better deal… I want him to be in peace, and to cease suffering. He had such a difficult life. I want him to be given another chance to correct his mistakes and to rewrite the directions of his life. I want another shot at life for him so that it’ll finally be better and be more rewarding than what he had experienced in the past. I want nothing but the best for my brother. If I could have so much love for the other persons in my life, how much more so for a sibling? A family member?

Now, I’m praying that his soul rest in peace… I pray that God be with him now and that he be spared from unnecessary suffering in the after life. I think he suffered enough in this life time.

I love you so much, Nin. I just hope you know how much… Fare well, go in peace and don’t linger much in this worldly life… Don’t worry about your daughter or about us. If you worry because you were not able to tell us how you love us, don’t fret. Of course I knew you loved me. There’s this thing about family. One does not have to hear the words, it only has to be felt. And I felt your love for me and for Mama… so fare well my little brother… Go in peace…

Dios Mabalos

I sat at the back of the session hall. There was a lull in the sessions as the participants were having a workshop. Professor went up to me and sat beside me. Then he said, “Rodilyn-san, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for everything you’ve done for the project. I’ve been told everything sped up when you took charge of it. Thank you very much.”

I was speechless. I muttered an incoherent response, making light of my involvement for the project. I was never good at handling compliments. It always embarrasses me. I’ve read somewhere that such an attitude is not healthy as it implies having a low self-esteem. It said that being able to accept compliments well is an indication of self-confidence. So where does that leave me huh? :(

Anyway, back to that encounter, it came at the most opportune time. I came to the Legazpi training with a heavy heart. I wallowed in uncertainty. I was at a point wherein I was beginning to question my own abilities. For several months at that time I was made to feel inept. As if I do not know what I’m doing. I’m not sure what is it about myself that made them assume as such. Is it because I don’t have such a strong personality? Well, on the outside that is. But how many times have I proven that looks could be deceiving? I’ve accomplished feats no “weakling” could have done… Is it because I choose to remain quiet and do my own thing than be bubbly and  opinionated on things I feel I have no right to.  Nor, do I want to waste my time to give my opinion on (especially when it is about other people's lives). Is that it?

In short, I was at that time really running on empty. Fresh from the miscarriage, I am feeling a bit low, experiencing some mild post-partum blues. Well, who wouldn’t? Given all that I’ve been through and the lack of support I got from the persons whom I thought would understand most… But ah, I did not want to write about that. It wasn’t my intention at all to write about my angst. After all, truthfully, I’m way past feeling all that already.

I wanted to write about this phrase I learned in Legazpi that I fell in love with. “Dios Mabalos” is how they say, “Thank you” in Legazpi. Its literal meaning is, “God will repay…” It is meant as a good wish or a blessing bestowed on a person in exchange for a good deed received or for a certain kindness shown.

I think it’s a nice way of saying, “thank you” or of showing gratitude. It meant the act of kindness received was truly appreciated in that no amount of gratitude is enough and so the wish that God will repay the person for his/her kindness…

July is a special month for me since not only do I celebrate my birthday on this month but because our anniversary fall on this month as well. In other words, there are a lot to thank God for during this month.

Bolo and I went to hear Mass on my birthday. As I knelt down to pray, the above phrase came to mind and I thought, how could I say “thank you” to a God who is the source of all blessings? I thought, how could I say, “Dios Mabalos” to Him when He could hardly “repay” Himself for His own kindness...

Then it just came to me, it is “I” who would do the “repaying.” How I live my life -- to live it in such a way that would be pleasing to His eyes, -- would be my “repayment” for all the blessings He have gifted me with. I grow sober at the thought. After all, I am certain that not everything I’ve done is pleasing to His eyes.

For everything I’ve been through the past months, I’m not sure if the manner with which I chose to “react” to those situations would be something that would be pleasing to Him. For sure the attitude, the stance and the state of being I chose to face all those problems are far from being “exemplary.” I was bitter, remorseful, woeful… The result? I was unhappy like h***. So where is the “state of grace” in all of that?

One thing I’m realizing now is that how others made me feel at that point was my own choice and my own doing. They were just being themselves. Whether there was something wrong with how they were or how they conduct being themselves is something that is beyond me really. How I choose to react however, that, certainly is my sole responsibility… And looking back I know I failed dismally to be the best that I can be in handling the situation.

On the other hand, I also realize now that I too have to be kind to myself. Assessing the situation objectively, I think I have the right to feel the way I did then. I was made to feel insignificant. While I chose to feel that way, I did not choose it out of my own whim…

But enough of that. I declare right at this moment that I will not allow myself to wallow in the negativity of the entire situation. Instead, I choose to rise above all of it. I choose to remind myself that I’ve been through several hurts and I’ve survived past it all… I want to remind myself how I could not afford to let the situation be a burden I’ll be carrying for the rest of my life. Life is short. So short and I choose to live it the best way I can. I choose to live it being happy and feeling grateful than to allow myself to linger on every pain and problem that may come my way.  That would not accomplish anything.  It would only make me feel miserable. I certainly would want to choose to be constantly in the state of grace (If I could help it) than to feel constantly bitter or remorseful if others would do me wrong…

Dios Mabalos. God has been so faithful, so kind in my life. I ought to repay him back in full…

At World's End

I feel pretty much that way these days with everything going on and so little time to do it with. I ought to be resting, following the miscarriage but here I am, busier than I was before the miscarriage. But as they say, I got to do what I had to do.

I'm sleepy. In fact I had turned off the computer following a futile attempt to work. I guess I really am just too exhausted to tackle anything about work. I was just about to doze off when I remembered the significance of the day. So I just got to blog about it.

Hehe well, it was really nothing. I guess I'm just happy that finally, after what seems like forever, Bolo and I managed to squeeze in some time to watch a movie. Yeah, it had been quite some time. It's either I had work, he had some other concerns, I got hospitalized, I had to rest, and the most likely reason -- there was no one to look after baby.

This afternoon though, Loren, Bolo's sister volunteered to baby sit so Bolo and I could squeeze in a few hours off. So off we went to the mall. Bolo and I to watch one of my favorite movie character of all time -- Capt. Jack Sparrow -- and Loren and Baby for some playtime at Sonic Boom and Wonderland.

Loren was truly an angel. On our way to the mall, she even texted the cinema's officer-in-charge and managed to get us free passes for the movie. Yey! hehehe It was exciting really. We even got escorted to the cinema and was allowed to choose our seats hehehehe It was fun.

Waaah! Capt. Jack Sparrow :) I could go on and on about the things that fascinated me about his character, the story line, the special effects, the fight scenes that we're beautifully orchestrated, etc. etc. I could gush on end about it hehehe I am that smitten.

I remember watching. "The Curse of the Black Pearl" twice in cinema. When it was shown on tv, Bolo and I even slept real late just to wait up for it and to finish the entire run. I also remember taking a half-day leave from work just to watch "The Dead Man's Chest" when Jeni urged me to watch it on spur of the moment. And now, I was finally able to watch its final installment.

The inability to squeeze in some movie time the past months made us pass up some real good movies we would have wanted to see. Not to mention pass up some opportunity for travel but that's another story. So when Bolo and I tried for three weeks and was still failing to watch "At World's End," I thought we're never gonna see it on the big screen. But lo and behold, everything worked out so beautifully. I only wanted to see the movie but what did we get? We got to see it for free and we got to choose our seats nonetheless hehehe Really, I feel so blessed.

Thank you, Father God for showing me again how wonderful you are. I feel so cherished to have you orchestrate so nicely even the littlest detail in my life. Truly, you leave no stone unturned. I'm so awed by you.