Ah-dull-essence

So my little girl came down from the stairs calling out to me crying. We've had a massive fight.  Well not really. More like I scolded her really hard and then I went down to wash the dishes to let of a bit of steam. Lately, she had been quite snappy (and snarky! Snarly, more like it) with me which both incensed and pained me.  My well-schooled (from all the reading on the topic), logical mind knows she is in a phase.  My illogical, emotional, motherly heart however is seeking for the what-used-to-be-so-sweet-gentle-and-caring demeanor in a face that is almost distorted with angst and irritation.  My little sunshine has turned into this moody, scorching ball of fire.  And my heart breaks each time.  So today, it seems, it has come to a head.  

A few months back I happen to read a text from my old phone that she often use.  It is where I keep my authenticator app for work and other related apps like Outlook and Teams.  So when a messaged popped, my default was to check.  It did not help that I was working and distracted and quite a fast reader that I happen to scan the full message before it dawned on me that it wasn't for me but Forest.  And the message while innocent as it was, had the instant effect of turning my blood cold. I froze. Denial came as a reflex. Nah, not my Baby Forest.  

Looking back, there was nothing to it really.  But I guess it was just lurking in my head and since that day, a big pendulum has lodged itself there.  My thoughts would swing from being reasonable, asking myself had I been such an expressive 14 year old to the 'object of my affection.' (Hah! I wasn't at all.  I've written various entries in my diary though haha! And, at 15 years old, had 'co-authored' a journal with my 3 other closest friends.  We even named that journal -- littered with accounts of crush-sighting and 'sighing' our feelings into its pages -- Honeysuckle! How cheeky! Haha! But enough of me!) 

So I've been swinging from being indignant to being understanding to having difficulty in coming into terms with my little one's being finally infatuated. Yep! (Shocking huh?)  So today, against my better judgment (I have thought about playing the role of the bestfriend-Mom, all gushy and excited and laying myself open so she would feel comfortable about opening up to me.), I've gotten angry. While I did not raise my voice as I normally would when I become exasperated, I knew Forest could tell I was angry.  The gist of what I told her is that she is too young, in my opinion.  What's the rush?  Although I also did make it clear that I am not invalidating her feelings. Too young. Too rushed.  At one point I told her, how can she be that kind, sweet to another while these past months she had been nothing but snarky to me, her Mom, even when there was very little reason for her to be so.  I was petty too, asking where is that little girl saying she wouldn't have a boyfriend until she is forty! (Petty indeed as she was only 8 years old then!)

I stormed out of her room and washed the dishes so I could somehow project my busy thoughts into my busy hands, doing something mechanical.  Then she came down crying. I did not hear her at first but when I moved closer to comfort her, I heard her say, "Sorry."  She told me she had always wanted to say sorry every time she gets too moody with me.  Then she told me, she's very scared at the moment but that she wanted to open up to me because she trusts me.  And that she is seeking my guidance.  I hugged her and told her that I'm not saying she should not have crushes or foster affection towards someone.  I also reassured her that she had nothing to be scared coz with me she can be as raw as she can be and that I'd love her no less; how I might get angry too but that doesn't mean I'd stop loving her.  She said she knew that, that is why she muster her courage to talk to me about it. 

I told her at that age, it is but natural but also pointed out that having these feelings do not mean rushing into having labels.  Why not just delight in having the feelings, be mindful of it... grow towards it... reflect on what it does to her becoming as a person?  I reminded her that having all these feelings does not necessarily mean that you have to do something about it or to immediately act on it.  I said it is all these external media bombardment, the urgency to do something about the feelings, labeling it...  She smiled and said, "Labels... no labeling.. what comes to mind now is no labeling oneself, calling oneself, 'procrastinator.'"  I had to pause at that and reminded her of our standing rule at home -- no labeling. I nag about doing things right away and the right way but never about labeling someone as procrastinator or lazy...  To which she nods assent. 

We've had a bit more exchanges after that but my take away is that, it is alright.  It is alright if parents cannot be that chummy-chummy-mommy-excited-with-anything if the glove does not fit.  I am not saying one couldn't be as well.  To each her own.  In my case, I've been raised in a very strict, conservative household.  While I try so hard not to emulate the same thing in dealing with my daughter, I am realistic enough to know that I could not totally escape from that conditioning.  So I've warned her early on.  Nanay could be tough when it comes to things like this.  And she was quite understanding saying, she's fine to have me scold her.  But I guess, a 10-year old saying that is totally different from a 14-year old totally immersed with the feeling.  It is alright as long as you've kept that communication channels open and established quite early on that you are coming from the position of love.  Because even if you are not chummy-chummy, and might be even a bit strict, your child will still come to you for questions, to seek guidance. I'm thankful I've also managed to establish that early on with the children as well.  I've told them -- come to me for your questions.  Your peers could be as clueless as you but Nanay would have the advantage of having been there, having stumbled and learned...

I reminded Forest that what is important right now is that she thinks about growing as a person, defining her person, what she wants... and that holds true for her big crush as well... I said it could be that as they grow, they would like each other even more for who they are becoming to be or maybe the opposite, and that is alright.  She was quick to tell me that she knows and understand all that. And that she is realistic enough to know that the future may hold something different. 

Ah... so there's nothing dull about dealing with an adolescent daughter or son for that matter.  Rod and I have our massive fights as well.  But I am ever so grateful that they still come to me for their questions and that they still seek me out for guidance -- for something as little as what color to dye their hair with to how to maneuver their growing feelings towards someone.   Ah....help me, Abba.

Lourdes

We almost missed our connecting train. We took a 6:40 am train from Lyon.  We knew we were to transfer to another train from Toulouse.  We had a hard time finding the correct platform though.  Good thing we managed to at the last minute.  

I held my breath while I was looking at my cousins run with their (humungous) luggage (filled with carefully labeled and coordinated daily fashion/OOTD, mini-packets) and board another coach while their other foot is suspended in the air from having just leapt off the platform. 

I found our train when it was just about to leave and I had to run back to where they were still trying to figure out what our ticket says.  So I was much closer to the train than they were, able to find the correct coach and board ahead.  I also have two but smaller suitcases.  Each, about 1/3 the size of theirs.  In contrast, mine is filled with dresses, shorts, bottoms and tops that are about the size of my palm when folded. (And my hands are smaller than the normal adult).  So definitely had the advantage. I leaned out to check if I had to leap right back to the platform should they miss boarding.  

(Somehow, I was reminded of a similar experience during mine and Ate's Myanmar rendezvouz.  I ended up boarding an entirely different bus from theirs, almost got lost in between, and made it to Bagan way ahead of them.  On my own.  The Myanmar blog chronicles it all). 

I was officially on leave from work but did agree to a quick, consultation call.  I did warn them I am going to be onboard a train.  I had to settle down quickly, only to find out the train's wifi is not working.  I had to go to where Ate is so she could turn on her data roaming. (Mine ran out 2 days before despite having bought a 21-day, 19+ countries data package and barely using it. Will never buy from this service provider again.) The call was a minor disaster as they also have some power interruptions from their end so we agreed to postpone to when I get settled at the hotel.

Lourdes was a quaint, little town we soon found out. My cousins went out ahead to the grotto while I had my call. I was about to leave the hotel when I got the call from Ate requesting that I buy them some hankies to wet with the water from the grotto. So bought them I did. The Shrine turned out to be huge. There are several chapels and designated spaces for confessions, praying, bath, etc. I went to several chapels but haven't found my cousins. I finally settled at the grotto and send my prayers. 

After a while I noticed a procession coming from the complex across the river. There were many people and some are on wheelchairs. It was such a sight to behold. Especially with all the banners raised high as well.  It had a "crusade" kind of vibe, only in this case, there were wheelchairs, some 'passengers' of which look visibly sick, in lieu of horses and knights.  

I knew that Ate and everyone are with them so I waited patiently amongst the crowd. When I spotted them, I joined them in the procession.

Me (Trying my best at) Finding You as You Always Find Me

The King welcoming me back :)

It felt surreal, stepping out of Kenyatta airport and driving by the once familiar animal sculptures as we head towards the city centre.  I thought that had things worked out as they should, this would have been home for the family for the past 4 years – just what my contract then had stipulated.  This year, could have been “review” year to check if it would still be relevant as a work-base.  But then, pandemic happened and the rest is history. 

Yesterday was Pentecost Sunday. Before coming here, I knew I would have to try to attend an actual Mass.  I’ve reminded the children to make sure to do so as well.  Was happy they did. In my case, it was a bit eventful.  As seems to be my usual when traveling. 

Despite traveling for more than 24 hours, I immediately checked for Catholic churches near me and the schedule of Masses. I thought I could go to Kileleshwa, as I did in the past but the website advised it is already closed.  I came across The Holy Family Basilica which is 27 minutes away by foot but just 3 mins by car.  For some reason, my data roaming wasn’t working so I could not access Bolt or Uber.  I settled to just have an online Mass and started listening to the Ateneo Davao one. Still, it did not feel the same.  I rushed to wash up, change and asked front desk to help me get a ride.  They said it will cost me 10 USD.  I was happy to pay for it.  Eventually though, Bridgette, the hotel receptionist booked me an uber ride for just 200 KSh.  She also offered to change my big bills so I would not have trouble when paying for the fare.  The problem then was how to get back. She told me that I could ask someone from church to help me get a ride back.  I’m not sure I could do it and Bridgette told me to just text her “done” after Mass and she would text me back the plate number of the taxi.  We found out my SMS was working.

I was quite happy to have made it to church.  I’ve never been to the Cathedral in the time I was based here.  I’ve been to Westland’s Mother of Perpetual Help Parish several times.  The Holy Trinity Catholic Church in Kileleshwa was another one I frequented. In fact, it was the last Mass I attended before leaving Nairobi for the UK.  I was asked to do the First Reading at that time and I felt so blessed.  It was also a Filipino community celebration of Sinulog. 

It was supposed to just be a GHT-KMEAL meeting for a week in Oxford.  Then I had to be in Serbia to lead a Learning Review.  After a week there, I flew straight to Manila and then to Cotabato back home for another workshop.  Yes, not even Davao.  I was back home after a week, in time to celebrate Mama’s 1^st year death anniversary.  I would have left back for Nairobi, the day after.  And come back a month after to take Tatay and the children all the way to Nairobi and our apartment waiting for them.  (It took me awhile to find and furnish one).

But things have a way of turning out. On the day of my scheduled flight, Covid was declared a pandemic and all countries closed their doors. Technically, I was a returning resident of Kenya but would not have wanted to sit Covid down, on my own in the apartment while my entire family was back home.  Ah, all the uncertainties at that time.  And now, everything seems to be back to normal.  Like that particular period did not happen at all.  (Really hoping the lessons learned, insights and reflections arrived at, at that time would not be forgotten at all!  Like how fragile life is… how things could change in an instant… how one does not really have control over anything, no matter how much we obsess about doing so…)

Anyhow, I digress… so after the Mass, I tried to send a text to Bridgette but even that was not working a bit. I mustered by courage and approached someone. I tried 3 times but always lose my nerve.  It was dark already and I remember security guidance for Nairobi. Good thing someone helped me and got me an Uber.  Still, I was fretful inside while taking the ride.  The hotel was quite “interior” and a bit challenging to find.  As I was looking at the buildings we were passing by, I tired to recall if I’ve went past them earlier.  I only felt relieved when I was back at the hotel’s entrance.  Whew!

I know it was a foolish thing to  have risked it but yeah, having had Communion and heard Mass felt like coming full circle.  Mass when I was last here, Mass when I got back.  It’s just that I always feel thoroughly blessed and that He always finds me wherever I may be.  I am just returning the favour… that and the fact that I always feel on a drift and anchorless if I don’t start my week right…

Here in Nairobi for a week… Looking forward to all the learning and the experience. Thank you, Abba, for all the favours and the grace, each and every time.  Extremely grateful. 

 

 

Today. Aleppo.

I groaned when I noted that the clock reads 5 am'ish. I slept late the night before, pushing myself to the limit trying to finish a report with the remaining ounce of energy left in me. I'm on my last week of this deployment and as always the case, my energy tap is already close to depletion. The last few days would be like the final sprint. I was torn between wanting to go back to sleep and just going to the gym to run as I was not able to, the night before, having attended Mass and heading straight to dinner afterwards. But the church beckons. 

I did not take the communion the night before. I was not able to follow the Mass well as it was in Arabic. I listened intently though and was able to discern a few of the messages. But as to actual comprehension, enough to touch my heart, did not have that. So I've forgone the communion. I did know that the Roman Catholic church next to it would have an 8 am Mass the next day. So this morning, I found myself changing for church (and office get-up) instead. Before that, I was doing Mommy-duty, talking to rod about his university plans... 

When we walked into the church, the priest was already at the altar and about to start. Apart from the two commentator in front, the church was empty. I grew a bit self-conscious so decided to sit at the back pew. Mid-way through, there were 2 others who came in, intermittently. Around gospel time I just felt the tears come, unbidden. It felt as if the Mass was held "especially" for me. Although of course that is not the case. But having just a few of us there, it did feel that way. Who would have thought that I'd find myself attending Mass and receiving communion in Aleppo, in Syria. What are the odds? 

I am remembering being part of a joint RTR for Haiyan and having a fellow team member speaking about the sorry state of Syria then. I remember sharing related posts over the years, as the war waged on, year after year. And then suddenly here I am, serving a 3-month deployment. I feel grateful. 

After the Mass, went straight to the office, facilitated a workshop for 2 major sessions. I did not have to do it. Strictly speaking, it was not part of my TOR. It's going an extra mile on my part. But anyone who knows me, knows that I do take my job seriously. Simply because, my job exists because there are people in need. Horrendous as that may sound, it is indeed true isn't it? Humanitarian work could be the most draining and demanding job. It doesn't have to be all the time. But I find myself, pushing myself, putting in extra on top of extra every time. Because, I feel I had to. My job is not about selling pancakes where my only concern would have to be how tasty it is going to be; how fluffy and fresh... It is about touching people's lives. Albeit with my role, a bit more "indirect" and a bit "removed" from the actual day to day community work. 

After the workshop, there were two meetings that I had to attend to as well. I found myself dozing off on the second one. Then after the workshop, I checked out the bazar for local, indigenous products on display at the hotel. Then went back to my room to do a bit of work. A few emails after, I found myself walking towards a concert. Imagine all that. Take about a full day indeed. Thank you, God.

Bliss

 Just wanted to pen this now as yesterday was pretty special.  I've been wanting to go to Mass the entire week because we were at Sinuda last Sunday and was not able to go.  I intended to have an online one but was sidetracked with cleaning the house as it had been neglected for a while.  Anyway, yesterday we were able to go after we picked Forest up from school.  Kuya was still not through with classes so we told him to just meet us there.  Tatay had a funeral Mass that morning as well so he said he just be in the car, taking a nap as he had quite a busy day.  I was fine, no bitching from my end.  We arrived early but Forest and I quietly prayed and just sat there waiting for the Mass to start.  The Holy Host was in display so was being very quiet and mindful.  

When the Mass finally started, I was surprised that Tatay sat beside us and participated too. In a little while Rod also arrived and sat next to me.  That was enough to make me happy.  Very little really makes me happy.  Ate Janin was already at home so was not with us.  

We went to the mall to buy Kuya's barong for today's Araw ng Wika.  After that we went to buy some vegan stuff.  Yes, a week now being back to purely vegetarian.... Hope it will last.  We were quite happy to have found so many vegan stuff -- salmon, shrimp, bacon, mushrooms... oats milk.... ceremonial and premium matcha... We couldn't afford to buy the minute jar of premium matcha there so Rod settled with ordering the drink.  I was also surprised to have found Bundaburg there and ended up buying two. 

It felt quite blissful.  Since Ate was not with us, we did not feel right about eating outside so we had take out instead.  We got home, ate together -- some re-heated, left-over pasta and crackers for me though because they ordered meat for the takeaway.  After that Rod and Forest practiced playing the violin and the viola together (thus the photo that has to be furtively taken nowadays and to seek permission before posting haha).  That right there is heaven on earth for me.  Truly grateful. 

Early Dawn Musings, Basking in Luna's Light

• 02 August 4 AM. 
• Latagscape, Dolores, Quezon. (Thanks, Pam! Such a lovely place you have! Thank you for accommodating us!)

Day 5 of our great Min Vis Luzon sojourn (loop?). We've just been to Tacloban, Sorsogon and Naga.  Now, we're at Dolores, Quezon.

I woke up at around 3 AM.  As I had a hard time going back to sleep, I grabbed my kindle to read. It is an interesting book and what struck me most at that dawn reading was the bit about peace. 

Peace.  I’ve been very busy since forever I think, juggling motherhood, work, being a partner and on the sides, also working on my own becoming. (In an  “almost absent-minded manner to be honest or maybe more like an afterthought...  Or could also be because I have decided a long time ago that this is very important to me, this “feeding” or minding my unfolding, it seems that "my becoming" have continuously been brewing at the back-burner or half-awake-half-awake state of my consciousness.)

Anyway, I digress. Again.  So back to peace.  Reading that line on peace, I felt I was jolted awake.  I asked myself, when was the last time that I have really felt peaceful inside.? I mean, really, really at peace?  I think from the time I hit 30, gotten married, had children, my life has been a constant juggling of schedules, priorities… making to do lists… ticking them off (or forgetting to altogether as another matter had to be prioritized).  For the most part, I think, I’ve been chasing “urgent” matter this or that… And accommodating others’ “convenient time” so we could all manage to meet our many deadlines.  (And dealing with different time zones only makes this worse.) 

Lately, I’ve been noting how my time is so consumed with work and all these juggling that it has eaten into the “quality” time I have with the children.  And my me-time most of all!  On the former, I try so hard. I try so hard to be there, to be present, to be marking important milestones in their lives, to afford them opportunities and yes, "laying foundation" for their platform of agency/privileges.  But by quality time I meant, having that heart to heart talk like we used to when they were little.  Oh, we do have some snippets of that here and there.  But I feel, they are not enough?  We are not giving it time, enough for us to have that deeper connection. Enough time that would also in turn bring us back to our individual selves… to help us along in our own becoming… (Isn't that the reason why we've chosen to be family in the first place?)

So at 3 AM, I was contemplating on these things.  Being in the cradle of Mt. Banahaw-Mt. Cristobal Protected landscape, I started thinking about healing. Healing for my tired and aching body from this trip and as a whole really... I was thinking a lot about the children and their many pre-occupations in their current lives.  I guess I'm bemoaning the fact that they hardly have time for introspection these days. 

July 31 (just 2 days ago) was the Feast of St. Ignatius and we were lucky enough that we were able to attend a Mass commemorating this at the Penafrancia Basilica in Naga.  It was officiated by a Jesuit priest and in his Homily and final blessings, the priest alluded to self-introspection.  We were driving away from the church when I turned and said to Rod, "Di nga Rod.  St. Ignatius calls for self-introspection but you don't do it often enough. Or at all?"

Rod: Oh we do that every exam period.  We answer questions around that and we do that.

Me: But that's not it. I meant "really" self-reflection (making it a way of life).

Rod: Kaya nga. We do it periodically so why do I have to do it like everyday?

Me: So what has changed? I wonder what you tell yourselves once you enter HS and suddenly you have this sense of entitlement.  You used to be really kind and insightful when you were in Elementary.  What has changed? 

I think, I was really trying to understand their culture in school.  I remember back in elementary years, Rod shared he used to buy from vendors outside the school (even though he doesn't really like what they're selling) who have less crowd and buyers because he pities them.  Somehow, all that changed in HS and he's now this almost adult (little brat? pardon the term) with a strong sense of entitlement.  

For a long time, I blamed myself for this. I was an absentee parent for the most part.  Still I would like to think, I try harder at connecting with my children than other parents who are indeed physically present and not working overseas.  (No judgment here though. We are all trying our best.) But then I realised as well that it is not my sole responsibility.  Their becoming and unfolding is very much their own journey. I could try and move mountains, fetch the moon and stars for them but their unfolding is their own. 

Whew! It took me a long time to realise this, however.  It used to heavily weigh on me and fill me with so much guilt -- maybe I'm doing it wrong... I'm too lax... too strict... to idealistic... too much everything...

Case in point, we were driving back to the hotel that same day after dinner when Forest talked back to me over something I said which must have irritated her.  I turned abruptly and said, "Teka nga, I'm your parent ha? Nanay nyo ko.  I try so hard not to talk down to you since you were very little (so you can find your voice) and now you are talking down to me?! You should afford me with the same courtesy."  I realised then, that yes, it is good to be friends with your children.  That way, they trust you more and be more open?  But we must also not forget that we are their parents foremost.  They need to define boundaries and their own sets of values.  We can only help them along in that if we are being "parents" too.  Or perhaps, just to get it straight in our head what we mean by "parenting." 

So back to my dawn musings... I guess I was really praying for my own personal healing, for Tatay and for the children.  I found myself wishing that they would just one day wake up and realise they spent far too much time being glued to their phones, looking at social media and being bombarded with many "perfect" lives they wish to emulate.  

I was lead to thinking this because for this trip, Forest took a long time deciding which book to bring.  From my suggestion, she picked up Hosseini's "And the Mountains Echoed."  It starts with a mini-story which I'm sure would awaken her interest.  I'm trying to gauge if she's now ready for this kind of book... something that would make her aware of the more realistic, alternate lives in other contexts. I guess I was guilty of wanting her to "awaken" in a way and be aware that in other parts of the world, many are just busy surviving, far from trying to achieve a flashy, glamorous, aesthetic, social-media-posting-worthy life.  I try to tell them this every now and then but I know I couldn't take on the stance of a preacher in a teen-ager's life.  That would be tantamount to burning bridges hehe

So anyway, she did start to read it, in this trip.  And true enough she loved the mini-story in the intro.  And then the real story unfolds... We were on the ferry bound to Matnog when she turned to me and said, "Makaiyak man ito, Nay.  Mag-iyak man ako nito."

Me: Yeah.  I think I cried a lot when I was reading this too hehehe

Forest: Ayoko nito.

Me: It is a good story. But ikaw.  

I did not push her.  She must not be ready yet.  And that is fine.  So in true "ever-prepared" Forest fashion, she took out her alternative book -- Keepsake, a YA-themed book hahaha! 

So these many thoughts were running on my mind.  (Always thinking about the children).  Thinking about how we are in Mt. Banahaw and in close proximity to Mt. Cristobal, I was thinking perhaps I could just harness the energy of the place and ask for cleansing for us all.  Then suddenly, I noted the sky brightening up.  It is the full moon and I was actually thrilled to be working last night and participating in calls (meetings) while such a big moon was shining on me from the back.  

At dawn, it had moved to the west and basking all of us where we have laid down to sleep.  I noticed the dark clouds slowly receding and the moon glowed in all its glory.  The light travelled from the edge of the hut, to the bamboo floors and finally to my face. I felt I was totally bathing in it.  I stood up and opened further the children's tent so the light could get to them as well. Tatay and I were sleeping on a mattress on the floor so we were totally basking on the moon's glow.  I moved closer to the ballustre that enclosed the hut, facing the moon.  It glowed even brighter... To me that was quite a magical moment.  I felt as if my prayer for healing and restoration was being answered right then and there.  

I looked down at the city lights before me and thought again about how those lights represent our many "preoccupations" and how many of us really have lost our connection to nature and ourselves.  I thought about how under those city lights, we are always about chasing deadlines, material wealth and "priorities."  I find it funny thinking how everything seems to be aligned since the book I was just reading is entitled, "Oracles of Celestial Light."

I wanted to capture the moon and how it was glowing, bathing the hill and farm before me so I turned to get my phone.  I guess that broke the spell because by the time I got back (which must have been just a minute after), the moon hid itself in dark clouds and never showed up again.  Ah... phones! What a mistake :)

I am grateful for that moment though.  Me and my crazy ideas (as Rod loves to coin it, in an amused, loving manner), at 4 AM in the morning. Thank you. Dios Mabalos.

Birthday Blog, 48th

 I remember, almost the same time last year (albeit a different time zone), I felt so at peace heading back to Keble College from Oxford Oratory Church of St. Aloysius Gonzaga. I had to Google the nearest Catholic church to me and had to wake up early despite the previous day's long travel. Of course I had my doubts, fears of being lost and not being certain there would be Mass anyway... Still, me and my penchant for marking and upholding significant days and milestones, I quashed every nagging thought, armed with google map (grateful that the vicinity seems to be neaby, I still got connected to Keble's wifi), went in search of the church. But of course, as direction challenged as I am (I really should stop telling myself this), I got lost despite the map haha  But I made it.

I remember passing through some kind of a graveyard, spotting a few tombstones, and a narrow alley just before making it to the church.  In true, Oxford sense, it looked really old but not imposing in any way. I felt at home right away and was just grateful to have found a church nearby.  I went inside and the altar was... grand but in a quiet, unassuming way.  Just they way I would have wanted it.  I kneeled down to pray.  No requests really... just gratitude. I am away from home on a mission, onto my fourth  country on the very day of my birthday.  Who wouldn't be grateful for that? I had a full day ahead, being on a week-long conference but was gifted with a chance to go to a church nearby? I was just counting my many, many blessings... 

It was not an easy life at all... Not everything was a bed of roses... I too had an angry, disillusioned phase... There were may instances when things were not going my way... or how I'd want things to be, from what my grand brain construed that to be.  I did not always have what I want, have love unrequited, was bullied, ridiculed, scoffed over for having weird thoughts and ideas... And yet, if I look back, I am more blessed than I could ever imagine.  And I could not thank God enough for His faithfulness... 

When the priest came and it became apparent that there is going to be a Mass (on a Monday.  What are the odds?), I had all the more reason to be grateful.  I grew up saying this novena with my Mom for the Holy Infant Jesus of Prague -- "seek and you shall find..."  And I have often sought... always try my best to seek God in places where I find myself to be.  In Iraq, on my last year there, I got transferred to Erbil and near the guesthouse is a Jesuit-managed church that house Syrian refugees.  Several times, I even got to sit and sing with the choir... In Kenya, I even had the chance to be a reader on what I did not know to be my last day there (thanks to the pandemic. I was just supposed to leave for a meeting and a mission afterwards).  But even on times and in countries where I wouldn't manage to find a church (I managed to attend at several in Malawi but not one in Mozambique), I feel that God always finds me instead... I remember wanting to visit Mary's House in Turkey and for the love of me, knows not how I would make it happen. But He made it happen.  I got to go, on Mother's day... imagine that...

From that Birthday Mass in Oxford last year until now, I was very fortunate enough to visit churches in Poland, the best of all was the Divine Mercy Church where Sr. Faustina's relic is buried... I was able to come face to face with the Holy Infant Jesus of Prague, in Prague itself... And very recently, finding St. the Baptist in Syria... Each experience has left me in awe of God's faithfulness to me.  I try to look back at how life has been all these years and I know every step is peppered with God's love, generosity and faithfulness.. I am not perfect though I always try to live a life that is always pleasing to God but I fail more times than I succeed... And my human brain could not conceive how I could be worthy of all these blessings.. .I am nothing but a sinner and a hypocrite to my faith at times even... But God knows, I try my best to always be faithful to love...

Thank you, Father God. I am not worthy but still You see to blessing me and my loved ones with so much... my cup overflows... Continue to hold my hand as I travel through life... that I may always be mindful of Your will, be true to my values and to be able to sow love wherever I go... I always am not at my best self, God. I stumble and fall... so do lift me up and push me to the right direction each time.. May I always be in keeping to my highest self and value. I love you. Thank you for loving me so...

I Always Would.

Funny how things work at times.  But I've always believed that there is no such thing as a coincidence really.  Sometimes I think, we "bid" certain situations to come to us because we're wrestling with some inner questions we can't seem to formulate quite clearly.  We know something is going on inside and that we are trying to put a name to it but can't seem to grasp it quite clearly.  Other times, I think we're being nudged to a certain direction and so suddenly something would happen that would make us think and make us fully conscious of the choice we have to make, that our hearts have long decided on. Something akin to this happened to me today and so I would just have to pen it down. 

Last night, we went to the citadel. As it was already dark, it is already close. I did not quite expect that.  I knew there would be restaurants around it that are often frequented by locals.  We came because a colleague invited us.  Been very busy since I got here so I was not really able to go around yet and I know this week would be quite hectic as well. So I grabbed the chance.  It had always been the hotel, office, nearby cafe and food shops for me since I got here.  When we were driving towards, the first thing I noticed was the solid, "stone" roads leading to the citadel. Anyhow, what drew my attention next are the many ruins and totally destroyed buildings we're passing by.  As if reading my mind our colleagues would say, "Nope, that was not because of the earthquake." Those were destroyed during the war.   She had repeated that perhaps 3 to 4 times as we made our way up towards the citadel.

I was tired so I was feeling a bit detached. Or so I thought.  Today, had to go out to get some food supplies and coffee. Since the museum is literally just around the corner, we decided to visit it.  Afterwards, we had some ice cream and bought some water to take back to the hotel.  As we were right opposite Sheraton where we stayed previously and where I left a pouch of daily-use essential oils, we decided to drop by and have our coffee there. We had to wait awhile only to be told they could not find it there.  So anyhow, we went to buy some groceries and then went back to the hotel.  

Caught up with Forest who then requested that I watch her sleep. I told her I'll sing her the song I usually sing to them when they were babies -- "The Promise."  So I sang and watch her sleep. I had a senior moment and tried to remember who sang it.  I knew it was from our old LPs of Mama's so I thought it must be Doris Day's.  Anyway, so I googled to be certain and came across Chris Cornell's.

I knew his must be a different song altogether because I was pretty certain his would not be as ancient as the song I sang to the kids.   I clicked on the MTV anyway and decided to watch.  And then there it was.  First scene, the "Battle of Aleppo." It was followed by the painful exodus of the people that was the result of it.  The scenes leapt at me, the devastation; the trip to the dessert; to those crowded ships crossing the Mediterranean... Yes, those bright red life jackets that had become a symbol of the many lives -- young and old -- that were lost at sea in those times.  I've forgotten that.  Now, looking as the scenes came alive in front of me -- some even are those of the Somali crisis and some other crisis --   the floodgates just opened.  "Detached" my @$$.  

I guess seeing one emergency, one after another, one gets sort of "vaccinated" and becomes somewhat immune.  To some extent, one is not as bothered by it anymore.  It ceases to become a "passion," or a "cause" which was the reason why one signs up for this "profession," in the first place.  Well at least in my case.  It starts to become "just another day at work."  But I guess I'm always "lucky" coz each and every time, I would be reminded -- To.Always.Care; that I "SHOULD" care.. Because, I am fully human.  And perhaps, a long time ago, before I've started on this journey in this lifetime, I have decided that I always would.  

Field Work Musings (First FW this year)

Truth must be really tired now if she is an actual person.  Coz she can easily be ignored, really.  Others are more than happy to take on half-truths, even outright fake news/untruth if it will suit their own personal interests…

In a humanitarian situation, community needs are ACTUAL needs.  There’s no need to qualify that further whether you get enough media coverage or not…Syria has long been forgotten even if most of its people feel everyday what had cost them this war.  

I’m here to do some field work.  And while the conversations I had would often revolve on the same narrative – how the earthquake has compounded the vulnerabilities of the people – there was one that really struck me.  I quote, “Has the epicenter of the earthquake happen to just be in Turkey alone, this country would not have been so ‘lucky.’”  Imagine that.  Lucky to have been struck by a natural disaster but I totally understand where the other person was coming from.

The earthquake has once again brought Syria to media attention.  As a consequence, the donor landscape has suddenly shifted to accommodate a place for Syria once again.  They’ve been “ignored” for years now as more and more emergencies are happening around the world; as more “media-grabbing” crises are brought to the limelight and to the forefront of “donor consciousness.”  Not saying that these crises are “little” or “less important” as compared to Syria. The drought and hunger crisis in HECA is a serious one. (And if I may add, also receiving less funding than other emergencies do, despite how massive and urgent the needs are.)

For a country that has been ravaged by war for more than a decade, the needs in Syria are unimaginable.  You have a country where power outage several times a day has become a norm.  A colleague shared how shops used to be open till 3 am in the past.  Now, they close around 11 or midnight because the power goes out by then.  I could only imagine how it is for ordinary households, having to go through harsh winters with the power constantly off.  They would have to resort to gas-fueled heaters and fuel prices have skyrocketed over the years.  And this is compounded even more with inflation affecting SYP. 

When I first came, I was surprised to have been handed a “bundle” of cash when I exchanged my USD.  I was surprised even more when I only managed to buy a small bottle of olive oil, a small packet of coffee and some vegetables with that whole sum.  What would daily expenses look like for ordinary households then? For the female-headed households with several children and dependents to feed? 

These are “truths,” realities that I know donor communities are aware of as well.  And still, had it not been for this earthquake, there were little aid trickling into Syria. And the "cost requirements" are massive -- for repairs and rehabilitation of WASH facilities; food and livelihood needs, etc.  The recent cholera crisis that hit several governorates here is the consequence of under-attended WASH needs.  Being in my role (but also on a personal level), I know I’d be looking at whether this earthquake and the interventions being mounted now by different humanitarian organizations (by my own, mostly) would be making a significant change in the years to come.  I’ve seen enough emergencies in my work to know this is not always the case. But I sure hope it would be different this time. 

 

Aesthetic vs. Authentic

 'Aesthetic' seems to be the buzzword nowadays.  Furniture, lifestyle shops, even coffee shops and restaurants tout their wares dangling the word.  Even my 12 year old throw the word around in her description of clothes, art and spaces to be in.  Even I am a bit guilty of this. I would love to check out the newest coffee shops claiming to have 'aesthetic vibes' whose Ads crop up regularly in my feeds.  Come to think of it, very few rarely speak about having really good coffee.  It seems 'instagramable' feels sell more than coffee does.  

As a mom, to me it is quite alarming noting all these flashy, aesthetic posts in social and popular media.  These are all what the children see nowadays.  It makes them blind to what's real and authentic.  They would grow up thinking that the standards that they have to live up to would only be to strive for material wealth, what's 'in' and 'aesthetic.'  And to me that is such a hard pill to swallow.  I'm privileged to have, had a lot of exposure to many communities/realities out there.  That is why I'm so grateful for the work that I have and the many opportunities afforded my way.  

Often what's real and raw and painful do not find their way to our newsfeeds.  Unless one watch sensationalised news.  Kids nowadays spend so much time in social media. They are exposed more to "sub-realities" and even fake news.  They hardly look up from their phones to see their immediate surroundings even.  Or be conscious of the people around them who love and toil hard for them.  They are often bombarded by "flashy," "un-real" projections of influencers who claim to be living the life but who also edits out the hardships and struggles behind the scenes.  Of course this does not include those who depicts what's really out there in the world and shed light on the various realities that many communities had to content with around the world.  

But even I, who is well aware of this, could hardly "urge" my children to spend less time in the internet.  Or be mindful always of what they watch and engage in.  I am not with them 24/7 and even if I will be, Kuya Rod and Ate Janin are old enough to have the right to their own space and privacy.  Oh I do remind them a lot and often I get "eye rolls" or nods of ascent but I know they do not really understand in full what I am trying to tell them.  Only Forest tends to listen and engage when I'm in my "lecture" mode on this.  Even with her, I try hard for it not to be "lecture-sounding," lest she would find the whole thing "annoying."

Sigh.  Parenthood is such a vocation really.  It's an everyday cross and challenge that one has to "consciously" take on.  So help me, God. I am not looking for the "perfect" son or daughter.  I just really want them to have an authentic unfolding of themselves, whatever that means for them. 

Saying "Yes" to the Entire Mission

 This was the phrase that struck me in today's gospel.  We're at the weekend house so we had to contend with an online Mass.  We sat through the entire thing patiently though  Forest and Tatay was a bit distracted at first and I had to put my arms around Forest the whole time who responded by snuggling closer.  In Tatay's case, I had to pat and hold his hands whenever he loses concentration.

Today is the Feast of the Child Jesus and a part of me is sorry we are not able to go to the Shrine like we did in the past. The Jesuit one we attended online was not less meaningful though.  And the above phrase is what struck me the most.  Father talked about connection, vulnerability and forgiveness.  He underlined how Jesus could have come to us in a more formidable form -- like that of Goliath -- and just "demanded" repentance from all of us.  Instead, He came as a baby, dependent upon Joseph and Mary to keep Hi safe amidst Herod's persecution.  And why is that?  And so the whole narrative on connection and vulnerability and yes, forgiveness.  But when Father pointed out that Jesus had to rely on Mary having to say "yes" to the entire mission before everything comes to be, I was floored.  I felt the realization flood my entire being.  Physically, it manifested in goosebumps all over and the tears just came without bidding.  

Many questions Mary's importance in our spiritual life and often she is ridiculed for the claim of a virgin birth.  But indeed, nothing would have come to pass -- God's incarnation, apostolic mission, death and resurrection had she lacked the courage to say yes to it all.

I was driven to reflect on how I also conduct my life; how I "direct" my own unfolding.  It's because I had to say "yes" to certain turning points and personal missions.  I might have missed certain points and erred in some decisions but I am firm in my conviction that God had always been a good guide in steering me in the right path.  He is indeed my Shepherd who patiently finds me and meet me wherever I am to point me towards the path I ought to take.  He is also my greatest "even coordinator," orchestrating milestones in ways that He knows I'd find meaning in. 

Raising Daughters Pt. 2

 Before that whole snuggling, teen-ager conversation thing in the car, Forest came to me complaining about how she felt uncomfortable in her shorts.  I then looked for the spare yoga pants I brought with me.  It has floral prints on it.  The top she had on has large leaves printed on it too.  Both large prints actually clashed so I told her, "Here, wear this. It does not quite match (your top) but it should be fine.  We are going straight home and not dropping somewhere. Nobody would be seeing you and what you're wearing.  Why wear that in the first place, if it was uncomfortable? You know we are travelling."

She looked hesitant about changing so I left her with the pair and went back to the cousins.  She caught up with me though only to say, "Nanay, in the first place, I'm not wearing this (gesturing to her entire get up) to please other people.  I dress up for me. I dress up to make ME happy not other people. So it does not matter if people see me or not. I'm not wearing this though (the yoga pants). And I'm fine with the shorts.  Not really uncomfortable. It was the seat  meant!" Then she turned her back to me, leaving me speechless.  Murag korek.  Dress up for me indeed.  Maka-happy though.  

Raising Daughters

 Yesterday. Forest snuggling to me in the car as we are travelling home from Gen San: Teen-ager na ako, Nay (in June, on her birthday).

Me: Oo nga. (I wonder though what led her to such thoughts and what she is thinking).

I added quietly, "Nanay will be tough. If you are aryat-aryat."

Forest replying earnestly: I know. Pagalitan mo lang gud ako Nay kung mag aryat-aryat ako...

Then she straightened up and asked: What is aryat-aryat, Nay? In clothes?!

Hehe I actually don't know exactly, Anak, to be honest hehe It's a family term I grew up with. (And one she has heard often enough.). Let me ask the olds in the family. But we could also define it between us. (It is a critique thrown our way (but never said harshly) when we "girls" are out of line in some ways.)

I don't want you to lose your voice or smother your power as you are growing up... But I don't want you to go overboard either. My moral compass might be defined by how I was raised, though I try so hard to be more conscious about it too and unlearn the things I should. But I know there would be times I'd be unmindful because I'm tired or because it comes out as a default sub-consciously. Let us be each other's critique and always have that conversation... I love you so much.

#Babytales #raisingdaughter

Raising Children (Hello 2023)

Funny how the last post here seemed to have the finality to it.  I certainly felt that way at that time.  In the end, Tatay wooed us all and showed us how he values us above everything else.  Everyday I see him work on himself and there are also days when he is someone I could dislike the most.  And I do and let him know exactly that.  

Last year, there was no entry at all and it is such a shame as there are a lot of moments with the children that I should have penned.  I manage sometimes to share snippets in facebook as it is the most accessible and I could squeeze it in between work tasks.  

In hindsight, maybe that is partly why I have stopped blogging for a while. I've been very busy at work and opening up a blog to write just take up so much time.  I want to go back to it though.  Growing up "with" the children is such a rich experience I want to pen down most of my moments and conversations with them.  Lest, the time would come when I'd be feeble-minded and forget everything.  Most of my moments with the children (both happy and trying times) are the good stuff.  And it is always good to document all of them, if I could.

Yesterday there was one such moment.  We were driving home from Gen San when Tatay noticed something fell on the road from the girl riding the motorcycle in front of us.  Tatay stopped and ran back to retrieve whatever it was, as it might be something important.  It turned out to be a cellphone.  

The scene in the car after that was quite funny.  Had some of the nephews shouting, "turn it off, turn it off."  Tatay and myself on the other hand said, "No, don't. Keep it on."  Forest and her other cousins were  quite confused but was visibly excited too.  

Tatay drove fast to overtake the girl so we could return the phone.  It became obvious then to everyone that the intent was to return the phone to the owner.  On this Forest suddenly said, "Maka-proud," obviously renewing  Tatay's record as a "hero" in her books.  Simon also quipped, "Best Tatay ever!" Haha!

Everyone grew quiet and started to relax also still excited about catching up with the motorcycle.  She was quite fast though and when she turned towards the inter-city roads, we lost her completely.  Tatay then stopped, noting the police patrol car at the intersection.  He handed the phone to the police who thanked him profusely with one of them sharing he lost his phone the other day as well but it was never returned.  They said they would be waiting for the owner to call the phone so they could return it to her.  

I didn't know Tatay heard what Forest said about being proud.  Apparently he did and can't stop thinking about it.  He was quite happy talking about it until this morning and even urged me to write about it hehehe He said, "Unsa to ingon ni Forest, Nay? Proud daw siya?" smiling sheepishly like a little boy and obviously very pleased with himself :) He shared he worries about the owner having important calls and numbers and then losing them if the phone is not returned.  Indeed!

Emerging from the Vortex?

 Everything has yet to pan out but so far, everything seems to be "easy."  A part of me still "wants to" weep for the person that seems to be such a lost cause.  Yes, "wants to" because I can't seem to shed tears anymore.  I am sad about the whole thing but I guess I've cried enough over the years my soul has finally dried up.  

I am definitely wishing him well and still praying that he would find and save himself from himself.  I've tried over the years to do that but there is no helping someone who doesn't want to help himself.  Even from the beginning I was too naïve to think that unconditional love would overcome it all.  He has quite a lot of inside turmoil to navigate within himself and it would take a lot of will to do just that.  And as he is with other things, he doesn't want to expend that much energy.  I could weep for the "little boy" trap within all that for so long.  

But then it took me 19 years to realise that unconditional love is about self-love too. I am strong and so full of love true that it naturally overflows.  Yet, here I am, 19 years down the road and I feel I'm slowly disintegrating as I try to put up with abuse just because I "understand" and "love" that tiny, helpless, little boy.  I've tried compassion, outpouring love and understanding... And the children have suffered in the sidelines too... 

I need to love the children unconditionally too, unless I want them to end up like this trapped little boy as well... lost and trapped in a sea of trauma and emotions that they could not make the sense out of.  I wouldn't want them to live their lives being lead by this inner turmoil they are unconscious of.  I wish I could gift the children with my penchant for reflecting and introspection...  

So help us, Abba.

Mid-Vortex

We've just had a really good evening.  We ate out at a Harry Potter themed restaurant.  Imagine the kiddos' excitement.  Mine too!  Then we went grocery-shopping at a Korean one.  The result -- really happy and upbeat children.  Thankful.  Thankful for Loreto too for driving and being solicitous with the kids.  

I re-read an entry from last year's and did not realise I poured out all my angst in there.  And I'm thinking if those are still my realities now?  Partly yes in that he still has moments and I'm losing patience every time.  More like respect really.  What has changed though is how he is with the kids, particularly Kuya. I remember having conversations with him over the past year where he express how he regrets those moments when he'd lose his temper with Kuya.  Right now, his relationship with Rod has greatly improved.  Rod goes to him when he wants something done.  Coz Tatay does it without question (cook mid-afternoons because Rod said he is hungry).  Whereas with me, I often have something to say or nag about (why not eat on time with us? Eat what's on the table.  It's good for you.)

I must admit I'm a far cry from being someone who is always understanding, giving more of me, in the hopes of him changing for the better.  I'm definitely not lovey-dovey or as generous with my forgiveness.  I definitely call him out when he 'misbehaves.'  And I guess that is partly why Loreto is working hard at being better these days.  He knows I'm not as forgiving as before.   

I'm just grateful that there is none of those outbursts with the kids for more than a year now.  And I pray it remains that way and a bit optimistic about it too.  But as for me, I'm allowing myself to love myself more and being "less self-depriving" where he is concerned.  Sure, he's still battling with his ghosts and I can definitely see him trying his best more than ever.  But, I'm no longer looking at the whole thing as something I can help 'resolve.'  I've tried over the years and I've given it my all.  There is nothing left anymore.  So help me, Abba.

Archimedes Moment: On Rugs, Parenthood and Reflections

I looked at my watch.  I have a work call coming up, for which I'm facilitating.  I looked at the rug by the window.  It has been washed but noting the accumulated dust, I know I wanted it to be much cleaner.  It's been nagging me every time I see it and I've put off cleaning it for some time.  It would be quite heavy for starters and the past weeks had really been hectic work-wise.

To be honest, it had also been a source of resentment.  For Tatay and the kids to feel that it needs washing and would take it on as a task was something I've been wishing for, for the whole time.  I was thinking, I could definitely do with the helping hand.  I checked myself... why am I such a neat-freak? I just want everything neat and tidy.  I used to think it must be because of the work I do -- highly cerebral and a lot of writing.  One has to be in a certain mood and a really, really, really (how's that for emphasis? hehe) conducive environment to be able to pull it off (pouring over graphs and 'interpreting' them correctly).  

I thought of Mama too and how she's such a tidy person (the back of the plates, cups and mugs had to be thoroughly clean too and shiny!).  She hates clutter and she's always tidying up.  I remember her being such a nag over it a lot of times hehehe But there I was with my books and my adolescent, lazy bones to be really that helpful.  Well, in fairness, we do get our household chore assignments.  I remember scrubbing and sweeping the floors the minute I wake up.  Well, right after I made the bed and folded everything nice and tidy.  I watered the plants too and Mama has a lot of them! But the nitty-gritty stuff? Like scrubbing the pots and pans and dusting every surface until they are impeccably clean, that is mostly Mama.

I remember one incident wherein I ruffled Mama's hair in amusement while she was in her nagging tirade.  She was taken aback by it.  Oh the look on her face! But she did laugh. I told her, she relax and stop being angry all the time because us children (Nino and myself) would just take it as a sign as to how tedious and tiring all those chores really are.  I told her, by her attitude, we would be put off, just thinking about doing the chores like doing the dishes hehehe  But yeah, I do remember how Mama's nagging could really get to me as well.  Thinking all of that now, I recognize that Mama must have been really tired having to do all those things on top of work.  After all, I'm in her shoes now.  While I do not nag as much, I do feel resentment.

Begrudgingly, I began to see the kids as I was at their age.  I hated having to give up my book in order to just clean or do whatever Mama wants me to do.  Now with Rod it is computer games.  For Ate Janin, it is watching TWICE on youtube.  for For Forest, it is playing, lying around and yes, watching MVs too.  I remember being particularly lethargic while in my teen-age stage too.  From all the Waldorf discussions I've participated in, I now know that it's because the bones (and the body and brain) are growing at such a rate that the kid transitioning into the teen-age phase could hardly cope up.  

So there I was in the bath tub with the shower on, scrubbing every inch of the rug, and thinking I ought to be more mindful of the whole thing.  I should just give up feeling resentful (while honoring the fact that I am feeling it and it is quite real to me) and recognise the fact that the kids at this stage would no way give up something they really love to do -- games, playing, watching (which are all undeniably pleasurable) -- in exchange for brushing the rug until it is free of dust; sweeping the dried leaves from the front yard or washing dishes for that matter.  After all in fairness, the children do have their chore assignments and more often than not, they do accomplish them.  Well, at times, they do take their time and I have to nag but unlike other kids, they are really helpful around the house.  They know their roles well.

Kuya, who does little of the chores around the house, does clean his room and do his laundry all by himself.  He folds his clothes though and keep the work station (that he uses often for classes and his games) tidy as well.  He makes sure the wires are neatly arranged and all that stuff.  The girls are heaven-sent too! Forest cleans the sala. She sometimes takes on Kuya's watering the plants task.  She would suddenly be struck with an inspiration and she would suddenly clean the fridge.  She cleans the bathrooms too! Ate Janin cooks and does her dish-washing bit.  She helps me in re-arranging the plants, even in carrying the heavy pots.  She hangs the clothes and bed sheets that I;ve washed.  I'm very grateful for the girls and I express that often.  

However that whole thing also is a source of consternation for me.  I hate the fact that the girls are doing most of the household chores and Kuya isn't.  I've been telling him repeatedly that even as a small child he already knows my stand on gender roles in the house.  He knows it well.  He knows that care work ought to be shared and SHOULD NOT in anyway be delegated to the females alone!  He knows it well too! I nag about it often enough.  But there he is, as unmovable as a stone.  In one or two of our conversations over the subject he was forthcoming in telling me that he DOES know.  Only, he is really just being lazy.  Just this afternoon while I was arranging all the unwashed stuff by the sink, I was telling him to go help with the washing.  Ate and Forest are in Mama Fely's house because they have classes and we did not have internet.  I told him, there is no way I am raising an @$$h0l3 who thinks that household chores should only be done by the women and girls alone.  I've had had my little reflection a bit earlier though while in the tub and scrubbing the rug and so I was being less of a nag about it.  Still.

So yes, there I was in the tub, brush was set aside and washing the soap off the rug, having a eureka moment. (Very much like Archimedes' bath tub moment hehehe).  I told myself if I was upset at having Mama nag me when I was a teenager over the household chores, I should perhaps try a different approach with the kiddos.  Nagging would no way win them over.  I told myself, I should perhaps don't delegate the chores I want done but hate doing myself like washing that rug for instance.  At the same time, I don't force myself to do them and then be very resentful about it; and of the fact that I do all the chores while they sit and watch TV.  I should then wait till I am in the mood and have the energy to do it myself; honor those moments when I'm too tired or has too much to do at work and just beg off the chores altogether.  It would be very difficult I know but I could always try and be more mindful about it.  That way, when I was finally doing the task, I'm happy about it and the kids get to see that.  Perhaps, instead of nagging them too, I can tell them that when they're ready to do it, they can also help address long-standing tasks around the house like trimming the grass and whatnots.  After all, they are mindful of their assigned chores.  I should give them credit too where credit is due.  

Ahhh... mindful parenting is not easy.  While this may sound like a cliche, love always finds a way.

Found

 Thank you for finding me today, Lord.  I've been floundering these past few days (year since Mama took her wings?) and I wasn't even aware.  All I knew is that I would be in the middle of work, glued to my computer and then I would feel the urge to just flit off and take a drive.  It doesn't even matter where as long as I'm out and about.  If not that, I would check out every ad or so and cart almost everything away...

Now, while working ,You just found me.  You spoke to me through a video I was watching.  It wasn't even what I wanted to check out. Just felt the urge to open it.  Suddenly there You were...

It's been a while, Lord since I really found the time to be quiet and listen to my heart.  I am tired.  I knew this all along. I'm also well aware that I'm near burn out. It's not just work really. It's almost everything.  I just felt that if you're so capable about everything, the people around you tend to take it for granted that you can carry their burden too.  Well, maybe I do. Out of my desire to be of service, I do take on some burden.  And because I want things to be a certain way, I go out of my way to do things on my own.  I am so used to being 'reliable' and 'capable.' that I have not learned to 'rely' on other people.  It's not my nature to go asking for help or assistance.  I never wanted to be a burden so I take on everything.  To be honest, for some of this, I even do it happily.  I'm happy to be of help, to have had the chance to contribute.  

I wasn't aware how taxing that is... to my well-being, my mental health and yes, even physically.  I am tired, Lord.  And I knew that I don't have to be explicit about the things that truly make me tired coz you know my heart.  You've known all along even when I wasn't even aware...

I lift everything up to you, Lord.  I cannot do things all on my own. I can't continue doing so.  You know the desires of my heart and what my longings are.  

Resentment.  I sure am in that stage now, Lord. I never thought I would come to that point but here I am.  I am too caught up thinking about what others need that I forgot to think about what 'I' need.  I am so busy anticipating what would be expected of me that I have forgotten to ask myself what do I really want?  I was so busy chasing after other's comfort and security that I forgot about my own.  

I just want to feel that my needs are anticipated too.  I am running on empty.  Please fill my love cup so I can again go and fill the others' cup joyfully.  

Mama

 It always amazes me how busy I get around the time of your birthday and anniversary. Like I am barely awake now having worked  all of yesterday till wee hours. I barely had the time to think about anything else. 

Almost missed the early morning Mass for you and was two hours late for our padasal this afternoon. I arrived at 'your place' wearing a blouse inside out.  It was straight from the computer, to grabbing that blouse, urging the kids and off to the car kind of thing. 

Is that your way of making sure I don't think much about you, Mama? 

Yesterday I cried in a middle of navigating a tricky skip logic in the tool (it was easy really but I just remembered you and missed you a lot). The good thing that came out of it was that Rod came to me, tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was okay. His angstsy, teen-age journey had somehow eased a bit of his clingy, touchy tendencies with me and his Tatay. So that touch on the shoulder and asking me how I was, was a gift in itself. I quietly told him, "I miss Lola." He stood there for a while, letting me feel he understood and felt the same way.

Oh, I remembered our silly fights as well, Mama.  Me, expressing my displeasure at your preoccupation with a particular afternoon telenovela.  Forest would watch with you at times  when she wakes up from her afternoon nap.  And we all know TV for her is a no-no. That is why we never upgraded our TV then. It wasn't a priority. But we love you and wanted to give what makes you happy so we kept that TV in the little room upstairs.  

Little did I know that one of Forest's most treasured moments with you were those afternoons.  Last week, she told me how funny it was to watch you rush downstairs to prepare her afternnon merienda and then rush right back up because you did not want to miss a single scene.  She was narrating how you would both race up the stairs, laughing and sit on the floor to continue watching.  You would watch the TV programme but she would watch you with fascination (and love, I could imagine). 

Now, I regret having made so much fuss about that. I could have told you to go watch all the telenovelas you like had I known you'd leave us so soon. I miss you, Mama but I know you are in a much better place. I feel that much of the relative 'ease' I'm enjoying amidst all these uncertainties could be partly because you are 'lawyering' up for us up there.  I could almost picture you hustling. Rest easy in God's loving embrace.

Bread

     We will Rise!

As we gather ‘round the table,

At the banquet of our King,
We lay down upon your altar
all our hungers deep within.
You may take all that we give.
Use our every strength or weakness
so that all the world may live.
When we eat this bread and in You believe,
We become Whom we receive.
And from death and strife, we will rise!
Fill us now with love and grace,
As we strive to be Your presence
That Your life we may embrace.
To reflect Your life and worth:
Make us all Your sons and daughters,
One in faith in You, O Lord. REFRAIN
We will rise!
Not death, not life, none on earth or above
Will ever separate us from your love!
In the breaking of the bread:
Pledge of future hope and glory,
Of our rising from the dead. REFRAIN
We will rise!

This song tugged at me while hearing Mass.  For some reason, I resonated with it and made me think about my work.  I had a skype call for the evaluation I was doing that overlapped with the Mass but I asked if I could move the call 30 minutes later, which was just perfect.  Happily, I was obliged. So right after the Mass,I proceeded with the call.

God's perfect timing really... The song was about bread.... being bread for others... and while I sat there with my set of questions, the 2 reps of the ESFVL Team we have in Syria described to me in detail the different challenges they had to contend with while implementing the project. Now, Syria is without question, one of the most challenging context there is.  Then you have the onset of Covid-19.  

When this was related to me -- "Women had to walk for miles, leaving children behind and unaccompanied at home, so they could get bread from the "nearest" town that has bakery," I felt the tears sting. But there were 20 other questions that I needed to ask so, I had to reign in my emotions.  

When the call ended, the tears did flow. I'm grateful for the teams and volunteers working closely on the ground, really. The challenges as they described them to me -- all happening towards the end of the project, during Ramadhan, with the distribution having to take place during the Eid Holidays -- all seemed insurmountable.  But they managed it just fine. Surprisingly, and also in a way, not that quite surprising really.  

I've always counted myself lucky, to be in an organisation where I get to meet very dedicated individuals who work long hours without complaints.  Smiling, joking around in the vehicle after waking up so early to manage a distribution under 50 degree heat for hours, without breakfast or lunch (not to mention the weeks and days of preparation that had to be done), is such a common sight. Exhausted definitely but you would see everyone smiling, talking about gorging on food while going back to the office...   Amazing, amazing women and men.  So gratefully to have come across them even in the most difficult and complex situations. 

I've said this countless of times and I'll say it again. I am grateful to be having this job. No matter the long hours and brain-wracking, heart-wrenching moments not that far in between.  I am privileged and everyday, the thought of it humbles me no end. It drives me to work even harder and to give myself even more into the work that I'm doing. I am in this thing wholly -- brain, heart, emotions, body, limbs, sweat, tears, happy smiles...  Thank you, God!