Close To You

My head's actually throbbing right now but i'm feeling pretty content. I have just finished with that report I've been slaving over for the past three days. I actually had to wake up at 4 a.m. this morning just so I could get it over and done with. After accomplishing almost 1/3 of the report and feeling confident I could manage to finish the whole thing at the office, I saved the file in a diskette, took advantage of what's left of the dawn and dozed off a bit.

When I arrived at the office this morning, at exactly 5 minutes after I opened my computer, an officemate quite nicely managed to overwrite everything. As in everything. So I had to redo and rewrite everything, reducing my sacrifices this morning to nothing. I was half-tempted to go home and retrieve my file. I considered calling B at home and have him dictate to me the whole thing but that would be like waiting forever till he manage to retrieve it, if ever he would. He totally hates messing with my files. Thankfully, all of that is behind me now. Right now, I'm taking a bit of a breather from technical writing to do this instead...

Hmm... a lot had happened the past weeks but I had never really gotten around to writing about them as I was busy meeting deadlines. For starters, about two weeks ago, B and I finally managed to watch a movie together. That would be like after almost a year of not being able to. The last movie we watched had been, "A Very Long Engagement." It was an interesting movie and we sure had lots of fun watching it. I had no idea that it would also take a "loooong" time before we'd manage to watch one again.

B had been consistent about taking his Saturdays off. That would be his time for himself, to spend as he pleases - be it with friends or taking care of his business in Tagum. My "days off" are supposed to be the whole work week. He encourages me to linger out a bit after office hours so I could have some time for myself. But that would be like impossible since I had to consistently hurry home in order to nurse baby on time. Either that or I'm too beat at the end of work that I'd rather be home resting than elsewhere. So on that particular Tuesday night, I was deadset about watching a movie.

We are not exactly "single" sweethearts anymore so we could not flit and go as we pleased. I had to express some milk to make sure baby won't be left hungry should we not make it in time for his next feeding, etc., etc. We actually had to race for time. With that in mind, it was almost impossible to express enough milk for one feeding. I don't know what it is with ... err... "bossoms" hehehe They simply do not "yield" just when you're in a hurry to express some milk. But when you're in no hurry at all? You'd be surprised at how much you can come up with. Anyway, when I could not come up with a "substantial" amount of milk, B readily declared to cancel the date. That drew dagger-looks from me. I was about to launch into a lengthy dialogue about why it should be easy for him to take a day off and difficult for me (of course it's because I'm breastfeeding!) when he immediately appeased me and said that there will be no cancelling. Thankfully, the "bossoms" finally cooperated and off we went.

We watched, "Close To You," as baduy as that may sound hehehe The other choice would have been, "Brokeback Mountain" but in truth, it was just the break I'm looking for. I wanted something light that we both could relax in. It turned out to be a good choice since it was worth seeing him being giggly while watching some "kilig" scenes. It totally surprised and amused me. All the while I was thinking he would find the whole thing boring. We are after all way past the "courting" age to appreciate such a movie. We also appreciated the "travelling" part of the movie. It reminded us of the good old days. Our relationship, after all, had been built on all those travels we had had.

We made it in time for the "just-before-the-last-full-show" screening which is a good thing since it meant we'll be home early. When we entered the cinema, Bolo teased me. He told me that now that we're already married and are no longer sweethearts, we could sit far apart from each other. I took it to heart. So while we are seated side by side, I shrank to the farthest side of my seat to avoid leaning towards him. Thirty minutes into the picture, he surprised and made me laugh when he turned to me and said, "Hug-hug naman tayo B." That remark sure got the better of me. I almost laughed out loud from sheer mirth.

It's funny really if one considers it. When you're still sweethearts, it would seem that you could not get enough of each other even though you see each other everyday. It would seem that you're always running out of time. Often, this leads to the decision of marriage. You just want to spend most of your days with this significant other. And so you get married. Ironically, when you're finally married, some of that magic seem to die down. Funny.

I'm not saying that Bolo and I changed overnight. Oh we are still "sweet" to each other. We still enjoy intimate conversations with each other. And we still show our care for each other. It's just that the "urgency" we felt before is no longer there. In the past, everytime he would fetch me from the office to accompany me home, we would hate the thought of having to part again later. The thought of always having to part at the end of the day lends some "poignancy" to the relationship. The "could-not-get-enough-of-each-other" urgency is something that was always hanging over our heads. That is why it was understandable also how we would "delight" in the littlest of excuse to be physically in-touched with each other then, like holding hands and all that mushy stuff.

Marriage erases that particular element. Should we want to be physically in touched with each other, we would only have to turn and face the other, stretch out our hand and viola! It's that easy. Everywhere you turn, the other is sure to be there. Still, a part of me wants to argue. I am remembering those moments when B would turn to me in the morning, snuggle to me and say, "Ahh... this is what's good about being married..."

I'm suddenly realizing, I am already married! hehehe Like it has not quite sunk in yet, huh? :) It seems only yesterday when Bolo and I are still sweethearts and delighting in what we're feeling towards each other. Sweet and poignant, fiery and exciting. That was how our relationship as sweethearts had been. Most of the time it was fun and exciting as we share the same passion for travel and adventure. It was also both sweet and poignant because of the "uncertainty" that plagued the beginning of our relationship. For now, some of that has changed a bit. And I'm realisitic enough to know that it'll continue to change years down the line.

Hmm... I'm remembering a particular moment we shared the other night. He asked me to accompany him in washing the dishes. It was almost midnight and he feels insecure about lingering in the kitchen on his own. I was already sleepy so I asked him if it's alright if I lean on him from behind so I could sort of "doze off" while he's washing the dishes. I could have just sat there. But maybe I was making an excuse to be close to him as it had been quite a long day. Each of us were swallowed by our individual concerns that day that we rarely had time for the other. The leaning-hugging-bit was an excuse to "reconnect." I was glad when he obliged me. Half-way through I asked him if he does not think me a bother. He replied not. Then I pointed out this is not a bother yet since we're still "newly" married. I said that years down the line being "so close" would begin to become less exciting. He replied matter of factly that we would have to find ways to make it exciting. He said maybe there would be days when we would "disappear" from each other. I told him that won't be too difficult since both our jobs often take us travelling... Then we just left it at that. We just continued enjoying the moment, quietly "reconnecting," finding each other again after racing about our individual concerns that day.

Our day does not usually end that way -- by "reconnecting." There are also days when it would end with me giving him dagger-looks, as if to say we'll continue arguing in the morning as we are both sleepy already... Or him turning away from me indicating that he'd rather sleep than argue with me, hehehe. But often, Bolo and I still enjoy the same "closeness" that we had as sweethearts. And I'm both thankful and "mindful" of that everyday.

Travelling Mom Leaving Mt. Matutum

I'm feeling really lethargic at the moment. Real sleepy too. Gone on travel again yesterday for work. We left Davao at 11 in the morning and arrived here again last night at 11 in the evening. I was again in Tupi for the project I'm wrapping up there... And we finished quite late so add that to 4 hours travel back home, it's no wonder we got back to the city late as well. And I had to fetch baby and B from the in-laws. That's where they stayed while I was on travel.

We arrived home at around midnight then there's cleaning up the pump and the bottles to do. My...err...breasts... were so swollen on the ride back home that I was not able to sleep while we were travelling. I did manage to express some milk while on the road though (I'm getting good at it hehehe) But it wasn't enough to relieve me of the sworeness. Both weighed so heavily that at one point I had a hard time breathing... Haaay.

Breastfeeding. Well, it really takes commitment to continue breastfeeding after returning to work. But I'm truly deadset about it. I would find myself often rushing back home no matter where on earth I came from, just so I could continue breastfeeding baby. It's not always easy though. But, I want nothing but the best for my son. I guess that's how mothers really are. Been reading up on the subject ever since I conceived and every literature there is only tell me one thing -- there is nothing like Mom's milk. The benefits are enormous and the inconvenience one has to bear is nothing compared to it. So I'm sticking with it as long as I can :)

But back to work... Below is a picture I've taken during the travel I've mentioned above.

Leaving Mt. Matutum. I was about to board our vehicle when this particular view caught my attention and took my breath away.

I'm currently wrapping up a project I have with the upland farmers in Mt. Matutum. Actually, it's already the second phase I'm wrapping up so for like two years, I have been frequenting the slopes of this great mountain. During the first year, there were times when I had to spend days and nights in her midst.

Even before my involvement with the project, I have already been to Matutum for the 7th Mindanao Forum, a mountaineering activity. The activity had us practically trampling all over the foot and midst of Mt. Matutum but did not have the chance to scale her peak. I had thought that with the project, I'd finally have my chance. But then again, while I was there, she was close for a while due to some "insurgency" concerns and then later on I had gotten married and then gotten pregnant. Now, the possibility seems a bit remote. Maybe when baby is a bit older already...

The project had been quite a headache to me for a number of reasons and now that it is about to end I'm like heaving a sigh of relief. What I'm feeling now I could compare to what I usually feel when I'm on a climb, particularly when I'm on the last stretch - that bit when the peak is already close at hand and yet seems so far away because you're down to your last ounce of energy. In truth, I could not wait to end the project. It had caused me several problems. But a part of me is sad about leaving the area and the people there. Well, at least "some" people he-he-he.

Just as I treat every experience, my involvement with the project had been a goldmine of learning for me. And yet I also know that I would always look at the experience as something that had not been entirely pleasant. But it did taught me a great deal about what we do in our work and how we "affect" the people who are supposed to be the "beneficiaries" (the politically correct term should be "partners) of our project. Hmm... make that how these people "affect" us who are implementing projects in their community.

Ahh... I could go on and on about this subject -- the relationship between project partners and implementers but as of the moment, I'm still feeling so raw about the whole thing that I want to rest my mind for a while before I write about it.

Life is beautiful. With it comes beautiful experiences. They might not be often pleasant but these experiences are beautiful just the same. If only for the beautiful people you came to meet in the process...

For now, I'm leaving Mt. Matutum but I'm pretty sure I'll find myself in her midst again one day. Perhaps with my little one in tow...

Fireworks

March 11, 2006
12:55 AM
Our Room

Bolo just drove away and I’m left with Baby here who also seems to miss his Tatay since he’s having a hard time settling down. B lingered quite a bit when he passed right in front of the terrace, rolled his window down and repeatedly waved goodbye at baby. Baby had woken up and so I carried him with me to wave his tatay off. I could sense B’s hesitation. He had already expressed his misgivings at having to leave again instead of just going to sleep with us. But he still has lots of things to do.

There’s an ongoing “Outdoor Week” in the city and tomorrow (make that today considering the time), being a weekend, is going to be its culmination. There are lots of activities going on. For starters, there’s going to be an early kayak race a few hours from now and I heard from Bolo that they had quite a show last night involving some stunts with the crocodiles. (The venue for the activity is centered at the city’s Crocodile Park.)

I feel quite rueful at having to miss all of it. B had been encouraging when I expressed the desire to tag along but I have reports to finish in time for an early travel on Monday. Plus, Ate, my dear cousin-cum-sister-I-never-had and the kids are arriving this afternoon after having been gone for two years. They’ll be staying for a little less than two months before going back to UK. As it is, there are still lots of cleaning up to do around the house as the bedrooms are not even made up yet. B however cheered me up a bit when he mentioned catching up on the outdoor week activities later tonight. He told me I could bring the kids along. That would really be something to look forward to.

After dinner earlier, I watched Pinoy Big Brother to while the time away while I waited for B to come home. One of the housemates – Bea – turned out to be celebrating her birthday today. And as a surprise, her boyfriend decided to set up some fireworks outside of the Big Brother House. The fireworks went with a little sign that says, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE.” The whole scene had melted my heart right through. I was like saying to myself, “Aw… so sweet… I wish something like that would be done for me too…” And then it dawned on me, those little gestures that Bolo does for me untiringly are his fireworks for me. Every time he brings me milk in the morning, sees to it I eat my breakfast and have enough “baon” for lunch... All of these things are Bolo’s way of setting up his fireworks for me… Thank you B.

"Fotherhood"

I had to go home in a hurry this morning since B informed me that the milk I’ve left for baby seemed to be sour already. It was expressed last Friday while I was on travel. Since I was home from Saturday to Monday, I was able to nurse baby by myself so we just stored the expressed milk for today. Expressed milk is supposed to last up to 7 days when refrigerated. Obviously, something must have gone wrong – contaminated bottles (which was likely since I did express the milk while I was on travel and not at home where I get the bottle straight from the sterilizer), not storing it well (I had kept the milk in a cooler while I was on the road which could have not been enough considering it took me almost 4 hours to get home), etc.

Anyway, when I got home this morning, I immediately fed baby. My Mom who happens to be there reproached me for getting the baby hungry by my insistence to feed him purely on breast milk. The discussion leaned towards our having to resort to mix feeding. For a while, I relented. So B and I both figured out the directions indicated at the back of the milk’s tin can. We bought a can of formula a week before I was due to return to work, in-case we might have to resort to mix feeding. Thank God we haven’t resorted to that yet! Perhaps for now :( Heaven forbid!

Being pesco-vegetarian ourselves, we opted to have a soya-based formula for baby. This, with the assurance from our pediatrician that it could meet baby’s nutritional needs as cow’s milk formula can. It was a little tricky trying to figure out the directions at the back of the tin. Instead of the usual 1:1 ratio (read: 1 scoop of milk for every 1 oz. of water), it said something like 1 scoop for every 60 ml of water. We understood that fine. The confusion came when we checked the chart for how much to feed baby vis-à-vis his current month-age. The chart jumped from 2 months to 4 months. That left us somewhat clueless as to how much to feed a 3-month old baby. We figured maybe somewhere in-between. Since we’re talking about our baby’s well-being here, we felt quite uncomfortable having to leave everything to guess work. So we opted to ask some close friends whom we know are bottle-feeding their babies. Bolo called up Vince, a close friend of his who also just recently became a father. The whole time they were talking, I was laughing silently. I really found the whole thing amusing. Well, it’s funny, here are two men who are supposed to be “macho” (read: very much into sports and outdoor activities and well, a “little” into womanizing in their “younger” days) swapping information on the basics of bottle-feeding he-he-he cute! :)

The fact that Bolo is very much hands-on when it comes of taking care of our baby is something that I’m truly grateful about. I thank God everyday for that. The fact alone that he obviously dotes on our baby is enough to make me happy but to see that he really takes an active part in taking care of him tops it all for me. Thank you B, for being such a good “fother” to our son.

On...err... Working

Taking a break from work. I've been staring on a project document for the longest time not quite knowing what to do with it. I'm supposed to edit it, check if it fits the TOR given to us by our client. This is just one of the things that needed to be done before I leave for Tupi, South Cotabato this friday. It's my first travel venture for months as I have not been travelling ever since I got advice from my OB not to.

I'm supposed to leave today but our project resource person could not make it since he's still in Oroquieta in Misamis Occidental. That would be like 15 hours or so of travel-time from here by land. I should know since that the last travel I did before I got "grounded." I see the delay as a good thing since there are still a lot of things that needed to be done for our on-site project activity.

Working. I really have a hard time working again. I have difficulty in "getting my grove back." And it's not helping at all to have baby smiling at me and then giving me that hopeful look everytime I get ready to leave for work every morning. Most of the time he's into a playful mood and it's almost a physical ache having to turn my back on him.

But I had to work. That person who thinks that her work help defines who she is, is still lurking around here somewhere. The same person who could not quite sit still until her deadlines are met and the outputs are satisfactorily given. I know I wouldn't also be at peace sitting at home knowing there are still a lot of things that had to be settled at work. As it is, I have to wrap up this project that is so long overdue already. And with that, I'd better get back to work.

To Love and To Hold

He looked at me and said he pitied me, thinking how I just sat there for several hours waiting till he got back from Mintal. He said because of him I had to endure all of it. He said it was his problem and yet there I was being dragged along in the process. Without waiting for me to say anything he concluded his soliloquy by looking at me absent-mindedly (but with obvious gratitude) and muttered, “Asawa nga kita. (You are my wife indeed) I have chosen well.”

His mother died last night. And it was only this morning that he knew. I had been at the office. I left my cell phone at home and so I texted him via chikka. I told him to check my phone for important messages and that I would be going home shortly in time to nurse baby. He replied that I would have to get home early since his “real” mom died and that he’s going to where she is. I read the message thrice, still its meaning hardly registered. My mind seemed to have remained blank. It could hardly absorb what the message meant. Then as if cold water was being poured over me, I hastily made arrangements to leave. I asked permission for an emergency leave, shut down my computer and left the office. I was intent on getting as fast as I can to B’s side. I know how he’s feeling and I wanted to be there while his going through all of it.

Wife. It wasn’t my being his wife that urged me to be by his side. I did not see it in the light that I had to be with him because it is my obligation as his wife. I wanted to be there, wanted to hold his hand while he goes through this sad experience because I love him, because I feel for him, because I want him to feel that he is not alone in his grief.

When I walked inside our room, I immediately noticed his reddened eyes though he was already playing with baby by then. Tears came readily to me. Before I knew it, I was already crying along with him. At one point I was wishing I could take his grief as my own.

His is a complicated family set-up. I am remembering now how that’s the very thing that brought us together. When I met Bolo I immediately sensed a sad, in-need-of-love kid underneath his jovial exterior. Anyone looking at him would readily wish he has Bolo’s carefree attitude. He’s so full of fun and life. And yet, when I looked at him for the first time, I felt different. I felt as if I wanted to hold him, hug him. I sensed a certain sadness around him that tugs at my heartstrings.

I’m remembering that one time while Melai and I had been in the Ateneo chapel to attend our usual afternoon Mass. She was giving me advice as to really think about being close to B. She pointed out our differences and one of them being his “household set-up.” She had meant well. I still remember how I replied to her then. I told her that’s the very reason why I wanted to be there for him. I told her quite naively that I just wanted to show him what it’s like to be really loved. I told her I have so much love to give and I wanted to fill him where his cup is empty, or words to that effect.

I had never intended that he and I end as sweethearts much less ever expected that he and I end up as husband and wife. I only wanted for us to be friends. There is something about him that tugs at me, something I could not totally explain.

I find it a bit weird remembering that moment with Melai. I’m wondering now how I could have felt that way then. But indeed, that’s how I felt then. On those days, I just felt that B needed some nurturing and that I was quite willing to give it. It’s weird really since even as I felt it then, I really had no idea how I was supposed to do that. I did not even think about it at all. And here I am now doing exactly that – loving him, nurturing him.

Ours is not a perfect relationship. In fact, we fight ever so often. There are even times when our arguments turn ugly. And yet, there is something about our partnership that convinces me time and again that everything is as it should be. There he is now sleeping peacefully at my side while I’m clicking away at this keyboard and I couldn’t help but feel relieved that he was able to take a momentary respite from the grief he’s feeling. There’s just something about us that I couldn’t quite point a finger to. I guess it’s the love… genuine and heartfelt. And such love manifests itself in our dealings with each other. While our differences sometimes boil down to a conflict of some sort, we have our love for each other as our saving grace.

I grew fearful all of a sudden, wondering if we would still be feeling the same way years down the line… Yet who cares? No sense being fearful of what is yet to come. What’s important is that we are loving each other now as well as we could, while we still can. What’s important is that now, we are being the best that we could be to each other, as individuals and as part of this partnership we’re having… I love you B and I’m one with you in your grief.

On Drama and Loving Better

Just came in from a meeting. Feeling really tired and lethargic at the moment. It must have been the heat outside or it could be that I woke up real early just to make it to the 8:00 a.m. appointment. Having to nurse the baby meant some waking hours in the middle of the night. While this is not as tiring as preparing a formula, it still means a few hours off my sleep. That is why I usually take advantage of a few hours in the morning before I wake up to mind baby RL again and prepare for work... This morning, I had to be up and about real early so I wouldn't be late for the meeting. It did not help that the venue for the meeting is at the other side of the city huhuhu :(

I'm sharing below a journal entry I had last December... thought it worth-sharing so here goes...

December 19, 2005
11:50 P.M.
Living Room


Bolo is out-of-town. He’s in Gen. San to attend the 11th Mindanao Forum. Since last year, when it was determined in Gingoog that this year’s Forum will be held in Gen. San, he had really been excited about attending. I wasn’t that thrilled since I had attended a previous (my first, in fact) Mindanao Forum in Gen. San.

Hmm… I was about to say that it was tough not having him around today. It wasn’t really. Well, I had to do away with my afternoon nap but even with him around, I rarely did nap in the afternoon.

Funny, but how “inclined” I am to “believe” that he had given me such a hard time by wanting to be at a forum instead of sticking around to help me take care of our little one. Now I wonder why is that? Hmm… another one of my drama’s. And come to think of it, it’s not a good “inclination” to have really. Or a good drama to keep either. After all, what do I want to achieve by entertaining such thoughts? What is it that I want? For B to think that he really owed me big time by “deserting” me? That “poor me,” my husband wanted to have a few days off for himself after quite selflessly attending to my every need and whim?

As usual, B had been quite attentive ever since I gave birth. Oh, there were very few instances when he’d flit off somewhere and spend some time with his friends but for the most part, he had played a good part of being my dear and faithful “servant.” He cooks for me, “feed” me, attends to the laundry, pays my credit card bills… He had been everything to me. But the most significant of all, he had been quite a doting father to our son.

So what business do I have to mope around just because he asked for a day off to be at the forum? Is it because I wanted to be there too? It’s not that really. Reflecting on the matter, it’s really just one of my drama’s. And being that, it’s not something that’s a “conscious” choice really. It’s more like an “automatic” tendency or as I aptly called it, “inclination.” And it’s quite easy to drown in one’s drama’s. If kept unchecked, it would be quite easy to have them rule one’s life. And how sad if that would be the case. That would be like living a life in a half-asleep, half-awake fashion. I’m not even sure if there is something “awake” about being ruled by one’s drama. In all likelihood, it would be like living a life in a “senseless” fashion where momentary whims and tendencies rule you. I wouldn’t want that for myself. I would rather live my life in a self-possessed, more conscious manner where my intentions and directions are clear. But yeah, this is easier said than done. But then again, if I could check myself, my thoughts and intentions as I have done here, then maybe, just maybe, I may not be that quite off the mark.

So B, difficult as it is, I really hope you are enjoying yourself at the forum’s socials tonight. You don’t know how difficult it is for me to let you go today. I’ve been half-wishing the whole time yesterday that something would go wrong about your arrangements and then you won’t be able to go. But there I was at five o’ clock this morning, coaxing you awake, fearing you would be late with your agreement to meet with Rey. While I was watching you sleep and looking at the watch at the same time, I was quite tempted to just let you sleep so you would be late for your appointment. Waking you up meant I recognize your need to have your own space too. I know I would want the same thing for myself – my own space where I could get to do my own thing apart from this partnership that we have. It meant that I acknowledge our being individuals. But believe me B, it wasn’t that easy to do. I have long been governed by my drama and sometimes, given in to its whim is a lot easier than challenging it. It’s easier to be my old self than to change for another person’s benefit. But I guess I have grown over the years, or perhaps I have really just learned how to love better...

The Birth

I sat in the back, feeling excited and nervous all at the same time. B’s in the front seat, I knew he was as nervous as I am, probably even more. I knew the ordeal of coaching me all through out the delivery is very much on his mind. I wanted to reassure him, tell him I’m fine but Mama is right beside me. Her presence somewhat made me feel a bit shy to start an intimate conversation with Bee and so I just texted him. I asked him how he’s feeling and told him not to be concerned so much since I’m feeling perfectly fine. He texted back, “Kulbaan na gyud, B. Pero kaya natin to team! (I'm feeling too nervous already, B. But we can make it, team!)” That made me almost laugh out loud. It made me feel grateful too. I am grateful that he looked at the situation that way – that this is an experience we both are facing. It reassured me, erased all my doubts. I am not on my own then. It was a wonderful feeling to have.

We made a brief stop at the office since I had to submit my “work-leave” documents he-he-he. We’re way before my expected due date. In fact, I was supposed to be in a meeting that morning with a consultant for a project I’m handling. I had been getting ready to dress for the meeting when I noticed blood stains on my clothes. I knew then that this is probably the day. The day before that, B and I went to see our doctor. We suspected some kind of leaking from my bag of water. I was having watery discharges. While it wasn’t enough to tell us that my bag of water had already broken, it made us nervous just the same. The check-up revealed that I am already partially open. Still, my OB signed my leave-papers indicating a much further date. So I never really suspected anything.

After the office, we went straight to the hospital. I had already informed my OB we were already on our way there. I’ve also texted a few good friends asking for prayers. I wasn’t feeling anything yet. I was still able to sign the admitting documents at the emergency room. It was straight to the delivery room from there. Bee accompanied me, we were both eager to change into the appropriate “uniform” but we were informed Lamaze partners/coach are allowed only inside the Lamaze room when I’m already on the active labor phase. That dampened our anticipation, somewhat. I had been looking forward to spending some quiet moments with Bee while we await the “final moment.” I did not relish lying and sitting in the Lamaze room on my own.

Since it was suspected that my water was already leaking, I was not allowed at all to stand and walk. But everything was taking so long. And being on my own was really starting to bore me. So every now and then I would sneak out of the Lamaze room and talk to Bee where he is waiting just outside the restricted area.

Waiting. A long time we had in waiting. All in all, I had labored for two days! Yup! Imagine my boredom. On my first day, when the pain feels like nothing at all, I had been very impatient. I would move out of the room and start pacing about. Most of the time B accompanies me. Twice, it was my mom who did.

The momentum only picked up on the afternoon of the second day. Although I wasn’t fully dilated yet, I could already feel the pain in my lower back. It is almost unbearable but the breathing exercises helped. By evening, the pain had escalated. I even vomited out of the pain. I was sedated so I could cope up with the pain. With the rate my “dilation” is going – awfully slow – my OB thinks it best to sedate me. This way, I would still have energy left when the right time comes. I had, after all, been in labor for two days already. I managed to sleep for a while but still, the pain wakes me up every now and then. At one point I asked for the “painless” procedure he-he-he. I’m not exactly proud of this given we had Lamaze and all. But the pain was really something.  Good thing I did not went through with the painless.  Eventually, concentrating on my breathing exercises helped. B’s tireless coaching helped me concentrate. He had been with me when I was well into the active labor phase. I was already irritable at that point, the pain was driving me crazy but B had remained calm. He would smile at me while he was coaching me breathe. The funny thing was, the more I see him smile, the more irritated I get.


My partner/coach :) Taken when he was on his way to join me in the Lamaze Room. It took a long while to locate him. I was already well into the active labor phase by then and was already dying to have him beside me but he was off somewhere buying me merienda, something.
I never expected B to be calm or even smiling. Given the “fear” he expressed during our Lamaze class, I expected he would be edgy and nervous. When I was finally being wheeled in into the delivery room, I thought he would back out. He had been expressing his doubts and concern about seeing the whole thing. He had always been afraid of hospitals, he never wanted to be inside one, much less be inside a delivery room to witness his wife go through the ordeal. But he remained by my side the whole time. (Thank you B.) It was a good thing that he did. While everything went well at the start, everything went intense towards the very end. Little B took a long time in going out. I reached a point when I no longer knew how to push properly. I was so tired already from the effort. And the pain… At one point, a very intense pain hit me, and I instinctively sought out B’s hand who readily extended it to me. Even then I noticed how dependent I was to B. Reaching instinctively to him reveals as much. For a while I wondered how the others fared, going through delivery “on their own.” That instant, I felt grateful to have B by my side.


Finally being wheeled in to the delivery room. When the pain became more frequent, I asked to be IE'd. Good thing I did since it turned out that my bag of water already broke and I had already dilated from 4 cm to 7 cm. If at the start everything had been too slow, things seem to be picking up so fast at this point.

Waiting again inside the Delivery Room. I lay there concentrating on my breathing, dealing with the pain and the strong desire to push. While they sat there and talk about Louis Vuitton bags and other stuff. In my head I was like screaming, "You could talk like that while I lay here like this?!" he-he-he But of course they knew better. Hope I don't get sued for posting this pic with them here he-he-he They've been a pretty good team. I sure owe them a lot, particularly in making sure baby RL was alright.


Bolo: Come on B, breathe...
Thank you B, for holding my hand all through out the ordeal. Once again you've proven to me that we are indeed a team.

I never had an idea that everything was starting to go wrong. All I could think of was the pain, and that how tired I already was. I did not even notice that everyone seemed tense and that every time I would push, they would also monitor baby’s heartbeat. At one point my OB urgently urged me to push and even sort of began scolding me to push harder. A vacuum was brought in, two “burly” female nurses pressed down hard at my belly, and out goes baby RL.

Everyone in the delivery room cheered. It turned out it was a cord coil delivery. That is why baby took a real long time in going out. And that towards the end we very nearly lost baby RL. When they told me this, I felt as if cold water was being poured over me. I could not bring myself to think of what could have happened. My OB jokingly told me she felt like collapsing every time the Doppler indicates a drop in the heartbeat. She told me we very nearly had an “unpleasant” accident that day. Thank God we didn’t!

Then everyone went busy. I could hear my OB asking what time it is. I heard someone say I had given birth to a baby boy. A son…


Bb RL:Akk..ekk..glug..glug...what are you doing to me?! Where's my Nanay?! I want to see her!

Finally baby's out. It had taken a while and we sure had treaded very dangerous ground. Thank God he's well and healthy. Just as I asked for in prayer...
I was too weak to feel anything. I waited for the feeling of elation others told me I would feel once I’d hear my baby cry but everyone in the room was too noisy. Everyone seems to be giving some kind of instruction or the other… I knew some were minding my baby, taking care of him… I heard someone say that he should be latched to my….err… breast for that initial suckle. And he was. That’s when I saw him for the first time… Still, everything was a blur and I was too weak to appreciate the whole experience.


Bb RL: There, there, finally you've taken me to my mom... hmm... ought I kiss her here?! Is it not supposed to be at her cheeks? You sure?!"

This is when I saw baby for the very first time. I was too weak already by then to fully appreciate the experience. But I sure was grateful to know he's alright. Even here, I was not aware of the very close call we had. I thought everything was just as it should be.

Bb RL: Hey, hey, where are you taking me now?! Don't take me away from my mommy!!! What are you doing to her now? Are you hurting her?! What's all that blood?! Huh! I can't look! Takot ako!
Before I knew it, baby was brought to the next room to be cleaned up. Everyone else was administering to me. Well, they were “sewing” me up, pardon the pun :)and making sure everything was alright with me.


Bb RL: Oh, oh what are you going to do with me now?! What is it I'm lying on here? It's hard and cold... Oh, oh! Is that water over there?! Waaah!!! Don't tell me your going to dip me in that?!!! I've been in water for almost 9 whole months... not again!

Bb RL: Look Ma, I five fingers in this hand. And at the other too! See? Does that mean they're no longer going to dip me in that cold-looking water over there? Ha?!

Bb RL:Oh, oh, you're going to lift me now?!

Bb RL: Brrr...told you it's cold.. brrr..but it feels good to be cleaned up. Ok, you can clean me now. Just don't get soap in my eyes ha?

Bb RL: Wow! This feels good. I feel warm already. Thanks a lot! :)
Somehow I felt everything. And knowing that I no longer had to concentrate that hard for my baby’s sake, I gave in to my desire to “holler” every time I feel pained. I was probably a lot noisier then than when I was giving birth to Baby RL. I know someone outside of the delivery room would have thought I was at the height of giving birth by then.

Though weakened, my sense of humor did not left me and I slyly asked for apology for being noisy. I told them that now that I no longer have to reserve my energy, I could shout all I want hehehe I was feeling everything all at once (minus the pain of course) that I kept my eyes closed all through out the procedure up until they wheeled me out of the delivery room to my room.

Back at my room, I felt myself being lifted and transferred to my bed. Then I slept…


Hmmm... nice and cozy :)

Meet My Son

I've been really wanting to share the story of baby RL's birth in this blog but I'm really just short of time these days given the amount of work that had piled up in my absence from the office. The "birth account" is in my journal and quite a long entry so it means I would have to "type" the entire thing, which would entail some time that I could not afford at the moment. Hmm... and yet, the mother in me could also not wait to tell the whole world about my adorable, little son so here goes...


Baby Rod Lauren


Hey, look ma, who's smiling?


Close Up Shot :)

Meet my son, Rod Lauren :) I'm not quite sure whom he took after or where he got his looks -- me or bolo. Most of my friends say he took after B while most of Bolo's friends say he looks a lot like me he-he-he. I guess the confusion really is on the fact that he does not quite look like either of us. Some of my relatives say - and I agree - that he look a lot like my Dad :)

He's a lot of things these days. From being just a little short of 6 pounds at birth, he has now grown so fast. If at birth he could barely fill in his baby clothes, now he's almost bursting out of them he-he-he. As for his personality, well, he seem to take after his father :) He smiles a lot, even "giggles" when talked to. He seem to have such a happy disposition in life. I pray that he would still have that when he grows up. I hope he does not take after me who's so serious I seem to have a problem all the time he-he :) Hmm... but come to think of it, he seem to take after me in this aspect too. Many times he has manifested to me how he's such a sensitive baby. There are times when he would cry wanting to be picked up. Sometimes, I'm doing other things so I could not immediately pick him up. Instead of crying in earnest, he would stop, look at me and seem to just wait 'till I give him my full attention. Everytime he does that, I would immediately drop whatever it is I'm doing and engage him in a tight hug. Would not want him to feel neglected at all. Hmm.. I just hope he picks up both our "good" qualities and not otherwise.

Baby Rod Lauren is everything to me now. Everything that I do, hope for, decide for, seem to revolve all around him. He gives my life a deeper meaning. Now I know why babies are referred to as a "bundle of joy." Baby Rod Lauren is definitely that to me.


Baby RL: Hmm... whom do you think I take after? My mom or my Dad?

On Faith and Spending Some Time Together

I was praying after receiving Holy Communion in yesterday’s Sunday Mass when I felt B lean to me and whispered, “I love you B. Hurot.” The last word meant, “consumingly.” I could not quite lean back at him to answer him so I just sought out his hand and squeezed it in response.

I remember the instances in the past when I had to argue with him when it comes to attending Sunday Mass. We had been attending regularly since last December but there are still times when I would have to urge him to go hear Mass with me. It’s not always easy and often times I hate the fact that we had to have a discussion over it. In truth, it breaks my heart knowing we don’t quite see eye to eye when it comes to this. I mean, I could take it if we argue about other things, but this?

I have no idea what warranted his “I love you” last night. I’m not sure what went on over his head at that time. I did see him pray though and I knew that he was very much sincere about it. Oh, he had always been sincere when it comes to prayer. In fact, there are times when I would wonder who is more pleasing in God’s eyes – me who’s into the rituals or him who doesn’t care that much about the rituals but is earnest in his prayers. (I am not saying that I’m not earnest though.)

Last Friday, I was beginning to think that we are having progress where our “difference of opinion” in exercising our faith is concerned. Because, he so gamely volunteered to accompany me in going to my community’s prayer meeting. Just in “going to” though since he is resolute about not attending it with me. On our way home after the prayer meeting, we enjoyed some quiet moments together. We even stopped by Jollibee to buy some fries and sundae to munch on our way home. Hmm… come to think of it, that’s the first time we have a few moments all to ourselves. That is, outside of the house ever since our little one came into our lives. There were few instances when he and I had been to the mall but it was always with baby in tow. Last night, it was again just the two of us. It felt very much like when we were still dating which made it really fun :)

Ah...Sweethearts Just the Same :)

B walked in on me while I was wrapping up on my journal entry below. I'm trying to guess what picture would I have presented -- sitting there cross-legged, pen and journal in hand, brows touching, engaged in a thoughtful mood...

I felt his hesitation as he looked at me. He then asked me what I was doing. I knew it was very much obvious to him what I was doing but I answered him anyway. I told him I was writing in my journal. He answered that he thought putting the computer downstairs would eliminate that habit of mine. He said he preferred having me rest than write. I answered back by asking him would he rather have me with a wilted soul. He grew quiet. Then he asked me what I was writing about. I told him everything, about my felt need for "sweetnothings." I told him that while I truly appreciate how he had proven to be such a good partner to me and how our relationship have grown over the months of taking on responsibilities, I felt that we ought not forget about indulging in sweetnothings every now and then. He engaged me in a hug and said that when baby RL is grown, we would have more time for being sweet to each other. He said that what's important now is that baby's needs are met. I was about to argue when he caught himself and made a non-coherent comment. I knew he was getting my drift. I knew that like me, he would exert more effort now not to just be engrossed in the practical aspects of our relationship... And we continued with our conversation. We talked about practical stuff again but the moment remained intimate just the same.

Being Partners and Being "Sweethearts"

February 7, 2006
10:00 PM
Our Room
Bb Rod Lauren sleeping
Peacefully by my side

Chanced upon a dear, old friend at YM today. No, not an old flame but definitely a close friend in the past. Anyway, the exchange was…hmm... “practical.” Well, we did talk about practical matters. He had gotten married long before I did. In fact, I am Godmother to his daughter, Raine. He’s in China now with his family but is planning to come home this May. His wife Chang, who also became a friend of mine, is already 3 months pregnant with their second child. Considering the cost of giving birth there and the lack of support we usually enjoy over here from our extended families, they decided to have the baby here. Ryan, my friend, would have to go back to China though after two weeks since he works there.

Ryan and I talked about being parents, the hospital cost of giving birth these days, etc. etc. Chang and I also had a chance to chat and we talked about “mother-stuff” like breastfeeding, paglilihi, giving discipline to kids, etc. Ryan and I talked about business too. It was amazing really. He was planning to bring some outdoor stuff home to sell. He told me there was plenty of good stuff over there. He said the income from it would help tide over some of Chang’s needs here. He told me he was thinking of ways to dispose the items when he gets here. While he has several climbing friends who would be interested, he preferred a more practical and legit outlet. When he learned of B’s shop, everything just fell into place. It was a lucky coincidence really, our having to talk today.

But this is not what had me in a pensive mood at the moment. In the course of our conversation there was a time when he called me in the pet name he used to call me in the past. It hit a chord somewhere inside of me. It made me immediately thoughtful. B and I are so busy taking care of each other’s needs and that of our baby’s that somehow we are more of being “partners” or "teammates" to each other than “sweethearts.” I mean, we’re more engrossed now with practical matters than sweety, touching stuff. Oh, “I love you’s” are still exchanged often, particularly on moments when one’s concern for the other is very much obvious. That's when being "partners" gave way to moments of intimacy wherein we realize that our love for each other has taken on a deeper meaning. That now, it’s more on taking care of each other, of supporting each other, as we build on the family we’re having. Every time B helps me with the chores or in taking care of our little one without my having to ask him to, the more I appreciate his person. The more I come to love him.

Being called by my pet name today really struck me. While my love and respect for B grows deeper as he shows me everyday I could count on him when it comes to taking on and embracing the responsibilities and practicalities of “family-hood,” I realized that indulging in little, sweet nothings every now and then could not hurt either. It could definitely add spice to our relationship. Being too engrossed in the responsibilities and “duties,” could also be tiring. That is why it's also important that "partners" make the effort to be "sweethearts" every now and then. That way, the relationship remain balanced and the danger of resenting each other for taking the fun out of life could be avoided. One thing I realized today is that relationships often grow stale because in the course of taking on the responsibilities, the relationship begins to be viewed of more as a "duty," or worse, a "chore." And when there is more of that than fun in the every day that passes, for sure the relationship wilts and before you knew it, it will just fizzle right before your very eyes...

My two loves.

Thank you too B

Below is an entry I had on my journal I felt I wanted to share in here so....

November 23, 2005
5:28 P.M.

We were both watching our little one sleep awhile back when B suddenly turned to me, looked me in the eye and "thanked" me for giving him his son. It was a touching moment and I could feel myself being close to tears now as I'm remembering it. But at that time I just smiled teasingly at him, mouthed an incoherent response and tried to make light of the moment. But in reality, I was feeling as if my heart had expanded to fill the entire room...

I'm Back!

Hmm... I've been out of...err... circulation for quite some time now... but I'm definitely back :) I have not stopped writing though. While having a dial-up connection totally discouraged me to log in here and write my entries, I still did manage to write down my thoughts the old-fashioned way -- with a journal and a pen :) Motherhood was such an experience that no matter how tired I was, I still manage to write down my thoughts and realizations. I will be posting some of them here soonest... :)

On Motherhood

I have started working again this week. Although, officially, I am due to report on February 6 yet. Since I miscalculated and came in last Tuesday, here I am reporting again for a meeting I had committed to.

Having been advised that I take advantage of the two more weeks left to enjoy my baby, I took Wednesdays and Thursdays off. It was a lucky break since Bee had told me beforehand that he had “extra” work on those two days. An ASEAN Tourism Forum is ongoing in the city which means lots of opportunity for his type of business. It meant some “night away from home” for him.

Anyway, here I am again dabbling with my computer and doing what I’ve missed doing the most – write. Being a mom is truly a rich experience. It is definitely something else. As I take on the role everyday, I get to realize a lot of things. As I had expected, motherhood is such an eye-opener to me in a lot of ways. It made me see myself “metamorphosing” into this person I never really imagined I could be. In a way, I am “witnessing” an entirely different way of my “becoming,” of the unfolding of my truth. After all, motherhood is not an experience that could happen to you everyday. It is an entirely different phase in one’s life. And I am in that phase now.

Motherhood also made me see my own Mom in a different light. I understand her better now, and am more tolerant of her moods. Most importantly, I now appreciate her much, much more than I ever did. Finding myself in her shoes now, I realized hers was not an easy job rearing and loving us with all our imperfections and shortcomings.

Being a kid, it’s easy to be idealistic – demanding a lot of things from our parents. As children, it’s so easy for us to have such high expectations on what parents should be. (Well, I did.) We usually would have such high standards. That is why, for some, when something goes wrong in their lives, it’s so easy to blame the parents for being so strict or being less so, etc. etc. (I did not blame my parents in any way though) But now, as a parent myself, I realized parenthood is such a difficult role to take on. There’s lots of balancing act to do, of weighing things carefully before acting on anything.

A few weeks into motherhood and I find myself fumbling and groping as I try to learn the ropes. And it’s not easy to just fumble or to conduct things in a trial and error manner. Why? Because there’s another life, another being to consider here. And it does not make it easier to realize that that being is such a tiny, little baby totally dependent on you. If you’d mess up – in your fumbling and groping – you would totally affect this little angel’s life. And for sure, I would not want to commit such terrible mistakes that could greatly affect my own baby’s life.

I am not perfect. For sure there will be mistakes along the way. I just pray and hope that they would in no way hamper my son’s own becoming in the future. Every time I watch him sleep or when we look at each other eye to eye as I feed him, I realize how tiny and how fragile he is. He is totally dependent on me. There is no way he could protect himself should I harm him in any way. And there's no way I would want to do that at all -- harm him, consciously that is. If there's something I want, it's to help him become the best that he could be, help him in his own becoming and in the process enrich my own becoming too. This, is such a tall order. I find myself on my knees the most nights just to ask for this...

On cravings, pregnancy and loving

Craving for a tall glass of ice cold cola drink. Hmm... does that make sense at all? It seems a little late into this pregnancy to have some cravings. But yes, surprisingly, I'm having a lot of those these days. I must be making up for not having gone through such a phase early on in my pregancy he-he-he.

Hmm... looking back, indeed, I did not pass through any "paglilihi" stage. My little one seems to be very considerate :) Either that or I'm being rewarded a good Karma for trying my best not to be of inconvenience to anyone... I did not go through any vommitting phase, of not being able to eat well, of thinking garlic and onion have "disagreeable" smell... Well, at least that's how my own mom and some friends related to me their own pregnancies... My mom even told me I was such a difficult baby to have. Told me she had not eaten any decent meal during her first trimester with me since she could not take the smell of any cooked food... I wasn't so unlucky.

I think, being vegetarian is the reason for it. Come to think of it, my little one is so lucky, he came when my body is at its tiptop shape. I've been vegetarian for almost three years when he was conceived. I was also always active, getting myself involved in various physical pursuits -- runs, race, kayaking,trekking, climbing, including exercising consistently... I guess I could say my body was quite prepared when I got pregnant.

More than three years ago, B and I made a commitment to keep each other healthy. While we did that without having a baby in mind, I'm glad that we made such a commitment then. Since I'm definitely reaping the benefits now... I hope my little one is too.

Fear. Uncertainty. I'm having a good share of them lately. I'm not sure if it is just hormones talking or what. But I sure have some worries about my upcoming "delivery." Not so much for me but for my little one. I want him so badly. And I want him alive, well, normal and healthy. I don't normally ask for anything specific everytime I pray -- trusting that God knows exactly what my needs are -- but these days, I've been praying really hard to have that and a safe and normal delivery. Both for my sake and baby's.

Actually, that is one of the reasons for my taking the lamaze class. The class represented something "solid" to grasp on to while I wallow in the uncertainty of having to deliver a life into this world. I know the class will help me put everything in perspective. Aside from the fact that I'm sure the class will also add some "more" value to the intimacy that B and I share. I know doing the class together will make us closer than we already are. It will also make "my" pregnancy something that he and I both share... Oh he is involved alright. I could not ask for a more attentive, concerned husband that B is to me. If, as a boyfriend he treated me like a princess, in my pregnancy, he treated me like a queen. I have no reason to complain really...

Someone said to me last week that love begets love. Indeed it does... Everytime B shows me how sincere he is in his concern for me and my well-being, I can't help but want to return the regard too. And vice-versa. It never ends really... Thank you so much B, for everything. For holding my hand as I learn, unlearn, and relearn everyday the real meaning of love and self-giving.

Lamaze Class

With our "instructor," Alex

Hmm... how time flies. Before we knew it, we are already down to our last session in class. For three weekends, we had gone to learning about the exercises, learning about pregnancy and delivery, and well, learning about mine and B's "fears" when it comes to "our" giving birth real soon.

Higlights: I was real surprised in encountering a former college classmate and a friend of a friend attending the class too as a couple. Suprised but definitely not displeased :) Jeanette Lee was a former classmate way back computer science days in Ateneo. Lemuel was a friend of another classmate of ours back then too. While Lemuel was frequently hanging out with our other classmates then (since they were classmates in high school), it still was surprising to see Jeanette and Lemuel together. I'm thinking, they hardly exchanged a word then and now they're married?! He-he-he But I sure was happy to see familiar faces attending the same class :)

Highlight No. 2 was when we had a tour of the delivery facility back at Brok. At one point, we took turn lying on the delivery table hehehe to get a feel of things. It was fun. We started by changing into hospital gowns and traded our shoes with slippers that the hospital provided. The hubby's had on a scrub suit. Since it wasn't the real thing yet, we just donned on the gowns and suits on top of what we're wearing. Next, they showed us the labor and lamaze rooms. There were already 8 persons there who were on labor. They appeared pretty relaxed to me and some were even eating. (?! or was mistaken?), So probably, they were still at their early phase of the labor. We then entered the delivery room. Luckily, it wasn't in use yet so we had it all to ourselves. That's when we took turns lying there with a bean bag on our back. Personally, I find the bean bag helpful. I think it will do a lot of good when the "pushing" time comes... Hmmm... I'm going on here as if what I'm talking about is just an ordinary thing and not something I would be experiencing with some pain.

Pain. There would be a lot of that alright. But our "teacher" was good in pointing out that the pain involved is really "protective" in nature and that it really is a part of the entire process of giving birth. That is why she encourages us to "ride" with the pain. Hm...embrace the pain. I'm wondering if I could do that given all the horror stories I've heard about giving birth. But for sure, I will definitely try my best to make it easy for my little one. I wouldn't want to put him in much undue stress just because I was too overwhelmed with the pain I'm feeling. But yeah, I'm also realistic enough to know that it's really too early for me to go on talking about what I "intend" to do when the time finally comes... After all, giving birth is a very personal experience. It is an experience that would be unique for every person... Ah... may all be well, for me and my little one. I pray that I would be brave as I normally am...

As for being brave, one of the highlights of the lamaze experience was in having to watch B agonize while watching the video showing we had on normal and ceasarian delivery. He really could not take the whole thing that he was constantly cowering behind my back and covering his eyes. I was comforting him all through out the film showing he-he-he poor B. At one point he looked at me imploringly and said he probably could not accompany me when my time would come. It was too much for him. That had me thinking. I always knew of his fear of hospitals and seeing blood, first hand. Yeah, one would look at B and wouldn't know that he had such fears. He always seemed carefree, adventurous and without a care in the world. But believe me, there are certain things that truly unnerve him.

I am torn between wanting to free him from the "obligation" of accompanying me althrough out the entire ordeal and wanting him to be by my side then. We had always been partners in everything. And labor is definitely a milestone for me. There are just too many at stake and too many uncertainties. If it's only my life that is at stake, I really do not mind facing it alone. But with our little one to consider, I definitely want to have a familiar face around by then. But most especially, I want to have B by my side, holding my hand. Even now, as we talk about it everyday, I know he's psyching himself up for it. I know like me, he is torn too -- torn between wanting to be there for me and wanting to give in to his fear. I know his is not a decision to make either but then again... Haaay. I know all will be well...

Ah, wait! I almost forgot to write about the highlights of all highlights of the class... It's B and I either lying side by side or head to head (depending on the size of the mat we would bring for the session hehehe) as we do the exercises together. It's him, holding me by the hand while helping me focus as I execute the breathing exercises. It's him and I smiling at each other's eyes and enjoying our moment together...

A Circus Baby and a Delighted "Spectator"

Last night, we had a "practice session" on our "Lamaze Exercises" at home. Actually, I was too tired to do anything much but I had quite a strict "coach/partner" who sees to it that I do my assignments... When I would execute an exercise incorrectly, Bolo would frown and show me how it's supposed to be done! Huh! So there definitely was no cheating with him around... He's probably thinking, I insisted about taking the class so we'd better make good use of what we're learning from it... Which is actually a sound decision, considering I had to "beg" (err... coerce is more like it hehehe...) him so that he'd agree about our taking the class...

The exercises actually are quite easy to do but with my growing tummy and my being tired these days, a simple stretching exercise could have me sweating even before I fully execute it... Sigh... I can't help but think of the days when doing stretching exercises during our nightly runs, hardly requires any effort from me...

Anyway, despite the "discomfort" and some "inconveniences" this pregnancy has given me, I know I wouldn't trade this pregnancy for anything. What happened last night was one of those moments that really made me appreciate going through this particular experience.

As usual, I was just about to doze off when Little B started again with his... errr... nightly "performance" :) It's actually one of the things I look forward to at night. My tummy would rise and fall as Little B would go through his "sommersault routine" hehe. It amuses me to see this everytime, with my whole tummy "waving" in tune with my little one's movements.

Everytime this happens, I would take Bolo's hand and place it on my tummy so he could also feel the whole thing... The funny thing is, the movement would stop everytime. So Bolo would usually just feel a slight movement. Last night was different, however. It seems to me that our little one has finally decided to "show off" to his Tatay :)

As I placed Bolo's hand over my tummy, Little B's movements became more pronounced. He seems to be tromping all over the place :) Bolo then gave out a delighted and surprised yelp. It was like music to my ears hehehe. I know he was enjoying the whole experience. And I was right there along with him... I was glad for his sake... I know he was very much delighted by what is taking place and I was really happy for him...

Ah... what they're saying is true - the best things in life are free :)

On Spirituality

“Religion is a guy in church thinking about fishing. Spirituality is a guy out fishing thinking about God.”

Read this in today's devotional and I'm struck by it... I know it does not quite justify my not being that "religious" in going to church lately, unlike before where i don't usually let a day pass without attending mass... but I find comfort in the above phrase... God knows where my heart lays and what my longings are...

These days are tough. Everyone I know - including myself - seems to be short of cash these days. There's just too many bills to pay and the cost of everything just seems to have ballooned overnight. But everyday, we get by. With His help, we do manage to settle our obligations and meet our needs. Truly, He sustains us unconditionally. Just as He had promised... And I cling to this promise everyday... He is after all, the good provider... And he never fails, everytime... Thank you Father God.

The Other Side of the Coin

We had a spat. That is nothing new, actually. After all, our three-year relationship as “sweethearts” was marked by our constant quarrelling. While it’s obvious that we care so much for each other, there were differences that we could not really escape from. Differences that had often been the root of our constant bickering… Perhaps, if it had not been for the love, we must have broken up a long time ago… And yet here we are, married and all…

Even during our engagement, there were fights that came close to calling everything off… So I guess it’s easier to understand the fighting now… Especially now, when we’re living under the same roof… There’s bound to be some disagreements over preferences…

Come to think of it, living with Bolo is no different from being with him then. We had always been “truthful” to each other. In the course of our relationship, our “pa-cute” stage had only been very short. Bolo had always been the type of person who does not bother about any form of pretense. With him, what you see is what you get.

In the course of our relationship, I’ve seen the good and the worst side of Bolo. When he’s angry, he’s really angry and he says what he feels outright. No frills and sugar-coating with him. If he thinks you suck, he’ll tell you outright that you do. I don’t think he would be the type of guy who would break up with you and say, “It’s not you really, it’s me…” Yeah right! That kind of bullshit. With Bolo, there is no bullshitting. He is that “cruel” hehehe He had often hurt me in the past because of this attitude of his. But it is something that I appreciate about him too. At least, with him, I always know where I stand. It made it easier for me to be myself with him too, to express what I’m really feeling…

But there were times too when he is totally unreasonable. Times when in the course of his anger he would utter words that are uncalled for. It is at these times when he could hurt me so. Times when I would also often lash back. Usually, when he is at the height of his anger, I would just keep quiet. Not in a cowering, meek way though. Quiet in a watchful, defiant way. I usually would just bid my time. Let him steam off. I see no sense in meeting his temper head on. For sure, doing so would only lead to uglier things. So I would often just keep quiet. When he had finally said his piece and when I sense he’s no longer in a temper, that’s when I would point out to him what he did wrong too, etc. etc.

The other side of the coin… While there is no doubt that I regard Bolo as a beautiful person – how else would I fall in love with him in the first place and even consider sharing a life with him – there are also some aspects of him that are sometimes not that easy to accept or swallow. The “childlikeness” I love so much about him has another side to it too and that is his tendency to be childish. While it is so easy to love the Bolo who delights in the simplest of things, whose joy and enthusiasm is boundless, it is often difficult for me to deal with a Bolo who is stubborn, and sees things his way only. The times when he is being childish, that’s when I find it difficult to appreciate his person he-he-he I guess it’s understandable really. And our recent fight made me realize that while I find him beautiful enough to marry him, there would be times when he would be “unbeautiful,” and would prove difficult to deal with… Oh well, I guess I’ve always known that. It’s just that living under the same roof made the realities more glaring somewhat…

Beautifully flawed and scarred… That’s how Jeni, my best friend, calls us both when I get to talk to her about our recent “misunderstanding.” And we are definitely that. Both he and I have brought into our union some “ghosts” we had to contend with since childhood. As such, they really are not that easy to shake off… Time and again old issues would resurface in our dealings with one another. Like in his case, in having to say some uncalled for words… Everytime he does that and I get hurt in the process, I know it really is just one of his ghosts talking. Realizing that made me understand him and the situation better. But understanding does not mean though that I just accept everything he dishes at me even when they’re totally uncalled for or worse – not true at all…

I’m awake enough and have learned enough to know that all those labels that people pin down on us whether in anger or in their ignorance are not necessarily true. There was a time in my youth when I used to believe that they are true, especially when you hear them often enough. But since then, I have learned my lesson, learned to love myself more to know that I am not always what people think of me. So everytime he does that, I often would lash back. I’d tell him not to call me this or that since they are not true. Most of the time when I would do that, he would stop himself and keep quiet. Probably realizing too that I was right and that what he’s saying is totally uncalled for. That’s usually when he would start to mellow down, begin to reason with me… That’s when the discussion would begin.

During our conversation, I told Jeni that everytime Bolo and I fight, it is inevitable that tempers would rise and in the process we hurt each other by the things being said. Still, in the end all is well since it is obvious that we also make the effort to “fork” our way through the words that were said, pick up those issues that were valid and to learn from them. Having sifted through the words, we would realize where the other one is coming from, what his views and issues were. That’s when the understanding follows and the real “meeting half-way” begins. Often, it is not an easy process but we are getting there. In the end, it’s all about the love really. As I said, the personal ghosts we had to contend with had been with us since childhood. They are not that easy to shake off. That is why “relating” to each other would sometimes prove to be a “struggle.” While not always, there would be times when our differences would come into play and would often boil down to a conflict. And everytime that they do, it makes the relationship less “beautiful” and difficult to handle. This is where the commitment comes in – the commitment to stay despite all that and to work things out somewhat. It’s not always easy to “fork” through the “angry” words that were said during a fight. More often than not, it’s the “hurt” borne out of these words that lingers and not the issues that are being aired. That is why it is not always easy to be more “objective” than “subjective.” It’s a lot easier to “nurse” the hurt than to face the issues head on. But then again, which is more important?

Ah, being married is not a bed of roses alright. I’m learning that everyday. But guess what? I’m enjoying every bit of the ride as of the moment, even when the ride would prove bumpy and difficult. Know why? Because I get to learn a lot in the process. I get to learn more about me, about life, about being married… I also get to know more fully the person whom I chose to share my life with… and I get to grow in the process… getting me closer to the unfolding of my own truth… What could be more fulfilling than that?

Morning Bliss

Opened an eye and then two
Looked up to the heavens
Whispered my gratitude for another day,
Another blessing…

Then I turned to look at you
Still sleeping peacefully at my side
Stifled an impulse to reach out
But you stirred anyway

Turning to me with those sleepy eyes,
You do the reaching out
Engaged me in a hug,
Starting the ritual…

Whispered good mornings,
Exchange of smiles,
Then the quiet conversation begins…

Hmm… nothing quiet about the exchange of words but with the contentment those morning conversations bring, the word “quiet” comes to mind… For there is definitely that sense of calmness, of stillness… as if everything is aligned and well…

This morning, I prayed for the two of us. I said it in Visayan for his benefit. I was surprised at being able to express what I intended quite well. For someone with an English-tutored mind and whose medium of expression had always been in English, that was indeed quite a feat. And I told him so. I told him that with him, I learned to do just that. Then he countered by saying that with me, he had learned how to love… That rocked me to my very core. Even now as I sit here, I still get very much affected, remembering that little exchange… And now, the ability to truly express what I feel escapes me… But gratitude definitely is one of the things I’m feeling at the moment. Gratitude for life and the many blessings it holds…

Long-Distance Relationship

Nope, I’m not talking about mine and B’s temporarily being apart as of the moment. First and foremost, he’s already home since last Saturday, just in time for my being discharged at the hospital.

Yup, been in the hospital last week. Had a severe case of hyper-acidity that apparently led to another case of PTL. Translate that to – Pr-term Labor. The funny thing was, I didn’t know I was having PTL. I just attributed the pain and the weakness to the hyper-acidity attack. The good thing is, little B’s heartbeat proved to be steady and strong. He’s being monitored by the hour and hearing the steady heartbeat was somewhat reassuring. He sure is hanging on there quite well and I am truly grateful.

I’m still feeling somewhat weak and lethargic even as of the moment. I feel exhausted and tired. The advice had been complete bed rest but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do just that. On my third day in the hospital and I was already tearing at my hair out of boredom. There was TV and all but even that was not enough to quell the restlessness I was feeling. I was very eager to go home. On my second day, B was able to find a signal and contact me. I didn’t want to inform him lest he would worry. But I felt he ought to know too so I told him I am in the hospital. I was firm in telling him though, that he need not worry and go home since I’m fine. I assured him that both of his B’s are fine. I told him too not to worry lest he would not be able to concentrate much at work. And at the rate that they are doing – enduring the rain and all – I didn’t want him distracted. It could very well mean his safety.

But I should have known nothing could keep him away from coming home. I was waiting for my doctor’s advice, fully dressed up (making it clear that I was dead-set about going home) when the door opened and there he was smiling sheepishly. Even without his backpack, he still very much look like he had come from the mountains he-he-he. But it was still lovely being able to look at his face finally. I scowled at him and asked about his work. He reassured me that everything is well and that his guests will spend the remaining days in Samal instead. When I told him he shouldn’t have bothered to come home, he smiled sheepishly and told me he had been waiting for the slightest excuse to come home. He had really been terribly homesick since their third day there and no amount of assurance could have kept him away.

Being apart had taught me a lot of things. For one, it tore me away from my dependency dramas he-he-he. I found out I could very well go home on my own, look for my own food when hungry, buy vitamins on my own, etc. etc. I could manage all these things without having to rely on him… While I’m still looking for the “comfort” that being fussed over brings, I feel humbled at being made to face that, dependency dramas notwithstanding, I could very well stand on my own two feet.

But it is not this kind of long-distance relationship that I have intended to write about in the first place. I just realized that somewhere along the way, I have distanced myself from one of the most important relationship I’ve ever had – that with my God.

Last weekend, adhering to the bed rest advice, I laid in bed most of the time. To while my time away, I read some magazines and books. At one point, I found myself being glued to the television, watching MTV. It’s one of those segments wherein they feature some local artist or band. At that time, they had on Barbie Alamabis. During the show, she would sometimes talk about her relationship with Him. She exudes nothing but positive vibe. I recognized the feeling. I identified with it. There was once a time I had exactly been like that – so in love and so awed by Him that you simply can’t stop yourself from sharing how He had created such an impact in your life. When she sang their new song, “Buildings,” my heart was totally wretched. It dawned on me that somewhere in the pit of my being, I am nursing a longing and an emptiness so big. At this point in my life, I am having a “distant” relationship with my God. Oh, I still go to church though not as frequently as before… But it’s the “connection” that I miss more than anything. If before, the relationship had been so established, right now, I could not claim that it is… I don’t know. Maybe the chasm is being created, and is becoming bigger everyday, by my not being able to attend prayer meetings for months now… Oh, how I yearn to go. Every Friday, I would dress up in the morning with the intention of going but something would always come up. Either that or I have no one to accompany me. Neither B nor Mama is keen about going and in my present condition, I couldn’t very well go on my own.

If B’s absence had made such an impact, for sure it is nothing compared to the “separation” I’m experiencing now. While I still nurture a great love for my God who had never failed to sustain me, it is different still, somewhat. Just as every relationship, in order to truly nurture it, it needed some semblance of “togetherness” where the persons sharing the relationship are spending some time together, exchanging thoughts, ideas, love… I long to profess again the love I have for Him, to tell Him how much I appreciated all the things He has done for me. He had given me the desires of my heart, even before I knew they were what I truly desire. Everyday He sustains not only me but my love ones as well. Every night, while I lay in the cradle of the one whom He had gifted me with, I can’t help but be grateful for all the contentment I’m enjoying in my life at the moment. I long to feel the familiar stirrings again, when my heart would sing and soar at being in His presence… It’s difficult to express really. It’s something that I know not everybody could identify with…

Missing B

It's been more than a week. I've been getting by fine even without him. The first day had been the hardest. It was tough facing the end of my day at work without him showing up so we could go home together. Seeing each other at the end of the day had been a ritual we had closely adhered to, even early on in our relationship. We had kept at it even now. That first day, my tears fell like rain hehehe I couldn't help it. It also did not help when he texted me right on the time he would have fetched me to inform me he had already arrived at their destination. He was texting me his usual reminders -- not to walk alone, take a ride in fetching Mama, etc. etc. It made his absence all the more glaring.

But after that first day, I had managed to get on by quite fairly. Work kept me busy and I try not to think of him when it's finally time to go home. It's being at home that sometimes proved to be tough. The house just seemed too empty without him...

Ah... miss you B. Hope everything is fine at your end. Ingat lagi.

Blowing Kisses in the Wind

Blowing kisses in the wind,
Hoping they'll find their mark.
Blowing kisses in the wind,
bidding them to travel the distance
that separates me from you.
To hold you,
Watch you while you sleep,
Touch your hair and smoothen
them back from your temple,
mouthing good mornings,
exchanging smiles,
a quick hug before sluggishly
rising out of bed,
shared laughter,
quiet conversations,
Your hand touching mine,
all these would have to wait...
So for now, I'm blowing kisses in the wind,
knowing they'll hit their mark...
Blowing kisses in the wind,
knowing you'll feel them too...
Ingat ka rin lagi, B.

He's Leaving Me

I lay beside him, already in my office get-up, trying to fight back the tears... At the other side of him are his mountaineering stuff and supplies -- some neatly piled up while others are thrown haphazardly about. I was giving him last minute reminders, running through my mental checklist of what he should be bringing with him in his 15-day "mountaineering engagement."

It would be the first time since we got married that we are to be separated for this long. Oh, there were several weekends when he had to leave me for similar concerns but this is to be the longest yet. And it just occured to me that this is the first time that he's going to a climb without me. Preparing our stuff and supplies used to be a shared responsibility and activity. We usually would have to decide what goes into my bag and his. The heavy stuff goes into his (hehehe)while the lighter ones goes into mine. But I do have my share of carrying our supplies too. I usually would be allotted one or two kilos of rice along with the other lighter grocery stuff. Still, his bag would be much bigger and would stand towering over my much smaller backpack. Ah, those were the days...

I reiterated to him that I've already prepared his shoes, his mess kit, etc., etc. I insisted on his bringing with him the little supplies I've put together. Being semi-vegetarian had always posed a problem. We usually would have to bring our own supplies and groceries since we couldn't impose on our meat-eating friends to adopt a semi-vegetarian menu for the entire duration of our out-of-town trips and climbs. Lately though, they have made some allowances for us thus reducing the amount of vegetables he would have to carry with him hehehe. He told me I need not worry since he was informed that the group he will be with will be adhering to a no-meat menu. I still insisted, telling him he could not take any chances. There are, after all, no grocery stores in the mountains.

With reluctance, I stood up to leave. Any minute longer and I would be late for the office. I tried to appear nonchalant. I know it's difficult for him also. He had been dubious about going on the trip since he thought it too long. But then again, business is business. And he had to go. If I would give in to the tears, I know it would be difficult for him to leave too so I forced on a smile. He had his own set of reminders too for me -- not to go home late, be with Mama in going home as much as possible... He reminded me to attend the meeting for the Kayaking club on Wednesday... And most importantly, to take care of "ourselves" and no "laag" while he is gone. He told me he will be texting me. Well, there is indeed some signal on some parts of the trail. I know this for a fact, myself. I told him not to forget to pray constantly and that he take care of himself too. I asked him to make a little prayer of "request" when he gets to the peak for our "little project" come November or December :) Haay, I'm fighting the tears, even now. I miss him even now. Good Luck B. Hope you'd enjoy your stay there somewhat. Say hello to that great mountain for me. I miss being in her midst, myself. Take care always and Godspeed.

Love on the Long Haul

I'm borrowing the above title to today's edition of the Daily Devotional, which is an off-shoot from the famous book, "Purpose Driven Life." Today's devotional talked about marriage and comparing that of Jesus' marriage to us -- the Church -- his bride. It pointed out that with us as His bride, Jesus somewhat got shortchanged for all our flaws and imperfections, not to mention our tendency to be unfaithful to Him through our actions... It also pointed out how today's marriages seem to disolve at the least possible excuse. A little problem encountered and the couple call it quits. That easily. The devotional went on to say that even the best of relationships go through some difficulties and trials...

I am remembering all of these since just a little while ago, taking a little breather from work, some officemates and I got to talk about marriage. Well, lately, I had often gotten teased and is often the butt of joke being the "newly wed" in the office. It is a usual scene to have an officemate or two "scaring" me by telling me some "horror stories" about being married. This afternoon was no different. We got to talk about jealousy and infidelity. It was actually just all fun. We were teasing an officemate who had quite a jealous wife. And as expected, the conversation turned to me. I was asked if I am the jealous type and whether I have reached a point where I quarelled with B or another woman out of jealousy... Everything was just light-hearted conversation, nothing malicious or anything. But it sure had me thinking when someone said that B and I would certainly be undergoing such trials. I immediately rebuked the person but it sure had me thinking.

Every night, when I pray, I always include a little prayer that He protect B and I from any form of temptation... I am observant enough to know that temptations indeed abound and that many marriages have been shaken and broken because of it. It would be hypocritical of me if I'd say I did not have any such fears... I do have them. But deep down, really, I don't entertain such thoughts. Oh, I do have some qualms everytime B is out travelling somewhere. Aside from fearing for his safety, I also fear whether he would figure out in some "fidelity tests" while away from me. And yet, seeing how we are to each other, somewhat erases such doubts. I don't know what awaits us in the future. All I know is that at this moment in time, I could honestly say that we have such high regards and love for each other. I don't see also any point in living constantly in fear of something that is yet unknown and have no certainty of ever happening...

Getting married is indeed different. And it is not helping when you get other people telling you what to expect out of it or what horrors to expect you have to face in some distant future... As for B and I, we're taking it a day at a time. For the moment, we're still treating each other as friends, as buddies, like we used to. Oh there are adjustments alright but there are good moments too. Like how nice it is to finally be waking up next to each other. Or of having to watch the other sleep, not quite believing we're finally sleeping next to each other... It brings forth a feeling of contentment...

Contentment. I often got a glimpse -- from observing my married friends -- into the truth behind why marriage is being coined "paglalagay sa tahimik." Living it firsthand now, I am beginning to understand it more fully. Horror stories notwithstanding, getting married has more than its share of merits. Quiet conversations, moments of self-discovery and affirmation... It is love on the long haul alright... It is taking your love for each other on a much deeper level. Everyday, these days, I get to learn more of me in the area of loving, giving, making adjustments and some sacrifices... I'm learning about how deeply still I could feel and give for the persons that I love...

Letter to my Little B

Busy. Nanay is busy and with many concerns yet. And I mourn the fact that you have to come at a time like this. How I wish I could just sit still and revel in this experience, Anak. For it truly is a wonder, your being there, of my body nourishing another being which is you. It seems hard to grasp that all of a sudden, there you are, growing steadily in my womb. And I want to give you my utmost attention, to communicate with you, to tell you that I “feel” you and that I am grateful for your coming into my life. But as it is, there are a lot of concerns that needed my attention at work, Anak. The projects I’m handling are having some difficulty taking off and it needed all of my attention… And there are other concerns too…

Ironically, I couldn’t do any traveling too, which could have greatly helped me address the problems at the project site. But I could not, since “our” doctor specifically forbid me to do any traveling – for your sake. It seems Anak, you’re such a delicate baby. And I stand to lose you if I do not take care of myself well.

Well, Anak, nanay is such a workaholic. Work is my life. It helps me define who I am. It is not helping that I find so much meaning in what I do. That is why I am so used to giving the most of me into this job that I have. When you came, a lot of things changed for me. First, my body changed. My energy level seems to have somewhat lessened. If in the past, I had so much enthusiasm to tackle my work, I became quite lethargic. As a result, Nanay is now faced with a lot of catching up to do. Ah, so much to do and so little time to do it with. And I’m torn between wanting to bury myself in work again and simply wallowing in the experience of having you.

 At the moment, I am asking myself if I could have both – dedicate myself to work and at the same time, enjoy my experience of you. Ah, I smile now at having to face this question even now. I know that the more it’ll be difficult when you would finally be born because by then, I could not just trust that my body will take care of all that you need, as long as I just eat and sleep on time, take my vitamins and follow our doctor’s advice. As it is, I haven’t been eating and sleeping well. Nanay seems to have difficulty adjusting to the changes in my body. When you would finally be born, your needs would be immediate and you would entirely be dependent on me. I know that the dilemma I’m facing now would be doubled by then…

Little b – your Tatay and I call each other B and we both regard you as our little b :)– having you had set a lot of things in motion in Nanay’s life. All of a sudden, Nanay had to do some adjustments and some changes. There were a lot of decisions to be made. And I’m having difficulty learning to strike a balance between all the things that I used to value in the past and you. I pray that you won’t take it that Nanay is sorry that you came. Far from it. The only thing I’m sorry about is that I could not devote all of my time with you. Having you is an experience I would have wanted to revel in with such passion. Nanay have several passions in life, Anak – work, the mountains, nature, writing… life in itself is Nanay’s passion. That is why I find it ironic that here you are, an experience that is more than life itself and yet, I could not enjoy it fully because of the other concerns I have…

Having you, partly scares Nanay, Anak. Since I wanted so much to make everything right for you. If it is inherent in Nanay, to give her best at what I do, the more I feel that I ought to be the best for you. But Nanay is also not perfect, Anak. I know that time and again I would be committing some mistakes, err in some of the judgments I may be making. At the moment, Nanay is still learning a lot of things about myself. I am still very much in the process of my own becoming.

 Everyday, Anak, Nanay is learning to find herself, learning to strike her balance as she learns to tread the path towards her own perfection. And here you are, another being I would have to be responsible for also. Please be understanding, should Nanay be less than what you expect her to be. I don’t know what made you chose me and your Tatay to be your parents. I don’t know what strengths and weaknesses you have seen in us that you believe would be instrumental to your own becoming.

Nanay and Tatay, each of us, have some sets of learning in life, Anak. We hope to impart them with you in the future. But please understand that we are individuals too, each of us have our set of issues to deal with. Our past might greatly affect how we will be bringing you up, Anak. So please be extra understanding. One thing is clear though. Nanay and Tatay love each other well. Out of that love, we had made a choice to experience life together. Then you came amidst all that. We look forward to sharing that life with you. In Nanay’s case, I look forward to discovering myself amidst this new experience.

 I love you, Anak, more than I could fully comprehend. While I could not promise to make all things right for you, please bear in mind that all the decisions I would be making, would always be in consideration of you, and out of the love that we have for you. I pray that you, Tatay and I may have a wonderful life together. May we always be devoted to helping each other achieve each of our own good…