Mt. Apo Baby!

Blissful Morning. See that grin on his face? It's a pretty "permanent" feature on him. He seems to be smiling most of the time which makes me truly grateful. Thank you Father God for giving me such a hassle-free, happy baby :)


Close Up Shot at that Smile! :)


Peak Baby! This shot reminds me so much of that "circle of life" scene in "Lion King"



Cute. Ahh... this picture has everything that I love in life - the sky, the mountains, the mountain breeze (if breeze could indeed be captured in photo hehe), and my two great loves :)


Yeah right! I wish I could say these pictures were indeed taken at Mt. Apo :p hehehe Given my current...err..."change of status," well, I think going on a climb is quite impractical these days. These days, I couldn't decide on things just like that. These days, I couldn't just flit off as I please. Make that "we" since B is definitely as "grounded" as I am too. Actually, I feel thankful at the moment that he did not push the idea of him climbing with our friends and leaving me at home to keep watch on Baby. It felt good that he saw it fit to sit there with me while I daydream about standing on Mt. Apo's peak and doing my Lenten reflection there. I'm sure he had his share of daydreaming too.

But I think it helped that we had a chance to go on a "brief" travel over at Buda. The office had our "Recollection" on Holy Monday till Tuesday. Some brought along their kids. Since I am breastfeeding, it followed that Baby will have to come along too. And B of course had to be there too. That way he could keep watch on Baby while I attend the sessions.

At first I have doubts about bringing Baby along. It is after all, going to be his first "long-distance" travel. And it's a landtrip yet. I had to consult his Pedia about it. When it turned out to be okay, I felt relieved and gone on with the preparation for the trip. Seagull in the Valley (were we went) is a pretty cold place at 4,000++ feet. It would be like being at the base of Mt. Apo. B and I had to make sure that we had everything we need to make baby comfy for the trip and back and of course to see to it that he gets proper insulation for the cold. Actually, it pretty much felt like we were also preparing for a climbing trip. It felt really good to be digging out all our climbing gears and preparing Baby's own "climbing" apparel along with ours hehehe He even have his own Nike shoes to boot :) He has his own set of bonnets too and jackets (I brought three to make it sure) and rain gear hehehe For "pa-porma" effect, he has his own cardigan jacket, thanks to Ate who brought it along from UK. It was really fun.


Sleeping Baby. See how "insulated" Baby is? hehehe I hardly slept the whole night. Apart from shivering in the cold, I kept on checking Baby to make sure he is not feeling as cold as I am :) and that he's truly comfortable.

Well, the entire trip was fun. It has it's moments where Bolo and I had a tiff when the session we had took longer than it should and that left Baby quite hungry :( But all-in-all it was truly fun. It helped that Baby proved to be such a good soul. He was never squirmy during the entire trip except that one moment when he was hungry. He just sat there, being playful with us or in silence. At most times he just slept... Ah, I foresee that there would be more travelling up ahead. I am very much looking forward to it. Now that Baby proved to be such a hassle-free kid, there wouldn't be much trouble then. Oh, but of course, his comfort and well-being would still be very much on top of the list for things to be considered before I make any plans about travelling. So I guess, "adventure trips" would have to wait a while huh? hehehe Let's see ... :)

Chicken Joy

Arrgh… I’m presently tearing at my hair. Well, figuratively that is. Someone selling “health” magazines just came in here at the office. Without my knowing it (as I was busy making a report at my cubicle), my officemates pointed him to my direction – There’s that vegetarian girl over at that booth. But being “short-of-cash” these days, I had to turn my back at a magazine I liked. It was quite expensive and the seller won’t give me a discount. I’ll be traveling again tomorrow and I need to have enough money with me to make me feel secure.

A few years back, a similar thing had happened and I had bought a magazine from the seller then. It was the same one I’ve been wanting to buy ever since I saw it lying at the BK House’s coffee table. It talked of the benefits of the vegetarian diet and featured some recipes. Hmm… now I’m wondering where that magazine is now. I haven’t seen it lying around in ages. Anyway, I truly found the magazine helpful and for a while I’ve been tossing it at relatives who had been teasing me about going vegetarian. That was then. At this time, they have totally accepted my choice – make that “our” choice, now with B in the picture. Now, every family get-togethers feature meat and vegetarian dishes to satisfy everyone. Lately, cousins had been asking too whether Baby would also be a vegetarian. At our nod of assent, they would immediately throw baby a pitiful look and say: “Kawawa naman (How pitiful). He would grow up not enjoying ‘Chicken Joy’ then.” I would always quip, “Well, he could always have the french fries and sundaes.”

But I do get my family’s point. In truth really, I’ll be playing it by ear. Of course I wouldn’t force a two or three-year-old toddler to throw away a full-of-grease-leg-of-a-chicken (I’m really just teasing you meat-eater friends hehehe) should he wants to take a bite at it. By then, Baby Bullets would have his preferences and I’m not so sure if I could deprive him in that sense. Deep inside though, I want him to grow up vegetarian. I have friends who were vegetarian since birth since they belong to a family of one. But in my family with extended lola’s and tita’s and tito’s who loves food so much, I guess that would be close to impossible. I would have to find a perfect balance wherein I could impress upon Baby the value of the “discipline” and at the same time not have him feeling so deprived he’ll grow up to be a Klepto-maniac hehehe I couldn’t have him wondering why his cousins can gobble up a piece of meat but he couldn’t. And there will come a time that he’ll be going to school too. He’ll have classmates then who wouldn’t be vegetarians and we couldn’t be with him 24/7.

I’m remembering a scene at lunch earlier. My cute niece Janine offered me chicken. She practically grew up with me and so is used to eating vegetables too. She’s the only two year old I know who enjoys eating her vegetables. But being a kid, she likes to eat meat too and practically devours lechon when there is one. When I lightly refused her offer she turned to me and said, “Masarap man ang chicken tita.”which made me laugh. I am wondering if there would come a time when Baby would be delivering the same line to me. I am looking forward to that day.

I’ll be crossing the bridge when I finally get there. When it comes to feeding Baby with meat or not, I’ll think about it when the situation finally confronts me. I’m thinking now, he could eat meat if he wants to but for sure, I’d still be serving vegetables in our own household. Should he ask me to cook him a chicken dish, I’d probably just buy one outside hehehe. Most likely it would be Jollibee since it is “Halal” certified :)

Christening

Bb: Huh! Why are there so many people here?


Bb: Pano ko kaya i-shoot tong kamay ko sa bibig ko? Anlayo naman....


Bb: Nay, bored na ako... hahay...


Bb: Ayan, malapit nang matapos! Yehey!


Mga Ninong, Ninangs


April 2, 2006
1:00 A.M.
Our Room
Rewritten from a piece of tissue

A few hours from now and my son will be “Christened.” I prefer to use that term than “baptism.” To me, the former puts everything in the right perspective. It highlights the center and the whole reason for going through the ceremony.

Earlier, I’ve said my prayers. I was in the middle of it when I felt the urge to write. I prayed for my son’s spirituality. Even before the “ceremony,” I’ve already lifted up to God my son’s life particularly his spiritual life.

I am a Catholic. I came from a family of devout Catholics and so it follows that I “should” be baptized a Catholic too. I was only a babe then. It was hardly my personal choice. My parents just passed on to me what was passed on to them by their parents. Now, I am about to do the same thing for my son.

I know that like me, my son will experience God in more ways than just in the confines of the Catholic tradition. In my case, I grew to love Him more in my personal pursuits. As I “struggled” towards my own becoming, I sensed a loving God helping me along the way. I want the same thing for my son.

Journal Entry: Fine Dining

March 31, 2006
Friday
My Desk

Haay… Now I have come to terms with the fact that dining out would never be the same. Well, at least for a little while that is, while baby is still a “minute” human being. Hmm… come to think of it, I guess it will not be the same for a long, long time hehehe Even if baby would have gain a few more in terms of height, it will still take years for him to learn enough “social graces” for Bolo and I to enjoy a relatively decent meal hehehe I’m not whining though. In fact I’m looking forward to experiencing him in that sense.

Last Monday, some close friends, Candy, Dane and I dined at the Marco Polo. I wish I could just let it on here that dining at the Marco Polo is an everyday occurrence hehehe. But it would not have been the choice had it not been for some certificate Candy had. We still ended up paying quite a hefty sum though that Dane vowed we would not dine again at the Marco until our kids are old enough to graduate in college hahaha!

It was supposed to be just a “girls-night-out” event. We had been looking forward to a session of whining about the husbands and talking behind their back hehehe but circumstances conspired and we ended up having Bong and Bolo (Archie could not make it) along. A part of me appreciated the change of plans because it meant Bolo and I can bring along baby and I wouldn’t have to worry about leaving him hungry or hurrying home.

At around 5 o’clock, B and baby already showed up in the office so I could still feed him. That would buy for us a few hours till he goes hungry again. It could mean we would have been through with dinner before I have to feed him again. At around 7, we were already at Dane’s office. We agreed to wait for Candy there. For some reason, Baby got into a tantrum. He was really having the fits, which was totally unlike him. His cry would switch from one who is totally irritated to being pained the next. He’s normally a happy kid. In fact, we could count on him to just play by himself when we had to do other things. He’s only irritable when he’s really sleepy but even then his “antics” while at the bank tops his previous “routines.” After a while he settled down and slept.

We had just seated ourselves on our table at Café Marco when Baby woke up and beamed at me. As it was impossible to eat properly while watching him, Bolo and I took turns in holding him, getting our food, and eating. Since I was totally preoccupied with Baby, I never had the chance to really participate in the conversation. We did some catching up though, mostly about Candy who have just transferred into a new house. After that, the conversation turned general. We talked about other classmates. Ah, and we spent the rest of the evening conferring on how to divide the bill among ourselves hahaha It was really fun, something I have expected with Dane and Candy around. They’re two of the most fun personalities in our class. They’re so matter-of-fact that often their comments on things would leave anyone amused. They’re what one would consider “gay” ladies, or “bading” in colloquial terms hehehe. Luv you guys :)

All in all it was a fun night. I was real happy to experience it with B and Baby. The fact that Baby had gone “fine dining” while he is still four months old really appealed to me hehe. Notwithstanding I had to hurriedly look for a corner in which to “feed” him. We both ended up at the “veranda-cum-mini-park” attached to the dining hall. It was the designated “smoking area” and I had to literally “sniff” around just to make sure it does not reek of nicotine. Happily, it did not as it was an open area. Luckily it was pretty dimmed there and nobody was around. I sat on the lone bench there and Baby settled quite happily to have his fill.

Baby must have had more than enough milk since by the time I continued eating and had my dessert – he was already making faces. He was smiling and frowning all at the same time. We could all guess what he’s at and Bong was laughing out loud. I thought nothing of it since it wasn’t his “schedule” to go at that time. Since he turned two months, he had never missed a schedule. Always, it is in the morning, just after he wakes up. Sometimes he would miss a day but every time he does go, it is always in the morning. Always. So I really had no idea why of all places and of all the time there is, he “went” then. B and I ignored it a bit. We were both in denial. When it started to “smell” there was no more denying the situation hehe. Luckily he’s breastfed otherwise it would have really smelt bad. Compared to formula-fed babies, breastfed babies’ poop doesn’t smell half as bad.

I brought Baby to the ladies’ restroom. Since it was virtually impossible to clean him up all by myself, I had to call Bolo for back-up. We argued a bit before he agreed to enter the restroom with me. I told him it was a pretty big place and there was no one there. I had to convince him that anyone who would enter would understand considering the situation and that he could always excuse himself. The funny thing was Baby had been smiling all the time. He was even giggling as if totally amused with the whole situation. It pretty felt like he was enjoying himself while we fussed over him. He really looked so cute and adorable then that I regretted not having a camera with me.

That was how it was, our first dinner out with Baby in tow. It wasn’t so bad. In fact, I totally enjoyed myself. I’m looking forward to doing more of the same. It just dawned on me, everything that I’ll be doing now would really be different with Baby around. Before it used to be just me or just Bolo and I. Now, we have Baby to make things thrice the fun. Welcome to the team, Baby “Bolets.” Your Tatay and I promise you a whole world of fun and adventure :).

Journal Entry: Going Blind and Shouting

March 26, 2006
Living Room

While watching television earlier, we came across a trailer of some telenovela. It is a lovestory between a blind guy and a girl. Apparently, they sort of drifted from each other and then meet each other again when the guy is no longer blind. From the looks of it, the girl readily recognized the guy (of course!). The guy however showed no inkling at all that he knows the girl. B turned to me and said the guy should have recognized the girl through her voice. After all it is the voice of the person that he loves. I replied that being able to see finally probably overwhelmed the guy. If before, when he is still blind, he is sensitive about a lot of things and the different nuances of his significant other, all of that fades away as he focuses on his newly acquired sight. (Hehehe always the logical Rodilyn talking huh? Hehehe)

B shook his head, turned to me, covered his eyes and said he would recognize me even from a mile away should he go blind. I smiled sheepishly about to be flattered when he added that it’s because I have a very distinctive “shout.” That had me laugh out loud.

Indeed, we do get into a “shouting-match” sometimes when we’re arguing. This somewhat “unsettled” me, at first. The fact that our argument could come to that does not sit well with me. Then I realized that it is normal in every relationship. It dawned on me that the “shouting” part is largely due to the fact that we are “comfortable” with each other. To allow ourselves to be that “raw” in front of the other imply how secure we feel in our relationship.

I’ve written about this before and I’m reiterating it here again – ours is not a “pa-cute” relationship. What we have is a relationship that’s straightforward. Both of us wear our emotions on our sleeves, transparent enough for the other to see and feel. Disappointments are readily expressed. In the same way, “I love you’s” and words of appreciation are also expressed off-handedly. B, looking my way - or me, looking his way - with a sheepish expression on his/my face and mouthing "lab u B" is something that is experienced often enough... I am not in no way wishing that the shouting will continue or occur often but I'd rather have that anytime than me having to nurse my hurts in silence and have my soul slowly shrivel and die.

The Everest Dream

Had quite a long day yesterday and a lot had happened that's really worth writing about. So many thoughts in my head, all compartmentalized hehehe B and I had some interesting interactions over the weekend that I want to reflect on and write about. And last night, we had dinner at the Marco Polo with some close friends and my hubby and baby. I wanted to write about that too. But at the moment, I'm chatting with an old friend from the "mountaineering" aspect of my life. We are talking about another friend who's very dear to us -- Pastor.

Last night, when I saw the Correspondents featuring Pastor and Leo on their preparation for their "Everest Quest," I had some mixed feelings. Chatting with my friend now again brought the feelings to the surface.

I feel both happy and sad for Pastor. Happy since it's every mountaineer's dream to climb Mt. Everest and as he said last night in the interview, Mt. Everest just happened to him. He did not seek it out, it sought him...

When I saw Pastor cried last night in the interview, I cried too. I cry because I could imagine how he must be feeling being away from his family and all. I'm sure - just as all of us over here is thinking - the "unsureness" of their quest is very much on his mind. Conquering Everest is a no joke. I'm sure he is very much aware that it could cost him his life.

And it could pretty well cost him his life. When he cried, I knew he was thinking of his family, of his little boys. I know how he's feeling now that I have a little boy myself. His second son is mine and Bolo's "inaanak." The last time we saw Pastor was a few months before our wedding. He was on his way back to Manila then for his further training. And he had expressed his regret that he won't be able to attend it.

During his son's Christening, he had been teasing Bolo and I then. He knew us from the past, separately. Pastor had even met a previous boyfriend and he was a close friend to a... well... previous "suitor" too. He had often teased me to this friend of his.

When Bolo had started courting me, Bolo told me Pastor had been somewhat encouraging although he knew I was still in a relationship then. When Bolo and I finally became an item, he had told me of his "approval" of Bolo. He told me Bolo is "kind" and that I could count on him. He was right.

Ah, seeing Pastor cry really shook me. I feel for him and I feel for Anne too. I could only imagine how Anne is feeling at the moment. I feel a bit of "anger" for the situation that forced them to hasten their assault of the mountain. They are not supposed to take on Everest till next year. That would have given them ample time for further preparation. And then now, they would have to hasten due to... ah... I don't want to delve into the whole controversy. I don't have all the facts either so it's hard to come up with my own opinion on the whole thing. But I sure am feeling emotional over Pastor being cheated of those few months of preparation. And I feel that they ought to climb without some undue pressure. For God's sake, it's their life that's at stake there and they're leaving behind families and friends here. Pastor has a wife and two sons for Christ's sake. Two little boys who are growing up without much of the presence of their father because he had to be on training for this thing.

Even I am emotional as most of our friends are. How much more so, Ann who is his wife? I know she's dealing with the uncertainty of the situation as well. I feel for her as a wife and as a mother, being one myself. And I want to reach out to her to tell her that we are supporting her somewhat and that we're praying for Pastor and their family.

Dear, funny, always smiling, jolly, good dancer, life-of-the-party, good-friend-to-everyone, Pastor... you are terribly missed over here. Miss seeing you during kayak competitions, local adventure races and outdoor activities here. I would rather have you as an opponent again and end up losing than not seeing you here with us. Bolo and I are and will be praying for your success and safety. You are right, Everest is a "destiny." It's all up to the mountain should she yield to you or not. But you have such a good heart. You have such a good soul. You're a very good person. I'm sure she'll know that when you're finally in her midst. She'll feel your kindness and will return the favor. God Bless friend, can't wait to see you home."

For Reflection

Either way, we want to just make the most of this thing...to suck the marrow out the bones of life, to live deeply and without reservation, hesitation or fear. To breathe deep the air of spring and the breath of God, to savor the depths of flavors and the best of God's good earth and to "taste and see" the goodness of God, to hold the things that matter close to the heart, to treasure the hard parts of loving and frolic like a 4-year old in a mud puddle in the good, easy parts.

Don't waste this thing.

It's too good.

Above is a part of an article from the "Daily Devotionals" I subscribe to. I read this particular devotional months ago. The message above really struck me the first time I read it. So much so that I "clipped" it and saved it under the filename, "For Reflection." I had intended to reflect on the subject but have been pressed for time to accomplish other tasks. It wasn't only a while back while cleaning up my hard drive of unwanted files had I came across it again. And once again the message struck me.

Getting married and having a child changed my life drastically. I would admit that there are times when I would daydream about my carefree days when I would think of nothing but myself. But the moment would pass quickly. If only for the mere fact that I don't have the luxury of the time to even think about daydreaming :)

Lately, life had taken on the shape of meeting and fulfilling responsibilies. I rarely have time for myself. Clicking away here, being absorbed on my thoughts is the closest I could get to having some time for "me." And I'm grateful that I still am able to afford myself this.

My proverbial motto had always been, "Carpe Diem!" Which I later elevated to, "Seize the moment!" After all, a "day" is far too long compared to a "moment." That is why over the years I saw myself pursuing all sorts of things -- from travels to races to sport involvements. I filled my days with various activities. And always, I had tried to make myself available to every friend in need of my company for whatever reason. I tried to be present to every birthday party, Christening, wedding, all sorts of get-togethers I get invited to. Not just because I want to be there for my friends but because I value my relationships. Love pretty much figure in every relationship I get myself into. That is why I value them so much.

Now, everything is different. I don't even have time for a walk, much less do the nightly runs I used to engage in, in the past. Everything seems to revolve around this tiny, little being that is entrusted in my care. If in the past, all of my energy gets channelled to various other pursuits, now it's just one directional. Ultimately, everything leads to making sure that this tiny, little being's needs and good are achieved. And I'm thinking - this being focused on just one "thing" - is this tantamount to "getting out" of life or not seizing the moment? Does this mean I'm degenerating and not living my life to the full just as I should? I would like to ask, what does make life "fulfilling" then? Getting involved in sports? Going to all those places? Climbing a mountain one day and then bathing in the sea the next?

During lunchbreak today when I got home, I walked in to see my son lying on his back trying to amuse himself. He looked up when he saw me approach and then his whole face lit up. I felt my whole being expand, it was as if all the emotions I hold in my heart overflowed to fill the entire room. Now I'm remembering how I feel pretty much the same way when I see a beautiful sunset or have just finished a satisfying race. At that moment, I felt like I was on top of Apo again seeing how a beautiful sunrise could bathe everything in a soft, golden glow. I always feel love and God's presence during those moments. I would always feel that God indeed is good and that all is well. Seeing my son's beautiful face earlier made me feel that way too.

I am in no way discounting the fact that I could be as active again as I used to be. I still daydream about climbing mountains and participating in runs and going travelling... But for now, I had to settle down a bit so I could be there for my son. Experiencing motherhood, experiencing falling in love everyday and everytime I beheld my son's face, finding myself as I learn to live life while holding someone else's hand are things that are making my life complete at the moment. And no way are they less exciting than conquering a peak or winning a race. I love you B, you and our little one. Thank you for taking on this adventure with me.

Close To You

My head's actually throbbing right now but i'm feeling pretty content. I have just finished with that report I've been slaving over for the past three days. I actually had to wake up at 4 a.m. this morning just so I could get it over and done with. After accomplishing almost 1/3 of the report and feeling confident I could manage to finish the whole thing at the office, I saved the file in a diskette, took advantage of what's left of the dawn and dozed off a bit.

When I arrived at the office this morning, at exactly 5 minutes after I opened my computer, an officemate quite nicely managed to overwrite everything. As in everything. So I had to redo and rewrite everything, reducing my sacrifices this morning to nothing. I was half-tempted to go home and retrieve my file. I considered calling B at home and have him dictate to me the whole thing but that would be like waiting forever till he manage to retrieve it, if ever he would. He totally hates messing with my files. Thankfully, all of that is behind me now. Right now, I'm taking a bit of a breather from technical writing to do this instead...

Hmm... a lot had happened the past weeks but I had never really gotten around to writing about them as I was busy meeting deadlines. For starters, about two weeks ago, B and I finally managed to watch a movie together. That would be like after almost a year of not being able to. The last movie we watched had been, "A Very Long Engagement." It was an interesting movie and we sure had lots of fun watching it. I had no idea that it would also take a "loooong" time before we'd manage to watch one again.

B had been consistent about taking his Saturdays off. That would be his time for himself, to spend as he pleases - be it with friends or taking care of his business in Tagum. My "days off" are supposed to be the whole work week. He encourages me to linger out a bit after office hours so I could have some time for myself. But that would be like impossible since I had to consistently hurry home in order to nurse baby on time. Either that or I'm too beat at the end of work that I'd rather be home resting than elsewhere. So on that particular Tuesday night, I was deadset about watching a movie.

We are not exactly "single" sweethearts anymore so we could not flit and go as we pleased. I had to express some milk to make sure baby won't be left hungry should we not make it in time for his next feeding, etc., etc. We actually had to race for time. With that in mind, it was almost impossible to express enough milk for one feeding. I don't know what it is with ... err... "bossoms" hehehe They simply do not "yield" just when you're in a hurry to express some milk. But when you're in no hurry at all? You'd be surprised at how much you can come up with. Anyway, when I could not come up with a "substantial" amount of milk, B readily declared to cancel the date. That drew dagger-looks from me. I was about to launch into a lengthy dialogue about why it should be easy for him to take a day off and difficult for me (of course it's because I'm breastfeeding!) when he immediately appeased me and said that there will be no cancelling. Thankfully, the "bossoms" finally cooperated and off we went.

We watched, "Close To You," as baduy as that may sound hehehe The other choice would have been, "Brokeback Mountain" but in truth, it was just the break I'm looking for. I wanted something light that we both could relax in. It turned out to be a good choice since it was worth seeing him being giggly while watching some "kilig" scenes. It totally surprised and amused me. All the while I was thinking he would find the whole thing boring. We are after all way past the "courting" age to appreciate such a movie. We also appreciated the "travelling" part of the movie. It reminded us of the good old days. Our relationship, after all, had been built on all those travels we had had.

We made it in time for the "just-before-the-last-full-show" screening which is a good thing since it meant we'll be home early. When we entered the cinema, Bolo teased me. He told me that now that we're already married and are no longer sweethearts, we could sit far apart from each other. I took it to heart. So while we are seated side by side, I shrank to the farthest side of my seat to avoid leaning towards him. Thirty minutes into the picture, he surprised and made me laugh when he turned to me and said, "Hug-hug naman tayo B." That remark sure got the better of me. I almost laughed out loud from sheer mirth.

It's funny really if one considers it. When you're still sweethearts, it would seem that you could not get enough of each other even though you see each other everyday. It would seem that you're always running out of time. Often, this leads to the decision of marriage. You just want to spend most of your days with this significant other. And so you get married. Ironically, when you're finally married, some of that magic seem to die down. Funny.

I'm not saying that Bolo and I changed overnight. Oh we are still "sweet" to each other. We still enjoy intimate conversations with each other. And we still show our care for each other. It's just that the "urgency" we felt before is no longer there. In the past, everytime he would fetch me from the office to accompany me home, we would hate the thought of having to part again later. The thought of always having to part at the end of the day lends some "poignancy" to the relationship. The "could-not-get-enough-of-each-other" urgency is something that was always hanging over our heads. That is why it was understandable also how we would "delight" in the littlest of excuse to be physically in-touched with each other then, like holding hands and all that mushy stuff.

Marriage erases that particular element. Should we want to be physically in touched with each other, we would only have to turn and face the other, stretch out our hand and viola! It's that easy. Everywhere you turn, the other is sure to be there. Still, a part of me wants to argue. I am remembering those moments when B would turn to me in the morning, snuggle to me and say, "Ahh... this is what's good about being married..."

I'm suddenly realizing, I am already married! hehehe Like it has not quite sunk in yet, huh? :) It seems only yesterday when Bolo and I are still sweethearts and delighting in what we're feeling towards each other. Sweet and poignant, fiery and exciting. That was how our relationship as sweethearts had been. Most of the time it was fun and exciting as we share the same passion for travel and adventure. It was also both sweet and poignant because of the "uncertainty" that plagued the beginning of our relationship. For now, some of that has changed a bit. And I'm realisitic enough to know that it'll continue to change years down the line.

Hmm... I'm remembering a particular moment we shared the other night. He asked me to accompany him in washing the dishes. It was almost midnight and he feels insecure about lingering in the kitchen on his own. I was already sleepy so I asked him if it's alright if I lean on him from behind so I could sort of "doze off" while he's washing the dishes. I could have just sat there. But maybe I was making an excuse to be close to him as it had been quite a long day. Each of us were swallowed by our individual concerns that day that we rarely had time for the other. The leaning-hugging-bit was an excuse to "reconnect." I was glad when he obliged me. Half-way through I asked him if he does not think me a bother. He replied not. Then I pointed out this is not a bother yet since we're still "newly" married. I said that years down the line being "so close" would begin to become less exciting. He replied matter of factly that we would have to find ways to make it exciting. He said maybe there would be days when we would "disappear" from each other. I told him that won't be too difficult since both our jobs often take us travelling... Then we just left it at that. We just continued enjoying the moment, quietly "reconnecting," finding each other again after racing about our individual concerns that day.

Our day does not usually end that way -- by "reconnecting." There are also days when it would end with me giving him dagger-looks, as if to say we'll continue arguing in the morning as we are both sleepy already... Or him turning away from me indicating that he'd rather sleep than argue with me, hehehe. But often, Bolo and I still enjoy the same "closeness" that we had as sweethearts. And I'm both thankful and "mindful" of that everyday.

Travelling Mom Leaving Mt. Matutum

I'm feeling really lethargic at the moment. Real sleepy too. Gone on travel again yesterday for work. We left Davao at 11 in the morning and arrived here again last night at 11 in the evening. I was again in Tupi for the project I'm wrapping up there... And we finished quite late so add that to 4 hours travel back home, it's no wonder we got back to the city late as well. And I had to fetch baby and B from the in-laws. That's where they stayed while I was on travel.

We arrived home at around midnight then there's cleaning up the pump and the bottles to do. My...err...breasts... were so swollen on the ride back home that I was not able to sleep while we were travelling. I did manage to express some milk while on the road though (I'm getting good at it hehehe) But it wasn't enough to relieve me of the sworeness. Both weighed so heavily that at one point I had a hard time breathing... Haaay.

Breastfeeding. Well, it really takes commitment to continue breastfeeding after returning to work. But I'm truly deadset about it. I would find myself often rushing back home no matter where on earth I came from, just so I could continue breastfeeding baby. It's not always easy though. But, I want nothing but the best for my son. I guess that's how mothers really are. Been reading up on the subject ever since I conceived and every literature there is only tell me one thing -- there is nothing like Mom's milk. The benefits are enormous and the inconvenience one has to bear is nothing compared to it. So I'm sticking with it as long as I can :)

But back to work... Below is a picture I've taken during the travel I've mentioned above.

Leaving Mt. Matutum. I was about to board our vehicle when this particular view caught my attention and took my breath away.

I'm currently wrapping up a project I have with the upland farmers in Mt. Matutum. Actually, it's already the second phase I'm wrapping up so for like two years, I have been frequenting the slopes of this great mountain. During the first year, there were times when I had to spend days and nights in her midst.

Even before my involvement with the project, I have already been to Matutum for the 7th Mindanao Forum, a mountaineering activity. The activity had us practically trampling all over the foot and midst of Mt. Matutum but did not have the chance to scale her peak. I had thought that with the project, I'd finally have my chance. But then again, while I was there, she was close for a while due to some "insurgency" concerns and then later on I had gotten married and then gotten pregnant. Now, the possibility seems a bit remote. Maybe when baby is a bit older already...

The project had been quite a headache to me for a number of reasons and now that it is about to end I'm like heaving a sigh of relief. What I'm feeling now I could compare to what I usually feel when I'm on a climb, particularly when I'm on the last stretch - that bit when the peak is already close at hand and yet seems so far away because you're down to your last ounce of energy. In truth, I could not wait to end the project. It had caused me several problems. But a part of me is sad about leaving the area and the people there. Well, at least "some" people he-he-he.

Just as I treat every experience, my involvement with the project had been a goldmine of learning for me. And yet I also know that I would always look at the experience as something that had not been entirely pleasant. But it did taught me a great deal about what we do in our work and how we "affect" the people who are supposed to be the "beneficiaries" (the politically correct term should be "partners) of our project. Hmm... make that how these people "affect" us who are implementing projects in their community.

Ahh... I could go on and on about this subject -- the relationship between project partners and implementers but as of the moment, I'm still feeling so raw about the whole thing that I want to rest my mind for a while before I write about it.

Life is beautiful. With it comes beautiful experiences. They might not be often pleasant but these experiences are beautiful just the same. If only for the beautiful people you came to meet in the process...

For now, I'm leaving Mt. Matutum but I'm pretty sure I'll find myself in her midst again one day. Perhaps with my little one in tow...

Fireworks

March 11, 2006
12:55 AM
Our Room

Bolo just drove away and I’m left with Baby here who also seems to miss his Tatay since he’s having a hard time settling down. B lingered quite a bit when he passed right in front of the terrace, rolled his window down and repeatedly waved goodbye at baby. Baby had woken up and so I carried him with me to wave his tatay off. I could sense B’s hesitation. He had already expressed his misgivings at having to leave again instead of just going to sleep with us. But he still has lots of things to do.

There’s an ongoing “Outdoor Week” in the city and tomorrow (make that today considering the time), being a weekend, is going to be its culmination. There are lots of activities going on. For starters, there’s going to be an early kayak race a few hours from now and I heard from Bolo that they had quite a show last night involving some stunts with the crocodiles. (The venue for the activity is centered at the city’s Crocodile Park.)

I feel quite rueful at having to miss all of it. B had been encouraging when I expressed the desire to tag along but I have reports to finish in time for an early travel on Monday. Plus, Ate, my dear cousin-cum-sister-I-never-had and the kids are arriving this afternoon after having been gone for two years. They’ll be staying for a little less than two months before going back to UK. As it is, there are still lots of cleaning up to do around the house as the bedrooms are not even made up yet. B however cheered me up a bit when he mentioned catching up on the outdoor week activities later tonight. He told me I could bring the kids along. That would really be something to look forward to.

After dinner earlier, I watched Pinoy Big Brother to while the time away while I waited for B to come home. One of the housemates – Bea – turned out to be celebrating her birthday today. And as a surprise, her boyfriend decided to set up some fireworks outside of the Big Brother House. The fireworks went with a little sign that says, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE.” The whole scene had melted my heart right through. I was like saying to myself, “Aw… so sweet… I wish something like that would be done for me too…” And then it dawned on me, those little gestures that Bolo does for me untiringly are his fireworks for me. Every time he brings me milk in the morning, sees to it I eat my breakfast and have enough “baon” for lunch... All of these things are Bolo’s way of setting up his fireworks for me… Thank you B.

"Fotherhood"

I had to go home in a hurry this morning since B informed me that the milk I’ve left for baby seemed to be sour already. It was expressed last Friday while I was on travel. Since I was home from Saturday to Monday, I was able to nurse baby by myself so we just stored the expressed milk for today. Expressed milk is supposed to last up to 7 days when refrigerated. Obviously, something must have gone wrong – contaminated bottles (which was likely since I did express the milk while I was on travel and not at home where I get the bottle straight from the sterilizer), not storing it well (I had kept the milk in a cooler while I was on the road which could have not been enough considering it took me almost 4 hours to get home), etc.

Anyway, when I got home this morning, I immediately fed baby. My Mom who happens to be there reproached me for getting the baby hungry by my insistence to feed him purely on breast milk. The discussion leaned towards our having to resort to mix feeding. For a while, I relented. So B and I both figured out the directions indicated at the back of the milk’s tin can. We bought a can of formula a week before I was due to return to work, in-case we might have to resort to mix feeding. Thank God we haven’t resorted to that yet! Perhaps for now :( Heaven forbid!

Being pesco-vegetarian ourselves, we opted to have a soya-based formula for baby. This, with the assurance from our pediatrician that it could meet baby’s nutritional needs as cow’s milk formula can. It was a little tricky trying to figure out the directions at the back of the tin. Instead of the usual 1:1 ratio (read: 1 scoop of milk for every 1 oz. of water), it said something like 1 scoop for every 60 ml of water. We understood that fine. The confusion came when we checked the chart for how much to feed baby vis-à-vis his current month-age. The chart jumped from 2 months to 4 months. That left us somewhat clueless as to how much to feed a 3-month old baby. We figured maybe somewhere in-between. Since we’re talking about our baby’s well-being here, we felt quite uncomfortable having to leave everything to guess work. So we opted to ask some close friends whom we know are bottle-feeding their babies. Bolo called up Vince, a close friend of his who also just recently became a father. The whole time they were talking, I was laughing silently. I really found the whole thing amusing. Well, it’s funny, here are two men who are supposed to be “macho” (read: very much into sports and outdoor activities and well, a “little” into womanizing in their “younger” days) swapping information on the basics of bottle-feeding he-he-he cute! :)

The fact that Bolo is very much hands-on when it comes of taking care of our baby is something that I’m truly grateful about. I thank God everyday for that. The fact alone that he obviously dotes on our baby is enough to make me happy but to see that he really takes an active part in taking care of him tops it all for me. Thank you B, for being such a good “fother” to our son.

On...err... Working

Taking a break from work. I've been staring on a project document for the longest time not quite knowing what to do with it. I'm supposed to edit it, check if it fits the TOR given to us by our client. This is just one of the things that needed to be done before I leave for Tupi, South Cotabato this friday. It's my first travel venture for months as I have not been travelling ever since I got advice from my OB not to.

I'm supposed to leave today but our project resource person could not make it since he's still in Oroquieta in Misamis Occidental. That would be like 15 hours or so of travel-time from here by land. I should know since that the last travel I did before I got "grounded." I see the delay as a good thing since there are still a lot of things that needed to be done for our on-site project activity.

Working. I really have a hard time working again. I have difficulty in "getting my grove back." And it's not helping at all to have baby smiling at me and then giving me that hopeful look everytime I get ready to leave for work every morning. Most of the time he's into a playful mood and it's almost a physical ache having to turn my back on him.

But I had to work. That person who thinks that her work help defines who she is, is still lurking around here somewhere. The same person who could not quite sit still until her deadlines are met and the outputs are satisfactorily given. I know I wouldn't also be at peace sitting at home knowing there are still a lot of things that had to be settled at work. As it is, I have to wrap up this project that is so long overdue already. And with that, I'd better get back to work.

To Love and To Hold

He looked at me and said he pitied me, thinking how I just sat there for several hours waiting till he got back from Mintal. He said because of him I had to endure all of it. He said it was his problem and yet there I was being dragged along in the process. Without waiting for me to say anything he concluded his soliloquy by looking at me absent-mindedly (but with obvious gratitude) and muttered, “Asawa nga kita. (You are my wife indeed) I have chosen well.”

His mother died last night. And it was only this morning that he knew. I had been at the office. I left my cell phone at home and so I texted him via chikka. I told him to check my phone for important messages and that I would be going home shortly in time to nurse baby. He replied that I would have to get home early since his “real” mom died and that he’s going to where she is. I read the message thrice, still its meaning hardly registered. My mind seemed to have remained blank. It could hardly absorb what the message meant. Then as if cold water was being poured over me, I hastily made arrangements to leave. I asked permission for an emergency leave, shut down my computer and left the office. I was intent on getting as fast as I can to B’s side. I know how he’s feeling and I wanted to be there while his going through all of it.

Wife. It wasn’t my being his wife that urged me to be by his side. I did not see it in the light that I had to be with him because it is my obligation as his wife. I wanted to be there, wanted to hold his hand while he goes through this sad experience because I love him, because I feel for him, because I want him to feel that he is not alone in his grief.

When I walked inside our room, I immediately noticed his reddened eyes though he was already playing with baby by then. Tears came readily to me. Before I knew it, I was already crying along with him. At one point I was wishing I could take his grief as my own.

His is a complicated family set-up. I am remembering now how that’s the very thing that brought us together. When I met Bolo I immediately sensed a sad, in-need-of-love kid underneath his jovial exterior. Anyone looking at him would readily wish he has Bolo’s carefree attitude. He’s so full of fun and life. And yet, when I looked at him for the first time, I felt different. I felt as if I wanted to hold him, hug him. I sensed a certain sadness around him that tugs at my heartstrings.

I’m remembering that one time while Melai and I had been in the Ateneo chapel to attend our usual afternoon Mass. She was giving me advice as to really think about being close to B. She pointed out our differences and one of them being his “household set-up.” She had meant well. I still remember how I replied to her then. I told her that’s the very reason why I wanted to be there for him. I told her quite naively that I just wanted to show him what it’s like to be really loved. I told her I have so much love to give and I wanted to fill him where his cup is empty, or words to that effect.

I had never intended that he and I end as sweethearts much less ever expected that he and I end up as husband and wife. I only wanted for us to be friends. There is something about him that tugs at me, something I could not totally explain.

I find it a bit weird remembering that moment with Melai. I’m wondering now how I could have felt that way then. But indeed, that’s how I felt then. On those days, I just felt that B needed some nurturing and that I was quite willing to give it. It’s weird really since even as I felt it then, I really had no idea how I was supposed to do that. I did not even think about it at all. And here I am now doing exactly that – loving him, nurturing him.

Ours is not a perfect relationship. In fact, we fight ever so often. There are even times when our arguments turn ugly. And yet, there is something about our partnership that convinces me time and again that everything is as it should be. There he is now sleeping peacefully at my side while I’m clicking away at this keyboard and I couldn’t help but feel relieved that he was able to take a momentary respite from the grief he’s feeling. There’s just something about us that I couldn’t quite point a finger to. I guess it’s the love… genuine and heartfelt. And such love manifests itself in our dealings with each other. While our differences sometimes boil down to a conflict of some sort, we have our love for each other as our saving grace.

I grew fearful all of a sudden, wondering if we would still be feeling the same way years down the line… Yet who cares? No sense being fearful of what is yet to come. What’s important is that we are loving each other now as well as we could, while we still can. What’s important is that now, we are being the best that we could be to each other, as individuals and as part of this partnership we’re having… I love you B and I’m one with you in your grief.

On Drama and Loving Better

Just came in from a meeting. Feeling really tired and lethargic at the moment. It must have been the heat outside or it could be that I woke up real early just to make it to the 8:00 a.m. appointment. Having to nurse the baby meant some waking hours in the middle of the night. While this is not as tiring as preparing a formula, it still means a few hours off my sleep. That is why I usually take advantage of a few hours in the morning before I wake up to mind baby RL again and prepare for work... This morning, I had to be up and about real early so I wouldn't be late for the meeting. It did not help that the venue for the meeting is at the other side of the city huhuhu :(

I'm sharing below a journal entry I had last December... thought it worth-sharing so here goes...

December 19, 2005
11:50 P.M.
Living Room


Bolo is out-of-town. He’s in Gen. San to attend the 11th Mindanao Forum. Since last year, when it was determined in Gingoog that this year’s Forum will be held in Gen. San, he had really been excited about attending. I wasn’t that thrilled since I had attended a previous (my first, in fact) Mindanao Forum in Gen. San.

Hmm… I was about to say that it was tough not having him around today. It wasn’t really. Well, I had to do away with my afternoon nap but even with him around, I rarely did nap in the afternoon.

Funny, but how “inclined” I am to “believe” that he had given me such a hard time by wanting to be at a forum instead of sticking around to help me take care of our little one. Now I wonder why is that? Hmm… another one of my drama’s. And come to think of it, it’s not a good “inclination” to have really. Or a good drama to keep either. After all, what do I want to achieve by entertaining such thoughts? What is it that I want? For B to think that he really owed me big time by “deserting” me? That “poor me,” my husband wanted to have a few days off for himself after quite selflessly attending to my every need and whim?

As usual, B had been quite attentive ever since I gave birth. Oh, there were very few instances when he’d flit off somewhere and spend some time with his friends but for the most part, he had played a good part of being my dear and faithful “servant.” He cooks for me, “feed” me, attends to the laundry, pays my credit card bills… He had been everything to me. But the most significant of all, he had been quite a doting father to our son.

So what business do I have to mope around just because he asked for a day off to be at the forum? Is it because I wanted to be there too? It’s not that really. Reflecting on the matter, it’s really just one of my drama’s. And being that, it’s not something that’s a “conscious” choice really. It’s more like an “automatic” tendency or as I aptly called it, “inclination.” And it’s quite easy to drown in one’s drama’s. If kept unchecked, it would be quite easy to have them rule one’s life. And how sad if that would be the case. That would be like living a life in a half-asleep, half-awake fashion. I’m not even sure if there is something “awake” about being ruled by one’s drama. In all likelihood, it would be like living a life in a “senseless” fashion where momentary whims and tendencies rule you. I wouldn’t want that for myself. I would rather live my life in a self-possessed, more conscious manner where my intentions and directions are clear. But yeah, this is easier said than done. But then again, if I could check myself, my thoughts and intentions as I have done here, then maybe, just maybe, I may not be that quite off the mark.

So B, difficult as it is, I really hope you are enjoying yourself at the forum’s socials tonight. You don’t know how difficult it is for me to let you go today. I’ve been half-wishing the whole time yesterday that something would go wrong about your arrangements and then you won’t be able to go. But there I was at five o’ clock this morning, coaxing you awake, fearing you would be late with your agreement to meet with Rey. While I was watching you sleep and looking at the watch at the same time, I was quite tempted to just let you sleep so you would be late for your appointment. Waking you up meant I recognize your need to have your own space too. I know I would want the same thing for myself – my own space where I could get to do my own thing apart from this partnership that we have. It meant that I acknowledge our being individuals. But believe me B, it wasn’t that easy to do. I have long been governed by my drama and sometimes, given in to its whim is a lot easier than challenging it. It’s easier to be my old self than to change for another person’s benefit. But I guess I have grown over the years, or perhaps I have really just learned how to love better...

The Birth

I sat in the back, feeling excited and nervous all at the same time. B’s in the front seat, I knew he was as nervous as I am, probably even more. I knew the ordeal of coaching me all through out the delivery is very much on his mind. I wanted to reassure him, tell him I’m fine but Mama is right beside me. Her presence somewhat made me feel a bit shy to start an intimate conversation with Bee and so I just texted him. I asked him how he’s feeling and told him not to be concerned so much since I’m feeling perfectly fine. He texted back, “Kulbaan na gyud, B. Pero kaya natin to team! (I'm feeling too nervous already, B. But we can make it, team!)” That made me almost laugh out loud. It made me feel grateful too. I am grateful that he looked at the situation that way – that this is an experience we both are facing. It reassured me, erased all my doubts. I am not on my own then. It was a wonderful feeling to have.

We made a brief stop at the office since I had to submit my “work-leave” documents he-he-he. We’re way before my expected due date. In fact, I was supposed to be in a meeting that morning with a consultant for a project I’m handling. I had been getting ready to dress for the meeting when I noticed blood stains on my clothes. I knew then that this is probably the day. The day before that, B and I went to see our doctor. We suspected some kind of leaking from my bag of water. I was having watery discharges. While it wasn’t enough to tell us that my bag of water had already broken, it made us nervous just the same. The check-up revealed that I am already partially open. Still, my OB signed my leave-papers indicating a much further date. So I never really suspected anything.

After the office, we went straight to the hospital. I had already informed my OB we were already on our way there. I’ve also texted a few good friends asking for prayers. I wasn’t feeling anything yet. I was still able to sign the admitting documents at the emergency room. It was straight to the delivery room from there. Bee accompanied me, we were both eager to change into the appropriate “uniform” but we were informed Lamaze partners/coach are allowed only inside the Lamaze room when I’m already on the active labor phase. That dampened our anticipation, somewhat. I had been looking forward to spending some quiet moments with Bee while we await the “final moment.” I did not relish lying and sitting in the Lamaze room on my own.

Since it was suspected that my water was already leaking, I was not allowed at all to stand and walk. But everything was taking so long. And being on my own was really starting to bore me. So every now and then I would sneak out of the Lamaze room and talk to Bee where he is waiting just outside the restricted area.

Waiting. A long time we had in waiting. All in all, I had labored for two days! Yup! Imagine my boredom. On my first day, when the pain feels like nothing at all, I had been very impatient. I would move out of the room and start pacing about. Most of the time B accompanies me. Twice, it was my mom who did.

The momentum only picked up on the afternoon of the second day. Although I wasn’t fully dilated yet, I could already feel the pain in my lower back. It is almost unbearable but the breathing exercises helped. By evening, the pain had escalated. I even vomited out of the pain. I was sedated so I could cope up with the pain. With the rate my “dilation” is going – awfully slow – my OB thinks it best to sedate me. This way, I would still have energy left when the right time comes. I had, after all, been in labor for two days already. I managed to sleep for a while but still, the pain wakes me up every now and then. At one point I asked for the “painless” procedure he-he-he. I’m not exactly proud of this given we had Lamaze and all. But the pain was really something.  Good thing I did not went through with the painless.  Eventually, concentrating on my breathing exercises helped. B’s tireless coaching helped me concentrate. He had been with me when I was well into the active labor phase. I was already irritable at that point, the pain was driving me crazy but B had remained calm. He would smile at me while he was coaching me breathe. The funny thing was, the more I see him smile, the more irritated I get.


My partner/coach :) Taken when he was on his way to join me in the Lamaze Room. It took a long while to locate him. I was already well into the active labor phase by then and was already dying to have him beside me but he was off somewhere buying me merienda, something.
I never expected B to be calm or even smiling. Given the “fear” he expressed during our Lamaze class, I expected he would be edgy and nervous. When I was finally being wheeled in into the delivery room, I thought he would back out. He had been expressing his doubts and concern about seeing the whole thing. He had always been afraid of hospitals, he never wanted to be inside one, much less be inside a delivery room to witness his wife go through the ordeal. But he remained by my side the whole time. (Thank you B.) It was a good thing that he did. While everything went well at the start, everything went intense towards the very end. Little B took a long time in going out. I reached a point when I no longer knew how to push properly. I was so tired already from the effort. And the pain… At one point, a very intense pain hit me, and I instinctively sought out B’s hand who readily extended it to me. Even then I noticed how dependent I was to B. Reaching instinctively to him reveals as much. For a while I wondered how the others fared, going through delivery “on their own.” That instant, I felt grateful to have B by my side.


Finally being wheeled in to the delivery room. When the pain became more frequent, I asked to be IE'd. Good thing I did since it turned out that my bag of water already broke and I had already dilated from 4 cm to 7 cm. If at the start everything had been too slow, things seem to be picking up so fast at this point.

Waiting again inside the Delivery Room. I lay there concentrating on my breathing, dealing with the pain and the strong desire to push. While they sat there and talk about Louis Vuitton bags and other stuff. In my head I was like screaming, "You could talk like that while I lay here like this?!" he-he-he But of course they knew better. Hope I don't get sued for posting this pic with them here he-he-he They've been a pretty good team. I sure owe them a lot, particularly in making sure baby RL was alright.


Bolo: Come on B, breathe...
Thank you B, for holding my hand all through out the ordeal. Once again you've proven to me that we are indeed a team.

I never had an idea that everything was starting to go wrong. All I could think of was the pain, and that how tired I already was. I did not even notice that everyone seemed tense and that every time I would push, they would also monitor baby’s heartbeat. At one point my OB urgently urged me to push and even sort of began scolding me to push harder. A vacuum was brought in, two “burly” female nurses pressed down hard at my belly, and out goes baby RL.

Everyone in the delivery room cheered. It turned out it was a cord coil delivery. That is why baby took a real long time in going out. And that towards the end we very nearly lost baby RL. When they told me this, I felt as if cold water was being poured over me. I could not bring myself to think of what could have happened. My OB jokingly told me she felt like collapsing every time the Doppler indicates a drop in the heartbeat. She told me we very nearly had an “unpleasant” accident that day. Thank God we didn’t!

Then everyone went busy. I could hear my OB asking what time it is. I heard someone say I had given birth to a baby boy. A son…


Bb RL:Akk..ekk..glug..glug...what are you doing to me?! Where's my Nanay?! I want to see her!

Finally baby's out. It had taken a while and we sure had treaded very dangerous ground. Thank God he's well and healthy. Just as I asked for in prayer...
I was too weak to feel anything. I waited for the feeling of elation others told me I would feel once I’d hear my baby cry but everyone in the room was too noisy. Everyone seems to be giving some kind of instruction or the other… I knew some were minding my baby, taking care of him… I heard someone say that he should be latched to my….err… breast for that initial suckle. And he was. That’s when I saw him for the first time… Still, everything was a blur and I was too weak to appreciate the whole experience.


Bb RL: There, there, finally you've taken me to my mom... hmm... ought I kiss her here?! Is it not supposed to be at her cheeks? You sure?!"

This is when I saw baby for the very first time. I was too weak already by then to fully appreciate the experience. But I sure was grateful to know he's alright. Even here, I was not aware of the very close call we had. I thought everything was just as it should be.

Bb RL: Hey, hey, where are you taking me now?! Don't take me away from my mommy!!! What are you doing to her now? Are you hurting her?! What's all that blood?! Huh! I can't look! Takot ako!
Before I knew it, baby was brought to the next room to be cleaned up. Everyone else was administering to me. Well, they were “sewing” me up, pardon the pun :)and making sure everything was alright with me.


Bb RL: Oh, oh what are you going to do with me now?! What is it I'm lying on here? It's hard and cold... Oh, oh! Is that water over there?! Waaah!!! Don't tell me your going to dip me in that?!!! I've been in water for almost 9 whole months... not again!

Bb RL: Look Ma, I five fingers in this hand. And at the other too! See? Does that mean they're no longer going to dip me in that cold-looking water over there? Ha?!

Bb RL:Oh, oh, you're going to lift me now?!

Bb RL: Brrr...told you it's cold.. brrr..but it feels good to be cleaned up. Ok, you can clean me now. Just don't get soap in my eyes ha?

Bb RL: Wow! This feels good. I feel warm already. Thanks a lot! :)
Somehow I felt everything. And knowing that I no longer had to concentrate that hard for my baby’s sake, I gave in to my desire to “holler” every time I feel pained. I was probably a lot noisier then than when I was giving birth to Baby RL. I know someone outside of the delivery room would have thought I was at the height of giving birth by then.

Though weakened, my sense of humor did not left me and I slyly asked for apology for being noisy. I told them that now that I no longer have to reserve my energy, I could shout all I want hehehe I was feeling everything all at once (minus the pain of course) that I kept my eyes closed all through out the procedure up until they wheeled me out of the delivery room to my room.

Back at my room, I felt myself being lifted and transferred to my bed. Then I slept…


Hmmm... nice and cozy :)

Meet My Son

I've been really wanting to share the story of baby RL's birth in this blog but I'm really just short of time these days given the amount of work that had piled up in my absence from the office. The "birth account" is in my journal and quite a long entry so it means I would have to "type" the entire thing, which would entail some time that I could not afford at the moment. Hmm... and yet, the mother in me could also not wait to tell the whole world about my adorable, little son so here goes...


Baby Rod Lauren


Hey, look ma, who's smiling?


Close Up Shot :)

Meet my son, Rod Lauren :) I'm not quite sure whom he took after or where he got his looks -- me or bolo. Most of my friends say he took after B while most of Bolo's friends say he looks a lot like me he-he-he. I guess the confusion really is on the fact that he does not quite look like either of us. Some of my relatives say - and I agree - that he look a lot like my Dad :)

He's a lot of things these days. From being just a little short of 6 pounds at birth, he has now grown so fast. If at birth he could barely fill in his baby clothes, now he's almost bursting out of them he-he-he. As for his personality, well, he seem to take after his father :) He smiles a lot, even "giggles" when talked to. He seem to have such a happy disposition in life. I pray that he would still have that when he grows up. I hope he does not take after me who's so serious I seem to have a problem all the time he-he :) Hmm... but come to think of it, he seem to take after me in this aspect too. Many times he has manifested to me how he's such a sensitive baby. There are times when he would cry wanting to be picked up. Sometimes, I'm doing other things so I could not immediately pick him up. Instead of crying in earnest, he would stop, look at me and seem to just wait 'till I give him my full attention. Everytime he does that, I would immediately drop whatever it is I'm doing and engage him in a tight hug. Would not want him to feel neglected at all. Hmm.. I just hope he picks up both our "good" qualities and not otherwise.

Baby Rod Lauren is everything to me now. Everything that I do, hope for, decide for, seem to revolve all around him. He gives my life a deeper meaning. Now I know why babies are referred to as a "bundle of joy." Baby Rod Lauren is definitely that to me.


Baby RL: Hmm... whom do you think I take after? My mom or my Dad?

On Faith and Spending Some Time Together

I was praying after receiving Holy Communion in yesterday’s Sunday Mass when I felt B lean to me and whispered, “I love you B. Hurot.” The last word meant, “consumingly.” I could not quite lean back at him to answer him so I just sought out his hand and squeezed it in response.

I remember the instances in the past when I had to argue with him when it comes to attending Sunday Mass. We had been attending regularly since last December but there are still times when I would have to urge him to go hear Mass with me. It’s not always easy and often times I hate the fact that we had to have a discussion over it. In truth, it breaks my heart knowing we don’t quite see eye to eye when it comes to this. I mean, I could take it if we argue about other things, but this?

I have no idea what warranted his “I love you” last night. I’m not sure what went on over his head at that time. I did see him pray though and I knew that he was very much sincere about it. Oh, he had always been sincere when it comes to prayer. In fact, there are times when I would wonder who is more pleasing in God’s eyes – me who’s into the rituals or him who doesn’t care that much about the rituals but is earnest in his prayers. (I am not saying that I’m not earnest though.)

Last Friday, I was beginning to think that we are having progress where our “difference of opinion” in exercising our faith is concerned. Because, he so gamely volunteered to accompany me in going to my community’s prayer meeting. Just in “going to” though since he is resolute about not attending it with me. On our way home after the prayer meeting, we enjoyed some quiet moments together. We even stopped by Jollibee to buy some fries and sundae to munch on our way home. Hmm… come to think of it, that’s the first time we have a few moments all to ourselves. That is, outside of the house ever since our little one came into our lives. There were few instances when he and I had been to the mall but it was always with baby in tow. Last night, it was again just the two of us. It felt very much like when we were still dating which made it really fun :)

Ah...Sweethearts Just the Same :)

B walked in on me while I was wrapping up on my journal entry below. I'm trying to guess what picture would I have presented -- sitting there cross-legged, pen and journal in hand, brows touching, engaged in a thoughtful mood...

I felt his hesitation as he looked at me. He then asked me what I was doing. I knew it was very much obvious to him what I was doing but I answered him anyway. I told him I was writing in my journal. He answered that he thought putting the computer downstairs would eliminate that habit of mine. He said he preferred having me rest than write. I answered back by asking him would he rather have me with a wilted soul. He grew quiet. Then he asked me what I was writing about. I told him everything, about my felt need for "sweetnothings." I told him that while I truly appreciate how he had proven to be such a good partner to me and how our relationship have grown over the months of taking on responsibilities, I felt that we ought not forget about indulging in sweetnothings every now and then. He engaged me in a hug and said that when baby RL is grown, we would have more time for being sweet to each other. He said that what's important now is that baby's needs are met. I was about to argue when he caught himself and made a non-coherent comment. I knew he was getting my drift. I knew that like me, he would exert more effort now not to just be engrossed in the practical aspects of our relationship... And we continued with our conversation. We talked about practical stuff again but the moment remained intimate just the same.

Being Partners and Being "Sweethearts"

February 7, 2006
10:00 PM
Our Room
Bb Rod Lauren sleeping
Peacefully by my side

Chanced upon a dear, old friend at YM today. No, not an old flame but definitely a close friend in the past. Anyway, the exchange was…hmm... “practical.” Well, we did talk about practical matters. He had gotten married long before I did. In fact, I am Godmother to his daughter, Raine. He’s in China now with his family but is planning to come home this May. His wife Chang, who also became a friend of mine, is already 3 months pregnant with their second child. Considering the cost of giving birth there and the lack of support we usually enjoy over here from our extended families, they decided to have the baby here. Ryan, my friend, would have to go back to China though after two weeks since he works there.

Ryan and I talked about being parents, the hospital cost of giving birth these days, etc. etc. Chang and I also had a chance to chat and we talked about “mother-stuff” like breastfeeding, paglilihi, giving discipline to kids, etc. Ryan and I talked about business too. It was amazing really. He was planning to bring some outdoor stuff home to sell. He told me there was plenty of good stuff over there. He said the income from it would help tide over some of Chang’s needs here. He told me he was thinking of ways to dispose the items when he gets here. While he has several climbing friends who would be interested, he preferred a more practical and legit outlet. When he learned of B’s shop, everything just fell into place. It was a lucky coincidence really, our having to talk today.

But this is not what had me in a pensive mood at the moment. In the course of our conversation there was a time when he called me in the pet name he used to call me in the past. It hit a chord somewhere inside of me. It made me immediately thoughtful. B and I are so busy taking care of each other’s needs and that of our baby’s that somehow we are more of being “partners” or "teammates" to each other than “sweethearts.” I mean, we’re more engrossed now with practical matters than sweety, touching stuff. Oh, “I love you’s” are still exchanged often, particularly on moments when one’s concern for the other is very much obvious. That's when being "partners" gave way to moments of intimacy wherein we realize that our love for each other has taken on a deeper meaning. That now, it’s more on taking care of each other, of supporting each other, as we build on the family we’re having. Every time B helps me with the chores or in taking care of our little one without my having to ask him to, the more I appreciate his person. The more I come to love him.

Being called by my pet name today really struck me. While my love and respect for B grows deeper as he shows me everyday I could count on him when it comes to taking on and embracing the responsibilities and practicalities of “family-hood,” I realized that indulging in little, sweet nothings every now and then could not hurt either. It could definitely add spice to our relationship. Being too engrossed in the responsibilities and “duties,” could also be tiring. That is why it's also important that "partners" make the effort to be "sweethearts" every now and then. That way, the relationship remain balanced and the danger of resenting each other for taking the fun out of life could be avoided. One thing I realized today is that relationships often grow stale because in the course of taking on the responsibilities, the relationship begins to be viewed of more as a "duty," or worse, a "chore." And when there is more of that than fun in the every day that passes, for sure the relationship wilts and before you knew it, it will just fizzle right before your very eyes...

My two loves.

Thank you too B

Below is an entry I had on my journal I felt I wanted to share in here so....

November 23, 2005
5:28 P.M.

We were both watching our little one sleep awhile back when B suddenly turned to me, looked me in the eye and "thanked" me for giving him his son. It was a touching moment and I could feel myself being close to tears now as I'm remembering it. But at that time I just smiled teasingly at him, mouthed an incoherent response and tried to make light of the moment. But in reality, I was feeling as if my heart had expanded to fill the entire room...

I'm Back!

Hmm... I've been out of...err... circulation for quite some time now... but I'm definitely back :) I have not stopped writing though. While having a dial-up connection totally discouraged me to log in here and write my entries, I still did manage to write down my thoughts the old-fashioned way -- with a journal and a pen :) Motherhood was such an experience that no matter how tired I was, I still manage to write down my thoughts and realizations. I will be posting some of them here soonest... :)

On Motherhood

I have started working again this week. Although, officially, I am due to report on February 6 yet. Since I miscalculated and came in last Tuesday, here I am reporting again for a meeting I had committed to.

Having been advised that I take advantage of the two more weeks left to enjoy my baby, I took Wednesdays and Thursdays off. It was a lucky break since Bee had told me beforehand that he had “extra” work on those two days. An ASEAN Tourism Forum is ongoing in the city which means lots of opportunity for his type of business. It meant some “night away from home” for him.

Anyway, here I am again dabbling with my computer and doing what I’ve missed doing the most – write. Being a mom is truly a rich experience. It is definitely something else. As I take on the role everyday, I get to realize a lot of things. As I had expected, motherhood is such an eye-opener to me in a lot of ways. It made me see myself “metamorphosing” into this person I never really imagined I could be. In a way, I am “witnessing” an entirely different way of my “becoming,” of the unfolding of my truth. After all, motherhood is not an experience that could happen to you everyday. It is an entirely different phase in one’s life. And I am in that phase now.

Motherhood also made me see my own Mom in a different light. I understand her better now, and am more tolerant of her moods. Most importantly, I now appreciate her much, much more than I ever did. Finding myself in her shoes now, I realized hers was not an easy job rearing and loving us with all our imperfections and shortcomings.

Being a kid, it’s easy to be idealistic – demanding a lot of things from our parents. As children, it’s so easy for us to have such high expectations on what parents should be. (Well, I did.) We usually would have such high standards. That is why, for some, when something goes wrong in their lives, it’s so easy to blame the parents for being so strict or being less so, etc. etc. (I did not blame my parents in any way though) But now, as a parent myself, I realized parenthood is such a difficult role to take on. There’s lots of balancing act to do, of weighing things carefully before acting on anything.

A few weeks into motherhood and I find myself fumbling and groping as I try to learn the ropes. And it’s not easy to just fumble or to conduct things in a trial and error manner. Why? Because there’s another life, another being to consider here. And it does not make it easier to realize that that being is such a tiny, little baby totally dependent on you. If you’d mess up – in your fumbling and groping – you would totally affect this little angel’s life. And for sure, I would not want to commit such terrible mistakes that could greatly affect my own baby’s life.

I am not perfect. For sure there will be mistakes along the way. I just pray and hope that they would in no way hamper my son’s own becoming in the future. Every time I watch him sleep or when we look at each other eye to eye as I feed him, I realize how tiny and how fragile he is. He is totally dependent on me. There is no way he could protect himself should I harm him in any way. And there's no way I would want to do that at all -- harm him, consciously that is. If there's something I want, it's to help him become the best that he could be, help him in his own becoming and in the process enrich my own becoming too. This, is such a tall order. I find myself on my knees the most nights just to ask for this...

On cravings, pregnancy and loving

Craving for a tall glass of ice cold cola drink. Hmm... does that make sense at all? It seems a little late into this pregnancy to have some cravings. But yes, surprisingly, I'm having a lot of those these days. I must be making up for not having gone through such a phase early on in my pregancy he-he-he.

Hmm... looking back, indeed, I did not pass through any "paglilihi" stage. My little one seems to be very considerate :) Either that or I'm being rewarded a good Karma for trying my best not to be of inconvenience to anyone... I did not go through any vommitting phase, of not being able to eat well, of thinking garlic and onion have "disagreeable" smell... Well, at least that's how my own mom and some friends related to me their own pregnancies... My mom even told me I was such a difficult baby to have. Told me she had not eaten any decent meal during her first trimester with me since she could not take the smell of any cooked food... I wasn't so unlucky.

I think, being vegetarian is the reason for it. Come to think of it, my little one is so lucky, he came when my body is at its tiptop shape. I've been vegetarian for almost three years when he was conceived. I was also always active, getting myself involved in various physical pursuits -- runs, race, kayaking,trekking, climbing, including exercising consistently... I guess I could say my body was quite prepared when I got pregnant.

More than three years ago, B and I made a commitment to keep each other healthy. While we did that without having a baby in mind, I'm glad that we made such a commitment then. Since I'm definitely reaping the benefits now... I hope my little one is too.

Fear. Uncertainty. I'm having a good share of them lately. I'm not sure if it is just hormones talking or what. But I sure have some worries about my upcoming "delivery." Not so much for me but for my little one. I want him so badly. And I want him alive, well, normal and healthy. I don't normally ask for anything specific everytime I pray -- trusting that God knows exactly what my needs are -- but these days, I've been praying really hard to have that and a safe and normal delivery. Both for my sake and baby's.

Actually, that is one of the reasons for my taking the lamaze class. The class represented something "solid" to grasp on to while I wallow in the uncertainty of having to deliver a life into this world. I know the class will help me put everything in perspective. Aside from the fact that I'm sure the class will also add some "more" value to the intimacy that B and I share. I know doing the class together will make us closer than we already are. It will also make "my" pregnancy something that he and I both share... Oh he is involved alright. I could not ask for a more attentive, concerned husband that B is to me. If, as a boyfriend he treated me like a princess, in my pregnancy, he treated me like a queen. I have no reason to complain really...

Someone said to me last week that love begets love. Indeed it does... Everytime B shows me how sincere he is in his concern for me and my well-being, I can't help but want to return the regard too. And vice-versa. It never ends really... Thank you so much B, for everything. For holding my hand as I learn, unlearn, and relearn everyday the real meaning of love and self-giving.

Lamaze Class

With our "instructor," Alex

Hmm... how time flies. Before we knew it, we are already down to our last session in class. For three weekends, we had gone to learning about the exercises, learning about pregnancy and delivery, and well, learning about mine and B's "fears" when it comes to "our" giving birth real soon.

Higlights: I was real surprised in encountering a former college classmate and a friend of a friend attending the class too as a couple. Suprised but definitely not displeased :) Jeanette Lee was a former classmate way back computer science days in Ateneo. Lemuel was a friend of another classmate of ours back then too. While Lemuel was frequently hanging out with our other classmates then (since they were classmates in high school), it still was surprising to see Jeanette and Lemuel together. I'm thinking, they hardly exchanged a word then and now they're married?! He-he-he But I sure was happy to see familiar faces attending the same class :)

Highlight No. 2 was when we had a tour of the delivery facility back at Brok. At one point, we took turn lying on the delivery table hehehe to get a feel of things. It was fun. We started by changing into hospital gowns and traded our shoes with slippers that the hospital provided. The hubby's had on a scrub suit. Since it wasn't the real thing yet, we just donned on the gowns and suits on top of what we're wearing. Next, they showed us the labor and lamaze rooms. There were already 8 persons there who were on labor. They appeared pretty relaxed to me and some were even eating. (?! or was mistaken?), So probably, they were still at their early phase of the labor. We then entered the delivery room. Luckily, it wasn't in use yet so we had it all to ourselves. That's when we took turns lying there with a bean bag on our back. Personally, I find the bean bag helpful. I think it will do a lot of good when the "pushing" time comes... Hmmm... I'm going on here as if what I'm talking about is just an ordinary thing and not something I would be experiencing with some pain.

Pain. There would be a lot of that alright. But our "teacher" was good in pointing out that the pain involved is really "protective" in nature and that it really is a part of the entire process of giving birth. That is why she encourages us to "ride" with the pain. Hm...embrace the pain. I'm wondering if I could do that given all the horror stories I've heard about giving birth. But for sure, I will definitely try my best to make it easy for my little one. I wouldn't want to put him in much undue stress just because I was too overwhelmed with the pain I'm feeling. But yeah, I'm also realistic enough to know that it's really too early for me to go on talking about what I "intend" to do when the time finally comes... After all, giving birth is a very personal experience. It is an experience that would be unique for every person... Ah... may all be well, for me and my little one. I pray that I would be brave as I normally am...

As for being brave, one of the highlights of the lamaze experience was in having to watch B agonize while watching the video showing we had on normal and ceasarian delivery. He really could not take the whole thing that he was constantly cowering behind my back and covering his eyes. I was comforting him all through out the film showing he-he-he poor B. At one point he looked at me imploringly and said he probably could not accompany me when my time would come. It was too much for him. That had me thinking. I always knew of his fear of hospitals and seeing blood, first hand. Yeah, one would look at B and wouldn't know that he had such fears. He always seemed carefree, adventurous and without a care in the world. But believe me, there are certain things that truly unnerve him.

I am torn between wanting to free him from the "obligation" of accompanying me althrough out the entire ordeal and wanting him to be by my side then. We had always been partners in everything. And labor is definitely a milestone for me. There are just too many at stake and too many uncertainties. If it's only my life that is at stake, I really do not mind facing it alone. But with our little one to consider, I definitely want to have a familiar face around by then. But most especially, I want to have B by my side, holding my hand. Even now, as we talk about it everyday, I know he's psyching himself up for it. I know like me, he is torn too -- torn between wanting to be there for me and wanting to give in to his fear. I know his is not a decision to make either but then again... Haaay. I know all will be well...

Ah, wait! I almost forgot to write about the highlights of all highlights of the class... It's B and I either lying side by side or head to head (depending on the size of the mat we would bring for the session hehehe) as we do the exercises together. It's him, holding me by the hand while helping me focus as I execute the breathing exercises. It's him and I smiling at each other's eyes and enjoying our moment together...