The Beginning of an End

I was sitting down working at an immediate task but at the same time, thinking also of the things I need to be wrapping up, work-wise, before I leave.  I was suddenly brought back to the time when the family was still deciding on my coming here.

That was  two years ago.  How time flies.  I remember how Rod was giving me a hard time.  He said he does not want to see me go.  He was pretty stubborn about it too, not wanting to talk to me.  But Tatay, when I least expected it, stepped in to say, "But Nanay had to do this for herself, Rod.  She had to find out for herself if she can do it.  We cannot take that away from her.  Then after that she will be home."  Or words to that effect and of course in Tagalog-Bisaya.

And indeed, I've "found out" so much in the past two years.  I've learned that:

- I can do it
- There is always something one can contribute
- I am much, much stronger than I thought
- Indeed it is very difficult to be away from the family, the children most of all
- Love for one's country, one's causes can also extend to places where you find yourself in
- Love comes in various form and levels
- I've reaffirmed that I love passionately and give more of me in whatever "role" and "responsibility" I find myself in
- I am human. I get lonely, gets depressed, can be very petty, and gets tired
- I do rise again... work again... give more of me again despite having bouts of exhaustion
- Love conquers distance.  You always find a way.
- I am loyal, know my limits well and operate within them
- My circle of closest friends can still expand and can be composed of people I've just met, share no history with but have instant connection and shared values (I so love my Kurdish "family")
- My God finds me whereever I may be and continue to bless me immensely
- I am indeed blessed, so much blessed in so many aspects of my life

I've learned so much in the past two years that I've been here.  Now that I'm taking steps of wrapping things up, I get melancholic.

I am finally leaving.  I'm counting the weeks.  Who knew that what was initially planned to be just a three-month "see-for-myself-get-right-back-home" could expand into two years?  I remember telling myself, "Okay, I'll give myself a full four season cycle." But since then, I've spent two of each -- summer, autumn, winter and spring.  I'd be leaving, inshallah, on my third summer  here.  And summer is phenomenal in Iraq hehehe

I remember taking my two-month break last year and came back during summer.  The heat immediately engulfed me as soon as I stepped out of the plane.  Then on my second day, we hit 50 degrees.

Oh! but the warmth I felt here from colleagues and friends. I've been embraced like family and taken into their homes without hesitation.  For which I am truly grateful.  I've suffered indigestion twice after such visits, having eaten so much food! :)  I'll miss all of these for sure.You  don't know just how you've all settled into this tiny chamber in the corner of my heart.

I'd miss Kurdistan's mountains and its landscape's ever changing hue -- white, green, a distinct shade of yellow, brown... and spring's splashes of color here and there... These never fail to enthrall me during my 5 to 6 travel to and from Erbil-Kalar.

But for now, I still have enough time. I've been everywhere but I've been here the longest, away from home.  So, I'm making the most of my remaining weeks.  I'm gonna be working like crazy (that would not change) to properly wrap things up.  But, I would also be hoarding a lot of these memories while I still can...

One True Source

So I had to take this Tetanus Toxoid shot since I stepped on a nasty nail yesterday.  I went to our accredited hospital.  The funny thing is that it turned out that there is an existing law over here that such shots can only be administered by the public hospitals and not by private ones.  I had then to go to this public hospital.  The good thing was that a nurse from the private hospital accompanied us and it helped in facilitating everything.

I had to wait for a while since they have to check for allergic reaction.  So I sat there in a corner of the emergency room.  Across me, but a little farther away, is a little boy being given blood transfusion, crying his heart out.  I watch while the Mom tries to give him comfort by saying soothing things and rubbing his other hand where no tubes are attached.  I wondered what was wrong with him and why the need for blood.

There was another child who does not appear as badly hurt but is clinging on to his Mom quite tightly.  I've seen a case of a broken nose and what not's.  It was depressing and I felt my energy dropped all the more.

As I tried to get myself settled, and make good use of my time there, I tried to raise my energy, wanting to give an outpouring of support.  I was tired and ailing but I tried what I can.  Just as I was to finish, I turned and saw that another woman was also bowing behind the curtains beside me, saying her evening prayers.

I sat there and noted how awhile back I tried to ascertain how I should pray given the context where I am. Even in my silent, secret praying, I was trying to be sensitive.  And then I simply acknowledged that we really have just One True Source, we just call that Supreme Entity in different names.

Here's sending out a prayer to all who were in that hospital -- both ailing and their families alike.  It also is never easy for family to see their loved ones suffer.  It's especially hard for parents of small children.

I am running on empty as of the moment.  So raw with exhaustion both physically and emotionally.  Here's praying for my "replenishment." So help me, Baba.

Of Rivers and Rain (Heshta Xoshm Aweit)

For months
Fooled myself into thinking,
I've forgotten everything
I'm finally okay

I almost believed it
Thought, "there that was easy."
Just spend less time, ignore.
Everything will go away

Then out of the blue,
There you were
Proposing things
I've longed to share with you

Quiet moments
Togetherness
Revolving around
Music and words.

The flood gates opened
I have not forgotten
Everything was just dormant
Listing away, waiting

Much like a river
That dries up in the summer
But flows again when the rain comes
You were that rain.

Heshta Xusheim Aweit.

Letter to Forest on her Moving Up Ceremony

Six years ago. Two days from now, we'd be marking another milestone - "bridging over." In 2 months, you'd be a full-fledge 7 year old, on the verge of your next phase of growth.

I have little regrets, my Little One. I've always believed in counting my blessings instead. But with you, ah... Nanay missed a lot. I've been away a lot. We've been very creative, bridging that distance and yet I feel the loss each time.

I'm sorry if Nanay had not been there to hold your hand for the most part. I have not for a single day, however, "unheld" you from my heart.  I'm sorry to have missed a lot. Nanay promises to be there more often for the second phase, holding your hand for most of the days.

You are my life. I see so much of me in you and yet you are uniquely, delightfully, your own person. I see that everyday now -- your wit, quick mind, happy, innocent countenance. It was my loss to have missed the first part of your unfolding.  But, I also know who you are and who I am now are bourne out of the set of circumstances defining our recent past. So there is also gratitude in that.

I could only look forward to our soon to be recent present and future. It's the promise if that, where I draw my strength from. Here's shouting to the universe my love for you, Forest and how proud I am of you. I love you, hurot.

Women Power

So I sat in this taxi, in the middle of Ethiopian traffic. I'm listening to this deejay from the radio talking about Pakistan"s pink taxi hitting the road tomorrow. They would be driven by women. They're intended to be an all-women taxi for women. This, to counter sexual harassment incidents.

To me that was significant because I just came from the Ethiopian National Museum to see Lucy.

Now, of all the "artifacts" that would have to tell a story about the "transition" of man from a tree-climbing, stooping primate into that of the upright, walking Homo sapiens, it had to be a woman. But of course! :)

It was an interesting visit at the museum, made more so because of the guide there. I had always wondered what makes Lucy so special. And he was right there, facing us and asking the question loudly. He then said that because of all the artifacts ever found, hers simply has more "pieces." Pieces, that yielded more information, weaving a more intricate story. Right then and there I felt more affinity towards her. After all, I love to tell stories too.

Lucy was/is the in-between, the link that resolves the disconnect. And how powerful is that? That it had to be a woman evokes in me a lot of mixed emotions. Come to think of it, women, throughout history have consistently demonstrated that they play a very significant role. That they've yielded power, in the same way that men did. And yet, somewhere a long the way, women have been subjugated. Silenced. Made mute. 

Oh, I'm not about to strike a debate about feminism. Nor, do I wish to start a fight with the supposedly-enemy (men). I just find Lucy's story so mind boggling. I looked at her, bones and all, lying there, so quiet. And yet, every bit and pieces of her, every bone, and every cracks in them weave such a powerful story about the history of the modern human being.

As we walked through the other parts of the museum, our guide took us to this imposing photo of what is said to be a depiction of the modern man's great, great ancestor. He pointed and said, "Look, meet your grandfather. He is asking where you've been!" Then he added, "You had to get a visa to get here, right? But here's your ancestor. You are, in every aspect, Ethiopian." That made me smile.

Where have I been? I've been everywhere. Blessed enough to have had lots of opportunities to move around and in the process make a contribution in my own little way as well. I am the modern Lucy, brave enough to stand upright and inch my way bit by bit towards the fulfillment of my dreams. Thank you, God.

Usman

Meet Usman. Tonight's gift. We were eating at a street cafe, enjoying our shawarma when he came, lugging his heavy keyboard and sat in the table next to ours.

He played, "where do I begin to tell the story..." And it was indeed a night of stories.

His first story was how today,  he wore a woman's pair of shoes over his shoulders and played on the streets. He said it was in honor of the women for today's Intl Women's Day. Then he said, nowadays you can find Chekov's and Sarte's books being sold on the streets, very cheap. But shoes, they placed on fancy display cases and sold at such steep prices. It tells you that nowadays, cultivating the mind is not priced (or prioritized) very high.

He then proceeded to tell us about his daughter who came home one day and announced she had fallen greatly inlove. Now, in this context that's not something any daughter can say. She'd end up really hurt (or even worse) from doing so. He said, he stopped playing the piano, stood up and kissed her hand. Then he said, "Good for you!"

The next day, the man came asking for her hand in marriage saying he's ready to buy all the gold that he would require of him for her. He told him, "I don't need your gold for my daughter. What I want you to do is to buy her flowers everyday." Then he told us, to this day, he still brings her flowers... It was but an hour of conversation but eternities were exchanged. He said at one point, we all are but stories. Indeed... Indeed. What story are you leaving the world? #fellowtraveller #stories #travels #passingthrough #today'sgem #traveltreasures

Be

Today was a good day. There was a lot of learning for me, work-wise and even at a personal level.  I’m not gonna go into the boring details of talking about work.  Also, the urgency I’ve felt to pen these “aha-moments” down is something deeper than my realizations on how I can do my work better…

So I sat there listening, interacting and learning on a more cerebral level.  And then, out of the blue it hit me.  Maybe it had something to do with who the person is but looking at him, I thought about Rod.  I remember a particular incident wherein a classmate tagged him in an fb post and making a reference to his effeminate mannerisms.  I know it is childhood innocence at play but I remember being a bit upset about it. My motherly, protective instinct got amped really high. 

I think some part of me is remembering as well how children can be cruel too.  I’ve had my share of that while growing up.  And yes, of course that is all processed and forgiven.  I’ve come a long way but what I could remember from it, was that it was a pain I want to spare my children from. 

So back to that incident, I remember getting in touch with Tatay right away to check on Rod.  To ask him to ask Rod carefully whether he might be getting somewhat bullied in school but is just not telling us.  I remember getting in touch with Rod right away and asking the same thing.  Of course, I tried my best to handle it really well.  I know ensuring that your child continues to trust you on most things is very important and that very little could break that trust. 

Anyway, so all of these things were running in my head (at, probably, one hundred miles per minute as everything was very quick.  I guess being attuned to the universe, one gains the aptitude for thought processes running within close range of the speed of light wahehe!).   I was also brought back to the time when Tatay and I would have conversations on this and how relieved I was in knowing that like me, our children’s being who they are comes part and parcel of our love for them – unconditional and a given.  And not something that had to be a certain way before we can respond accordingly.  To me that’s a big thing, knowing Tatay loves our children and that he do not have this notion, picture in his head as to how they should be. 

I had an inkling of this when Rod totally shied away from soccer.  I thought Tatay had this dream of having his son follow on his footsteps and become another football “somebody” in his own little way. When it turned out Rod doesn’t want any of it, Tatay did nothing.  He was like, just shrugged it off and that was that.  I guess I was the one more wanting Rod to reconsider.    Me and that image in my head – the should’s and the-what-ought-to-be’s (rolling of the eyes here). 

So, that’s when it hit me.  As parents, we often have dreams for our children.  We work so hard – well, at least in our case – to make sure that we are able to afford them with as much opportunity as we can. And by dreams, we often have this notion that it comes in the form of achieving something – becoming a doctor, a lawyer, a businessman or finding themselves doing something that they love like being a visual artist, a musician, a writer or what have-you’s.  But do we ever for one minute just consider, letting them be, letting them unfold to whoever they want to be. 

Oh this is something we think about and very seriously consider.  But even so, I have to admit that it is something that I am not truly conscious about.  I remember writing about in my letter to Rod when I was still pregnant with him about how I am holding my breath in anticipation to being a witness to his own becoming… I still do, but often being in the world, we lose our way and become trapped in all these societal, popular notion of what “success” looks like and wanting that for our children.  But now, sitting here, thinking about this more fully, “success” should be equated with our children, growing up to be persons expressing their truth (whatever that is) freely, joyfully and without fear.  I don’t even want to talk about “potential” because that gets easily tainted with all those “societal notions.” 

But yeah, how often do we allow ourselves to think and define this so-called success as them, simply becoming their authentic self? To be, become, unfold into the persons they are meant to be?  Like freely choosing, defining for themselves what their sexual orientation would be, food preferences, the things that they value and hold dear, and the causes they would want to believe in and fight for?  To be able to express themselves, their truth in ways they would want to?

And how as parents do we ever "prepare" for that? Right now, the answer that readily comes to mind is really to love... To make them grow up secure in the knowledge that as they define themselves, we are here -- to hold their hand, love without judgment and ever ready to have their back no matter what. That no matter if they would be judged, criticized by others for the choices that they make, they can count on us to be there, ready to listen and have faith in them. That though as parents (as distinct individuals ourselves) we may not often understand what they may choose for themselves, we know that these sprung forth from within them, dictated by their own truth and something we ought to respect as well.  That and maybe also always working hard at being more conscious of our parenting… of being our own authentic self as well… Because, children also learn by watching us.  We are, after all, their “first line” where “education” is concerned.  We are the most closest to them and the one they identify with the most… Whew! Such a tall order.  Abba God, help me.

In Time

Dreaming of strings

Strums, strums
Fingers on air
Palm slaps on thighs
Music in my head
And in my heart

Clearing my head
Of work thoughts
Numbers phasing
Technical
Factual words
Of world gone crazy

Traveling inwards
Remembering
Soulful intentions
Drama
Life as a stage
Golden through Iron Age

All will be well,
In time
Om Shanti.

Never Enough

T'is never enough, it seems,

Some exchanges, a few words

A glance, 

A smile.

Moments gone too soon

Inadvertently left wanting

Needing more

Time to be together

Thankful
For green tea
Back and forth at the door
Chased through the gate

Completed my day. 

Recharging Batteries

I was feeling low, having those thoughts when Tatay came on Skype to ask me why I'm not sleeping yet.  I told him what my thoughts are and he immediately called me.  Over chat he had already told me that these things are beyond my control and even made reference to the universe.

Seeing me crying, he urged me to just come home saying I'm stressed in more ways than one being where I am. He then tried to soothe me with small words of comfort, urging me to go to take my much needed sleep.  And I feel grateful.  Tatay knows me well.  He knows me well enough to not dismiss all that I'm feeling as drama... Or even just to wonder why I should feel that way.  And there's affirmation in that, in being understood, on knowing where I'm coming from.

I remember having this conversation with Jenny before, as to how I don't really need a partner who would give me the sun and the moon... someone who would be able to provide me with all the material comfort I need. These things are not that important to me because I know I am more than capable of providing myself those things.  And besides, my needs and wants are simple. I remember telling her, I need someone who would be there for me.  Someone who would hold my hand and listen to me.  I remember saying something like, "someone I can curl up next to, to give me the much-needed hugs, replenishing all the energy that I have lost from pursuing my many causes... I need someone who can 'recharge' me.  So I can go up and leave again and fight my battles anew."

In more ways than one, that's what Tatay is to me.  Though he can also be my source of stress (indeed!), I do know that he is my quiet anchor, next to God and family.  Simply, by "getting" me, "knowing" me in ways that no one would.  I love you, Tay.  Thanks  for being that steady (sometimes erratic pag saputon), source of affirmation.

On the Edges of Infinity

When I think of tenderness,

I think of you

I doubt not the love that you feel for me

Even if when I thought about pain,

It’s you who comes to mind as well.

When I thought about connection,

I think about what we have

That instant undeniable recognition

Intensity from day one,

Got nurtured in time.

I met you when I was doing something I love

Surrounded by everything that helps complete me

We were in the midst of the woods

Stood in awe of a great waterfall

Running through trails

From then on

We found ourselves constantly

In nature’s midst

Often  on top of a mountain

Amidst raging surf, braving the sea

You were my adventure buddy

Still is

Always will be

So many places to see

And explore still

With you

I feared nothing

Despite my physical fragility

You and my strong resolve

Compensate for what I lack

So while I maybe away

Often alone

Sometimes in need of affirmation

I think of you and what we have

It’s enough to get me through the day

You brought me laughter

Even the greatest pain

I am well awake though to know

That we’ve decided on this

On the edges of infinity

To help each other along

Confront our lack

Come full circle…

I love you, B.

On The Right Track

For the past two days now, Tatay has been sending sweet nothings thru SMS.  It's a far cry from the usual jealous outbursts of the past few months.  And those were really trying months for me.  It was difficult juggling work and at the same time, on the side I have to tend with a "wrathful" hubby breathing down my neck and being emotionally challenging.  But yeah these two days had been bliss.

Yesterday, he started by asking me how I was and then proceeded to tell me how his day was. He was supervising some work on a project he was sub-contracted for.  He was actually just beating up his chest, playing proud and all and wanting praise from me.  It was adorable and quite like the Bee I fell in love with 14 years ago.  Of course I told him how proud I was of him and how happy I was to see him so happy.

We talked about a lot of things just like the old times.  He asked me if we could sponsor some school supplies for a community in Sarangani.  I told him to involve the children.  He said they could not go to the actual distribution as it is quite far and he had another outdoor activity to attend to.  We settled with having the children buy the school supplies.  That way, they would also be aware that the family does such things.  And while we were having this conversation, I felt grateful once again that for all our differences, we have shared vision where rearing up the children this way is concerned.  It is very important to me that the children would grow up always coming from the perspective of love and always looking for ways of being able to contribute.  And I am happy that Tatay share that as well.

Yesterday, he ended our conversation (littered with iloveyou's) by thanking me for everything I've done for him and the family. I reminded him I would not be able to do everything without him and Mama's support.  I thanked him as well.

The past two years had been the most challenging for us. I've gone through hell.  There were times I've been very ready to just give up and walk away.  But always, I know deep down the commitment is real and that the love is genuine.  I may have questioned that at certain points in the past two years given what happened but I do know this one's for real.  I must admit that fear of trusting and being hurt all over again is something I still feel.  But I do know deep down, we're both in here for the long haul.  One do not just walk away from a sacred contract.  When there's a breach, you don't just burn the contract and walk away.  You give it another try and hope against hope that you've made the right decision to trust again...

Ring and Bracelets

Ring dropped
Picked up
Tried
Too small for yours
Too big for mine

Much like
What we have now
Shared affection
Yet circumstance
Don't make way for rings

Let's settle
For bracelets then
Silvery ones
Embraces
But never shackles...

Just That

I desire not to posses
Nor to label
Anything
That might be there
Or might not be

I just want to live
The moment
Acknowledge
What the heart whispers
Not what the intellect interjects

I dream not of forever
Or what could be
That's far too beyond
What is now
And might not come

I have no want
Of promises
Or grand gestures
Nor to agitate
Over what tomorrow brings

I just want
What's now
Seize the moment
Love when I could
While I still could

Nothing much
But shared
Conversation
Laughter
A touch or two...

Today

Popped
Conversations
Taking photos of
Sunsets
Full moon
Bag gesture
Seated
Snip of a moment
Today

Chains

In the veil of the dark,
Chains raised
Bowed head
Passing through

Casual gesture
Nothing extraordinary
But it was a moment
In time with you

So treasured
It is
Kept in that corner
That contains memories of you...

Restless

Restlessness pays again a visit,

Afflicting my veins,

Wishing to be somewhere else,

Curled up with a book,

Music surrounding me.

I long to be by your side,

Listening to the same songs,

Hands inter-twined,

Heads huddled together,

Soul to soul communion.

Dreaming of gazing into your eyes,

Thoughtful and beautiful,

I want to sing songs with you,

To discuss the meaning,

Unspoken behind the words.

So many things unsaid,

Assumed,

Misunderstood,

As we deal with this distance,

Separating us.

So let’s cross this chasm,

Make things happen,

Say things anyway,

For love never knows,

Distance or bounds.

Mahal Kita.

Xushm Aweit.

Till Sunrise

A full day,
Cerebral tasks.
Hurried,
But never-ending.
Done with one,
Two more to go.

Time-consuming,
Details galore.
Moments tick by,
Caused inconvenience.
Guilt-ridden,
Eased by reassurance.

Impatience,
None.
Stalled time,
Yes.
But till sunrise,
I'll wait.

Virtual Party Unplanned

Planned "meeting" taking place,
It's your special day today.
Defying distance,
Te quiero's sent across the miles.

Unplanned virtual rendezvous,
Exchange of mirth.
Engulfed in camaraderie,
Teasing banter ensued

Planned exchange of stories,
Looking forward to the day.
Grateful for kindred spirits,
Binded by common love for offsprings.

Thank you God for unplanned, special moments that made Tatay's 36th truly happy-filled. Grateful.

Nothing but a Moment

A quick hello,
Passing by.
Turned down invitation,
Shoulders shrugged.
A change of mind,
Momentary discourse.

Fooling oneself,
Nothing extraordinary.
Un-comfortable silence,
Small talk attempts.
Slight touch of hands,
Illusion crumbles.

Nonchalant stance,
Nothing amiss.
Stifling a grin,
Had to turn away.
As eyes can't hide mirth,
When heart overflows...