The Other Side of the Coin

We had a spat. That is nothing new, actually. After all, our three-year relationship as “sweethearts” was marked by our constant quarrelling. While it’s obvious that we care so much for each other, there were differences that we could not really escape from. Differences that had often been the root of our constant bickering… Perhaps, if it had not been for the love, we must have broken up a long time ago… And yet here we are, married and all…

Even during our engagement, there were fights that came close to calling everything off… So I guess it’s easier to understand the fighting now… Especially now, when we’re living under the same roof… There’s bound to be some disagreements over preferences…

Come to think of it, living with Bolo is no different from being with him then. We had always been “truthful” to each other. In the course of our relationship, our “pa-cute” stage had only been very short. Bolo had always been the type of person who does not bother about any form of pretense. With him, what you see is what you get.

In the course of our relationship, I’ve seen the good and the worst side of Bolo. When he’s angry, he’s really angry and he says what he feels outright. No frills and sugar-coating with him. If he thinks you suck, he’ll tell you outright that you do. I don’t think he would be the type of guy who would break up with you and say, “It’s not you really, it’s me…” Yeah right! That kind of bullshit. With Bolo, there is no bullshitting. He is that “cruel” hehehe He had often hurt me in the past because of this attitude of his. But it is something that I appreciate about him too. At least, with him, I always know where I stand. It made it easier for me to be myself with him too, to express what I’m really feeling…

But there were times too when he is totally unreasonable. Times when in the course of his anger he would utter words that are uncalled for. It is at these times when he could hurt me so. Times when I would also often lash back. Usually, when he is at the height of his anger, I would just keep quiet. Not in a cowering, meek way though. Quiet in a watchful, defiant way. I usually would just bid my time. Let him steam off. I see no sense in meeting his temper head on. For sure, doing so would only lead to uglier things. So I would often just keep quiet. When he had finally said his piece and when I sense he’s no longer in a temper, that’s when I would point out to him what he did wrong too, etc. etc.

The other side of the coin… While there is no doubt that I regard Bolo as a beautiful person – how else would I fall in love with him in the first place and even consider sharing a life with him – there are also some aspects of him that are sometimes not that easy to accept or swallow. The “childlikeness” I love so much about him has another side to it too and that is his tendency to be childish. While it is so easy to love the Bolo who delights in the simplest of things, whose joy and enthusiasm is boundless, it is often difficult for me to deal with a Bolo who is stubborn, and sees things his way only. The times when he is being childish, that’s when I find it difficult to appreciate his person he-he-he I guess it’s understandable really. And our recent fight made me realize that while I find him beautiful enough to marry him, there would be times when he would be “unbeautiful,” and would prove difficult to deal with… Oh well, I guess I’ve always known that. It’s just that living under the same roof made the realities more glaring somewhat…

Beautifully flawed and scarred… That’s how Jeni, my best friend, calls us both when I get to talk to her about our recent “misunderstanding.” And we are definitely that. Both he and I have brought into our union some “ghosts” we had to contend with since childhood. As such, they really are not that easy to shake off… Time and again old issues would resurface in our dealings with one another. Like in his case, in having to say some uncalled for words… Everytime he does that and I get hurt in the process, I know it really is just one of his ghosts talking. Realizing that made me understand him and the situation better. But understanding does not mean though that I just accept everything he dishes at me even when they’re totally uncalled for or worse – not true at all…

I’m awake enough and have learned enough to know that all those labels that people pin down on us whether in anger or in their ignorance are not necessarily true. There was a time in my youth when I used to believe that they are true, especially when you hear them often enough. But since then, I have learned my lesson, learned to love myself more to know that I am not always what people think of me. So everytime he does that, I often would lash back. I’d tell him not to call me this or that since they are not true. Most of the time when I would do that, he would stop himself and keep quiet. Probably realizing too that I was right and that what he’s saying is totally uncalled for. That’s usually when he would start to mellow down, begin to reason with me… That’s when the discussion would begin.

During our conversation, I told Jeni that everytime Bolo and I fight, it is inevitable that tempers would rise and in the process we hurt each other by the things being said. Still, in the end all is well since it is obvious that we also make the effort to “fork” our way through the words that were said, pick up those issues that were valid and to learn from them. Having sifted through the words, we would realize where the other one is coming from, what his views and issues were. That’s when the understanding follows and the real “meeting half-way” begins. Often, it is not an easy process but we are getting there. In the end, it’s all about the love really. As I said, the personal ghosts we had to contend with had been with us since childhood. They are not that easy to shake off. That is why “relating” to each other would sometimes prove to be a “struggle.” While not always, there would be times when our differences would come into play and would often boil down to a conflict. And everytime that they do, it makes the relationship less “beautiful” and difficult to handle. This is where the commitment comes in – the commitment to stay despite all that and to work things out somewhat. It’s not always easy to “fork” through the “angry” words that were said during a fight. More often than not, it’s the “hurt” borne out of these words that lingers and not the issues that are being aired. That is why it is not always easy to be more “objective” than “subjective.” It’s a lot easier to “nurse” the hurt than to face the issues head on. But then again, which is more important?

Ah, being married is not a bed of roses alright. I’m learning that everyday. But guess what? I’m enjoying every bit of the ride as of the moment, even when the ride would prove bumpy and difficult. Know why? Because I get to learn a lot in the process. I get to learn more about me, about life, about being married… I also get to know more fully the person whom I chose to share my life with… and I get to grow in the process… getting me closer to the unfolding of my own truth… What could be more fulfilling than that?