Ring and Bracelets

Ring dropped
Picked up
Tried
Too small for yours
Too big for mine

Much like
What we have now
Shared affection
Yet circumstance
Don't make way for rings

Let's settle
For bracelets then
Silvery ones
Embraces
But never shackles...

Just That

I desire not to posses
Nor to label
Anything
That might be there
Or might not be

I just want to live
The moment
Acknowledge
What the heart whispers
Not what the intellect interjects

I dream not of forever
Or what could be
That's far too beyond
What is now
And might not come

I have no want
Of promises
Or grand gestures
Nor to agitate
Over what tomorrow brings

I just want
What's now
Seize the moment
Love when I could
While I still could

Nothing much
But shared
Conversation
Laughter
A touch or two...

Today

Popped
Conversations
Taking photos of
Sunsets
Full moon
Bag gesture
Seated
Snip of a moment
Today

Chains

In the veil of the dark,
Chains raised
Bowed head
Passing through

Casual gesture
Nothing extraordinary
But it was a moment
In time with you

So treasured
It is
Kept in that corner
That contains memories of you...

Restless

Restlessness pays again a visit,

Afflicting my veins,

Wishing to be somewhere else,

Curled up with a book,

Music surrounding me.

I long to be by your side,

Listening to the same songs,

Hands inter-twined,

Heads huddled together,

Soul to soul communion.

Dreaming of gazing into your eyes,

Thoughtful and beautiful,

I want to sing songs with you,

To discuss the meaning,

Unspoken behind the words.

So many things unsaid,

Assumed,

Misunderstood,

As we deal with this distance,

Separating us.

So let’s cross this chasm,

Make things happen,

Say things anyway,

For love never knows,

Distance or bounds.

Mahal Kita.

Xushm Aweit.

Till Sunrise

A full day,
Cerebral tasks.
Hurried,
But never-ending.
Done with one,
Two more to go.

Time-consuming,
Details galore.
Moments tick by,
Caused inconvenience.
Guilt-ridden,
Eased by reassurance.

Impatience,
None.
Stalled time,
Yes.
But till sunrise,
I'll wait.

Virtual Party Unplanned

Planned "meeting" taking place,
It's your special day today.
Defying distance,
Te quiero's sent across the miles.

Unplanned virtual rendezvous,
Exchange of mirth.
Engulfed in camaraderie,
Teasing banter ensued

Planned exchange of stories,
Looking forward to the day.
Grateful for kindred spirits,
Binded by common love for offsprings.

Thank you God for unplanned, special moments that made Tatay's 36th truly happy-filled. Grateful.

Nothing but a Moment

A quick hello,
Passing by.
Turned down invitation,
Shoulders shrugged.
A change of mind,
Momentary discourse.

Fooling oneself,
Nothing extraordinary.
Un-comfortable silence,
Small talk attempts.
Slight touch of hands,
Illusion crumbles.

Nonchalant stance,
Nothing amiss.
Stifling a grin,
Had to turn away.
As eyes can't hide mirth,
When heart overflows...

Orbital Blog

Here's affirming my commitment to the unfolding of my truth so I could in turn, be able to give a more genuine contribution in whatever time and place I may find myself in. Here's lifting up my entire being in thanksgiving and gratitude to my God who have consistently directed my pathm, provided for my needs and given me the desires of my heart even before I knew what they were. I'll never tire of saying this-- such a wonderful tapestry you've made my life to be, Lord. Salamat, salamat... Zor spas. Shukran. Merci. Teshukar Iderrim. Thank you.

Rod: What I Want To Be

It's been awhile but finally, we again had our usual soul-to-soul conversation:

Me: At ten, Rod, I somehow knew already what I wanted to do... (describing the historical event that led me to my realization)

Rod: I want to be like you, 'Nay (my heart stopped and I immediately became teary eyed). But I might become a vet as well. I feel for people too. At school when there are vendors who do not get a sale, I buy their food even if I don't like them. But I feel for dogs and animals also (describing to me a story he read about someone who decided to become a vet after losing a dog).

Well, you could be anything, Anak. As long as you're not hurting other people to become what you want to be. Nanay and Tatay will try our best to support you all the way. I love you to the moon and back.

Sunsets

Photo credit: Tata Abella-Bolo

Restless,
Can't be still,
Can't wait for the days to be over.

Busy,
Engaged,
With very limited time remaining.

A hundred and one tasks,
With seeming,
No moment to spare.

Yet I do,
Find a few,
To sneak in thoughts of you.

Time,
Space,
Separates you from me.

Yet I,
Am kept more alive,
As seconds passed idly by.

Can't wait,
For sunsets,
That bring you closer to me.

Face to face,
Sometimes,
Even a ray's touch or two.

Oh such a sight,
To behold,
Golden, beaming, hue.

Being There, Remotely

"Tapos wala ka diri, 'Nay ba!" (And you're not here, Nanay!) Tatay repeated that statement for the third time. I got him right away. He's in a bind and he needed me to be there so once again I can help him gain a better perspective. And so I did just that.

Over the phone, I calmed him, helped him see sense. He is obviously upset but "hearing" me so calm, not angry at the other end of the line must have helped because he mellowed somewhat. Over the line, I sent over my love and he must have sensed that. I had to call a friend, ask a favor, make phone calls and online transfers in between flights but everything got settled eventually.

At the end of it all, got several messages of apologies and gratitude from Tatay for handling the situation the way I did and for understanding. "I love you's" got exchanged several times.

Maneuvering marriage, long-distance, is quite a challenge. Situations that had to be addressed together could prove to be difficult but yeah, not impossible.  One has to be patient and love enough to make the effort.

As I sit here again alone in an airport somewhere, these thoughts are what's running on my head. For a month, we would have to switch again to "remote-partnership." I again would have to work at being a good "remote" parent. But by God and by love, I know it can be done. I miss the little arms around my neck and the butterfly kisses though. Just one more month!

Sacred Contract

You told me, you sit in silence at the top

Thinking, longing for me.

Were you thinking

Of how things are shaping up?

Intention behind certain insistence, 

Suddenly crystal clear?

I come from the position of love.

Always.

Decisions are based on nothing but.

If I give my all

In everything else, 

How much more for you?

You are me.

We are one.

My own unfolding is tied up with yours.

I am much committed to your own,

As my own becoming.

I sit in silence and think

How it had to be me in your life.

Because I would stay

When everyone else had left

Despite self-preservation lashing back

That caused me so much pain.

You see,

There's no pushing me away.

I am whole

Where you are broken.

I have signed up for this

Long before the rebirth.

So lick your wounds

Stop thinking you're unworthy.

You are

Worth all the love

I can give

And much more.

I love you, B.

Working at Loving Better Everyday

Today's gem: Tatay and I texting, with him telling me his back ached from carrying both Rod and Forest for a long time. Ate Janin's celebrity idols are in town for the city's charter day celebration. Since there was quite a crowd, Tatay had to swing Forest over his neck and carry Rod so they both could see the stage.

My heart expanded at the picture he was describing. He almost did not go since Ate Janin disappeared at midday without asking permission. I had to coax him, pointing out it would be a missed opportunity. Good thing he listened. That's what I love about him. Most of the time he listens. And he sure tries so hard to be better at loving the children. We both do.

Thank you, God. We are not perfect parents. We are still very much a work in progress as individual persons but thank You for giving us the grace each time to work at being better persons, better parents... More loving and discerning...  

Of Forest, Treks and Spending Time

There were a lot of "gifts" yesterday.  One was in finally being able to go on a trek in Kurdistan.  While it is not the usual adrenaline-pumping, "conquered-much-of-myself" mountaineering feat, I felt grateful just the same. I never thought I could go on a trek here.

Another one is spending time with colleagues.  Albeit most of our staff are really young, it was fun just spending a day with them. The culture here is not much different from home.  Family is of utmost importance as well.  

Speaking of family, another gem was talking to Forest on the phone.  I miss her and her cute little voice, just thinking about it.  She relayed to me how she got sick one time and I was not there.  She was not certain of the date and so she had to ask Lola when was it she got sick.  She repeated the line, "when Nanay was not here."  My daughter is feeling my absence.  More than anything, she wants me to be there when she gets sick.  Whose child wouldn't? Sigh. A few more months, Anak.  I am grateful we are afforded to see each other every three months.  Others are not as lucky, especially those who gets to go home only every two years.  And yet, it's true.  Whether 3 months or 2 years, I know I am missing much of your growing up years.  I know you have that longing to have me there as often as possible.  

Sending you hugs and kisses, Forest from across the miles.  I miss you so much.

Of Spreadsheets and Intimacy

Today's gem: Tatay and I sharing screens in Skype and worked out an excel sheet of our monthly budget.

It felt very intimate to me no matter how unromantic spreadsheets and numbers could be. I liked the fact that we were working together, making adjustments together. I loved the fact that despite the distance, we still find ways to connect and to make our marriage function as it should.

Thank you, God for the grace. 

Conversations

Today's gem is more related to the homefront than work related.  And I must add, it had been quite a while since we've had this kind of a gem.

Tatay went caving last Saturday.  He had a great time and I was really happy about that and for him. It's Sunday, so while it is the beginning of work-week for me, it's actually a weekend at home.  So during breaks, he and the children would sneak in a Skype call.  At one of these calls Tatay joked, "Why haven't you liked my facebook post on the pictures from the caving yet? You would be the 1,000th liker by the time you would!"

He rarely ever posts anything in social media so I figured the photos (of him, most likely than not), must be really good.  And so I checked it out later that day. True enough, I loved him in those photos.  He looked so carefree and happy.

Our evening conversation was mostly on what happened during the caving.  I asked him if it was the same one we went to a few years back.  One of the photos looked familiar.  He told me that it is a different one.  I asked if he could take me there and he said he would love to.  I asked if it's okay for the children and he told me he isn't quite sure about that. He said we could perhaps go when I arrive and I told him I have a very short homestay and would want to spend it more with the kids.

We just bantered on and on until I realised how we haven't had this kind of conversation for a long time.  I immediately pointed it to Tatay.  I told him it is refreshing and happy to be talking that way again. I told him it was made possible because of the fact that he did something for himself, apart from a "you-and-me" experience.  I said that is why it is important for us to be doing things differently and be involved with individual pursuits so we could bring something new to the relationship.  Then I added that, that is also why he should allow me to explore a bit, on my own.  So I can also bring in something to the table and have something exciting to share with him as well.

Typical of him, he readily pointed out that yesterday, I also called him up to share about my incident with the child in Kirkuk.  He said I do not necessarily have to venture out to be able to share with him something.  I told him, I would also love to share something fun and exciting with him.  Then he countered, he really wanted me to travel as well and do something exciting but what worries him is how safe I would be.  It sounded cheesy but knowing him, I know he meant it sincerely.  He then pointed out that I am traveling again real soon for a leisure kind and that he's okay with it albeit with reservations. Oh and yeah, I've traveled in the past for leisure where he's not with me and it's fine.  In most cases though I was with family so I guess he's okay with it.  But yeah, I'm certainly looking forward to having more conversations with him.

IQ Chronicles: If Only's

Picture this: you are sitting in the car, looking out the window. You see the houses you're passing by but not really seeing them. You are trying to make sense of all that you're feeling. 

You thought about how the house you just came from have no doors to keep them secure. You thought about how awhile back, you had to refuse some men and women asking for rice because what you brought was intended only for the participants of the FGD. Much as you want to give them the remaining ones, you could not because there is not enough for everyone. You could not just give to a select few. Doing so might only lead to fighting amongst them.

You wonder how fast the information had spread that even those from the other sector came.  You came strictly for that validation and brought only enough and a few extra. It wasn't an intended distribution after all.

Amidst all that, you had also been very conscious of the time. You are returning back to base, 4 hours away by car and you are already running late. The discussion with the women was lengthy and the chaos that ensued in the giving of rice added to that. You worry about having to travel in the dark. You worry about the driver who would have to travel 2 and a half hours back, in a deepening night. It was an exhausting week (and even the two weeks before that) but there is no room for you to even think about how tired you are.

Then, out of the corner of your eye, you noticed some movement behind the car. When you look back, you see the same boy who earlier, asked for rice, running after your car. Earlier, you had asked about his Mum and whether she was part of the "meeting."  He had said she was not. In the chaos that ensued, you only managed a few lines of apology and then had to leave. 

You've covered around 3 blocks already and you wonder how he must have ran all the way. He looked like he's only eight. You were grateful the  road was bad and so that slowed you down.  Otherwise, you shudder at the thought of him running all that distance for nothing.  It would have been unlikely that you'd notice him if you had traveled at a faster pace. 

Before you knew it, the floodgates opened. Without warning, you found yourself  crying in the car. You've stopped the car of course. The rice was in the other vehicle at the rear. You only have the remaining juice and so you initially offered that to him. He said, he needed the rice more. You felt your heart break to even smaller pieces.

You waited for the other car and eventually you were able to give him the rice that he wanted. He said he has four other siblings with his mother and they really need the rice.

You looked at him and you are amaze to just see him smiling. He did not show any sign of tiredness. You tried looking for that determined expression you saw on his face when you first caught a glance of him. It was unforgettable. It made your heart skip a beat. For now though, his face is simply aglow as he clutch the rice close to his chest.

Again, you felt your heart being squeezed from within. And you begin to wish for a million other possibilities. You begin again that inner dialogue that starts with "if only's."

Then you have to walk away, return his smile as you try to hide your tears.  As you walk towards your car and as you start to move away, you acknowledge that once again you are not the same person you were a few moments back. You've left a little of yourself with that boy and with the women. You've also managed to take so much from those encounters.

As you journey on, you think about love and how you have so much more to give. Yet at the same time, you think about your loved ones, especially the little ones you've left behind to pursue your passion. And once again you're torn to a little million pieces...

IQ Chronicles: You Saved Me

I found two gems today. It was a very productive day. I am tired but I feel fulfilled. A lot took my attention today as there were a myriad tasks but I feel grateful that I did not feel rushed or anything. It's as if I was flowing exactly as I should.

One of today's gem happened while I was consolidating FGD results. Some two weeks ago, I had my first field visit for the year. I had 3 FGD session in 3 of the villages we were working in. They were all with women. They were beneficiaries of our cash for work project. It was our first attempt at engaging the women to do the actual work. Given the context, it was quite challenging to involve the women themselves.

What happened in the past is that while we prioritise women-headed households since they are amongst the most vulnerable, they nominated a male member of the household to do the work for them. At the end of it though, the earned "wage" would go to the women. In those cases, the men, more often than not, get a portion of the pay. After all, it is them who do the work.

This time though, we started with engaging the women themselves. Consultations were conducted to help decide on the type of work that is not only suitable but acceptable to them.

I was more than excited to be facilitating the FGDs myself. I knew I would be learning a lot. There were some significant questions I've wanted to ask. I'm excited to learn about what the women thought of the entire experience. I wanted to find out how the engagement "impacted" their lives, if in fact it did.

I remember how I felt then, driving back to the office. I was of course grateful for the experience. I felt thankful to be in the position I am now. Everything was a blur after that. With so much deliverables competing with my time, the conversations I had with the women was soon forgotten. Until today.

I had to finish my report of the FGDs so I dug out my notes. I was intent about capturing significant quotes from the women and so I lost myself in my notes. Then I came to the question, "Is there anything you did not like about the intervention?" Most, if not all, of the women were saying there was nothing they did not like about it. Then one woman said, "You saved me." 

There it was on my notes. Staring at the sentence, I felt my world stop. My heart skipped a beat.

I've never had grand illusions about my job. I always felt grateful to be making a contribution in my own little way. At the same time I know how little it is, hardly making a dent where ensuring sustainable gains is concerned. But that statement brings home to me the fact that a little gesture makes a whole lot of difference in another person's life. And it's such a humbling thought. 

IQ Chronicles: Staying

Today's Gem:  Sitting there listening to the head of the Water Authority share with us how he lost his father, a just and principled man, during the country's darkest years.  He related how the entire family had to leave in the stealth of the night, leaving their home and most of their valuables to escape the same fate happening to them.  They went to the nearby town where they own lands as well and where they have relatives only to be turned away.  He ended his story by turning to one of our guests and saying, "Pardon me for saying this but if any of you Europeans would get to experience even 1/5th of what we've went through as a nation, I don't think you would ever survive."  It was a humbling thought and I felt grateful to have met someone who also, in all, humility simply replied, "Of course.  And rightly so."

This country have gone through so much.  Even our own local colleagues tell us of their own experiences as children IDPs, moving from one place to the next.  They shared growing up being cursed and mocked for being Kurdish.  They've lost fathers, uncles, who were brave enough to fight back.  Some of them have seen grandfathers being beaten simply because they have son/s who are members of the resistance group.

At one point in today's conversation, our visitor asked him, how despite everything that he'd been through he had chosen to stay.  The others have gone to other places, mostly to Europe, to carve out a new destiny for themselves.  What made him chose to stay and serve his country instead? His response, "I have my own life here.  It is difficult to just pack up, turn your back on everything and leave." He then added that what kind of life would he have had he left?

It was later relayed to me how everyone regard him as a kind person, treating everyone equally no matter what they are or what "tribe" they belong to.  It made me realize, goodness can never be faked.  One can only go on pretending for some time. After a while, one's true nature would always come out.  But yes, there is still so much goodness in this world despite the atrocities that is happening everywhere. They are like this little light in a sea of darkness, constant and unwavering, sending out the message of hope.  Oh and yes, of course, of love...