A Day in a Life (Late Post)

Holy Wednesday 2011
Hinatuan

I could feel my sweat literally traversing down my spine. Some “droplets” are forming over my forehead. The overhead fan is doing very little to help ease the heat. Still, it’s slightly better over here than when we were out at sea earlier. The sun had been relentless. The not-so-good-thing was that the banca we hired for the activity had no roof at all. So there we were, getting baked as we made our way back to the town proper of Hinatuan.



I arrived here Monday night. Yesterday, we visited the island of Mahaba. Today, we went all the way to Cabgan. I’m here for work, a writing engagement. I’ll be coming up with two stories featuring a day in a life of two women here in Hinatuan. It’s in conjunction with what I’m doing for Women at the Center, a climate change adaptation project concerning women. The stories we are going to write now will feature what constitutes two women’s everyday life – that of Nanay Nida and Nanay Aida. Nanay Nida hails from Mahaba while Nanay Aida is from Cabgan, both island purok’s here in Hinatuan.


Both visits yielded a well of inspiration for me. There were a lot to be learned from the stories of both women. However, what struck me the most during my visit in Mahaba was the attitude of the children there. Particularly, that of Nanay Nida’s which I think could be attributed a lot to her kind of parenting. In the course of our conversation with her, she would often remark at how she had a lot of things to do -- having to help her husband in augmenting their household income and owing to her involvement with the organization for women – and thus she had to teach her children to take over some of the hings she needed to do a home.


Needs vs. Wants. The first thing I noticed about the kids are their eagerness to help their parents – in doing the household chores, and most specially in shell gleaning (“panghinhas” in the local dialect). At one point while we were doing the photoshoot, one of Nanay Nida’s kids refused to participate in shooting the part where the kids fetch water. He stood his ground and said he wanted to gather shells instead.

In hindsight, he must have known full well that it is the height of the low tide at that time which is perfect for shell gleaning. Delaying a bit more would mean not finishing up till noon and that would have been too hot to do any gleaning. But I did not know it yet at that time. All I knew is that the kids seems very eager to do the task and I wondered a lot about what their motivation was. I watched closely as the children eagerly and very diligently comb the shallow waters of the atoll, stooping every now and then as they collect shells. In just a short time, they were able to fill a very large pail with shells. Again, I wondered what motivates them to work so hard.

My immediate thought was that they would probably be earning something from it. I thought they probably get a share from what they'd earn from selling the shells and thus the eagerness. I was surprised when later that day I was told they do not get a cent out of it. Apparently, the kids hand whatever they earn from shell gleaning to their parents. Yup, every cent of it. And they do it not because they were forced to do it. They just do it naturally, even joyfully and most specially, not begrudgingly. I was told that once they hand over the money to Nanay Nida, they would only ask for some money to buy bread for themselves. Yep, just bread. The whole thing blew me away.

It is such a far cry from what I know about the kids back in the city. The kids back home are not like the kids in Mahaba. Well, most of them at least and this includes my son. My 5-year-old son is entrepreneurial. When school was through, he set up a DVD-for-rent stand outside our house. I watched in amusement as he prepared his collection of DVD cartoon originals and a sticker ID he stuck to his chest bearing his hand-written name. I watched as he prepared his water bottle and some hand-fan. When he saw me eying these, he immediately retorted, “Baka mauhaw ako, Nay and para di mainit.” I did not have the heart to point out to him that his stand is just a stone’s throw away from the house and the water dispenser.

Anyhow, unlike the kids back in Mahaba, my son’s perspective is that his earning is his own. I do not blame him though because his motivation is that his Nanay doesn’t buy him everything that he wants and so he had to earn money. Anything he earns he keeps. Some of it he saves while the rest he buys the stuff I wouldn’t buy for him like game cards. For the kids in Mahaba it is different. They knew how difficult it is at home. Their parents have to work hard so they could afford to buy rice and other things they needed for the home. The difference between them and the kids I know is that they work hard so they could buy the things they need. My son does so he could buy the things he wants.

Not having things easy. Yup, the kids in Mahaba don’t have things easy. And fetching water is just one of them. The kids and/or the women – including Nanay Nida - had to do some paddling for quite a distance in order to fetch drinking water from the other side of the island. And they would have to do it at a particular time – when it is high tide. Doing it during low tide meant the women or the children would have to carry a heavy container filled with water while trudging over a very muddy path, sinking as low as thigh-deep in some parts of it. It also meant they would have to struggle in carrying their banca – probably stuck in “dry” land – back to much deeper water.

That’s what happened to us when we did the photo shoot. We had to linger for a while in order to take the pictures and thus the water had receded a lot farther than we have anticipated. Being unfamiliar with the path, we had to endure getting stuck knee-deep in the muck. It felt squishy. Half the time I was filled with an uneasy feeling, not wanting to know at all what kind of organism is stuck in between my toes hehehe

We were almost where our banca was when the photographer remarked how he would not look at turning on tap water the same way again and I so agreed with him. Indeed, there are a lot of things that we get so used to that we simply take them for granted. We do not know that in some obscure place somewhere, some people don’t have it quite easy.


To have and to hold. Cabgan is another story. What struck me the most was the relationship between Nanay Aida and her husband. When the couple was introduced to us, we were informed that while it is going to be Nanay Aida’s first time to be featured in a story, her husband, Tatay Milo is not new to it. We learned that he often gets invited to national conferences and even had his story featured in a book. I smile now recalling how, upon the mention of the book, Tatay Milo got his copy of it and showed it to us. I knew that he took a great pride in it and who wouldn’t?

In the course of the conversation, it was pointed out that it is Nanay Aida’s time to shine this time. That’s when we learned of her reluctance to go to Manila for the launching. The stories will be featured in an advocacy campaign to be launched there in June. Nanay Aida said she doesn’t want to leave as she had a lot of things to attend do – their seaweed farm and their home. She said that what she hated the most about leaving is how the work gets piled up upon her return. She pointed out that she’s the lone female at home as all her children are boys and as they are, they would just flit off to their tasks without minding the household chores. This was not lost on me. It is indeed most women’s dilemma. Once they get very active in activities in their community, they would have to contend with household chores waiting for them at home.

Anyway, we soon find out that Nanay Aida’s day unfolds very early. She had to do the cooking and tend to the chicken they raise for "special occasions."  As their house is directly on the water, the cages of the chicken are located in some kind of a veranda just outside their kitchen. A few more steps away is where they keep their banca. A little further on is where they dry their seaweeds and where Nanay Aida’s potted vegetables are found. They also have a mini sari-sari store and Nanay Aida had to tend to this as well.

As we went about with the photo shoot and the interview, I learned that seaweed farming is a family activity. Nanay Aida and Tatay Milo go to their seaweed farms early in the morning. They would inspect and clean every line to ensure that the seaweeds would grow very well. Unkept farms would mean the likelihood of having the seaweeds contaminated by certain organisms that attach to them.

I watched as Tatay Milo and Nanay Aida both lowered their banca to the water. I noticed every nuance – the way Tatay Milo held out his hand to Nanay Aida so he could help her keep her balance as she lowered herself to the banca; how Tatay Milo first paddled them towards their seaweed farm located at a distance from their house; and how Nanay Aida took over the paddling so that Tatay Milo can raise the lines and start cleaning the seaweeds. Watching them was like watching some kind of a choreographed dance number. They’re so used to the task --having done it a thousand times by now-- that they readily know how to compliment each other in accomplishing it. It felt nice watching them. It’s as if they are illustrating what true partnership should be.

Once back at the house, Nanay Aida, Tatay Milo, and their two grown sons went back to tying seaweeds on the lines stretched in front of their house. I watched as they sat a few feet apart from each other and diligently get on with the task. The topic of Nanay’s reluctance to go to Manila was again brought up. The COs assisting the community were jokingly enumerating what Nanay Aida would experience should she agree to go to Manila – sleeping in a nice hotel, meeting some of the celebrity who will be attending the launch as well and the chance to ride an airplane. At this, Tatay Milo shared how it was for him the first time he rode an airplane. He laughed as he recalled being reprimanded for trying to pass through the x-ray machine as they made their way inside the airport. Yup, they were that naïve. The good thing about Tatay Milo was that he wasn’t embarrassed at all by the experience. He shared everything to us good-naturedly. He even shared how they also stepped on the scale along with their bags at the airport's check-in counter.

Yes, again, not a lot of us have things very easily. Some of the things we take for granted are for some a great privilege already. On that note, I was once again overcome by the feeling of gratitude. I counted my blessings and one of them is my being there to hear about other people’s story and to learn a lot from them.

They were almost done with the lines and about to move on to the other task for the photo shoot when Tatay Milo was asked whether he agreed that Nanay Aida should go to Manila for the launching or not. He replied that if he is to have his way, he would want her to go to the launching so that she will have a chance to get exposed to a lot of things. He pointed out that it is different being stuck in the island. He said that her going would mean affording her the chance to expand her world and see more than just the four corners of their house. Now, that is my kind of guy... unselfish and truly loving…

Being Schooled on Men's Perspective About Marriage

Reposted from Facebook notes

My day started quite right today. The highlight of which was to see my son’s expectant, beaming face looking straight at me when I looked out the window of the taxi to take another look at them. I had to cross the street to catch a taxi ride to the hotel. They had to go the other way since Tatay and Baby had to take my niece, Janin to school.

I wasn’t really expecting to see them still looking at me. I was surprised to find out that they were. The instant I turned to them, both kids’ faces lit up and they waved enthusiastically at me. It made me feel cherished and I realized once again that at this point in my son’s life, I mean the world to him. It affirmed as well that my niece needs me too. Next to Mama, I am her mother now.

Fast forward a few moments after that and I am in the van already, along with an all-male, senior engineer participants for another interesting infra-related training. Every engagement I have is always a learning experience for me but I didn’t know that that morning, I’ll be schooled on husband-and-wife relationship as well.

It proved to be quite refreshing since I’m hearing it from the males’ punto-da-vista. I was interested in what they have to say so I did not volunteer any of my views. I just sat there, smiled and laughed silently when the exchange would become very funny. Every now and then they asked me out of courtesy, “Totoo ba yung sinasabi namin, Ta?” But I would just say, “no comment.” It was obviously a “for-the-boys” conversation and I knew they did not really expect me to share my own views. Besides, that would have just ruined the whole thing anyway.

On the wife respecting the husband. This had always been a touchy topic as far as the women are concerned. I knew my girlfriends and I have had a lot of discussion on the subject and it’s always on where one should draw the line between respect of oneself and that for one’s husband. It’s quite refreshing to hear about it from the husbands’ perspective.

They were sharing concrete situations with one another. One shared how an officemate’s wife would make a scene every time she would come across their group of friends and find another woman in their midst. It wouldn’t matter if the woman is someone else’s girlfriend as long as her husband is with the group, she would readily assume her to be his. Everyone was in agreement that that was a foul thing to do and that the wife is showing disrespect to her husband by creating a scene in front of his officemates.

The one who related it – a senior officer and someone whose presence commands respect – shared how he talked to the wife and pointed out that she had to show she respects her husband by not putting him in such a situation. He told her how it doesn’t matter what she’ll do to her husband when they are already on their own and in the confines of their own home but that she should accord him respect by not making a scene when they are in public. He also shared how he pointed out that her husband is not exactly good looking to be able to warrant attention from other women. That made me laugh, not so much because I imagine him to be “ugly” but because that is the same line Tatay would give me every time I would voice out my doubts on what he’s doing when he’s out with his friends or when they have an outdoor activity. On those occasions, he had to do some sleep-over’s or wouldn’t be home till wee hours in the morning. He would always tell me that everybody knows he’s married and that he’s not exactly Aga Mulach in order to attract other girls.

Anyway, the conversation when on and there were other situations shared on the matter. Everything all boil down to one thing – the husbands actually values what the wife say, they are in fact, in a way, “afraid” to warrant her “wrath” but for sure, they would certainly appreciate if wives accord them with respect. They dislike being ridiculed in public, particularly in front of their friends or officemates. In my opinion, I think this isn’t too much to ask of the wives. Every human being, after all, ought to be accorded with respect.


On relationship with the in-laws. This, I certainly appreciated since I definitely learned something new from it. One of the participants shared how he and his wife have this “technique” that they apply to ensure that both of them have a smooth relationship with their in-laws. He pointed out that his wife is not a Muslim but hails from Dipolog. (This is worth noting considering that all of the participants were Muslim and majority of them have Muslim wives as well.) Definitely, the difference in culture comes into play and I was glad to note that in their case, it served to enrich the marriage more than being a source of conflict.

It was related how it had become their practice that when the husband’s relative come asking for some financial help, it would be the wife who would give the money and vice-versa, even if the money really comes from both of them. Also, when the wife’s nieces and nephews would come to visit, it is the husband who would give them their fare back home, etc. He said I think it’s a good idea in that comments such as, “Makunat yang asawa mo” even when said in jest, would be avoided.


On Financial Matters. One shared how an office mate have no idea how much his salary really is since it is the wife who comes to the office to get it every month. So whenever it would occur to them to eat out or drink, that officemate would always beg off since he had nothing to chip in. And so they advised him not to divulge some cash he would be receiving like “token” from office transactions or from some other source. They would tell him to leave the money in his drawer in the office so that the wife will not know about it.

I thought then how sad that is, having to resort to that, not being totally open to one’s wife. I think, both of you doesn’t necessarily have to agree on everything but it would definitely be sad if you have to keep things from each other. It speaks a lot about the kind of relationship you have and the trust you have for each other.

The men went on to expound on the importance of having money of their own. They said that this is felt when their siblings or relatives come to them asking for financial help. They relate how difficult it is for them to ask their wives for some money knowing full well that the one they gave their wives are already budgeted for the needs of the family. This sure made me think. I think they definitely have a point in that.


On vices. The conversation then turned to vices. One related how he would come home bringing ice cream, cake and chicken even if he just lost in a betting game of “sabong” (cockfight). He said this way, his wife would not complain about him losing thousands in gambling. He pointed out that for the wife, losing a thousand in gambling is a big issue already, and would immediately say the money would have been better spent in buying rice or food for the house. I smiled at this since it’s indeed a very common “wifey-reaction.”

Another one volunteered how he and his wife never had a quarrel when it comes to sabong. He said he makes sure of this by separating a separate “account” for his gambling activities. He said it is also one way of managing the vice since there is always the tendency to even bet one’s “kaldero” when worse comes to worse. He said he hands his “sabong” earnings to his wife also, separate from his salary which is intended for the household budget. He explained how he asks his wife money for gambling from his “sabong” account. This is where he also gets funds for the fighting cocks he maintains. I thought how wise this kind of set-up is and I admired the person for having thought of it.

One of the guys said the common reason why the wife complains about vices is when they hear the husbands losing thousands and then note how they would refuse the kids who would ask them for a few hundreds to buy projects for school. All of them agreed that this should not be the case. I raised an eyebrow when one pointed out how some of them would readily hand a “ka-table” 500 pesos for just a few moments of… err… “skin-touching.” However, they soon regain my respect when they said this shouldn’t be the case and that they should be more generous to their children.


The conversation ended with that as we have reached the training venue already. I was grateful for everything that had transpired. I was glad to have learned about the men’s perspective on what was discussed. It was… good to be in a company of mature men who have had enough experience in marriage to be able to give all those insights. It made me realize that the women do not have the monopoly of “great” ideas where relationships are concerned hehehe. Because, I must admit, before that incident I was putting much value on the women’s role as “ilaw ng tahanan” thinking that we are more insightful and sensitive about things than men are. The experience taught me that indeed, man or woman, each of us have a contribution to make where making a marriage work is concerned… We should take advantage of both our strengths…

All About Baby

Baby came home yesterday bringing with him a small plant sowed on a clear, plastic cup. We were having lunch, me making the most of my time with him before I return to the training. His Tatay urged him to show me the different parts of the plants. Tatay related to me how Baby had been talking non-stop on their way home from school about the different parts of the plants.

Baby then turned to me and said, “Nanay roots ito,” pointing at the roots visible from the plastic cup. I nodded in response. Then Baby added, “These are the leaves,” this time pointing at the plant’s clump of leaves. Noticing that he missed out on the stems of the plant I asked, “What are these then?” Without missing a beat he answered, “Tingnan mo yung folder ko, Nay. Nandun kung ano tawag dyan,” making reference to their assignment folder which outlines the lessons they have every week. Hahaha!

These days, how Baby could communicate so well never fails to amaze me. There was one instance when I called home to ask Tatay something when it was Baby who answered. It turned out that somebody called me up at home and he very clearly told me, “Nanay, may tumawag sa ‘yo kanina dito. Sabi ko wala ka, nagwork. Tawag daw siya ulit.” It completely blew me away. I know it’s expected of three-year olds to be able to express themselves already. Still, hearing Baby communicate sans his usual, broken lines but still in his cute, baby voice could really tug at my heart. It must be a motherly-thing.

His logic is also faultless. One time I got irritated to find out the laundry is all over the floor and was urging him to help me put them all in the hamper. He readily helped me but while he was stuffing in the laundry he told me in his cute voice, “Nanay, sunod, sabihan mo si Tatay siya magpasok nito kasi siya man nagkalat nito, hindi ako.” Imagine that, coming from a four-year old.

He also has perfect taste (hehehe). I was tying my hair, getting ready for the Christmas Mass when Baby came inside the room and told me, “Wow! Nanay, ang cute mo.” He was looking at my dress. It was a new dress, bought with my “newly-acquired” pregnancy in mind. It had spaghetti straps and a very low neckline. To cover up, I put on a tube blouse underneath. The dress was really pretty, completely feminine and I was surprised at how he openly expressed his appreciation for it.

I was wearing the same dress last week but at that time donned on a short-sleeved tee-blouse underneath. I was tiptoeing inside the bedroom so as not to wake him up when I heard him say, “Nanay, sando lang isuot mo inside, ‘wag yan.” I nearly jumped but was really amused to hear him “advise” me on what to wear. ‘Seems like, I now have an in-house fashion consultant. And a four-year old at that.

Baby is indeed expressive and I find it truly refreshing. Last Sunday, we were settling down to sleep when he turned to me and said, “Nanay, masaya ako kanina sa binyag ni Baby Koi2x.” Eric’s youngest got baptized and the family spent lunch together at the reception. The venue’s ground was large, covered and with huts dotting the place. He and Janin had a field day running all over. When I asked him why he was happy, he replied that it’s because he was able to play with his Ate.

I am truly grateful for moments like these with Baby. I am grateful knowing how he’s turning out to be. I love the fact that Baby is open and expressive about his feelings. It is telling me that somehow, we did something right in rearing him up since he had no qualms about expressing anything to us. To me it means he feels confident enough to do so.

I am wondering how he is at school though. His teacher had told me he appeared shy and reserved. I guess it’s understandable really since he is not so used about being with other kids. He’s more used to hanging around adults. In fact he feels so much at home with my friends and showed every indication of how he considers himself very much part of the “barkada.” And yet I would very much want that to change. I want him to be confident around his peers as well. That is another reason why I’m grateful for this pregnancy since it’ll definitely be helpful to Baby to have another sibling.

Oh, and one last detail.. last night while lying in bed I told Baby how his Teacher Rose congratulated me for my pregnancy when his Tatay and I went to pick up his card for the 3rd grading. The smile he gave me was so huge, obviously happy at the news. He then sat up in bed and stoop to my bulging tummy. Making sure that his mouth is where my navel is (he believes this is where he should talk so his baby sibling could hear him), he whispered, “Baby, teacher ko yun siya, kaya huwag kang matakot sa kanya ha?” hehe Baby’s really so sweet and smart. I’m so grateful I have him.

Air Supply!!!

We almost did not make it to the concert. The car wasn’t out of the shop yet since it had continuously rainethe past days they could not get the paint job done. So Bolo and I had to take the taxi. But then it rained so hard so it was difficult to hail one. We came to a point that we decided to take a jeep instead up until we get to an area where it’s easier to get a cab. And so that’s what we did. All of a sudden the jeep broke down. So Bolo texted a friend who offered us a ride earlier but whom we turned down since we wanted to make it to the concert on time. We had to wait a bit and I was growing anxious by the minute.

And we thought that was the end of our worries. When we got to the venue, guess what happened to us? They held us out at the entrance. We were refused entry since they said, the venue was already overloaded. I know I should have felt annoyed but I was really finding the whole thing very funny. It seems to me that I have again become the subject of amusement for the fates. If they think the whole thing would make me grow mad and irritated well, they are wrong. I’ve gone past feeling that when some mishaps occur. Even from way, way back.

One thing I learned, no amount of irritation, filling your head with negative thoughts, could change how things are. If anything, they could only drag you down. From early on, I already learned the value of “not” crying over spilled milk. Tears would be pretty useless anyway. They wouldn’t replace the milk that was spilled, for sure. So every time something like this happens, I would usually find the whole thing amusing. I’m picturing God laughing over me with a naughty glint in His eye and so I would return the gesture and that is by seeing the humor behind all of it.

Anyway, so there we were. It was quite an experience really. Since there were a lot of us refused entry, there was much commotion. Some feigned irritation at the guards. Some pretended to be really angry just to scare the guards to let us in. And we were running late already. I was relaxed though, awaiting how the entire experience would unfold. But finally we were allowed in.

Bolo and I raced towards the venue’s gates. Upon entrance, guess what was the first thing I heard? Russel Hitchcock’s voice crooning, “There’s a chance you will be there, please be there alone. Let me speak of love… The chances are too strong. The chance you will be there….” I was definitely floored and disappointed all at the same time. Air Supply singing that song in the concert was what I was looking forward to. It was my “favoritist” among all of their songs. I was disappointed because I had pictured so many times in my head that I will be seated there in the dark, having goosebumps all over me the instant I would recognize the intro of the song. That’s what happened to me when JFC sang, “Gone Too Far” during his recent concert here.

But the rest of the night sure made it up for me. We were awfully late. I was downhearted upon finding out that the concert started on time. They usually don’t and so I did not worry much about the delay we’ve encountered. But as it is, it seemed that the fates finally favored me. There were no more available seats but lo and behold, Bolo managed to secure us a spot directly opposite the stage. We weren’t that near but the visuals was really great, we were at almost the same level as the stage so it was pretty awesome. When both artists went down to the audience singing one of my favorites – “Here I Am,” I nearly fainted. I could not imagine for the love of me, how that could possibly happen. There they were, artists you listened to while growing up, you loved their songs, you played them all day long in your guitar, you buy their tapes and CDs and you love them, period. And there they were, and the possibility of touching them. Hah! What more could one ask?!

But of course I wasn’t able to touch them hehehe. Not Russel nor Graham but the thought of them giving such once in a lifetime experience to the number of fans out there who were lucky enough to touch them firsthand, was enough to overwhelm me. I was grateful for them and their experience. I could only imagine how they were feeling but I empathized so much I felt then that it was also happening to me. I was really kicking myself for not wanting such an experience for myself. I turned to Bolo and told him, it did not happen to me because I did not ask for it. But who would anyway? Who would have thought that an international artist such as them would be brave enough to go down to the audience and let them touch them? I’ve been to a number of concerts but that was the first time I witnessed an international artist do so.

The music was great. The concert was great. It was fun seeing persons of all ages filling the venue to the brim. Some were dressed to the nines, others very casually. At one point, Bolo and I were even surprised when a mother and her baby of about 1 year old joined us in our little nook. I mean, a baby, really?! She was on her socks still. Hehehe

I knew all songs by heart that at the end of the concert, I was hoarse from singing out loud. It was a great night. There was something dreamlike about seeing a band -- you only listened to in the past and was a great part of your life – first-hand. I can’t wait to have more of the same : )

Affirmation

As if to affirm my entry below and my thoughts about it lately, Bolo and I again had a row this morning. It's been quite a while since we last fought. Actually, he's really been sweet lately and thus there was really nothing left to do but to return the favor. Up until this morning.

And yet there he was. He left just a few moments ago to bring me lunch. In our haste this morning, I totally forgot about it. Anyway, when he brought me lunch he pointed out to me how he still worry about me despite my being "maldita." :p I retorted back that it wasn't I who started it but him. Oh well, I guess that's really part of every relationships. I really just pray that we outgrow this particular stage. It just gets a little tiring at times, having to quarrel all the time. I like it best when he and I are deep in conversation over nothing, when we would talk about nothing in particular. It's as if we just want to hear each other's voice or just be in each other's company...