On Mama, Motherhood, Attachments and Unfolding...

I'm drowning, Mama. In grief.  I had such a crazy two weeks.  Little sleep.  Too much work and everything else in between.  Awhile back I was just fine.  I was happily doing the dishes, cleaning up the kitchen.  My housemate cooked me a traditional Malawian dinner.  So it was my turn to do the washing up.  The music kept me upbeat as I worked.

Now, as I settle here in the sofa, the same music brought the memory of you.  I'm thinking of our impending move and how we would be leaving you behind.  I was thinking of bringing along your photo. Have it in one of our rooms so it would still be like you are with us.  I am hoping that Aunty and Eric would pay you a visit sometimes. So you won't be too lonely where you are...

I miss you, Mama so much.  Just now i felt as if a big weight is on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe.. I do know you are now happy where you are...  No more pain and that feeling of being tired... Sometimes I think perhaps you miss us too... Or maybe not... knowing what you know now... But I also know that attachment is real too... But you have loved us well, Ma. Do rest in peace... Let me cry a little every now and then but don't worry too much.  You're just too wonderful thus we miss you in our midst.  And yes, there are regrets as well, aren't there?  Like I should have spent more time with you... 

I was thinking earlier, if itwould be my turn to see Rod slowly drift away as well as he carves a space for himself, I would totally understand. I would understand if he would forget me... and would only pay a visit whenever... Life would be exciting for him.. adulting would be tough... he would have responsibilities... he would be overwhelmed at the same time preocuppied with chasing after his dreams, his wants... And I would have to accept that... I'm thinking that is why I should also not stop pursuing my dreams and wants... So I do not just sit there, alone, waitng for my children to come and pay me a visit.. wondering and worrying about them a lot...

Well, I pray I would still be "awake" enough to know all this... to give my children wings when the time would come and not to be a slave of my attachments to them.  After all, as long as I live, my own unfolding continues... perhaps when the time comes, I would finally have the time to learn how to play a cello... perhaps, singing well into my grey years... 

He Finds Me as I Sit (and Think)

On my first day of finally settling in here in Nairobi, quite unexpected, but I was able to participate in a Mass celebration right away.  As I sat there, I felt validated again by God’s promise that indeed He finds me (or rather He would be there waiting for me), whether I cross an ocean, climb the highest mountain or be in a valley. I was beyond grateful and humbled. 

As if I needed convincing, one Saturday I found myself sitting inside an MOPH Shrine in a middle of an early morning Mass. The fact that our family family devotion that Mama started is that of Mother of Perpetual Help was not entirely lost on me. I sat there crying as the final hymn spoke of wanderers’ asking for blessings, guidance and protection. Am I not one?  Is God favouring me again by finding ways to ‘speak’ to me?

Finding time to read’s today’s gospel, again He found me while I was just going about my day. The gospel spoke of a lot of things – about Jesus’ defying an image of Him being meek and gentle by rebuking the Pharisee’s and calling out Herod Antipas as a (sly) fox. What struck me the most though was the picture that Jesus painted of God as a hen wanting (desperately) to gather all of His children under His wings.  It shook me to the core and I am fighting my tears right now, reflecting about it.

To me, the image speaks of so much love.  The gospel speaks about God sending one prophet over the other to bring His people back to Him.  And by back to Him, it really meant to be under His care and protection. And yet, as Jesus pointed out, Jerusalem killed them all.  And we all know that even God’s own son did not escape from the same plight.  The reading pointed out that the message of all those prophets is really all about God’s love and His wanting to follow His commandments.

I sit here reflecting on what that means exactly.  I was amused at one point as I caught myself asking, “Which so-called ‘sins’ are acceptable?”  It seems that my “very” human self is trying to find ways to be able to have my cake and eat it too. It’s like I was saying, “Sure, I can give it a shot – following God’s will but I want to also know whether there are certain licenses and ‘leisure’ I still can enjoy while doing so.”  Truly, human flesh speaking :) But then I grew sober when I got reminded by Jesus’ definition of following God’s will and that is to love God with all our hearts and to love our neighbours as ourselves. I readily told myself I do love God. But then again grew quiet as I reflect on how does that love translate into action?  Sure, my heart breaks and tears readily come to mind in as simple as listening to worship songs and reflecting on God’s love and faithfulness to me and my family.  It does not take much thinking though to be certain that, that is not enough. 

If I am to think of “key performance indicators” being the MEAL practitioner that I am, perhaps I could come up with 10 indicators or so.  But I am also thinking that my thoughts and ways would always fall short of God’s own.  What I may think as a way of loving God could exceed or fall short of what God may want and mean. 

I sit here and think that perhaps the journey alone – that self-journey or the finding of the self and of pondering on God’s desires for us—might just be what He asks of us.  Not some grand gesture or action that our human brains can conjure.  Maybe, it could be as simple as being our best self in every situation we find ourselves in. It could simply be, being mindful of our own talents and skills and putting that to good use or spending time to cultivate them even more. It could be as simple as accepting ourselves as who we are – strengths, faults and all – and loving our very selves because God created us so consciously that He lovingly knows of every detail as the exact number of hair on our heads (Luke 12:7).

Indeed, Your thoughts are not our thoughts, God.  And perhaps your desire is for us to continuously live in awe and wonder of all the great things that You do.  Sya nawa. 

Such is Your Way

Rehabilitating Mama's orchids before settling down to work. Such is your way Mama - you never took me aside to give me a step by step lecture on how to grow orchids. You taught by example. You and your handy pliers, puttering around my little yard. You showing up after a weekend from your house, bringing along some seedlings, or all those Kadyawan agri fairs, looking at orchids and plants of all sorts and then buying some for the house.

I remember how we would often look longingly at the expensive vanda's or cattleya's and would laughingly opt to buy minute seedlings of each because those are what we could only afford.  (We both are also quite stingy that way haha!)  

We would spend hours looking at all the plants. And often, we would have a phase. There was an instance we bought some fruit trees and fruit vines.  At a time it was ornamental plants, then cactuses... then airial, teeny-weeny plants hahaha  I remember how we would always look forward to going to those agri fairs.  We're too excited to know which plants we would want to buy next.  I remember that one last time we had where Rod got enamored with bonsai's and we had to pool our money so we could to buy one.  

Now as I tend to your orchids, Mama, with their yellowed, almost lifeless leaves, surprises me how I seem to just know how to take care of them. I guess you've led me through your heart. I miss you so much.

One Fine (Tuned) Sunday

Last week, Tatay and Rod had an episode again.  Instead of making it weigh me down as usual, I shrugged my shoulders, got on my knees and looked at the heavens.  I could only pray.  So it was a good thing that today Tatay sent me a video of  Rod trying out the piano.  He had been tellling his Tatay to get it fixed.  It's been a while since rain damaged it.  And Rod and/ or Ate Janin at the piano is always something that gives us some kind of a relief.  Because it meant Rod or Ate is off their gadgets.  What made me real happy though was when Tatay told me the four of them worked on the piano today.  And it seemed Rod has come around after keeping his distance again after the fight with his Tatay.  I pray sana tuloy2x na.  

What to Say?

So I couldn't again resist buying Forest an African dress at the Malawi airpot this morning. In the three months that I was home before this deployment, /we were always fighting over her bursting closet (and toys and stuff that is all over the house but that is another matter).  She simply has a lot of clothes.  And they are in these categories -- (a) clothes that is her current size and is currently wearing; (b) clothes she has outgrown and are too small for her; (c) clothes that she is about to outgrow and are a bit tight and uncomfortable to wear already; (d) some hand-me-downs from Ate Tunga, Ate Badak and Ate Nico that are still a bit large for her.

I've been wanting her to give away those (b) and (c) because even her (a) clothes are simply far too many.  She holds on to the former two however with so much fervor and kept telling me, "Nanay, I'm not yet ready to give them away."  She would even quote her Tita Jeni saying, "Sabi ni Tita Jeni, ibigay ko lang daw ang mga damit ko pag ready na ako." Hah!

Some of those (b) clothes though are those that Lola bought. I totally understand and honor her feelings of wanting to keep them. There are, however, a lot of those also that are simply too little for her.  For (c) clothes, we've compromised that she wears them often these days as her way of  getting ready to say goodbye to them. We agreed she would wear them once or twice as a way of saying goodbye and then we give them away.   At times she would relent.  Almost always though she does not like to wear them and would say she wanted to wear something "comfortable" and loose. And the old argument would start again with me insisting again that she gives away those clothes already!

This morning though while shopping I remember a particular incident before I left for this deployment.  Forest came to me and shared that a classmate told her she is "paarte" wearing trendy clothes in school. She shared further how she replied that she is only wearing the clothes I buy her from my travels because she doesn't want them to go to waste.

I was left speechless. I did not know want to say.  Even as a little child, Forest already loves to dress up.  Sure, we are the ones buying her dresses.  Everyone in the family is just too excited to have again a baby girl after a long while that we went quite overboard with the clothes.  They are not often expensive but a lot of them are cute ones. I guess, it's like having a live Barbie doll in our midst.  But even as a little child, she would choose what to wear by herself.  She loves changing too.  She simply loves clothes, period.  Year after year, she has her own taste in clothes.  And on certain days, she likes wearing particularl type of clothes -- skirt over leggings... stockings with her Sunday dress... etc. etc.

My first impulse was to tell her to yes, indeed, she needed to tone down her dressing up when she goes to school. She does not want to be too flashy.  But then, I caught myself.  I paused and thought if that was the right thing to say.  I thought how Forest's clothes for school are not really flashy and not appropriate. In fact, those that I buy for her are just good cotton clothes. Loose ones that would be quite useful for her activities in school.  Some though really just stood out because of the prints.

I'm thinking now, should I just let her wear plain, "color-of-the-day"t-shirt and pants?  She has plenty of those too. But often, when deciding what to wear for school she would reach out to the cotton dresses and bottoms I bought for her.  She likes them because they are comfortable and give her enough room for movement. Also, I'm thinking, what message am I sending to her by asking her to tone down her choices just because someone called her out? If I do so, is that also tantamount to "putting out her fire?" To not honor that part of her who knows exactly what she wants to wear just because we are too concerned of what other people feel and think?

There are already instances that I did just that -- asking her if she would pair a dress with sneakers instead of the Sunday shoes she is thinking of pairing it with. This, in an attempt to make it less party-like and more school appropriate.  Or, to wear her rugged, cargo pants instead of her choice of skirt over a pair of leggings.  And for what?  Because I don't want her to stand out far too much while in school. But those are her preferrences and I'm telling her not to just because.

Sure, I would draw the line if Forest would wear something inappropriate like something far too sexy to be age appropriate. But that's just the thing.  Forest herself do not like showing skin.  She does not like for her knees to show thus she found a way to still wear the skirts she loves by pairing them with leggings.

So there I was at that time telling her exactly how I felt-- "I don't know what to say, Forest."  On the one hand, I want to give her freehand at defining who she is, what she likes, doesn't like.  I would never want to commit the mistake of shaping her into someone who would limit her choices because of what other people think. I want her to embrace herself, love herself for who she is.  I wouldn't want her to think I want her to be a version of a person that is "acceptable" to everyone. That would be like saying I don't love her for who she is. Arrrgh!  To overthink no?

I thought I've already laid dow this overthinking tendencies to rest.  Come to think of it, I have, when it comes to making my own choices. I don't really overthink that much anymore. I let life and God be.  But I guess, when it comes to my children, I still do because I would always want what's best for them.

So what to say when Forest would again share with me a similar incident? I still don't have the answers.  For now, I'm more leaning towards letting her be as long as she is not hurting anyone or is not short-changing herself. I'm thinking now, we can't always help what other children would think or would say to her.  I don't want her to feel guilty for her personal choices. It's like being sorry for being who she is. I would never want that for Forest! Or all my children!  And as she relayed, she is finding her own words on what to say during such situations.  And I think, in a way, that is a mini-course right there for her; something that would prepare her as an adult when the time comes.  There would always be someone who would dislike her and her choices.  There would always be that instance when her choices would not sit well with others.  Nanay would not always be there to coach her in how to handle those things.

Baba God, help and show me the way!

Parables

Woke up to find an angry message from my teen-age son which ended with something like, "Don't give me speeches again as it would not change anything."  Right.  So full of angst huh?  It was heartbreaking but I guess being away gave me enough space not be drawn right into his drama. And slowly, I found the words.  Hal-way through, I began to realise why Jesus had to talk in parables.  Because it would make you think. Because the stories would draw you right inwards and engages you at the soulful level. Jesus indeed is so full of wisdom. And now, as a parent to THREE teenagers (including Tatay), I am learning and LEANING more and more towards Him and His wisdom. Abba God, help me.

Attending Mass in Blantyre and Remembering Mama

I feel grateful today since I was finally able to go to Mass.  In my past deployments, there hardly was any Catholic Church around. So it was quite difficult.  In Iraq,it was only on my last year and when I moved to Erbil that I finally got a chance to attend the weekly Masses (on Friday).

Today's gospel has been on Mary and Martha and how the latter was bemoaning the fact that Mary was not helping her in the kitchen, preparing food for Jesus and the other guest.  Mary was instead right where Jesus was listening to his talk.  In the Homily, the priest mentioned about balance.  I thought the stress would be on prayer as usually is the case when this was the gospel. The priest instead talked of the importance of creating a balance in our lives -- for prayer and for apostolic life.

The Mass ended a bit early.  There were less songs.  /t's pretty much like the noon time Masses back home.  Still, it was a blessing to have been able to go.  When I went out of the church, it was chilly.  Freezing even.  I was so desperate to get out of the cold that I went down right away when I car similar to the office taxi arrived.  It was embarrassing to find out later on that it wasn't the car at all. So I went right back tnside.

I missed you so much today, Mama. Days had been great. Working hours were long but you know how happy my work makes me. But yes, sometimes grief has a way of sneaking up on you. I saw some video of a celebrity couple moving into their new home. They made a trip down memory lane, reminiscing the time when they first lived in a small, rented condo unit up until this point that they are moving into a house of their dreams.

I resonated. I remember those times when we would crowd in our bedroom watching funny DVDs. We would all sit on the big bed --you, the children and myself, having the time of our lives. Loreto would be on the floor or would crowd next to us. So I searched through our family pictures and came acroos this. It speas of so much volume. It speaks of how much love you have given to us all.

I'm just grateful that God had given me the many opportunities to give back to you what you have given me... us.. the children. But they were not even half of what you have given me, us. I love you, Mama. I miss you.

Highlands

O how high would I climb mountains
       C                         G
If the mountains were where You hide
    Em                    D
O how far I'd scale the valleys
      C                  G
If You graced the other side


[Verse 2]
    Em                  D
O how long have I chased rivers
           C                   G
From lowly seas to where they rise
            Em                D
Against the rush of grace descending
        C                 G
From the source of its supply


[Pre-Chorus 1]
              C          D          Em
'Cause in the highlands and the heartache
               G                 D
You're neither more or less inclined
       C           D         Em
I would search and stop at nothing
            C
You're just not that hard to find


[Chorus]
G
 I will praise You on the mountain
D                                                Em
 And I will praise You when the mountain's in my way
           D                       C
You're the summit where my feet are
                                            G
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
                              D
No less God within the shadows
                                           Em
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
           D
You're the heaven where my heart is
C                                           Em    D     C    G
 In the highlands and the heartache all the same


[Verse 3]
    Em                   D
O how far beneath Your glory
          C                   G
Does Your kindness extend the path
                Em               D
From where Your feet rest on the sunrise
             C                    G
To where You sweep the sinner's past


[Verse 4]
    Em                      D
O how fast would You come running
           C                       G
If just to shadow me through the night
        Em                    D
Trace my steps through all my failure
            C              G
And walk me out the other side


[Pre-Chorus 2]
              C      D           Em
For who could dare ascend that mountain
              G                D
That valleyed hill called Calvary
            C     D           Em
But for the One I call Good Shepherd
           C
Who like a lamb was slain for me


[Chorus]
G
 I will praise You on the mountain
D                                                Em
 And I will praise You when the mountain's in my way
           D                       C
You're the summit where my feet are
                                            G
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
                              D
No less God within the shadows
                                           Em
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
           D
You're the heaven where my heart is
C                                           Em    D     C    G
 In the highlands and the heartache all the same



[Bridge]
              Em                     D
Whatever I walk through, wherever I am
                      C                   G
Your name can move mountains wherever I stand
                  Em                        D
And if ever I walk through the valley of death
                        C                   G
I'll sing through the shadows my song of ascent


              Em                     D
Whatever I walk through, wherever I am
                      C                   G
Your name can move mountains wherever I stand
                  Em                        D
And if ever I walk through the valley of death
                        C                  G                  Em    D    C    G
I'll sing through the shadows my song of ascent, my song of ascent
              Em     D     C     G
My song of ascent


[Pre-Chorus 3]
         C       D        Em
From the gravest of all valleys
         G                  D
Come the pastures we call grace
         C        D      Em
A mighty river flowing upwards
       C
From a deep but empty grave


[Chorus]
G
 I will praise You on the mountain
D                                                Em
 And I will praise You when the mountain's in my way
           D                       C
You're the summit where my feet are
                                            G
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
                              D
No less God within the shadows
                                           Em
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
           D
You're the heaven where my heart is
C                                           G
 In the highlands and the heartache all the same

Oh Abba Father, how You find me everytime. 

There I was sitting here, trying to fight sleep as I try to do my work.  

Then this song came through the earphones and my whole being awakens.  

I am reminded once again how I am never really alone in this, huh?  

Whether I find myself in the midst of a city, in front

of a great mountain, somewhere near a dessert, an ocean, a sea... 

Your Presence readily makes Itself felt  just when I needed it the most or 

even when I am not fully conscious I do.  But yes, the timing is always perfect. 

Always, always...

Indeed my God, I would climb a mountain if I am to find you there.  

I would go where you lead mw, even if my heart bleeds at the thought of 

leaving my little ones behind. I would go even when I am full of self-doubt. I go.  

Thank you for your gift of Calvary and for showing us all the way.

I may not be perfect, always a work in progress but I love You. I love You. 

Even when I knew it pales in comparison to the love You have for us; 

even when I do not demonstrate it always, not in the same way that You always show 

just how much You love me.

Grateful. I am grateful Lord for everything, for Your grace, 

for everything you've showered my life with.

Oh! Forest

Talked with Forest yesterday over Skype. She immediately blurted out, "Miss na kita, Nay! Mingaw ang bahay wala ka." (I miss you, Nanay! The house is quiet without you). Now in hindsight, I could not help but smile.  I wonder if she was referring to the times I've been nagging her and Kuya (and practically everyone in the house) for it being such a miss and for not picking up after themselves.
But at that instant, I felt my heart drop.  I knew then what she meant.  Coz just the night before that I also struggled going to sleep, lying on the bed without feeling her beside me.

She then told me she had a surprise for me going up the stairs.  She showed me a tidy hallway, a clean bin with the broom right beside it.  All her handiwork. And my heart expanded.  That was never clean whenI was at home. There was always some things lying on the floor (either her toys or Kuya's mess). The bin would be overflowing with bottles of sugary drinks (Kuya's!!!) and some other stuff.  At times a bunch of trash would be swept at one side with the broom next to it.  It was a disaster and a scene that readily pushed my button. So when she showed me she cleaned it all, I knew she really must miss me...

That very same day, in the morning, we also had a quick call.  I was getting ready for the office.  It was 6 AM my time.  It meant around noon in theirs.  It was a good thing she was on a health break from school.  She was home.  It was Tatay who called me so I immediately asked for her -- "Si Forest, Tay?"  Tatay directed the phone towards his left where Forest apparently was lying down, trying to take a nap.  In jest, Tatay said, "Diara o, pangit na Forest." (Here's the ugly Forest).  I was expecting an exclamation of protest.  Instead she was besides herself with mirth, laughing so hard.  So I asked, "What is so funny?"  She replied in between laughter, "Sabi niya kasi pangit ako. Eh mana ako sa kanya so pangit rin siya! Hahahaha!"  (Because he's saying I'm ugly but I look like him. So it means he's ugly too! Hahaha!)   Haaay, this kid!


I miss you everyday, Anak. I miss your arms around me.

Odd

Last night, I had dinner with a colleague whom I've met for the first time in Addis Ababa some two or years back.  It was for a week-long learning review.  The odd thing was, it turns out that she and I will also be based, at the same time, again in Africa but in a different country this time --Kenya.  It'sreally funny how life works.  Sure, I know that humanitarian field is such a small world and you're bound to bump into someone you've worked with in a response somewhere.  But yeah, it's just funny thing is that you meet a lot of people along the way and there are those you think are just on a one-off thing and then only to have life surprise you down the road, a little later. 

Another odd thing is that I find myself in such a colorful country (continent as I will be travelling to another one in two week's time) just when I'm on a self-imposed to-wear-all-white-tops only state. It's as if life has conspired to make sure my days at this time would not be so bleak.  It's as if I am being cheered up from the sidelines as I give myself time to grieve.

But yes, as I look at the colorful fabrics here I can't help but think of Mama.  Of how she would love the fabrics here; of how there would be no more skype calls to tell her how colorful things are here.

Last week, tears just came when I made a mental note of what to buy from here (if I have the time) for home. I stopped short when it dawned on me that there would be no more buying pasalubongs for Mama.

Indeed they say life goes on and it comes with many surprises.  I am busy now with work and other responsibilities but often, grief also has a funny way of sneaking on you during odd moments.  I am grieving for you,Mama. It is not easy and yet somehow I feel your presence and how you're making certain that life goes on for me.  Even in death you are making your love felt.  May you rest in peace and find happiness where you are now, in God's loving embrace. 

Like Easing into a New Pair of Shoes

I’m in a new role (workwise) and quite frankly, I’ve had had bouts of self-doubt – Can I do this?  Can I do justice to this role? Am I ready to take this on? What about the role requirement that takes me out of my comfort zone – reaching out to others… Having to voice my opinions. 

I do voice my opinion, especially on things I feel so strongly about.  It’s having this feeling that I have to say my piece on everything we need to review and comment on that is something that makes me a bit uncomfortable.  I am always the type who chooses one’s battles.  If I see it as something that does not need underlining anyway then I just let the others do the talking.  There is always that someone in the room who loves to talk and comment and point out faults and what-not’s.  That’s not me.  Of late though, I feel pressured (perhaps just self-imposed?) to say something each and every time. 

Now that I think about it, perhaps, I am more of “hmm-there-is-something-wrong-how-can-I-help-change-that” or “what-can-I-do” type of person.  I prefer to just delve right in and see what I can help with to assuage the situation.  Looking back, I’ve always been that one who immediately rolls up one’s sleeves and go right into work.  I’m not saying there is something wrong with the person who loves to talk and discuss issues out in the open.  To me, each of us has a role to fill in, in this big drama called “Life.”  And ever since I’ve “adulted,” I’ve grown more tolerant of others and more cognizant of each of our “gift” into the world.

Imagine having a team composed of people who are exactly alike.  Like me, for instance who prefer to just sit back and let the more agitated ones do the talking.  Then we would all sit on an issue and trust the universe will do its bit to make it better.  Or, to slowly go our own way doing every bit we can and ending up duplicating our efforts.  The value of having someone who speaks out loud and agitate is that it forces people to discuss. This leads to being able to openly identify course of actions. Although yes, often, all this “agitation” can lead to hurt feelings (ego is more like it) and conflict, etc. etc.

So anyway, as I’m saying, I’m in this new role and is having these episodes of self-imposed pressure. It’s pretty much like being friends for a long time and then deciding to become boyfriend-girlfriend.  There was no pressure being friends. You get along just fine and actually enjoy each other’s company. It’s when you take a step further when everything goes awry. 

One begins to think, “Now what? As my boyfriend, he should be more this, more that…. Do this, do that… Be this, be that… to me as his girlfriend.”  When one becomes the girlfriend, the once spontaneous getting together becomes more strained.  “What should I wear? How should I greet him when I see him? How should I be around him?” These things we never even bother about in the past but just because of this new “role,” we have certain expectations and begin to have certain uncertainties.

I feel I’m in the same predicament as of the moment. The previous role, I can do even with my eyes closed.  Everyone knows it too.  In this new role though, I have certain assumptions as to how I should act and be.  And it is not easy.  I have to remind myself several times that those in the team with me are so busy (just as I am) that they do not have time to think about my self-thought inadequacies. I have to remind myself that we are not in competition with each other because each of us has our own niche. I have to remind myself that perhaps, for all I know, they could be rooting for me to succeed in my role. 

I’m on my first deployment now in my new role. And I’m doing just fine.  Grateful for that.  It’s doing something that I know so well again.  

I am now allowing myself to breathe, hoping that everything would be just fine.I know I’ll find my stride yet again in this new role. So help me, God. 

Orbital Blog 2019

It’s a rainy day and right then and there my plans for a birthday run flew out the window.  And there are indeed conflicting plans for today.  So much to do with so little time left.  I wanted to go to Mass but I wanted to have the children with me as well. Yet, at the same time, I was told that the Sto. Nino of Cebu is in Davao right now.  So timely.  Only, Sto. Nino would only be till noon at the City Cathedral.  Going to Mass with the kids meant waiting for them to finish school and then attending the 5 PM one. 

I wanted to have my hair done as well before I travel tomorrow but then that would mean sitting there for the whole 6 hours while my hair gets shampooed, straightened and what-nots.  And frankly, I’ve never been fond of the thought of spending such precious time just for vanity’s sake.  But then again, another part of me is saying I spend so much time attending to other things, 6 hours on “me” is well-deserved.   

Oh well, choices, choices.  I guess today’s whirlwind thoughts and being confronted with competing priorities is a perfect analogy of how my life is. Ain’t it the same for everyone else? What I meant though is that there are choices that would seem trivial (e.g. having the hair done) but is also telling of where I rank myself/ caring for “me” in my order of priorities.

I remember how of late, I’ve been having these epic battles with Rod for being disrespectful (teenage angst – always angry at everything) and equating that with him not valuing me at all. I would think (and sometimes even say it outright) of all the sacrifices I have to make; and of how I always think of his (their) needs first before my own. In my mind, for all of that, I don’t deserve to be “answered back” in any way (whether with a raised tone or with disrespectful words).  And yet, haven’t I experienced the same angst as a teenager?  Perhaps a little less frequent than what Rod (and sometimes even Forest) does, there were also moments when I was so frustrated at being so misunderstood that I would answer back to Mama and even to Papa before. And these conflicts really stem from me feeling that they do not value me at all when they should!

Ah.  I haven’t done this bit of self-reflection for a while, have I? And now, sitting here while I do just that I am reminded by how valuable it is and how it had always been the source of my “calm.”  Nothing ever fazes me in the past.  Frequent self-reflection always brings me to a certain understanding of myself, of others (that I may be in conflict with) and brings me back to the premise that indeed, “all is well.”  I would pick up the lesson, lodge it in my heart and move on.

Of late though, I’ve been more of a “war-freak” than my usual calm. I guess, having had to deal with so much the past year, losing Mama, being sick and having no time at all to just be still, to think and process everything, I was such an emotional wreck.  My excuse had been, “there’s so much to do!” So much tidying up, picking up after the kids (including the eldest), work deliverables and other commitments.  And, I guess, my body is also just recovering and wanting to just rest.

Now, I’m again on the verge of another journey.  Another work commitment that would take me away from family. I knew very early on how this is also a calling for me. And I also feel that God re-affirms this with me every chance there is. It could be in a form of the Homily being said or the Communion song or a message I’ve read here and there.  And the message has always been constant.  That I should not be afraid for I am never alone. In fact, His promise is that He is going before me always. 

Leaving the kids, especially Forest is always heart breaking for me. Flights that take me away is always a painful experience – physically and figuratively.  It would start with being breathless, tightened chest and a sense of being overwhelmed.  But true enough, once I get started at work, I would know with certainty that I was also meant to be where I should be.

Father God, You have gifted me with such a wonderful life. You know very well what my struggles are atthe moment. While I don’t have that full confidence in me, I have in You. I know You have planted me where I should be. I’m praying I will be able to give the best of me wherever I may be and in whatever role I find myself in.  Thank you for the many favours you’ve given me all throughout this journey. My heart overflows with gratitude.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For Rod

https://herviewfromhome.com/dear-son-when-you-no-longer-want-kisses-from-mama/

Dear Rod,

That day has come, hasn't it? But yes, you came when Nanay was less tired, with much more energy, with a little less responsibility... so I was able to write. Write tons of my moments with you.

I remember to be in a middle of writing a proposal and a thought of a shared earlier moment with you would crop up. I remember looking at my watch noting how I've worked solid hours enough. I'd tell myself, I'm due for a creative break and so I would write, document that very moment with you.

I remember writing with my head inclined to one side as I try to remember every nuance, every detail coz I want to preserve them for this very moment we have now, when our relationship would begin to change.

I used to be your hero, now more like the antagonist as I nag you endlessly about responsibilities and should's. Motherhood is a tough job, my love. There's always that careful balancing between simply being the soft, lenient, "loving," "always yes" Mom and then being firm about non-negotiables. Coz you see, I also have to make sure you are healthy, have enough sleep and is always choosing to be kind.

I still love you to bits, Rod even though our battles are quite epic these days. I know, as your Lola used to tell me when I was also in my teens... "You would understand one day when you're finally the parent why I have to be tough on you today. You would understand someday." And understood I did.

From This Day On