Life and death

Yesterday, I went to attend the internment of an acquaintance, of a friend. He was the Agricultural Technologist assigned for the project I'm currently handling. I haven't known him for that long but I had stayed in their home for a few times while we were doing an assessment in the area last year. Yes, he was that generous. Maybe that is the reason why a lot had showed up yesterday for the internment too.

What was sad about his death was that he was only 44. Very young. And he left a wife and two sons...

While we were on our way to the cemetery, I remembered us both passing by it during the assessment days. We were on our way back from Palo 3 and we passed by the cemetery. I remember him jokingly telling me that everytime he would pass by there late in the afternoon, he would speed by and avoid looking at the direction of the cemetery. I find it ironic yesterday remembering that particular moment and our having to lay him at rest in that same cemetery.

Life indeed is short. You'll never know when your time will be up. Nonoy was such a carefree soul. He was not without his smile that seemed to be permanently fixed on his face. Weird but only two weeks ago I've talked to him. He was telling me about his pet project -- eel raising -- and how he is about to earn a great income out of it come May. He had worked diligently for that project. He had often talked about it to us during the assessment when the whole thing was still at its planning stages. Then the next thing I knew, he already had the whole thing going. And now, he had left even before he could reap his rewards. Life really is strange. It has no guarantees...

I'm back!!!

On travelling, self-importance and truth

Yup, again! And nope, this is not the same blog as the one below it =) I'm afraid my future blogs from now on will be sporting similar titles since I'm definitely back at travelling again. Two of my projects are well on their way. One is in South Cotabato while the other involves the Legazpi LGU in Luzon. While the latter would not take me to Legazpi sometime soon, I would definitely be visiting Manila for perhaps a couple of times, sometime in the next six months. Hmm... not bad at all. But I doubt these trips would allow me the opportunity for personal travels. My schedules there fall on a weekend. This means by the time I'm through with work, I would have to fly back again home to tackle work back in the office... Hohum.

I had been reading my past entries here awhile back and I was amused at the ones that conveyed my moments of being at a stand still. I remember feeling really restless at that time, not getting used to being grounded for a long time. Yet now, here I am, just gotten in from a very nice trip spent just a few days ago; finishing some work concerns to travel again tomorrow night for a weeklong activity over at the northern portion of Mindanao. Yup, travelling again tomorrow. It seemed that the time spent in being "motionless" did not happen at all.

Last week's trip -- of a personal, leisure kind -- was really something. It was fun, satisfying, and a lot had happened that had me in a "pensive" mood. Only, all the moving about did not give me the opportunity to pen down my thoughts though my journal was definitely a constant companion then.

Self-importance. Something happened during my trip last weekend that once again gave me a peek at human nature and how each one of us really had different conditions, circumstances, truths that we had to contend with in our lifetime. The incident drove home the point that each one of us really has this "unique" "set of dramas" that we have to live, fulfill and go through, for us to arrive at our future selves -- whatever that may be. By "set of dramas" I mean associating life with a great set or stage wherein each one of us is the main actor in our own play. I am not referring at all to man's tendency for pettiness or on our penchant for blowing everything up to feed our illusion of grandeur...

As usual, having the opportunity of enjoying a long weekend, the group decided to take advantage of it by visiting a place we've never been to yet. Despite the seeming "unsureness" of it all, we went ahead with the trip just the same. Indeed, we encountered a few "glitches" along the way but they were hardly unexpected in a trip such as that. What's really weird, however, was this incident we had when we arrived at one of the places we visited. There was this man we met there. Their place had been featured in some travel shows and magazines. My expectation was that the locals there are probably used to seeing "tourists" already and therefore having new faces show up one day is no longer such a big deal for most of them. When we got quite the opposite reception, I was really caught off guard. I could not understand what all the fuss was for. My usual patient and understanding self suddenly had to keep a tight rein on the irritation I was feeling.

This man asked us a torrent of questions as to why we where there, had we paid courtesy to the mayor, what we were doing at their place on a holy week yet, etc., etc. I did not understand the questions at all. Or more appropriately, why they were being asked. We are supposed to be in a place hailed in some travelogue or the other as a "must-see" haven and should be on the list of any local traveller. And we were just there to see the place, nothing more. And looking at ourselves, I don't think we look like some terrorists of sorts or of any dubious character. The most unfortunate part is that he really lingered with us up until we were getting ready to settle for the night. His narrations were long and exaggerated that my irritation grew by the minute. Then it all sank in. This man is just throwing his weight around so he would be made to feel that he is important. My irritation disolved like a puff of smoke when I had this realization. It was replaced by pity. I was thinking at that time, that this man will be going home that night feeling good about himself for doing something that is out of ordinary from his usual, daily routine. And how I pity him. I felt sorry that he would have to go through such lengths -- short of almost harrassing us -- just so he would be able to feel good about himself. I began to wonder about his own set of circumstances, what his life is like, what constitutes his daily routine. I wondered whether he had a life outside of his life there in some obscure town in the middle of nowhere... Then I looked at myself, my opportunities for travels and going other places... And once again I began counting my blessings...

I remember feeling the same way when I was at the peak of Taal two years ago. I even wrote in my journal then. I was talking to this local there who was really trying to convince me to rent their horse in going back down. I had stubbornly walked all the way up, refusing the offered horse to me unlike the other tourists -- Koreans -- there who were with me in going up. They all saddled up for the ascent. I stood my ground and walked. In going down though, I relented and rented a horse when the lady local there (whose name I unfortunately forgot) explained to me that it's the only source of income they had aside from fishing in the lake. I also realized then that their lives just constitute being where they are and doing their daily routine.

I am indeed blessed. Truly, wondrously blessed.

I'm back!

Yup! Back in Davao and back in the office. This morning, came in real early for some PLSD matters. Yup, that project had officially started. Finally. Te Jean had just left for the airport hoping she had not missed her flight yet. She had a meeting concerning PLSD concerns tomorrow. It meant there are a lot of "documents" for the project that needed to be ironed out before she leaves.

Yesterday, I was sick while in Gen. San. I think the "shell soup" I had for breakfast was the culprit. When I was just about to leave the hotel for the terminal, I suddenly felt real hungry. I thought it funny since I just had my breakfast. That started it. A few moments after, my stomach emptied its contents -- finally, I was able to justify my feeling hungry =) I felt real weak after that. I was torn between wanting to just sleep again and going home where I'd feel much secure and sure of being taken cared of. In the end, I had to go home since Ate Jean called me up to report to the office for the PLSD project. Huh! So weak and hungry, I dragged myself up to take that 3 hour trip back home. Fortunately, I had started feeling better when I boarded the bus. But quite bad for me, I was not able to sleep much on the bus except for a few minutes of shut eye. I had a lot of things on my mind so that kept me awake for most of the trip.

So now, here I am, taking a few minutes break. This morning, I did not have much of a break, rushing those documents that Te Jean would have to bring with her for the meeting tomorrow. I sure hope everything will turn out well tomorrow. I'm real excited to start that project already...

Running an extra mile

In some obscure internet cafe
Purok Malakas, Gen. Santos City

Doing some research for my training tomorrow with the Kablon Farmers. Yup, quite late to do some researching huh? Sigh. This is actually, already running an extra mile for my part. I could do without this entrepreneurial test I'm currently researching for. But then again, why am I in this project? Is it to sincerely help or to just earn my monthly wage? Hmm... both.

I'm itching for some quality time to really reflect and write down my thoughts. A lot had happened the past weeks that I feel I need some time for introspection, discovering my feelings... take note of my realizations... But there are a lot of things that has to be done at the workfront... I feel that they have to take priority over other things at the moment.

Tomorrow, I'm off for Kablon again. Would have to wake up real early again... But I don't mind really. I'm really just praying though that everything will turn out okay tomorrow. Not for my sake but for the beneficiaries (to be politically correct, they should be called "partners" really) of the project. I could have been a streetsweeper, a salesgirl or some officer of the bank. But as it is, God placed me in this work. He had entrusted in my care some people's lives... Well, maybe somewhat, indirectly. With what I do it is inevitable that I somewhat touch other people's lives, as they had mine.... And it's a responsibility I could not just take lightly. Although, sometimes, I'm really guilty of letting tiredness get in the way of my doing a real, good job. But I have my source of strength. It just takes some remembering sometimes... Because sometimes I forget....

Mulling over some work concerns...

Just came in. Been to a lot this week and the weekend before. The past two days I’ve been in South Cotabato for the Kablon project. We had our Project Orientation last Wednesday. Thankfully it went pretty well. However, the whole proceedings and my exchanges with our fielded local expert for the project told me much is still needed to be done where the project is concerned. Next week, we are set to start with the coaching proper on Enterprise Development and the Business Planning aspect of the project. With the way things are, I am not that confident about our “readiness” for such an activity.

Actually, before me are two set of modules of prior trainings we had had on Enterprise Development. I had been leafing through them, trying to see which modules we could use or would be appropriate for Kablon. I’m feeling some misgivings at the moment, thinking these things, supposed to be, should no longer be my concern. But given how things are, they are, apparently. And so, I would have to do what I had to do – leaf through our materials in Enterprise Dev and provide the same to our local coach. And so I must get on with it then.

Small is beautiful. I am exactly where I am meant to be.

Feeling a bit tired. The whole trip yesterday, surprisingly took a toll on my body. I had a difficult time getting out of bed this morning. I wanted so much to just linger there and go back to sleep. But I had to go to the office. The project, having officially started yesterday meant there are a lot of things that needed to be done. So quite unwillingly, I dragged myself out of bed and here I am.

Yesterday's trip was... definitely something. The night before, I saw in the news that two bombs were found very near the KCC Mall in General Santos City. Yup, not just one but two. And yes, that following dawn I am going to where they had just found those two bombs. It's nothing new, however. That my job would take me to where others might avoid going is something I have gotten used to already. It's all part of what I do. Besides, I always adhere to the principle that whether standing or sleeping, in one's home or somewhere less secure, if it's your time to go then it's your time to go, no matter when and where you are. So I wasn't really apprehensive about taking the trip. I must confess though that when I boarded the bus and found several boxes lined up in the center aisle, I grew a bit insecure. he-he-he =) Not only once or twice have I caught myself eyeing the box suspisciously. =)

I read somewhere some time ago that in the everyday of your life, one is always afforded a "magic" moment (or "moments," if one is lucky enough). And that you would just have to be vigilant and aware enough to be able to tell that such moment has come or is taking place. I believe in that, although sometimes I forget it and a day has passed without my being aware that something magical had taken place...

Yesterday's magical moment occured during our conversation with Ms. Mimi back at Koronadal. We were sorting out the details of the project, levelling off with our expectations as to how the project would go. Then it happened. I have been voicing out some concerns with regards to the readiness of the community in what the project intended to do. We were also talking about the possible approaches to use to ensure, not only our being able to to achieve our objectives but most importantly that the project would really be able to help and leave something for the community.

That entire conversation was magic to me. That is exactly how I'd want "project discussions" to be -- wrought with sincerity. More often than not, the focus would be on the deliverables.Sometimes, it is hardly asked whether or not the project would really be something that the community would want for themselves or whether or not the implementers' desired outcome points to the same "direction" the community sees themselves taking. I am not saying that everyone's doing this. It's just that sometimes, I've seen implementers more focused on meeting their deliverables and deadlines than anything else... (Yeah, I do have some issue with regards to this...)

I felt my world stop a bit when Ms. Mimi said, "Yeah, I always believe that small is beautiful," affirming that what we intend to accomplish is really just a "small" thing but our sincerity to help, more than made up for that seeming "smallness." She is right. Small is indeed beautiful. A thing doesn't have to be big and "grand" to be able to make a difference.

The day before I left for South Cotabato, I sat in my desk thinking I have forgotten all about my childish dream of being able to make a difference. I have forgotten that it was that dream that led me to this desk today. Have I really forgotten, I wouldn't be sitting at this desk right now tackling gantt charts, session guides and project proposals. Have I forgotten, I wouldn't be waking up really early to catch a dawn busride to where others wouldn't dare go. Small is beautiful. My efforts are small but my heart is big enough to make up for that minuteness.

At a stand still

Indeed, I feel very much as if I'm at a stand still. Everything just seems to be... well, at a stand still. I sit here at my desk not quite knowing what to do. It's a pretty weird feeling. I'm used to having work upto my neck, not quite knowing which task to tackle first. Now, I sit here feeling worried to be not doing anything much. Weird.

Ahh... Noel Cabangon croons again. My discman's a constant companion lately. It helps me "concentrate," free me from the distractions here in the office. It carves for me a little cocoon where I could be alone with my thoughts. They could be noisy all they want, but with my earphones securely in place, they could very well not exist.

Now, it's Joey Ayala's voice filling my head. I'm actually listening to a copy of the CD, "Gitara, Lapis Atbp." It's a 12-track CD by Noel Cabangon and Joey Ayala for a fund-raising project of PBSP. Bee and I attended the launching concert here in Davao City last December. I bought a CD during the concert to help in the fund-raising bit and well, because I also liked the songs in it. The CD had become quite a favorite lately. Somehow I always find myself reaching for it often these days.

The concert. It was such an experience. The songs leaped at me. At one point in the concert, I sat there thinking I was probably the only person there with tears brimming from my eyes. I sat there, so still and quiet but so many things had been going on inside of me. It's difficult to explain really. I just knew that sitting there, knowing what cause the concert was for, and the lyrics of the songs literally embracing my whole being, I was reminded of the things I dreamt of as a child...

Idealistic. I was pretty much an idealistic child. I dreamt of changing the world, of making a contribution to humanity in whatever way I can... Now, I'm thinking, where has that child gone to? What had happened to her? Was her dream the same dream that used to fire her spirit so much in the past? Does she still have that at all -- fire in her spirit? Does she still have her spirit at all? Does she?

"Nangangapa" ako, trying to search myself... trying to find the answers to the above questions... I haven't asked myself those questions for a long time now... I find it funny, I started this blog just trying to fill my time and here I am totally surprising myself with these questions... Where did that come from? I guess the answer is simple really, being at a stand still, I am afforded with the luxury to get my bearings again. Not distracted with work and other tasks at hand, I am again able to look up and see where I have managed to get myself into.

"Where am I?" Now, it has come to that again, huh? The proverbial question -- where am I? Here I am sitting at my desk, earphones plugged to my ears... There's a folder and a gantt chart in front of me reminding me I still have some things to do before I leave tomorrow for South Cotabato to finally begin a project that had been stalled for a long time. That's where my physical body is. But my spirit, my soul? It's in a different plane altogether, crying for that lost child who had such big dreams...

The Greatest Waltz in the World

Last night, we stood in the middle of the room, barefoot. I was holding in one hand a Discman. We split the earphones between ourselves. Noel Cabangon croons,

"Ibig kong iduyan ka
sa king mga bisig,
Hahagkan
At yayakapin ng mahigpit...
Iduduyan ka....
Hahagkan at yayakapin...
Ihahanda ko ang daigig,
May pag-ibig sa paligid..."

I was trying to hold back the tears. I was choking up with my own emotions. I didn't want him to see my vulnerability. I didn't want him to guess that I was very much affected by this simple dance. It was supposed to be just fun, a play, being childish. But the moment felt very much intimate to me. It affected me to the very core. Then he reached up, held my face in both of his hands... I had closed my eyes by then, hoping to block the tears that were already streaming down my face. I was silently praying he wouldn't notice. If he had, he did not mention it. He just held me, smoothed the hair off my face. At one point he kissed me by the cheek were my tears lay. I'm not quite sure whether that is why he kissed me - to soothe away the tears. I didn't want to ask. It was such a tender moment. And one I'll never forget.

Hmm

Feeling really tired... hungry too. Haven't accomplished much today. Often feeling lethargic these days. I don't really know the reason for this. Must be the heat. That, and a bad case of insomia. For more than a month now I really have trouble sleeping. The earliest would be 1:30 A.M. and the latest being 3:30 A.M. Yup! extreme insomia, huh?

Last night, while I was desperately trying to convince myself to sleep, a thought cropped up. I recall how a speaker in our community once said that strengthening one's relationship with God could bring peace into one's life and thus assures you of a good night's sleep everytime. Last night, proving sleep to be elusive once again I asked myself, "Am I not at peace?" Why this difficulty to sleep?

I must admit, I am feeling a bit restless lately. It's as if I want to be somewhere else than where I am at present. I am thinking, could it be because I haven't done much travelling lately? Compared to the previous years, come February I would have been to different places already -- both for business and leisure purposes. Yet this year, here I am, seemed to be eternally rooted to the spot. I am wondering if this is really the cause for my restlessness. Is it?

Examining my feelings closely, I couldn't really say that the lack of travel is the reason for my restlessness. In fact, I could almost say that I'm feeling a bit relieved at being able to rest for some time. All those running about had somewhat left me "exhausted." Yeah, content and fulfilled but "tired" all the same =) I don't want to sound ungrateful since I'm feeling far from being ungrateful. In fact, I truly feel so blessed to have been afforded all those opportunities. All I'm saying is that right now, despite my feeling restless, I am also feeling blessed to have been given this time to rest, and to get my bearings again...

Hmm... at peace. I am feeling that now. I am at peace. This only affirms my belief that sometimes, really, it just takes a little introspection for one to fully realize that in whatever state one might be, he is truly blessed. All is well.

Having Friends Over the Weekend

Hmm... another week. My weekend's pretty okay. Did not do anything much. Spent the whole of Saturday till Sunday dawn having a movie marathon. I recently bought a complete set of "Friends" first season. Yup, the complete set! I really did not intended to finish the whole thing over the weekend. Just wanted to watch one or two of the CDs. Before I knew it, I couldn't go over a task or do something else without thinking about the other CDs left. So to get it out of my system, I gave in and finished the whole thing. It was fun. Some of the episodes I have already seen from before but it was still fun viewing them again. Now, I'm thinking about buying the whole season 2 set. But considering how costly it could be, maybe I could do without it for another month or two hehe

Sigh. Too many things to do with regards to work at the moment. Two of my projects are about to start already. It means having a lot of details to take care of... I'm actually glad.

On pictures, lunch, motherhood, kayaking and complexion

Did nothing much today. I wasn't even able to update any of the two blogs I have. Well, except for now... I did organize all of my pictures in my computer though. Fixed the folders and stuff. Did a lot of renaming the files too as most of the pictures are still in their DC0000XXX mode :)

Actually, I would have wanted to upload some more pictures at the roadtrips blog but I just couldn't decide what particular travel or activity to feature... Would have wanted to upload the Cateel Caving Congress but I'm still wanting some pictures of it that I don't have on file at the moment, so... The same goes for the Tamayong pictures...

Hmm... any realizations today? Not much really... Highlights? Hmm... had lunch with B at Kong Ai, that vegetarian resto we frequent. The food was great. Tried for the first time their curry viand. It was really good we ordered another one and some extra rice hehe We also ordered our usual Tokwa viand. It's not your usual Tokwa though that's fried and dipped in a ginger sauce. This kind they sautee with a little sauce in it. I like it.

After lunch, we went to "Lots for Less" since he told me he wanted to buy something. We ended up buying some sprayer for Mama and some massage-ball-something. It was a pretty nice gadget. I took to it instantly.

Hmmm... Mama. We had some kind of a disagreement over the weekend. When I dropped by their school right after Lots, I was relieved to find out that we're okay already. She was teased by her co-teachers that it's obvious that her daughter really loves her. Sigh. Knowing how Mama is, I'm sure she was in one of her drama's again. I just wonder how could she ever doubt my love for her? But yeah, I know how she could be sometimes... But it's a good thing really that we're okay now.

What else? ah, last night, Renee, Bambie, Bolo and myself attended a meeting with the "Bugsay Dabaw." It's a local paddlers club we are members of. Hmm... it wasn't really that interesting -- the meeting. What interested me though is the fact that apparently, we might be having some kayaking activities again in the very near future. Must be during the Araw ng Dabaw celebration which is due next month. Hmm... that would really be fun. At one point in the meeting, Renee and I looked at our forearms. No, we weren't checking out whether they are still strong enough to do some serious paddling again. We looked at them and acknowledged we are just about to get our "normal" color back. We are almost fair again. Well, almost. Apparently, with some kayaking lined up and the summer coming in again, there's little chance to that. Hmmm... I don't really care that much =) Thank God I'm not vain enough to ruin my chances at engaging in certain activities that would somehow make my life fuller :)

The Greatest Event Coordinator

Lost soul huh? nice page u got here Glad :)

I really pray that u and ur siblings

will be able to find your own place in the sun.

I know my accomplishments at the moment might be something u can envy

but I also did not get to do all these things at an early age.

I had some waiting to do too =)

But i had faith. I knew God's delays are never God's denials.

I knew and I still believe that God is the best "event coordinator." =)

Count on Him to have a great plan for you,

with all the details taken cared of =)

because for sure, He knows our heart's greatest wish even before we know them ourselves :)

Wrote the above letter to my pamangkin in response to her message to me in my guestbook. I really have a soft spot for pamangkins :)

Back to my message to her, it contained certain truths that I still adhere to...

God as the greatest "Event Coordinator." I could hardly elaborate more. Indeed, what else could I say? How many times have I experienced forcing certain issues? Like orchestrating certain things to happen and end up being disappointed all the same? But when I just let things be, operate on my faith, then everything will turn out to be exactly how I'd want it to be. Only, I wasn't really totally aware that that's how I want it to be. Trust God to know more than you do...

Those experiences, those when I just let things be, they often amaze me. Every detail is taken cared of... Nothing is amiss. It's as if everything is laid down very carefully, all mapped out and well-planned... The result -- a setting that would often leave me awed and breathless. My heart would totally expand, probably being filled with God's love. With God really, He makes all things beautiful.

However, I still have my moments. What can I say? I'm a control-freak. Wanting to be in control is an integral part of who I am. I guess it's some kind of a security blanket for my part. I like it better when I'm in control of certain situations... It makes me feel a bit safer and more secure... So, while I recognize that nobody could top Him where orchestrating my life is concerned, I still commit some mistakes, forget this particular truth and conduct my affairs in my own inept ways... But I'm there. I know I'm getting there. I know that no matter how I may often forget certain truths and lessons I've learnt in the past, God is always there to gently prod me along, gently "push" me to "review" my lessons once again...

Ah... it is indeed wonderful to be alive... alive and taken cared of...

Hmm...

The relationship thing, surprisingly, is going on smoothly... I'm wondering whether it had something to do with it being the week of the V-day or whatever. I also read somewhere the other day that Neptune is in close transit with the moon or was it Saturn? hehe whatever. For whatever reason, we are both okay.

Speaking of V-day, we really did not have much of a date. We both thought the restaurants would be pretty crowded that day so no sense joining in on the crowd. And I really wanted to spend it with my family so... But we still ended up having some dinner together, Mama having other plans. I had to buy some food for the house so he accompanied me. Since I was really hungry already, we ended up having dinner together. We had quite a nice conversation. No fighting at all. Real nice.

Hmm... but last night's dinner was even a lot nicer. Last week, we have already talked about spending our dinner date instead on the 15th. And so we did. We ate at our favorite Italian Restuarant -- La Tuscana. The food was pretty rich. I had a plateful of pasta, him some risotto. Yup, plateful. We thought at first that we wouldn't be able to consume them between ourselves. But we did. Hmm... it was pretty cozy...

Highlight: He did the praying over our food that evening. It usually is me. The most touching part is that he did not only express gratitude for the food we are about to have but for the fact that we are together and for the relationship... nice noh? Melted my heart right through...

Re-stumbling upon a truth

Lately, with this blog thing, I took to rereading some of my old journals. I'm toying with the idea of putting up some of my previous journal entries here. It turned out to be not a bad idea -- the rereading part. Why? Because, in the process I re-stumble upon old truths, old lessons I've learnt a long time ago but somehow over the course of years, have again forgotten.

This morning, reading one particular entry I said to myself -- "So I knew this truth even then. I had learned this lesson even then... How come, I have forgotten?" Well, I guess the answer to that question is simple really. It is because, over the course of years, I have not been very much paying attention to who I am within. I have somewhat lost touch with my innerself. Work and fun had become the utmost priority that very little time is left for introspection -- if at all. Hmm... so right now I'm in the process of "re-educating" myself. I am in some kind of a "refresher" course. Below is one of the assigned reading for one of the modules of the course.

June 29, 2000

Thursday

10:36 P.M.

A lot had happened just this week. I guess I could say I went through some kind of a crisis. A personal crisis as it was.

Betrayal comes to mind when I think about it. I did feel very much betrayed. But really thinking about it, I guess, it's not really betrayal. There was no deep relationship that links me to the person concerned. And, affection was never lost, or exchanged for that matter, between us.

Looking back, it was a good experience, albeit, a very painful one. It taught me a lot of things about people… about life. It opened up to me the whole concept of “disillusionment.” I was given a peek as to “how” and “when” a person learns to compromise – if not altogether let go – of his ideals.

It was a baptism of fire. In a way it was a ritual of sorts. I came across “malice” in its strongest form. Hmm… on second thought, I don’t think it’s much of a malice really. I guess it’s more of a person’s desperation to just “be.”

It must be sad being way past your prime and discovering that you are way past your glory. All of a sudden, the limelight is already taken off you and you look back, wondering where all of your past glories have gone to. Thus, the desperation to have it all back, the desire to feel that you are still important, that you are still very much in control, still very much influential.

I was a victim of that desperation. Like a prop I was picked, unconsciously and absent-mindedly to feed one’s desire for being made to feel important. Unconsciously, because I don’t think it was really intentional. Absent-mindedly, because the focus wasn’t on me who was being “sacrificed” but on the desperation.

Personally, there are a lot of things that I need to work on. I should learn to focus really, not lose sight of my ideals yet at the same time, not be too hung up on them to close my mind and doors on anyone or anything that falls short of such ideals.

I’m too hung up on my ideals, too adamant about taking any form of compromise that I have misjudged the right actions to take.

LESSON LEARNED: Just understand how people are, what drives them to do what they are doing. Even if it hurts, learn to find it in my heart to show compassion just the same. Learn to let the “understanding” take control. Never scorn, think yourself better for “knowing” more than the other does.

Be kind. Be compassionate. Learn to consider each conflict encountered before taking any action. If bossy, do that which has to be done. If pained and hurt, take a pause. Breathe before taking any action. Lashing back would never do any good. You know better. Learn to take the best attitude in handling situations. Learn to meet scorn and impatience with understanding and humor and good will.

Not an easy thing to accomplish, this! But with God’s grace, I know I can do it all. Just think of Apo and the love that must be behind anything and everything beautiful.

Focus. It’s kindness that I want. Reflect, so as not to lose sight of one’s intentions: Not to live life in vain…

Happy St. Valentine's Day

Expectations. I guess some of us would have a lot of that this day. I am wondering if I am one of them. Hehe Oh well... I'm no longer 18 and I'm way past the stage and yet, maybe there's still a bit of that yearning. So in my case, it isn't really much about expectations. I've learned my lessons. But the yearning, well, it's definitely there :) Happy St. Valentine's Day to ya'll =)

The List

I was leafing through one of my journals last night when I came across this list:

• Cares so much for other people
• Has capacity for depth
• Has capacity for deep feelings
• Who can be moved by the sight of a sunrise, or while standing on top of a mountain and gazing at all of God's creation below
• Who can be equally moved by a simple moment, by a simple situation which is really as equally important as a glorious sunrise or a majestic mountain
• Who is "involved" in life and in the world
• Has a passion for life and the many possibilities it holds
• Has thirst for learning, knowledge

I know I need not elaborate what that particular list is for. I was asailed by many thoughts soon after... And as if on cue, I also came across an old CD I have of the Ally McBeal Soundtrack volume 2. It's been a long time since I've played that CD. I looked at it and wondered what made this particular CD really special that I included it in my compact cary-it-all CD case. It meant I wanted to take it everywhere I go. I knew it was a pretty good collection but I knew there's something special about this CD. I knew it has something to do with a particular song or songs in it. I just couldn't remember what. I could remember though that there was a time that this particular CD has become some kind of a "national anthem" to me. It had become a personal "flavor of the month" for some time. I could vaguely recall playing it over and over before -- as with the other CDs that had become a "theme song" of sorts that somewhat fit whatever state of being I'm in at a given time. So, to find out, I played it.

The first few songs were interesting enough. I said to myself that it is a good collection. At the same time, I could sense myself tensing. It's as if I'm looking forward to a particular song. That was pretty weird. And then... towards the very end of the CD, it played... The "soft" intro itself threw me already. I felt sort of jolted. And then I began to remember... the feelings... the state of being I was in... my past hopes... dreams... convictions...

In hindsight now, that was pretty much of a coincidence -- finding the journal and the CD at the same time. I know the universe is trying to tell me something... And I'm not quite sure if I'm ready enough to finally listen to its promptings and urges. At the same time, I am not confident with how I'm reading all these signs. After all, I could be wrong. What I might construe as real might be untrue altogether. But I have faith and I still cling to this belief -- "that no matter if the seeker could waver and be lost along the way, always trust that the spiritual path is always there and is constant." Or, words to that effect. I got that from Coelho, in one of his books. I have just forgotten which particular book. But it is indeed true. Sigh. Once again, I'm not sure where life may lead me. I just hope that I'd be able to fulfill whatever it is that I have intended to fulfill in this lifetime. I hope my own folly won't take me to a different path, that would take me somewhere else than where God intended...

I Know Him By Heart

(By Vonda Shepard)

There's a secret path I follow

To a place no one can find

Where I meet my perfect someone

I've kept hidden in my mind

Where my heart makes my decisions

'Till my dream becomes a vision

And the love I feel Makes him real someday.

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere

Just beyond my reach

Though I've never really touched him

Or ever heard him speak

Though we've never been together

We've never been apart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

Am I living in an illusion?

Wanting something I can't see

If I compromise, I'd be living lies

Pretending love's not meant to be

'Cause I know my heart's worth saving

And I know that he'll be waiting

So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere

Just beyond my reach

Though I've never really touched him

Or ever heard him speak

Though we've never been together

We've never been apart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

No we've never met... Haven't found him yet...

But I know him by heart....

Red Everywhere

Yup! The town is definitely red everywhere. It's the Chinese New Year and it seems, almost everyone wants to have a jab at luck and so most are sporting red shirts or tops. I attended the Ash Wednesday Mass at the Ateneo over at lunch and the gym was definitely "fiery" with most of the students and other attendees there wearing red shirts. I am wearing a red blouse myself hehe

I'm feeling a little better at the moment but this morning I have really been emotional over my "relationship problem." It just seemed to me that all the signs read -- "Let go." I'm just not quite sure if that's what I really want to do.

I just want my old self back...

This weekend has been h--l. Well, I was able to spend some time with Mama. I also attended a friend's wedding and got together with some former officemates I haven't seen for a long time. We also got a visit from my twin pamangkins -- Yayang and Two-two and spent a great afternoon at Papa's "resting place." So it was a good weekend really. But where my relationship with B is concerned, everything’s quite a muddle. Even now, as I’m writing here, I am a jumble of emotions. I know I ought to be asleep by now, tomorrow being a Monday. I couldn’t afford to be late tomorrow. Literally. We have this policy in the office wherein latecomers during our Monday flag ceremony would have to pay fifty bucks as penalty. And right now, I only have that amount and some coins in my wallet. Huh!

Back to that relationship bit, well, I’m really in a mess right now. My heart is heavy, my thoughts running amok. Sigh. I am far from being at peace.

Expectations. Unfortunately, I had a lot of them this weekend. And having a lot of them, I had also been disappointed quite a number of times. Then, it all spiraled-down from there. As for my emotions, it did more than just spiral down. It went up, then down, travel in a horizontal direction, circular, then vertical again… In other words, my emotions are all in shambles. They still am. Come to think of it, if I’ll keep this up, days in a row, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d end up in a nut house. Really, it’s so easy to lose one’s sanity in a trouble-filled relationship. Huh!

Having my expectations not met, I wanted to lash back. I wanted to get even. Hmm… and I had. The often serene, thoughtful, soft-spoken “me” was suddenly sending a torrent of text messages, one after the other. Messages that could very well be likened to a double-edged knife purposely designed to draw blood. I was that angry. In fact, had he and I only came face to face, there was the likelihood that I could have hit him. Nothing “serene” about that huh? Sigh. I’m far from being proud, admitting this now.

I am not liking one bit the person I am becoming in this relationship. It pains to admit this. But I guess I’ve been so used to being honest with myself too that it’s somehow easy to let that out in the open… He just rubs me the wrong way. Or maybe, it is more appropriate to say that we really just have different values. We have different priorities.

Given the person I am becoming in this relationship, it only makes sense to me to let it all go. Hmm… I’ve made a pause, “listening” to myself, trying to figure out how that realization sits with me. I am remembering how the mere thought of letting go before used to pain me so much. Now, I just couldn’t feel a thing. Yup! No heartbreak at the moment. The crushing pain I used to feel at the mere thought of not seeing him again is significantly absent as of the moment. I don’t know how long this “not-feeling-any-remorse” would last before the pain would again set in. I’m not sure if tomorrow, when I’d wake up, I’d miss him and change my mind altogether. Well, knowing me, for sure I’ll be reaching for my phone tomorrow the minute I wake up. I know I’ll be checking it for some messages from him. But I certainly hope not! At the moment, I’m mentally making a list of the “how-to’s” in avoiding him. I’m also thinking of ways of keeping myself busy. Sadly, if I do indeed stand by my decision to let the relationship go, I’d be left with quite a void that I would have to find ways to fill.

But I’m really just so tired about this endless roller-coaster ride of emotions brought about by our constant quarrelling. I just want to breathe. I want some space. I want my old self back. The one who is quite sensible, kind-hearted and so full of compassion and optimism about life. I don’t want to be this bitter, “sharp-clawed,” ill-tempered, demanding person I am turning to be.

Finally! Just emailed the revised proposal we had been working on. The same one that I have been not quite "enthusiastic" to touch hehe Finally, that particular task is over and done with. On to other tasks at hand. But that could wait till next week. I'm drained enough as it is.

Some good news. Oribe of the PLSD project called earlier. Apparently, the project is about to start already. It's been long over due. The project was supposed to start june of last year. Then, it was moved to September, then November, to this year's January 4. I was told by 'Te Jean that he called to finalize the arrangement for the signing of the MOA hehe finally! Looks like everything is already on its way now. I've been waiting for this project to start. It would be another opportunity for learning. I've been very much involved during the development stage of this project so I guess, naturally, I'm also very much excited for it to finally taking off. Sigh! I hope the project would really start soon :)

It's a Friday and I'm supposed to join Renee and Bambie for a few laps at the Agro football field. But it looks as if it's going to rain. Bambie just texted me. She said she might be cancelling in view of the impending rain.

Rain. This reminds me of Hazel's own blog. She called it, "Rain Thoughts." At the moment, she only has two entries there. But they're both really good and I told her so :)

Jeni. She and I got to talk last night. Such chances come quite rarely these days for us. I'm remembering how there used to be a time when we would "panic" at the mere thought of our not seeing each other for a month. Haha! That was pretty weird, now that I think about it. But really, that was how we felt then. I remember how we both rejoiced then grew sad when we learned about her one-month scholarship in Japan a few years back. We were happy since it was indeed a good opportunity for her. Sad, since it would mean a month without our usual conversation.

Conversation. It had meant so much to us then. It still meant so much to us now.

Huh! Finished this entry and then puff! I got disconnected and all I was able to recover was this unfinished bit huhuhu I guess, these things do happen huhuhu

Well, another "working" week has just passed. I hope I'm going to have a relaxing, fun weekend. I think I deserve it.

Just came in from lunch. Went to the Ateneo for the noon Mass. Today is the feast of the Our Lady of Candelaria and it fell on a Wednesday yet. It took a bit of coaxing for me to attend the Mass. Knowing full well that the Novena Masses for the Mother of Perpetual Help are held in the afternoons of Wednesday, I wanted to attend the afternoon Mass instead. But how many Wednesday Masses have I let pass for this reason alone? Since, more often than not, something would come up and then I won't be able to go. I'm glad I allowed myself to be coaxed into going today.

There was a candle-lighting "ceremony" at the start of the Mass in the light of the occasion. Then Fr. Bob went around to bless everyone. Hmm... I have been neglecting my "spirituality" lately. I'm not exactly proud of this... Better do something about it then...