Of Soulful Intentions and Truth

"I'm kicking myself now, Nanay.  Why, oh why did I "allow" you to go on a trek without me!  Because I wanted my own freedom too! I wanted to be able to do my own thing too.  Giuna lang nako ang akong laag! But the truth is I'm dying with jealousy here.  I could not believe you went on a trek without me.  Without me! And that you were perfectly fine with it too.... I wish I could really be happy that you're happy with having had the chance to go but I'm not.  I'm angry at myself for not being able to give you that happiness.  But I'm not happy.  I'm feeling tortured at the moment.  I can't believe I let you go on your own!" (All in Bisaya of course but these are the words to that effect.)

And I sat there dumbfounded because only a few hours ago, we were exchanging sweet nothings.  I was actually floating on air, feeling refreshed from the hike and being with nature and then there was Tatay, telling me how happy he was that I was happy.  What more could I ask for?

I got upset.  I got unhappy.  I could not believe he's telling me he's not happy.  I could not believe he's taking back everything that he said.  Every single thing that made me truly happy just a few moments ago!

For a moment, I felt anger.  I'm angry about how selfish he can be, how immature!  I'm broken-hearted about how it is so difficult for him to give me what would make me happy.  I don't ask for much.  I don't demand riches.  I don't demand material things!  I don't ask that he talk to me 24/7, send me sweet-nothings every minute of the day!  I just want a few moment of his attention every now and then.  I want a few virtual hugs thrown my way when I'm feeling down and bogged down with work.

I recognise he had to do his own thing too and I totally accept it! Of course I have my worries too when he goes on a climb and be with other women.  I get scared that he could slip and forget about me.  And yet, I can't waste my energy on worrying about these things.  I know my worth.  If he decides to throw me away because of other women, then so be it.  That is his problem not mine.  I don't need someone unfaithful to make me happy.  I could never be happy with that kind of person, anyway.  Never.

So yeah, I let him go.  Even tell him every time that I wish he would have fun and enjoy his trip.  I know he likes being around nature and being around people.  That's what makes him happy -- being the center of attention.  And so I let him be. Because, I love him and I'm truly trying my best to love him as he is!  Not, as what I want him to be or the image I have in my head as to what a "perfect" husband should be. I choose to be truthful in acknowledging who he really is as a person -- good things, flaws and all.  I then base my love around that --on his own, authentic self and not some blown-up illusions that I have!

So imagine how upset I felt in knowing he could not also accept me for who I am.  Or to give me what would truly make me happy.  Or to just even trust me or know me enough to be assured that I could never be unfaithful to him!  I think that was what saddened me most of all -- that he doesn't know me.

The morning before the climb actually, we had an argument.  He did not want me to go.  So I had to tell him exactly all these things -- not want me to be happy, etc. etc.  I pointed it out to him how I let him go and wish him luck even in all his trips and why he can't do the same for me.  So in the end he relented, saying, he genuinely wants me to be happy.  It's just that he is totally, irrationally, selfish when it comes to me.  He said he does not want anyone else touching my hand (imagine that!).  Even made me swear, I would ask a fellow woman for help should I need it during the trek!  Really!  And I had to roll my eyes over that.

Yet, when all my indignation settled, I began to see the silver lining behind all that.  I felt grateful that Tatay is so attuned with his feelings.  I am very thankful that he thinks over these things and that he expresses them all to me without sugar lining.  I am very grateful that he is that truthful with me.  That, while he wrestles with his own feelings, fears and ghosts, he chooses to express them all with me.  How beautiful is that?

I'm never one for wasting time on bull-shitting.  I have no patience for it.  I am all for being tactful and careful with words so as not to hurt other's feelings.  But, I could never tolerate being lied to.  I don't want to waste my time second-guessing what the other person really meant or whether he is really being sincere or is just taking me for a ride.  I don't have the energy for it.

This is the very reason why my default had always been to take everything at face-value.  Well, almost always.  When a person tells me something, I don't agonise or waste time analysing whether he or she is really being truthful with me.  I always tell myself, if that is what you are expressing to me right this instant, then so be it.  That is your truth and then I would respond accordingly as well -- from the core of my truth.

I may appear reserved and sometimes even shy but what you see, what I express,at any given time is who I am.  It stems from what's inside of me.  Sure, I would take a step back, think about what would be more tactful or less painful but I would never bullshit or tell you lies just because I know what you wanted to hear.  I simply don't see any value in it.  What would lie beget?  Another lie, isn't it?  Life is so short.  Why spend it playing games?  You'd only end up confusing yourself as well!  Where is the peace in that?  Why bother?

I am not perfect.  I never will be.  I always tell myself that I am still very much a work in progress.  But one thing I am certain is that I always seek to be as truthful as I could be.  I could not waste time and energy in playing games.  It's such a waste of a lifetime.

And yet, I've been played at, it seems.  It broke my heart, yes.  And for a while, it broke my peace.  I could not understand for the love of me how other people could play games.  I could not understand why there are people who would waste time and invest energy in making other people feel as if their friendship is genuine but then it really was not?  How?  Where is the integrity in that?  Can one be truly happy (with themselves) if they waste so much time playing games?  Why bother?  I could not understand.

But then again, I did not want to write about people not worth spending time over.  I wanted to write and celebrate Tatay's truth.  He is not perfect.  Far from it.  But oh my, he is beautiful and truthful.  Oh he could tell me white lies to get away with things true but I do know that where it matters?  At the soulful, core-truth level, Tatay is genuine.  And that is all that matters.  I would not want it in any other way.  Sure, he does not have such large, beautiful eyes that looks at you and makes you want to drown in them.  He has this slit, crinkly eyes that speaks so openly about how he feels inside. His eyes spoke of mirth, naughtiness, even haughtiness, true.  But most importantly, he has eyes that see right through me and acknowledge my own truth and loves me for who I really am. What could be more important than that?

I love you, Tatay.  I am truly grateful we have this kind of relationship.  I am brought back to the many instances wherein we could spend countless hours just talking.  We truly enjoy talking with each other. Sure, we could not talk about books and share the same taste in songs.  Yer, we talk about everything -- what your views and feelings are on certain things... what are your uncertainties, what are mine...  We can talk about the universe... about who I am and you don't hesitate to call me out on whatever drama I'm in.  You know me THAT well.  And that makes me feel truly cherished, acknowledged and loved.  Because, I am loved for who I really am.  And because of that, I love you as much in full measure.

You are indeed after my own soul...

(Sounds of) Zorgaven

Rippling brook

Croaking frogs
Chirping birds
Rustling leaves,
Of the canopy above

Thump of feet
On solid ground
Slipping on rocks
Swishing of clothing
As one treks up ahead

Crackling of fire
Splitting of wood
Hiss of boiling water
Shish of tea
being poured on cup

Lightning static
Clap of thunder
Swoosh of wind
Rain falling gently,
Drip-dropping on the tent

Kurdish music
Erupting laughter
Boisterous clapping
Rythmic stumping
Of feet

Zipping of tents
Being opened
Slap of feet
Being slipped on
Whispered, "bayani bash"

Thumping walking stick
On rocks
Quick intake of breath
As thorns break
Into skin

Ripping sound
Of thorns
Breaking away
From fabric
A hiss from pain

Peaceful quiet
As one watched awed
By the wonderful sight,
Of the valley
Far below.

The Beginning of an End

I was sitting down working at an immediate task but at the same time, thinking also of the things I need to be wrapping up, work-wise, before I leave.  I was suddenly brought back to the time when the family was still deciding on my coming here.

That was  two years ago.  How time flies.  I remember how Rod was giving me a hard time.  He said he does not want to see me go.  He was pretty stubborn about it too, not wanting to talk to me.  But Tatay, when I least expected it, stepped in to say, "But Nanay had to do this for herself, Rod.  She had to find out for herself if she can do it.  We cannot take that away from her.  Then after that she will be home."  Or words to that effect and of course in Tagalog-Bisaya.

And indeed, I've "found out" so much in the past two years.  I've learned that:

- I can do it
- There is always something one can contribute
- I am much, much stronger than I thought
- Indeed it is very difficult to be away from the family, the children most of all
- Love for one's country, one's causes can also extend to places where you find yourself in
- Love comes in various form and levels
- I've reaffirmed that I love passionately and give more of me in whatever "role" and "responsibility" I find myself in
- I am human. I get lonely, gets depressed, can be very petty, and gets tired
- I do rise again... work again... give more of me again despite having bouts of exhaustion
- Love conquers distance.  You always find a way.
- I am loyal, know my limits well and operate within them
- My circle of closest friends can still expand and can be composed of people I've just met, share no history with but have instant connection and shared values (I so love my Kurdish "family")
- My God finds me whereever I may be and continue to bless me immensely
- I am indeed blessed, so much blessed in so many aspects of my life

I've learned so much in the past two years that I've been here.  Now that I'm taking steps of wrapping things up, I get melancholic.

I am finally leaving.  I'm counting the weeks.  Who knew that what was initially planned to be just a three-month "see-for-myself-get-right-back-home" could expand into two years?  I remember telling myself, "Okay, I'll give myself a full four season cycle." But since then, I've spent two of each -- summer, autumn, winter and spring.  I'd be leaving, inshallah, on my third summer  here.  And summer is phenomenal in Iraq hehehe

I remember taking my two-month break last year and came back during summer.  The heat immediately engulfed me as soon as I stepped out of the plane.  Then on my second day, we hit 50 degrees.

Oh! but the warmth I felt here from colleagues and friends. I've been embraced like family and taken into their homes without hesitation.  For which I am truly grateful.  I've suffered indigestion twice after such visits, having eaten so much food! :)  I'll miss all of these for sure.You  don't know just how you've all settled into this tiny chamber in the corner of my heart.

I'd miss Kurdistan's mountains and its landscape's ever changing hue -- white, green, a distinct shade of yellow, brown... and spring's splashes of color here and there... These never fail to enthrall me during my 5 to 6 travel to and from Erbil-Kalar.

But for now, I still have enough time. I've been everywhere but I've been here the longest, away from home.  So, I'm making the most of my remaining weeks.  I'm gonna be working like crazy (that would not change) to properly wrap things up.  But, I would also be hoarding a lot of these memories while I still can...

One True Source

So I had to take this Tetanus Toxoid shot since I stepped on a nasty nail yesterday.  I went to our accredited hospital.  The funny thing is that it turned out that there is an existing law over here that such shots can only be administered by the public hospitals and not by private ones.  I had then to go to this public hospital.  The good thing was that a nurse from the private hospital accompanied us and it helped in facilitating everything.

I had to wait for a while since they have to check for allergic reaction.  So I sat there in a corner of the emergency room.  Across me, but a little farther away, is a little boy being given blood transfusion, crying his heart out.  I watch while the Mom tries to give him comfort by saying soothing things and rubbing his other hand where no tubes are attached.  I wondered what was wrong with him and why the need for blood.

There was another child who does not appear as badly hurt but is clinging on to his Mom quite tightly.  I've seen a case of a broken nose and what not's.  It was depressing and I felt my energy dropped all the more.

As I tried to get myself settled, and make good use of my time there, I tried to raise my energy, wanting to give an outpouring of support.  I was tired and ailing but I tried what I can.  Just as I was to finish, I turned and saw that another woman was also bowing behind the curtains beside me, saying her evening prayers.

I sat there and noted how awhile back I tried to ascertain how I should pray given the context where I am. Even in my silent, secret praying, I was trying to be sensitive.  And then I simply acknowledged that we really have just One True Source, we just call that Supreme Entity in different names.

Here's sending out a prayer to all who were in that hospital -- both ailing and their families alike.  It also is never easy for family to see their loved ones suffer.  It's especially hard for parents of small children.

I am running on empty as of the moment.  So raw with exhaustion both physically and emotionally.  Here's praying for my "replenishment." So help me, Baba.

Of Rivers and Rain (Heshta Xoshm Aweit)

For months
Fooled myself into thinking,
I've forgotten everything
I'm finally okay

I almost believed it
Thought, "there that was easy."
Just spend less time, ignore.
Everything will go away

Then out of the blue,
There you were
Proposing things
I've longed to share with you

Quiet moments
Togetherness
Revolving around
Music and words.

The flood gates opened
I have not forgotten
Everything was just dormant
Listing away, waiting

Much like a river
That dries up in the summer
But flows again when the rain comes
You were that rain.

Heshta Xusheim Aweit.

Letter to Forest on her Moving Up Ceremony

Six years ago. Two days from now, we'd be marking another milestone - "bridging over." In 2 months, you'd be a full-fledge 7 year old, on the verge of your next phase of growth.

I have little regrets, my Little One. I've always believed in counting my blessings instead. But with you, ah... Nanay missed a lot. I've been away a lot. We've been very creative, bridging that distance and yet I feel the loss each time.

I'm sorry if Nanay had not been there to hold your hand for the most part. I have not for a single day, however, "unheld" you from my heart.  I'm sorry to have missed a lot. Nanay promises to be there more often for the second phase, holding your hand for most of the days.

You are my life. I see so much of me in you and yet you are uniquely, delightfully, your own person. I see that everyday now -- your wit, quick mind, happy, innocent countenance. It was my loss to have missed the first part of your unfolding.  But, I also know who you are and who I am now are bourne out of the set of circumstances defining our recent past. So there is also gratitude in that.

I could only look forward to our soon to be recent present and future. It's the promise if that, where I draw my strength from. Here's shouting to the universe my love for you, Forest and how proud I am of you. I love you, hurot.

Women Power

So I sat in this taxi, in the middle of Ethiopian traffic. I'm listening to this deejay from the radio talking about Pakistan"s pink taxi hitting the road tomorrow. They would be driven by women. They're intended to be an all-women taxi for women. This, to counter sexual harassment incidents.

To me that was significant because I just came from the Ethiopian National Museum to see Lucy.

Now, of all the "artifacts" that would have to tell a story about the "transition" of man from a tree-climbing, stooping primate into that of the upright, walking Homo sapiens, it had to be a woman. But of course! :)

It was an interesting visit at the museum, made more so because of the guide there. I had always wondered what makes Lucy so special. And he was right there, facing us and asking the question loudly. He then said that because of all the artifacts ever found, hers simply has more "pieces." Pieces, that yielded more information, weaving a more intricate story. Right then and there I felt more affinity towards her. After all, I love to tell stories too.

Lucy was/is the in-between, the link that resolves the disconnect. And how powerful is that? That it had to be a woman evokes in me a lot of mixed emotions. Come to think of it, women, throughout history have consistently demonstrated that they play a very significant role. That they've yielded power, in the same way that men did. And yet, somewhere a long the way, women have been subjugated. Silenced. Made mute. 

Oh, I'm not about to strike a debate about feminism. Nor, do I wish to start a fight with the supposedly-enemy (men). I just find Lucy's story so mind boggling. I looked at her, bones and all, lying there, so quiet. And yet, every bit and pieces of her, every bone, and every cracks in them weave such a powerful story about the history of the modern human being.

As we walked through the other parts of the museum, our guide took us to this imposing photo of what is said to be a depiction of the modern man's great, great ancestor. He pointed and said, "Look, meet your grandfather. He is asking where you've been!" Then he added, "You had to get a visa to get here, right? But here's your ancestor. You are, in every aspect, Ethiopian." That made me smile.

Where have I been? I've been everywhere. Blessed enough to have had lots of opportunities to move around and in the process make a contribution in my own little way as well. I am the modern Lucy, brave enough to stand upright and inch my way bit by bit towards the fulfillment of my dreams. Thank you, God.

Usman

Meet Usman. Tonight's gift. We were eating at a street cafe, enjoying our shawarma when he came, lugging his heavy keyboard and sat in the table next to ours.

He played, "where do I begin to tell the story..." And it was indeed a night of stories.

His first story was how today,  he wore a woman's pair of shoes over his shoulders and played on the streets. He said it was in honor of the women for today's Intl Women's Day. Then he said, nowadays you can find Chekov's and Sarte's books being sold on the streets, very cheap. But shoes, they placed on fancy display cases and sold at such steep prices. It tells you that nowadays, cultivating the mind is not priced (or prioritized) very high.

He then proceeded to tell us about his daughter who came home one day and announced she had fallen greatly inlove. Now, in this context that's not something any daughter can say. She'd end up really hurt (or even worse) from doing so. He said, he stopped playing the piano, stood up and kissed her hand. Then he said, "Good for you!"

The next day, the man came asking for her hand in marriage saying he's ready to buy all the gold that he would require of him for her. He told him, "I don't need your gold for my daughter. What I want you to do is to buy her flowers everyday." Then he told us, to this day, he still brings her flowers... It was but an hour of conversation but eternities were exchanged. He said at one point, we all are but stories. Indeed... Indeed. What story are you leaving the world? #fellowtraveller #stories #travels #passingthrough #today'sgem #traveltreasures

Be

Today was a good day. There was a lot of learning for me, work-wise and even at a personal level.  I’m not gonna go into the boring details of talking about work.  Also, the urgency I’ve felt to pen these “aha-moments” down is something deeper than my realizations on how I can do my work better…

So I sat there listening, interacting and learning on a more cerebral level.  And then, out of the blue it hit me.  Maybe it had something to do with who the person is but looking at him, I thought about Rod.  I remember a particular incident wherein a classmate tagged him in an fb post and making a reference to his effeminate mannerisms.  I know it is childhood innocence at play but I remember being a bit upset about it. My motherly, protective instinct got amped really high. 

I think some part of me is remembering as well how children can be cruel too.  I’ve had my share of that while growing up.  And yes, of course that is all processed and forgiven.  I’ve come a long way but what I could remember from it, was that it was a pain I want to spare my children from. 

So back to that incident, I remember getting in touch with Tatay right away to check on Rod.  To ask him to ask Rod carefully whether he might be getting somewhat bullied in school but is just not telling us.  I remember getting in touch with Rod right away and asking the same thing.  Of course, I tried my best to handle it really well.  I know ensuring that your child continues to trust you on most things is very important and that very little could break that trust. 

Anyway, so all of these things were running in my head (at, probably, one hundred miles per minute as everything was very quick.  I guess being attuned to the universe, one gains the aptitude for thought processes running within close range of the speed of light wahehe!).   I was also brought back to the time when Tatay and I would have conversations on this and how relieved I was in knowing that like me, our children’s being who they are comes part and parcel of our love for them – unconditional and a given.  And not something that had to be a certain way before we can respond accordingly.  To me that’s a big thing, knowing Tatay loves our children and that he do not have this notion, picture in his head as to how they should be. 

I had an inkling of this when Rod totally shied away from soccer.  I thought Tatay had this dream of having his son follow on his footsteps and become another football “somebody” in his own little way. When it turned out Rod doesn’t want any of it, Tatay did nothing.  He was like, just shrugged it off and that was that.  I guess I was the one more wanting Rod to reconsider.    Me and that image in my head – the should’s and the-what-ought-to-be’s (rolling of the eyes here). 

So, that’s when it hit me.  As parents, we often have dreams for our children.  We work so hard – well, at least in our case – to make sure that we are able to afford them with as much opportunity as we can. And by dreams, we often have this notion that it comes in the form of achieving something – becoming a doctor, a lawyer, a businessman or finding themselves doing something that they love like being a visual artist, a musician, a writer or what have-you’s.  But do we ever for one minute just consider, letting them be, letting them unfold to whoever they want to be. 

Oh this is something we think about and very seriously consider.  But even so, I have to admit that it is something that I am not truly conscious about.  I remember writing about in my letter to Rod when I was still pregnant with him about how I am holding my breath in anticipation to being a witness to his own becoming… I still do, but often being in the world, we lose our way and become trapped in all these societal, popular notion of what “success” looks like and wanting that for our children.  But now, sitting here, thinking about this more fully, “success” should be equated with our children, growing up to be persons expressing their truth (whatever that is) freely, joyfully and without fear.  I don’t even want to talk about “potential” because that gets easily tainted with all those “societal notions.” 

But yeah, how often do we allow ourselves to think and define this so-called success as them, simply becoming their authentic self? To be, become, unfold into the persons they are meant to be?  Like freely choosing, defining for themselves what their sexual orientation would be, food preferences, the things that they value and hold dear, and the causes they would want to believe in and fight for?  To be able to express themselves, their truth in ways they would want to?

And how as parents do we ever "prepare" for that? Right now, the answer that readily comes to mind is really to love... To make them grow up secure in the knowledge that as they define themselves, we are here -- to hold their hand, love without judgment and ever ready to have their back no matter what. That no matter if they would be judged, criticized by others for the choices that they make, they can count on us to be there, ready to listen and have faith in them. That though as parents (as distinct individuals ourselves) we may not often understand what they may choose for themselves, we know that these sprung forth from within them, dictated by their own truth and something we ought to respect as well.  That and maybe also always working hard at being more conscious of our parenting… of being our own authentic self as well… Because, children also learn by watching us.  We are, after all, their “first line” where “education” is concerned.  We are the most closest to them and the one they identify with the most… Whew! Such a tall order.  Abba God, help me.

In Time

Dreaming of strings

Strums, strums
Fingers on air
Palm slaps on thighs
Music in my head
And in my heart

Clearing my head
Of work thoughts
Numbers phasing
Technical
Factual words
Of world gone crazy

Traveling inwards
Remembering
Soulful intentions
Drama
Life as a stage
Golden through Iron Age

All will be well,
In time
Om Shanti.

Never Enough

T'is never enough, it seems,

Some exchanges, a few words

A glance, 

A smile.

Moments gone too soon

Inadvertently left wanting

Needing more

Time to be together

Thankful
For green tea
Back and forth at the door
Chased through the gate

Completed my day. 

Recharging Batteries

I was feeling low, having those thoughts when Tatay came on Skype to ask me why I'm not sleeping yet.  I told him what my thoughts are and he immediately called me.  Over chat he had already told me that these things are beyond my control and even made reference to the universe.

Seeing me crying, he urged me to just come home saying I'm stressed in more ways than one being where I am. He then tried to soothe me with small words of comfort, urging me to go to take my much needed sleep.  And I feel grateful.  Tatay knows me well.  He knows me well enough to not dismiss all that I'm feeling as drama... Or even just to wonder why I should feel that way.  And there's affirmation in that, in being understood, on knowing where I'm coming from.

I remember having this conversation with Jenny before, as to how I don't really need a partner who would give me the sun and the moon... someone who would be able to provide me with all the material comfort I need. These things are not that important to me because I know I am more than capable of providing myself those things.  And besides, my needs and wants are simple. I remember telling her, I need someone who would be there for me.  Someone who would hold my hand and listen to me.  I remember saying something like, "someone I can curl up next to, to give me the much-needed hugs, replenishing all the energy that I have lost from pursuing my many causes... I need someone who can 'recharge' me.  So I can go up and leave again and fight my battles anew."

In more ways than one, that's what Tatay is to me.  Though he can also be my source of stress (indeed!), I do know that he is my quiet anchor, next to God and family.  Simply, by "getting" me, "knowing" me in ways that no one would.  I love you, Tay.  Thanks  for being that steady (sometimes erratic pag saputon), source of affirmation.

On the Edges of Infinity

When I think of tenderness,

I think of you

I doubt not the love that you feel for me

Even if when I thought about pain,

It’s you who comes to mind as well.

When I thought about connection,

I think about what we have

That instant undeniable recognition

Intensity from day one,

Got nurtured in time.

I met you when I was doing something I love

Surrounded by everything that helps complete me

We were in the midst of the woods

Stood in awe of a great waterfall

Running through trails

From then on

We found ourselves constantly

In nature’s midst

Often  on top of a mountain

Amidst raging surf, braving the sea

You were my adventure buddy

Still is

Always will be

So many places to see

And explore still

With you

I feared nothing

Despite my physical fragility

You and my strong resolve

Compensate for what I lack

So while I maybe away

Often alone

Sometimes in need of affirmation

I think of you and what we have

It’s enough to get me through the day

You brought me laughter

Even the greatest pain

I am well awake though to know

That we’ve decided on this

On the edges of infinity

To help each other along

Confront our lack

Come full circle…

I love you, B.

On The Right Track

For the past two days now, Tatay has been sending sweet nothings thru SMS.  It's a far cry from the usual jealous outbursts of the past few months.  And those were really trying months for me.  It was difficult juggling work and at the same time, on the side I have to tend with a "wrathful" hubby breathing down my neck and being emotionally challenging.  But yeah these two days had been bliss.

Yesterday, he started by asking me how I was and then proceeded to tell me how his day was. He was supervising some work on a project he was sub-contracted for.  He was actually just beating up his chest, playing proud and all and wanting praise from me.  It was adorable and quite like the Bee I fell in love with 14 years ago.  Of course I told him how proud I was of him and how happy I was to see him so happy.

We talked about a lot of things just like the old times.  He asked me if we could sponsor some school supplies for a community in Sarangani.  I told him to involve the children.  He said they could not go to the actual distribution as it is quite far and he had another outdoor activity to attend to.  We settled with having the children buy the school supplies.  That way, they would also be aware that the family does such things.  And while we were having this conversation, I felt grateful once again that for all our differences, we have shared vision where rearing up the children this way is concerned.  It is very important to me that the children would grow up always coming from the perspective of love and always looking for ways of being able to contribute.  And I am happy that Tatay share that as well.

Yesterday, he ended our conversation (littered with iloveyou's) by thanking me for everything I've done for him and the family. I reminded him I would not be able to do everything without him and Mama's support.  I thanked him as well.

The past two years had been the most challenging for us. I've gone through hell.  There were times I've been very ready to just give up and walk away.  But always, I know deep down the commitment is real and that the love is genuine.  I may have questioned that at certain points in the past two years given what happened but I do know this one's for real.  I must admit that fear of trusting and being hurt all over again is something I still feel.  But I do know deep down, we're both in here for the long haul.  One do not just walk away from a sacred contract.  When there's a breach, you don't just burn the contract and walk away.  You give it another try and hope against hope that you've made the right decision to trust again...

Ring and Bracelets

Ring dropped
Picked up
Tried
Too small for yours
Too big for mine

Much like
What we have now
Shared affection
Yet circumstance
Don't make way for rings

Let's settle
For bracelets then
Silvery ones
Embraces
But never shackles...

Just That

I desire not to posses
Nor to label
Anything
That might be there
Or might not be

I just want to live
The moment
Acknowledge
What the heart whispers
Not what the intellect interjects

I dream not of forever
Or what could be
That's far too beyond
What is now
And might not come

I have no want
Of promises
Or grand gestures
Nor to agitate
Over what tomorrow brings

I just want
What's now
Seize the moment
Love when I could
While I still could

Nothing much
But shared
Conversation
Laughter
A touch or two...

Today

Popped
Conversations
Taking photos of
Sunsets
Full moon
Bag gesture
Seated
Snip of a moment
Today

Chains

In the veil of the dark,
Chains raised
Bowed head
Passing through

Casual gesture
Nothing extraordinary
But it was a moment
In time with you

So treasured
It is
Kept in that corner
That contains memories of you...

Restless

Restlessness pays again a visit,

Afflicting my veins,

Wishing to be somewhere else,

Curled up with a book,

Music surrounding me.

I long to be by your side,

Listening to the same songs,

Hands inter-twined,

Heads huddled together,

Soul to soul communion.

Dreaming of gazing into your eyes,

Thoughtful and beautiful,

I want to sing songs with you,

To discuss the meaning,

Unspoken behind the words.

So many things unsaid,

Assumed,

Misunderstood,

As we deal with this distance,

Separating us.

So let’s cross this chasm,

Make things happen,

Say things anyway,

For love never knows,

Distance or bounds.

Mahal Kita.

Xushm Aweit.

Till Sunrise

A full day,
Cerebral tasks.
Hurried,
But never-ending.
Done with one,
Two more to go.

Time-consuming,
Details galore.
Moments tick by,
Caused inconvenience.
Guilt-ridden,
Eased by reassurance.

Impatience,
None.
Stalled time,
Yes.
But till sunrise,
I'll wait.

Virtual Party Unplanned

Planned "meeting" taking place,
It's your special day today.
Defying distance,
Te quiero's sent across the miles.

Unplanned virtual rendezvous,
Exchange of mirth.
Engulfed in camaraderie,
Teasing banter ensued

Planned exchange of stories,
Looking forward to the day.
Grateful for kindred spirits,
Binded by common love for offsprings.

Thank you God for unplanned, special moments that made Tatay's 36th truly happy-filled. Grateful.

Nothing but a Moment

A quick hello,
Passing by.
Turned down invitation,
Shoulders shrugged.
A change of mind,
Momentary discourse.

Fooling oneself,
Nothing extraordinary.
Un-comfortable silence,
Small talk attempts.
Slight touch of hands,
Illusion crumbles.

Nonchalant stance,
Nothing amiss.
Stifling a grin,
Had to turn away.
As eyes can't hide mirth,
When heart overflows...

Orbital Blog

Here's affirming my commitment to the unfolding of my truth so I could in turn, be able to give a more genuine contribution in whatever time and place I may find myself in. Here's lifting up my entire being in thanksgiving and gratitude to my God who have consistently directed my pathm, provided for my needs and given me the desires of my heart even before I knew what they were. I'll never tire of saying this-- such a wonderful tapestry you've made my life to be, Lord. Salamat, salamat... Zor spas. Shukran. Merci. Teshukar Iderrim. Thank you.

Rod: What I Want To Be

It's been awhile but finally, we again had our usual soul-to-soul conversation:

Me: At ten, Rod, I somehow knew already what I wanted to do... (describing the historical event that led me to my realization)

Rod: I want to be like you, 'Nay (my heart stopped and I immediately became teary eyed). But I might become a vet as well. I feel for people too. At school when there are vendors who do not get a sale, I buy their food even if I don't like them. But I feel for dogs and animals also (describing to me a story he read about someone who decided to become a vet after losing a dog).

Well, you could be anything, Anak. As long as you're not hurting other people to become what you want to be. Nanay and Tatay will try our best to support you all the way. I love you to the moon and back.

Sunsets

Photo credit: Tata Abella-Bolo

Restless,
Can't be still,
Can't wait for the days to be over.

Busy,
Engaged,
With very limited time remaining.

A hundred and one tasks,
With seeming,
No moment to spare.

Yet I do,
Find a few,
To sneak in thoughts of you.

Time,
Space,
Separates you from me.

Yet I,
Am kept more alive,
As seconds passed idly by.

Can't wait,
For sunsets,
That bring you closer to me.

Face to face,
Sometimes,
Even a ray's touch or two.

Oh such a sight,
To behold,
Golden, beaming, hue.

Being There, Remotely

"Tapos wala ka diri, 'Nay ba!" (And you're not here, Nanay!) Tatay repeated that statement for the third time. I got him right away. He's in a bind and he needed me to be there so once again I can help him gain a better perspective. And so I did just that.

Over the phone, I calmed him, helped him see sense. He is obviously upset but "hearing" me so calm, not angry at the other end of the line must have helped because he mellowed somewhat. Over the line, I sent over my love and he must have sensed that. I had to call a friend, ask a favor, make phone calls and online transfers in between flights but everything got settled eventually.

At the end of it all, got several messages of apologies and gratitude from Tatay for handling the situation the way I did and for understanding. "I love you's" got exchanged several times.

Maneuvering marriage, long-distance, is quite a challenge. Situations that had to be addressed together could prove to be difficult but yeah, not impossible.  One has to be patient and love enough to make the effort.

As I sit here again alone in an airport somewhere, these thoughts are what's running on my head. For a month, we would have to switch again to "remote-partnership." I again would have to work at being a good "remote" parent. But by God and by love, I know it can be done. I miss the little arms around my neck and the butterfly kisses though. Just one more month!

Sacred Contract

You told me, you sit in silence at the top

Thinking, longing for me.

Were you thinking

Of how things are shaping up?

Intention behind certain insistence, 

Suddenly crystal clear?

I come from the position of love.

Always.

Decisions are based on nothing but.

If I give my all

In everything else, 

How much more for you?

You are me.

We are one.

My own unfolding is tied up with yours.

I am much committed to your own,

As my own becoming.

I sit in silence and think

How it had to be me in your life.

Because I would stay

When everyone else had left

Despite self-preservation lashing back

That caused me so much pain.

You see,

There's no pushing me away.

I am whole

Where you are broken.

I have signed up for this

Long before the rebirth.

So lick your wounds

Stop thinking you're unworthy.

You are

Worth all the love

I can give

And much more.

I love you, B.

Working at Loving Better Everyday

Today's gem: Tatay and I texting, with him telling me his back ached from carrying both Rod and Forest for a long time. Ate Janin's celebrity idols are in town for the city's charter day celebration. Since there was quite a crowd, Tatay had to swing Forest over his neck and carry Rod so they both could see the stage.

My heart expanded at the picture he was describing. He almost did not go since Ate Janin disappeared at midday without asking permission. I had to coax him, pointing out it would be a missed opportunity. Good thing he listened. That's what I love about him. Most of the time he listens. And he sure tries so hard to be better at loving the children. We both do.

Thank you, God. We are not perfect parents. We are still very much a work in progress as individual persons but thank You for giving us the grace each time to work at being better persons, better parents... More loving and discerning...  

Of Forest, Treks and Spending Time

There were a lot of "gifts" yesterday.  One was in finally being able to go on a trek in Kurdistan.  While it is not the usual adrenaline-pumping, "conquered-much-of-myself" mountaineering feat, I felt grateful just the same. I never thought I could go on a trek here.

Another one is spending time with colleagues.  Albeit most of our staff are really young, it was fun just spending a day with them. The culture here is not much different from home.  Family is of utmost importance as well.  

Speaking of family, another gem was talking to Forest on the phone.  I miss her and her cute little voice, just thinking about it.  She relayed to me how she got sick one time and I was not there.  She was not certain of the date and so she had to ask Lola when was it she got sick.  She repeated the line, "when Nanay was not here."  My daughter is feeling my absence.  More than anything, she wants me to be there when she gets sick.  Whose child wouldn't? Sigh. A few more months, Anak.  I am grateful we are afforded to see each other every three months.  Others are not as lucky, especially those who gets to go home only every two years.  And yet, it's true.  Whether 3 months or 2 years, I know I am missing much of your growing up years.  I know you have that longing to have me there as often as possible.  

Sending you hugs and kisses, Forest from across the miles.  I miss you so much.

Of Spreadsheets and Intimacy

Today's gem: Tatay and I sharing screens in Skype and worked out an excel sheet of our monthly budget.

It felt very intimate to me no matter how unromantic spreadsheets and numbers could be. I liked the fact that we were working together, making adjustments together. I loved the fact that despite the distance, we still find ways to connect and to make our marriage function as it should.

Thank you, God for the grace. 

Conversations

Today's gem is more related to the homefront than work related.  And I must add, it had been quite a while since we've had this kind of a gem.

Tatay went caving last Saturday.  He had a great time and I was really happy about that and for him. It's Sunday, so while it is the beginning of work-week for me, it's actually a weekend at home.  So during breaks, he and the children would sneak in a Skype call.  At one of these calls Tatay joked, "Why haven't you liked my facebook post on the pictures from the caving yet? You would be the 1,000th liker by the time you would!"

He rarely ever posts anything in social media so I figured the photos (of him, most likely than not), must be really good.  And so I checked it out later that day. True enough, I loved him in those photos.  He looked so carefree and happy.

Our evening conversation was mostly on what happened during the caving.  I asked him if it was the same one we went to a few years back.  One of the photos looked familiar.  He told me that it is a different one.  I asked if he could take me there and he said he would love to.  I asked if it's okay for the children and he told me he isn't quite sure about that. He said we could perhaps go when I arrive and I told him I have a very short homestay and would want to spend it more with the kids.

We just bantered on and on until I realised how we haven't had this kind of conversation for a long time.  I immediately pointed it to Tatay.  I told him it is refreshing and happy to be talking that way again. I told him it was made possible because of the fact that he did something for himself, apart from a "you-and-me" experience.  I said that is why it is important for us to be doing things differently and be involved with individual pursuits so we could bring something new to the relationship.  Then I added that, that is also why he should allow me to explore a bit, on my own.  So I can also bring in something to the table and have something exciting to share with him as well.

Typical of him, he readily pointed out that yesterday, I also called him up to share about my incident with the child in Kirkuk.  He said I do not necessarily have to venture out to be able to share with him something.  I told him, I would also love to share something fun and exciting with him.  Then he countered, he really wanted me to travel as well and do something exciting but what worries him is how safe I would be.  It sounded cheesy but knowing him, I know he meant it sincerely.  He then pointed out that I am traveling again real soon for a leisure kind and that he's okay with it albeit with reservations. Oh and yeah, I've traveled in the past for leisure where he's not with me and it's fine.  In most cases though I was with family so I guess he's okay with it.  But yeah, I'm certainly looking forward to having more conversations with him.

IQ Chronicles: If Only's

Picture this: you are sitting in the car, looking out the window. You see the houses you're passing by but not really seeing them. You are trying to make sense of all that you're feeling. 

You thought about how the house you just came from have no doors to keep them secure. You thought about how awhile back, you had to refuse some men and women asking for rice because what you brought was intended only for the participants of the FGD. Much as you want to give them the remaining ones, you could not because there is not enough for everyone. You could not just give to a select few. Doing so might only lead to fighting amongst them.

You wonder how fast the information had spread that even those from the other sector came.  You came strictly for that validation and brought only enough and a few extra. It wasn't an intended distribution after all.

Amidst all that, you had also been very conscious of the time. You are returning back to base, 4 hours away by car and you are already running late. The discussion with the women was lengthy and the chaos that ensued in the giving of rice added to that. You worry about having to travel in the dark. You worry about the driver who would have to travel 2 and a half hours back, in a deepening night. It was an exhausting week (and even the two weeks before that) but there is no room for you to even think about how tired you are.

Then, out of the corner of your eye, you noticed some movement behind the car. When you look back, you see the same boy who earlier, asked for rice, running after your car. Earlier, you had asked about his Mum and whether she was part of the "meeting."  He had said she was not. In the chaos that ensued, you only managed a few lines of apology and then had to leave. 

You've covered around 3 blocks already and you wonder how he must have ran all the way. He looked like he's only eight. You were grateful the  road was bad and so that slowed you down.  Otherwise, you shudder at the thought of him running all that distance for nothing.  It would have been unlikely that you'd notice him if you had traveled at a faster pace. 

Before you knew it, the floodgates opened. Without warning, you found yourself  crying in the car. You've stopped the car of course. The rice was in the other vehicle at the rear. You only have the remaining juice and so you initially offered that to him. He said, he needed the rice more. You felt your heart break to even smaller pieces.

You waited for the other car and eventually you were able to give him the rice that he wanted. He said he has four other siblings with his mother and they really need the rice.

You looked at him and you are amaze to just see him smiling. He did not show any sign of tiredness. You tried looking for that determined expression you saw on his face when you first caught a glance of him. It was unforgettable. It made your heart skip a beat. For now though, his face is simply aglow as he clutch the rice close to his chest.

Again, you felt your heart being squeezed from within. And you begin to wish for a million other possibilities. You begin again that inner dialogue that starts with "if only's."

Then you have to walk away, return his smile as you try to hide your tears.  As you walk towards your car and as you start to move away, you acknowledge that once again you are not the same person you were a few moments back. You've left a little of yourself with that boy and with the women. You've also managed to take so much from those encounters.

As you journey on, you think about love and how you have so much more to give. Yet at the same time, you think about your loved ones, especially the little ones you've left behind to pursue your passion. And once again you're torn to a little million pieces...

IQ Chronicles: You Saved Me

I found two gems today. It was a very productive day. I am tired but I feel fulfilled. A lot took my attention today as there were a myriad tasks but I feel grateful that I did not feel rushed or anything. It's as if I was flowing exactly as I should.

One of today's gem happened while I was consolidating FGD results. Some two weeks ago, I had my first field visit for the year. I had 3 FGD session in 3 of the villages we were working in. They were all with women. They were beneficiaries of our cash for work project. It was our first attempt at engaging the women to do the actual work. Given the context, it was quite challenging to involve the women themselves.

What happened in the past is that while we prioritise women-headed households since they are amongst the most vulnerable, they nominated a male member of the household to do the work for them. At the end of it though, the earned "wage" would go to the women. In those cases, the men, more often than not, get a portion of the pay. After all, it is them who do the work.

This time though, we started with engaging the women themselves. Consultations were conducted to help decide on the type of work that is not only suitable but acceptable to them.

I was more than excited to be facilitating the FGDs myself. I knew I would be learning a lot. There were some significant questions I've wanted to ask. I'm excited to learn about what the women thought of the entire experience. I wanted to find out how the engagement "impacted" their lives, if in fact it did.

I remember how I felt then, driving back to the office. I was of course grateful for the experience. I felt thankful to be in the position I am now. Everything was a blur after that. With so much deliverables competing with my time, the conversations I had with the women was soon forgotten. Until today.

I had to finish my report of the FGDs so I dug out my notes. I was intent about capturing significant quotes from the women and so I lost myself in my notes. Then I came to the question, "Is there anything you did not like about the intervention?" Most, if not all, of the women were saying there was nothing they did not like about it. Then one woman said, "You saved me." 

There it was on my notes. Staring at the sentence, I felt my world stop. My heart skipped a beat.

I've never had grand illusions about my job. I always felt grateful to be making a contribution in my own little way. At the same time I know how little it is, hardly making a dent where ensuring sustainable gains is concerned. But that statement brings home to me the fact that a little gesture makes a whole lot of difference in another person's life. And it's such a humbling thought. 

IQ Chronicles: Staying

Today's Gem:  Sitting there listening to the head of the Water Authority share with us how he lost his father, a just and principled man, during the country's darkest years.  He related how the entire family had to leave in the stealth of the night, leaving their home and most of their valuables to escape the same fate happening to them.  They went to the nearby town where they own lands as well and where they have relatives only to be turned away.  He ended his story by turning to one of our guests and saying, "Pardon me for saying this but if any of you Europeans would get to experience even 1/5th of what we've went through as a nation, I don't think you would ever survive."  It was a humbling thought and I felt grateful to have met someone who also, in all, humility simply replied, "Of course.  And rightly so."

This country have gone through so much.  Even our own local colleagues tell us of their own experiences as children IDPs, moving from one place to the next.  They shared growing up being cursed and mocked for being Kurdish.  They've lost fathers, uncles, who were brave enough to fight back.  Some of them have seen grandfathers being beaten simply because they have son/s who are members of the resistance group.

At one point in today's conversation, our visitor asked him, how despite everything that he'd been through he had chosen to stay.  The others have gone to other places, mostly to Europe, to carve out a new destiny for themselves.  What made him chose to stay and serve his country instead? His response, "I have my own life here.  It is difficult to just pack up, turn your back on everything and leave." He then added that what kind of life would he have had he left?

It was later relayed to me how everyone regard him as a kind person, treating everyone equally no matter what they are or what "tribe" they belong to.  It made me realize, goodness can never be faked.  One can only go on pretending for some time. After a while, one's true nature would always come out.  But yes, there is still so much goodness in this world despite the atrocities that is happening everywhere. They are like this little light in a sea of darkness, constant and unwavering, sending out the message of hope.  Oh and yes, of course, of love...

Christmas Gift

Today I wore Tatay's Christmas gift. I thought it significant to blog about it because of the story behind it.

Come Christmas time, Tatay presented me with a card with an apology note in it saying it's all he got me for now. It was littered with I love you's and that would have been enough. Instead, I pouted and acted hurt. I told him, he knew weeks in advance I was coming home for Christmas. I pointed out we've been apart for months he could have made the effort.

In truth I was really hurt by it. The card was much appreciated of course. I love it so much. Only, I felt underappreciated. Of course I wasn't looking for a very expensive gift. I never care much for it. I was actually looking more for the indication that he had put much thought into it, given our situation lately, being apart and all.

They just the thing. He thought I was expecting for something really expensive. So before I knew it, he went out of the house, drove downtown to go to the mall to pick me up a gift. And it was this pair of jeans, a 100++-dollar pair of jeans.

Imagine my dismay. I'm never one for buying really expensive clothes and shoes. Sure I splurge a bit on sports shoes but that is totally necessary. But your usual getup for casual wear, I'd be more than happy putting on a 300-peso jeans. Something expensive would have me think about how wasteful it is and how I could have just saved the money for a plane ticket to somewhere.

But there it was, a nicely wrapped MANGO jeans, the price equivalent of which is even more that Forest's monthly school fee :p but yeah, sure appreciate much the gesture. But yes, Tatay, I would never put much value on the price tag. I'd be more than happy receiving a pair of winter gloves coz it would tell me you put much thought into what I would be needing back here.

Thank you just the same, Tatay.  It's much appreciated. I love you.

Wherever

Today is special.  I went to hear Mass for the first time here in Kurdistan.  For the longest time I've been wanting to but never really managed to.  Foremost, Sundays are workdays here.  Then there were security guidelines not to go to places of worship as they could be targets.  Also, I hesitate attending one in Aramaic since I would not be able to understand it at all.  

Then today happened.  It was a result of a series of events -- meeting Filipinos at Qatar airport who are also on their way to Erbil.  Being informed about the church here and the schedule of the Mass.  I had to be in Kalar for two weeks.  And then I'm here.

It was something, singing the "Our Father" for the first time in these soils.  It felt surreal.  Praying after receiving the communion I got overwhelmed.  Truly, He finds me wherever I may go.  God's faithfulness is indeed steadfast, it never wavers unlike that of human's.  

The homily said something like real love and service is not really felt when given just through skype or viber or is not tantamount to just sending material things.  I felt that God is telling me something.  I know I would still be indecisive until the day when I finally have to make a decision.  Yet, I take comfort at the thought that I know God will show me the answers and will guide me accordingly.

Thank you, God.  Your love for me overwhelms me.  

Finding Answers

"Time is slipping away.  

And as the chaos fades into something more like fullness, I am seeing how damned sacred it all is.

To watch someone come into the world, to know them before you even know their name.  
To attend to their cries, their hunger, their fear.  
To feed them.  
To bathe and change them, to witness them in all their vulnerability, all their naked humanity.  
To accept them as you've probably never accepted anyone before.
To watch your own brain rewire, connecting you to a chain of parents throughout time,
turning you both stronger and more vulnerable at the same time...

Parenting is to know all the previous versions of someone, 
to hold them inside your mind as they grow,as they unfold.
It's slowly learning to let go on the outside as their lives begin to take shape, separate from your own, 
while on the inside, in your strong, tender parent-heart, you never let go at all."

- Lynn Shattuck, Elephant Journal (http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/01/this-is-parenting/)

As a remote-parent for the most part than not, that bit about time fading so fast as the children transforms from being a baby into little persons, got to me.  

I was just reading awhile back a blog entry I had when Rod was just three years old and how amazed I was at how articulate he was becoming and yet maintaining that sweet little voice of his. I was remembering in my mind Rod's face, little hands and little feet and the kind of assured confidence he had when he speaks whatever was on his mind. Yes, even at three years old. It was a delight seeing him unfold.  

I went to the field for the first time this year. Coming back to the office I was thinking how enriching it was to hear about the women's stories and how we are making a difference, somewhat. I thought that was the highlight of my day.

It wasn't. It was Rod, standing up suddenly to re-position the laptop we have at home. He arranged it so it was directly facing the foot of the bed. My perplexity soon got answered as I saw him gather his pillow and blanket, put it near the foot of the bed and settled down to sleep. I saw him peer at me, checking if I was still looking as I promised and then settled down to sleep.  

It was Forest, making the request in her cute, sleepy voice, "Tingnan mo kami habang natutulog, Nay ha?" (Watch over us while we sleep, Nanay, okay?) 

It was knowing that while it is difficult, we're all one in making it work -- defying the distance and coming up with creative ways to stay connected. i sat there, knowing in all certainty that at this stage in my life, I am a mother first and foremost.  

I am and will always be grateful for my job and the opportunity to pursue my passion, to carve a space for myself and my own becoming. I am grateful that in the process, it is also affording me the opportunity to save up for my children's future. And yet, At the same time, I knew that for that, I am also foregoing being part of my children's "today." I know that in the process, I am not able to witness much of their own unfolding. And I am awake enough to know even when Rod was just in my womb that, that is the most important part of my becoming a mother.  For the past few weeks, I've been pulled from these two opposite directions. I've been grappling with the indecision of whether I hold on for a few months or just throw caution to the wind and just be where I want to be.  

I remember being grateful for this morning's experience. I remember looking out at the field as we're driving towards the office and thinking, I am learning and growing so much as a person in the past months that I have been here. At the same time, I am afforded with the opportunity to somehow make a difference and to contribute in my own little way. I remember thinking, I could probably give it a few more months. It would mean, a few more months of not worrying so much that bills are paid and that we're able to set a side a few more for the children's college fund. And yet, the thought that I'm missing so much of my children's growing up is tearing me up to pieces... 

Deep down I know what I needed to do. Yet the human in me is wallowing in the uncertainty and fear. At the same time, I am giddy at the thought of how amazing the universe is at throwing in my path answers to my questions. It's exhilarating, finding myself in the middle of having different alternatives (in the form of readings, encounters, stories) being laid down on my path for me to reflect upon and affirm what my heart already knows. Here's praying for those moments of fear and uncertainty to just fade away and to simply remain basking in the joy that being certain of the truth brings.

Few More Weeks

A week ago today, I fidget as I waited the person behind the counter get on with my check in and hand me my boarding pass.  I've already web checked-in the day before so I did not think it would take as long as it did.  He was really taking his own sweet time with it so I asked him nicely if it's done yet since my children are still waiting for me outside.  I was fighting the tears the whole time.  The day has finally come.  Days before, Forest would ask me out of nowhere, "Kelan ka na alis, Nay? Pag bukas, sa sunod na bukas?"  (When are you leaving, Nanay?  After tomorrow, the day after that?)  I knew they were counting the days as I was and making the most of what was left.

I smiled when I finally got my boarding pass and then hurried back outside.  When I got in the car, I just found myself bawling over.  The kids were at the cafe, waiting for me to join them for lunch.  I was thinking of how Rod looked at me with sad eyes when I told him I better drop my web-checked baggage so I could buy more time with them.  He then said, "But do come back."  I assured him that it would probably just take me 20 minutes and there would be plenty of time left.

I love my job.  There is nothing else I would rather be doing. That it takes me away so much from my kids is the only misgiving I have about it.  If I could have them both in one place, that would be ideal.

I composed myself and hurried back at the cafe where the kids were.  They have already eaten and was just waiting for me.  I could not swallow anything.  I did not have the appetite but I ate what I could.  We had some pictures taken and then I had to attend to some of Forest's needs.  By the time we went back to the car to get my hand-carried luggage, Rod was already crying.  He was hugging me tight and was loudly sobbing.  What would a mother do in such an instance?  I cried along with him and hugged him back as tight as I could.  Forest came over and gave me a hug as well.  She was crying but not as emotionally as Rod did.  I think Forest is getting used to my being away most of the time.  She was a mere 2 weeks old when I started taking on consultancy jobs again.  I had to.  The bills that we've incurred following the emergency delivery and her hospitalisation since birth I was already taking on consultancy jobs when she was just 2 weeks old and even whisked her away with me travelling all the way to Luzon and Visayas (planes and ferries) when she was barely two months old for an evaluation engagement.  And I had to leave her often after that.

But these few months had been the longest yet.  Three months, four months... I know I am lucky and is certainly grateful for it to be just apart with the kids for that long.  Most OFWs had to count years before they see their children again.  Yet, a separation is still a separation no matter how short or long it is.  It cuts to the heart especially in our case where we put much premium on "togetherness" and "connection."

We're a touch-y, together-y sort of family.  We just love spending time together no matter if we're doing the most mundane stuff or something more exciting.  It wasn't so much the what we're doing that mattered.  It was always that we're together.

I remember on my last night home Rod had to beg about us all watching a movie together. I have not packed yet and there were other things I wanted to see to and so I said they can go ahead and watch the movie after I've left.  But then Rod said it wouldn't matter by then since I would not be watching it with them...  

I sit here, alone and shivering in my cold, little room feeling totally homesick and wishing I'm snuggling next to my children... Few more weeks... God help me.

Happy New Year! Happy 2016!

Here's sending out good cheers, well wishes, love and light and nothing but optimism as we usher in the new year. It's been an exhausting year and I had to face my most trying uphill yet. However, all the blessings, wonderful opportunities and surprises combined more than made up for it. Happy to again be placed in the position to contribute, give what I can and to have the strength to constantly come from the position of love, no matter the circumstances. Thank you, God!

Driving Home

As we drove home after he picked me up from attending former colleagues' party, Tatay turned to me and said, "This is what I missed the most, driving home with you." I did not tell him that every time I go out to field and had to sit in the front seat, I would often remember those many drives we shared.

You and I are on this journey together. Though it may take us apart at times, we are never really that far apart from each other, Tatay.

I Know

I was just about to fall asleep when Tatay rang me up in Skype. What followed was a good conversation like we used to have before. We've always enjoyed talking to each other. I would remember the time when he would be coming in from a trip and he would endlessly talk about the experience or something funny that took place.

We haven't had that for a while. Given the distance, the calls and conversations had mostly been about the kids, whether my statutory obligations have been taken cared of and in order. Yup, the usual domestic stuff. It's either those things or being extremely jealous over nothing. So yeah, it's definitely been a while.

Last night, we talked about a lot of things but what stuck me the most was that exchange we had about my going home and settling there for a while for the children's sake.  We were going through alternatives.  I said I could stay home and be with the kids for a significant time before considering any new engagements.  I told him he and I could tend his store and save on the overhead.  If he needed to go somewhere then I had to be there on my own and vice-versa.  Then he said, I could probably find work quickly and it could be something unrelated to what I'm currently doing.  And I started saying how "not any job" could cut it for me since making a contribution is very important for me. But he sheepishly smiled and said, "Lagi. (I know.)" even before I finished what I intended to say.

It was a one word retort but it spoke so much volume.  That, "I know" does not just pertain to his knowing what I was gonna say but that he knows me and the things I value.  To me that was very touching and reassuring.  There's nothing more "feel-goody" than knowing that your significant other gets you. How sad would that be if someone you love do not know the core of your being or who you are entirely? 

So, thank you Tatay for that "knowing."  It made me feel valued for who I really am.  It reassures me of the kind of partnership that we keep as well.  It would not have been a real relationship if it lacked that  kind of certainty.  I love you.

Remote Mothering (Being There and Defying the Distance)

I can't help but cry a little as I watch Rod's sleepy face through Skype.  I was able to talk to him early morning (foregoing sleep) for the traditional waking up and blowing of the cake.  But he was sleepy even then and had to rush for school so we did not have  a proper conversation.

Then in the middle of a meeting, Tatay sent me photos through viber, signaling that the family is celebrating.  I was dying to talk to them then but the discussion was critical :( By the time I was able to get through, Rod was no longer answering properly, probably getting ready to sleep already.  After a while, Tatay called through Skype and my heart sank noting the "dark" background.  It meant the lights in the bedroom are off.  The kids are asleep.

Good thing they were just about to fall asleep.  Forest was wide awake and was even chatty, saying repeatedly, "Sleepy ang birthday boy, Nanay!" :) She was so cute.

Rod was already dozing off when Tatay brought the camera to his face :P  I engaged him in a conversation and that is when I cried.  I asked him about his birthday and how his day was.  When I asked him if there was a cake, Forest quipped, "Pizza!"  (Rod wanted it so).  When I asked what the flavor was, Rod replied it was pepperoni and I was like, "It's meat!" Rod's retort was really funny -- "It was the only thing that was buy-one-take-one." Hahaha! Stringy Tatay huh?

The best thing about today though was that Rod woke up when I asked him if we could pray together for his birthday.  We prayed for the usual, that he grow up to be really kind-hearted and be able to make a contribution in his own, little way.  We pray that he be guided towards the direction of his dreams and that they all come true.  We prayed that he be gifted with mentors and quality friendships.  I'm lucky enough in that aspect and I'm wishing the same thing for the children.  I can see that Rod appreciated the whole thing and I draw comfort in that.

All in all, Rod's birthday is simple.  There was no big party.  But I certainly went overboard this year, sharing old blogs as the day neared.  The funny thing was that Tatay had to point out to me that he and Rod actually find it tiring to read through all of my musings. So the "sentimental" in me had to step aside to choose blogs that are short and with photos.  Better that than having them going through the motion of conversation in a forced manner.  It was supposed to be a joyful sharing, not a burden.  I know in time, Rod would be able to appreciate the long letters and entries next time...

So yeah, the lengths that I have to go through just to defy the fact that we are apart.  I know there is nothing I can do about the physical distance but I've tried in the past -- and there is always a way -- to move mountains just to make the children feel that I am still "there."  "Being there" is something I would always work hard at establishing.  I know full well that nothing could compensate for the physical presence, to be able to give an actual hug, a kiss... But given the situation, there is nothing I can do about that but I could definitely find creative ways to demonstrate that yes, Nanay is still there for them, in more ways than one.  That, and to be able to show them clearly just how much I love them and how much they mean to me.  But yeah, soon for the real, warm hugs... I love you so much, Rod.

T stands for Tatay Teammate

I watched amused as Tatay read the letter I had written for Rod when I was pregnant with him. I knew it was long and I was pretty sure Tatay would not have the patience to see it through till the end.

True enough, after a mouthful of somewhat difficult English words, Tatay's brow came together and then he said, "Ayaw taasa kaayo, Nay! (Don't make it too long, Nanay!) I almost laughed out loud. Instead, I retorted in an affirming tone, " Yeah, I know. But that's how that is since it was heartfelt." I did agree about looking for a shorter post and made a mental note.

But yeah, I appreciate the fact that Tatay is again one with me on this. On our second day, he was even the one urging me to share the day's installment so that he and Rod can read it when they arrive at home later that day.

Thank you, Tatay for recognizing the importance of this little project.  It comforts me no end knowing that you also value nurturing our relationship with the children. Know that you made me truly happy. Salamat.