"Climbing" into Place

Last night I attended a meeting with "Climbing for Christ" (C4C) and I came home feeling as if everything is finally starting to fall into place. The desire to serve communities “up there” is a calling that I had felt even before I stepped out of college. It is the reason that got me into mountaineering. Five years into it and I am still wanting where the “serving” experience is concerned.

The act of finding myself was there – as I wrestled with my own limitations as I try to go beyond myself in order to conquer the mountains I’ve visited. I grew physically, overcoming my own weaknesses as every mountain experience taught me what my limitations are and how it is possible to go beyond them. Spiritually, I grew too. Communing with nature, conquering oneself and not just the mountain, drove home the point of how there is a Being far bigger than I am. The appreciation I have for the wonders of nature is nothing compared to the appreciation and awe I feel for the Creator of these wonders.

There was, however, very little opportunity for serving. Those trips I took were mostly for the adventure of it. In my travels though I’ve met some locals who, by their stories and by simply seeing how they live, touched me in so many ways. I would like to believe that I am also able to touch their lives somewhat by the stories that I also share with them.

Last night, when Ace showed us a video of one of their ministries, Tatay whispered, “Ito na yung inaantay mo ‘Nay.” (This is what you’ve been waiting for ‘Nay). It wasn’t a question. It was an acknowledgment. In that little phrase, Tatay said in words what I was also telling myself silently. What was shown in the video was the very experience I’ve been wanting and envisioning for myself (and very recently for my husband and son as well). It is an experience I very much want to be a part of and I felt a mixture of well-being and trepidation as it dawns to me that I am finally given a shot at it. Here is the opportunity that I’ve been waiting for. And God knows how long I’ve waited. The trepidation I felt was at the thought of the responsibility it also entails. Ah, I catch myself. Fear is borne out of my lack of self-confidence or more appropriately, by my own "self-centeredness." Once again, I am forgetting that this whole thing is not about me. It is never about me but God’s business. And looking at it that way, I know there is nothing to fear really…

Ace and Doc Cecil said something last night about how God sometimes uses our talents, our experiences for a greater purpose later on. I felt as if all those years of waiting, of being involved solely in mountaineering was to prepare me for this greater experience I am about to embark on.

For the longest time too I’ve been praying for Tatay to have that relationship with Him. Oh, he is a believer. He attends Sunday Masses with me and twice accompanied me to community worship. Sometimes even, he prayed the longest than I. But the relationship is not there. It’s as if he revels in the “communion” when he is there but forgets about it as soon as he had stepped out of the church. I longed for him to get to know Him in the way that I do, for Tatay to acknowledge Him in every aspect of his life. And then last night happened.

I am amused at how God saw to answering this particular prayer of mine. Or more aplty, as to how He would court Tatay into having a relationship with Him. I had prayed that He would find a way to Tatay’s heart, to instill in Tatay the desire to get to know Him more. And He had. What could be more fitting than revealing Himself to Tatay in the one thing he is so passionate about – climbing. Looking back, in Tatay’s own confused spiritual path – how he had gone from one religion to the next and then back again – I feel that, that too was just preparing him for this experience now.

This morning I woke up to Tatay snuggling close to me and telling me how he loves me very much. I know it was his way of thanking me for bringing him along last night and for the invitation I extended. Now I know why we had to stay together despite all that we’ve been through. Because He had a plan for this union. As Ace related to us his own teen-age marriage and how the first three years had been a struggle, I felt as if he had also been telling our story. He also related how everything had changed when they invited a third person into their marriage – Him. I had prayed for that to happen in our case but it had been difficult.

Now, I feel as if everything is falling into place and how all the things in the past were really just a preparation for all of this now… I pray that God will continue the work He had started in us last night.

"Credit"

I sat at the edge of the bed, feeling a lot of emotions all at once. I was frustrated, disappointed, angry, and upset. It was one of those moments when I would ask myself whether I made the right decision for choosing Bolo to be my other “half.” Yup, there are definitely moments like that. One thing I learned about being married is that it isn’t everyday that you will feel thankful that you are married. Haha! Every now and then there are moments when I would ask myself what I was thinking the day I decided to get married. Haha!

It’s pretty much like climbing really. Right when you’re in the middle of an eight-hour long trek. Your shoes are heavy with mud; the trail is getting steeper and more difficult; and what was once a comfortable pack begins to weigh heavily down your shoulders and back. At that point you would certainly ask what made you forsake the comforts of your home and bed to haul yourself up to be in the middle of a mountain and endure hours and hours of walking while carrying not-so-few kilos on your back.

In mountaineering, however, past experiences would tell you that a glorious view at the peak would make all the sacrifices worth it. You knew that after the entire long, hard trek, the view at the top would make up for all that you’ve endured. Nothing sure beats the feeling of being up there, looking down in all of God’s creation. As long as one’s eye could see.

In marriage, well, it is a lifelong commitment, and a lifelong journey. This meant that the “peak” is nowhere around any immediate corner. One had to “travel” a lifetime before one reaches the peak. So who knows what awaits us there? What are the sights to behold? And what are the emotions that would course through us once we reach the summit of married life?

But I’m digressing again. I only wanted to write about a recent incident wherein Bolo and I fought again over a minute little detail. Sometime soon, to celebrate my birthday and our anniversary (and also to treat mama to a long overdue vacation), we are going on a family travel. Well, it had been a tradition of ours to travel at least once a year as a family. It is something we look forward to every year.

Anyway, I’ve been moving heaven and earth just to make sure everything would fit within our budget. Since this time, there wouldn’t just be the three of us. Mama, Janin and Mama Fely will be joining us. Having Mama and Janin meant additional expense of course. It meant extra air fare, extra terminal fees, extra bus fares and other incidentals. Not that I really mind it at all. If I could have my way, I’d bestow on Mama all the luxury that she truly deserves. But as it is, reality entails, Bolo and I could only afford so much.

So I’ve really been surfing the net overtime the past few months, looking for ways and options wherein we could save. I was lucky enough to have found a cheap accommodation due to some recommendation of a friend (Thanks Ruf! :)). Anyway, the reservation entails that I have to make a deposit to their Allied Bank account. Credit card would not do since there are additional charges.

Now, here’s why we quarreled. Bolo was set to go to Bankerohan for some ukay rendezvous. I had to be at the office the whole day. I had no time to flit off and go to the bank which is so totally out of the way. Allied Bank, however, is close to where Bankerohan is. So it makes so much sense to have Bolo go to the bank and make the deposit. But he would not.

There he was lying at the other side of the bed, covering his face with a pillow and like a spoiled child stubbornly told me he isn’t going to make the transaction. I was angry and felt so incredulous I swear I could have done something more than just seethe there in silence. No amount of cajoling would want him to do it. I tried drama by crying, appealing to his hopefully-present-merciful-side by pointing out to him that it’ll be much of an inconvenience for me. Then I tried bullying, trying to throw a fit just so he would agree to do it. When that did not work, I got rude and pointed out to him he only had to “deposit” and not bother about… well… looking for the funds to be deposited.

I’m not in the least proud of this. And this is certainly ugly but I was really disappointed that he refused to do it. That he wouldn’t mind if I had to go through all the hassles when he could do it himself. Anyway, finally getting ashamed of myself for having resorted to the lowest trick on the book, I tried diplomacy. I mustered all the patience I could get and assured him I’ll try my best to provide him with all the information he needed – the account details, the address, etc. I told him I would write everything so clearly so he wouldn’t have to commit a mistake.

Finally, I got to him and he stood up and stomped his way out of the bedroom muttering something to my face. It was a full sentence but all I could hear was the word, “credit.” It was hard to miss since he kept repeating the word. It was only when I followed him downstairs that I understood what he meant by “credit.”

I was lucky enough to have secured a deposit slip from Allied Bank since that is where Mama Fely keeps a checking account. I knew pretty well that his reluctance to do the transaction was Allied Bank being different from PS Bank and Banco De Oro. What both banks had in common is that he often transacts there for me. So he’s pretty much familiar with the forms and all that. Allied Bank, however, was a new one. Haaay. What is it with guys, anyway? Their being so scared about asking questions when they don’t know what to do about something? :p

I patiently explained to him that I already wrote down the account details of the hotel in the sample deposit slip. I pointed out to him, however, that since he’s making an inter-branch transaction, he’d probably be asked to fill up another sort of form. I reassured him that it shouldn’t bother him since all the details needed would be in the sample deposit slip. I reassured him there is nothing so scary about all of it actually and that he could always ask questions if ever he is unsure of anything. Then his reply totally made me smile. He told me in not so many words that yeah he is willing to do the transaction himself. What he is upset about is that his efforts would not again be “credited,” that it’s as if he did nothing at all. I was amused and sad all at the same time.

So that was what he meant by “credit.’ It saddened me to think that I’ve probably been not vocal about my appreciation for all the little things he did for me. Well, not as much as I’ve been so vocal about his “misdeeds” and shortcomings to me. In hindsight, our first year had seen me always vocal about my appreciation for him. I would often text him my “thank you’s” for taking care of our son, for his doing errands for my Mom. Come to think of it, “thank you’s” then were often exchanged between the two of us. I could distinctly recall a touching incident wherein Bolo turned to me and thanked me for bearing him his son… Now I wonder where all of that have gone to.

Have I become so petty? So shortsighted? Or is there also some “lack” in his part that made me become one? Was it the “injectibles”? Post-partum blues? Stress? Feeling of discontent? Or all of the above? I think these are things that I ought to seriously think about. If there is one thing I learned from the incident it is that appreciation sure could go a long, long way in any relationship. It will always be a good company to keep rather than constant fault-finding and petty quarrels over nothing that serious really. Ah, this, I should keep in mind. Always.