Rod: What I Want To Be

It's been awhile but finally, we again had our usual soul-to-soul conversation:

Me: At ten, Rod, I somehow knew already what I wanted to do... (describing the historical event that led me to my realization)

Rod: I want to be like you, 'Nay (my heart stopped and I immediately became teary eyed). But I might become a vet as well. I feel for people too. At school when there are vendors who do not get a sale, I buy their food even if I don't like them. But I feel for dogs and animals also (describing to me a story he read about someone who decided to become a vet after losing a dog).

Well, you could be anything, Anak. As long as you're not hurting other people to become what you want to be. Nanay and Tatay will try our best to support you all the way. I love you to the moon and back.

Sunsets

Photo credit: Tata Abella-Bolo

Restless,
Can't be still,
Can't wait for the days to be over.

Busy,
Engaged,
With very limited time remaining.

A hundred and one tasks,
With seeming,
No moment to spare.

Yet I do,
Find a few,
To sneak in thoughts of you.

Time,
Space,
Separates you from me.

Yet I,
Am kept more alive,
As seconds passed idly by.

Can't wait,
For sunsets,
That bring you closer to me.

Face to face,
Sometimes,
Even a ray's touch or two.

Oh such a sight,
To behold,
Golden, beaming, hue.

Being There, Remotely

"Tapos wala ka diri, 'Nay ba!" (And you're not here, Nanay!) Tatay repeated that statement for the third time. I got him right away. He's in a bind and he needed me to be there so once again I can help him gain a better perspective. And so I did just that.

Over the phone, I calmed him, helped him see sense. He is obviously upset but "hearing" me so calm, not angry at the other end of the line must have helped because he mellowed somewhat. Over the line, I sent over my love and he must have sensed that. I had to call a friend, ask a favor, make phone calls and online transfers in between flights but everything got settled eventually.

At the end of it all, got several messages of apologies and gratitude from Tatay for handling the situation the way I did and for understanding. "I love you's" got exchanged several times.

Maneuvering marriage, long-distance, is quite a challenge. Situations that had to be addressed together could prove to be difficult but yeah, not impossible.  One has to be patient and love enough to make the effort.

As I sit here again alone in an airport somewhere, these thoughts are what's running on my head. For a month, we would have to switch again to "remote-partnership." I again would have to work at being a good "remote" parent. But by God and by love, I know it can be done. I miss the little arms around my neck and the butterfly kisses though. Just one more month!

Sacred Contract

You told me, you sit in silence at the top

Thinking, longing for me.

Were you thinking

Of how things are shaping up?

Intention behind certain insistence, 

Suddenly crystal clear?

I come from the position of love.

Always.

Decisions are based on nothing but.

If I give my all

In everything else, 

How much more for you?

You are me.

We are one.

My own unfolding is tied up with yours.

I am much committed to your own,

As my own becoming.

I sit in silence and think

How it had to be me in your life.

Because I would stay

When everyone else had left

Despite self-preservation lashing back

That caused me so much pain.

You see,

There's no pushing me away.

I am whole

Where you are broken.

I have signed up for this

Long before the rebirth.

So lick your wounds

Stop thinking you're unworthy.

You are

Worth all the love

I can give

And much more.

I love you, B.

Working at Loving Better Everyday

Today's gem: Tatay and I texting, with him telling me his back ached from carrying both Rod and Forest for a long time. Ate Janin's celebrity idols are in town for the city's charter day celebration. Since there was quite a crowd, Tatay had to swing Forest over his neck and carry Rod so they both could see the stage.

My heart expanded at the picture he was describing. He almost did not go since Ate Janin disappeared at midday without asking permission. I had to coax him, pointing out it would be a missed opportunity. Good thing he listened. That's what I love about him. Most of the time he listens. And he sure tries so hard to be better at loving the children. We both do.

Thank you, God. We are not perfect parents. We are still very much a work in progress as individual persons but thank You for giving us the grace each time to work at being better persons, better parents... More loving and discerning...  

Of Forest, Treks and Spending Time

There were a lot of "gifts" yesterday.  One was in finally being able to go on a trek in Kurdistan.  While it is not the usual adrenaline-pumping, "conquered-much-of-myself" mountaineering feat, I felt grateful just the same. I never thought I could go on a trek here.

Another one is spending time with colleagues.  Albeit most of our staff are really young, it was fun just spending a day with them. The culture here is not much different from home.  Family is of utmost importance as well.  

Speaking of family, another gem was talking to Forest on the phone.  I miss her and her cute little voice, just thinking about it.  She relayed to me how she got sick one time and I was not there.  She was not certain of the date and so she had to ask Lola when was it she got sick.  She repeated the line, "when Nanay was not here."  My daughter is feeling my absence.  More than anything, she wants me to be there when she gets sick.  Whose child wouldn't? Sigh. A few more months, Anak.  I am grateful we are afforded to see each other every three months.  Others are not as lucky, especially those who gets to go home only every two years.  And yet, it's true.  Whether 3 months or 2 years, I know I am missing much of your growing up years.  I know you have that longing to have me there as often as possible.  

Sending you hugs and kisses, Forest from across the miles.  I miss you so much.

Of Spreadsheets and Intimacy

Today's gem: Tatay and I sharing screens in Skype and worked out an excel sheet of our monthly budget.

It felt very intimate to me no matter how unromantic spreadsheets and numbers could be. I liked the fact that we were working together, making adjustments together. I loved the fact that despite the distance, we still find ways to connect and to make our marriage function as it should.

Thank you, God for the grace. 

Conversations

Today's gem is more related to the homefront than work related.  And I must add, it had been quite a while since we've had this kind of a gem.

Tatay went caving last Saturday.  He had a great time and I was really happy about that and for him. It's Sunday, so while it is the beginning of work-week for me, it's actually a weekend at home.  So during breaks, he and the children would sneak in a Skype call.  At one of these calls Tatay joked, "Why haven't you liked my facebook post on the pictures from the caving yet? You would be the 1,000th liker by the time you would!"

He rarely ever posts anything in social media so I figured the photos (of him, most likely than not), must be really good.  And so I checked it out later that day. True enough, I loved him in those photos.  He looked so carefree and happy.

Our evening conversation was mostly on what happened during the caving.  I asked him if it was the same one we went to a few years back.  One of the photos looked familiar.  He told me that it is a different one.  I asked if he could take me there and he said he would love to.  I asked if it's okay for the children and he told me he isn't quite sure about that. He said we could perhaps go when I arrive and I told him I have a very short homestay and would want to spend it more with the kids.

We just bantered on and on until I realised how we haven't had this kind of conversation for a long time.  I immediately pointed it to Tatay.  I told him it is refreshing and happy to be talking that way again. I told him it was made possible because of the fact that he did something for himself, apart from a "you-and-me" experience.  I said that is why it is important for us to be doing things differently and be involved with individual pursuits so we could bring something new to the relationship.  Then I added that, that is also why he should allow me to explore a bit, on my own.  So I can also bring in something to the table and have something exciting to share with him as well.

Typical of him, he readily pointed out that yesterday, I also called him up to share about my incident with the child in Kirkuk.  He said I do not necessarily have to venture out to be able to share with him something.  I told him, I would also love to share something fun and exciting with him.  Then he countered, he really wanted me to travel as well and do something exciting but what worries him is how safe I would be.  It sounded cheesy but knowing him, I know he meant it sincerely.  He then pointed out that I am traveling again real soon for a leisure kind and that he's okay with it albeit with reservations. Oh and yeah, I've traveled in the past for leisure where he's not with me and it's fine.  In most cases though I was with family so I guess he's okay with it.  But yeah, I'm certainly looking forward to having more conversations with him.

IQ Chronicles: If Only's

Picture this: you are sitting in the car, looking out the window. You see the houses you're passing by but not really seeing them. You are trying to make sense of all that you're feeling. 

You thought about how the house you just came from have no doors to keep them secure. You thought about how awhile back, you had to refuse some men and women asking for rice because what you brought was intended only for the participants of the FGD. Much as you want to give them the remaining ones, you could not because there is not enough for everyone. You could not just give to a select few. Doing so might only lead to fighting amongst them.

You wonder how fast the information had spread that even those from the other sector came.  You came strictly for that validation and brought only enough and a few extra. It wasn't an intended distribution after all.

Amidst all that, you had also been very conscious of the time. You are returning back to base, 4 hours away by car and you are already running late. The discussion with the women was lengthy and the chaos that ensued in the giving of rice added to that. You worry about having to travel in the dark. You worry about the driver who would have to travel 2 and a half hours back, in a deepening night. It was an exhausting week (and even the two weeks before that) but there is no room for you to even think about how tired you are.

Then, out of the corner of your eye, you noticed some movement behind the car. When you look back, you see the same boy who earlier, asked for rice, running after your car. Earlier, you had asked about his Mum and whether she was part of the "meeting."  He had said she was not. In the chaos that ensued, you only managed a few lines of apology and then had to leave. 

You've covered around 3 blocks already and you wonder how he must have ran all the way. He looked like he's only eight. You were grateful the  road was bad and so that slowed you down.  Otherwise, you shudder at the thought of him running all that distance for nothing.  It would have been unlikely that you'd notice him if you had traveled at a faster pace. 

Before you knew it, the floodgates opened. Without warning, you found yourself  crying in the car. You've stopped the car of course. The rice was in the other vehicle at the rear. You only have the remaining juice and so you initially offered that to him. He said, he needed the rice more. You felt your heart break to even smaller pieces.

You waited for the other car and eventually you were able to give him the rice that he wanted. He said he has four other siblings with his mother and they really need the rice.

You looked at him and you are amaze to just see him smiling. He did not show any sign of tiredness. You tried looking for that determined expression you saw on his face when you first caught a glance of him. It was unforgettable. It made your heart skip a beat. For now though, his face is simply aglow as he clutch the rice close to his chest.

Again, you felt your heart being squeezed from within. And you begin to wish for a million other possibilities. You begin again that inner dialogue that starts with "if only's."

Then you have to walk away, return his smile as you try to hide your tears.  As you walk towards your car and as you start to move away, you acknowledge that once again you are not the same person you were a few moments back. You've left a little of yourself with that boy and with the women. You've also managed to take so much from those encounters.

As you journey on, you think about love and how you have so much more to give. Yet at the same time, you think about your loved ones, especially the little ones you've left behind to pursue your passion. And once again you're torn to a little million pieces...

IQ Chronicles: You Saved Me

I found two gems today. It was a very productive day. I am tired but I feel fulfilled. A lot took my attention today as there were a myriad tasks but I feel grateful that I did not feel rushed or anything. It's as if I was flowing exactly as I should.

One of today's gem happened while I was consolidating FGD results. Some two weeks ago, I had my first field visit for the year. I had 3 FGD session in 3 of the villages we were working in. They were all with women. They were beneficiaries of our cash for work project. It was our first attempt at engaging the women to do the actual work. Given the context, it was quite challenging to involve the women themselves.

What happened in the past is that while we prioritise women-headed households since they are amongst the most vulnerable, they nominated a male member of the household to do the work for them. At the end of it though, the earned "wage" would go to the women. In those cases, the men, more often than not, get a portion of the pay. After all, it is them who do the work.

This time though, we started with engaging the women themselves. Consultations were conducted to help decide on the type of work that is not only suitable but acceptable to them.

I was more than excited to be facilitating the FGDs myself. I knew I would be learning a lot. There were some significant questions I've wanted to ask. I'm excited to learn about what the women thought of the entire experience. I wanted to find out how the engagement "impacted" their lives, if in fact it did.

I remember how I felt then, driving back to the office. I was of course grateful for the experience. I felt thankful to be in the position I am now. Everything was a blur after that. With so much deliverables competing with my time, the conversations I had with the women was soon forgotten. Until today.

I had to finish my report of the FGDs so I dug out my notes. I was intent about capturing significant quotes from the women and so I lost myself in my notes. Then I came to the question, "Is there anything you did not like about the intervention?" Most, if not all, of the women were saying there was nothing they did not like about it. Then one woman said, "You saved me." 

There it was on my notes. Staring at the sentence, I felt my world stop. My heart skipped a beat.

I've never had grand illusions about my job. I always felt grateful to be making a contribution in my own little way. At the same time I know how little it is, hardly making a dent where ensuring sustainable gains is concerned. But that statement brings home to me the fact that a little gesture makes a whole lot of difference in another person's life. And it's such a humbling thought. 

IQ Chronicles: Staying

Today's Gem:  Sitting there listening to the head of the Water Authority share with us how he lost his father, a just and principled man, during the country's darkest years.  He related how the entire family had to leave in the stealth of the night, leaving their home and most of their valuables to escape the same fate happening to them.  They went to the nearby town where they own lands as well and where they have relatives only to be turned away.  He ended his story by turning to one of our guests and saying, "Pardon me for saying this but if any of you Europeans would get to experience even 1/5th of what we've went through as a nation, I don't think you would ever survive."  It was a humbling thought and I felt grateful to have met someone who also, in all, humility simply replied, "Of course.  And rightly so."

This country have gone through so much.  Even our own local colleagues tell us of their own experiences as children IDPs, moving from one place to the next.  They shared growing up being cursed and mocked for being Kurdish.  They've lost fathers, uncles, who were brave enough to fight back.  Some of them have seen grandfathers being beaten simply because they have son/s who are members of the resistance group.

At one point in today's conversation, our visitor asked him, how despite everything that he'd been through he had chosen to stay.  The others have gone to other places, mostly to Europe, to carve out a new destiny for themselves.  What made him chose to stay and serve his country instead? His response, "I have my own life here.  It is difficult to just pack up, turn your back on everything and leave." He then added that what kind of life would he have had he left?

It was later relayed to me how everyone regard him as a kind person, treating everyone equally no matter what they are or what "tribe" they belong to.  It made me realize, goodness can never be faked.  One can only go on pretending for some time. After a while, one's true nature would always come out.  But yes, there is still so much goodness in this world despite the atrocities that is happening everywhere. They are like this little light in a sea of darkness, constant and unwavering, sending out the message of hope.  Oh and yes, of course, of love...

Christmas Gift

Today I wore Tatay's Christmas gift. I thought it significant to blog about it because of the story behind it.

Come Christmas time, Tatay presented me with a card with an apology note in it saying it's all he got me for now. It was littered with I love you's and that would have been enough. Instead, I pouted and acted hurt. I told him, he knew weeks in advance I was coming home for Christmas. I pointed out we've been apart for months he could have made the effort.

In truth I was really hurt by it. The card was much appreciated of course. I love it so much. Only, I felt underappreciated. Of course I wasn't looking for a very expensive gift. I never care much for it. I was actually looking more for the indication that he had put much thought into it, given our situation lately, being apart and all.

They just the thing. He thought I was expecting for something really expensive. So before I knew it, he went out of the house, drove downtown to go to the mall to pick me up a gift. And it was this pair of jeans, a 100++-dollar pair of jeans.

Imagine my dismay. I'm never one for buying really expensive clothes and shoes. Sure I splurge a bit on sports shoes but that is totally necessary. But your usual getup for casual wear, I'd be more than happy putting on a 300-peso jeans. Something expensive would have me think about how wasteful it is and how I could have just saved the money for a plane ticket to somewhere.

But there it was, a nicely wrapped MANGO jeans, the price equivalent of which is even more that Forest's monthly school fee :p but yeah, sure appreciate much the gesture. But yes, Tatay, I would never put much value on the price tag. I'd be more than happy receiving a pair of winter gloves coz it would tell me you put much thought into what I would be needing back here.

Thank you just the same, Tatay.  It's much appreciated. I love you.

Wherever

Today is special.  I went to hear Mass for the first time here in Kurdistan.  For the longest time I've been wanting to but never really managed to.  Foremost, Sundays are workdays here.  Then there were security guidelines not to go to places of worship as they could be targets.  Also, I hesitate attending one in Aramaic since I would not be able to understand it at all.  

Then today happened.  It was a result of a series of events -- meeting Filipinos at Qatar airport who are also on their way to Erbil.  Being informed about the church here and the schedule of the Mass.  I had to be in Kalar for two weeks.  And then I'm here.

It was something, singing the "Our Father" for the first time in these soils.  It felt surreal.  Praying after receiving the communion I got overwhelmed.  Truly, He finds me wherever I may go.  God's faithfulness is indeed steadfast, it never wavers unlike that of human's.  

The homily said something like real love and service is not really felt when given just through skype or viber or is not tantamount to just sending material things.  I felt that God is telling me something.  I know I would still be indecisive until the day when I finally have to make a decision.  Yet, I take comfort at the thought that I know God will show me the answers and will guide me accordingly.

Thank you, God.  Your love for me overwhelms me.  

Finding Answers

"Time is slipping away.  

And as the chaos fades into something more like fullness, I am seeing how damned sacred it all is.

To watch someone come into the world, to know them before you even know their name.  
To attend to their cries, their hunger, their fear.  
To feed them.  
To bathe and change them, to witness them in all their vulnerability, all their naked humanity.  
To accept them as you've probably never accepted anyone before.
To watch your own brain rewire, connecting you to a chain of parents throughout time,
turning you both stronger and more vulnerable at the same time...

Parenting is to know all the previous versions of someone, 
to hold them inside your mind as they grow,as they unfold.
It's slowly learning to let go on the outside as their lives begin to take shape, separate from your own, 
while on the inside, in your strong, tender parent-heart, you never let go at all."

- Lynn Shattuck, Elephant Journal (http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/01/this-is-parenting/)

As a remote-parent for the most part than not, that bit about time fading so fast as the children transforms from being a baby into little persons, got to me.  

I was just reading awhile back a blog entry I had when Rod was just three years old and how amazed I was at how articulate he was becoming and yet maintaining that sweet little voice of his. I was remembering in my mind Rod's face, little hands and little feet and the kind of assured confidence he had when he speaks whatever was on his mind. Yes, even at three years old. It was a delight seeing him unfold.  

I went to the field for the first time this year. Coming back to the office I was thinking how enriching it was to hear about the women's stories and how we are making a difference, somewhat. I thought that was the highlight of my day.

It wasn't. It was Rod, standing up suddenly to re-position the laptop we have at home. He arranged it so it was directly facing the foot of the bed. My perplexity soon got answered as I saw him gather his pillow and blanket, put it near the foot of the bed and settled down to sleep. I saw him peer at me, checking if I was still looking as I promised and then settled down to sleep.  

It was Forest, making the request in her cute, sleepy voice, "Tingnan mo kami habang natutulog, Nay ha?" (Watch over us while we sleep, Nanay, okay?) 

It was knowing that while it is difficult, we're all one in making it work -- defying the distance and coming up with creative ways to stay connected. i sat there, knowing in all certainty that at this stage in my life, I am a mother first and foremost.  

I am and will always be grateful for my job and the opportunity to pursue my passion, to carve a space for myself and my own becoming. I am grateful that in the process, it is also affording me the opportunity to save up for my children's future. And yet, At the same time, I knew that for that, I am also foregoing being part of my children's "today." I know that in the process, I am not able to witness much of their own unfolding. And I am awake enough to know even when Rod was just in my womb that, that is the most important part of my becoming a mother.  For the past few weeks, I've been pulled from these two opposite directions. I've been grappling with the indecision of whether I hold on for a few months or just throw caution to the wind and just be where I want to be.  

I remember being grateful for this morning's experience. I remember looking out at the field as we're driving towards the office and thinking, I am learning and growing so much as a person in the past months that I have been here. At the same time, I am afforded with the opportunity to somehow make a difference and to contribute in my own little way. I remember thinking, I could probably give it a few more months. It would mean, a few more months of not worrying so much that bills are paid and that we're able to set a side a few more for the children's college fund. And yet, the thought that I'm missing so much of my children's growing up is tearing me up to pieces... 

Deep down I know what I needed to do. Yet the human in me is wallowing in the uncertainty and fear. At the same time, I am giddy at the thought of how amazing the universe is at throwing in my path answers to my questions. It's exhilarating, finding myself in the middle of having different alternatives (in the form of readings, encounters, stories) being laid down on my path for me to reflect upon and affirm what my heart already knows. Here's praying for those moments of fear and uncertainty to just fade away and to simply remain basking in the joy that being certain of the truth brings.

Few More Weeks

A week ago today, I fidget as I waited the person behind the counter get on with my check in and hand me my boarding pass.  I've already web checked-in the day before so I did not think it would take as long as it did.  He was really taking his own sweet time with it so I asked him nicely if it's done yet since my children are still waiting for me outside.  I was fighting the tears the whole time.  The day has finally come.  Days before, Forest would ask me out of nowhere, "Kelan ka na alis, Nay? Pag bukas, sa sunod na bukas?"  (When are you leaving, Nanay?  After tomorrow, the day after that?)  I knew they were counting the days as I was and making the most of what was left.

I smiled when I finally got my boarding pass and then hurried back outside.  When I got in the car, I just found myself bawling over.  The kids were at the cafe, waiting for me to join them for lunch.  I was thinking of how Rod looked at me with sad eyes when I told him I better drop my web-checked baggage so I could buy more time with them.  He then said, "But do come back."  I assured him that it would probably just take me 20 minutes and there would be plenty of time left.

I love my job.  There is nothing else I would rather be doing. That it takes me away so much from my kids is the only misgiving I have about it.  If I could have them both in one place, that would be ideal.

I composed myself and hurried back at the cafe where the kids were.  They have already eaten and was just waiting for me.  I could not swallow anything.  I did not have the appetite but I ate what I could.  We had some pictures taken and then I had to attend to some of Forest's needs.  By the time we went back to the car to get my hand-carried luggage, Rod was already crying.  He was hugging me tight and was loudly sobbing.  What would a mother do in such an instance?  I cried along with him and hugged him back as tight as I could.  Forest came over and gave me a hug as well.  She was crying but not as emotionally as Rod did.  I think Forest is getting used to my being away most of the time.  She was a mere 2 weeks old when I started taking on consultancy jobs again.  I had to.  The bills that we've incurred following the emergency delivery and her hospitalisation since birth I was already taking on consultancy jobs when she was just 2 weeks old and even whisked her away with me travelling all the way to Luzon and Visayas (planes and ferries) when she was barely two months old for an evaluation engagement.  And I had to leave her often after that.

But these few months had been the longest yet.  Three months, four months... I know I am lucky and is certainly grateful for it to be just apart with the kids for that long.  Most OFWs had to count years before they see their children again.  Yet, a separation is still a separation no matter how short or long it is.  It cuts to the heart especially in our case where we put much premium on "togetherness" and "connection."

We're a touch-y, together-y sort of family.  We just love spending time together no matter if we're doing the most mundane stuff or something more exciting.  It wasn't so much the what we're doing that mattered.  It was always that we're together.

I remember on my last night home Rod had to beg about us all watching a movie together. I have not packed yet and there were other things I wanted to see to and so I said they can go ahead and watch the movie after I've left.  But then Rod said it wouldn't matter by then since I would not be watching it with them...  

I sit here, alone and shivering in my cold, little room feeling totally homesick and wishing I'm snuggling next to my children... Few more weeks... God help me.

Happy New Year! Happy 2016!

Here's sending out good cheers, well wishes, love and light and nothing but optimism as we usher in the new year. It's been an exhausting year and I had to face my most trying uphill yet. However, all the blessings, wonderful opportunities and surprises combined more than made up for it. Happy to again be placed in the position to contribute, give what I can and to have the strength to constantly come from the position of love, no matter the circumstances. Thank you, God!

Driving Home

As we drove home after he picked me up from attending former colleagues' party, Tatay turned to me and said, "This is what I missed the most, driving home with you." I did not tell him that every time I go out to field and had to sit in the front seat, I would often remember those many drives we shared.

You and I are on this journey together. Though it may take us apart at times, we are never really that far apart from each other, Tatay.

I Know

I was just about to fall asleep when Tatay rang me up in Skype. What followed was a good conversation like we used to have before. We've always enjoyed talking to each other. I would remember the time when he would be coming in from a trip and he would endlessly talk about the experience or something funny that took place.

We haven't had that for a while. Given the distance, the calls and conversations had mostly been about the kids, whether my statutory obligations have been taken cared of and in order. Yup, the usual domestic stuff. It's either those things or being extremely jealous over nothing. So yeah, it's definitely been a while.

Last night, we talked about a lot of things but what stuck me the most was that exchange we had about my going home and settling there for a while for the children's sake.  We were going through alternatives.  I said I could stay home and be with the kids for a significant time before considering any new engagements.  I told him he and I could tend his store and save on the overhead.  If he needed to go somewhere then I had to be there on my own and vice-versa.  Then he said, I could probably find work quickly and it could be something unrelated to what I'm currently doing.  And I started saying how "not any job" could cut it for me since making a contribution is very important for me. But he sheepishly smiled and said, "Lagi. (I know.)" even before I finished what I intended to say.

It was a one word retort but it spoke so much volume.  That, "I know" does not just pertain to his knowing what I was gonna say but that he knows me and the things I value.  To me that was very touching and reassuring.  There's nothing more "feel-goody" than knowing that your significant other gets you. How sad would that be if someone you love do not know the core of your being or who you are entirely? 

So, thank you Tatay for that "knowing."  It made me feel valued for who I really am.  It reassures me of the kind of partnership that we keep as well.  It would not have been a real relationship if it lacked that  kind of certainty.  I love you.

Remote Mothering (Being There and Defying the Distance)

I can't help but cry a little as I watch Rod's sleepy face through Skype.  I was able to talk to him early morning (foregoing sleep) for the traditional waking up and blowing of the cake.  But he was sleepy even then and had to rush for school so we did not have  a proper conversation.

Then in the middle of a meeting, Tatay sent me photos through viber, signaling that the family is celebrating.  I was dying to talk to them then but the discussion was critical :( By the time I was able to get through, Rod was no longer answering properly, probably getting ready to sleep already.  After a while, Tatay called through Skype and my heart sank noting the "dark" background.  It meant the lights in the bedroom are off.  The kids are asleep.

Good thing they were just about to fall asleep.  Forest was wide awake and was even chatty, saying repeatedly, "Sleepy ang birthday boy, Nanay!" :) She was so cute.

Rod was already dozing off when Tatay brought the camera to his face :P  I engaged him in a conversation and that is when I cried.  I asked him about his birthday and how his day was.  When I asked him if there was a cake, Forest quipped, "Pizza!"  (Rod wanted it so).  When I asked what the flavor was, Rod replied it was pepperoni and I was like, "It's meat!" Rod's retort was really funny -- "It was the only thing that was buy-one-take-one." Hahaha! Stringy Tatay huh?

The best thing about today though was that Rod woke up when I asked him if we could pray together for his birthday.  We prayed for the usual, that he grow up to be really kind-hearted and be able to make a contribution in his own, little way.  We pray that he be guided towards the direction of his dreams and that they all come true.  We prayed that he be gifted with mentors and quality friendships.  I'm lucky enough in that aspect and I'm wishing the same thing for the children.  I can see that Rod appreciated the whole thing and I draw comfort in that.

All in all, Rod's birthday is simple.  There was no big party.  But I certainly went overboard this year, sharing old blogs as the day neared.  The funny thing was that Tatay had to point out to me that he and Rod actually find it tiring to read through all of my musings. So the "sentimental" in me had to step aside to choose blogs that are short and with photos.  Better that than having them going through the motion of conversation in a forced manner.  It was supposed to be a joyful sharing, not a burden.  I know in time, Rod would be able to appreciate the long letters and entries next time...

So yeah, the lengths that I have to go through just to defy the fact that we are apart.  I know there is nothing I can do about the physical distance but I've tried in the past -- and there is always a way -- to move mountains just to make the children feel that I am still "there."  "Being there" is something I would always work hard at establishing.  I know full well that nothing could compensate for the physical presence, to be able to give an actual hug, a kiss... But given the situation, there is nothing I can do about that but I could definitely find creative ways to demonstrate that yes, Nanay is still there for them, in more ways than one.  That, and to be able to show them clearly just how much I love them and how much they mean to me.  But yeah, soon for the real, warm hugs... I love you so much, Rod.

T stands for Tatay Teammate

I watched amused as Tatay read the letter I had written for Rod when I was pregnant with him. I knew it was long and I was pretty sure Tatay would not have the patience to see it through till the end.

True enough, after a mouthful of somewhat difficult English words, Tatay's brow came together and then he said, "Ayaw taasa kaayo, Nay! (Don't make it too long, Nanay!) I almost laughed out loud. Instead, I retorted in an affirming tone, " Yeah, I know. But that's how that is since it was heartfelt." I did agree about looking for a shorter post and made a mental note.

But yeah, I appreciate the fact that Tatay is again one with me on this. On our second day, he was even the one urging me to share the day's installment so that he and Rod can read it when they arrive at home later that day.

Thank you, Tatay for recognizing the importance of this little project.  It comforts me no end knowing that you also value nurturing our relationship with the children. Know that you made me truly happy. Salamat.

100 Hair Strokes

Forest and I had a quick skype call, today.  They had been trying to reach me since at around 5 PM their time.  That would be 12 noon, my time.  I was, however, sound asleep.  I think, several weeks of working non-stop, sleeping really late and having no weekend has finally taken it's toll.  After cooking and having breakfast, I felt sleepy and so I decided to just laze it a bit and went to bed.  I must have dozed off.  Waking up later at 3 PM, I realised I've slept soundly for 6 hours! (This explains why I'm still wide awake till now :P)

I quickly called them back and Tatay's curt opening was, "Asa diay ka?! (Where have you been?)"  He sounded a bit irritated and a tad suspicious :P  So I told them I fell asleep.  He urged me to go back to sleep but I heard Forest's cute, little voice in the background.  

They were already preparing to sleep as it was already 8 PM, their time.  Forest has just finished taking a bath and her hair was at a disaray.  I pointed it out to her and asked if nobody has taken my place to comb her hair 100 times at night.  Her quick reply, "Na-miss ko na nga, Nay.  Nakaiyak nga ako, naalala ko wala na nagasuklay ng buhok ko! (I miss those moments, Nanay.  I remembered it the other day and I cried!)"

What can I say to that?  I told her I missed those moments too and that I'm looking forward to doing that again when I get back home.

I miss you, Baby Forest.  Nanay can't wait so I can enjoy your hugs and kisses again.  While we exchange a lot of those through our skype calls, I know they could never compensate for the real thing.  I love you!

To My Daughter by Heart, Janin

It seems only yesterday when you came so suddenly in our lives.  You were a welcome joy though, the new baby in the family after having Ate Lian fully grown up and leaving for the UK.  You made my being a Tita finally official, being my only brother’s daughter. 

Like a typical, doting Tita, I bought you and bombarded your days and nights with Mozart’s and classical music for babies.  (Maybe that was also the reason why you have such a distinct, sizeable, heart-shaped head hehehe)  You were such a cute, hair-less baby that it was such a delight to buy you clothes (Mama Gaga, Ate Lian, Ate Tunga and Lola Linda did the same).  You have become Nanay’s little doll.  Sorry for that one, especially for taking such a long time to notice that you absolutely abhorred putting on cutesy, little, frilly dresses and blouse. 

Today, you’re turning 13, a full-fledged little woman.  If you notice, I refuse to call you a little “lady” because of the many connotations that go along with the term.  And Nanay has caught on by now, enough to know that using the word to describe you would be like referring to a different person altogether.  The term does not fully capture your spirit, your spunk, your strength that you so carefully hide under that quiet demeanor.  But Nanay has taken notice, Anak.  I see your strength and long so much to see you yield it. 

I know Nanay has not always been there but I would like to reiterate with you today what you, Forest and Rod often talk about – Rod burst out and came to me the most natural way; Forest sprung out through a huge CS-section through my tummy; but you came into my life through my heart.  There you have stayed since. 

I know that Nanay might seem so strict with you before.  While not wanting to make excuses, you came at a time when Nanay was a bit young and so full of ideals about things.  At that time, Nanay did not have the benefit yet from the lessons and joys learned brought about by mothering my own offspring – Rod and eventually Forest. Nanay had learned so much since then and hopefully, had adjusted accordingly. 

Know that Nanay loves  you very much.  My strictness might be borne out of the wrong assumption that you are your father’s extension.  I love you father so much, Anak.  I miss him everday.  He was the only brother I had and having him taken away so early has brought on a void that I had unconsciously thought you could fill.  But Nanay is more aware now and recognizes full well that you are your own person.

You are now officially a teen.  Recalling my own, I know it could be a stage that could be quite confusing and exciting (Nanay wants to use the word, “exhilarating” but you might find it puzzling.  Look it up at the dictionary though.  Or should I say, “google it”?) at the same time.  It’s a time when you would be struggling to find your own person, your own style.  It’s a time when 10 or more so years down the line you would grimace at the pictures of you shown in “baduy” outfits or things you would never be caught dead again wearing. 

But guess what?  I would advise you to embrace such “kabaduyan” or awkwardness.  Experiment with clothes. Wear whatever you feel like wearing.  Do not worry about what other people would think or measure up your own fashion sense to other people’s standards.  I know you go to a Catholic school (and from my own experience the Sisters might frown on this but go ahead anyway) but yeah, experiment with different ways of wearing your hair.  I know for now you insist on keeping it long.  Should you, however, feel like wanting to chop them all off, wear curls, or have a shaved nape underneath those long tresses, go ahead! Nanay will support you on that one (and even argue with Lola if I have to! Hehehe)

What I’m trying to really say, Anak is that how you look does not make your person.  It’s what is inside that truly matters and where you should spend more energy and time on.  I’m also saying that teenage years could be confusing and you’d be struggling with trying to define who you really are as a person.  Well, I’ve got news for you, that would never stop – that finding who you are.  That is a never ending process as long as you live and no matter how old you get.  So yeah, it’s okay to try on things but yeah within reasonable limits. BE CAREFUL NOT TO DO THINGS THAT LEADS TO LASTING CONSEQUENCES.  Do not trade momentary “joys” for a lifetime of regrets.  At your age, telling which is which could really be difficult.

Always pray so that you would always be mindful of God’s guidance.  And always talk to Nanay, Lola and Tatay to ask our opinion on things you’re trying to figure out for yourself.  Each of us might tell you different things and truths.  Take each one, and listen closely which tugs at your heart the most. 

It is Nanay’s wish that you would live up to your truth, Anak.  This sentence could be quite confusing for now but Nanay is always here to always talk to you about that one.  I could not and never wish to dictate you on how you ought to live your life but since I’ve been a teenager once, have and is struggling through adulthood, I could impart lessons and share with you things to help you avoid unnecessary pains.  But yeah, Nanay’s truth could be very far from your own.  Your life’s journey could be very different from mine.  But, Nanay (and Lola Linda and Lola Fely and Tatay and Mama Gaga, Ate Tunga, Ate Lian and the rest of the family for that matter) is here to hold your hand, back you up all throughout.  Your Papa might not be here anymore but his love for you shines and expresses itself through all of us.  Know that you are loved very much. 

I love you very much.  Happy, happy birthday.  Let’s have this conversation real soon when I’m back home.  Enjoy your day! 

Ageing Gracefully

Dear 30 year-old, don't sweat out the small stuff. Listen and be respectful of what others have to say but stick to your own values. You don't have to please everyone so don't go through lengths -- at the expense of having to compromise your own happiness and sense of self -- just so you can earn the "approval" of some people who do not care about you at all.

Value family. And I could not stress this enough.

Invest in yourself -- pursue your passion, have hobbies, travel, read more, learn more... Try your best to always be coming from the perspective of love. It's quite daunting but still try anyway. And this includes loving YOURSELF. You cannot give what you do not have.

And yeah, life is a process of learning, unlearning, relearning... So don't be afraid to make mistakes or change your mind... Just live. Take it a day at a time and enjoy your own "unfolding."

Love, a 40 year old...

Soon

It's a certain longing, a certain yearning that fills my heart when we're apart;
It's that smile and laughter that readily springs when we talk;
It's that lightness that fills me at the very thought of you;
It's the wanting to have your name escape my lips in every five sentences or so;
Its the overwhelming desire to share everything with you;
A thought, a line, an experience, a moment;
It's the wanting to touch, to reconnect, to intertwine in time;
I don't ask for much (though how I long for so much more);
I just want to be at the receiving end of the love reflected in your eyes...

"Face-Book"

It's one of my bad habits really, if one can call it that -- after accomplishing a really substantial task at work (a difficult section of a major report, or having finished a minor one), I would "crave" for facebook.  Very often, I would give in to the temptation, to give me some time of a "mental break" following any of those "technical task."  Yup, excuses, excuses hehehe  After all, almost everybody just loves to facebook, period.

But yeah, so here I am now, on my first "long" overseas assignment and coming in when there is so much to catch up with, there really is very little time to do facebook.  I must add though, that on two occasions, I certainly did manage to do so.

What urged me to pen this down really is the sudden realization that I have found my alternative to facebook and that is to discuss face-to-face with a colleague, books that we both love to read (separately that is).  And indeed, it has proven to be such a good mental break.

I find it refreshing to finally have a colleague to have book-chats with.  Although, lunch hour with the previous team also has it's "book-club-moments,"  books as a topic was not really a regular thing.  Right now though I enjoy in-between-tasks banter over books.  It's totally refreshing.

Funny, but I'm reminded of one of those intimate conversations I had with Tatay just before I left.  We were enumerating each others' good traits.  I grew thoughtful and told him how it just occurred to me the "logic" behind why it's him in my life and not anyone else.  I told him how he fits "exactly" the bill of what the current "me" needs. It sounds more selfish than what I really mean but there is no other way to express it for now.  And then, while I was telling him exactly that, I had an after thought and pointed out that -- except perhaps for the "books."  He knew right away what I meant.

Tatay and books are like water and oil.  They just don't mix.  I've been encouraging him to read short stories but short or not, it's just not up his alley and I totally understand.   So when I mentioned that he quickly asked, "What if you would find your "books" and have that person mindful of your well-being as well?  What then?"  I did not have to think long and hard to answer his question.  I asked him back, "What then?" To me it's a non-issue.  I thought then that I will be -- and now that it is happening to me, am -- grateful.  Beyond that, however, nothing would change.

The whole thing has made me think.  In the light of what Tatay "did" to me, a minute part of me is wondering if I would ever entertain the thought of retaliating, dishing him with a "payback" situation.  In truth?  Not really.  I'm much too... "simple" to ever want to complicate my life by making bad choices.  Besides, it's not just "my" choice to make.

So yeah, I'm way past the stage where I may swoon at the slightest hint of "alike-ness."  Well, I am not, "not affected" by it, that's for sure.  But yeah, I am much too simple... and perhaps getting far too old for wanting to change my relationship status into "it's complicated."  Besides, it's not just about me and of course it's a two-way thing.  And another thing, I have children!  And that, says it all.

Little Things

I remember having to stiffle a groan (sometimes I couldn't even help  myself) every time Forest would say, as an after thought, that she would need her bottle after all.  This would be just after we've washed up, said our prayers and finished reading a bedtime story.  This would be right around the time when we're just about to sleep and my body settling down for the much needed break.

Yet now, here I am - wishing I'm back home and making Forest her dede. Sigh, this is tough. 

God, grant me the grace to bear this cross. Hold me and my lovedones close to Your heart. Keep us all safe and protect us from temptation. I miss my little ones.

Safety Issues

The other day, we had a bit of plastic balloon day. It was brief since I spent the morning in the office.

Tonight, Rod and I had an interesting conversation. He "scolded" me for not being mindful about the bedroom's lock. 

A few week's back, Tatay had to destroy it since Forest got locked up inside while sleeping. We haven't found the time to replace it yet. Since Tatay is out for the night, the role of "man of the house" got delegated to him once again. And he takes that role very seriously. He double-checked all locks and thus lamented the fact we don't have one for the bedroom. When I told him I was not able to prioritize it because I recently got hospitalized and then there's the ongoing construction of our dining room extension, he wailed, "But what is more important, a beautiful house or our own safety?!" Huh! Where is that coming from? :p

Little Chefs

Yesterday was their third day for the Kiddie Crew workshop.  When we took them there, they told us they are making cheese burgers that day.  Little did I know that they will be provided with chef's hats and aprons.  Since I will be at work, I asked Ate Janin to take photos when they could.  It was a good thing because they all looked cute with their hats and aprons :)

Summer Workshop 2015

Today, the kids had their first day for their summer McDo Kiddie Crew workshop.  It’s the second time for Janin and Rod but truly a first for Forest. 

 It was amusing to note that Forest barely made it past the counter top at the receiving area of the store but she sure did look adorable.  The parents there had a fun time taking pictures and I was one of them.

Chona and Mamay dropped by to catch up with me and my plans about leaving.  It was a good time altogether.

Other photos:

Spending Time with the Kids

Had a very enjoyable day today with the kids.  We woke up late.  Being too lazy to bother with breakfast, Tatay suggested we went to Jollibee instead.  I thought he was referring to the branch in Ulas but when he took the gasul with us, I figured we must be heading to the Calinan branch since the Pryce refilling station is right along that route.  And right I was. It was already a little past 8 in the morning and so we did not bother to change into “going-out” get-ups.  I went with my Oxfam shirt and running shorts.  Forest had her matching Frozen shirt and shorts.  Tatay and Rod were wearing shorts as well.  Only Rod bothered to wear his Converse sneakers.  All the four of us were wearing slippers.

We ordered 1 pancake bunch (which the kids shared); 1 hotdog meal for the egg (the kids shared the hotdog); 1 chicken burger meal for Rod and 2 chicken meals for Tatay and I.  Tatay, Rod and I had a pineapple drink each while Forest relished the hot choco drink that gave her a cute little mustache and made her all the more adorable. 

We went to Dairy’s Best next where the kids had a field day ordering choco milk bars.  Tatay also treated us to a liter each of durian-flavored and melon-flavored fresh milks.  It sure made everyone’s day. 

It was such a full day.  We went back to the house to get ready for the mid-day Mass.  We were all quite lethargic and so we ended up being late for it.  Tatay and I would have wanted to sleep the more while Forest and Rod were glued to the “Songs of the Sea.”  It took a lot of frustrated urging from my end before they managed to get to the bathroom to shower. 

After the Mass, we went straight to Mc Donald’s for their Kiddie Crew orientation.  Yup, a bit “divergent” of our Tuburan ways but Kuya and Ate are joining.  Forest wanted in too so I thought it better to include her least she would feel deprived or something. Lola and Janin were late in coming but they managed to come right before the grand tour of the restaurant. 

To cap the day off, we watched Divergent.  It was a good movie albeit too many violence.  What I loved about it is that Rod and I got into talking about the “realness” of the fight scenes among others.  We got to talk about acting and camera trick.  My take-away is that Rod is indeed growing up.  His usual 101 questions are  now more… thought provoking.

Indeed so, since only yesterday, he also asked me about love scenes and why they are needed in the films.  Earlier yesterday, I lectured him about tinkering with my external hard drive since there are movies there that might be of adult content.  And so the above question.  I told him that films – the really good ones – are sometimes designed to depict real life and thus some of them are peppered with ‘love scenes’ since it’s a reality among married couples.  His rejoinder made me laugh and appreciate his mind.  He said, “Kawawa naman ang work nung actors, Nay no?  They would have to do that.”  I explained that often, in making scenes like those, very few people are allowed in the room where the scenes are being shot and thus making it a lot easier for the actors to “act” their part.  But I also affirmed that even though, those scenes would still be shown to a bigger audience, reaching a lot more.

I am grateful for the kind of relationship that Rod and I have.  I appreciate the fact that he never hesitates to ask me questions, consult me about anything that he thinks/ wonder about.  I’m glad that he still comes to me because it shows that he trusts that I will give him the right answers and that I would not judge him in any way for his questions.  I’m praying that we would maintain this same openness and that his trust in me would continue to grow…

Delighting in Today

I'm starting the countdown and trying my best to make each day count.  I'm just grateful that there were a lot of opportunities that made it possible for me to catch up with friends that I haven't seen for a while.  It's the time with the kids that I've been left wanting though.  There were just a lot of things that needed my attention these past few weeks.  So I was never really home with the kids.  By the time I get home, it's already really late and they're sleeping already.

Today, I worked from home and I'm glad I did.  I could see that the kids enjoyed my being around.  They've been asking me for the past weeks (ever since they knew I'm going away) whether I still have to go to the office.  Sadly, I had had to.  There was even an instance last week when Forest was learning how to ride the bike for the first time that I had to leave with Tatay later in the day. Forest was very vocal and expressed, "Hindi mo man kami love talaga, Nay. Dito ka lang!"

Today, I enjoyed Forest and Ate Janin tinkering with the piano.  I've worked from the clubhouse in the late afternoon and enjoyed simply being with them as they played with their bikes.  Tonight, I watched Rod and Forest draw.  I even helped Forest in the coloring when she asked me to.

Forest has been very clingy lately but I relish every moment of it.  I love how she's very vocal about expressing "I love you's" and how she would miss me when my time to leave would come.  Just tonight, while she was coloring her drawing, I sat there looking at her and found the scene really touching.  I called out, "I love you, Forest" to which she readily countered back with, "I love you, Nanay.  I will miss  you too!" Everything said in her cute, little voice.

I know I will miss the kids tremendously but I take comfort at the thought that being apart for now would only deepen our wanting to be there for each other.  This is the reason why we're now finding ways to do just that in whatever way we can be.

But yeah, thank you God for today, for the wonderful time I've spent with the kids.  It's a treasure I'll be keeping close to my heart to sustain me in the days ahead...

Pain

Softly hums
Intensifies
Tears insides apart

Reasons
Holds on to faith
Hope springs anew

Pain abates
Yet never departs
It's a constant ache

Leaving heart tender
Bruised
Scarred

Dora

And so I had my haircut.  Got varied reactions. The conversation in the car after picking me up from the parlor:

Tatay took one look and told me I cut it a tad too short and not to do it again
Rod: Hello, Dora.  (Bwahahaha) Oo nga, Nay.  Di masyado maganda.
Forest: Di gud, Nay. Bagay sa yo.  Maganda ka!
Rod: Well, boys kami ni Tatay so...

And I was like, "So that makes it more valid?" :P

A year ago today: Rod's First Overnight

Am having some slight separation anxiety. Left Rod in school for an overnight activity. Our family's first. I lingered for quite some time, wanting to make sure he is fine.

He was like, "Bye, Nay! Why are you still here? See you tomorrow!" I think he repeatedly said goodbye 5 times, sort of pushing me away. But he did give me a few lingering hugs as well. Sigh! Enjoy your stargazing activity, Rod. Enjoy the moon too!

Forest's Mimicking

Urging Forest to lead our prayer for the meals the "Tuburan-way," she happily did and then excitedly shared, "Alam mo, Nay, may bago kami. Pagkatapos kumain maghawakan ulit tapos magsabi, 'Salamat sa pagkaon.'  Tapos tayo agad." Very quickly she added, in her most gentle voice, "Jay, magtarong ug lingkod..." 

Probably noting my confusion, she said, "Oo, sabi rin ni Tita Vivian." Hehe 

#TuburanCommunity #BabyTales :)

In Omnibus Amare et Servire Domino

We’ve just marked another milestone in Rod’s life.  He had his First Communion this morning.  Last Friday, his Tatay and I went for a “dry-run” of the ceremony.  The parents were walked through the parts where we will be participating: the Recession and the actual receiving of the Holy Host. 

Even then, I was already emotional. It actually caught me off-guard.  I wasn’t expecting to be teary-eyed at all.  At one point, the children were practicing the songs for the Mass.  As expected, they were wrought with meaning, giving voice to my own beliefs and relationship with my God. That’s when I became emotional, when the significance of the occasion suddenly hit me. 

My spiritual journey – although initially was based largely on our family’s tradition – had certainly, along the way, became very personal.  It was a journey that shaped and cemented whatever relationship I have right now with my God.  And today, Rod had taken on that initial step of his own journey.  I know, in time, going to Church would not be something that he only does because it’s what we normally do every Sunday as a family but because he would have that yearning to go. I know, like me, he would find God not just in the confines of his school or in church but in all unlikely places.  I know different events in his life, different mentors and ‘guides’ would help shape for him his faith.  And I pray that he would have a very meaningful journey because his faith would play a very significant role in how he would conduct his life and in the choices that he’d make along the way.  I wish I could just pass on to him my own beliefs and convictions but I knew it’s something that he had to find on his own.  I could ‘show’ him, even tell him about what it’s like in my case but I knew he’d have a Spiritual journey with God that would be their own.

But yes, so much love… I hope and pray he’d find that as well. We prayed for all of that when we were on our way to Ateneo this morning.  I’m just grateful that early on he’d learned about ‘inclusivity’ through my work and the persons he’d come in contact with.

Just the other year, we’ve marked his turning of age having turned 7.  Today, we’ve turned another leaf.  My son is indeed well on his way. I hope and pray we, as parents, would be able to help him as much as we can along the way… serving, 'witnessing' in our own way and being mindful always of maintaining just the right ‘tension:’  neither too tight nor too loose… 

We love you so much, Rod.  Nanay and Tatay are always here for you. It is my deepest, dearest prayer that you will find and understand the true meaning of "In omnibus amare et servire Domino... In everything love and serve the Lord..."