Julia Fordham

Yup, listening to Julia Fordham at the moment. My clock reads 1:38 AM. I've been feeling sleepy since 11 o'clock, I guess. But there are a lot of things that needed to be done. Just outside our room lies a heap of clothes that needed to be folded up and stored in their right cabinets and to think I've started folding up clothes by the time I arrived from my meeting. I only stopped to go down and eat.

Well, so far I've succeeding in neatly hanging some of my "training clothes." Some of Bolo's and Baby's stuff too. I've sorted out my "pambahay," my "for-the-office," and casual-wear clothes. I found out too that I have more clothes than cabinet space. Not that I've been acquiring much lately. Rarely do I find the time to browse and buy clothes these days. In fact, most of my blouses now are Bolo's "gifts" to me -- his "finds." Well, I must add that his choices are not that bad at all, except for those few times he brought home stuff that are either too loud for my taste or were ill-fitting. For the most part, however, he's pretty astute in his choices. It's like he knew full well my minimalist preference.

Hmm... looking back however, I now have plenty of t-shirts too, thanks to him. He's so fond of "climbing," sporty clothes and every now and then he would come home bringing me t-shirts and shorts -- mostly board shorts.

Anyway, how did my day went? Good, I guess. Went back to work despite my OB's two-month rest advice. I had to. I have a training from the 20th to the 23rd and there are a lot of things that needed to be done.

On that note, I guess I'd better call it a day. Better rest now, have another day of work tomorrow. Julia still croons and I'm reminded once again how I like her so much. Used to be so gungho over her during college. And every now and then I would crave for her voice. I had several albums of her in the past. But right now, the only album I have left is her "Collection," which is not bad at all. It is indeed a collection of all her good songs. Hmm.. but is there really any "bad" ones? =)

Ah, this song currently playing, "Porcelain," I really like and not just because it starts with the line -- "I am very much in like with you..." hehehe

I was about to post this blog when "Invisible War" played. It reminds me so much of my relationship with Bolo. Indeed, sometimes there could be just a thin line between love and hate. It's funny really how you could also hate so much the very person you also love very much. I guess it's really because of the vulnerability that loving so much brings. When you love, really love, somehow you leave yourself open and very vulnerable. Emotions are raw, and sometimes expectations run high too. It's no wonder it could hurt so much when these expectations are not met.

Ah, "Love Moves in Mysterious Ways..." Yeah, with my liking Julia Fordham so much, anyone can guess this was played during our wedding hehehe It's not our wedding song, however. Instead, it opened up the ceremony. Our entourage and sponsors marched down the aisle while the choir sang this in the background. I thought it a fitting scoring. Love indeed moves in mysterious ways. Never have I foreseen that everything would end up as it had and not as I first planned it to be.

Oh, there were plans alright. The planning took several years -- two, three years? And yet everything turned out differently. I still harbor a bit of a guilt for that particular aspect of my life. But only because I have no way of knowing if the other's life turned out fine as well... I hope it did... Indeed one could invest so much in making plans and trying to push everything as planned. Still, life could unfold in such a way that one could never imagine... And often the unfolding is good... It is always good no matter how it may seem otherwise at times... Because we have an orchestrator who is good.. all the time... Thank you, Father God.

Hmm..

My horroscope today reads:

Cancer: Pay special attention to the boundary between your home life

and your professional life.

It's solid,

and you need to make sure it stays that way today.

It's more important than ever to keep any problems that you're having at work

as far removed from your personal life as possible.

There's also a risk that a deepening relationship with a colleague

could have undue influence over a personal decision.

Beware -- this could be a problem.

I don't base my life and my decisions on what my horroscope says but this sure made me pensive...

Taking Care of One's Own

I think one has no business dreaming/ talking about making a difference, helping others, pitching in in development work if you don't know a thing about taking care of one's own. I think it is hypocritical to quote the bible every now and then, boast about one's regular attendance to services if you cannot be charitable to people within your own backyard.

Before, I used to be so wary of announcing to the world that I belong to a certain Spiritual community or that I attend regular worship service. It's not because I am ashamed of my God or ashamed that I'll be associated with such activities. In the first place, I feel blessed to have had such kind of relationship with my God so I don't see why I ought to be ashamed about it. In fact it is the other way around. The reason why I don't make such "pronouncements" is because I'm afraid I may just shame my community.

Establishing that close relationship with Him, the more I am made aware of my own weaknesses. As I get to know more about Him and His goodness, the more I know of my own imperfections, of my own brokenness. I know every now and then I would say or do things that would not only be unpleasing to His eyes but also to the people around me.

Ironically, it's not His wrath that I fear the most. It's other people's judgment of me. No, it's not even that. It's the judgment that may boomerang back to my community for whatever "falling short of perfection" that I may commit.

That is why sometimes I "envy" people who could talk so openly about their own spiritual practices, like how often they would go to Mass, or how often they do charitable works... I wish I could have the same zeal that they do.

Oh, but I'd like to correct myself. I do have the zeal, I just don't sing openly about it. Ah... I've said a lot of things here already when all that I wanted to say now is that I am hurting. I've been hurting for a long time even if I don't also speak openly about it. I am hurting because I have trouble fitting in. I am hurting because while I wanted to establish relationships, I often feel I'm up against a brick wall. It's hard when even at the onset it's been underlined time and again that you're on your own and that you do not belong.

Oh, I don't really mind not establishing the relationships. I'm fine all by myself. And besides, I'm really quite wary where that is concerned. Because, relationships matter the whole lot to me. Friends to me are not just pals. They're family, loved ones. To them I'll give all of me without any hesitation should the situation call for it. That is why I don't really always jump at the chance to "acquire" more relationships than I already have.

Still, establishing relationship is necessary with people you have common goals with. It is but only common sense to do so. Oh but yeah, I forgot, I am on my own and we necessarily don't share a common goal...

I am hurting because I felt I am shortchanged. I am hurting because I had had such high expectations from people whom I thought knows more about God's love and about translating it into this world. I am hurting because when at the time I was hurting I did not feel the slightest hint that they were hurting along with me. Kahit respeto lang man sana. All that they succeeded was in making me feel that I was worthless to them. Oh, I did not expect much like they would have to smother with flowers and all that stuff. A simple "how are you?" would have been more than enough.

I'm asking myself, have I set such high expectations that is why I am hurting now? No, in fact I did not have any expectations at all. But, I guess I did not expect total disregard as well. My God, I lost a child and it's a painful experience. I had expected that mothers would have at least understand the pain I must be going through. I expected that those who seek to establish relationship with God everyday would know how to extend a comforting hand to those who needed it. So yeah, maybe I did have such high expectations. This is the only way that could explain the hurt I'm feeling now... But yeah, I'll get over this. I am in fact feeling better now. I just felt that I had to express all that I've felt so it wouldn't have to be a baggage, a burden I'll be carrying around with me.

If anything, I take comfort in the fact that my God did not fail me at all. He had always been with me every step of the way. And there were my friends too, my family... If there's anything I get out of this whole experience, it's that God reaffirmed His promise to anyone who loves Him -- that indeed He would never forsake us or abandon us especially in time of need. With that, what more shall I want?

Alex's Homecoming

Well, it wasn't really much of a homecoming =) We've been what? Together for just three hours? But what three hours it was! It was three hours of catching up, exchanging experiences and views on relationships. I'd say, for everything that we've covered, it seemed we pretty much maximized the little time we'd had.


And to think it almost did not happen. We're supposed to go out Saturday night. But then it rained. Aside from that, Bolo and I spent most of the afternoon till 7 pm in marketing, going to the grocery store and cooking. It was Jeni's Mom's -- our Godparent during our wedding -- birthday party. She (Jeni) "delegated" to us the cooking of one vegetarian dish -- the "sumptuous" pakora =) For those who do not know what a pakora is, it is like your vegetable tempura. Only in this case, we make use of besan flour (chick pea flour), some kinchay (to add to the flavor and to give the dish that wonderful smell), and some seasonings for the batter. And, we used oyster mushrooms instead of the regular vegetables. We also made use of cauliflowers for that "chicken lollipop" effect.


Anyway, I was too beat after rushing with the cooking and baby was not feeling so well that I thought it not a good idea to go out. I wasn't even able to attend the party, much more so have the energy for some night-out-get-together.

Good thing we pushed through with it tonight. It sure was fun. The conversation had really been great. It is surprising considering that we haven't really seen Alex for more than ten years already. At first I was a bit hesitant about going. I thought we might run out of things to say to each other. After all, we hardly share anything common now. But it sure was fun learning about each other's lives at present.


We talked about our marriage, our relationships with our spouses, our struggles, courtship, keeping the relationship, sex. Yeah, we even talked about that and had fun laughing. We also talked about betrayal. But it was nothing heavy. We talked about how it could create such a dent in a relationship... I sit here and think how we have come a long way from those years we spent in college talking about tapes, music, MTVs and worrying about where to copy our next assignment from hehehe. There we were talking about more serious adult stuff.

I appreciated the fact that Alex was also very much open during our conversation. While neither of us really went into the sordid details of our respective relationships, I felt that each of us had really been open with each other. At one point pictures were exchanged. I must say those of Alex and his wife were really good ones. For Jeni, Candy and I, they were mostly "Mom stuff" -- pictures that have our babies in them =) And, they were just as good =)


Before we knew it, it was already time to go. I know we all shared the feeling that we would have wanted for the conversation to go on. But Alex had an early flight to catch tomorrow. I have to think of Baby and Bolo waiting for me at the shop. Candy's kids are starting school the next day. As for Jeni, she had all the time in the world hehehe.

For all that we've shared -- our relationship woes included -- I really wish that each of our relationships will turn out well in the end and that we'll get over whatever challenges we may be having now. We're all adults now and we know that the courtship stage doesn't go on forever. We're mature enough to know that relationships also mature over time. The heart-thumping, breath-taking, "electrifying" moments we experienced during the courtship stage will soon give way to moments of adjustments, facing issues, encountering conflicts and growing together. All of which are realities that relationships have to go through. Still, a part of me believes that the magic both partners felt during courtship could be sustained all through the years. Both partners just have to work at it and be creative about it... I wish such a relationship for each of us. The kind of relationship not only where there is love, commitment and deep respect but also one that is fun and exciting.

Hey Alex, it sure was fun seeing you again. Hope you'll come visit again soon. And guys, thank you so much for the fun time we've had. Thanks for the friendship =) Only wish Dane could have joined us then. Lourdes too =)

And so I Lost Her...

I could not explain the pain I felt looking at the ultrasound monitor and seeing no response from the baby. There was no sign of the comforting blinking that indicates the baby’s heartbeat. Yes, "baby" since I certainly refuse to call it “just” a fetus. At 6 weeks I saw how there was a heartbeat already. It was a living entity. I’m a vegetarian. I don’t eat meat in reverence of the life of a “being.” How much more that of a baby? MY Baby…

I lay there while the doctor – the sonologist, not my OB – tried all means just to detect any vital signs on that unmoving figure in the screen. I knew she was probably just doing it for my benefit. She tried all angles and yet the result is the same. There is no vital sign.

I feel the pain even now, recalling how it all was… It’s a pain so raw, so wrenching… I felt it to the very depth of my being. I asked lamely if it means the baby is no longer there. All the while I was fighting the tears that were threatening to fall.

The sonologist replied it could be anything and that yes, it could mean that. She said something like I could try again and that I’m still young. I felt like shouting back at her. I know she probably was just at a loss as to what to say to me and that was the best that she could come up with. But I found no consolation in her words.

I wanted to lash back that having another baby would not be the same as having the same baby. I wanted to ask her if she could guarantee at all that if we try for another baby, it would be the same one we’ve lost now. Would it be the same soul but just in another body?

I’m crying now while writing this. For a week I imagined in my head how I would write this entry. Of course I wanted to write about this experience. What better therapy could there be for me other than to write? But never have I imagined I’ll find myself in that little room again at the sonologist’s clinic. I never imagined I’d feel the agony again…

Bolo and Baby Bullets was there. Bolo stood holding Baby while peering at the monitor too. But unlike me, Bolo was more accepting of the situation. When we went out of the clinic to sit outside and wait for the result, I was definitely crying in earnest already. I could no longer hold the tears. Bolo patted me and said there was nothing we could do. He reminded me that our OB already told us to prepare ourselves and that if the baby is not for us then it wouldn’t be there despite all the bed rest I may take.

I will admit, though I’m shamed by it, that there was an instance wherein I entertained the thought of the “convenience” my being unpregnant would give me. I recall the misgivings I have when I found out I missed my period. Still, by God, that was my baby. MY baby and not some pet I could do away with and give away if it proved to be of inconvenience. As I said in my past entry, there was never a doubt as to how I felt for that child. I loved her.

When I had the spotting and had my OB confirmed the delicacy of my condition, I laid in bed and communicated with my unborn. I told her to hang on for dear life. I was honest with her though and told her how she came at a time when I did not plan for it at all. I told her I wish I had her at a time that there was nothing she’d feel but appreciation from me. Not that she’ll have to sense my misgivings at having found myself pregnant with her. I know this would not sound good at all to a baby hanging on for dear life but I was strong in my resolve too. There would be no lies between me and my offsprings, if I could help it at all. I know she’d sense it anyway if I’d lie. I know I would not appreciate being lied to by my parents. What kind of relationship would that be?

Ah.. right now I still cringe everytime I see cute girlie dresses because even if the sex of the baby could not yet be discerned at that stage, I was very certain she was a girl. I meditated once – as a friend taught me how to do it – communicated with the baby in my womb and I readily sensed a female energy. That’s when I knew. It pains me now, recalling that incident because it had been a good communication, that one.

Oh I’m better now, somewhat. Slowly, I am beginning to accept what happened. There’s nothing left to do but just that. No amount of remorse would change everything that had happened.

I just hope I’ll finally get better – physically that is. I feel my body has been through a lot. I’ve been through a lot and I’m still recovering from everything… So help me God..

I'm Not

My clock reads -- 12:50 AM. I find it ironic that I have reached that time slaving over some work concerns when my doctor specifically ordered for a 2-week bed rest.

I have just finished an important report but I still have some work concerns I needed to do tomorrow. A lot had happened this week. Yesterday was the toughest, having found out I was experiencing some spotting.

It was a traumatic experience for me -- to have found blood when I knew perfectly well I am "almost" 2-mos. pregnant. It did not help that I didn't have the support I needed at that time. Bolo was away for some business. For some reason, he is not anywhere where his fone is. Candy's YM status message read, "Sorry, I ran off for a bit." Jeni was unreachable too. Both cases are forgivable though. Even I am guilty of not minding my phone constantly. Particularly when I'm very much busy with some work stuff or "motherly" functions. In either case, checking my fone for messages takes the least priority.

Ah, now I remember and note with some irony how I have happened to pour out my sentiments to an "online" friend. I found -- still find that incident -- totally ironic. There I was wanting so badly some reassurance of some sort. I was desperate for a hug, for a touch, for a physical contact but I got a "virtual" response instead. Not that it wasn't appreciated. I really thanked that friend for being there for me notwithstanding how weird it must have been for her to find out I was having miscarriage-scare and her not being able to do anything about it given the "remoteness" of the situation.

I am still in pain now. I have a nagging pain in my lower back and abdomen. It's not a good indication at all I know on top of the spotting I'm still experiencing. I know I'm risking my baby's well-being for refusing to heed the bedrest advice and tackling work instead. But a part of me recognizes the need to accomplish certain things that I should. Things that are needed. And having to do that, a lot of nagging questions are running right through my head. I'm asking why it had to be this way.

I love this child tremendously. That is something that I am very much certain of. For all my confusion, my unpreparedness, my misgivings, there was never a doubt as to how I feel towards this Baby.

So yes, I'm lamenting the fact that I have to accomplish certain things when I should be fighting like crazy for this Baby to stay alive. I'm lamenting that things have to be this way. So to answer the previous entry's question, I guess I'm not huh? So I'd better do something about that then...

Getting My Bearings

I was fixing my blog when I came across the entry below... It was saved as a draft (dated May 17)... I remember being confused at that point in my life... confused about a lot of things ang about where I really want to be...

Now, with all that took place and all the blows I suffered from, I still am very much trying to get my bearings... And yet surprisingly, just when I was on my lowest, right down on my knees, things just started to sort themselves out.

Everyday these days I feel restoration. It's as if when I was at my darkest hour, someone threw me a rope just to pull me out of the place... Now, I could feel things starting to look up.

For several days now I would find myself suddenly jolted from whatever it is that I'm doing. It's when the reality of Niño's death would again hit me and I would start as if suddenly poked... I'd find myself shaking my head, as if I still could't believe that Niño is no longer with us and that he is not just at Empress tending our home there...

This morning, Bolo and I woke up early. We were supposed to spend some time alone for ourselves last night. But we decided to let Baby sleep first so we could go without a problem. What happened was that I woke up at 3 AM finding myself in my jeans still, Baby sleeping soundly beside me, and Bolo equally as "clueless." I woke him up with a sheepish grin and pointed at our jeans. We hastily refreshed ourselves and fully intended to change into pajamas when we found ourselves fully awake. So he changed into shorts and shirt, and prepared to go out to go to Mercury to buy Baby's milk.

When he was gone, I busied myself cleaning Baby's bottles and soaking in hot, soapy water the white blouse Baby "drew" pictures on with his chocolate ice cream the day before... When Bolo got back, we fed Baby milk and then prepared for an early morning walk to Bankerohan. He was intent about going on an ukay2x hunt.

Once there, we found several basketball shorts that reminded us so much of Niño. Not only once have he turned to me and said this or that would have fitted Niño well. I felt the urge to buy the shorts anyway. And for a while I thought to myself if it is alright to continue buying stuff for my brother as if he is still around. But of course, soon enough, sanity prevailed. Not to mention, practicality too. I guess for a while I'll be in such a state as I still grope with the reality of and my acceptance of my brother's death. I've been like this for a while during Papa's time. And I'm willing to sit it out for a while... I'm just really glad that generally, things are beginning to look up.

These days I took to tuning in to my collection of Gospel songs and even at youtube when I'm in the office. I guess that helped a lot... It is helping a lot... True indeed, God is always one's anchor in times of grief and sickness... He is ever present even in the most mundane details of my life, these days He makes His presence felt even more so and it's where I draw my strength from... Thank you, Father God.


***

Draft

I cringe everytime I hear that auto-sounding voice announcing, "Yahoo! Mail..." No, not exactly at that time but when I drag my eyes from what I'm doing to the lower-right-hand corner of the monitor and see this message -- "***** has just updated her friendster blog!"

It's not at all because I begrudge my friends' having the time to blog. In fact I enjoy reading their blogs during my spare time. It keeps me updated on how they are doing. Some blog even inspires me. The cringing part is because I feel I am being reminded to write, to see to it that I set aside time for myself and for introspection. I don't have to elaborate again why.

My previous entry was on the proverbial question of "Where am I?" Needless to say, I feel the need to constantly ask myself that question thus, the need for reflection. Asking that question is not even enough. This had to be coupled with -- "Am I where I want to be?"

Lost. There are times when I feel that way. There are times when I would pull myself from my present preoccupations and force myself to get my bearings, I would fail miserably. Meaning, I could not at all get my bearings. And I always hated that feeling.

For all my...err... being "dense" most of the time, I do want to be in control of my life. For sure, I wouldn't want to waste my time and my energies on things that don't matter at all or those of no importance. Life is short enough as it is...

Am I?

My Powerful Question for the week -- "Am I where I want to be?" I was arrested by the question and my reaction is telling me it had succeeded in hitting a chord within me somewhere.

A lot had happened over the period of one year. And "a lot" translates to having my hands full with all the responsibilities entrusted in my care. With a hectic schedule bugging my very existence, I never really had the time to sit down with myself and examine my feelings about the things that's happening with me.

Now I'm asking myself -- How am I? Am I where I want to be? How do I feel about being where I am right now? I know the answer is lurking here somewhere... And very soon I would have to set aside time for myself -- time to be alone and make an honest assessment of how things are. I owe that much to myself. After all, I don't want to wake up one day, be grey and old (order intended since i have grey hairs now though I'm not OLD yet hehehe), and realize I've gotten myself into a state I wouldn't want to be in.

Canibad, Island Garden City of Samal

Some of my officemates and I took advantage of the May 1 Labor Day holiday to go to Canibad in Samal Island. It was fun and the place was truly beautiful. Below are some of the pictures taken there. More can be found in my travel blog @ tataroadtrips!

In Limbo

In a somewhat irritated voice, B lectured me on seeing to it that our appointments don’t overlap with that of Baby’s feeding time. We had just been to see my OB and due to some developments, we stayed longer than expected.

I hear B’s lamentations fine and I agree with him. Of course I am as concerned as he is about Baby’s delayed feeding time but I could not bring myself to comment back. I was distracted, my mind is somewhere else.

I am almost two months delayed. While B and I had really been careful, we must have miscalculated somewhat thus the situation. We’ve been sitting it out for sometime thinking it is just delayed ovulation due to stress while at the same time considering that I could indeed be pregnant. So we took it a day at a time, the whole while taking precautions the way we would, should I indeed be pregnant. We bought vitamins, my milk and careful about lotions and other stuff.

The visit to the OB was for confirmation. We were thinking we’d settle everything once and for all. But instead of being clarified about the situation, the more we got confused thus my feeling distracted.

While my OB said my cervix looks fine, my uterus does not appear pregnant at all. Based from my LMP (last menstrual period) I should be around 11 weeks pregnant by now. However, the size of my uterus does not convey that at all. The Doppler had been used on me but we could not detect any heartbeat except mine. If I am indeed 11 weeks pregnant, the baby’s heartbeat could have already been detected by then.

An ultrasound was requested. As it is a Saturday and it was almost noon already, the hospital’s facility was already closed. A nearby clinic was suggested. But there were several patients ahead of me and since we had Baby to think of, we decided not to wait.

When we were about to leave my OB’s clinic, she pulled B aside and told him to be with me when we would talk about the ultrasound’s result. Earlier, I was candid enough to ask what could be the reason behind my uterus’ “stunted” growth. I asked if it could also be because there was something wrong with the baby, with it having no heartbeat “yet” and all. My OB’s response was calm. She answered me matter-of-factly maybe to dispel any worries I may have. She said it could indeed be delayed ovulation or, it could be that the baby “stopped” growing. She advised me about having the ultrasound soonest so we could have the whole thing over and done with.

I don’t know what to feel about the whole thing. I’m not sure if I ought to be relieved about the possibility of not being pregnant or be fearful for any complications I may have. In truth, I wasn’t exactly ecstatic when I got delayed. As it is, with Baby being past a year old, I am just about to get my groove back. Finally, I could get to do things I haven’t done while I was pregnant with Baby and nursing him when he finally came.

While B had been telling me he still wanted another baby and with elder adults telling us it is better not to wait that long to have another, I had been telling myself I am already pretty content with having just one child.

Oh, there were times I would rethink that though, reflecting on how tough it was for me being an only child. And yet, every time I would think about going through another ordeal of having a baby – the constant tiredness, the labor pain, having not enough time for yourself – I would immediately be convinced that having one child is enough.

And so I sit in limbo now. I would have to sit it out the entire weekend, trying not to think so much about it. I would have to readjust my schedule at work on Monday then, so I could have the ultrasound and visit my OB to show her the results. In truth, I don’t know what to pray for. I don’t know whether I should plead for an “unpregnant” result or to pray that all is well with the baby I might be carrying. Hmm… unplanned or not, this baby is still my child, a part of me, of course I love him/her and would want nothing but that all is well with him/her.

So hang on there Baby, grow steadily. Hope you are not feeling “unwanted” for the lack of euphoria I am feeling at the moment. Nanay is just tired, and have not adjusted fully after having your Kuya. Pretty soon, I’ll get over this feeling and will have all the time to relish on the experience of having you :)

I’m a Miranda

I took the test over at ABC.com’s “Grey’s Anatomy” site and was surprised to learn that I turn out to be a Miranda! Well, I certainly was surprised. I did not expect it in any way. I was kind of expecting to be an “Izzy” or a bit of a “Cristina” but Miranda? Really!

I told Candy who was also online over at YM and her reply was immediate. She called me – Nazi!!! That sure made me laugh. Nazi indeed. Hmm… now I’m wondering, am I really a Miranda? In truth I took the test twice and answered the second one as truthfully as I could and the outcome was the same. Duh!

Hmm… I wonder why my immediate reaction on the result was that of surprise. It tells me a great deal about myself. I mean, what was I thinking? My surprise meant I have a different view altogether of who I think I am.

So who do I think I am? What image do I have of myself then? Hmm… now that I’ve thought about it, I think I have this image of myself as a little bit of a “Burke,” someone who does his work well and conscientiously. Burke is the kind of person who is in touched with his feelings and is not afraid to express it. He is compassionate, kind, and self-possessed. Ah, that latter part, I know I could never lay a claim on that. Self-possessed… with the way things are, I think I still have a long way to go where that is concerned…

Some Agko Pix

Here are the some of the pictures we had during our recent trip to Lake Agko in Mt. Apo last Black Saturday. Someone must have made some resetting of the camera without my knowing. I was dismayed when I uploaded those that Bolo and I took and found them to be not good at all... There were a few salvageable ones but the rest were really bad. Anyways, these are from Jeni's camera. Some were taken by Bolo since he did not go for a dip at Agko thinking he would have to do the driving back home.

I want to relate more of the experience -- which I usually do -- but as most of the pictures are not in yet, I guess I would have to wait awhile. I'm busy too with work concerns, my training being next week already. There are a lot of things that needed my attention at the moment.

So here goes:








The above photos were taken inside the van. Note how Bolo and Baby are both wearing red shirts. Even Towi was in red. Tita Ninang was wearing a red shirt too but changed when Jeni told her in jest that she would have to sit next to Bolo since seating arrangements are color-coded. hehehehe

As for our faces, those are mudpacks hehehe Facial ala "Apo Essence" :) When we got to the mud lake, we found several persons there who were sporting this special facial mask. One pointed out to us where we could get the "concoction." It's a good thing since I was already eyeing the mud close to where we were crouching on. It was at the spot where the cold spring meets the hot stream coming from the very hot mud lake. That would have been embarrassing hehehe

Bolo was kind enough to get us some and so off we "lathered" our faces :) Baby sure had fun playing with the water. He playfully splashed jeni and showered her with pebbles hehehe

The Evolution of Dancing

Jeni shared the following link to me and I must say I really love it! It is so funny hehehe. So here's sharing it with you :)

Apo

Earlier this afternoon, Bolo leaned to me and pointed out two acquaintances of his carrying big packs on their back, looking every bit the mountaineers they are. We were on our way out of Kidapawan City. Compared to them, we were...err... very "neatly" dressed, and snuggly seated inside Jeni's uncle's van. It's a long story, how we got there. But, I certainly am pleased to have found myself in Apo's midst despite all the odds.

Last Wednesday, Bolo and I went to Baby's pedia for his immunization shot. We were there for another reason though. We wanted to ask his "blessings" for what would be Baby's first "mountain experience." We were quite vague the first time we asked if it's okay to have Baby climb a mountain. When he asked, "Which mountain?" I knew there's no beating around the bush with him anymore. When we replied, "Apo," his response was quick -- "Ay huwag muna! Baka di niya kayanin ang lamig doon!" (Oh! Not yet! He might not be able to stand the cold .)

We knew that was coming so while we were a bit disappointed by his response, we were somewhat prepared for it already. Well, in truth, I knew Bolo and I were both "relieved" somewhat to hear what he said. Relieved since it gave us an excuse not to go altogether.

If truth be told, we are hardly prepared to drag Baby all the way to Apo's peak. As Bolo would put it -- it meant we would have to bring gallons upon gallons of distilled water for his feeding needs alone. On top of that, we would have to spend some extra time in the morning to sterilize his bottles. Either that or we buy extra bottles to meet the "16 bottles" requirement of a 4-day stay in the mountains. We would have to sterilize the 16 bottles prior to the climb, have them individually wrapped, very securely, to ensure non-contamination. Imagine all of that!

I knew the thought alone was giving Bolo the horrors. So while he was indulgent in having me talk about "alternatives" and possible "strategies" to make it a lot easier for us to tag Baby along, I knew his decision would be -- us not going at all...

I was asleep while we were on our way down from Lake Agko (yup, we've been to Apo after all but not in the way we would have wanted it to be), so I hardly noticed we were already in Kidapawan and stopping by to purchase its really...hmm... "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" garlic bread. Ay! Believe me, it was that good! Thanks to Jeni, now I know where to find the best tasting garlic bread I've ever had. I'll keep this particular information at the back of my head for reference during future trips to that part of Mindanao.

Anyway, Bolo must have found some time to chat with some mountaineers who were also on their way home. Because when he spotted those acquaintances of his, he shared to me how they're a couple and that they left their son at home so they could go to Apo. His tone imply that he found the whole thing... incredulous! Hehehe when he told me that, I turned from him to look at Baby Bolets who is nestled contentedly in his lap and who is "gurgling" happily away as he looks at everything that he sees outside the window.

I know I could never fault any couple who might want some time for themselves... those who would want to indulge in what they both love to do as a couple sans the kids who would have to be momentarily left at home in order for them to do just that. But, I sure felt happy to note that Bolo shared my feeling that it's not worth going anywhere without Baby around.

Oh, Bolo and I do set aside some time for ourselves. Once a month or so, we would watch movies together, just the two of us... Sometimes we would sneak a few hours away from Baby to spend some time alone together, visiting a favorite bar and enjoying a couple of drinks... But both of us, to be gone four days in a row?

At the moment, it is really unthinkable for us. We both knew we wouldn't enjoy any long trips anyway, having to constantly worry about Baby. While we both recognize that in order for us to strengthen our relationship the more, he and I should set aside some "couple-time" for us... we also acknowledge the fact that when Baby became a part of our lives, we embraced him with all of our hearts and readily rearranged our lives to include him.

It's hard to explain really... It's just that we strongly feel about having Baby with us constantly... Oh of course, Bolo has his personal time too to spend with his friends and so do I (though I hardly take any hehehe). It's just that it is difficult for either of us to be apart from Baby for so long. We would easily miss him. Bolo had been on a four-day trekking trip once. And on the fourth day, he was like ready to fly back home...

Yeah, we are certainly that attached to Baby. Once Bolo and I examined our feelings on the matter and we both agreed that the reason behind this is that, we knew the time would come when Baby would be fully grown up and would be wanting some time for himself. We knew that a few years down the line, Baby would prefer to have the company of his friends over ours. So we're like taking advantage of the time when he thinks we are his world... as selfish as that may sound... As it is, he is growing up very fast before our very eyes...

Oh, Baby, if your Tatay and I could only express how much we love you... there wouldn't be enough blog space to write everything on :)

Saying Hello Again

Finally, here's a break in the "goodbye" posts. Dane's flight to Dubai was at 11:30 AM yesterday, Sunday. At around that time, I arrived at Paradise Island with Bolo, Baby and Janine to meet up with Candy and Durly. Yup, Durly and her family is in town for a vacation. They are going to be here for a week.

It's been what? 5 years, since Durly left for Manila? Maybe even more. I remember we had a Christmas-Party-cum-Despedida at their house in Mandug. Candy was still very much pregnant with Asia then, her second child. China was a mere toddler. Durly's daughter then -- Lei -- was I think barely 1 year old. Now all kids are grown. Durly now has a 3-year-old son and I have a son of my own. How time flies and how life evolves. It seems only yesterday when we would sit in the 2nd floor "stairwell" in Ateneo, exchanging notes and agonizing over our grades in Calculus. Now, we're all faced with a hurdle of a different sort -- that of married life and being full-fledged adults.

I remember one conversation I had with Candy over YM (yeah, conversations nowadays are coursed through YM and not over coffee and cake. there's just barely enough time left for such get-togethers. YM, on the other hand, are right in our own bedrooms... and err.. desk at the office hehehe). We were lamenting how this time, things like paying the bills, sustaining our family's needs, being in-charge with "adult" stuffs are no longer the concerns of our parents but our own. If before, we are always at the receiving end, now it is our turn to do the providing. And we're finding out how difficult it can be. Well, adulthood sure sucks hehehe

Come to think of it, it's funny how before we all can't wait to be adults. We always hated it when we could not do our own thing, we had to undergo the agony of having to ask permission only to be turned down by our parents. Little did we know that great responsibilities come with such "freedom" too. Looking back, I think I would give up to be a kid again and be free from all these worries hehehe

Baby just came in, dressed in his complete England jersey uniform and playfully handed to me his soccer ball. He turned to me with his ever-present beaming smile and "gurgled" something he only could understand. I guess God just delivered me a message right there hehehe So okay, I take that back, adulthood is not really that bad hehehe

But anyway, it sure was fun seeing Durly again. We are set to meet on Wednesday for a dinner get-together. Hopefully other classmates could get to join us =) Below are some of the pictures we had at Paradise.

Dane's Despedida

This blog is starting to be like a "saying goodbye" station for all my entries about close friends' sojourn to greener pastures. I refuse to think it has got something to do with the upcoming elections and what a joke it's turning out to be. I don't like to think everyone is assuming the country's got nothing but a bleak future up ahead and so the desire to jump ship while they still can... I don't like to think about that because that's an entirely different matter to muse about and should be a different entry altogether...

My clock reads, 1:51 AM. I'm sleepy and tired but I'm trying to get my brain to cool off as it is still very much awake...

Tonight's "despedida" took several days of planning and meeting with Candy. For Bolo and I it was such a big project since we are hosting it hehe Well, for all his participation I think Bolo really did take it too seriously. Why, he certainly "made a career" out of it.

The night before the big day, Bolo slept real late just to clean up around the house. Our freshly laundered clothes -- which practically takes forever to be folded up and kept in their respective station in our cabinets -- got tidied up and tucked away in a 3-hour record time. That's quite a feat alright considering how it is a common sight to walk in the second bedroom and see pile upon pile of clothes and clean blankets thrown casually over the bed. It had been a common practice of Bolo and I to sort out through the "rubbish" the things we needed to wear, iron them and let the rest lie where they are hehehe.

I'm not in the least proud of this but Bolo and I just don't have the time to deal with the matter hehehe Made to choose between spending time with Baby, the other hundred things to do around the house and that... I guess tidying laundered clothes takes the least priority.

Anyway, enough of the laundry hehehe I certainly am digressing here. My point is, Bolo certainly rolled up his sleeves and made Dane's despedida a very important project of his. He woke up early, did the marketing, mopped the floors, cooked the pasta (2 kinds at that) and the salsa, and prepared everything. (I really could not thank you enough B. Thank you so much for all the help and all the importance you've shown my friends.)

Moi? Well, I watched Baby who kept us awake the night before also because of a fever, did my work, and made a special video for Dane. Well, I had had my hands full also but of course it was nothing to all that Bolo did.

But it sure was a fun night. Knowing Dane, everything was light and well... funny. Half of me however was thinking, it'll probably a long time before I'll see these two good friends again... Even now as I sit here I can't help but be emotional about the whole thing. Especially when I remember all those times we spent with Dane and then eventually with Bong too.

Dane and Bong were our "wedding coordinators" and "pro bono" at that. Not only that, she had paid for my bouquet as well. "Kapalmuks " I sure am huh? hehehe Maybe this is also the reason why Bolo took everything seriously. After all, it's the least we can do...

When it was time for Baby's first birthday, Dane was there as well, helping me out in the planning... But yeah, Dane is such a generous person. As Candy would put it, she is very generous not just with money but even with her time...

Oh Dane, for sure we are really going to miss you. As it is, it all seems so surreal that you're finally going to leave us. It's making Candy and I really, really sad hehe We could have hugged you you know, earlier. But I guess we were never really the "showy" type. This may sound cheesy I know but we do love you and your leaving is something that is not quite that easy to accept :) I guess meeting up with college friends now wouldn't be the same without your sarcastic comments and jabs hehehe Sigh. Spending time with you guys and with Bong was something I've always looked forward to in the past. Because I'm sure I'll be spending the whole time laughing... I'm thankful that we had those moments... even that one time in Apo. Good luck friend. Hope to see you guys again real soon... But not so soon least we'll take you away from chasing all your dreams. Just don't take too long though. You're leaving some orphaned friends over here :) Here's giving you one, big, tight hug friend... We miss you already.

Chie-Chay

I sit here now with a heavy heart knowing I've set aside doing something really important again... What was the excuse? I was busy preparing for a training at work... I was overtaken by "familial obligations" yet again... Both "excuses" sound plausible enough to me... They are after all equally important. And yet, why do I feel so empty at the moment? Why do I feel as if I did not try my best hard enough to do that which needed to be done?

An old friend is on her way to the airport... to seek out greener pastures... perhaps to go chase her dreams and to find herself...

Luchie is a dear, old "kababata." We practically grew up together. I couldn't count the Christmases and the New Years we've spent crouching at their veranda or by their doorstep exchanging gifts and catching up on things. There were a few years of that spent lamenting about our old loves haha! At that time we were both trying our best to get over our...err... first loves :) We were so young then, so naive. We thought childhood flames are meant to last forever. What do we know about relationships then? Oh well, but they were "great" loves... so pure and innocent... Something that hinges on "magic" and "happily-ever-afters..."

Over the years, I guess we slowly drifted apart... We pursued different careers and each were equally time consuming. There were times we'd missed each other by mere days. I'll be in Manila just when she's about to go back to Davao. Or that she'd be in Iloilo or Cebu three weeks ahead of my own schedule... Yet, somehow, we have managed to keep in touch every now and then. Sometimes out of the blue, we'll text each other and arrange to do our "grocerying" together, or have both our hair done as we both share a hairdresser.

There was a time when I managed to tag her along during a weekend trip to Tudaya. It was a very tiring trek and something she is not used to doing at all -- riding on a truck loaded with vegetables, trudging through mud, even almost falling off a cliff (I still thank God and our angels for sparing her that fall upto now) -- but she gamely did all the things that my friends and I did.

I guess we really just stopped seeing each other that often when I had given birth to Baby. I rarely had enough time to go out then. And I suspect she had been busy with a "new" relationship at that time as well. I let her be... I could very well understand that part. I had also been real "preoccupied" during my three-year long relationship with Bolo.

When I learned that she is leaving, I had fully intended to spend some time with her if only to catch up a little and to give her the "Traveler's Prayer Book" I have been eying for some time at a local bookstore... I just felt that she needed it, although we haven't really had the chance to talk about how she is lately. Yet again, work and other things intervened... or so I try to tell myself to quell the heavy feeling I feel inside...

I know Luchie well, even if we don't get to talk that much lately. Without her detailing to me everything, I know from the little bits she told me, what she must have been going through the past year. And my heart reaches out to her. Right now I'm longing for the times when we were both so young and so idealistic, discussing about how life and relationships should be. I missed the times we would spend hours dissecting the works of Anne Rice and eventually that of Paolo Coelho... Life was so much simpler then, much less complicated...

So long Chichay :) I'm sure during those times we've spent talking we've never really realized that life would turn out to be the way it had now... Yet looking back, it wasn't really that bad huh? We turn out pretty okay... You and I had to beat some odds through college. I've seen how you worked so hard even if the demands of your work had started to become unbearable... So I'm sure there is nothing left but for you to reap on all the returns that is due you :) So never lose faith. I'm sure the best is yet to come. Good luck, friend. Am praying for you.

Spring Cleaning

It's 3:33 AM in my watch and here I am trying to unwind from all the work we had. Bolo and I cleaned up the "bodega" room. Needless to say, there were a lot of setting things in order and dusting up to do.

Well, seeing how the room now looks real tidy and livable -- enough that it could be offered as a guest room when relatives come over -- I think all our efforts have certainly paid off, being sleepless notwithstanding. Good thing tomorrow is a holiday so I could sleep till late in the morning hehehe

Tomorrow -- make that today -- is gonna be the the city's celebration of it's Charter Day. I think its 70th. I'm not sure though. Bolo's been very game about spending the entire day with us tomorrow. A part of me is hoping I could take some good pictures during tomorrow's grand parade but considering having to tag Baby along, I guess that is out of the question... Not real sorry though. These days, what's important to me is spending some quality time with Baby and Bolo. And it doesn't matter much where we spend it, as long as there's just the three of us enjoying each other's presence.

On that note, I remember musing a little while ago while I sat in the middle of the dust-infested, litter-everywhere room, how intoxicated I am with my present state of life. I realized, considering all that I've been doing lately, it seems my entire being is entirely centered on my being a Mom and a wife. Apparently, it would seem, everything else plays second fiddle.

Even my time for introspection revolves around the realities I'm sharing with my son and my other-"whole" (who ever coined the term -- other-half! Half indeed! Hmp! hehehe) Bah... that should not be so... While I love them both so much, I should not lose sight of the fact that all these are temporal in life... and these are attachments that could very well make me lose sight of far more deeper realities -- that above everything else, I am a soul... And I know exactly what that means...

On Conflict, Understanding and Making Up

This morning, I woke up to Bolo’s snuggling up to me and whispering, “In love man gyud ta isa’t-isa B noh?” (We must really be in love with each other, are we not?” Then he whispered again so softly, “I love you so much B. I could not bear the thought of losing you.” It was spoken so softly I had to ask him to repeat what he said.

What a way to wake up to huh? We had a spat again yesterday. Yeah, again. And again it was quite…well… “fiery.” But as fast as the flames erupted, we were also able to resolve it immediately. Nonetheless, the episode left me drained for the entire morning.

When we were both rational enough to sift through the hurting words and discuss the issue at hand, we were both dismayed to discover that what each one was fighting for is really valid. I mean, the whole thing was really just a case of misunderstanding.

Well, he refused to do something for me, citing Baby as an excuse. That did not sit well with me however, noting how he could flit off whenever and wherever he wanted to regardless of his having to tag Baby along. His excuse created an opportunity for me to harp on how he could always jump at the chance to help other people and yet be less charitable towards his family who should matter the most.

To dissect through all the rubbish talk, the whole issue was really like this – (a) Obviously, I certainly have an issue about him being always eager to go out with his friends than being with me; (b) He hates the fact that I’m curtailing his freedom to flit off and have some time for himself; (c) The real reason why he’s refusing really is that he’s not confident about facing doctors and nurses who might ask him things he knew nothing of.

That was it really. It’s just that we have certain issues we haven’t really openly discussed with each other yet. So, with the slightest trigger, those issues rose right up to the surface and so another skirmish began…

When I learned about how the thought of asking for medical records and being asked something he might not be able to answer properly is leaving him feeling incompetent and fearful, my temper deflated like a balloon pricked by a needle. My anger evaporated like smoke. It was replaced with understanding and well, compassion. I mean, sure I could understand that. I also feel the same way when I’m being asked to handle something I feel is way beyond my ken. So his excuse is valid really. I was still smarting from the argument but I mellowed down a bit and chided him for not voicing out his real concern.

When everything was threshed out and we found out each other’s claims are really valid, I felt sorry we had to go through all those nonsense, had to say hurtful things to each other just because we had our signals crossed. Isn’t that a pity? Not to mention, such a waste of energy too.

I sit here now and think, what if in the exchange of words we managed to hurt each other so much that we were not able to discuss things rationally? What could have happened? We'd go on individually nursing our bruised pride and harboring ill feelings towards each other? What if he and I focused on the hurtful words and refused to look past them to find out what the real issue is? What then?

How many times did it happen that we say hurtful things to each other in the heat of the moment? And why is that? Reflecting on the matter, I think it’s a kind of a defense really. One hurl out hurtful things to mask the fact that the other had managed to hurt your feelings. It’s all pride talking really. (No wonder, pride is cited as one of the capital sins. I always wondered about that when I first encountered the word in grade school… I was trying so hard to understand each cited venial and capital sin to avoid committing them, lest I will not go to heaven hehehe Those were the days… And I thought life was already so complicated then hehehe what does a seven-year-old kid know, anyway? Hehehe)

But back to the future… 2o++ years after hehehe… I am discovering about how destructive pride could be… And it’s really a no way to be. That is, if you really value your relationships…

Good thing about Bolo and I -- while we are both passionate, hard-headed, stubborn individuals – we are quick at drawing up from the very core that holds this relationship together and that is our love for each other.

Really, when you are in a middle of a conflict, it is so easy to cling on one’s pride to the detriment of each other. There is always the tendency to just focus on the hurtful words that was said and not on the underlying issue behind it. It’s sad really since if one would just try to understand where the other is coming from then it is also a lot easier to iron out the conflict at hand…

Sometimes I would think, why not avoid conflict altogether by immediately trying to understand where the other is coming from. But that’s reality. Conflicts indeed arise. Every relationship goes through it. And more often than not, the “understanding” does not come that easily while temper and anger can be set off, even with the slightest excuse. Yeah, come to think of it, “understanding” is more difficult. Both partners had to work at it. Anger and temper on the other hand, could come so easily. So I guess, it really takes commitment to try and understand each other in a partnership. A part of me is quick to add – you’ve got to have the love too.

Oh well, marriage is not just a bed of roses alright. I knew that even then – cerebrally. Now I know about it “bodysoulfully” hehehe since I’m living right through it. I’ll admit, it could be quite taxing, having to go through conflict. It could be pretty draining. And Bolo and I have talked about that already. So we’re like trying to avoid going through similar episodes. Well, we’re working at it. I’m praying we would be able to build more on what really sustains our relationship than on what could only destroy it. Because, as Mama pointed out to me – I have a wonderful husband who puts up with me and my tantrums and my selfishness. She said I would not be able to find another one like him… I love you B.

For My Little One

credits to: newschiz

I'd Give My Life For You/

You who i cradled in my arms
You asking as little as you can
Little snip of a little man
I know i'd give my life for you

You didn't ask me to be born
You why should you learn of war or pain?
To make sure you're not hurt again
I swear I'd give my life for you

I've tasted love beyond all fear
And you should know it's love
that brought you here
And in one perfect night
when the stars burned like new,
I knew what I must do

I'll give you a million things I'll never own
I'll give you a world to conquer when you're grown
You will be who you want to be
You, can choose whatever heaven grants
As long as you can have your chance
I swear I'll give my life for you

Sometimes I wake up
reaching for him
I feel his shadow brush my head
But there's just moonlight on my bed

Was he a ghost was he a lie?
That made my body laugh and cry?
Then by my side the proof i see
his little one, gods of the sun,
bring him to me!

You will be who you want to be
You, can choose whatever heaven grants
As long as you can have your chance
I swear i'll give my life for you

No one can stop what i must do
I swear i'll give my life for you!

Nudged, Once Again

The finest sensual things in life -- delicious food,

beautiful music and exquisite fabrics, for instance --

all require time to create. So remember

that there is a direct correlation between time spent on a
project

and the overall quality of the outcome.

If you want to rush through things today

and do the bare minimum, that is your choice to make.

But you need to be aware of the consequences.

Taking shortcuts may save you time,

but will it give you complete satisfaction?

Above reads my horroscope for the day. And for once I just want to keep still to let all the words really sink in and settle on my being...

Correlation between time and quality of outcome... beautiful music... the finest silk... genuine work of art... a winning proposal... love-wrought relationships...

Loving Remotely

This is the second time I’ve done this – “virtually” watching baby over at a corner of my monitor screen. Bolo is broadcasting him via webcam. He needed to attend to the washing machine downstairs, taking advantage while Baby is sleeping. His instruction was to give him a ring the second Baby stirs and shows sign of waking up. The wonders of technology huh? :)

In truth, I’m really tickled by this :) I mean, isn’t this cute? “Remote” babysitting? Hehehe But it feels good to still have a part in tending to Baby despite my not being physically there. It’s really amazing, I could actually see him breathing while he sleeps!

Ah, I really love my baby and my husband too for all that he has done for both Baby and I. Truly feel so blessed. I told him as much last night… But that would have to wait. I still have work to do hehehe

42:25

It was probably my worst time ever hehehe The first time I joined a 5K run I clocked in 32:25 which was not bad really. The second time, I clocked in 26:22 which earned me the third place in the women’s category. That was in 2002 at the Emcor Fun Run. After that, my time would run between 25:00 and 29:00. Ah there was a time I clocked in 30:00ish but that was because I had fever then hehehe When Bolo found out (He was in an Island Congress then so was not able to accompany me.), he scolded me no end. He told me there was nothing healthy about it at all. That sobered me up. I realized it defeated the very purpose why I was joining the runs in the first place. I guess it had become sort of a competition again. With myself that is because I was constantly trying to improve on my personal time.

Two to three Sundays ago – I think – I participated again in a fun run after a year of not doing so. Well, August of last year I joined a race and that was even way, way tougher than a 5k run. But anyway, so I did participate in a 5K run again and clocked in my worst time ever :)

Actually, I wasn’t on my own. Ava, an office mate, informed me about the run and urged me to participate with her. And of course, as expected, Bolo joined me.

In the light of my year long “inactivity,” Bolo’s been telling me to take it real slow. He cautioned about me pushing myself again. So I guess I was already somewhat expecting a real low clock time but I guess I did not expect it to be that bad though hehehe I guess I was a bit disappointed especially when I remembered making a 10K run in just a little over that time.

In truth though, I was more grateful for the experience than anything. I felt satisfied I’m up and about again. I’m looking forward to more of the same :)

Rubber shoes (A New Addition to the Team)

I've been looking for a photo file for a report I'm making when I came across the above picture. It sure did made me smile. I think it's cute. Before, there used to be just mine and Bolo's rubber shoes stumbling upon one another in a corner of our house. Now, we have this cute, little pair of shoes thrown in.

Having the lifestyle (before that is hehehe), Bolo and I have quite more than a few pairs. I own the most pairs -- 7 (TNF for hiking, 3 Hitec pairs (hiking, aqua, squash), Nike, NB All-Terrain, and a pair of pink Atmosphere for "anyday" use). There would have been an 8th pair -- a red and brown LA Gear sneaker-type (Which reminds me, I love that pair huhuhu It had been a constant companion. It was with me during my Bohol tour and it had been with me to the peak of Taal huhuhu) -- that I have given away to Bolo's sister.

If it had not been to Bolo's prodding I probably would have held onto that one hehehe But he did point out that I do not get to wear them much anyway. That -- and discovering a Nike pair with a busted heel due to a long time of being unused -- convinced me to part with it.

It's not so much that I love rubber shoes. Hehehe Ok, I do. I also admit that if I'd be less practical and give in to my whim, I'd probably be owning a lot more. For years I'd been eyeing a Lacoste pair, and a Clickers, and a new NB sneakers, hehehe But always, my sanity and practicality prevailed. I think the only thing that held me back in buying the Lacoste and the Clickers was the price. It was way, way too much. I mean, I wouldn't mind blowing away a good sum of money for a pair of hiking shoes (The TNF pair cost me an arm and a leg huhuhu). But for a pair of sneakers I would not be able to wear much anyway (I could hardly wear one to the office), I think it's only practical to let the "infatuation" die before it blooms further hehehe Especially now with Baby to think of.

Hmm... besides, I had the most pair only because some of them were given to me as gifts. The orange aqua Hitec was a gift of Bolo's. (It's a current favorite) Although I think he gave it to me only because it was my size and wouldn't fit him hehehe Just kidding, B. The white Squash Hitec (shown in the picture) was Ate's pasalubong to me when she arrived from UK last year. The pink Atmosphere and the Nike, likewise. So there.

Bolo could have had a few also if only he's not fond of giving his stuff away. He gave his Merrel to my brother and his other one to his father. Now, he's left with just one -- the Salomon pair shown in the picture above. Hmm... I know he's probably wanting to buy a new pair but we're a bit tight as of the moment. But I think with the summer climbing season just around the bend, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd cut away some corners just to buy a good pair soon.

But really, everytime I come across Baby’s rubber shoes – he has two cute Nike pairs, also gifts from Ate – I can’t help but smile. It’s like I could almost picture Baby becoming a part of that aspect of mine and Bolo’s life that spells R.U.N.S. and the outdoor life. Oh, I dream about that. I dream about him joining us one of these days. As it is, he is already a constant travel companion no matter how inconvenient it may be for us. But of course, we could hardly just leave him. And I take that back, Baby is never an inconvenience.

Bolo and I share the feeling that we are not complete if Baby is not with us. We both balk at the thought of going somewhere “fun” and not bringing along Baby with us. Besides it hardly is fun if he is not around. These days, Baby is a constant source of joy for both of us. Everyday he’s showing us his new learned “tricks” and we’re like ready to burst with too much happiness.

Lately there were possibilities of going to Kinabalu, even Kanlaon, but we're like holding ourselves back. Both trips are something we've always wanted to take but both trips are also something that Baby could not tag along with. So, for now, we're saying no on those kind of trips. No regrets though. There would always be time for that.

The above photo was taken while we were in Bantayan Island. Bolo must have found having our shoes aligned like that with Baby’s thrown in, really cute thus he took a snap shot of it. Well, it looks like there’s a new addition to the team alright :) It looks as if future "B" Team ’s engagements would include trudging along this tiny, little bundle of delight...

I’m sitting here and I’m thinking, I never knew I had dreamt of such a life. Oh, I remember thinking before how I’d love to have a family of my own but I could not remember ever dreaming about having a little one to share mine and a husband’s passion on things. Now that I’m living such a life, I feel as if I am living a dream I’ve always had in my heart. Baby’s making my life more complete than I could ever imagine. He’s a welcome addition to what Bolo and I have found in each other.

So, come on in, my little one. You’ve proven to be such a joy to your Tatay and I. Let both of us return the favor by showing you, making you, a part of what we love about life. Come and join us in our adventures :)

Nudged, Lovingly...

Bah! Talk about being slapped in the face. That is how I feel at the moment, having just opened my “Your Powerful Question for the Week” email. The question for this week reads – “If not now, when?”

It was a slap in the face alright. Since definitely I’ve been putting off doing some things that are really important. Sigh, lately, I’m really guilty of being… complacent? I’m not sure if that’s the word to describe it, but I sure am conducting life in an “unhurried” way lately… It’s as if I have no cares in the world.

No, I take that back, it’s not really true. The truth is, the only thing I’m guilty of is reordering my priorities. I’m spending more time with my family and for myself. Right now, I’m playing with Baby more, spending some time with Bolo more, resting more… These days, I’m normally glued to my computer, fixing my blog, posting, and browsing.

I think it’s funny considering I was never a “browsing” type of person really. Oh, I use the internet a lot, mind you. But mostly, it is for checking my mails, posting mails, and yes, for blogging too. The latter usually takes much of my time. But that’s it. I don’t even make a habit of checking my friendster hehehe. Yet lately, there I was just browsing. Before I knew it, a whole afternoon had gone by and I have not really accomplished a lot.

It’s even funny how Bolo caught on with it. Last night, I was surprised to see him browsing the net. I mean, before, he wouldn’t even touch the computer even just to browse for the files I needed. Now, he’s like “strolling” all over the whole wide world of the internet :) I think it’s cute though and I like the fact that he’s doing it on his own and that he’s not afraid of trying out new things at all.

Accomplished a lot. Hmm… I guess this is where the “conflict” arises really. It seems that “accomplishment” is always placed along-side doing something for work. How about if one does something for the family. Isn’t spending some time with your family can also be considered as an “accomplishment?” How come we never view it as such?

Ah… but still, I feel that I deserved the “slapping” I got from reading the question. There are some things I’m putting off doing. It’s high time that I face them now and finish them. In fact, I should hurry along accomplishing them so I could spend more time for myself and my family.

It just occurred to me -- we do indeed have a nurturing universe – one that never fails to check us, put us in our place whenever there is a need to. I certainly feel that I’ve just been checked, nudged to move on to the right direction. I am grateful that I am at a certain degree of “wakefulness” to have “caught” the message. I am grateful that I am aware enough to know that I am being checked. Because, it meant, I would have to respond accordingly.

Thank you, Father God, for caring enough to correct me whenever I needed to be corrected. I certainly felt treasured and loved. It meant You are really faithful in continuing Your work with me. Certainly, I still am very much a work in progress. I pray You’ll never tire with me despite my being stubborn at times...

Hmm… I wish I could also be such a parent to Baby, that I will never tire in making sure he’s growing up, moving towards his own becoming the right way…

Crazy Over K Stories (Searching for Full House)

Credits to: astralyz who posted this over at youTube.

For some time now, I’ve been having an affair with Korean Telenovelas. No, I’m not so crazy about it enough to want to have a copy of everything there is in the market. My preferences lean towards the funny ones – comedy-romance.

I remember watching a very poor VCD copy of “Sassy Girl” (the movie not the telenovela) in 2005 and I guess it made quite an impression on me. It was a very poor copy alright where some scenes would just freeze and refuse to budge for some time but I stuck with it till the end. It was that good. And that started it for me, I guess.

I was on my maternity leave when I stumbled upon, “First Love of a Royal Prince.” It starred the male lead of the Sassy Movie so I got stuck with it. It became an afternoon habit. I got so hung up on it that I even took to bringing with me a cousin’s palm-size TV to the office by the time I got back to work at the end of my leave. It was already on its last two weeks episodes then and it was quite a shame to pass it all up. I ended up peering at it during my afternoon coffee breaks.

I bought my first DVD only August of last year – “My Girl.” It was not even for me. Bolo was so crazy about the series that I bought him a copy when I chanced upon it one time. It was a mistake.

There are about 16 episodes in one DVD which is the entire series already. They would run that whole thing as a TV soap, for what, two months? Mondays thru Fridays? Imagine wanting to compress that 2 months worth of airing time in one sitting because the story line is developing so well you would be loathe not to continue watching it? Bah, it was virtually impossible. I would not accomplish anything every weekend as I would just be sitting there glued to the TV, catching up on where I left off.

After “My Girl,” I bought “Kim Sam Soon” last October. I went through the cycle all-over again – really late nights and unproductive weekends. I remember telling a friend I don’t know what it is about the stories that appealed to me so much. It’s like falling in love really hehehe There is something about the significant other that you like so much but could not quite put a finger to. The same applies for the KTs I bought. I guess it was how these stories are presented – quite simply.

Compared to our telenovelas, KTs have less complicated plots. I mean they don’t start out with a mother losing a baby at birth and thus the husband or some close kin would have to resort to some baby-switching to amend the situation. I swear, “baby-switching” has like become a formula already in making telenovelas in this country. If it is not the main plot, then it is a sub-plot.

KTs, on the other hand, are simpler. They also present situations for their characters realistically. And, to top it all, they are light to watch unlike ours wherein you would normally see the main character crying all the time. No censure here though.

By November I bought “Lovestory in Harvard.” It was also good but I still liked “Kim” better. Then I chanced upon “Full House.” It was like watching “Kim” all over again. I really enjoyed it. So imagine watching that and you are well on your 9th episode already when halfway-through the tape would suddenly take you all the way back to the first episode. Yeah it sure sucked.

For a month I was like suffering from withdrawal symptoms hahaha I can’t stop thinking about the series and wondering what comes after episode 9 hehehe And so for a month I searched and searched everywhere but still could not find a copy. I even asked around if there is a way I could order a copy. I was that crazy about it.

Last December 28th Bolo and I went to the market to buy some fruits in advance. We knew the prices of which will skyrocket in the following days. Anyways, in view of my obsession, I told Bolo I will be dropping by a nearby store that sells DVDs. He accompanied me anyway. I knew it was a waste of time but I wanted to take my chances.

I was right, of all the stalls there, not a single one had a copy of Full House. To ease my disappointment, I settled to buy another one of Kim Rae Won’s – “Which Star Are You From?” The title sounded cheesy I know hehehe But hey, Rae Won is the lead star and I’ve seen him before and liked him so…

But guess what? When we reached home, Bolo told me he had a gift for me for New Year and that I’ll get it on the eve of the 31st. My response was instantaneous – I shrieked in excitement hehehe

I know Bolo well. He’s not one who’s good at surprises. He could never contain himself. More often, he would be too pleased with himself and too happy for the person he wanted to surprise that he could hardly wait for the perfect timing. So I immediately knew he was able to buy a copy of Full House hehehe And I was so right too! :)

The above clip, I chanced upon YouTube while browsing this afternoon. I couldn’t believe I wasted an entire afternoon chasing one OST to the next hehehe I sure had fun though. This particular clip is from Kim Sam Soon and one of my favorites scenes. This, by the way, is also a favorite song of mine.