Last night, we had a "practice session" on our "Lamaze Exercises" at home. Actually, I was too tired to do anything much but I had quite a strict "coach/partner" who sees to it that I do my assignments... When I would execute an exercise incorrectly, Bolo would frown and show me how it's supposed to be done! Huh! So there definitely was no cheating with him around... He's probably thinking, I insisted about taking the class so we'd better make good use of what we're learning from it... Which is actually a sound decision, considering I had to "beg" (err... coerce is more like it hehehe...) him so that he'd agree about our taking the class...
The exercises actually are quite easy to do but with my growing tummy and my being tired these days, a simple stretching exercise could have me sweating even before I fully execute it... Sigh... I can't help but think of the days when doing stretching exercises during our nightly runs, hardly requires any effort from me...
Anyway, despite the "discomfort" and some "inconveniences" this pregnancy has given me, I know I wouldn't trade this pregnancy for anything. What happened last night was one of those moments that really made me appreciate going through this particular experience.
As usual, I was just about to doze off when Little B started again with his... errr... nightly "performance" :) It's actually one of the things I look forward to at night. My tummy would rise and fall as Little B would go through his "sommersault routine" hehe. It amuses me to see this everytime, with my whole tummy "waving" in tune with my little one's movements.
Everytime this happens, I would take Bolo's hand and place it on my tummy so he could also feel the whole thing... The funny thing is, the movement would stop everytime. So Bolo would usually just feel a slight movement. Last night was different, however. It seems to me that our little one has finally decided to "show off" to his Tatay :)
As I placed Bolo's hand over my tummy, Little B's movements became more pronounced. He seems to be tromping all over the place :) Bolo then gave out a delighted and surprised yelp. It was like music to my ears hehehe. I know he was enjoying the whole experience. And I was right there along with him... I was glad for his sake... I know he was very much delighted by what is taking place and I was really happy for him...
Ah... what they're saying is true - the best things in life are free :)
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
On Spirituality
“Religion is a guy in church thinking about fishing. Spirituality is a guy out fishing thinking about God.”
Read this in today's devotional and I'm struck by it... I know it does not quite justify my not being that "religious" in going to church lately, unlike before where i don't usually let a day pass without attending mass... but I find comfort in the above phrase... God knows where my heart lays and what my longings are...
These days are tough. Everyone I know - including myself - seems to be short of cash these days. There's just too many bills to pay and the cost of everything just seems to have ballooned overnight. But everyday, we get by. With His help, we do manage to settle our obligations and meet our needs. Truly, He sustains us unconditionally. Just as He had promised... And I cling to this promise everyday... He is after all, the good provider... And he never fails, everytime... Thank you Father God.
Read this in today's devotional and I'm struck by it... I know it does not quite justify my not being that "religious" in going to church lately, unlike before where i don't usually let a day pass without attending mass... but I find comfort in the above phrase... God knows where my heart lays and what my longings are...
These days are tough. Everyone I know - including myself - seems to be short of cash these days. There's just too many bills to pay and the cost of everything just seems to have ballooned overnight. But everyday, we get by. With His help, we do manage to settle our obligations and meet our needs. Truly, He sustains us unconditionally. Just as He had promised... And I cling to this promise everyday... He is after all, the good provider... And he never fails, everytime... Thank you Father God.
Monday, October 10, 2005
The Other Side of the Coin
We had a spat. That is nothing new, actually. After all, our three-year relationship as “sweethearts” was marked by our constant quarrelling. While it’s obvious that we care so much for each other, there were differences that we could not really escape from. Differences that had often been the root of our constant bickering… Perhaps, if it had not been for the love, we must have broken up a long time ago… And yet here we are, married and all…
Even during our engagement, there were fights that came close to calling everything off… So I guess it’s easier to understand the fighting now… Especially now, when we’re living under the same roof… There’s bound to be some disagreements over preferences…
Come to think of it, living with Bolo is no different from being with him then. We had always been “truthful” to each other. In the course of our relationship, our “pa-cute” stage had only been very short. Bolo had always been the type of person who does not bother about any form of pretense. With him, what you see is what you get.
In the course of our relationship, I’ve seen the good and the worst side of Bolo. When he’s angry, he’s really angry and he says what he feels outright. No frills and sugar-coating with him. If he thinks you suck, he’ll tell you outright that you do. I don’t think he would be the type of guy who would break up with you and say, “It’s not you really, it’s me…” Yeah right! That kind of bullshit. With Bolo, there is no bullshitting. He is that “cruel” hehehe He had often hurt me in the past because of this attitude of his. But it is something that I appreciate about him too. At least, with him, I always know where I stand. It made it easier for me to be myself with him too, to express what I’m really feeling…
But there were times too when he is totally unreasonable. Times when in the course of his anger he would utter words that are uncalled for. It is at these times when he could hurt me so. Times when I would also often lash back. Usually, when he is at the height of his anger, I would just keep quiet. Not in a cowering, meek way though. Quiet in a watchful, defiant way. I usually would just bid my time. Let him steam off. I see no sense in meeting his temper head on. For sure, doing so would only lead to uglier things. So I would often just keep quiet. When he had finally said his piece and when I sense he’s no longer in a temper, that’s when I would point out to him what he did wrong too, etc. etc.
The other side of the coin… While there is no doubt that I regard Bolo as a beautiful person – how else would I fall in love with him in the first place and even consider sharing a life with him – there are also some aspects of him that are sometimes not that easy to accept or swallow. The “childlikeness” I love so much about him has another side to it too and that is his tendency to be childish. While it is so easy to love the Bolo who delights in the simplest of things, whose joy and enthusiasm is boundless, it is often difficult for me to deal with a Bolo who is stubborn, and sees things his way only. The times when he is being childish, that’s when I find it difficult to appreciate his person he-he-he I guess it’s understandable really. And our recent fight made me realize that while I find him beautiful enough to marry him, there would be times when he would be “unbeautiful,” and would prove difficult to deal with… Oh well, I guess I’ve always known that. It’s just that living under the same roof made the realities more glaring somewhat…
Beautifully flawed and scarred… That’s how Jeni, my best friend, calls us both when I get to talk to her about our recent “misunderstanding.” And we are definitely that. Both he and I have brought into our union some “ghosts” we had to contend with since childhood. As such, they really are not that easy to shake off… Time and again old issues would resurface in our dealings with one another. Like in his case, in having to say some uncalled for words… Everytime he does that and I get hurt in the process, I know it really is just one of his ghosts talking. Realizing that made me understand him and the situation better. But understanding does not mean though that I just accept everything he dishes at me even when they’re totally uncalled for or worse – not true at all…
I’m awake enough and have learned enough to know that all those labels that people pin down on us whether in anger or in their ignorance are not necessarily true. There was a time in my youth when I used to believe that they are true, especially when you hear them often enough. But since then, I have learned my lesson, learned to love myself more to know that I am not always what people think of me. So everytime he does that, I often would lash back. I’d tell him not to call me this or that since they are not true. Most of the time when I would do that, he would stop himself and keep quiet. Probably realizing too that I was right and that what he’s saying is totally uncalled for. That’s usually when he would start to mellow down, begin to reason with me… That’s when the discussion would begin.
During our conversation, I told Jeni that everytime Bolo and I fight, it is inevitable that tempers would rise and in the process we hurt each other by the things being said. Still, in the end all is well since it is obvious that we also make the effort to “fork” our way through the words that were said, pick up those issues that were valid and to learn from them. Having sifted through the words, we would realize where the other one is coming from, what his views and issues were. That’s when the understanding follows and the real “meeting half-way” begins. Often, it is not an easy process but we are getting there. In the end, it’s all about the love really. As I said, the personal ghosts we had to contend with had been with us since childhood. They are not that easy to shake off. That is why “relating” to each other would sometimes prove to be a “struggle.” While not always, there would be times when our differences would come into play and would often boil down to a conflict. And everytime that they do, it makes the relationship less “beautiful” and difficult to handle. This is where the commitment comes in – the commitment to stay despite all that and to work things out somewhat. It’s not always easy to “fork” through the “angry” words that were said during a fight. More often than not, it’s the “hurt” borne out of these words that lingers and not the issues that are being aired. That is why it is not always easy to be more “objective” than “subjective.” It’s a lot easier to “nurse” the hurt than to face the issues head on. But then again, which is more important?
Ah, being married is not a bed of roses alright. I’m learning that everyday. But guess what? I’m enjoying every bit of the ride as of the moment, even when the ride would prove bumpy and difficult. Know why? Because I get to learn a lot in the process. I get to learn more about me, about life, about being married… I also get to know more fully the person whom I chose to share my life with… and I get to grow in the process… getting me closer to the unfolding of my own truth… What could be more fulfilling than that?
Even during our engagement, there were fights that came close to calling everything off… So I guess it’s easier to understand the fighting now… Especially now, when we’re living under the same roof… There’s bound to be some disagreements over preferences…
Come to think of it, living with Bolo is no different from being with him then. We had always been “truthful” to each other. In the course of our relationship, our “pa-cute” stage had only been very short. Bolo had always been the type of person who does not bother about any form of pretense. With him, what you see is what you get.
In the course of our relationship, I’ve seen the good and the worst side of Bolo. When he’s angry, he’s really angry and he says what he feels outright. No frills and sugar-coating with him. If he thinks you suck, he’ll tell you outright that you do. I don’t think he would be the type of guy who would break up with you and say, “It’s not you really, it’s me…” Yeah right! That kind of bullshit. With Bolo, there is no bullshitting. He is that “cruel” hehehe He had often hurt me in the past because of this attitude of his. But it is something that I appreciate about him too. At least, with him, I always know where I stand. It made it easier for me to be myself with him too, to express what I’m really feeling…
But there were times too when he is totally unreasonable. Times when in the course of his anger he would utter words that are uncalled for. It is at these times when he could hurt me so. Times when I would also often lash back. Usually, when he is at the height of his anger, I would just keep quiet. Not in a cowering, meek way though. Quiet in a watchful, defiant way. I usually would just bid my time. Let him steam off. I see no sense in meeting his temper head on. For sure, doing so would only lead to uglier things. So I would often just keep quiet. When he had finally said his piece and when I sense he’s no longer in a temper, that’s when I would point out to him what he did wrong too, etc. etc.
The other side of the coin… While there is no doubt that I regard Bolo as a beautiful person – how else would I fall in love with him in the first place and even consider sharing a life with him – there are also some aspects of him that are sometimes not that easy to accept or swallow. The “childlikeness” I love so much about him has another side to it too and that is his tendency to be childish. While it is so easy to love the Bolo who delights in the simplest of things, whose joy and enthusiasm is boundless, it is often difficult for me to deal with a Bolo who is stubborn, and sees things his way only. The times when he is being childish, that’s when I find it difficult to appreciate his person he-he-he I guess it’s understandable really. And our recent fight made me realize that while I find him beautiful enough to marry him, there would be times when he would be “unbeautiful,” and would prove difficult to deal with… Oh well, I guess I’ve always known that. It’s just that living under the same roof made the realities more glaring somewhat…
Beautifully flawed and scarred… That’s how Jeni, my best friend, calls us both when I get to talk to her about our recent “misunderstanding.” And we are definitely that. Both he and I have brought into our union some “ghosts” we had to contend with since childhood. As such, they really are not that easy to shake off… Time and again old issues would resurface in our dealings with one another. Like in his case, in having to say some uncalled for words… Everytime he does that and I get hurt in the process, I know it really is just one of his ghosts talking. Realizing that made me understand him and the situation better. But understanding does not mean though that I just accept everything he dishes at me even when they’re totally uncalled for or worse – not true at all…
I’m awake enough and have learned enough to know that all those labels that people pin down on us whether in anger or in their ignorance are not necessarily true. There was a time in my youth when I used to believe that they are true, especially when you hear them often enough. But since then, I have learned my lesson, learned to love myself more to know that I am not always what people think of me. So everytime he does that, I often would lash back. I’d tell him not to call me this or that since they are not true. Most of the time when I would do that, he would stop himself and keep quiet. Probably realizing too that I was right and that what he’s saying is totally uncalled for. That’s usually when he would start to mellow down, begin to reason with me… That’s when the discussion would begin.
During our conversation, I told Jeni that everytime Bolo and I fight, it is inevitable that tempers would rise and in the process we hurt each other by the things being said. Still, in the end all is well since it is obvious that we also make the effort to “fork” our way through the words that were said, pick up those issues that were valid and to learn from them. Having sifted through the words, we would realize where the other one is coming from, what his views and issues were. That’s when the understanding follows and the real “meeting half-way” begins. Often, it is not an easy process but we are getting there. In the end, it’s all about the love really. As I said, the personal ghosts we had to contend with had been with us since childhood. They are not that easy to shake off. That is why “relating” to each other would sometimes prove to be a “struggle.” While not always, there would be times when our differences would come into play and would often boil down to a conflict. And everytime that they do, it makes the relationship less “beautiful” and difficult to handle. This is where the commitment comes in – the commitment to stay despite all that and to work things out somewhat. It’s not always easy to “fork” through the “angry” words that were said during a fight. More often than not, it’s the “hurt” borne out of these words that lingers and not the issues that are being aired. That is why it is not always easy to be more “objective” than “subjective.” It’s a lot easier to “nurse” the hurt than to face the issues head on. But then again, which is more important?
Ah, being married is not a bed of roses alright. I’m learning that everyday. But guess what? I’m enjoying every bit of the ride as of the moment, even when the ride would prove bumpy and difficult. Know why? Because I get to learn a lot in the process. I get to learn more about me, about life, about being married… I also get to know more fully the person whom I chose to share my life with… and I get to grow in the process… getting me closer to the unfolding of my own truth… What could be more fulfilling than that?
Monday, October 03, 2005
Morning Bliss
Opened an eye and then two
Looked up to the heavens
Whispered my gratitude for another day,
Another blessing…
Then I turned to look at you
Still sleeping peacefully at my side
Stifled an impulse to reach out
But you stirred anyway
Turning to me with those sleepy eyes,
You do the reaching out
Engaged me in a hug,
Starting the ritual…
Whispered good mornings,
Exchange of smiles,
Then the quiet conversation begins…
Hmm… nothing quiet about the exchange of words but with the contentment those morning conversations bring, the word “quiet” comes to mind… For there is definitely that sense of calmness, of stillness… as if everything is aligned and well…
This morning, I prayed for the two of us. I said it in Visayan for his benefit. I was surprised at being able to express what I intended quite well. For someone with an English-tutored mind and whose medium of expression had always been in English, that was indeed quite a feat. And I told him so. I told him that with him, I learned to do just that. Then he countered by saying that with me, he had learned how to love… That rocked me to my very core. Even now as I sit here, I still get very much affected, remembering that little exchange… And now, the ability to truly express what I feel escapes me… But gratitude definitely is one of the things I’m feeling at the moment. Gratitude for life and the many blessings it holds…
Looked up to the heavens
Whispered my gratitude for another day,
Another blessing…
Then I turned to look at you
Still sleeping peacefully at my side
Stifled an impulse to reach out
But you stirred anyway
Turning to me with those sleepy eyes,
You do the reaching out
Engaged me in a hug,
Starting the ritual…
Whispered good mornings,
Exchange of smiles,
Then the quiet conversation begins…
Hmm… nothing quiet about the exchange of words but with the contentment those morning conversations bring, the word “quiet” comes to mind… For there is definitely that sense of calmness, of stillness… as if everything is aligned and well…
This morning, I prayed for the two of us. I said it in Visayan for his benefit. I was surprised at being able to express what I intended quite well. For someone with an English-tutored mind and whose medium of expression had always been in English, that was indeed quite a feat. And I told him so. I told him that with him, I learned to do just that. Then he countered by saying that with me, he had learned how to love… That rocked me to my very core. Even now as I sit here, I still get very much affected, remembering that little exchange… And now, the ability to truly express what I feel escapes me… But gratitude definitely is one of the things I’m feeling at the moment. Gratitude for life and the many blessings it holds…
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