When It's All Been Said and Done

I’m always wary about talking about my spirituality. In fact, it makes me uneasy about being called, “religious.” Because, I feel there’s just a lot of expectations connoted with the term. And no one knows better than I do, that I’m far from being a saint. Bah, if I think of all my shortcomings, the not-so-good attitudes that I have, the mistakes I’ve committed, it’s enough to make me want to run for cover out of shame. So most definitely, I am far from being “religious.”

If anything though, I am most certain about my love for my God. I know I stumble every now and then. I know time and again I fail to live a most “upright,” “blemish-free” life but the fire I feel for Him who makes all things beautiful is something that I always have in my heart. The intensity may vary at times – sometimes it diminishes when I’m so engrossed with all the other aspects of my life – but it is always there.

After what I’ve been through the past months, I found myself seeking that which I know would give me strength. So I clung to Him, with all intensity that has seemed to waver as I become too preoccupied with being a good wife and a good mother.

I guess becoming a parent (and a wife) overwhelmed me a bit. There are just far too many things that needed to be done. I found myself groping with all the responsibilities that I suddenly had to contend with. Suddenly, I have to stop thinking about myself alone, what I want to do and what I want to do with my time. All of a sudden, there’s this tiny being that needed my time and attention – 24/7. There hardly is time for anything else. And on top of that there’s trying to adjust to living with another person who has different set of values, priorities, preferences. Really, being married is like having to deal with the littlest detail – arguing about having the lights on or off at bedtime – to the bigger stuff such as deciding on whether to get Baby an educational plan or not…

So I guess amidst all of that I had unwittingly (and unwillingly) set aside my time for my spiritual life. Oh, Bolo and I still go to church. Al though I must admit there are times we had to argue about it (which usually breaks my heart). It’s a good thing that now he is showing more inclination towards it and even is the first to urge me to go sometimes. But I guess what I missed the most was my time for my community. I had stopped going to prayer meetings. I missed the opportunity it gives me to really have that connection… to reestablish the relationship…It’s like having a long-distance relationship. You feel the love but somehow the intensity is not that strong for the lack of real good “bonding” that being together physically brings…

Lately though, I’ve been listening to my old CDs. Even at work, the playlist I play in my youtube account is that of my “gospel” collection. It helped. Somehow, it made me stronger… Now, I’m realizing why I missed going to the prayer meetings so much. Listening to the songs, slowly I begin to have the right priorities again… Little by little, I feel as if my life again has some kind of direction. I’m not saying that it had no direction ever since I got married. What I’m trying to say is that the songs reminded me of the things that should come first in my life… of what really matters… I guess it’s really different if you have faith to cling to… Somehow, no matter how difficult things are, they’re a lot easier to bear…
And one also sees thing differently… like now I don’t have to worry much about whether or not I’m being a good Mom. That thought alone is enough to make me crazy. In my wanting everything to be best for my son, the whole thing almost becomes an obsession. It obliterates everything…

But having faith, I know that I could only do so much. Now, I’m relearning how it is to take my life by the reigns again… being in control of it.., but not being overly obsessed about it… Because, I know not everything is in my control… There is a God who is doing his work on me everyday… helping me become the “best” person I could be… and Who have taught me time and again He makes all things beautiful.. only if we let Him or be aware enough to acknowledge that…

Below is one of my favorite songs…It’s a favorite because it reminds me of what really matters in the end… And with that in mind, I should conduct my life accordingly… I chatted with a friend earlier. We’re discussing about the dilemma she’s in. It’s difficult having to tell someone how to live their lives. I don’t. I always believe the choice is ours to make alone. Because in the end it is always between you and yourself and/or your God if you’re a spiritual person…

I did not tell her what she should do with her life. In the first place I don’t think I ever have the authority to do so at all nor the wisdom to direct her to the right decisions to make… I shared with her, instead, my thoughts on how I want to be when I’m old and grey. I told her I’ve seen far too many people who grows old bitter and angry at the world and having far too many regrets… I told her I want to be like those other people who grows old gracefully…

The last thing I’d want to do is to be gray and old and wish I have done things differently. That is why I try to be careful with what I do… in making decisions… in choosing. Sometimes, no matter how difficult it is, I try to choose to handle the souls around me with kindness… even if they’ve been unkind to me… Because I’ve learned time and again that in the end, it’s really kindness that pays… and stays… The angry words, the bitterness, they linger but they’re such heavy companions to lug around with…

But by God, I still have a long way to go where that is concerned… I have my temper too and more often than not I still manage to hurt the other people in my life with my sharp tongue and temper… Ironically, those people that really matter… So, I’m still working on that…

I want to grow old knowing I'm happy with the choices I've made even if other people may tell me differently... After all, when everything's beenn said and done... nothing really matters but how well you lived your life and how well you loved the persons you have come in contact with in your life... So help me, God...



When It's All Been Said and Done
By: Don Moen

Why do we do what we do?
It should be out of motivation of love...
Not of hidden agenda..
Because that's what really matters...

When it's all been said and done
There is just one thing that matters
Did I do my best to live for truth
Did I live my life for you

When it's all been said and done
All my treasures will mean nothing
Only what I've done for loves reward
Will stand the test of time..


Lord your mercy is so great
that you look beyond our weakness..
And find purest gold in miry clay
Turning sinners into saints..

I will always sing your praise
Here on earth and ever after
For you've shown me heaven's my true hope

When it's all been said and done,
You're my life when life is gone...