Michaelmas Residue Musings

My take-away from the Michaelmas sharing with co-parents/nurturers last week which I found truly helpful with some of the situations that unfolded for me this week: "reserve judgment on the self, on others, of any situation that you might find yourself in because it only makes everything heavier and can be a source of stress. It's when we started putting in judgment that everything becomes more difficult than it really is." Or words to that effect.

It was shared by one of the grandparents. It was pointed out that there would always be that tension between light and dark. That is the reality that we need to acknowledge and accept. And so we take it as it comes and try our best to rise above the situation and make the most out of it. We try our best to ensure that it's the light within (and without) that wins over.

I was judged this week and I found myself forming my own judgment as well until I became fully conscious of it. So I took it all back. I reserved my own judgment although I had been stung already. And boy did it sting. My ego got bruised :) Good thing I remembered I am more than my ego. I'm so much more than my id :) #thinkingoutloud #musings #takingabreakfromtechnicalwriting #togetridofanaggingthought #clearingonesthoughts #heartwork #tomakeheadworkpossible

#michaelmassresidue :)

Love and light!

Parenting A Soon to be Teen Son

Last year. This year though, I have to deal with an "on-the-verge-of-teenhood," "somewhat-full-of-angst, "almost-12" boy. So there's more conflict, wrestle for control than peace and quiet.

I'm swept by the turbulence if it all, trying to find my center more often than not. I'm realizing this sway of swirling emotions must be a reflection of  what's going on in the head of my not-so-little boy at this stage he is in now.

I'm just grateful that after our shouting match (oh yes we do. Sigh), he shows every indication of understanding the points I've raised and obeys. It takes 10 minutes of quarreling why he had to study first before wifi-ing and why he had to wash the dishes too before he does the tasks anyway and so well afterwards.

Grateful as well that after all the drama, we would continue to talk and connect like before. Conscious parenting, or at least, the ever attempt at it, sure is helping though. I'm ill at ease with being not calm and at peace but I'm also acknowledging that this is all part of the process. The rythm sure is making my head spin. But we're making progress day by day #motheringateengeson #thispartofthejourneynow #uneasybutstillatpeace

So Here We are Now

So I think, last night we finally found our equilibrium hehehe Kuya Rod and I end up sleeping late talking about books, etc. like before. We started with K. Hosseini's "And the Mountains Echoed" and it's mini-story at the beginning. When I told him it made me cry, he said he only found it sad and snorted when he said it did not make him cry.

He then asked me about all the other books I read and I told him there's far too many to remember every single one of them. Then I recounted being pregnant with him and reading Dumbledor die and crying the whole night after (hormones talking). That's when he doubled-down laughing and said it made him laugh instead. I was shocked! Such an unfeeling human I am raising! (exaggeration here).

I think we're in that phase now where he's saying things to shock me and to gauge my reaction, testing the waters. That and trying to appear less emotional over something. Either that or it is already testosterone coming into play. Sans a mother for two years, he's lost touch of being atuned to his feelings (Again an exagge. Of course, it is never about me. It is his own journey)

My son is indeed well on his way to being a teen. We'll be marking another milestone soon like we did when he turned 7. I'm just grateful to be a part of it again. £raisingason £conurturingateenageson £motherhood £beinghome £beingthere £bliss

Happiest birthday, Tatay

So the kids called me up so we could wake Tatay up for his birthday today. We found him sprawled up in bed. Beside him are some of his stocks that he's preparing for this weekend's activity.

But he did blow his candles and accepted and returned the children's kisses.

We love you, Tatay. Every year my wish and prayer is that you would finally be able to define your dreams. These days, you seem to be well on your way to pursuing them. And as always, here's re-affirming my commitment that I would always be here for you.

I'll be here to hold your hand and walk beside you as you pursue your dreams. I could be behind your back to push and prod you along; In front, to pull, guide and hopefully to inspire as well.

I am and always will be your greatest fan, coach, lover and partner. It took me awhile to realise it but yes, now I am committing myself to trying my very best to love you as your authentic self and not some idealised vision of what a husband, partner or father should be.

It is my wish that you would always feel free to express your truest, most loving self; know that I got your back; and that I would be here to help you along as you journey towards your own becoming. It's still a bit of a struggle, making sure that you only come from the position of love. But I am here so we could help each other do just that.

Freedom. Authenticity. Truth. Love.

I love you, hurot2x, Tatay!

It is Done

When I picked up the guitar this morning, I intended to play a love song.  I did not expect to find again the very "Source" of love.  Or was it He who found me? I stumbled upon a worship song online and soon enough I found myself flipping through chords of old favorites and new worship songs.  And the rest just overflowed.

When I came across the lyrics, "It is done..." everything just collapsed -- the wall I did not know I was putting up around me; the rein I've  been keeping on my feelings... and then the longing just came flooding in.  

Three words.  Indeed there is power in three and to me what these three words represents encompass all the "I love you's" in the world.  It speaks of the ultimate love, the ultimate sacrifice made to proclaim the truth and show the way.  When Jesus breathe his last and said those words, "It is done," He did more than tell the Father He has fulfilled the Father's will.  It speaks of so much more. It speaks of an inner triumph, an acknowledgment of a personal quest finally achieved.  And indeed, with those words he tore the veil of darkness, of ignorance and showed the way.

He showed that this is how He loved us, with open arms, embracing the pain and the sacrifice that go with it.  He showed that the body and our life here on earth is temporal and thus we shouldn't be too caught up with what everything that glitters and everything else of this world that we think we can't live without.  I can go on and on as to what the cross meant but I know that doing so would only rub it off it's meaning.  What words can fully capture everything that the cross represents? Well, for every Christian like me? 

I felt my heart softening, being raw once again.  I was not aware I had made it hard, somewhere along the way.  Up until I felt once again it's rawness.  I know what this meant.  It could mean pain.  But does it really?  I'm thinking now, love really becomes 'painful' only when one expects something in return.  But when love is truly given?  Shouldn't there be nothing but joy? That feeling of fulfilness after having manifested what our being is truly about, isn't it?

I have no desire to become a saint or to be put to so much test so I can just manifest God's love for me and my love for Him.  I have no such grandios delusions.  What I want is simply be able to continue trying my best to be coming from the perspective of love and of being able to contribute.  This, in my own little way.  In my own little corner of the universe.  I want that at the end of it all, I could also say back to my God, "It is done, Lord."  I know I've fallen several times but I have tried my best to give back even just a shadow of what You have given me.  "It is done."