Permanence

Ah my heart is currently breaking into pieces. I just got off the phone. Talked to Mama who happens to be at home visiting baby before she goes to work. I asked her if she found baby crying when she arrived because it is the first time that I left him alone with the new yaya. She told me he was not crying but that he looked really, really sad and would not even go near her.

The picture broke my heart. I could see it in my mind so clearly because while I was dressing up and putting on shoes I already saw Baby looking at me so longingly. He wasn’t crying at all, begging to be picked up like he used to do the past few days that the new yaya is around

Argjh, it’s really a physical pain, I want to reach out so much to Baby, comfort him, assure him that his Nanay would always be there for him, that I would not forsake him…

I find it ironic that Baby had to learn the lesson of “impermanence” from strangers. Bolo and I have always been adamant about handling with care baby’s emotional needs. When he was merely an infant, we would drop everything that we’re doing to readily pick him up when he’s crying just so he would feel secure. We spent a good deal of money when I’m on a travel so that he could tag along and not be separated from me. And then now, just when he had attached himself to his first yaya, she left him. Came two new ones (since they’re supposed to be packaged deal, it’s a long story) whom he did not take to at all. He would cry until I, his tatay or lola would get him. So even with the yaya’s around, Bolo and I, including Mama, still took turn being absent from work so that he could have some semblance of security until he gets used to his yaya. And now, they would leave again on Sunday for a job in a Carenderia which they prefer over working at home. Maybe they really don’t have that aptitude for babies and maybe that is also why Baby does not like them at all because he sensed that. Ah, my poor Baby.

I really hate the fact that it had to take strangers to do this to him. I’m contemplating about resigning from work to be with Baby. I just hope I have enough “sidelines” like documentation work to help tide over the expenses we have at home. I can’t have Bolo working on his own. And I don’t think we could really afford it either if it would only be him. Arrggh…I’m going home in a little while.