Anibersaryo

Bah! How time flies. Last July 9 Bolo and I celebrated our second year anniversary. Yeah, just the second year. So it seems we still have quite a few more years to hurdle before we get past the so-called "seven-year-itch."

We went to hear the noon Mass at St. Paul with Baby. Next, we went to the in-laws to see if you could leave Baby so we could watch a movie. It wasn't planned at all but we really wanted to see "Transformers" so we made a time for it. We're glad we did. It sure was a nice way to start our "celebration." It sure did lift our spirits up. As most of my friends tell me, it is indeed a great movie. So much so that well into the movie, Bolo turned to me to hug me and tell me that what a great anniversary we're having. Haha!

After that we went to pick Baby and Loren up at Wonderland haha! It sure is very expensive for us to watch a movie these days. It meant spending money for Baby's 3 hours stay at wonderland. We're not sorry though since not only does it buy Bolo and I time for ourselves, Baby also get to interact with other kids. We were expecting we'll find him quite "wilted" already after three hours but there he was in such high spirits. We were already on our way down the escalator and he was still jumping and shouting in delight. Hmm... he takes after his Tatay in that aspect. Being around people energizes Bolo. Baby seems that way too. In my case, it's the opposite. It usually tires me being around so much people especially if the occasion calls for me to interact with all of them hehehe

We had intended to have dinner at our fave Italian Resto but since it was too early yet for dinner, we agreed to eat over at Red Ribbon instead. Also, to treat Loren for being such a dear again and agreeing to watch over Baby for three hours.

By the time we were through at Red Ribbon, Bolo and I were not so eager for the dinner anymore. We're kind of thinking about Mama and Mama Fely waiting for us at home too. So we shelved the plan and thought about just bringing food at home. So we bought lechon. I know, lechon! Haha!

Bolo and I are always wary about spending our money for meat. Every now and then though we make the effort for the family. It turned out they also prepared some "feast" for us at home. They prepared fish for us. So Mama Fely kind of laughed when she found out we bought lechon.

After dinner though Bolo and I went out for the massage we both planned of having for that day. Kind of our treat to each other. Perhaps , to erase all the tensions and worries we had acquired after being married to each other for two years! Haha!

A lot had happened in the last two years... And I must admit they were not always good... Still, I think it's a blessing we've gone this far and are still together... And yeah, there were a lot of blessings too. We still get to travel every now and then and still get to do stuff we both love to do... I pray that more blessings will come and that there'll be more years for us to celebrate our anniversary together... Happy Anniversary B...

Mayon in the Twilight

With the first day of training successfully concluded, Juliet, Te Mameng and I walked back to our hotel feeling content and just a little bit tired. The response of the participants was good. The weariness, more than anything else, was due to the lack of sleep (in order to catch the first flight) and the difficulty sleeping in a new place.

Back at our hotel, we deposited our things and traded our shoes for slippers. Then we trudged back where we came from to catch the jeep bound for Camalig. It took some time for the right jeep to come along that we had to ask some locals if we could indeed take a ride for Cagsawa there.

Yup, Cagsawa was the desired destination that day. Juliet and I had already been there. The visit was more for Ate Mameng’s benefit since it’s her first time in Legazpi.

As expected, having to commute takes so much time. We had to snake through the streets of Legazpi and Daraga before we reached the highway leading to Cagsawa.

It was already late afternoon. The whole experience reminded me so much of the time I went to Miag-ao Church in Iloilo when I was feeling apprehensive about the fading sunlight and how it would very much affect the pictures I wanted to take. This time though, I was feeling less apprehensive. Pictures or not, I am just thankful to have the chance to see Mt. Magayon (as the locals call it) again up close.

There was a point in the busy streets of Daraga when there was a break in the buildings and Mt. Mayon showed herself to us in her full glory. Ah, how beautiful she looked, how majestic.

We where already on the highway when the landscape changed drastically. The buildings and the structures gave way to a big expanse littered every now and then with dead, leafless trees and destroyed, abandoned houses.

Juliet turned to me and informed me that an entire barangay was totally wiped out during a typhoon that hit the province following the recent explosion of Mt. Mayon and we’re looking right at it.

The contrast leaped at me. And I could not help but note with irony how something as beautiful as Mt. Mayon could also be a source of so much destruction.

When we reached the corner of Cagsawa we alighted and began our walk towards the “park.” The place looked desolate in the fading light. What used to be a populous area is covered with mounds and mounds of black sand – lahar. We had to pass by several “mini-streams” and had to cross a shaky piece of coconut log over a raging river that wasn’t there before, in order to get to the ruins. The belfry still stood there but the church ruins where we had our pictures taken before could no longer be discerned from the piles of sand that covered it.

Most of the nearby structures – canteens, inns and big houses lie deserted with their caved-in roofs hanging at the rafters. With the darkness creeping all around us, everything started to feel a bit creepy. No, it’s not really that. More like, there was sadness in the air.

The first time I was at Cagsawa, it never occurred to me that I’m going to see it again in this state. A friend in Legazpi pointed out to me that what happened to Cagsawa now in a way corrects history. She said that the history books stated that the ruins in Cagsawa came to be because of a great explosion by Mt. Mayon sometime in the 1520’s. But with what happened recently, the experience pointed out that having the whole town wiped out was not caused by the explosion itself but the surge of water and deposits from Mayon following a ravaging typhoon. And she’s probably right. Amazing huh? Indeed, life is cyclical… History keeps repeating itself…

Legazpi is a special place for me. Not so much because of Mt. Mayon but because I have come to love the place for all it represents. I’ve encountered a lot of people through the work I do. But the “Albayons” to me are among the happiest people I’ve met. They just laugh more often and always have a joke or two to tell. I think this is a special trait, considering all the hardships that they had to go through every year, being ravished by typhoons every now and then.

If I would bank on my belief of the law of karma then I’d say I might be tied to Legazpi in some “karmic” sense because here I am, drawn to the place. Never did it occur to me that I’d be frequenting the place to render some service of sorts. And yet here I am…

Whatever it is then, I hope to get as much learning as I can from my work in Legazpi and from the people I meet there. As it is I am already learning that the human spirit is pretty much like Mt. Mayon in the twilight – that despite the fading light and the destruction all around you, one can still stand strong and majestic, conquering all storms that may ever come one’s way. Just as the people in Legazpi remain happy and content despite all the hardships they had to go through.

Those that I work with are “development workers” as well. In Legazpi, “development work” entails having to rush to the aide of those affected by typhoons, Mt. Mayon eruption, flash flood and having to deal with victims from wiped-out barangays. I could not imagine the anguish that they might face and how these people could leave their homes also affected by the calamities in order to help others. And despite all that they still remain happy persons, with healthy, joyful countenance.

It’s a reminder to me and my tendency to be upset when things don’t go my way. Lately, I have not been my best self. I have so much expectations of Bolo as a husband. And when he fell short of those expectations, I make sure that he knows about it. I also make his life hell for a while hehehe hmm.. somehow I’m often angry these days, sometimes, even a bit bitter. Yeah, so unlike me.

I think I certainly have difficulty adjusting to married life hehehe That’s the only reason I could think of for being this way these days. I guess all the responsibilities overwhelmed me.

Marriage, indeed , is such a daunting “state of life.” There are just far too many adjustments that one had to make. Oh, it’s not all hardships of course but somehow it’s the “hardships” that leave the best impression.

I pray to remain beautiful inside amidst everything I have to face these days… I pray for focus and clarity of thought. After all, Bolo is such a beautiful person really. He makes me laugh with his sincerity and his “innocence.” Actually, come to think of it, it’s not his fault really if I have such high expectations. It’s my problem not his. And to give him credit, Bolo indeed tries so hard just so he could give me my whim which is just childishness really. Blame all of that to my romantic inclinations and wanting to keep that burning even if our relationship had already evolved past that.

Come to think of it, what more could I ask? Bolo still sneak up to me bearing long-stemmed roses on his back on special occasions. He would come home wearing that sheepish smile on his face, being pleased with himself to have found me a real nice “ukay” blouse. He would cook for me and my friends and do it without shoving it to my face that I owe him big time for that (unilke me hehehe).

Oh, paying the bills, sometimes being short of cash, and not being able to buy the things I want, are “unpleasantries” of married life alright. But I just would have to remind myself constantly that they are not all there is to what Bolo and I have. There’s baby of course, who’s the consistent neutralizer. His smile is enough to wipe all worries away.

Homesick

I made it to the interview and barely made it to the airport to catch my flight. Thank God! Now here I am feeling nostalgic and emotional. After a late brunch at 4:00 PM I loitered the streets of Legazpi to look for an internet cafe to download some important files I'll be needing when I stopped right at my tracks.

The buildings looked familiar... And then I realized, just up ahead is where Bolo, Baby and I stayed during my first trip here. In fact, the cafe I'm at now is right at the street next to the very hotel we were billeted before -- the corner of which is where Baby and I bid Bolo goodbye as he boarded the tricycle that would take him to the terminal. Unlike us, he would be taking the bus back to Manila. We were trying to save. There was a big difference between the bus fare and the airfare.

I'm remembering how emotional that night was, as well. Bolo and I were constantly texting each other. We were constantly reassuring each other and exchanging exciting messages about seeing fire sliding down Mayon's slope hehehe.

I miss my son.... so much... but I won't think much about him. Besides this is hardly the time to given all the things I needed to do for my task here and my job back home. There's no sleeping for me here...

Ah this is one of those days when I'd wish I'm filthy rich. That way, I could still get to do development work, feel good about myself and be fulfilled. At the same time, I could afford my husband and son's airfare and accommodation... What could be more better than that? To be able to impress upon my son my passion for development work? And to present him one option of how he could choose to live his life... Not to mention, I could get to do the thing I love most but not be separated from my family.

Family. Meaningful work. These are two things I value the most at the moment.

I miss you Baby, you have no idea how much Nanay wants for you to be here. I love you. This is the first time since I had you that I won't be sleeping next to you and it's breaking my heart to pieces...

Happy Father's Day B!

How Can I Not Love You? (Anna and the King)

How Can I Not Love You

Cannot touch, Cannot hold, Cannot be together
Cannot love, Cannot kiss, Cannot love eachother
Must be strong and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

Cannot trip, Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel, Must pretend it's over
Must be brave and we must go on, Must not say
Wat we no longer long

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

How can I not love you

Bridge:
Must be brave and we must be strong
Cannot say what we no longer long

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

How can I not love you
When you are gone...




Above is one of my favorite movies of all time. I chanced upon it while surfing Youtube for U2's "Stuck in the Moment" which I also like very much, by the way :)

This movie and the song reminds me so much of a particular moment in my life. I was just about to write -- "reminds me of a particular person." Upon deeper introspection, it's not really the person I missed or remember. It was the particular person I was.

Come to think of it, we often connote our hang-ups on persons -- on an ex-boyfriend, our parents, a lost friend, an enemy, a lover -- when what we're really having an issue with was the very person we were at that particular moment...

I have just come to realize that now while I was thinking of the person who reminds me so much of this movie and of this song. I was just about to think how I must continue to have feelings for that person when I stopped.

Being truthful to myself I realized it was not the person that I missed but the moment. More appropriately, I missed the person I was at that particular stage of my life.

I was... naive, idealistic, believed so much in magic and happy ever afters... I believed in fate, in serendipity... I believed in synchronicity and true love. Oh I still believe in all of those things. But there's a big difference when one is young and still not through certain harsh realities. Then, I believed in all of those things with tenacity, with a passion...

Now, being through relationships, being a wife and having faced the realities of married life, I look at "love" and certain things now a little differently...

So I guess it's a bit natural to miss those days when I do not know any better. At that time when I view life through rose-colored lenses. Somehow, then, everything was "romanticized." Even poignant experiences are regarded bitter-sweet. For all it was worth, I like the intoxication it brought me... Somehow, there was a purpose to the pain, disappointments were a lot easier to accept.

Oh, I still continue to believe on how there is a purpose to everything. More so now when I'm more mature and could be more truthful to myself about things than before. Still, sometimes it's so nice to think about the past and how simple life seemed...

For "You," thanks for all the beautiful conversations shared.... They meant more than you'll ever know...

At World's End

I feel pretty much that way these days with everything going on and so little time to do it with. I ought to be resting, following the miscarriage but here I am, busier than I was before the miscarriage. But as they say, I got to do what I had to do.

I'm sleepy. In fact I had turned off the computer following a futile attempt to work. I guess I really am just too exhausted to tackle anything about work. I was just about to doze off when I remembered the significance of the day. So I just got to blog about it.

Hehe well, it was really nothing. I guess I'm just happy that finally, after what seems like forever, Bolo and I managed to squeeze in some time to watch a movie. Yeah, it had been quite some time. It's either I had work, he had some other concerns, I got hospitalized, I had to rest, and the most likely reason -- there was no one to look after baby.

This afternoon though, Loren, Bolo's sister volunteered to baby sit so Bolo and I could squeeze in a few hours off. So off we went to the mall. Bolo and I to watch one of my favorite movie character of all time -- Capt. Jack Sparrow -- and Loren and Baby for some playtime at Sonic Boom and Wonderland.

Loren was truly an angel. On our way to the mall, she even texted the cinema's officer-in-charge and managed to get us free passes for the movie. Yey! hehehe It was exciting really. We even got escorted to the cinema and was allowed to choose our seats hehehehe It was fun.

Waaah! Capt. Jack Sparrow :) I could go on and on about the things that fascinated me about his character, the story line, the special effects, the fight scenes that we're beautifully orchestrated, etc. etc. I could gush on end about it hehehe I am that smitten.

I remember watching. "The Curse of the Black Pearl" twice in cinema. When it was shown on tv, Bolo and I even slept real late just to wait up for it and to finish the entire run. I also remember taking a half-day leave from work just to watch "The Dead Man's Chest" when Jeni urged me to watch it on spur of the moment. And now, I was finally able to watch its final installment.

The inability to squeeze in some movie time the past months made us pass up some real good movies we would have wanted to see. Not to mention pass up some opportunity for travel but that's another story. So when Bolo and I tried for three weeks and was still failing to watch "At World's End," I thought we're never gonna see it on the big screen. But lo and behold, everything worked out so beautifully. I only wanted to see the movie but what did we get? We got to see it for free and we got to choose our seats nonetheless hehehe Really, I feel so blessed.

Thank you, Father God for showing me again how wonderful you are. I feel so cherished to have you orchestrate so nicely even the littlest detail in my life. Truly, you leave no stone unturned. I'm so awed by you.

The Weekend

At 7:45 AM this morning, I was already facing my computer, finishing up the letter I was drafting last night, sending emails and making phone calls. Yep, on a Sunday. I have my misgivings alright, especially when I'm feeling some pain in my abdominals and lower back lately. But I'm not complaining really. I had to do what I had to do. I have just one week to prepare for a training I'm running and there are a still a lot of things that needed to be done.

It does not feel like a weekend at all. Saturday morning I was on a meeting too. In the afternoon I was back to facing the computer and fixing materials and sending e-mails. I capped the night by making online hotel reservations on the hotel for the Legazpi trip I'm taking this month also.

This weekend wasn't just all about working though. Actually, at 3:30 PM earlier, the whole "clan" were already headed to the beach for some bonding time. We had some kinilaw, sinugbang (char-broiled) fish and some meat, and fruit salad. Enjoyed some red wine too and some leftover Cadbury chocolates courtesy of Ate Gaga. At one point I thought wistfully about having some cheese too to go with the wine. But the company and the time spent with family more than made up for the "humble" fare we had.

I also appreciated the experience very much since it gave Baby the excuse to run and play for the entire afternoon. I thought he would still be a bit fearful of the water just as he was over at Canibad but I guess the presence of his other cousins enjoying the water made him want to join in on the fun too. So there he was, rushing to the coming tides and playfully scooping down some water. Several times he fell on his butt but he just continued playing. He sure was having so much fun that I was again sorry to not have a camera at hand. Yeah, it was very much unlike me to not have one. A cousin borrowed it and so I was not able to charge the batteries on time.

After we've cleaned up Baby and have him changed into dry clothes, he behaved for some time while I was feeding him the avocado he loves. I think its a good thing that he likes avocado. He sure could do with some source of fats. His milk being soya, he's pretty lean compared to other babies his age.

Soon after that, there was no containing him. He had a field day chasing after his soccer ball with his cousins even when it had started to get dark. Where they were playing was quite a distance from our cottage but it was surprising how he could find his way back to me on his own even in the dark. I think he took after his Tatay's gift for instant recall when it comes to direction. Thank God he did not take after me who's quite clueless in that aspect. Well, I think we have another "guide" in the making. I reckon, a few years from now and we have another "lagalag" in the making =) I'm not sure whether I ought to look forward to that or be fearful of the prospect hehehe

Julia Fordham

Yup, listening to Julia Fordham at the moment. My clock reads 1:38 AM. I've been feeling sleepy since 11 o'clock, I guess. But there are a lot of things that needed to be done. Just outside our room lies a heap of clothes that needed to be folded up and stored in their right cabinets and to think I've started folding up clothes by the time I arrived from my meeting. I only stopped to go down and eat.

Well, so far I've succeeding in neatly hanging some of my "training clothes." Some of Bolo's and Baby's stuff too. I've sorted out my "pambahay," my "for-the-office," and casual-wear clothes. I found out too that I have more clothes than cabinet space. Not that I've been acquiring much lately. Rarely do I find the time to browse and buy clothes these days. In fact, most of my blouses now are Bolo's "gifts" to me -- his "finds." Well, I must add that his choices are not that bad at all, except for those few times he brought home stuff that are either too loud for my taste or were ill-fitting. For the most part, however, he's pretty astute in his choices. It's like he knew full well my minimalist preference.

Hmm... looking back however, I now have plenty of t-shirts too, thanks to him. He's so fond of "climbing," sporty clothes and every now and then he would come home bringing me t-shirts and shorts -- mostly board shorts.

Anyway, how did my day went? Good, I guess. Went back to work despite my OB's two-month rest advice. I had to. I have a training from the 20th to the 23rd and there are a lot of things that needed to be done.

On that note, I guess I'd better call it a day. Better rest now, have another day of work tomorrow. Julia still croons and I'm reminded once again how I like her so much. Used to be so gungho over her during college. And every now and then I would crave for her voice. I had several albums of her in the past. But right now, the only album I have left is her "Collection," which is not bad at all. It is indeed a collection of all her good songs. Hmm.. but is there really any "bad" ones? =)

Ah, this song currently playing, "Porcelain," I really like and not just because it starts with the line -- "I am very much in like with you..." hehehe

I was about to post this blog when "Invisible War" played. It reminds me so much of my relationship with Bolo. Indeed, sometimes there could be just a thin line between love and hate. It's funny really how you could also hate so much the very person you also love very much. I guess it's really because of the vulnerability that loving so much brings. When you love, really love, somehow you leave yourself open and very vulnerable. Emotions are raw, and sometimes expectations run high too. It's no wonder it could hurt so much when these expectations are not met.

Ah, "Love Moves in Mysterious Ways..." Yeah, with my liking Julia Fordham so much, anyone can guess this was played during our wedding hehehe It's not our wedding song, however. Instead, it opened up the ceremony. Our entourage and sponsors marched down the aisle while the choir sang this in the background. I thought it a fitting scoring. Love indeed moves in mysterious ways. Never have I foreseen that everything would end up as it had and not as I first planned it to be.

Oh, there were plans alright. The planning took several years -- two, three years? And yet everything turned out differently. I still harbor a bit of a guilt for that particular aspect of my life. But only because I have no way of knowing if the other's life turned out fine as well... I hope it did... Indeed one could invest so much in making plans and trying to push everything as planned. Still, life could unfold in such a way that one could never imagine... And often the unfolding is good... It is always good no matter how it may seem otherwise at times... Because we have an orchestrator who is good.. all the time... Thank you, Father God.

Hmm..

My horroscope today reads:

Cancer: Pay special attention to the boundary between your home life

and your professional life.

It's solid,

and you need to make sure it stays that way today.

It's more important than ever to keep any problems that you're having at work

as far removed from your personal life as possible.

There's also a risk that a deepening relationship with a colleague

could have undue influence over a personal decision.

Beware -- this could be a problem.

I don't base my life and my decisions on what my horroscope says but this sure made me pensive...

Taking Care of One's Own

I think one has no business dreaming/ talking about making a difference, helping others, pitching in in development work if you don't know a thing about taking care of one's own. I think it is hypocritical to quote the bible every now and then, boast about one's regular attendance to services if you cannot be charitable to people within your own backyard.

Before, I used to be so wary of announcing to the world that I belong to a certain Spiritual community or that I attend regular worship service. It's not because I am ashamed of my God or ashamed that I'll be associated with such activities. In the first place, I feel blessed to have had such kind of relationship with my God so I don't see why I ought to be ashamed about it. In fact it is the other way around. The reason why I don't make such "pronouncements" is because I'm afraid I may just shame my community.

Establishing that close relationship with Him, the more I am made aware of my own weaknesses. As I get to know more about Him and His goodness, the more I know of my own imperfections, of my own brokenness. I know every now and then I would say or do things that would not only be unpleasing to His eyes but also to the people around me.

Ironically, it's not His wrath that I fear the most. It's other people's judgment of me. No, it's not even that. It's the judgment that may boomerang back to my community for whatever "falling short of perfection" that I may commit.

That is why sometimes I "envy" people who could talk so openly about their own spiritual practices, like how often they would go to Mass, or how often they do charitable works... I wish I could have the same zeal that they do.

Oh, but I'd like to correct myself. I do have the zeal, I just don't sing openly about it. Ah... I've said a lot of things here already when all that I wanted to say now is that I am hurting. I've been hurting for a long time even if I don't also speak openly about it. I am hurting because I have trouble fitting in. I am hurting because while I wanted to establish relationships, I often feel I'm up against a brick wall. It's hard when even at the onset it's been underlined time and again that you're on your own and that you do not belong.

Oh, I don't really mind not establishing the relationships. I'm fine all by myself. And besides, I'm really quite wary where that is concerned. Because, relationships matter the whole lot to me. Friends to me are not just pals. They're family, loved ones. To them I'll give all of me without any hesitation should the situation call for it. That is why I don't really always jump at the chance to "acquire" more relationships than I already have.

Still, establishing relationship is necessary with people you have common goals with. It is but only common sense to do so. Oh but yeah, I forgot, I am on my own and we necessarily don't share a common goal...

I am hurting because I felt I am shortchanged. I am hurting because I had had such high expectations from people whom I thought knows more about God's love and about translating it into this world. I am hurting because when at the time I was hurting I did not feel the slightest hint that they were hurting along with me. Kahit respeto lang man sana. All that they succeeded was in making me feel that I was worthless to them. Oh, I did not expect much like they would have to smother with flowers and all that stuff. A simple "how are you?" would have been more than enough.

I'm asking myself, have I set such high expectations that is why I am hurting now? No, in fact I did not have any expectations at all. But, I guess I did not expect total disregard as well. My God, I lost a child and it's a painful experience. I had expected that mothers would have at least understand the pain I must be going through. I expected that those who seek to establish relationship with God everyday would know how to extend a comforting hand to those who needed it. So yeah, maybe I did have such high expectations. This is the only way that could explain the hurt I'm feeling now... But yeah, I'll get over this. I am in fact feeling better now. I just felt that I had to express all that I've felt so it wouldn't have to be a baggage, a burden I'll be carrying around with me.

If anything, I take comfort in the fact that my God did not fail me at all. He had always been with me every step of the way. And there were my friends too, my family... If there's anything I get out of this whole experience, it's that God reaffirmed His promise to anyone who loves Him -- that indeed He would never forsake us or abandon us especially in time of need. With that, what more shall I want?

Alex's Homecoming

Well, it wasn't really much of a homecoming =) We've been what? Together for just three hours? But what three hours it was! It was three hours of catching up, exchanging experiences and views on relationships. I'd say, for everything that we've covered, it seemed we pretty much maximized the little time we'd had.


And to think it almost did not happen. We're supposed to go out Saturday night. But then it rained. Aside from that, Bolo and I spent most of the afternoon till 7 pm in marketing, going to the grocery store and cooking. It was Jeni's Mom's -- our Godparent during our wedding -- birthday party. She (Jeni) "delegated" to us the cooking of one vegetarian dish -- the "sumptuous" pakora =) For those who do not know what a pakora is, it is like your vegetable tempura. Only in this case, we make use of besan flour (chick pea flour), some kinchay (to add to the flavor and to give the dish that wonderful smell), and some seasonings for the batter. And, we used oyster mushrooms instead of the regular vegetables. We also made use of cauliflowers for that "chicken lollipop" effect.


Anyway, I was too beat after rushing with the cooking and baby was not feeling so well that I thought it not a good idea to go out. I wasn't even able to attend the party, much more so have the energy for some night-out-get-together.

Good thing we pushed through with it tonight. It sure was fun. The conversation had really been great. It is surprising considering that we haven't really seen Alex for more than ten years already. At first I was a bit hesitant about going. I thought we might run out of things to say to each other. After all, we hardly share anything common now. But it sure was fun learning about each other's lives at present.


We talked about our marriage, our relationships with our spouses, our struggles, courtship, keeping the relationship, sex. Yeah, we even talked about that and had fun laughing. We also talked about betrayal. But it was nothing heavy. We talked about how it could create such a dent in a relationship... I sit here and think how we have come a long way from those years we spent in college talking about tapes, music, MTVs and worrying about where to copy our next assignment from hehehe. There we were talking about more serious adult stuff.

I appreciated the fact that Alex was also very much open during our conversation. While neither of us really went into the sordid details of our respective relationships, I felt that each of us had really been open with each other. At one point pictures were exchanged. I must say those of Alex and his wife were really good ones. For Jeni, Candy and I, they were mostly "Mom stuff" -- pictures that have our babies in them =) And, they were just as good =)


Before we knew it, it was already time to go. I know we all shared the feeling that we would have wanted for the conversation to go on. But Alex had an early flight to catch tomorrow. I have to think of Baby and Bolo waiting for me at the shop. Candy's kids are starting school the next day. As for Jeni, she had all the time in the world hehehe.

For all that we've shared -- our relationship woes included -- I really wish that each of our relationships will turn out well in the end and that we'll get over whatever challenges we may be having now. We're all adults now and we know that the courtship stage doesn't go on forever. We're mature enough to know that relationships also mature over time. The heart-thumping, breath-taking, "electrifying" moments we experienced during the courtship stage will soon give way to moments of adjustments, facing issues, encountering conflicts and growing together. All of which are realities that relationships have to go through. Still, a part of me believes that the magic both partners felt during courtship could be sustained all through the years. Both partners just have to work at it and be creative about it... I wish such a relationship for each of us. The kind of relationship not only where there is love, commitment and deep respect but also one that is fun and exciting.

Hey Alex, it sure was fun seeing you again. Hope you'll come visit again soon. And guys, thank you so much for the fun time we've had. Thanks for the friendship =) Only wish Dane could have joined us then. Lourdes too =)

And so I Lost Her...

I could not explain the pain I felt looking at the ultrasound monitor and seeing no response from the baby. There was no sign of the comforting blinking that indicates the baby’s heartbeat. Yes, "baby" since I certainly refuse to call it “just” a fetus. At 6 weeks I saw how there was a heartbeat already. It was a living entity. I’m a vegetarian. I don’t eat meat in reverence of the life of a “being.” How much more that of a baby? MY Baby…

I lay there while the doctor – the sonologist, not my OB – tried all means just to detect any vital signs on that unmoving figure in the screen. I knew she was probably just doing it for my benefit. She tried all angles and yet the result is the same. There is no vital sign.

I feel the pain even now, recalling how it all was… It’s a pain so raw, so wrenching… I felt it to the very depth of my being. I asked lamely if it means the baby is no longer there. All the while I was fighting the tears that were threatening to fall.

The sonologist replied it could be anything and that yes, it could mean that. She said something like I could try again and that I’m still young. I felt like shouting back at her. I know she probably was just at a loss as to what to say to me and that was the best that she could come up with. But I found no consolation in her words.

I wanted to lash back that having another baby would not be the same as having the same baby. I wanted to ask her if she could guarantee at all that if we try for another baby, it would be the same one we’ve lost now. Would it be the same soul but just in another body?

I’m crying now while writing this. For a week I imagined in my head how I would write this entry. Of course I wanted to write about this experience. What better therapy could there be for me other than to write? But never have I imagined I’ll find myself in that little room again at the sonologist’s clinic. I never imagined I’d feel the agony again…

Bolo and Baby Bullets was there. Bolo stood holding Baby while peering at the monitor too. But unlike me, Bolo was more accepting of the situation. When we went out of the clinic to sit outside and wait for the result, I was definitely crying in earnest already. I could no longer hold the tears. Bolo patted me and said there was nothing we could do. He reminded me that our OB already told us to prepare ourselves and that if the baby is not for us then it wouldn’t be there despite all the bed rest I may take.

I will admit, though I’m shamed by it, that there was an instance wherein I entertained the thought of the “convenience” my being unpregnant would give me. I recall the misgivings I have when I found out I missed my period. Still, by God, that was my baby. MY baby and not some pet I could do away with and give away if it proved to be of inconvenience. As I said in my past entry, there was never a doubt as to how I felt for that child. I loved her.

When I had the spotting and had my OB confirmed the delicacy of my condition, I laid in bed and communicated with my unborn. I told her to hang on for dear life. I was honest with her though and told her how she came at a time when I did not plan for it at all. I told her I wish I had her at a time that there was nothing she’d feel but appreciation from me. Not that she’ll have to sense my misgivings at having found myself pregnant with her. I know this would not sound good at all to a baby hanging on for dear life but I was strong in my resolve too. There would be no lies between me and my offsprings, if I could help it at all. I know she’d sense it anyway if I’d lie. I know I would not appreciate being lied to by my parents. What kind of relationship would that be?

Ah.. right now I still cringe everytime I see cute girlie dresses because even if the sex of the baby could not yet be discerned at that stage, I was very certain she was a girl. I meditated once – as a friend taught me how to do it – communicated with the baby in my womb and I readily sensed a female energy. That’s when I knew. It pains me now, recalling that incident because it had been a good communication, that one.

Oh I’m better now, somewhat. Slowly, I am beginning to accept what happened. There’s nothing left to do but just that. No amount of remorse would change everything that had happened.

I just hope I’ll finally get better – physically that is. I feel my body has been through a lot. I’ve been through a lot and I’m still recovering from everything… So help me God..

I'm Not

My clock reads -- 12:50 AM. I find it ironic that I have reached that time slaving over some work concerns when my doctor specifically ordered for a 2-week bed rest.

I have just finished an important report but I still have some work concerns I needed to do tomorrow. A lot had happened this week. Yesterday was the toughest, having found out I was experiencing some spotting.

It was a traumatic experience for me -- to have found blood when I knew perfectly well I am "almost" 2-mos. pregnant. It did not help that I didn't have the support I needed at that time. Bolo was away for some business. For some reason, he is not anywhere where his fone is. Candy's YM status message read, "Sorry, I ran off for a bit." Jeni was unreachable too. Both cases are forgivable though. Even I am guilty of not minding my phone constantly. Particularly when I'm very much busy with some work stuff or "motherly" functions. In either case, checking my fone for messages takes the least priority.

Ah, now I remember and note with some irony how I have happened to pour out my sentiments to an "online" friend. I found -- still find that incident -- totally ironic. There I was wanting so badly some reassurance of some sort. I was desperate for a hug, for a touch, for a physical contact but I got a "virtual" response instead. Not that it wasn't appreciated. I really thanked that friend for being there for me notwithstanding how weird it must have been for her to find out I was having miscarriage-scare and her not being able to do anything about it given the "remoteness" of the situation.

I am still in pain now. I have a nagging pain in my lower back and abdomen. It's not a good indication at all I know on top of the spotting I'm still experiencing. I know I'm risking my baby's well-being for refusing to heed the bedrest advice and tackling work instead. But a part of me recognizes the need to accomplish certain things that I should. Things that are needed. And having to do that, a lot of nagging questions are running right through my head. I'm asking why it had to be this way.

I love this child tremendously. That is something that I am very much certain of. For all my confusion, my unpreparedness, my misgivings, there was never a doubt as to how I feel towards this Baby.

So yes, I'm lamenting the fact that I have to accomplish certain things when I should be fighting like crazy for this Baby to stay alive. I'm lamenting that things have to be this way. So to answer the previous entry's question, I guess I'm not huh? So I'd better do something about that then...

Getting My Bearings

I was fixing my blog when I came across the entry below... It was saved as a draft (dated May 17)... I remember being confused at that point in my life... confused about a lot of things ang about where I really want to be...

Now, with all that took place and all the blows I suffered from, I still am very much trying to get my bearings... And yet surprisingly, just when I was on my lowest, right down on my knees, things just started to sort themselves out.

Everyday these days I feel restoration. It's as if when I was at my darkest hour, someone threw me a rope just to pull me out of the place... Now, I could feel things starting to look up.

For several days now I would find myself suddenly jolted from whatever it is that I'm doing. It's when the reality of Niño's death would again hit me and I would start as if suddenly poked... I'd find myself shaking my head, as if I still could't believe that Niño is no longer with us and that he is not just at Empress tending our home there...

This morning, Bolo and I woke up early. We were supposed to spend some time alone for ourselves last night. But we decided to let Baby sleep first so we could go without a problem. What happened was that I woke up at 3 AM finding myself in my jeans still, Baby sleeping soundly beside me, and Bolo equally as "clueless." I woke him up with a sheepish grin and pointed at our jeans. We hastily refreshed ourselves and fully intended to change into pajamas when we found ourselves fully awake. So he changed into shorts and shirt, and prepared to go out to go to Mercury to buy Baby's milk.

When he was gone, I busied myself cleaning Baby's bottles and soaking in hot, soapy water the white blouse Baby "drew" pictures on with his chocolate ice cream the day before... When Bolo got back, we fed Baby milk and then prepared for an early morning walk to Bankerohan. He was intent about going on an ukay2x hunt.

Once there, we found several basketball shorts that reminded us so much of Niño. Not only once have he turned to me and said this or that would have fitted Niño well. I felt the urge to buy the shorts anyway. And for a while I thought to myself if it is alright to continue buying stuff for my brother as if he is still around. But of course, soon enough, sanity prevailed. Not to mention, practicality too. I guess for a while I'll be in such a state as I still grope with the reality of and my acceptance of my brother's death. I've been like this for a while during Papa's time. And I'm willing to sit it out for a while... I'm just really glad that generally, things are beginning to look up.

These days I took to tuning in to my collection of Gospel songs and even at youtube when I'm in the office. I guess that helped a lot... It is helping a lot... True indeed, God is always one's anchor in times of grief and sickness... He is ever present even in the most mundane details of my life, these days He makes His presence felt even more so and it's where I draw my strength from... Thank you, Father God.


***

Draft

I cringe everytime I hear that auto-sounding voice announcing, "Yahoo! Mail..." No, not exactly at that time but when I drag my eyes from what I'm doing to the lower-right-hand corner of the monitor and see this message -- "***** has just updated her friendster blog!"

It's not at all because I begrudge my friends' having the time to blog. In fact I enjoy reading their blogs during my spare time. It keeps me updated on how they are doing. Some blog even inspires me. The cringing part is because I feel I am being reminded to write, to see to it that I set aside time for myself and for introspection. I don't have to elaborate again why.

My previous entry was on the proverbial question of "Where am I?" Needless to say, I feel the need to constantly ask myself that question thus, the need for reflection. Asking that question is not even enough. This had to be coupled with -- "Am I where I want to be?"

Lost. There are times when I feel that way. There are times when I would pull myself from my present preoccupations and force myself to get my bearings, I would fail miserably. Meaning, I could not at all get my bearings. And I always hated that feeling.

For all my...err... being "dense" most of the time, I do want to be in control of my life. For sure, I wouldn't want to waste my time and my energies on things that don't matter at all or those of no importance. Life is short enough as it is...

Am I?

My Powerful Question for the week -- "Am I where I want to be?" I was arrested by the question and my reaction is telling me it had succeeded in hitting a chord within me somewhere.

A lot had happened over the period of one year. And "a lot" translates to having my hands full with all the responsibilities entrusted in my care. With a hectic schedule bugging my very existence, I never really had the time to sit down with myself and examine my feelings about the things that's happening with me.

Now I'm asking myself -- How am I? Am I where I want to be? How do I feel about being where I am right now? I know the answer is lurking here somewhere... And very soon I would have to set aside time for myself -- time to be alone and make an honest assessment of how things are. I owe that much to myself. After all, I don't want to wake up one day, be grey and old (order intended since i have grey hairs now though I'm not OLD yet hehehe), and realize I've gotten myself into a state I wouldn't want to be in.

Canibad, Island Garden City of Samal

Some of my officemates and I took advantage of the May 1 Labor Day holiday to go to Canibad in Samal Island. It was fun and the place was truly beautiful. Below are some of the pictures taken there. More can be found in my travel blog @ tataroadtrips!

In Limbo

In a somewhat irritated voice, B lectured me on seeing to it that our appointments don’t overlap with that of Baby’s feeding time. We had just been to see my OB and due to some developments, we stayed longer than expected.

I hear B’s lamentations fine and I agree with him. Of course I am as concerned as he is about Baby’s delayed feeding time but I could not bring myself to comment back. I was distracted, my mind is somewhere else.

I am almost two months delayed. While B and I had really been careful, we must have miscalculated somewhat thus the situation. We’ve been sitting it out for sometime thinking it is just delayed ovulation due to stress while at the same time considering that I could indeed be pregnant. So we took it a day at a time, the whole while taking precautions the way we would, should I indeed be pregnant. We bought vitamins, my milk and careful about lotions and other stuff.

The visit to the OB was for confirmation. We were thinking we’d settle everything once and for all. But instead of being clarified about the situation, the more we got confused thus my feeling distracted.

While my OB said my cervix looks fine, my uterus does not appear pregnant at all. Based from my LMP (last menstrual period) I should be around 11 weeks pregnant by now. However, the size of my uterus does not convey that at all. The Doppler had been used on me but we could not detect any heartbeat except mine. If I am indeed 11 weeks pregnant, the baby’s heartbeat could have already been detected by then.

An ultrasound was requested. As it is a Saturday and it was almost noon already, the hospital’s facility was already closed. A nearby clinic was suggested. But there were several patients ahead of me and since we had Baby to think of, we decided not to wait.

When we were about to leave my OB’s clinic, she pulled B aside and told him to be with me when we would talk about the ultrasound’s result. Earlier, I was candid enough to ask what could be the reason behind my uterus’ “stunted” growth. I asked if it could also be because there was something wrong with the baby, with it having no heartbeat “yet” and all. My OB’s response was calm. She answered me matter-of-factly maybe to dispel any worries I may have. She said it could indeed be delayed ovulation or, it could be that the baby “stopped” growing. She advised me about having the ultrasound soonest so we could have the whole thing over and done with.

I don’t know what to feel about the whole thing. I’m not sure if I ought to be relieved about the possibility of not being pregnant or be fearful for any complications I may have. In truth, I wasn’t exactly ecstatic when I got delayed. As it is, with Baby being past a year old, I am just about to get my groove back. Finally, I could get to do things I haven’t done while I was pregnant with Baby and nursing him when he finally came.

While B had been telling me he still wanted another baby and with elder adults telling us it is better not to wait that long to have another, I had been telling myself I am already pretty content with having just one child.

Oh, there were times I would rethink that though, reflecting on how tough it was for me being an only child. And yet, every time I would think about going through another ordeal of having a baby – the constant tiredness, the labor pain, having not enough time for yourself – I would immediately be convinced that having one child is enough.

And so I sit in limbo now. I would have to sit it out the entire weekend, trying not to think so much about it. I would have to readjust my schedule at work on Monday then, so I could have the ultrasound and visit my OB to show her the results. In truth, I don’t know what to pray for. I don’t know whether I should plead for an “unpregnant” result or to pray that all is well with the baby I might be carrying. Hmm… unplanned or not, this baby is still my child, a part of me, of course I love him/her and would want nothing but that all is well with him/her.

So hang on there Baby, grow steadily. Hope you are not feeling “unwanted” for the lack of euphoria I am feeling at the moment. Nanay is just tired, and have not adjusted fully after having your Kuya. Pretty soon, I’ll get over this feeling and will have all the time to relish on the experience of having you :)

I’m a Miranda

I took the test over at ABC.com’s “Grey’s Anatomy” site and was surprised to learn that I turn out to be a Miranda! Well, I certainly was surprised. I did not expect it in any way. I was kind of expecting to be an “Izzy” or a bit of a “Cristina” but Miranda? Really!

I told Candy who was also online over at YM and her reply was immediate. She called me – Nazi!!! That sure made me laugh. Nazi indeed. Hmm… now I’m wondering, am I really a Miranda? In truth I took the test twice and answered the second one as truthfully as I could and the outcome was the same. Duh!

Hmm… I wonder why my immediate reaction on the result was that of surprise. It tells me a great deal about myself. I mean, what was I thinking? My surprise meant I have a different view altogether of who I think I am.

So who do I think I am? What image do I have of myself then? Hmm… now that I’ve thought about it, I think I have this image of myself as a little bit of a “Burke,” someone who does his work well and conscientiously. Burke is the kind of person who is in touched with his feelings and is not afraid to express it. He is compassionate, kind, and self-possessed. Ah, that latter part, I know I could never lay a claim on that. Self-possessed… with the way things are, I think I still have a long way to go where that is concerned…

Some Agko Pix

Here are the some of the pictures we had during our recent trip to Lake Agko in Mt. Apo last Black Saturday. Someone must have made some resetting of the camera without my knowing. I was dismayed when I uploaded those that Bolo and I took and found them to be not good at all... There were a few salvageable ones but the rest were really bad. Anyways, these are from Jeni's camera. Some were taken by Bolo since he did not go for a dip at Agko thinking he would have to do the driving back home.

I want to relate more of the experience -- which I usually do -- but as most of the pictures are not in yet, I guess I would have to wait awhile. I'm busy too with work concerns, my training being next week already. There are a lot of things that needed my attention at the moment.

So here goes:








The above photos were taken inside the van. Note how Bolo and Baby are both wearing red shirts. Even Towi was in red. Tita Ninang was wearing a red shirt too but changed when Jeni told her in jest that she would have to sit next to Bolo since seating arrangements are color-coded. hehehehe

As for our faces, those are mudpacks hehehe Facial ala "Apo Essence" :) When we got to the mud lake, we found several persons there who were sporting this special facial mask. One pointed out to us where we could get the "concoction." It's a good thing since I was already eyeing the mud close to where we were crouching on. It was at the spot where the cold spring meets the hot stream coming from the very hot mud lake. That would have been embarrassing hehehe

Bolo was kind enough to get us some and so off we "lathered" our faces :) Baby sure had fun playing with the water. He playfully splashed jeni and showered her with pebbles hehehe

The Evolution of Dancing

Jeni shared the following link to me and I must say I really love it! It is so funny hehehe. So here's sharing it with you :)

Apo

Earlier this afternoon, Bolo leaned to me and pointed out two acquaintances of his carrying big packs on their back, looking every bit the mountaineers they are. We were on our way out of Kidapawan City. Compared to them, we were...err... very "neatly" dressed, and snuggly seated inside Jeni's uncle's van. It's a long story, how we got there. But, I certainly am pleased to have found myself in Apo's midst despite all the odds.

Last Wednesday, Bolo and I went to Baby's pedia for his immunization shot. We were there for another reason though. We wanted to ask his "blessings" for what would be Baby's first "mountain experience." We were quite vague the first time we asked if it's okay to have Baby climb a mountain. When he asked, "Which mountain?" I knew there's no beating around the bush with him anymore. When we replied, "Apo," his response was quick -- "Ay huwag muna! Baka di niya kayanin ang lamig doon!" (Oh! Not yet! He might not be able to stand the cold .)

We knew that was coming so while we were a bit disappointed by his response, we were somewhat prepared for it already. Well, in truth, I knew Bolo and I were both "relieved" somewhat to hear what he said. Relieved since it gave us an excuse not to go altogether.

If truth be told, we are hardly prepared to drag Baby all the way to Apo's peak. As Bolo would put it -- it meant we would have to bring gallons upon gallons of distilled water for his feeding needs alone. On top of that, we would have to spend some extra time in the morning to sterilize his bottles. Either that or we buy extra bottles to meet the "16 bottles" requirement of a 4-day stay in the mountains. We would have to sterilize the 16 bottles prior to the climb, have them individually wrapped, very securely, to ensure non-contamination. Imagine all of that!

I knew the thought alone was giving Bolo the horrors. So while he was indulgent in having me talk about "alternatives" and possible "strategies" to make it a lot easier for us to tag Baby along, I knew his decision would be -- us not going at all...

I was asleep while we were on our way down from Lake Agko (yup, we've been to Apo after all but not in the way we would have wanted it to be), so I hardly noticed we were already in Kidapawan and stopping by to purchase its really...hmm... "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" garlic bread. Ay! Believe me, it was that good! Thanks to Jeni, now I know where to find the best tasting garlic bread I've ever had. I'll keep this particular information at the back of my head for reference during future trips to that part of Mindanao.

Anyway, Bolo must have found some time to chat with some mountaineers who were also on their way home. Because when he spotted those acquaintances of his, he shared to me how they're a couple and that they left their son at home so they could go to Apo. His tone imply that he found the whole thing... incredulous! Hehehe when he told me that, I turned from him to look at Baby Bolets who is nestled contentedly in his lap and who is "gurgling" happily away as he looks at everything that he sees outside the window.

I know I could never fault any couple who might want some time for themselves... those who would want to indulge in what they both love to do as a couple sans the kids who would have to be momentarily left at home in order for them to do just that. But, I sure felt happy to note that Bolo shared my feeling that it's not worth going anywhere without Baby around.

Oh, Bolo and I do set aside some time for ourselves. Once a month or so, we would watch movies together, just the two of us... Sometimes we would sneak a few hours away from Baby to spend some time alone together, visiting a favorite bar and enjoying a couple of drinks... But both of us, to be gone four days in a row?

At the moment, it is really unthinkable for us. We both knew we wouldn't enjoy any long trips anyway, having to constantly worry about Baby. While we both recognize that in order for us to strengthen our relationship the more, he and I should set aside some "couple-time" for us... we also acknowledge the fact that when Baby became a part of our lives, we embraced him with all of our hearts and readily rearranged our lives to include him.

It's hard to explain really... It's just that we strongly feel about having Baby with us constantly... Oh of course, Bolo has his personal time too to spend with his friends and so do I (though I hardly take any hehehe). It's just that it is difficult for either of us to be apart from Baby for so long. We would easily miss him. Bolo had been on a four-day trekking trip once. And on the fourth day, he was like ready to fly back home...

Yeah, we are certainly that attached to Baby. Once Bolo and I examined our feelings on the matter and we both agreed that the reason behind this is that, we knew the time would come when Baby would be fully grown up and would be wanting some time for himself. We knew that a few years down the line, Baby would prefer to have the company of his friends over ours. So we're like taking advantage of the time when he thinks we are his world... as selfish as that may sound... As it is, he is growing up very fast before our very eyes...

Oh, Baby, if your Tatay and I could only express how much we love you... there wouldn't be enough blog space to write everything on :)

Saying Hello Again

Finally, here's a break in the "goodbye" posts. Dane's flight to Dubai was at 11:30 AM yesterday, Sunday. At around that time, I arrived at Paradise Island with Bolo, Baby and Janine to meet up with Candy and Durly. Yup, Durly and her family is in town for a vacation. They are going to be here for a week.

It's been what? 5 years, since Durly left for Manila? Maybe even more. I remember we had a Christmas-Party-cum-Despedida at their house in Mandug. Candy was still very much pregnant with Asia then, her second child. China was a mere toddler. Durly's daughter then -- Lei -- was I think barely 1 year old. Now all kids are grown. Durly now has a 3-year-old son and I have a son of my own. How time flies and how life evolves. It seems only yesterday when we would sit in the 2nd floor "stairwell" in Ateneo, exchanging notes and agonizing over our grades in Calculus. Now, we're all faced with a hurdle of a different sort -- that of married life and being full-fledged adults.

I remember one conversation I had with Candy over YM (yeah, conversations nowadays are coursed through YM and not over coffee and cake. there's just barely enough time left for such get-togethers. YM, on the other hand, are right in our own bedrooms... and err.. desk at the office hehehe). We were lamenting how this time, things like paying the bills, sustaining our family's needs, being in-charge with "adult" stuffs are no longer the concerns of our parents but our own. If before, we are always at the receiving end, now it is our turn to do the providing. And we're finding out how difficult it can be. Well, adulthood sure sucks hehehe

Come to think of it, it's funny how before we all can't wait to be adults. We always hated it when we could not do our own thing, we had to undergo the agony of having to ask permission only to be turned down by our parents. Little did we know that great responsibilities come with such "freedom" too. Looking back, I think I would give up to be a kid again and be free from all these worries hehehe

Baby just came in, dressed in his complete England jersey uniform and playfully handed to me his soccer ball. He turned to me with his ever-present beaming smile and "gurgled" something he only could understand. I guess God just delivered me a message right there hehehe So okay, I take that back, adulthood is not really that bad hehehe

But anyway, it sure was fun seeing Durly again. We are set to meet on Wednesday for a dinner get-together. Hopefully other classmates could get to join us =) Below are some of the pictures we had at Paradise.

Dane's Despedida

This blog is starting to be like a "saying goodbye" station for all my entries about close friends' sojourn to greener pastures. I refuse to think it has got something to do with the upcoming elections and what a joke it's turning out to be. I don't like to think everyone is assuming the country's got nothing but a bleak future up ahead and so the desire to jump ship while they still can... I don't like to think about that because that's an entirely different matter to muse about and should be a different entry altogether...

My clock reads, 1:51 AM. I'm sleepy and tired but I'm trying to get my brain to cool off as it is still very much awake...

Tonight's "despedida" took several days of planning and meeting with Candy. For Bolo and I it was such a big project since we are hosting it hehe Well, for all his participation I think Bolo really did take it too seriously. Why, he certainly "made a career" out of it.

The night before the big day, Bolo slept real late just to clean up around the house. Our freshly laundered clothes -- which practically takes forever to be folded up and kept in their respective station in our cabinets -- got tidied up and tucked away in a 3-hour record time. That's quite a feat alright considering how it is a common sight to walk in the second bedroom and see pile upon pile of clothes and clean blankets thrown casually over the bed. It had been a common practice of Bolo and I to sort out through the "rubbish" the things we needed to wear, iron them and let the rest lie where they are hehehe.

I'm not in the least proud of this but Bolo and I just don't have the time to deal with the matter hehehe Made to choose between spending time with Baby, the other hundred things to do around the house and that... I guess tidying laundered clothes takes the least priority.

Anyway, enough of the laundry hehehe I certainly am digressing here. My point is, Bolo certainly rolled up his sleeves and made Dane's despedida a very important project of his. He woke up early, did the marketing, mopped the floors, cooked the pasta (2 kinds at that) and the salsa, and prepared everything. (I really could not thank you enough B. Thank you so much for all the help and all the importance you've shown my friends.)

Moi? Well, I watched Baby who kept us awake the night before also because of a fever, did my work, and made a special video for Dane. Well, I had had my hands full also but of course it was nothing to all that Bolo did.

But it sure was a fun night. Knowing Dane, everything was light and well... funny. Half of me however was thinking, it'll probably a long time before I'll see these two good friends again... Even now as I sit here I can't help but be emotional about the whole thing. Especially when I remember all those times we spent with Dane and then eventually with Bong too.

Dane and Bong were our "wedding coordinators" and "pro bono" at that. Not only that, she had paid for my bouquet as well. "Kapalmuks " I sure am huh? hehehe Maybe this is also the reason why Bolo took everything seriously. After all, it's the least we can do...

When it was time for Baby's first birthday, Dane was there as well, helping me out in the planning... But yeah, Dane is such a generous person. As Candy would put it, she is very generous not just with money but even with her time...

Oh Dane, for sure we are really going to miss you. As it is, it all seems so surreal that you're finally going to leave us. It's making Candy and I really, really sad hehe We could have hugged you you know, earlier. But I guess we were never really the "showy" type. This may sound cheesy I know but we do love you and your leaving is something that is not quite that easy to accept :) I guess meeting up with college friends now wouldn't be the same without your sarcastic comments and jabs hehehe Sigh. Spending time with you guys and with Bong was something I've always looked forward to in the past. Because I'm sure I'll be spending the whole time laughing... I'm thankful that we had those moments... even that one time in Apo. Good luck friend. Hope to see you guys again real soon... But not so soon least we'll take you away from chasing all your dreams. Just don't take too long though. You're leaving some orphaned friends over here :) Here's giving you one, big, tight hug friend... We miss you already.

Chie-Chay

I sit here now with a heavy heart knowing I've set aside doing something really important again... What was the excuse? I was busy preparing for a training at work... I was overtaken by "familial obligations" yet again... Both "excuses" sound plausible enough to me... They are after all equally important. And yet, why do I feel so empty at the moment? Why do I feel as if I did not try my best hard enough to do that which needed to be done?

An old friend is on her way to the airport... to seek out greener pastures... perhaps to go chase her dreams and to find herself...

Luchie is a dear, old "kababata." We practically grew up together. I couldn't count the Christmases and the New Years we've spent crouching at their veranda or by their doorstep exchanging gifts and catching up on things. There were a few years of that spent lamenting about our old loves haha! At that time we were both trying our best to get over our...err... first loves :) We were so young then, so naive. We thought childhood flames are meant to last forever. What do we know about relationships then? Oh well, but they were "great" loves... so pure and innocent... Something that hinges on "magic" and "happily-ever-afters..."

Over the years, I guess we slowly drifted apart... We pursued different careers and each were equally time consuming. There were times we'd missed each other by mere days. I'll be in Manila just when she's about to go back to Davao. Or that she'd be in Iloilo or Cebu three weeks ahead of my own schedule... Yet, somehow, we have managed to keep in touch every now and then. Sometimes out of the blue, we'll text each other and arrange to do our "grocerying" together, or have both our hair done as we both share a hairdresser.

There was a time when I managed to tag her along during a weekend trip to Tudaya. It was a very tiring trek and something she is not used to doing at all -- riding on a truck loaded with vegetables, trudging through mud, even almost falling off a cliff (I still thank God and our angels for sparing her that fall upto now) -- but she gamely did all the things that my friends and I did.

I guess we really just stopped seeing each other that often when I had given birth to Baby. I rarely had enough time to go out then. And I suspect she had been busy with a "new" relationship at that time as well. I let her be... I could very well understand that part. I had also been real "preoccupied" during my three-year long relationship with Bolo.

When I learned that she is leaving, I had fully intended to spend some time with her if only to catch up a little and to give her the "Traveler's Prayer Book" I have been eying for some time at a local bookstore... I just felt that she needed it, although we haven't really had the chance to talk about how she is lately. Yet again, work and other things intervened... or so I try to tell myself to quell the heavy feeling I feel inside...

I know Luchie well, even if we don't get to talk that much lately. Without her detailing to me everything, I know from the little bits she told me, what she must have been going through the past year. And my heart reaches out to her. Right now I'm longing for the times when we were both so young and so idealistic, discussing about how life and relationships should be. I missed the times we would spend hours dissecting the works of Anne Rice and eventually that of Paolo Coelho... Life was so much simpler then, much less complicated...

So long Chichay :) I'm sure during those times we've spent talking we've never really realized that life would turn out to be the way it had now... Yet looking back, it wasn't really that bad huh? We turn out pretty okay... You and I had to beat some odds through college. I've seen how you worked so hard even if the demands of your work had started to become unbearable... So I'm sure there is nothing left but for you to reap on all the returns that is due you :) So never lose faith. I'm sure the best is yet to come. Good luck, friend. Am praying for you.

Spring Cleaning

It's 3:33 AM in my watch and here I am trying to unwind from all the work we had. Bolo and I cleaned up the "bodega" room. Needless to say, there were a lot of setting things in order and dusting up to do.

Well, seeing how the room now looks real tidy and livable -- enough that it could be offered as a guest room when relatives come over -- I think all our efforts have certainly paid off, being sleepless notwithstanding. Good thing tomorrow is a holiday so I could sleep till late in the morning hehehe

Tomorrow -- make that today -- is gonna be the the city's celebration of it's Charter Day. I think its 70th. I'm not sure though. Bolo's been very game about spending the entire day with us tomorrow. A part of me is hoping I could take some good pictures during tomorrow's grand parade but considering having to tag Baby along, I guess that is out of the question... Not real sorry though. These days, what's important to me is spending some quality time with Baby and Bolo. And it doesn't matter much where we spend it, as long as there's just the three of us enjoying each other's presence.

On that note, I remember musing a little while ago while I sat in the middle of the dust-infested, litter-everywhere room, how intoxicated I am with my present state of life. I realized, considering all that I've been doing lately, it seems my entire being is entirely centered on my being a Mom and a wife. Apparently, it would seem, everything else plays second fiddle.

Even my time for introspection revolves around the realities I'm sharing with my son and my other-"whole" (who ever coined the term -- other-half! Half indeed! Hmp! hehehe) Bah... that should not be so... While I love them both so much, I should not lose sight of the fact that all these are temporal in life... and these are attachments that could very well make me lose sight of far more deeper realities -- that above everything else, I am a soul... And I know exactly what that means...