A Different Breed

Last January 3 I attended the internment of Tita Owa, Jeni's second mother and a well-respected former director of NEDA XI. A week before that we were at her wake and were amazed at the outpouring of sympathies shown the family through the flowers sent and the countless number of visitors who came to pay their respect.

The tags from the flowers indicated that they came from "big" personalities, key players who play equally big roles where development of the region and of Mindanao is concerned. Noting this observation, I remarked to Jeni that Tita Owa and Ate Ditdit -- who went before her (and the others whom I was not fortunate enough to have worked with) -- were really of a different breed. Their working style was different. Their love and passion for Mindanao and their role in it very much apparent. I guess it is the same passion and love that fuels the "working style" being displayed.

Working style. I think about my own working style, my inconsistencies at times -- displaying sheer brilliance and commitment now and then falling short of that in the next instant as I try to juggle being a "passionate" development worker, a mother of a three-year-old son, a wife, being the only daughter.. a niece of an ailing aunt... I remember my moments of "ineptness" (which does not occur often, I hope) and my excuses for them and think about how Tita Owa, Ate Ditdit, and the others like them, managed to do all these things all at once and still remained on the top of their form. I feel a bit of a shame at the thought.

Only a while back I put down the phone feeling utterly disappointed and a bit disgusted at being confronted by "ineptitude" in one of its rawest forms. It's a long story and I don't want to divulge the details but it entailed some "dishonoring" of commitments. It cost me much -- my time, opportunities I turned down, and well, income I have been counting much on. But that wasn't as nearly painful as the knowing that things are not as what they used to be, when integrity and commitment were upheld with the highest regard.

I am not saying I am better than they are. I too am guilty of ineptitude every now and then. And I could only speak for myself -- that every time this occurs, I am ridden with guilt, try my damnedest to pick up where I left off, and remind myself I am not just selling pancakes on the street but is playing an important role -- no matter how minute -- in this field called "development work."

I long for the day when work was tough but was very much rewarding, knowing full well you are making a kind of "contribution to life" somewhat. Now, I'm surprised to be working with some people who claim to be working for Mindanao but shows no "soul" or the "heart" for it. Again, I am not saying I am far better than they are. I have my own struggle with myself, as imperfect as I am.

I guess I really just miss the likes of 'Te Ditdit and Tita Owa who were awe-inspiring, whose display of commitment is a constant reminder to people like me that we ought to work harder, better and with utmost integrity because this kind of work that we do deserve no less than that.

I am still very much in an uphill where emulating their example is concerned. But I am comforted with the thought that I do not have to fill in their shoes (which were both big and noble) but should only be concerned with filling in mine. Being the best that I could be -- in what I do, in playing the role entrusted in my care, in fulfilling His plans and purpose for me -- is my primary task. And it's such a tall order already as it is... I am grateful for my mentors though -- eternally will be -- for their examples, for showing me how things ought to be done... May their souls be at peace...

Circle of Fire...of Life...

We were all huddled in a circle, discussing all sorts of issues on "development." We are in a meeting organized by a foreign-funded development agency. All participants there, myself included, are partners of that agency. Most of us have projects in partnership with them while some just have concluded projects with them.

Everyone was candid, airing out their sentiments outright, openly sharing their views and ideas. While we were making comments on how things could still be improved, it was not in a criticizing manner. Everything was treated objectively. In fact, it was very glaring that everyone there was not intent about just making criticisms but on how things could be better for the smooth implementation of projects. The focus was on how the projects will be delivered to the "beneficiaries" (or as pointed out during the meeting, the politically correct term would be, "partners") the best and fastest, possible way. The stress was on the importance of meeting their needs and addressing important developmental issues. The sincerity of everyone present really struck me. Everyone's candidness imply the fact that these people are indeed serious about working for development and not just being there for monetary reasons alone. Well, I've had some experiences on the latter...

We were intent on our discussion when the feeling of dejavu hit me. I felt myself floating and for a while a vision of the same circle but in another more primitive time drifts in and out of my mind. In the vision, we were huddled close to a bonfire, also engrossed in some sort of conference. I smiled at the vision, noting its possibility.

The activity served a reunion of sorts for most of us. Old classmates, past collegues, members of the same network in the past quite eagerly made a "reconnection" then, rekindling old fires, reminding everyone of one's passion about development that have somehow ebbed over the years. For a moment I thought that day's activity was like a gathering of sorts in a waterhole, for some tired soul warriors to refresh themselves and replenish their weary selves after spending years and the most part of their lives working for Mindanao.

I sat there and I began to re-examine my recent pre-occupation about uprooting my family and moving on to some country to start our lives anew. I must admit I am being pulled in opposite directions nowadays. And I'm afraid the fire that used to light my spirit -- that had been the constant barometer for my decisions in the past -- would sometimes waver when I think about certain realities such as my son's future and my immediate family's direction in life.

I've had, had opportunities to get into some really serious conversations during lull moments at the meeting and at one point I felt an affirmation when I heard someone say, "Now I feel it's high time I think about working for my family and not just for Mindanao. Now, the kids are growing up, and demanding more time from me. I think it's high time that I start thinking for myself..."

I'll always be inlove with Mindanao. For some reason, I feel a special connection to this place. In my youth, I have known right away that my talents and gifts would be for Mindanao and not for some place else. I was never lured by the promises of great wealth and a more comfortable life that being in another country offers. I knew then where my passion lay and I was deadset about it. Up until now. During one of those conversations, I shared how I find it ironic how simple everything was to me in the past when my preoccupation had been that of the macro-perspective -- working for peace and development in Mindanao. Now, that I am forced to look into the micro-details of my life -- being a Mom and a wife -- I found out it's more complicated and time-consuming and more detail-oriented. There are just too many at stake where the latter is concerned. But yeah, I love both aspects of my life now.

If I could have my way, I'd love to chance upon a great windfall of money, where I could continue to work for my passion while at the same time be sure that my family and son will be well-provided for. For sure, I would like to bequeth to my son this passion I have about Mindanao. It's one unique quality that I love about myself and I would like to share that with him. I long for the day when I would be able to tag him along in one of those great causes for Mindanao. I long to teach him about peace, about love for nature, and for a heritage that is so rich but so unfortunately torn by so much unrest. I love my son dearly in the same way that I am so passionate about this land I call "home." I would love for him to share the same passion.