Long Weekend

"Tita, I think, when Baby grows up, he's going to be the happiest man in the world!" China, Candy's eldest and really cute daughter quips at me. I smiled at her and asked, "Why?" She quickly responded -- "Because he is always smiling!"

That brief exchange certainly placed a smile on my face for the rest of the evening and everytime I'd remember the conversation. The kids had just spent the whole late afternoon and night together then. And looking back, it seemed that they were having so much fun together, Baby included.

It was a long weekend -- we had a Friday holiday because of the Kadayawan celebration and a Monday off, in remembrance of Ninoy Aquino's death. So by Thursday night, I was urging Candy to go watch a movie with me. We've been wanting to watch HP but never gotten around to doing it. But on the last minute Jeni texted and urged us to have pizza and pasta instead.

La Toscana is always a welcome treat. So we had a change of plans and enjoyed two kinds of pasta -- my favorite, Arrabiata and Pomodoro. We also sampled 2 kinds of pizza, one being Marinara with crab meat and shrimps on it which was really good :) At first there was just Candy, Jeni, Towi and I. Later on Bolo joined us just as the second pizza was served. Archie also arrived but just when we were about to go already.

We started a conversation over pizza -- initiated by Jeni about certain "arrangements" in her life. Owing to the fact that there is still so much to talk about and with Archie not able to enjoy the pizza at all, we decided to move the "rendezvouz" elsewhere.

And so we did. We moved to MTS and things started to become really interesting owing to a confusion brought about by a certain "5 + 1" promo they are having there. Right Kends? Wink, wink haha! Interesting indeed. The whole time, I was like kicking Bolo under the table and pinching him at his side hehehe But everything evened out when Jeni arrived after taking Towi home. The conversation miraculously turned sober and funny once again. Well, it also helped that Bolo's tongue seemed to have loosen up a bit after two bottles of...err...redhorse. So he was like making remarks and me trying my best to cover up what he just said hehehe It was fun though :) But I think what really eased the tension then was the chocolate oatmeal fudge bar that miraculously appeared at our table hehehe

Friday was the greatest though. By 5 PM, Candy, Jeni and I met for an "Ukay" rendezvouz. We've talked about it before and so owing to the free time, we finally managed to do it. When Candy informed me she was tagging along her two daughters, I was like wondering if she could manage that fine. It turned out I was the one who had difficulty trying to keep my "kiti-kiti" one-year old from being all over the place. But I certainly enjoyed seeing him having so much fun. Below are some of the pix we had with the kids playing around while we Moms are busy going through some "ukay goodies."































After a few finds, we opted to go to Victoria Plaza to continue our Ukay hunt and to meet up with Bolo who was manning a wall and a scooter activity area at the carpark. It was an Edge activity in coordination with Coca-Cola for the Kadayawan festivities. Anyway, we rode the jeep in going there. The whole ride saw China and Asia taking turns singing some of their songs from school. Baby was singing along too and showed off some of the "action" songs he knew. It felt pretty much like we were on a field trip something hehehe I was afraid that some of the passengers found us a bit noisy for comfort but we could see them smiling, obviously finding the kids' whole tirade cute. Well, who wouldn't? They're all cute kids haha! Spoken like a real Mom huh? :)

At one point Candy and I discussed how different our lives have become now. If before there used to be just us going around, now we have our little ones in tow which is cute really. It's fun watching our kids grow up and witnessing their own personalities evolving and taking shape right before our very eyes. I feel blessed that we have some opportunities to share experiences such as this with each other. It's good to note that the friendship we have shared in college extended to this very day and to our little ones as well. I hope these kids will grow up to be friends as well :)

Baby's First Fun Run

Since 2003, I've consistently participated in the Jollibee Family Fun Runs that is usually held every summer. I have t-shirts at home to prove it. I missed the 2006 run though since at that time I had just given birth to Baby and breastfeeding so I hardly could just flit off as I pleased.

I think that's ok though. I did not feel bad at all having missed it last year. At that time -- even now -- Baby always comes first :) But this year's run however, more than made up for it. Because, this year, it had truly become a "family" run for me. Baby ran along with me.

Err... I correct myself, I ran the full 3K length with Baby in my arms. Imagine that. By the time I covered the 1.5 K, my legs were groaning in protest haha! I fear an attack of the cramps. I'm afraid I might hurt myself and Baby as well. But, nothing of the sort happened. It was pretty tiring for my part though but I sure had fun.

Carrying Baby. Yeah, when we registered for the run, I was thinking I would allow Baby to run for a while only since I wouldn't want him really tired and stressed from the race. After all, we are only trying to expose Baby to the activity and not make a champion baby runner out of him. That, wouldn't be fun. It would be exploitation. Anyway, in the actual race however, Baby refuse to even let go of me. I think the crowd overwhelmed him. So I hugged him real close to me and pointed out to him some of the toddlers who were very happily running along. Some displayed signs of being tired though :)

Bolo and I had been really looking forward to this event. Last March, thinking the run would also be staged then, we even called up Jollibee when no announcements were being made. We were that eager to participate. We were actually looking forward to making it a big family event.

Bolo was so enthusiastic he would continuously urge me to ask when the run is going to be. He told me he had to know so he could still find the time to practice and to work out since it wouldn't be easy carrying a 10-kilo baby while running. Always the competitive, he said he had to be in real good shape for him and Baby to win hehehe Well, he did win before, that one time he ran with me. He placed third in the 5k male category, which is really something. I'm pretty sure he wanted to win again with Baby this time.

Ironically, he was not anywhere around us during the actual event. He had a prior commitment. He had to be at the climbathon activity EDGE was staging at Samal. He was urging me not to join. He said he worries about not being there lest something untoward might happen. But I was adamant about joining. We've been looking forward to it for so long. While it's very disappointing that it won't be as we first pictured it to be -- him racing with Baby in his arms and most likely winning -- I was serious about exposing Baby this early on. Especially now that he so particularly love to run about.

To prove further how competetive Bolo is, the night before the run, he texted me wishing Baby and I luck and his hopes that we would win :p And we did make a good time -- 34:45 -- which is not bad considering I had to carry baby most of the way. We received a card at the end of the race, our numbers and time were noted. However, Baby and I did not wait for the awarding anymore. We waited for a while but the whole affair took so long... And Baby...errr... did his "every-morning-thing" hehehe Luckily, the CR of the mall was already open so I managed to clean him up enough to make him eager to run about again, always urging me to go up the stage where the Jollibee mascot was :)

Anyway, it was truly a fun race. I love having Baby along despite making it extra hard for me. I'm looking forward to more of the same... Hopefully Bolo could get to join us next year. God willing... :)

Vegetarian Demo Cooking

The first time BK had a vegetarian demo cooking -- sometime last April -- Bolo and I both attended it. It turned out so well. Personally, I was very much appreciative of the fact that Bolo and I were in it together.

I've been attending BK activities, on and off, for the past five years. I took lessons four years ago too but never really came to finishing the advance courses. Work travels and eventually getting married and having Baby took its toll on me and my having time for myself.

I've been urging Bolo to join me in some of the activities but he was always dubious about attending. His excuse had always been that he is shy about talking in front of a lot of people. When I raised my brows at him, he pointed out there is a difference between being funny and jolly in an equally loud crowd; and sharing one's thoughts amidst a group of "serious" people.

But I was truly glad he joined me in the demo cooking then. Well, I must admit, he only said yes when I told him there wouldn't be any sharing taking place and that we'll only be there to learn about cooking. But really, he and I both love to cook, and learning new vegetarian dishes is always a welcome experience. So it did not took much cajoling for my part.

That time, we learned how to cook pakora, baked sayote, and vegetarian kare-kare. Pakora was simply sumptuous. Bolo however, took a liking to the baked sayote... The kare-kare was also delicious but we were not as excited as we do cook kare-kare at home.

A sharing did took place after we had our feast that followed the demo-cooking. We were asked to pick a "blessing" from a deck of cards and to read it aloud in front of the group. I was like giggling inside when Bolo threw me a horrified look. The funny thing was he was quick at choosing the front row thinking we would only be meditating. So it turned out he would have to read first. And as if the fates were playing a joke on him, he picked a blessing that has a very looooong description hehehe I certainly took pity on him and almost volunteered to read it for him hehe But he managed real fine. When we were out of the center though he was like poking me big time and accused me of lying about there being no "sharing." I told him I didn't know there was going to be any afterwards. Jeni, who also attended the session, was laughing at us big time. But she commended Bolo and assured him he did fine. All in all, it was a pleasant experience, something I will always remember with fondness.

Last Saturday -- August 11 -- there was another demo cooking. Bolo had to be at Samal for a climbathon activity. Candy, whom I had already invited to a previous BK activity, came with me. Jeni had a prior commitment too so she wasn't able to join us. But Candy and I were really excited about the activity and I was really glad I did not have to convince her to come with me. Well, Candy had always been a self-confessed "carnivorous." I think in her past life she used to be a lioness, what with her temper and all... hehehe joke! :)'Love you, Kends :)

It was again a pleasant experience with no less than Ms. Mila Teves teaching us along with Sister Shanti. Dishes prepared in that session were -- (1) Tofu Teriyake, (2) Sweet and Sour Tofu (Vinegarless), (3) Embutido, and (4) Spicy Eggplant.

The spicy eggplant was a winner so is the teriyake but I was excited about learning the S/s Tofu since it was prepared the natural way, without using any vinegar. And I might add it tasted so good too. Well, all four dishes were great, as expected. Recipes are as follows:

Tofu Teriyake

Ingredients:

Salabat
Brown Sugar
Soy Sauce (Coconut brand)
1/2 kilo Tofu
cornstarch

For garnish:
Sesame seeds
Mongo sprouts
parsley

Procedure:
1. Fry tofu and set aside.
2. For the teriyake sauce, pour 1 1/2 cup of water in a pan; Add 3 tbsp salabat, 1/4 cup soy sauce, 1 tsp salt, 3 tbsp brown sugar, and 3 tbsp cornstarch dissolved in water.
3. Cook sauce over low fire until it thickens.
4. Pour sauce over fried tofu.
5. Sprinkled with toasted sesame seeds.
6. Garnish with steamed mongo sprouts and a sprig of parsley.


S/s Tofu

Ingredients:

Ginger, red and green bell pepper, turnips, fresh tomatoes, green papaya, pineapple chunks, carrots, brown sugar, and cashew nuts

Procedure:

1. Slice tofu into strips (fish fillet cut)
2. Pour 1 1/2 cup of water in a pan
3. Add ginger strips, tomatoes, pineapple, 1 tsp salt, 3 tbsp. brown sugar.
4. Add the carrots, turnips, bell peppers and 2 1/2 tsp. cornstarch dissolved in 1/4 cup water.
5. Top with unsalted cashew nuts


Vegetarian Embutido

Ingredients:

Boiled Saba (grated), Magic Meat Flakes, pickle relish, vegetarian sausage, tomato sauce, red bell pepper - boiled and scraped from skin, salt, sugar, black pepper, cheese pimiento

Procedure:

Mix all ingredients. Roll in foil and steam for 30 minutes. Refrigerate overnight for best results.


Spicy Eggplant

Ingredients:

Eggplant, oil, ginger, siling labuyo, mustard seed powder, lemon, sugar, soy sauce, cornstarch, salt.

Procedure:

1. Peel eggplant
2. Slice in strips (quarters)
3. Fry in oil

Sauce:

1. Sautee ginger
2. Add chilies, mustard seed powder, lemon, sugar, soy sauce, cornstarch and salt to taste
3. Pour on top of fried eggplant

Keep Walking!

I so loved the picture above. (More at my roadtrips blog!) It's of the adventure race that Bolo and I very recently participated in. I am amused by the irony and the timing of it all :) But I also find deeper meaning in it. I think it is a reminder for me to keep on walking, to keep on living despite the many hardships that may come my way.

The past four months have been "terrible" for me. In May, there was my miscarriage. By June, I had several work concerns. July... I lost my only brother. By August, Bolo and I very nearly called it quits... I guess for four months I sat in a middle of a very big hurricane in my life.

A week ago, Jeni and I had a conversation over coffee. At one point I was sharing with her an insight I had about my work when she looked amusedly at me. Then she told me she was amazed to see me still standing despite the several blows I had endured the past months.

Her remarks made me stop and think. I realized, I had remained standing because not for once have it occured to me to let everything weigh me down. Not even once have I thought about just sitting in the corner and quitting.

Oh, the pain come in waves. Sometimes they even come unbidded... I would sit working in the office when a thought would come and then I would feel the tears coming...

But I guess giving up was never really an option. Now why is that? Because of the many roles I have -- being a daughter, a wife, a Mom (most specially) and even in the work I'm involved in...

There are just far too many things that needed my attention that I hardly had the time to just let life pass me by. So I keep walking... performing the responsibilities asked of me...

Life Goes On

Even when one is right smack in the middle of so much pain, life goes on. As if to prove this, the weekend following the internment of my brother, Bolo and I participated in a local adventure race we have previously registered to.

Bolo and I at some point were in dilemma as to whether we are going to push through with it or not. We were careful about hurting the elderlies in the family about being "happy" when everyone else was in grief. A part of me however wants to go ahead with it. I felt like by joining, by participating in a physical activity, I am doing my brother a favor... Like I was in a way, doing things he should be doing at his age...

Yesterday, Baby and I joined in a local fun run too. It was Baby's first. We've been waiting for it for the longest time. And so it finally happened...

So indeed life goes on. Even when you lose love ones in death, life goes on. Even if one is beset with so much grief, life goes on...

I surfed the net earlier for Nino's "sickness," his cause of death. I think I was trying to come to terms with what happened. I was and still trying to understand everything... I see it as my way of coping... I'm trying to come to terms with it cerebrally... So that somehow, the "knowing" could ease the pain I'm feeling in my soul... I miss him everyday...

I Will Sing

I Will Sing

Artist: Don Moen
Album: I Will Sing
Lyrics: I Will Sing


Lord You seem so far away. A million miles or more it feels today.
And though I haven't lost my faith, I must confess right now that it's hard for me to pray.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart.

I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.
I will sing. I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true. I will sing.

Lord it's hard for me to see all the thought and plan You have for me.
But I will put my trust in You. Lord will meet Your guide to set me free.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart.

I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.
I will sing. I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true. I will sing. (2 times)

Farewell My Little Brother

As I made my way through the aisles of the department store, I was fighting hard not to let the tears fall. The mall had just opened and we were among the first customers for that day.

We were shopping for Niño. We were buying his barong, his slacks and his undergarments. As we leafed through the barongs on the rack, I felt the tears run down my face. We were very careful in our choosing. We wanted nothing but the best for him. After all, that would be the very last we would shop for him...

I remember the last time we went shopping together, it was with Mama. We were buying him jeans. He was always picky with his stuff, particularly when it comes to clothes. So it took a while before he decided on what to buy. He wanted a more pricey one but I lectured him on the value of money…

I’m not much into shopping although once in a blue moon the mood would hit me and I would splurge. But that comes rarely and most of the time I splurge more on books than clothes…

Buying things for my loved ones though, that’s an entirely different thing. That’s when I truly enjoy shopping. It gives me so much joy getting into the shoes of those I love and hunt for things that I know they would very much like to have. Christmas, birthdays… they’re shopping feasts for me.

And Niño is among those whom I love buying stuff for the most. He is after all my only sibling, our youngest… In a way, he will always be a baby brother to me. It’s so easy to buy stuff for him as he has little wants. Also, I particularly like shopping for him because he does not make a habit of asking for stuff. He was picky with clothes though and in a way is brand conscious but he would never turn down something that is given to him. But I think, I like buying him stuff simply because he would smile at me every time I give him something. His whole face would lit up, making it obvious that he was really pleased to have been remembered.

Recalling all that now brings me so much pain. Because, I would never experience that again with him… How I miss my little brother… I miss him everyday these days. He and I are rarely together the past two years since we moved out of our Empress home. I already had Baby then and with our decision to breastfeed him for as long as possible, going all the way to Panacan during work lunch break and then back is virtually impossible. Thus the move. So Niño and I would only see each other every time we would visit there and for special occasions or on family outings.

Niño only has one passion – basketball. It was his life. He breathed and lived it everyday since he learned how to throw a ball into the ring… So sometimes, I would shop for some good basketball jerseys for him. The best I ever bought him was a Michael Jordan reversible. He also must love it since he wore it all the time, if he was not wearing his uniform jerseys, that is...

This year, as if we knew what is going to happen, Bolo and I always feel this urgency to give him something. During one of our visits at Empress, Bolo gave him his Sandugo slippers when he sensed Niño’s liking to it. When Mama informed us Niño wore it till it has holes, Bolo urged me to buy him a new one. At that time, we were on a budget. Baby’s immunization was due and it had always been quite costly. I hesitated about buying him the slippers. But I am thankful now that I gave in to Bolo’s urging.

Now, the slippers are at home. The pair was what he wore when we fetched him from Empress. Looking at them now, I am filled with a sense of gratitude. I felt thankful that in his last year, I was given a chance to pamper him a bit.

When we went home to Empress to get the necessary documents following his demise, Mama and I wept when we found the basketball shoes I bought him very neatly packed in its shoebox still…

It was a costly pair and it had cost me an arm and a leg. But at that time, Niño was just fresh from his separation with his wife. I knew it must have been such a painful episode for him given his background. Being adopted, I knew there is this longing for him to have a complete family of his own. Being jilted by his wife, I could only imagine how painful it must be for him. And so I was desperate to reach out to him and to show him that our love for him is enough to fill in the vacuum left by his irresponsible wife (Who showed up during the wake and the internment, btw, crying as if it is the end of the world. I’m sure she was feeling guilty and remorseful. But all that is too late now. She had caused my brother so much pain. She could not take all of that back.).

So, should Niño had asked me for the moon then, I knew I must have tried my best to be able to give him just that. I remembered Mama chiding me for spending such an exorbitant sum for just a pair of shoes but I shrugged at her. To me, it wasn’t the shoes I was paying for. I’m paying for the opportunity to be able to tell my brother I love him and that there are still a lot of people left in his life who loves him. And putting it that way, 4 thousand is way too cheap.

Recalling everything is breaking my heart to pieces. Until now, I still feel Papa’s loss. I still cry myself to sleep every time I remember him. The pain somehow is still fresh. So in Niño’s case, I knew I’m still in for a long haul… There will be tears alright… And I’m drawing my strength from God.

A friend chanced upon me at YM and expressed her concern over how I’m feeling. I remember telling her how everything I knew, the lessons I learned and the wisdom I always bring close to my heart flew out of the window when I sat there right smack in the middle of so much pain.

Oh, I’ve read enough books and taken more than enough lessons and have faith enough to know the afterlife is a lot kinder than our worldly life… But with my brother’s loss – who was only 26, still at the prime of his life and who still has a lot of issues to settle with himself and with his relationships with other people – I wallowed in uncertainty and confusion.

Oh, there was never a point wherein I questioned God and His wisdom in what happened. But I certainly found myself questioning if my brother would indeed experience peace in the after life…

I remember crying so hard one night while he was in the hospital. I was praying for his complete and speedy recovery. Seeing him in tubes, and lying seemingly lifeless in his hospital bed was a heart-wrenching experience. So I prayed hard, that he be spared from all of that and finally recover. I was begging for a miracle.

As if in response, the thought that my brother is suffering and will continue to suffer if his condition will be prolonged came to me as if in soft promptings. I cried harder after that. Because, suddenly, I don’t know what to pray for. Of course I don’t want my brother to suffer unnecessarily. But I thought about his issues. He still had too many unsettled issues. And God, he was still too young. What if his soul will not be able to find rest knowing he had still several scores to settle, that his daughter is still too young, and that he still wished to continue living his life?

These questions are what brought on the uncertainty I felt. For once, I questioned everything I knew about death and about the after life. Because, I want to be certain that by dying, my brother would be given a better deal… I want him to be in peace, and to cease suffering. He had such a difficult life. I want him to be given another chance to correct his mistakes and to rewrite the directions of his life. I want another shot at life for him so that it’ll finally be better and be more rewarding than what he had experienced in the past. I want nothing but the best for my brother. If I could have so much love for the other persons in my life, how much more so for a sibling? A family member?

Now, I’m praying that his soul rest in peace… I pray that God be with him now and that he be spared from unnecessary suffering in the after life. I think he suffered enough in this life time.

I love you so much, Nin. I just hope you know how much… Fare well, go in peace and don’t linger much in this worldly life… Don’t worry about your daughter or about us. If you worry because you were not able to tell us how you love us, don’t fret. Of course I knew you loved me. There’s this thing about family. One does not have to hear the words, it only has to be felt. And I felt your love for me and for Mama… so fare well my little brother… Go in peace…

Premonition

The following entry was saved to my blogger account as a draft. The record shows I drafted it on January 26, 2007 at 8:17 AM. That's exactly a month before his birthday and exactly 6 months before his demise...

I never came around to finishing it as work and several concerns took over... I remember being emotional the moment I sat down and decided about writing it. At that time, I thought about his life, our grown up years, my being strict with him... I remember being emotional and thought about how I missed him...

I intented to write about him, about his life, how he came to our family and how much I love him as my one and only sibling... I remember reluctantly giving up the chance to finish this particular blog. Bolo was urging me to change as we were due to go to church then. I remember thinking, I would again have to find the moment when I'd miss my brother to write this particular entry properly as I write only when emotions ride me. It would feel less truthful if I'd write about my brother just for the sake of finishing the entry... I even remember thinking in exasperation when I'll be able to finish it. I remember telling myself, hopefully not as a eulogy...


Ah... I shudder now as I remember all that... It seemed like a premonition to me... Well, I didn't know better... Who would have thought Mama and I would survive my brother? He's only 26 this year... Of course I'm thinking he'd have a few decades more to go...

"My Brother Niño"

Ever since I could remember, my brother and I had more quarrels than good moments. We're simply too opposite -- like day to night -- that it was difficult for us to really hit it off well. Well, we weren't that bad. There were moments when it is undeniable that we do love each other. But compared to the disagreements we had, there were only very few moments where he and I are really that expressive about how we truly feel for each other.

Yes, I guess that's it already. It's not really the lack of love but more so the lack of time and both our being "unexpressive" that is the reason for having more of the disagreements than the "loving" moments. But certainly and undeniably, we both love each other dearly. It's apparent in the look we throw each other, in the silent exchanges of words, in my buying him stuff that I know would make him happy, in his volunteering to watch over his nephew when Mama kid him about babysitting him while Bolo and I are busy with work...

I must admit, growing up, I was extremely jealous of my brother and the slack that our parents apparently provides him which is so unlike of the very strict upbringing I got from them. I guess it's more of the gender thing -- him being male and my being female. Well, my parents are old fashioned so I could hardly blame them for that.

As I got older though, losing Papa unexpectedly, and having learned so much from life, I realized nothing really matters but keeping all your loved ones close to heart. It's more important than having your expectations of them, met. And so I began to be more affectionate to my brother than anything. I still do nag him though, urge him to make something out of his life... But there wasn't much anger in the nagging anymore... It's a nagging not borne out of exasperation but of concern. So, there was definitely a distinction in that...

Sifting Through Information

The tricycle driver scoffed at us when we told him the CT scan costs four thousand. He said that is the first time he heard that such a “minor” procedure cost as much. He turned to us and said that his own Mom had been in and out of the hospital due to stroke and that all the procedures are familiar to him because of that. He said the CT scan entails being attached with wires on certain parts of the body and then be connected to a certain machine which will do the reading. I immediately thought that he probably mistook ECG for CT scan. In a know-it-all tone he told us CT scan will only cost around 150 to 200 pesos. Then he muttered under his breath, “Four thousand!” Bolo and I exchanged knowing looks and just smiled at each other.

After that he told us to go to the office next to the hospital entrance. He said it is where we could get discount for certain procedures. He said we only have to fill in forms there and then we could save a lot of money if we do that. He also shared with us other important information. While he was sharing all these, I sat there and said to myself, “These, these, are what I needed to hear.” I felt he was our driver then and not anyone else because of information that he had to share..

The experience taught me a great deal about having a discerning heart. Often times, we get to hear about certain things and we begin to feel bad and stop at that. Sometimes if we hear certain people talk about a person we readily assume what they said to be true even if we haven’t met the person personally yet.

I learned in the past how life and the universe give you exactly what you want and the answers to your question. That is why you have to be clear as to what your questions are and the things that you really want. Otherwise the answers could have slapped you right in your face and you just didn’t know it.

If I readily judged Manong driver to be ignorant based on the things he said about the CT scan then I also would not have learned of the other things that he had to say which proved really helpful later on. Sometimes a person had to open his mouth only once and we immediately make our judgment. Even I am guilty of that sometimes… Often times we had one bad experience with a person and we stop there, have him stamped and labeled as such as if he is not entitled to change and his own growth… I wonder why is that?

Ah, I’m very much fond of truth. Otherwise I wouldn’t have taken Philosophy as a course. We have this saying in college how difficult it is to love “Sophia” (knowledge, truth) but we love her anyway. And so despite the difficulty, of being misled at times, I still continue to seek for her, to yearn for her… to sift through layers demi-truth just to behold her in her purest form. (I’m talking shop I know hehehe but I’m sure philosophy lovers would know exactly what I mean…)

Given all the information overload in our world these days – and I meant “information” in every way and sense – it is quite easy to be misled and to close ourselves to further realities and truths. It is so easy to believe in one thing and to stick to it no matter what. We make judgments and we cling to it till the end of time. We tend to forget that life is ever evolving. Persons are always changing. And that we have a wonderful God who is constantly and patiently working on the good of each one of us.

Each one of us is a work in progress. I am a work in progress. That few persons who have hurt me just recently are also works in progress. So I certainly have no business feeling bitter and unforgiving. Doing so is tantamount to “not believing.” And I do believe. And everyday I cling to such faith. It’s not difficult to. How can it be difficult when everyday I feel His kindness even when I may be right smack in the middle of a personal battle and problems…

Thank you Father God.

Dios Mabalos

I sat at the back of the session hall. There was a lull in the sessions as the participants were having a workshop. Professor went up to me and sat beside me. Then he said, “Rodilyn-san, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for everything you’ve done for the project. I’ve been told everything sped up when you took charge of it. Thank you very much.”

I was speechless. I muttered an incoherent response, making light of my involvement for the project. I was never good at handling compliments. It always embarrasses me. I’ve read somewhere that such an attitude is not healthy as it implies having a low self-esteem. It said that being able to accept compliments well is an indication of self-confidence. So where does that leave me huh? :(

Anyway, back to that encounter, it came at the most opportune time. I came to the Legazpi training with a heavy heart. I wallowed in uncertainty. I was at a point wherein I was beginning to question my own abilities. For several months at that time I was made to feel inept. As if I do not know what I’m doing. I’m not sure what is it about myself that made them assume as such. Is it because I don’t have such a strong personality? Well, on the outside that is. But how many times have I proven that looks could be deceiving? I’ve accomplished feats no “weakling” could have done… Is it because I choose to remain quiet and do my own thing than be bubbly and  opinionated on things I feel I have no right to.  Nor, do I want to waste my time to give my opinion on (especially when it is about other people's lives). Is that it?

In short, I was at that time really running on empty. Fresh from the miscarriage, I am feeling a bit low, experiencing some mild post-partum blues. Well, who wouldn’t? Given all that I’ve been through and the lack of support I got from the persons whom I thought would understand most… But ah, I did not want to write about that. It wasn’t my intention at all to write about my angst. After all, truthfully, I’m way past feeling all that already.

I wanted to write about this phrase I learned in Legazpi that I fell in love with. “Dios Mabalos” is how they say, “Thank you” in Legazpi. Its literal meaning is, “God will repay…” It is meant as a good wish or a blessing bestowed on a person in exchange for a good deed received or for a certain kindness shown.

I think it’s a nice way of saying, “thank you” or of showing gratitude. It meant the act of kindness received was truly appreciated in that no amount of gratitude is enough and so the wish that God will repay the person for his/her kindness…

July is a special month for me since not only do I celebrate my birthday on this month but because our anniversary fall on this month as well. In other words, there are a lot to thank God for during this month.

Bolo and I went to hear Mass on my birthday. As I knelt down to pray, the above phrase came to mind and I thought, how could I say “thank you” to a God who is the source of all blessings? I thought, how could I say, “Dios Mabalos” to Him when He could hardly “repay” Himself for His own kindness...

Then it just came to me, it is “I” who would do the “repaying.” How I live my life -- to live it in such a way that would be pleasing to His eyes, -- would be my “repayment” for all the blessings He have gifted me with. I grow sober at the thought. After all, I am certain that not everything I’ve done is pleasing to His eyes.

For everything I’ve been through the past months, I’m not sure if the manner with which I chose to “react” to those situations would be something that would be pleasing to Him. For sure the attitude, the stance and the state of being I chose to face all those problems are far from being “exemplary.” I was bitter, remorseful, woeful… The result? I was unhappy like h***. So where is the “state of grace” in all of that?

One thing I’m realizing now is that how others made me feel at that point was my own choice and my own doing. They were just being themselves. Whether there was something wrong with how they were or how they conduct being themselves is something that is beyond me really. How I choose to react however, that, certainly is my sole responsibility… And looking back I know I failed dismally to be the best that I can be in handling the situation.

On the other hand, I also realize now that I too have to be kind to myself. Assessing the situation objectively, I think I have the right to feel the way I did then. I was made to feel insignificant. While I chose to feel that way, I did not choose it out of my own whim…

But enough of that. I declare right at this moment that I will not allow myself to wallow in the negativity of the entire situation. Instead, I choose to rise above all of it. I choose to remind myself that I’ve been through several hurts and I’ve survived past it all… I want to remind myself how I could not afford to let the situation be a burden I’ll be carrying for the rest of my life. Life is short. So short and I choose to live it the best way I can. I choose to live it being happy and feeling grateful than to allow myself to linger on every pain and problem that may come my way.  That would not accomplish anything.  It would only make me feel miserable. I certainly would want to choose to be constantly in the state of grace (If I could help it) than to feel constantly bitter or remorseful if others would do me wrong…

Dios Mabalos. God has been so faithful, so kind in my life. I ought to repay him back in full…

Anibersaryo

Bah! How time flies. Last July 9 Bolo and I celebrated our second year anniversary. Yeah, just the second year. So it seems we still have quite a few more years to hurdle before we get past the so-called "seven-year-itch."

We went to hear the noon Mass at St. Paul with Baby. Next, we went to the in-laws to see if you could leave Baby so we could watch a movie. It wasn't planned at all but we really wanted to see "Transformers" so we made a time for it. We're glad we did. It sure was a nice way to start our "celebration." It sure did lift our spirits up. As most of my friends tell me, it is indeed a great movie. So much so that well into the movie, Bolo turned to me to hug me and tell me that what a great anniversary we're having. Haha!

After that we went to pick Baby and Loren up at Wonderland haha! It sure is very expensive for us to watch a movie these days. It meant spending money for Baby's 3 hours stay at wonderland. We're not sorry though since not only does it buy Bolo and I time for ourselves, Baby also get to interact with other kids. We were expecting we'll find him quite "wilted" already after three hours but there he was in such high spirits. We were already on our way down the escalator and he was still jumping and shouting in delight. Hmm... he takes after his Tatay in that aspect. Being around people energizes Bolo. Baby seems that way too. In my case, it's the opposite. It usually tires me being around so much people especially if the occasion calls for me to interact with all of them hehehe

We had intended to have dinner at our fave Italian Resto but since it was too early yet for dinner, we agreed to eat over at Red Ribbon instead. Also, to treat Loren for being such a dear again and agreeing to watch over Baby for three hours.

By the time we were through at Red Ribbon, Bolo and I were not so eager for the dinner anymore. We're kind of thinking about Mama and Mama Fely waiting for us at home too. So we shelved the plan and thought about just bringing food at home. So we bought lechon. I know, lechon! Haha!

Bolo and I are always wary about spending our money for meat. Every now and then though we make the effort for the family. It turned out they also prepared some "feast" for us at home. They prepared fish for us. So Mama Fely kind of laughed when she found out we bought lechon.

After dinner though Bolo and I went out for the massage we both planned of having for that day. Kind of our treat to each other. Perhaps , to erase all the tensions and worries we had acquired after being married to each other for two years! Haha!

A lot had happened in the last two years... And I must admit they were not always good... Still, I think it's a blessing we've gone this far and are still together... And yeah, there were a lot of blessings too. We still get to travel every now and then and still get to do stuff we both love to do... I pray that more blessings will come and that there'll be more years for us to celebrate our anniversary together... Happy Anniversary B...

Mayon in the Twilight

With the first day of training successfully concluded, Juliet, Te Mameng and I walked back to our hotel feeling content and just a little bit tired. The response of the participants was good. The weariness, more than anything else, was due to the lack of sleep (in order to catch the first flight) and the difficulty sleeping in a new place.

Back at our hotel, we deposited our things and traded our shoes for slippers. Then we trudged back where we came from to catch the jeep bound for Camalig. It took some time for the right jeep to come along that we had to ask some locals if we could indeed take a ride for Cagsawa there.

Yup, Cagsawa was the desired destination that day. Juliet and I had already been there. The visit was more for Ate Mameng’s benefit since it’s her first time in Legazpi.

As expected, having to commute takes so much time. We had to snake through the streets of Legazpi and Daraga before we reached the highway leading to Cagsawa.

It was already late afternoon. The whole experience reminded me so much of the time I went to Miag-ao Church in Iloilo when I was feeling apprehensive about the fading sunlight and how it would very much affect the pictures I wanted to take. This time though, I was feeling less apprehensive. Pictures or not, I am just thankful to have the chance to see Mt. Magayon (as the locals call it) again up close.

There was a point in the busy streets of Daraga when there was a break in the buildings and Mt. Mayon showed herself to us in her full glory. Ah, how beautiful she looked, how majestic.

We where already on the highway when the landscape changed drastically. The buildings and the structures gave way to a big expanse littered every now and then with dead, leafless trees and destroyed, abandoned houses.

Juliet turned to me and informed me that an entire barangay was totally wiped out during a typhoon that hit the province following the recent explosion of Mt. Mayon and we’re looking right at it.

The contrast leaped at me. And I could not help but note with irony how something as beautiful as Mt. Mayon could also be a source of so much destruction.

When we reached the corner of Cagsawa we alighted and began our walk towards the “park.” The place looked desolate in the fading light. What used to be a populous area is covered with mounds and mounds of black sand – lahar. We had to pass by several “mini-streams” and had to cross a shaky piece of coconut log over a raging river that wasn’t there before, in order to get to the ruins. The belfry still stood there but the church ruins where we had our pictures taken before could no longer be discerned from the piles of sand that covered it.

Most of the nearby structures – canteens, inns and big houses lie deserted with their caved-in roofs hanging at the rafters. With the darkness creeping all around us, everything started to feel a bit creepy. No, it’s not really that. More like, there was sadness in the air.

The first time I was at Cagsawa, it never occurred to me that I’m going to see it again in this state. A friend in Legazpi pointed out to me that what happened to Cagsawa now in a way corrects history. She said that the history books stated that the ruins in Cagsawa came to be because of a great explosion by Mt. Mayon sometime in the 1520’s. But with what happened recently, the experience pointed out that having the whole town wiped out was not caused by the explosion itself but the surge of water and deposits from Mayon following a ravaging typhoon. And she’s probably right. Amazing huh? Indeed, life is cyclical… History keeps repeating itself…

Legazpi is a special place for me. Not so much because of Mt. Mayon but because I have come to love the place for all it represents. I’ve encountered a lot of people through the work I do. But the “Albayons” to me are among the happiest people I’ve met. They just laugh more often and always have a joke or two to tell. I think this is a special trait, considering all the hardships that they had to go through every year, being ravished by typhoons every now and then.

If I would bank on my belief of the law of karma then I’d say I might be tied to Legazpi in some “karmic” sense because here I am, drawn to the place. Never did it occur to me that I’d be frequenting the place to render some service of sorts. And yet here I am…

Whatever it is then, I hope to get as much learning as I can from my work in Legazpi and from the people I meet there. As it is I am already learning that the human spirit is pretty much like Mt. Mayon in the twilight – that despite the fading light and the destruction all around you, one can still stand strong and majestic, conquering all storms that may ever come one’s way. Just as the people in Legazpi remain happy and content despite all the hardships they had to go through.

Those that I work with are “development workers” as well. In Legazpi, “development work” entails having to rush to the aide of those affected by typhoons, Mt. Mayon eruption, flash flood and having to deal with victims from wiped-out barangays. I could not imagine the anguish that they might face and how these people could leave their homes also affected by the calamities in order to help others. And despite all that they still remain happy persons, with healthy, joyful countenance.

It’s a reminder to me and my tendency to be upset when things don’t go my way. Lately, I have not been my best self. I have so much expectations of Bolo as a husband. And when he fell short of those expectations, I make sure that he knows about it. I also make his life hell for a while hehehe hmm.. somehow I’m often angry these days, sometimes, even a bit bitter. Yeah, so unlike me.

I think I certainly have difficulty adjusting to married life hehehe That’s the only reason I could think of for being this way these days. I guess all the responsibilities overwhelmed me.

Marriage, indeed , is such a daunting “state of life.” There are just far too many adjustments that one had to make. Oh, it’s not all hardships of course but somehow it’s the “hardships” that leave the best impression.

I pray to remain beautiful inside amidst everything I have to face these days… I pray for focus and clarity of thought. After all, Bolo is such a beautiful person really. He makes me laugh with his sincerity and his “innocence.” Actually, come to think of it, it’s not his fault really if I have such high expectations. It’s my problem not his. And to give him credit, Bolo indeed tries so hard just so he could give me my whim which is just childishness really. Blame all of that to my romantic inclinations and wanting to keep that burning even if our relationship had already evolved past that.

Come to think of it, what more could I ask? Bolo still sneak up to me bearing long-stemmed roses on his back on special occasions. He would come home wearing that sheepish smile on his face, being pleased with himself to have found me a real nice “ukay” blouse. He would cook for me and my friends and do it without shoving it to my face that I owe him big time for that (unilke me hehehe).

Oh, paying the bills, sometimes being short of cash, and not being able to buy the things I want, are “unpleasantries” of married life alright. But I just would have to remind myself constantly that they are not all there is to what Bolo and I have. There’s baby of course, who’s the consistent neutralizer. His smile is enough to wipe all worries away.

Homesick

I made it to the interview and barely made it to the airport to catch my flight. Thank God! Now here I am feeling nostalgic and emotional. After a late brunch at 4:00 PM I loitered the streets of Legazpi to look for an internet cafe to download some important files I'll be needing when I stopped right at my tracks.

The buildings looked familiar... And then I realized, just up ahead is where Bolo, Baby and I stayed during my first trip here. In fact, the cafe I'm at now is right at the street next to the very hotel we were billeted before -- the corner of which is where Baby and I bid Bolo goodbye as he boarded the tricycle that would take him to the terminal. Unlike us, he would be taking the bus back to Manila. We were trying to save. There was a big difference between the bus fare and the airfare.

I'm remembering how emotional that night was, as well. Bolo and I were constantly texting each other. We were constantly reassuring each other and exchanging exciting messages about seeing fire sliding down Mayon's slope hehehe.

I miss my son.... so much... but I won't think much about him. Besides this is hardly the time to given all the things I needed to do for my task here and my job back home. There's no sleeping for me here...

Ah this is one of those days when I'd wish I'm filthy rich. That way, I could still get to do development work, feel good about myself and be fulfilled. At the same time, I could afford my husband and son's airfare and accommodation... What could be more better than that? To be able to impress upon my son my passion for development work? And to present him one option of how he could choose to live his life... Not to mention, I could get to do the thing I love most but not be separated from my family.

Family. Meaningful work. These are two things I value the most at the moment.

I miss you Baby, you have no idea how much Nanay wants for you to be here. I love you. This is the first time since I had you that I won't be sleeping next to you and it's breaking my heart to pieces...

Happy Father's Day B!

How Can I Not Love You? (Anna and the King)

How Can I Not Love You

Cannot touch, Cannot hold, Cannot be together
Cannot love, Cannot kiss, Cannot love eachother
Must be strong and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

Cannot trip, Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel, Must pretend it's over
Must be brave and we must go on, Must not say
Wat we no longer long

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

How can I not love you

Bridge:
Must be brave and we must be strong
Cannot say what we no longer long

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

How can I not love you
When you are gone...




Above is one of my favorite movies of all time. I chanced upon it while surfing Youtube for U2's "Stuck in the Moment" which I also like very much, by the way :)

This movie and the song reminds me so much of a particular moment in my life. I was just about to write -- "reminds me of a particular person." Upon deeper introspection, it's not really the person I missed or remember. It was the particular person I was.

Come to think of it, we often connote our hang-ups on persons -- on an ex-boyfriend, our parents, a lost friend, an enemy, a lover -- when what we're really having an issue with was the very person we were at that particular moment...

I have just come to realize that now while I was thinking of the person who reminds me so much of this movie and of this song. I was just about to think how I must continue to have feelings for that person when I stopped.

Being truthful to myself I realized it was not the person that I missed but the moment. More appropriately, I missed the person I was at that particular stage of my life.

I was... naive, idealistic, believed so much in magic and happy ever afters... I believed in fate, in serendipity... I believed in synchronicity and true love. Oh I still believe in all of those things. But there's a big difference when one is young and still not through certain harsh realities. Then, I believed in all of those things with tenacity, with a passion...

Now, being through relationships, being a wife and having faced the realities of married life, I look at "love" and certain things now a little differently...

So I guess it's a bit natural to miss those days when I do not know any better. At that time when I view life through rose-colored lenses. Somehow, then, everything was "romanticized." Even poignant experiences are regarded bitter-sweet. For all it was worth, I like the intoxication it brought me... Somehow, there was a purpose to the pain, disappointments were a lot easier to accept.

Oh, I still continue to believe on how there is a purpose to everything. More so now when I'm more mature and could be more truthful to myself about things than before. Still, sometimes it's so nice to think about the past and how simple life seemed...

For "You," thanks for all the beautiful conversations shared.... They meant more than you'll ever know...

At World's End

I feel pretty much that way these days with everything going on and so little time to do it with. I ought to be resting, following the miscarriage but here I am, busier than I was before the miscarriage. But as they say, I got to do what I had to do.

I'm sleepy. In fact I had turned off the computer following a futile attempt to work. I guess I really am just too exhausted to tackle anything about work. I was just about to doze off when I remembered the significance of the day. So I just got to blog about it.

Hehe well, it was really nothing. I guess I'm just happy that finally, after what seems like forever, Bolo and I managed to squeeze in some time to watch a movie. Yeah, it had been quite some time. It's either I had work, he had some other concerns, I got hospitalized, I had to rest, and the most likely reason -- there was no one to look after baby.

This afternoon though, Loren, Bolo's sister volunteered to baby sit so Bolo and I could squeeze in a few hours off. So off we went to the mall. Bolo and I to watch one of my favorite movie character of all time -- Capt. Jack Sparrow -- and Loren and Baby for some playtime at Sonic Boom and Wonderland.

Loren was truly an angel. On our way to the mall, she even texted the cinema's officer-in-charge and managed to get us free passes for the movie. Yey! hehehe It was exciting really. We even got escorted to the cinema and was allowed to choose our seats hehehehe It was fun.

Waaah! Capt. Jack Sparrow :) I could go on and on about the things that fascinated me about his character, the story line, the special effects, the fight scenes that we're beautifully orchestrated, etc. etc. I could gush on end about it hehehe I am that smitten.

I remember watching. "The Curse of the Black Pearl" twice in cinema. When it was shown on tv, Bolo and I even slept real late just to wait up for it and to finish the entire run. I also remember taking a half-day leave from work just to watch "The Dead Man's Chest" when Jeni urged me to watch it on spur of the moment. And now, I was finally able to watch its final installment.

The inability to squeeze in some movie time the past months made us pass up some real good movies we would have wanted to see. Not to mention pass up some opportunity for travel but that's another story. So when Bolo and I tried for three weeks and was still failing to watch "At World's End," I thought we're never gonna see it on the big screen. But lo and behold, everything worked out so beautifully. I only wanted to see the movie but what did we get? We got to see it for free and we got to choose our seats nonetheless hehehe Really, I feel so blessed.

Thank you, Father God for showing me again how wonderful you are. I feel so cherished to have you orchestrate so nicely even the littlest detail in my life. Truly, you leave no stone unturned. I'm so awed by you.

The Weekend

At 7:45 AM this morning, I was already facing my computer, finishing up the letter I was drafting last night, sending emails and making phone calls. Yep, on a Sunday. I have my misgivings alright, especially when I'm feeling some pain in my abdominals and lower back lately. But I'm not complaining really. I had to do what I had to do. I have just one week to prepare for a training I'm running and there are a still a lot of things that needed to be done.

It does not feel like a weekend at all. Saturday morning I was on a meeting too. In the afternoon I was back to facing the computer and fixing materials and sending e-mails. I capped the night by making online hotel reservations on the hotel for the Legazpi trip I'm taking this month also.

This weekend wasn't just all about working though. Actually, at 3:30 PM earlier, the whole "clan" were already headed to the beach for some bonding time. We had some kinilaw, sinugbang (char-broiled) fish and some meat, and fruit salad. Enjoyed some red wine too and some leftover Cadbury chocolates courtesy of Ate Gaga. At one point I thought wistfully about having some cheese too to go with the wine. But the company and the time spent with family more than made up for the "humble" fare we had.

I also appreciated the experience very much since it gave Baby the excuse to run and play for the entire afternoon. I thought he would still be a bit fearful of the water just as he was over at Canibad but I guess the presence of his other cousins enjoying the water made him want to join in on the fun too. So there he was, rushing to the coming tides and playfully scooping down some water. Several times he fell on his butt but he just continued playing. He sure was having so much fun that I was again sorry to not have a camera at hand. Yeah, it was very much unlike me to not have one. A cousin borrowed it and so I was not able to charge the batteries on time.

After we've cleaned up Baby and have him changed into dry clothes, he behaved for some time while I was feeding him the avocado he loves. I think its a good thing that he likes avocado. He sure could do with some source of fats. His milk being soya, he's pretty lean compared to other babies his age.

Soon after that, there was no containing him. He had a field day chasing after his soccer ball with his cousins even when it had started to get dark. Where they were playing was quite a distance from our cottage but it was surprising how he could find his way back to me on his own even in the dark. I think he took after his Tatay's gift for instant recall when it comes to direction. Thank God he did not take after me who's quite clueless in that aspect. Well, I think we have another "guide" in the making. I reckon, a few years from now and we have another "lagalag" in the making =) I'm not sure whether I ought to look forward to that or be fearful of the prospect hehehe

Julia Fordham

Yup, listening to Julia Fordham at the moment. My clock reads 1:38 AM. I've been feeling sleepy since 11 o'clock, I guess. But there are a lot of things that needed to be done. Just outside our room lies a heap of clothes that needed to be folded up and stored in their right cabinets and to think I've started folding up clothes by the time I arrived from my meeting. I only stopped to go down and eat.

Well, so far I've succeeding in neatly hanging some of my "training clothes." Some of Bolo's and Baby's stuff too. I've sorted out my "pambahay," my "for-the-office," and casual-wear clothes. I found out too that I have more clothes than cabinet space. Not that I've been acquiring much lately. Rarely do I find the time to browse and buy clothes these days. In fact, most of my blouses now are Bolo's "gifts" to me -- his "finds." Well, I must add that his choices are not that bad at all, except for those few times he brought home stuff that are either too loud for my taste or were ill-fitting. For the most part, however, he's pretty astute in his choices. It's like he knew full well my minimalist preference.

Hmm... looking back however, I now have plenty of t-shirts too, thanks to him. He's so fond of "climbing," sporty clothes and every now and then he would come home bringing me t-shirts and shorts -- mostly board shorts.

Anyway, how did my day went? Good, I guess. Went back to work despite my OB's two-month rest advice. I had to. I have a training from the 20th to the 23rd and there are a lot of things that needed to be done.

On that note, I guess I'd better call it a day. Better rest now, have another day of work tomorrow. Julia still croons and I'm reminded once again how I like her so much. Used to be so gungho over her during college. And every now and then I would crave for her voice. I had several albums of her in the past. But right now, the only album I have left is her "Collection," which is not bad at all. It is indeed a collection of all her good songs. Hmm.. but is there really any "bad" ones? =)

Ah, this song currently playing, "Porcelain," I really like and not just because it starts with the line -- "I am very much in like with you..." hehehe

I was about to post this blog when "Invisible War" played. It reminds me so much of my relationship with Bolo. Indeed, sometimes there could be just a thin line between love and hate. It's funny really how you could also hate so much the very person you also love very much. I guess it's really because of the vulnerability that loving so much brings. When you love, really love, somehow you leave yourself open and very vulnerable. Emotions are raw, and sometimes expectations run high too. It's no wonder it could hurt so much when these expectations are not met.

Ah, "Love Moves in Mysterious Ways..." Yeah, with my liking Julia Fordham so much, anyone can guess this was played during our wedding hehehe It's not our wedding song, however. Instead, it opened up the ceremony. Our entourage and sponsors marched down the aisle while the choir sang this in the background. I thought it a fitting scoring. Love indeed moves in mysterious ways. Never have I foreseen that everything would end up as it had and not as I first planned it to be.

Oh, there were plans alright. The planning took several years -- two, three years? And yet everything turned out differently. I still harbor a bit of a guilt for that particular aspect of my life. But only because I have no way of knowing if the other's life turned out fine as well... I hope it did... Indeed one could invest so much in making plans and trying to push everything as planned. Still, life could unfold in such a way that one could never imagine... And often the unfolding is good... It is always good no matter how it may seem otherwise at times... Because we have an orchestrator who is good.. all the time... Thank you, Father God.

Hmm..

My horroscope today reads:

Cancer: Pay special attention to the boundary between your home life

and your professional life.

It's solid,

and you need to make sure it stays that way today.

It's more important than ever to keep any problems that you're having at work

as far removed from your personal life as possible.

There's also a risk that a deepening relationship with a colleague

could have undue influence over a personal decision.

Beware -- this could be a problem.

I don't base my life and my decisions on what my horroscope says but this sure made me pensive...

Taking Care of One's Own

I think one has no business dreaming/ talking about making a difference, helping others, pitching in in development work if you don't know a thing about taking care of one's own. I think it is hypocritical to quote the bible every now and then, boast about one's regular attendance to services if you cannot be charitable to people within your own backyard.

Before, I used to be so wary of announcing to the world that I belong to a certain Spiritual community or that I attend regular worship service. It's not because I am ashamed of my God or ashamed that I'll be associated with such activities. In the first place, I feel blessed to have had such kind of relationship with my God so I don't see why I ought to be ashamed about it. In fact it is the other way around. The reason why I don't make such "pronouncements" is because I'm afraid I may just shame my community.

Establishing that close relationship with Him, the more I am made aware of my own weaknesses. As I get to know more about Him and His goodness, the more I know of my own imperfections, of my own brokenness. I know every now and then I would say or do things that would not only be unpleasing to His eyes but also to the people around me.

Ironically, it's not His wrath that I fear the most. It's other people's judgment of me. No, it's not even that. It's the judgment that may boomerang back to my community for whatever "falling short of perfection" that I may commit.

That is why sometimes I "envy" people who could talk so openly about their own spiritual practices, like how often they would go to Mass, or how often they do charitable works... I wish I could have the same zeal that they do.

Oh, but I'd like to correct myself. I do have the zeal, I just don't sing openly about it. Ah... I've said a lot of things here already when all that I wanted to say now is that I am hurting. I've been hurting for a long time even if I don't also speak openly about it. I am hurting because I have trouble fitting in. I am hurting because while I wanted to establish relationships, I often feel I'm up against a brick wall. It's hard when even at the onset it's been underlined time and again that you're on your own and that you do not belong.

Oh, I don't really mind not establishing the relationships. I'm fine all by myself. And besides, I'm really quite wary where that is concerned. Because, relationships matter the whole lot to me. Friends to me are not just pals. They're family, loved ones. To them I'll give all of me without any hesitation should the situation call for it. That is why I don't really always jump at the chance to "acquire" more relationships than I already have.

Still, establishing relationship is necessary with people you have common goals with. It is but only common sense to do so. Oh but yeah, I forgot, I am on my own and we necessarily don't share a common goal...

I am hurting because I felt I am shortchanged. I am hurting because I had had such high expectations from people whom I thought knows more about God's love and about translating it into this world. I am hurting because when at the time I was hurting I did not feel the slightest hint that they were hurting along with me. Kahit respeto lang man sana. All that they succeeded was in making me feel that I was worthless to them. Oh, I did not expect much like they would have to smother with flowers and all that stuff. A simple "how are you?" would have been more than enough.

I'm asking myself, have I set such high expectations that is why I am hurting now? No, in fact I did not have any expectations at all. But, I guess I did not expect total disregard as well. My God, I lost a child and it's a painful experience. I had expected that mothers would have at least understand the pain I must be going through. I expected that those who seek to establish relationship with God everyday would know how to extend a comforting hand to those who needed it. So yeah, maybe I did have such high expectations. This is the only way that could explain the hurt I'm feeling now... But yeah, I'll get over this. I am in fact feeling better now. I just felt that I had to express all that I've felt so it wouldn't have to be a baggage, a burden I'll be carrying around with me.

If anything, I take comfort in the fact that my God did not fail me at all. He had always been with me every step of the way. And there were my friends too, my family... If there's anything I get out of this whole experience, it's that God reaffirmed His promise to anyone who loves Him -- that indeed He would never forsake us or abandon us especially in time of need. With that, what more shall I want?

Alex's Homecoming

Well, it wasn't really much of a homecoming =) We've been what? Together for just three hours? But what three hours it was! It was three hours of catching up, exchanging experiences and views on relationships. I'd say, for everything that we've covered, it seemed we pretty much maximized the little time we'd had.


And to think it almost did not happen. We're supposed to go out Saturday night. But then it rained. Aside from that, Bolo and I spent most of the afternoon till 7 pm in marketing, going to the grocery store and cooking. It was Jeni's Mom's -- our Godparent during our wedding -- birthday party. She (Jeni) "delegated" to us the cooking of one vegetarian dish -- the "sumptuous" pakora =) For those who do not know what a pakora is, it is like your vegetable tempura. Only in this case, we make use of besan flour (chick pea flour), some kinchay (to add to the flavor and to give the dish that wonderful smell), and some seasonings for the batter. And, we used oyster mushrooms instead of the regular vegetables. We also made use of cauliflowers for that "chicken lollipop" effect.


Anyway, I was too beat after rushing with the cooking and baby was not feeling so well that I thought it not a good idea to go out. I wasn't even able to attend the party, much more so have the energy for some night-out-get-together.

Good thing we pushed through with it tonight. It sure was fun. The conversation had really been great. It is surprising considering that we haven't really seen Alex for more than ten years already. At first I was a bit hesitant about going. I thought we might run out of things to say to each other. After all, we hardly share anything common now. But it sure was fun learning about each other's lives at present.


We talked about our marriage, our relationships with our spouses, our struggles, courtship, keeping the relationship, sex. Yeah, we even talked about that and had fun laughing. We also talked about betrayal. But it was nothing heavy. We talked about how it could create such a dent in a relationship... I sit here and think how we have come a long way from those years we spent in college talking about tapes, music, MTVs and worrying about where to copy our next assignment from hehehe. There we were talking about more serious adult stuff.

I appreciated the fact that Alex was also very much open during our conversation. While neither of us really went into the sordid details of our respective relationships, I felt that each of us had really been open with each other. At one point pictures were exchanged. I must say those of Alex and his wife were really good ones. For Jeni, Candy and I, they were mostly "Mom stuff" -- pictures that have our babies in them =) And, they were just as good =)


Before we knew it, it was already time to go. I know we all shared the feeling that we would have wanted for the conversation to go on. But Alex had an early flight to catch tomorrow. I have to think of Baby and Bolo waiting for me at the shop. Candy's kids are starting school the next day. As for Jeni, she had all the time in the world hehehe.

For all that we've shared -- our relationship woes included -- I really wish that each of our relationships will turn out well in the end and that we'll get over whatever challenges we may be having now. We're all adults now and we know that the courtship stage doesn't go on forever. We're mature enough to know that relationships also mature over time. The heart-thumping, breath-taking, "electrifying" moments we experienced during the courtship stage will soon give way to moments of adjustments, facing issues, encountering conflicts and growing together. All of which are realities that relationships have to go through. Still, a part of me believes that the magic both partners felt during courtship could be sustained all through the years. Both partners just have to work at it and be creative about it... I wish such a relationship for each of us. The kind of relationship not only where there is love, commitment and deep respect but also one that is fun and exciting.

Hey Alex, it sure was fun seeing you again. Hope you'll come visit again soon. And guys, thank you so much for the fun time we've had. Thanks for the friendship =) Only wish Dane could have joined us then. Lourdes too =)