Orbital Blog 2019

It’s a rainy day and right then and there my plans for a birthday run flew out the window.  And there are indeed conflicting plans for today.  So much to do with so little time left.  I wanted to go to Mass but I wanted to have the children with me as well. Yet, at the same time, I was told that the Sto. Nino of Cebu is in Davao right now.  So timely.  Only, Sto. Nino would only be till noon at the City Cathedral.  Going to Mass with the kids meant waiting for them to finish school and then attending the 5 PM one. 

I wanted to have my hair done as well before I travel tomorrow but then that would mean sitting there for the whole 6 hours while my hair gets shampooed, straightened and what-nots.  And frankly, I’ve never been fond of the thought of spending such precious time just for vanity’s sake.  But then again, another part of me is saying I spend so much time attending to other things, 6 hours on “me” is well-deserved.   

Oh well, choices, choices.  I guess today’s whirlwind thoughts and being confronted with competing priorities is a perfect analogy of how my life is. Ain’t it the same for everyone else? What I meant though is that there are choices that would seem trivial (e.g. having the hair done) but is also telling of where I rank myself/ caring for “me” in my order of priorities.

I remember how of late, I’ve been having these epic battles with Rod for being disrespectful (teenage angst – always angry at everything) and equating that with him not valuing me at all. I would think (and sometimes even say it outright) of all the sacrifices I have to make; and of how I always think of his (their) needs first before my own. In my mind, for all of that, I don’t deserve to be “answered back” in any way (whether with a raised tone or with disrespectful words).  And yet, haven’t I experienced the same angst as a teenager?  Perhaps a little less frequent than what Rod (and sometimes even Forest) does, there were also moments when I was so frustrated at being so misunderstood that I would answer back to Mama and even to Papa before. And these conflicts really stem from me feeling that they do not value me at all when they should!

Ah.  I haven’t done this bit of self-reflection for a while, have I? And now, sitting here while I do just that I am reminded by how valuable it is and how it had always been the source of my “calm.”  Nothing ever fazes me in the past.  Frequent self-reflection always brings me to a certain understanding of myself, of others (that I may be in conflict with) and brings me back to the premise that indeed, “all is well.”  I would pick up the lesson, lodge it in my heart and move on.

Of late though, I’ve been more of a “war-freak” than my usual calm. I guess, having had to deal with so much the past year, losing Mama, being sick and having no time at all to just be still, to think and process everything, I was such an emotional wreck.  My excuse had been, “there’s so much to do!” So much tidying up, picking up after the kids (including the eldest), work deliverables and other commitments.  And, I guess, my body is also just recovering and wanting to just rest.

Now, I’m again on the verge of another journey.  Another work commitment that would take me away from family. I knew very early on how this is also a calling for me. And I also feel that God re-affirms this with me every chance there is. It could be in a form of the Homily being said or the Communion song or a message I’ve read here and there.  And the message has always been constant.  That I should not be afraid for I am never alone. In fact, His promise is that He is going before me always. 

Leaving the kids, especially Forest is always heart breaking for me. Flights that take me away is always a painful experience – physically and figuratively.  It would start with being breathless, tightened chest and a sense of being overwhelmed.  But true enough, once I get started at work, I would know with certainty that I was also meant to be where I should be.

Father God, You have gifted me with such a wonderful life. You know very well what my struggles are atthe moment. While I don’t have that full confidence in me, I have in You. I know You have planted me where I should be. I’m praying I will be able to give the best of me wherever I may be and in whatever role I find myself in.  Thank you for the many favours you’ve given me all throughout this journey. My heart overflows with gratitude.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.