Saying Goodbye

Hmm... another one of the group is leaving town. First it was Suzette. Then it was Joanne. Now, it's Bambie. I guess that's how life really is. People come and go in your life and everything changes. But while the leaving is causing a bit of sadness, it is also a cause of joy -- knowing that the friends you hold dear are moving on towards their dreams.

Godspeed Bam, may you finally reach your goals and find the happiness that you truly deserve. May you find someone who would celebrate more monthsaries with you until you would have to celebrate anniversaries as you grow old together. You're such a generous, kind person. I know God will return the favor a hundred fold :)

Though you will be sorely missed, we let you go with good wishes in our hearts. Just hurry up in fulfilling your dreams and come home join us in one of our trips again. Come back perhaps... two years from now... and let's explore Boracay together. Or maybe Sagada and Banawe this time... Even Ilocos or down south in Zamboanga. Wherever...

Let us all pursue our personal adventures individually and come again together to have an exchange of all of our stories. I could hardly wait for such a day :) God bless, friend. Bolo and I are wishing you all the best :) Thank you for the memories and for all the fun we've shared. Let's share some more adventures someday :)



"Adventuress" Bambie -- TNF model hehehe

The Lesson of Nang Ruth

I remember being such a mushy child. Well, I guess I have always really been emotional. I remember some moments in my childhood (actually even in my early adulthood -- which practically means...err... now?), when I would see some news about certain poor families undergoing certain misfortune and I would grow emotional about the whole thing. I would then begin to ask why God did not just create everyone equal. Or at least made some lives more comfortable than they are.

But as I grew (both physically and in my thinking), I began to understand more fully that each one of us really has a role to fulfill. I began to sense that whatever circumstance surrounding each of our existence are necessary "ingredients" to whatever it is that we stood to represent in this tapestry called life. Slowly it dawned on me that each of us have a "message" or a "statement" to deliver in this world and that such a statement is made complete by everything or by the circumstances that surrounds our entire being.

In the process my questions also changed. I no longer question God's wisdom. For if there is something I learned early on, it's that God's wisdom is unquestionable. My questions then leaned towards -- "What is this 'seemingly-despicable-person' at the moment in my life trying to tell me?" "What is the message/ lesson am I not getting here?" "Why did learning about this person's misfortune affect me so?" "Is it because it is hitting on an issue I have about myself?"

Slowly, I found myself valuing persons in my life for what they really are, for what they represent. It is always a challenge and even a struggle but I try to look past a person who hurts me so into the underlying truth the whole situation is telling me about myself. Oh, there had been times when I have been the target of some ridicule or another, of some malicious intrigues. Instead of reacting, hurling the insults (often lies) back at the persons perpetrating them, I always step back, and see where they are really coming from.

I mean sure, I'm only human and I certainly get hurt in the process and thus the need to retaliate or at least to defend myself. And yet, I see the value of putting everything in the right perspective than in wallowing in the pain I was feeling. It is a Herculean task, mind you. But I know it is also the only way I could really grow as a person. I couldn't afford to be petty. I'd be losing the lesson I ought to be learning from the situation if I give in to my need to be petty. And the lesson I think is more valuable than anything else, including pride. Because, being petty really is just an attempt to salvage one's pride. And where is the value in that?

Ah, but I am digressing here. I intended to write about how persons in our lives always come at the right time to teach us a lesson or two. And I had intended to write about one particular person -- Manang Ruth -- who had taught me a valuable lesson about... well... success... about earning it.

Manang Ruth is some old friend of the family. If I get my stories straight from what I learned from Mama, Manang Ruth and her family used to help Mama Fely when she was in her lowest moments. That would make it some time around the late 60's.

Now, Manang Ruth is this bent lady who may just be around 50 years old but look way, way much older, in shabby clothes who would appear out of a blue on our doorstep on certain afternoons. And everytime she shows up, we readily knew that she needed something from us. There were moments when we would feel a bit irritated everytime she showed up. Especially around the time when we are also "temporarily-out-of-cash" because, it meant we would have to share the little we have left with her.

Truthfully though, Manang Ruth evoke on us more a feeling of gratitude than anything else. Gratitude that we are at the giving end than at her end. For sure, it must have taken all of her energy to come and to ask for help, short of begging for it. I know, she herself doesn't want to be in such a situation. So who are we to feel irritated or to look down on her? Besides, it's not as if we give her several hundreds everytime. We, ourselves could only afford so much.

Her greeting would usually be to ask if we have coffee and if she can have coffee. Often times she would offer to wash the dishes for us or to give us some body massage (which she is very good at, by the way). And then she would ask if we could spare her some change for her fare back home, which is not much really. Sometimes, her need would be more than just fare money and that would amount to a bit more.

I don't know what is it with her but even if we have very little cash, we will still extend our help and give her the little we have left. Often times we see her not taking the tricycle ride (to save the five peso fare) even if we will give her enough money to cover it. She would walk all the way to the kanto which is quite a walk really.

Manang Ruth has a flair for words. She's so quick at stringing words, coming up with poems (in English! mind you!) that there are times one would be amazed at her wit. Her shabby appearance however curtail whatever admiration that should be due her. So, because of how she looked, she is often perceived as someone not quite right in the head everytime she would launch into one of her poems or declamation piece. Well, she does indeed look funny but if one would really listen more closely, her diction is actually correct, making one guess that there is more to this person than just her shabby appearance.

It was on December 24 that I learned about her story. She came just when I was about to tackle pile upon pile of pots and utensils that Bolo and I used for our pasta project. When she offered to help me clean up, I was more than glad to accept.

She again went about her usual dialog about not having anything for Christmas, and about needing money, etc. She cited another story for what she needed the money for but I wasn't really listening. I have just gotten so used to it already.

We were talking about breastfeeding when the conversation turned towards her attempt at continuing her college education despite being a mother and nursing a few month old baby. She told me her husband knew of her potentials and thus was adamant about sending her to school after they got married. She told me they met when she was fresh out of high school. She told me she just graduated from Assumption then.

Assumption huh?! That certainly got my attention. She then related to me how she competed in regional spelling bees, in quiz bees and won. Somehow I had a hard time connecting the shabbily-dressed woman, helping me with the dishes, to the person she was telling me about. She then said that if any of her classmates would see her now, for sure they would not believe that she had come to the state that she is now.

Manang Ruth had already gone -- a hundred peso richer and bringing with her some of the food we had at home then -- but our conversation was still very much on my mind. I find it hard to reconcile her current state to that of her "glorious" past. I grew sad actually, sad to have known that for someone who have started out with so much potential, she only ended up in such a sorry state... I mean, certainly, anyone would ask what have gone wrong?

Right then and there I grasped the lesson Manang Ruth had given me. Sometimes, it's so easy to grow slack and so sure of one's self when you are right smack in the middle of a comfortable life. More often than not, it's so easy to think that life would go on as smoothly as it should and thus affording ourselves some excuse to be lax and "untrying." That is why it is easy to shrug away a mistake or the urgency to commit to one's becoming, to developing one's self on the excuse that there is always tomorrow to do that. But what if tomorrow never comes? What if by tomorrow you are not as young as you are? What if by tomorrow the opportunities that you are enjoying now would no longer be around? What if tomorrow comes too late?

Oh, I'm not saying that one should panic and overwork oneself to the bone. I'm not saying that at all. All I'm saying is that no one really knows what tomorrow could bring. Everything that may come so easy to us now may not come as easy a few years down the road. One of the things that Nang Ruth's life had taught me is that success could not be had even if you have an IQ equal to that of Einstein. (I read somewhere his IQ was not remarkably high and above the average, true? so citing Einstein here is not necessarily a good idea, huh? Hehehe Couldn't think of another genius though. Bill Gates? Is he a genius? Ah, but I think I've made my point somewhat hehe)

I learned -- Success is something you work at everyday, with everything you have. And I'm not saying success here is just equal to amassing wealth and attaining financial independence. It is success in every way -- in becoming the best that you can be, in fulfilling your dreams, your goal, no matter how minute it might be compared to other's humongous ambitions...

Oh, I too dream about being successful. I dream about having a comfortable life, being able to send my son to a good school, being able to travel, having a quiet life and enjoying life's little pleasures with my family. I dream about reaching my fullest potential, being the best that I can be, finding myself, being able to make a difference...

I'm asking myself, what am I doing now to achieve just that? Am I doing something at all? Or do I take life as it comes? Trudge through everyday in an aimless manner? God help me. I certainly am praying for focus...

Post-Entry: Baby's First Hair Cut

Dec. 19, 2006
In Some Obscure Barber Shop

Since a lot of people seem to point it out to us, we had intended to have Baby undergo a hair cut. Others say it will make his hair a lot thicker than it is. Well, I must admit Baby's hair is a bit... well... weird. In some parts, it is really long. For the most part, however, there is hardly anything there. So it was suggested to us to have his head shaved so that it would grow more evenly after. So off we did.

I was due for a pedicure anyway so off we went to the parlor. We had intended to have Baby's hair cut there but they would not do it out of fear of hurting Baby. We have probably consulted 5 parlors that day but no one would take him in. They all suggested that we go to a barber's instead. And they were right, we were not refused.

It was a bit weird looking at Baby when he finally had his head shaved. He appeared "matured" to me, but still cute nonetheless hehehe Spoken like a real Mom, huh? Mama said she liked it and that it suits Baby more. I guess she's right huh?

Baby Turned One Year Old!

November 18, 2006
Dencio's Restaurant
Theme: Cowboy and Indians

This is long overdue. But I'm glad I'm able to post this now. Yup, Baby turned a year old already. We've been like waiting for it for the longest time that it was such a joyous occasion when it finally happened.

The preparation was a blur altogether but I think it was as equally fun and memorable as the actual day itself. I was on a trip two weeks before Baby's birthday. We were in Cebu. By the time I got back, I already started on my new work. Very early on, I was already entrusted with the responsibility of conducting a training and I only have a week to prepare for it. So much as I want to concentrate on planning Baby's first birthday party, I hardly had the time to do so. It was very much on my mind though while I was preparing for the training and doing multitude of tasks.

When I got back from Cebu, Candy and Dane was kind enough to accompany me to the "right" places -- where party goodies can be bought. We went to several shops and practically sniffed every shop in Chinatown. Both being experts on holding birthday parties (in Dane's case, coordinating whatever party there is), they showed me where I could buy cheap but really nice toys and goodies for the pabitin, for prizes and for giveaways. They coached as to what goes into holding a children's party and what are the things to be considered. They also helped me check out some possible venues. It reminded me so much of our moments when I was still preparing for my wedding. (Thank you guys =) Truly, appreciated it.)

But it wasn't until two days before the party that Bolo and I did some serious shopping for the party. That was when we bought the toys, searched for some of Baby's still needed accessories for his costume. The theme was "cowboy and indians" and we are still lacking the cowboy hat, boots and err... holster :( But really, God is good since when we were out buying the stuff we needed, he came across a friend of his who readily lent him the hat and the Timberland boots that his son outgrew. Nice huh?

Even upto the last minute, Bolo and I were still busy preparing for the pabitin and the pinata.
It was something we enjoyed doing though :) Thankfully the party went on smoothly... errr... there were some glitches like we had to help the staff at the venue fix up the room since they were not yet prepared when we got there. Below are some of the pictures of the party.

Baby's First Word

Guess what's Baby's first word? Nope, it's not even Nanay or Tatay. Well, even before, he was already able to string along "Ma-ma." But he has yet to completely say, "nanay," even "tatay." He calls his father, "Ta-ta" which is appropriate I think considering his Tatay and I share a nickname (talk about being soulmates huh? hehe). He calls me "Na-na" and his grandma, "O-la" which is cute really.

As to his first word, it took us all by surprise really. I let Mama watch him while I did the dishes. They were in her bedroom and I could hear them playing. When he uttered the word, "am-byie-ya!" I heard him quite distinctly. I also heard Mama's exultant laugh. I rushed to where they are and Mama related to me what happened.

They had been playing. As usual, he was messing with Mama's stuff in her headboard. To keep him from falling off the bed, Mama got some of the stuff, laid them on the bed, and blocked his way to the headboard. He was playing with the stuff for a while when he probably got bored and started to head towards the headboard again. Mama blocked him but he continued reaching out for something. Mama asked him what he wanted when, probably out of frustration also, he muttered the word while at the same time pointing to where the umbrella is.

Yup, "am-byie-ya!" means "umbrella." How's that for a baby's first word? hehehe Pretty unusual huh? I remember how we all laughed at the incident.

Ever since he was very little, Baby had always been fond of umbrellas. I couldn't count the times when we would be outside malling or eating in a restaurant when he would notice an umbrella at the neighboring table and would readily reach out for it. If we're bringing our umbrella with us, he would insist about holding it. That is why I would often ask him, "What's with you and umbrellas, ha?" So maybe that is why even early on he already has association with the word :)

If these pictures are not enough to illustrate his fascination with umbrellas, I do not know what else will :)

Little Feet, Little Hands

Something really cute happened today. I arrived home from work real tired. It's not because I was real busy at work. Well, I was, having to rush a budget for a project I'm working on and having to contend with a real slow internet connection. I attributed the tiredness on the weather though. It's been raining all week and it is making everyone lethargic. All of that evaporated, however, when I reached home.

As usual, B and Baby are upstairs so I have to wait awhile before they go down and open the front door for me. Ever since Baby was just an infant we already had this ritual -- I wait by the door, Bolo or the yaya would be going down bringing Baby along. They would be peering at me through the stairs. Baby would squeal the minute he spots me. Sometimes I would have to call him. He would then turn to me with his beaming face that never fails to tug at my heart, evaporating my tiredness in an instant. They would then disappear from my view as they pass through the kitchen to open the front door for me. The highlight would be Baby holding out his hand to me, and my engaging him in a tight hug.

This afternoon that routine changed. B put Baby down by the kitchen door and told him to open the door for his Nanay. And he did just that. Though the screen door I saw him wobbling and traveling the distance towards me. When he reached out for the lock and opened it himself, I was definitely floored. Pride and joy filled my being I felt like exploding with it. It was the best greeting I've ever had yet... Then it hit me -- my baby sure is growing up fast... But there's not a hint of sadness there. If anything, I'm looking forward to witnessing Baby's development. Everytime he does something new, manage to do a task by himself, I felt as if I won the lottery or something. It is always a joyous occasion.

Sugar-coating and the Unfolding of One's Truth

It's 12:22 AM but Bolo and I just came in from watching a movie. It's been a while since we were able to go on a "date." We watched "Kasal, Kasalo, Kasali," which is a romantic comedy. The trailer looked funny enough and I've been having friends recommending that I see it.

Well, the movie was funny. Some part of it gave insights on what married life is like. Still, living the life firsthand I could say most of the things presented in the movie are exaggerated (of course! It's fiction, after all). Still it drove home the point that marriage is a "union" of two different individuals with different backgrounds trying to make "being together" work despite the differences. It talks about commitment and making choices.

There was this scene in the movie that I truly found funny but at the same time also struck me. I think the reason I thought it funny was because I identified with it. In the scene, the two main lead (hubby and wife) were trying to resolve a conflict between themselves. They agreed to talk out their issues. The hubby then brought the wife to a restaurant to do just that. It turned out that he brought her to the same restaurant where they got engaged. The girl made an issue out of it. She chided the hubby, accused him of staging everything by bringing her to the restaurant. The hubby's response really threw me :) He said off-handedly that the girl is so full of drama. He said that he did not bring her there for anything other than the thought that she might want to eat some Hototay soup.

Full of drama. This might be an "ungender" thing to say but women do have the tendency to be so over-dramatic. Even I am guilty of that. I tend to put in so much meaning in what is really just an ordinary, mundane experience. This is most specially the case when it concerns romantic relationships.

Putting in much meaning on something where there should be nothing at all. Oh, I'm guilty of this alright. I think I conducted all my relationships from high school up until early adulthood in this manner. Well, truthfully, I think even my present relationships. I am guilty of putting much meaning for every situation I find myself in.

Ah, there's this particular experience that I'm remembering. At one point in my life I had become greatly infatuated with someone. Sure, that is normal and everyone passes through such stage. But hey, become infatuated with someone I haven't really met yet? Well, I met the significant other in the whole wide world of the internet hehe I met him when "chatrooms" are at its earliest phase, when very few could only understand what "asl," "lol" and "roflol" means hehehe Hmm... I guess there is really nothing "normal" about that huh?

Oh, I've seen it happen to others and I guess it's not really as weird as it sounds. All I'm saying is that what fed my infatuation -- I kept at it for three years? on and off? -- was my tendency to put in so much meaning when there is really none in the first place.

That the guy and I shared the same passion on certain things, I took that very strongly. When his emails would somehow "answer" the questions in my emails when they are still well on their way to him -- I definitely did put in so much meaning into that. All the littlest of circumstances I placed in the label of "destiny," of serendipity. It was no wonder I was so infatuated like crazy.

Oh, but this is not to say that I felt sorry all those things happened. That part of my life is something I still value for the reason that there were indeed "beautiful" conversations shared then. That and the fact that it made me get to know myself better in that light.

Back to the issue of putting meaning on things... I guess there is really nothing wrong with that. I mean, it is better to give something some meaning than to look at things and life in such a bleak manner. Yet a part of me also believe that of course this is wrong. It is wrong because it is also tantamount to fooling oneself. And with that there is that degree of "untruthfulness." What the heck, it is being untruthful, period. And truth could and should never be compromised... Especially so if it has something to do with oneself.

Being true to oneself is the one gift -- if not the ultimate gift -- you could give to yourself. I mean, the whole world could go ahead and fool you but yourself? I think, more than anything, we owe that much to ourselves. And yet a part of me disagrees... Because sometimes it is a lot nicer to look at life behind rose-colored lenses. Life seems more interesting, more beautiful that way... And life is harsh enough in itself (sometimes) that it is "good" if we allow ourselves a little dose of indulgence... Still, there is danger in that you know... Especially so if it will compromise your very being.

Reading on too many meaning on things is really tantamount to fooling oneself, making oneself believe there is so much value on something when there is really nothing there to begin with. And indulging in the habit, if one would really look at it more closely, would be like stalling one's own becoming. I mean how can you grow if you are not able to look at things truthfully? If your understanding of situations is colored by your own romantic, dramatic inclinations?

I believe things happen for a reason. I believe persons come into our lives because they have a message to deliver. Either that or they come because we needed a push towards certain directions. If we are to "misread" everything because of our inclination to "sugar-coat" then how can we truly appreciate the real value of every situation and of every person? The real value that would propel us to the right direction of where the unfolding of our own truth is concerned?

I mean, sure, these are harsh words. I find them harsh myself. Why? Because "sugar-coating" is like being drunk, you know. And sometimes there is bliss in momentary intoxication. But I sit here and I think, I have to be faithful to my core values -- no matter how difficult it could be. Because at the end of the day, nothing really matters but the truth -- my truth. And it all boils down to choices really. I know that what would give my life meaning really is reaching my own becoming. And the choices are -- I could do it the shortest, possible, often-more arduous way or the longest (could often lead to being lost and losing sight of your goal) way there is.

Oh, I sure still am a long way to go where this is concerned. So Father God please help me.

Happy New You! (New Year)! Happy New Me!

Here's the continuation to the entry below. It is an almost blow-by-blow account of the "drama" Bolo and I participated in over the Holidays. It partly details the "argument" I mentioned in the previous entry...

When Bolo came home the day before (December 31st) without the crabs, I was fine with it. But when he started showing me the shorts and excitedly telling me he's going to give one to that person and another one to that person, I felt somewhat neglected. Especially so when he told me he did not bother to go looking for crabs because his money would no longer be enough since he bought all those shorts first. Drama or not, I certainly felt "overlooked." And I sure did have a hard time swallowing it.

I pointed out to him, there were certainly some friends I wanted to buy gifts too at that time. But I prioritized him and family over them. I bought my present for him and family first. When my money would no longer be enough to buy those other persons gifts, I accepted that. I mean, my issue wasn't so much on the gift-giving. I do not begrudge him his generosity towards other people. I am generous, myself (it runs in the family:)). It's his "overlooking" me quite pointedly that was quite difficult to accept. I mean I wouldn't have minded if he handed me "white rabbit" as a token. He knew that. I take little pleasure on the monetary value of things. It was always the "thought" that ranks high with me.

This afternoon, I'm not sure if he was trying to appease me or to amuse me, but he excitedly showed me a pair of pants he bought me. Yeah, funny huh? I think he was really aiming to appease me since he tried to devalue his previous gesture to those "other" persons by coming up with a pair of "long pants" for me and not just "shorts." So it's like, "Look B, you're more important to me than them because I bought you long pants whereas I bought them only shorts!" Ingenious of Bolo, huh? :) Real funny too. I was actually amused by the whole thing but of course I did not show him that hehehe Feeding my drama, I took one look at the pants and told him it would not fit me. His face sort of fell the next instant, I was kicking myself for being so ruthless. But I must admit I was more high on my drama than in my remorse hehehe

But he was really trying to make it up to me, his every gesture towards me reek of it. I know he was realizing some things also and learning about relationships in the process. I was tempted to up my drama to a higher level but I realized there was really no point at being that petty. Seeing that Bolo finally understood my issue and my point was certainly more than enough. So what's the use of feeding the drama?

Ah, I did learn a lot from the experience though. I learned (again) how petty I could become really and how I take delight in feeding my own drama. I realized too that Bolo really values me otherwise he wouldn't have tried that hard to make it up to me. This reminded me of the conversation we had post-Christmas. I was pointing out to him his tendency to prioritize other people over us, his family.

I have always been big with traditions. I can't help it. I grew up in a family that was big on that too -- that puts emphasis on rituals, on tokens and gestures... In the course of our conversation, he wondered at how he could have forgotten how his father and his step Mom often fought about the same issue -- misguided priorities. He was like amazed at finding himself doing the very thing he used to dislike his father for. Amazing huh? I mean, the same thing could also be true for me.

At that time Bolo apologized for not paying much attention to the tradition. He then very quietly told me that it's because they did not have that in the family too while he was growing up. My heart reached out to him really but I also pointed out that being so, the more he should also try not to do the same thing to his son.

Bolo is such a receptive person really. He is quick at learning his lessons and realizing his mistakes. But I guess old patterns are not that easily shaked-off either. It is like a second skin to most people. Even I am guilty of that in some aspect of my life.

It is the new year. It has also been a tradition for me to find myself journalizing what the past year has been like. As it is, I have yet to set aside a time to do just that. But one thing is sure though, even as I sit here writing this, I have already partly achieved that task.

Ah, I sure still have a lot to work on myself. This makes this year no different from any other. Just like any year, this year I will continue at working on myself, finding myself, striving to become a better person each day...

Retro-Entry: Baby Walked!

What a way to celebrate the new year -- Baby walked today! It was such a special moment for me when Baby started walking towards me, unheld, not holding on to anything, and hardly wobbling at all!

Bolo and had quite a misunderstanding (hehehe what a way to start a year huh?) While we were having the argument, I felt tempted to play along with his drama. As usual, there was the temptation to be selfish and be childish too. Hmm... on second thought, not really. I was more intent on having him understand my point than anything. I know I succeeded when he toned down a bit. I did not wait for his reaction though. I left him, went up and proceeded to set my working space in our room in order. He left soon after that.

So for most of the afternoon there was just Baby and I. When he woke up, I gave him toys so he would play while I did some chores around the house. It wasn't easy as he loves to meddle with what I do than play with his toys. But I manage to distract him a bit to make me accomplish some tasks.

Because of the argument, I was really feeling low. In fact, for all the childishness in me, I was contemplating of ways how to "communicate" to Bolo my disappointment. In other words, aside from getting myself preoccupied with the house chores, I was also allowing myself to be preoccupied with wasteful thoughts. I was running over my head some scenarios (translate that to: drama) I could do to "show" Bolo he was wrong and I was right. Really, remembering all that now, I am regretful of how much energy I wasted on such a mundane thing.

Being subconsciously "preoccupied," I'm afraid I was giving only half the attention I normally give Baby. So when he started playing with me -- beaming at me with that mischievous look on his face while he experimented with taking more steps on his own -- I was somewhat detached than I normally am.

Normally, when Baby would attempt to take a few steps without holding on to anything, I would certainly die a thousand deaths in fear. I am always nervous about him falling and hurting himself. So instead of giving Baby the free-hand and be encouraging... Well, in truth, knowing what I know, I always try to be encouraging and yet I had a hard time containing my fear too. So I'm like encouraging one instant and then always on the look-out for Baby stumbling or what. So there is really nothing encouraging about that.

For a long time I had been like that that Bolo and I even talked about it. I shared with him my concern that our fears must be communicating itself to Baby that is why instead of continuing with his attempt at taking steps on his own, he would suddenly sit or crawl out of fear.

But that afternoon it was different. Being distracted with my thoughts, I was not able to pay much attention to my fear. So I was down pat encouraging to Baby. And boy, oh boy, how well he responded. I was feeding him at 4 PM while I was having a late lunch myself. I was sitting just outside our bedroom door. Bolo hates having our bedroom reek of anything especially food smell, thus my position. Baby on the other hand was holding on to side of the bed while "walking" back and forth. It's like a routine of his since he was 6 mos old that I think nothing of it already. Then quite suddenly he let go of the bed sheet and took tentative steps towards me on his own! All the while sporting that mischievous smile as if teasing me.

He first took two steps. That did not surprise me much, though I was still pleased about it. He had done that before. But then two steps became three, then four, then five... When he took seven steps straight I was downright drowning in my excitement hehehe It is an exciting moment. And he did it again and again. Going towards me, take a spoonful of his food that I offer and then walk back towards the bed. The whole thing amused me since it felt like I was training a dog with my rewarding him with food everytime he manages to walk up to me on his own. Amazing, huh? =)

Then Bolo arrived. I was still smarting from the argument but I was also half-pleased that he came home quite early. His greeting -- "I've looked everywhere but could find no crabs" -- was like music to my ears hehehe Actually, I felt slighted when he came home the day before with shorts instead of the crabs that I requested him to buy. It wasn't so much the shorts that was the issue. It was his prioritizing other people over me. But that's another entry altogether hehehe

Vegetarian Pasta, Anyone?

Bah! Guess how Bolo and I spent the 24th of December? Cooking, that's what! :) Nope, not for our own consumption!

Long before Christmas is due, I've already decide that we will just buy some cake, wine,and probably cook a little pasta if we are in the mood for it. It turned out, we got six kilos -- yup, six! -- of pasta orders. So Bolo and I practically did not sleep on the eve of the twenty-third just to get started on the project.

Vegetarian pasta -- well at least the kind that Bolo and I love to prepare -- is a very tedious job. This is so since we prepare the sauce from scratch. We make use of fresh , ripe tomatoes. In order to translate that into sauce for the pasta, one has to boil it in water for sometime, peel the tomatoes and run it through the food processor.

To make it more delicious, 1 kilo of pasta is equal to 2 and a half kilo of tomatoes. So given 6 kilos of pasta... you do the math and you could imagine how much work goes into preparing everything. And boiling the tomatoes is just but the first step in the entire process of coming up with the sauce.

Hmm... I'm not complaining though. In fact Bolo and I had fun preparing the whole thing. I felt excited about the whole project when the orders came in. Part of it is because we're earning from it. It is extra income and of course that is always welcome. The real reason for the excitement though was the shot at "advocacy" the project is providing me. It felt good knowing that some households will be eating meatless pasta because they will be having vegetarian pasta instead. That I saw Bolo real excited and pleased with himself at having cooked something really delicious (they all say so hehehe) is also an added bonus for me. It was fun seeing his beaming, albeit tired face.

But it sure was stressful though hehehe We've been cooking the pasta for several times now that we feel that we could do it in our sleep. We were not able to anticipate though that 6 kilos is 6 kilos. It meant roughly 15 kilos plus of fresh tomatoes. Even if we hardly had any sleep from the night before, it wasn't enough to make it to Dane's 9 a.m. deadline. (Sorry, Dane hehehe) We sort of wrapped up everything at around 11:00 a.m. Every time Dane would ask us if we're already through, I feel as if my blood pressure would shot up hehehe But we survived it fine and was pretty satisfied with the outcome.

Holiday Rush

Just came in from rushing for groceries. Luckily, Gmall's having a midnight sale otherwise, we would have been forced to do some last minute shopping. We could have done it a lot earlier but there was just Bolo and I. There were tons of laundry that needed to be taken cared of and a whole big house to set in order. We wouldn't have had this problem if our former housekeeper returned as she promised.

Baby was showing some signs of catching some cold but we had to tag him along with us. After all we couldn't just leave him at home like a rag doll. As expected, the grocery was full of people and the most crowded aisle? Yup, the ones that had the pasta and the accompanying ingredients. As in! I had to leave Bolo and Baby with our cart so I could swim through the crowd of people to get what we need. When we were almost done, Bolo and I agreed to start queuing up for the cash registers. Bolo left me and Baby on the line while he did some few more rounds of getting some last minute items we had neglected to consider earlier.

Rush. Ah, but this week I haven't really been doing that much rushing. Except yesterday when I had to rush to three banks just to encash some checks and pay my credit card bills. This week I have been truly enjoying a Christmas break from the office. Cool huh? To have some Christmas break for ourselves. I feel truly blessed. While I still brought home some work, I've been enjoying some afternoon time with Baby and Bolo either fooling around or watching DVDs. Ah, the DVD player sure been been burning this week especially last night and this afternoon. There are two or three DVDs I've bought but haven't gotten around to watching. I feel blessed to have had the time now. But I am truly grateful for the time I have to be with both Baby and Bolo.

Earlier, I can't help but feel contentment while we all lay in bed watching DVD. Baby's head had been nestled tenderly on my tummy and I could sense he's also enjoying being with both his Tatay and Nanay. Ah, family life could sometimes be such a... difficult experience? But it sure has its rewards too. Like having those moments when you're feeling you couldn't ask more from life...

Pancakes for Breakfast

Our bed, which is next to my computer is littered with liquidation documents of all sorts. As it is, I'm trying to sort out everything. Trying to make sense of everything. Haaay there's just too many attachments needed to liquidate a disbursement even if it would only amount to as little as 200 pesos. Now why is that? Haaay I could write a whole account on the matter -- disbursement and liquidation under government bureaucracy. But that could wait for another day. After all I did not want to begin my day writing about my woes.

Very early on I was already busy working, even steeling myself against the wailing of Baby wanting some attention. It's urgent that I finish this now so we could send it out later. This is long overdue after all. I'm not bemoaning the fact that I had to do such a tedious job at an early hour though. It is after all, partly my fault, having neglected to do this a lot sooner than now.

But enough of work. I wanted to write about how grateful I am this morning since while I was going crazy pouring over the documents, B came in bringing with him some pancakes, syrup and milk hehehe Sure did make up for everything. I always loved pancakes (in colloquial term -- "hotkeyk") in the morning (in the afternoon, at night... hehehe) especially if there's syrup to accompany it with. But what I loved about it this morning is that it was prepared by my other half without my having to tell him to. I love knowing that I'm loved :)

Thank you B for treating me to another one of your "fireworks."

"Hardworked" and Loving It

Well, I think sleeping real late is becoming a habit lately. It's now 2:31 AM and here I am, haven't slept a wink. I just finished coming up with a budget for a training program slated for next year.

It was a proposal I sort of took over. So I guess you could imagine how that is. To me, it is always a lot easier if I write a proposal from scratch than trying to adjust one that someone else made.

To begin with, the idea isn't mine. Though I sometimes kid myself and think that I am, I'm not a "manghuhula" either. So in cases like these, I would usually spent ages just pouring on documents, trying to make sense of everything. After all how can I make adjustments on something I do not understand at all?

Ah, but I'm not complaining though. As it is I'm still quite wide awake. I guess I could even say some trace of adrenaline is pumping through my veins at the moment. If truth be told, I'm actually "writing" this entry at such a fast pace than I normally do. The words just came pouring in like rain...

I guess doing all those figures, as usual, is giving me some kind of a rush. Weird huh? hehehe Too much work and then feel the rush? I know I really should be feeling sluggish and tired. Well, I am tired. But I'm wide awake. I guess all those work proved to be some kind of an exercise for my brain thus this "rush-thing" I'm feeling at the moment.

Well, I guess I really just enjoyed being challenged. And having accomplished quite a lot -- being able to sort through an unbelievably, confusing document; come up with a very thorough, very organized work and financial plan -- I think I feel pretty good about myself. It feels good to be able to work out a challenge and conquered it. (That explains my penchant for solving puzzles too -- crossword, jigsaw, u name it...)

Preparing the WFP had been such a mental exercise. I could picture some parts of my brain gaining a few "muscles" for the effort hehehe I think the "exercise" had done me good -- must have improved my "circulation" up there hehehe

But I really should be sleeping already, circulation or not, everyone needs rest. So do I.

Thank you Father God for sustaining me althrough out the task. Thank you for giving me the chance to over-extend myself again and use some of the faculties you've given me. It feels good to have accomplished a lot. Khublei Mo.

Bolo

Hmm... the clock in the lower right corner of my monitor reads -- 12:15 am. I ought to be sleeping already but here I am staring wide-eyed into the monitor.

Earlier, Bolo really made me laugh because I was caught off guard when he asked if I heard what he was saying. He looked a bit dumfounded that I can't help but be amused.

Well, what's funny I think is that it is I who often had to ask if he'd been listening to what I'm saying. It's a given, men usually tune out everytime women starts to sort of nag or air our sentiments. Rarely do they ever listen. And then there he was saying a line that is usually mine. It's funny really.

Bolo recently had a tooth extraction. A molar. A big one. Yup, painful it was for him. I had to accompany him to the dentist. Well, it just so happen that this adventurous-seems-to-be-scared-of-nothing, big "boy" is afraid of doctors and hospitals. I recently found out it extended to dentists also.

While he had his tooth examined I stood at the sidelines listening as he threw several questions to the dentist -- is it going to hurt, how much is the whole thing, etc. Like a coach (more like a rooting cheerleader) I reminded him not to be nervous lest he would feel the pain more or something like that. I told him he'd better just close his eyes so he won't see the stuff that would go into his mouth i.e. the needle hehehe But apparently he did not close his eyes at all.

I know Bolo well, I knew how scared he must be of the whole proceedings. After a while, I noticed that he seemed pretty composed and relaxed that I was a bit surprised he's taking everything so well. So I sat in the corner and read a magazine. When he's through and we were already out, I asked him if he ever felt any pain. He said he did. I told him I noticed he does not seem scared at all. And his rejoinder was not something I totally expected. He very casually said, "Because you're there." That was enough to melt my heart right through hehehe

Even at the start of our relationship, Bolo had always been open about his feelings. He's not the type who would hide what he feels and pretend everything is fine when it is not. He's pretty expressive too for a guy, which is quite refreshing really. He's not your usual rhetoric, big-with-words, poetic type of guy. When expressing his feelings, he expresses them simply, plainly. Surprisingly, it usually had more impact than big "romantic" (often-not-the-truth) words. I guess that's it really. His simplicity imply truthfulness. And it is something that the heart readily sense and understand, thus the impact it creates.

Ah, I'm learning more about Bolo everyday. And I must admit it's not always the case that I like what I see. There are even times that I find him quite despicable hehehe There are times he really is so infuriating I totally lose my patience with him. But I know deep down, Bolo really has a pure heart. He's pretty much like a diamond in the rough. In his rawness, he could also cause me pain. Yet underneath all that jagged exterior lies his truest value.

Well B, we're definitely in it for the ride. Apparently we had survived our first year -- barely it may seem hehehe And since we had decided to embark on this journey together, we might as well make the whole experience worthwhile and make the ride as comfortable for the both of us as possible. As it is, we are still finding out how we're going to manage doing that exactly hehehe Merry Christmas :)

P.S.

Do continue saying that line you tell me everytime you wake up in the morning and look at me and I think we'll get along just fine bwahahaha! Btw, I think you're beautiful too my dear husband :) You have such a beautiful soul...

Simbang Gabi

Yeah, it's that time of the year again. Earlier Bolo, NC and I went to hear misa de gallo at the Ateneo. Of course :) Ever since college, I never really stopped going. Ah, except last year that is since I recently had given birth to Baby then. I remember feeling a bit empty last year for that reason alone. I guess it felt pretty weird not doing something you've consistently done for the past 10 years? Is it that long already? Hmm... perhaps even longer considering hearing misa de gallo at the ateneo had been a "habit" since first year college.

This morning, I got a bit of a shock to see the signs of age on Fr. Ocampo. Well, I've been hearing Mass on and off at the Ateneo and everytime I see Fr. Bob and the other jesuits of my college years with their age telling, I still get a bit of a shock. Which is weird really. I mean, why be shocked? Of course everybody ages. What was I thinking then? Everything will remain the way as it used to be?

Remain huh? Who am I kidding? Even the "old" campus is no longer the same. There's the imposing Finster Building to begin with, part of which was built on the old tennis court which figured largely on our first year in college. It was where we usually hang out during lunch breaks. I remember it's where Sean, Alex and I would talk about music on end, swap tapes... hehehe CDs were not even the "in" thing yet at that time hahaha

But ah, it felt good to be hearing dawn mass at the Ateneo again. Half the time I was expecting Alav would be turning up, or Nilo... Chris... Rex... Analyn.. Michael Hervas... the old gang who went to those masses those full four years... Those were the days and it had been really fun...

Back to the Finster building.. I'm not "begrudging" it in any way though. I am one of those who truly admired Fr. Finster when he was yet alive. He was one of those who had touched my life in so many ways. Him and his favorite song, "The Impossible Dream" had come to mean a lot of things to me. It had greatly influenced some of my choices back then. I think it is but just fitting that a whole building is named in his honor. It's just a bit sad though noting that what used to be a memorable place was obliterated to make way for some changes...

Well, I guess that's what life really is. Nothing ever really remains the same... Sometimes, even one's sentimentality could not prevent the changes to take place no matter how one desperately tries to hold on to the past...

Oh well, tennis court or not, I could still distinctly remember some of the moments we had had in Ateneo. I guess buildings, landmarks could indeed come and go... but memories live forever in one's heart. Somehow that's a comforting thought :)