Baby Turned One Year Old!

November 18, 2006
Dencio's Restaurant
Theme: Cowboy and Indians

This is long overdue. But I'm glad I'm able to post this now. Yup, Baby turned a year old already. We've been like waiting for it for the longest time that it was such a joyous occasion when it finally happened.

The preparation was a blur altogether but I think it was as equally fun and memorable as the actual day itself. I was on a trip two weeks before Baby's birthday. We were in Cebu. By the time I got back, I already started on my new work. Very early on, I was already entrusted with the responsibility of conducting a training and I only have a week to prepare for it. So much as I want to concentrate on planning Baby's first birthday party, I hardly had the time to do so. It was very much on my mind though while I was preparing for the training and doing multitude of tasks.

When I got back from Cebu, Candy and Dane was kind enough to accompany me to the "right" places -- where party goodies can be bought. We went to several shops and practically sniffed every shop in Chinatown. Both being experts on holding birthday parties (in Dane's case, coordinating whatever party there is), they showed me where I could buy cheap but really nice toys and goodies for the pabitin, for prizes and for giveaways. They coached as to what goes into holding a children's party and what are the things to be considered. They also helped me check out some possible venues. It reminded me so much of our moments when I was still preparing for my wedding. (Thank you guys =) Truly, appreciated it.)

But it wasn't until two days before the party that Bolo and I did some serious shopping for the party. That was when we bought the toys, searched for some of Baby's still needed accessories for his costume. The theme was "cowboy and indians" and we are still lacking the cowboy hat, boots and err... holster :( But really, God is good since when we were out buying the stuff we needed, he came across a friend of his who readily lent him the hat and the Timberland boots that his son outgrew. Nice huh?

Even upto the last minute, Bolo and I were still busy preparing for the pabitin and the pinata.
It was something we enjoyed doing though :) Thankfully the party went on smoothly... errr... there were some glitches like we had to help the staff at the venue fix up the room since they were not yet prepared when we got there. Below are some of the pictures of the party.

Baby's First Word

Guess what's Baby's first word? Nope, it's not even Nanay or Tatay. Well, even before, he was already able to string along "Ma-ma." But he has yet to completely say, "nanay," even "tatay." He calls his father, "Ta-ta" which is appropriate I think considering his Tatay and I share a nickname (talk about being soulmates huh? hehe). He calls me "Na-na" and his grandma, "O-la" which is cute really.

As to his first word, it took us all by surprise really. I let Mama watch him while I did the dishes. They were in her bedroom and I could hear them playing. When he uttered the word, "am-byie-ya!" I heard him quite distinctly. I also heard Mama's exultant laugh. I rushed to where they are and Mama related to me what happened.

They had been playing. As usual, he was messing with Mama's stuff in her headboard. To keep him from falling off the bed, Mama got some of the stuff, laid them on the bed, and blocked his way to the headboard. He was playing with the stuff for a while when he probably got bored and started to head towards the headboard again. Mama blocked him but he continued reaching out for something. Mama asked him what he wanted when, probably out of frustration also, he muttered the word while at the same time pointing to where the umbrella is.

Yup, "am-byie-ya!" means "umbrella." How's that for a baby's first word? hehehe Pretty unusual huh? I remember how we all laughed at the incident.

Ever since he was very little, Baby had always been fond of umbrellas. I couldn't count the times when we would be outside malling or eating in a restaurant when he would notice an umbrella at the neighboring table and would readily reach out for it. If we're bringing our umbrella with us, he would insist about holding it. That is why I would often ask him, "What's with you and umbrellas, ha?" So maybe that is why even early on he already has association with the word :)

If these pictures are not enough to illustrate his fascination with umbrellas, I do not know what else will :)

Little Feet, Little Hands

Something really cute happened today. I arrived home from work real tired. It's not because I was real busy at work. Well, I was, having to rush a budget for a project I'm working on and having to contend with a real slow internet connection. I attributed the tiredness on the weather though. It's been raining all week and it is making everyone lethargic. All of that evaporated, however, when I reached home.

As usual, B and Baby are upstairs so I have to wait awhile before they go down and open the front door for me. Ever since Baby was just an infant we already had this ritual -- I wait by the door, Bolo or the yaya would be going down bringing Baby along. They would be peering at me through the stairs. Baby would squeal the minute he spots me. Sometimes I would have to call him. He would then turn to me with his beaming face that never fails to tug at my heart, evaporating my tiredness in an instant. They would then disappear from my view as they pass through the kitchen to open the front door for me. The highlight would be Baby holding out his hand to me, and my engaging him in a tight hug.

This afternoon that routine changed. B put Baby down by the kitchen door and told him to open the door for his Nanay. And he did just that. Though the screen door I saw him wobbling and traveling the distance towards me. When he reached out for the lock and opened it himself, I was definitely floored. Pride and joy filled my being I felt like exploding with it. It was the best greeting I've ever had yet... Then it hit me -- my baby sure is growing up fast... But there's not a hint of sadness there. If anything, I'm looking forward to witnessing Baby's development. Everytime he does something new, manage to do a task by himself, I felt as if I won the lottery or something. It is always a joyous occasion.

Sugar-coating and the Unfolding of One's Truth

It's 12:22 AM but Bolo and I just came in from watching a movie. It's been a while since we were able to go on a "date." We watched "Kasal, Kasalo, Kasali," which is a romantic comedy. The trailer looked funny enough and I've been having friends recommending that I see it.

Well, the movie was funny. Some part of it gave insights on what married life is like. Still, living the life firsthand I could say most of the things presented in the movie are exaggerated (of course! It's fiction, after all). Still it drove home the point that marriage is a "union" of two different individuals with different backgrounds trying to make "being together" work despite the differences. It talks about commitment and making choices.

There was this scene in the movie that I truly found funny but at the same time also struck me. I think the reason I thought it funny was because I identified with it. In the scene, the two main lead (hubby and wife) were trying to resolve a conflict between themselves. They agreed to talk out their issues. The hubby then brought the wife to a restaurant to do just that. It turned out that he brought her to the same restaurant where they got engaged. The girl made an issue out of it. She chided the hubby, accused him of staging everything by bringing her to the restaurant. The hubby's response really threw me :) He said off-handedly that the girl is so full of drama. He said that he did not bring her there for anything other than the thought that she might want to eat some Hototay soup.

Full of drama. This might be an "ungender" thing to say but women do have the tendency to be so over-dramatic. Even I am guilty of that. I tend to put in so much meaning in what is really just an ordinary, mundane experience. This is most specially the case when it concerns romantic relationships.

Putting in much meaning on something where there should be nothing at all. Oh, I'm guilty of this alright. I think I conducted all my relationships from high school up until early adulthood in this manner. Well, truthfully, I think even my present relationships. I am guilty of putting much meaning for every situation I find myself in.

Ah, there's this particular experience that I'm remembering. At one point in my life I had become greatly infatuated with someone. Sure, that is normal and everyone passes through such stage. But hey, become infatuated with someone I haven't really met yet? Well, I met the significant other in the whole wide world of the internet hehe I met him when "chatrooms" are at its earliest phase, when very few could only understand what "asl," "lol" and "roflol" means hehehe Hmm... I guess there is really nothing "normal" about that huh?

Oh, I've seen it happen to others and I guess it's not really as weird as it sounds. All I'm saying is that what fed my infatuation -- I kept at it for three years? on and off? -- was my tendency to put in so much meaning when there is really none in the first place.

That the guy and I shared the same passion on certain things, I took that very strongly. When his emails would somehow "answer" the questions in my emails when they are still well on their way to him -- I definitely did put in so much meaning into that. All the littlest of circumstances I placed in the label of "destiny," of serendipity. It was no wonder I was so infatuated like crazy.

Oh, but this is not to say that I felt sorry all those things happened. That part of my life is something I still value for the reason that there were indeed "beautiful" conversations shared then. That and the fact that it made me get to know myself better in that light.

Back to the issue of putting meaning on things... I guess there is really nothing wrong with that. I mean, it is better to give something some meaning than to look at things and life in such a bleak manner. Yet a part of me also believe that of course this is wrong. It is wrong because it is also tantamount to fooling oneself. And with that there is that degree of "untruthfulness." What the heck, it is being untruthful, period. And truth could and should never be compromised... Especially so if it has something to do with oneself.

Being true to oneself is the one gift -- if not the ultimate gift -- you could give to yourself. I mean, the whole world could go ahead and fool you but yourself? I think, more than anything, we owe that much to ourselves. And yet a part of me disagrees... Because sometimes it is a lot nicer to look at life behind rose-colored lenses. Life seems more interesting, more beautiful that way... And life is harsh enough in itself (sometimes) that it is "good" if we allow ourselves a little dose of indulgence... Still, there is danger in that you know... Especially so if it will compromise your very being.

Reading on too many meaning on things is really tantamount to fooling oneself, making oneself believe there is so much value on something when there is really nothing there to begin with. And indulging in the habit, if one would really look at it more closely, would be like stalling one's own becoming. I mean how can you grow if you are not able to look at things truthfully? If your understanding of situations is colored by your own romantic, dramatic inclinations?

I believe things happen for a reason. I believe persons come into our lives because they have a message to deliver. Either that or they come because we needed a push towards certain directions. If we are to "misread" everything because of our inclination to "sugar-coat" then how can we truly appreciate the real value of every situation and of every person? The real value that would propel us to the right direction of where the unfolding of our own truth is concerned?

I mean, sure, these are harsh words. I find them harsh myself. Why? Because "sugar-coating" is like being drunk, you know. And sometimes there is bliss in momentary intoxication. But I sit here and I think, I have to be faithful to my core values -- no matter how difficult it could be. Because at the end of the day, nothing really matters but the truth -- my truth. And it all boils down to choices really. I know that what would give my life meaning really is reaching my own becoming. And the choices are -- I could do it the shortest, possible, often-more arduous way or the longest (could often lead to being lost and losing sight of your goal) way there is.

Oh, I sure still am a long way to go where this is concerned. So Father God please help me.

Happy New You! (New Year)! Happy New Me!

Here's the continuation to the entry below. It is an almost blow-by-blow account of the "drama" Bolo and I participated in over the Holidays. It partly details the "argument" I mentioned in the previous entry...

When Bolo came home the day before (December 31st) without the crabs, I was fine with it. But when he started showing me the shorts and excitedly telling me he's going to give one to that person and another one to that person, I felt somewhat neglected. Especially so when he told me he did not bother to go looking for crabs because his money would no longer be enough since he bought all those shorts first. Drama or not, I certainly felt "overlooked." And I sure did have a hard time swallowing it.

I pointed out to him, there were certainly some friends I wanted to buy gifts too at that time. But I prioritized him and family over them. I bought my present for him and family first. When my money would no longer be enough to buy those other persons gifts, I accepted that. I mean, my issue wasn't so much on the gift-giving. I do not begrudge him his generosity towards other people. I am generous, myself (it runs in the family:)). It's his "overlooking" me quite pointedly that was quite difficult to accept. I mean I wouldn't have minded if he handed me "white rabbit" as a token. He knew that. I take little pleasure on the monetary value of things. It was always the "thought" that ranks high with me.

This afternoon, I'm not sure if he was trying to appease me or to amuse me, but he excitedly showed me a pair of pants he bought me. Yeah, funny huh? I think he was really aiming to appease me since he tried to devalue his previous gesture to those "other" persons by coming up with a pair of "long pants" for me and not just "shorts." So it's like, "Look B, you're more important to me than them because I bought you long pants whereas I bought them only shorts!" Ingenious of Bolo, huh? :) Real funny too. I was actually amused by the whole thing but of course I did not show him that hehehe Feeding my drama, I took one look at the pants and told him it would not fit me. His face sort of fell the next instant, I was kicking myself for being so ruthless. But I must admit I was more high on my drama than in my remorse hehehe

But he was really trying to make it up to me, his every gesture towards me reek of it. I know he was realizing some things also and learning about relationships in the process. I was tempted to up my drama to a higher level but I realized there was really no point at being that petty. Seeing that Bolo finally understood my issue and my point was certainly more than enough. So what's the use of feeding the drama?

Ah, I did learn a lot from the experience though. I learned (again) how petty I could become really and how I take delight in feeding my own drama. I realized too that Bolo really values me otherwise he wouldn't have tried that hard to make it up to me. This reminded me of the conversation we had post-Christmas. I was pointing out to him his tendency to prioritize other people over us, his family.

I have always been big with traditions. I can't help it. I grew up in a family that was big on that too -- that puts emphasis on rituals, on tokens and gestures... In the course of our conversation, he wondered at how he could have forgotten how his father and his step Mom often fought about the same issue -- misguided priorities. He was like amazed at finding himself doing the very thing he used to dislike his father for. Amazing huh? I mean, the same thing could also be true for me.

At that time Bolo apologized for not paying much attention to the tradition. He then very quietly told me that it's because they did not have that in the family too while he was growing up. My heart reached out to him really but I also pointed out that being so, the more he should also try not to do the same thing to his son.

Bolo is such a receptive person really. He is quick at learning his lessons and realizing his mistakes. But I guess old patterns are not that easily shaked-off either. It is like a second skin to most people. Even I am guilty of that in some aspect of my life.

It is the new year. It has also been a tradition for me to find myself journalizing what the past year has been like. As it is, I have yet to set aside a time to do just that. But one thing is sure though, even as I sit here writing this, I have already partly achieved that task.

Ah, I sure still have a lot to work on myself. This makes this year no different from any other. Just like any year, this year I will continue at working on myself, finding myself, striving to become a better person each day...

Retro-Entry: Baby Walked!

What a way to celebrate the new year -- Baby walked today! It was such a special moment for me when Baby started walking towards me, unheld, not holding on to anything, and hardly wobbling at all!

Bolo and had quite a misunderstanding (hehehe what a way to start a year huh?) While we were having the argument, I felt tempted to play along with his drama. As usual, there was the temptation to be selfish and be childish too. Hmm... on second thought, not really. I was more intent on having him understand my point than anything. I know I succeeded when he toned down a bit. I did not wait for his reaction though. I left him, went up and proceeded to set my working space in our room in order. He left soon after that.

So for most of the afternoon there was just Baby and I. When he woke up, I gave him toys so he would play while I did some chores around the house. It wasn't easy as he loves to meddle with what I do than play with his toys. But I manage to distract him a bit to make me accomplish some tasks.

Because of the argument, I was really feeling low. In fact, for all the childishness in me, I was contemplating of ways how to "communicate" to Bolo my disappointment. In other words, aside from getting myself preoccupied with the house chores, I was also allowing myself to be preoccupied with wasteful thoughts. I was running over my head some scenarios (translate that to: drama) I could do to "show" Bolo he was wrong and I was right. Really, remembering all that now, I am regretful of how much energy I wasted on such a mundane thing.

Being subconsciously "preoccupied," I'm afraid I was giving only half the attention I normally give Baby. So when he started playing with me -- beaming at me with that mischievous look on his face while he experimented with taking more steps on his own -- I was somewhat detached than I normally am.

Normally, when Baby would attempt to take a few steps without holding on to anything, I would certainly die a thousand deaths in fear. I am always nervous about him falling and hurting himself. So instead of giving Baby the free-hand and be encouraging... Well, in truth, knowing what I know, I always try to be encouraging and yet I had a hard time containing my fear too. So I'm like encouraging one instant and then always on the look-out for Baby stumbling or what. So there is really nothing encouraging about that.

For a long time I had been like that that Bolo and I even talked about it. I shared with him my concern that our fears must be communicating itself to Baby that is why instead of continuing with his attempt at taking steps on his own, he would suddenly sit or crawl out of fear.

But that afternoon it was different. Being distracted with my thoughts, I was not able to pay much attention to my fear. So I was down pat encouraging to Baby. And boy, oh boy, how well he responded. I was feeding him at 4 PM while I was having a late lunch myself. I was sitting just outside our bedroom door. Bolo hates having our bedroom reek of anything especially food smell, thus my position. Baby on the other hand was holding on to side of the bed while "walking" back and forth. It's like a routine of his since he was 6 mos old that I think nothing of it already. Then quite suddenly he let go of the bed sheet and took tentative steps towards me on his own! All the while sporting that mischievous smile as if teasing me.

He first took two steps. That did not surprise me much, though I was still pleased about it. He had done that before. But then two steps became three, then four, then five... When he took seven steps straight I was downright drowning in my excitement hehehe It is an exciting moment. And he did it again and again. Going towards me, take a spoonful of his food that I offer and then walk back towards the bed. The whole thing amused me since it felt like I was training a dog with my rewarding him with food everytime he manages to walk up to me on his own. Amazing, huh? =)

Then Bolo arrived. I was still smarting from the argument but I was also half-pleased that he came home quite early. His greeting -- "I've looked everywhere but could find no crabs" -- was like music to my ears hehehe Actually, I felt slighted when he came home the day before with shorts instead of the crabs that I requested him to buy. It wasn't so much the shorts that was the issue. It was his prioritizing other people over me. But that's another entry altogether hehehe

Vegetarian Pasta, Anyone?

Bah! Guess how Bolo and I spent the 24th of December? Cooking, that's what! :) Nope, not for our own consumption!

Long before Christmas is due, I've already decide that we will just buy some cake, wine,and probably cook a little pasta if we are in the mood for it. It turned out, we got six kilos -- yup, six! -- of pasta orders. So Bolo and I practically did not sleep on the eve of the twenty-third just to get started on the project.

Vegetarian pasta -- well at least the kind that Bolo and I love to prepare -- is a very tedious job. This is so since we prepare the sauce from scratch. We make use of fresh , ripe tomatoes. In order to translate that into sauce for the pasta, one has to boil it in water for sometime, peel the tomatoes and run it through the food processor.

To make it more delicious, 1 kilo of pasta is equal to 2 and a half kilo of tomatoes. So given 6 kilos of pasta... you do the math and you could imagine how much work goes into preparing everything. And boiling the tomatoes is just but the first step in the entire process of coming up with the sauce.

Hmm... I'm not complaining though. In fact Bolo and I had fun preparing the whole thing. I felt excited about the whole project when the orders came in. Part of it is because we're earning from it. It is extra income and of course that is always welcome. The real reason for the excitement though was the shot at "advocacy" the project is providing me. It felt good knowing that some households will be eating meatless pasta because they will be having vegetarian pasta instead. That I saw Bolo real excited and pleased with himself at having cooked something really delicious (they all say so hehehe) is also an added bonus for me. It was fun seeing his beaming, albeit tired face.

But it sure was stressful though hehehe We've been cooking the pasta for several times now that we feel that we could do it in our sleep. We were not able to anticipate though that 6 kilos is 6 kilos. It meant roughly 15 kilos plus of fresh tomatoes. Even if we hardly had any sleep from the night before, it wasn't enough to make it to Dane's 9 a.m. deadline. (Sorry, Dane hehehe) We sort of wrapped up everything at around 11:00 a.m. Every time Dane would ask us if we're already through, I feel as if my blood pressure would shot up hehehe But we survived it fine and was pretty satisfied with the outcome.

Holiday Rush

Just came in from rushing for groceries. Luckily, Gmall's having a midnight sale otherwise, we would have been forced to do some last minute shopping. We could have done it a lot earlier but there was just Bolo and I. There were tons of laundry that needed to be taken cared of and a whole big house to set in order. We wouldn't have had this problem if our former housekeeper returned as she promised.

Baby was showing some signs of catching some cold but we had to tag him along with us. After all we couldn't just leave him at home like a rag doll. As expected, the grocery was full of people and the most crowded aisle? Yup, the ones that had the pasta and the accompanying ingredients. As in! I had to leave Bolo and Baby with our cart so I could swim through the crowd of people to get what we need. When we were almost done, Bolo and I agreed to start queuing up for the cash registers. Bolo left me and Baby on the line while he did some few more rounds of getting some last minute items we had neglected to consider earlier.

Rush. Ah, but this week I haven't really been doing that much rushing. Except yesterday when I had to rush to three banks just to encash some checks and pay my credit card bills. This week I have been truly enjoying a Christmas break from the office. Cool huh? To have some Christmas break for ourselves. I feel truly blessed. While I still brought home some work, I've been enjoying some afternoon time with Baby and Bolo either fooling around or watching DVDs. Ah, the DVD player sure been been burning this week especially last night and this afternoon. There are two or three DVDs I've bought but haven't gotten around to watching. I feel blessed to have had the time now. But I am truly grateful for the time I have to be with both Baby and Bolo.

Earlier, I can't help but feel contentment while we all lay in bed watching DVD. Baby's head had been nestled tenderly on my tummy and I could sense he's also enjoying being with both his Tatay and Nanay. Ah, family life could sometimes be such a... difficult experience? But it sure has its rewards too. Like having those moments when you're feeling you couldn't ask more from life...

Pancakes for Breakfast

Our bed, which is next to my computer is littered with liquidation documents of all sorts. As it is, I'm trying to sort out everything. Trying to make sense of everything. Haaay there's just too many attachments needed to liquidate a disbursement even if it would only amount to as little as 200 pesos. Now why is that? Haaay I could write a whole account on the matter -- disbursement and liquidation under government bureaucracy. But that could wait for another day. After all I did not want to begin my day writing about my woes.

Very early on I was already busy working, even steeling myself against the wailing of Baby wanting some attention. It's urgent that I finish this now so we could send it out later. This is long overdue after all. I'm not bemoaning the fact that I had to do such a tedious job at an early hour though. It is after all, partly my fault, having neglected to do this a lot sooner than now.

But enough of work. I wanted to write about how grateful I am this morning since while I was going crazy pouring over the documents, B came in bringing with him some pancakes, syrup and milk hehehe Sure did make up for everything. I always loved pancakes (in colloquial term -- "hotkeyk") in the morning (in the afternoon, at night... hehehe) especially if there's syrup to accompany it with. But what I loved about it this morning is that it was prepared by my other half without my having to tell him to. I love knowing that I'm loved :)

Thank you B for treating me to another one of your "fireworks."

"Hardworked" and Loving It

Well, I think sleeping real late is becoming a habit lately. It's now 2:31 AM and here I am, haven't slept a wink. I just finished coming up with a budget for a training program slated for next year.

It was a proposal I sort of took over. So I guess you could imagine how that is. To me, it is always a lot easier if I write a proposal from scratch than trying to adjust one that someone else made.

To begin with, the idea isn't mine. Though I sometimes kid myself and think that I am, I'm not a "manghuhula" either. So in cases like these, I would usually spent ages just pouring on documents, trying to make sense of everything. After all how can I make adjustments on something I do not understand at all?

Ah, but I'm not complaining though. As it is I'm still quite wide awake. I guess I could even say some trace of adrenaline is pumping through my veins at the moment. If truth be told, I'm actually "writing" this entry at such a fast pace than I normally do. The words just came pouring in like rain...

I guess doing all those figures, as usual, is giving me some kind of a rush. Weird huh? hehehe Too much work and then feel the rush? I know I really should be feeling sluggish and tired. Well, I am tired. But I'm wide awake. I guess all those work proved to be some kind of an exercise for my brain thus this "rush-thing" I'm feeling at the moment.

Well, I guess I really just enjoyed being challenged. And having accomplished quite a lot -- being able to sort through an unbelievably, confusing document; come up with a very thorough, very organized work and financial plan -- I think I feel pretty good about myself. It feels good to be able to work out a challenge and conquered it. (That explains my penchant for solving puzzles too -- crossword, jigsaw, u name it...)

Preparing the WFP had been such a mental exercise. I could picture some parts of my brain gaining a few "muscles" for the effort hehehe I think the "exercise" had done me good -- must have improved my "circulation" up there hehehe

But I really should be sleeping already, circulation or not, everyone needs rest. So do I.

Thank you Father God for sustaining me althrough out the task. Thank you for giving me the chance to over-extend myself again and use some of the faculties you've given me. It feels good to have accomplished a lot. Khublei Mo.

Bolo

Hmm... the clock in the lower right corner of my monitor reads -- 12:15 am. I ought to be sleeping already but here I am staring wide-eyed into the monitor.

Earlier, Bolo really made me laugh because I was caught off guard when he asked if I heard what he was saying. He looked a bit dumfounded that I can't help but be amused.

Well, what's funny I think is that it is I who often had to ask if he'd been listening to what I'm saying. It's a given, men usually tune out everytime women starts to sort of nag or air our sentiments. Rarely do they ever listen. And then there he was saying a line that is usually mine. It's funny really.

Bolo recently had a tooth extraction. A molar. A big one. Yup, painful it was for him. I had to accompany him to the dentist. Well, it just so happen that this adventurous-seems-to-be-scared-of-nothing, big "boy" is afraid of doctors and hospitals. I recently found out it extended to dentists also.

While he had his tooth examined I stood at the sidelines listening as he threw several questions to the dentist -- is it going to hurt, how much is the whole thing, etc. Like a coach (more like a rooting cheerleader) I reminded him not to be nervous lest he would feel the pain more or something like that. I told him he'd better just close his eyes so he won't see the stuff that would go into his mouth i.e. the needle hehehe But apparently he did not close his eyes at all.

I know Bolo well, I knew how scared he must be of the whole proceedings. After a while, I noticed that he seemed pretty composed and relaxed that I was a bit surprised he's taking everything so well. So I sat in the corner and read a magazine. When he's through and we were already out, I asked him if he ever felt any pain. He said he did. I told him I noticed he does not seem scared at all. And his rejoinder was not something I totally expected. He very casually said, "Because you're there." That was enough to melt my heart right through hehehe

Even at the start of our relationship, Bolo had always been open about his feelings. He's not the type who would hide what he feels and pretend everything is fine when it is not. He's pretty expressive too for a guy, which is quite refreshing really. He's not your usual rhetoric, big-with-words, poetic type of guy. When expressing his feelings, he expresses them simply, plainly. Surprisingly, it usually had more impact than big "romantic" (often-not-the-truth) words. I guess that's it really. His simplicity imply truthfulness. And it is something that the heart readily sense and understand, thus the impact it creates.

Ah, I'm learning more about Bolo everyday. And I must admit it's not always the case that I like what I see. There are even times that I find him quite despicable hehehe There are times he really is so infuriating I totally lose my patience with him. But I know deep down, Bolo really has a pure heart. He's pretty much like a diamond in the rough. In his rawness, he could also cause me pain. Yet underneath all that jagged exterior lies his truest value.

Well B, we're definitely in it for the ride. Apparently we had survived our first year -- barely it may seem hehehe And since we had decided to embark on this journey together, we might as well make the whole experience worthwhile and make the ride as comfortable for the both of us as possible. As it is, we are still finding out how we're going to manage doing that exactly hehehe Merry Christmas :)

P.S.

Do continue saying that line you tell me everytime you wake up in the morning and look at me and I think we'll get along just fine bwahahaha! Btw, I think you're beautiful too my dear husband :) You have such a beautiful soul...

Simbang Gabi

Yeah, it's that time of the year again. Earlier Bolo, NC and I went to hear misa de gallo at the Ateneo. Of course :) Ever since college, I never really stopped going. Ah, except last year that is since I recently had given birth to Baby then. I remember feeling a bit empty last year for that reason alone. I guess it felt pretty weird not doing something you've consistently done for the past 10 years? Is it that long already? Hmm... perhaps even longer considering hearing misa de gallo at the ateneo had been a "habit" since first year college.

This morning, I got a bit of a shock to see the signs of age on Fr. Ocampo. Well, I've been hearing Mass on and off at the Ateneo and everytime I see Fr. Bob and the other jesuits of my college years with their age telling, I still get a bit of a shock. Which is weird really. I mean, why be shocked? Of course everybody ages. What was I thinking then? Everything will remain the way as it used to be?

Remain huh? Who am I kidding? Even the "old" campus is no longer the same. There's the imposing Finster Building to begin with, part of which was built on the old tennis court which figured largely on our first year in college. It was where we usually hang out during lunch breaks. I remember it's where Sean, Alex and I would talk about music on end, swap tapes... hehehe CDs were not even the "in" thing yet at that time hahaha

But ah, it felt good to be hearing dawn mass at the Ateneo again. Half the time I was expecting Alav would be turning up, or Nilo... Chris... Rex... Analyn.. Michael Hervas... the old gang who went to those masses those full four years... Those were the days and it had been really fun...

Back to the Finster building.. I'm not "begrudging" it in any way though. I am one of those who truly admired Fr. Finster when he was yet alive. He was one of those who had touched my life in so many ways. Him and his favorite song, "The Impossible Dream" had come to mean a lot of things to me. It had greatly influenced some of my choices back then. I think it is but just fitting that a whole building is named in his honor. It's just a bit sad though noting that what used to be a memorable place was obliterated to make way for some changes...

Well, I guess that's what life really is. Nothing ever really remains the same... Sometimes, even one's sentimentality could not prevent the changes to take place no matter how one desperately tries to hold on to the past...

Oh well, tennis court or not, I could still distinctly remember some of the moments we had had in Ateneo. I guess buildings, landmarks could indeed come and go... but memories live forever in one's heart. Somehow that's a comforting thought :)

Some More Cebu Pictures

Below are some more of the pictures we had while in Cebu last October. These "ride" shots were taken at Ayala Center which is just walking distance from the hotel. I momentarily took off some time from work to see a bit of Ayala considering it is just nearby. Bolo, Juliet and I ended up buying a bunch of Havaianahs fliflops which was on sale. Bolo and I bought 5 pairs in all -- for us both, Mama, Loren and Christine. Juliet bought a pair for herself. Anyway,enjoy the pictures. We enjoyed taking them :)


Bb: Look at me tatay, this is the way to ride a motorbike.


Bb: Hmm... Tatay? I think I dont want to ride anymore...


Bb: Tatay, did u hear me?!


Bb: Tatay, I think we're gonna crash....


Bb: Ah this is more like it...


Bb: Nanay, you sure you dont want to ride?


Bb: Is everything clear Tatay?


Bb: Heeeya!!!


Bb: Hmm... I think I like the color red Nanay


Bb: Tatay, Am I supposed to step on this little thingy on the floor?


No need for costume hehehe. When we got back in Cebu proper from Bantayan, we went to SM to do some pasalubong shopping. We chanced upon kids there in their scary costumes playing trick or treat hehehe It was a good thing they allowed us to take a picture of them with Baby. He's scary enough huh? hehe


Bb: Tatay, that masareal too for Tita Jeni, Tita Dane and Tita Candy, don't forget...


Bb: Brrrom... brooom... look out Nanay!


Bb: Hmm... I think Im bored already Nanay. Hahay.


Bb: Are we paying already? Should I park now Tatay? To that cash register there?


At the airport. Bb: Ay, Tatay, I want to go down!


Some intimate moment with Baby.


Bb: Hehehe I am really sitting here Tatay?


Bb: Read this very carefully Tatay, it tells you what to do in case we crash... But don't worry, I've studied it enough to know it by heart already.


Bb: Err... I think your choking me Tatay

Weaning

"Nursing is an intimate activity that fosters a strong bond between mother and child - and some women find it difficult to let that go."

I was browsing the net awhile ago when I came across the above statement. It partly broke my heart when I read the above statement. And yes, I am starting to wean baby, albeit reluctantly.

I had intended to nurse him until he is two years old. But I guess, intention or not, it is beyond my control really. When Baby had his fourth upper and gained his second lower tooth, he and I already started having these "battles." It must be because he's teething and undergoing some discomfort that he took to "biting" me while nursing. Come to think of it, even when we had no tooth yet, there were instances when he would bite me. Tooth or not, it still was painful and often uncomfortable. When his teeth started to show, that was when it had become almost unbearable.

Well, "almost" because most definitely I endured it. And it wasn't that often either so I guess it was easier to adjust to the nipping. It does not make it less painful though. Still, I endured it because I had Baby's best interest at heart.

A few weeks ago though, the biting was occurring ever so often. I'm suspecting he's turning up a molar. But huh, it was pure torture. As I mentioned, he now has four upper teeth and two lower ones. And God is so good they were all beautifully aligned. I would feel a bit of pride everytime I see Baby smile -- which is quite often -- because his teeth were all neat and pretty even for a milk teeth.

Back to the biting incident, often times Baby would leave a mark. And most of time, I ended up crying for the sheer pain of it. I have been told to push him closer to the breast everytime he does it. And I did, still to no avail. The next time around he would still bite. And the more I push him I guess the more he grew frustrated and the more he would bite. That went on for a week before he totally refused to take a breast. Ahh imagine the pain I felt...

The emotions I felt at the separation proved to be more painful than all his biting incidents combined. And I could see it was painful for him too. A few days ago, while we both were going through the transition, it broke my heart to see him so restless at night. He would not take a bottle and yet he would also not take a breast. Still I could sense him wanting it at the same time with his restlessness. He would continue to toss and turn, probably looking for the comfort that nursing brings. And it had been our pattern for so long. For a year, he took to dozing off at night while nursing on me...

During the transition I still took to offering him the breast and he would continue to bite. That went on until three days ago. I remember one incident that was really so painful. We were concerned about him going starving so when it would have been time for him to nurse, B would prepare his bottle and offer it to him. Bolo had to do something downstairs so I was left with Baby and I was urging him to feed from his bottle. He would look at it but would not take it. Then I asked him if he wants to drink from Nanay. And his response really shook me. He just laid there and whimpered. Even now it still breaks my heart to recall it. He literally whimpered. I tried offering my breast to him but he continued to whimper. Try as I might he wouldn't take neither breast nor bottle. So I just hugged him and reassured him. Bolo took over and he was successful in making Baby feed a little from the bottle until he slept.

That dawn, I offered Baby the breast when he got restless and I almost cried when he took it without biting. He fed for quite sometime before letting go of it. And that was the last of it. I guess he cooperated at that time to make it some kind of "ceremonial" letting-go for both of us. I've been telling him I missed nursing him and that I would have wanted to continue it for some time. I even took to pumping my milk again and have him drink from the bottle. But after some time that even did not work especially when we began mixing it to his soy formula since I'm not producing much for one feeding.

It's been three days now since I last fed him that dawn. During the day I tried feeding him again and he bit me again so I gave up altogether. And somehow, he took to the bottle without complaints anymore. Good thing I had that one last time. At that time I had a hard time really adjusting to the separation...

Ah there he is sleeping so peacefully beside his Tatay. He seem such a big boy already. He had grown so "tall" these past few months. Some of his earlier pajama's have now become "purontongs."

One good thing about this weaning experience is how Bolo rose to the "occasion." Without my having to ask him to, or to implore him even, he took to preparing Baby's bottles, thermos and milk. I was surprised to see him walking in with all the stuff and neatly arranged them close to our bed. I wasn't really expecting anything but I was already bracing myself having to rise up our bed to prepare Baby's milk in the middle of the night. But Bolo proved to be such an angel. While I would stir also as soon as I feel Baby's restlessness, it would be Bolo who would rise and prepare the milk. I know it's his way of telling me it is his turn now.

At one time, I had complained to him about my lack of sleep ever since I gave birth. I told him I had to wake up in the middle of the night and then at dawn just to nurse Baby. I told him I long for the time when I would be able to sleep the whole night through. I remember even telling him he's better off since he would just sleep the whole night without much of a clue. His insistence to just let me sleep and let him take care of the feeding even if I knew how much he value his sleep is making me feel cherished.

Bah! I could swear 'Bolo" is synonymous to "sleep." I could go into fits just to have him awake and still talk to me when we were having a tiff but he would just turn to me and say, he's sorry but he really wants to sleep so we'd better talk in the morning... And yet, once again, typical of him, he took to the role without so much of a fuss. For all our petty fights, Bolo again managed to make me feel so treasured and so blessed...

I am indeed so blessed. Thank you B. Thank you Father God...

On Wanting to Write, Dumbledore, and Sacred Contracts

It's been three days since I had broadband installed at home. I had been looking forward to blogging and writing to my heart's content. And yet, here I am, it took me three days. Well, there are reports to finish... But boy oh boy all the realizations I'm getting these days... not to mention some truths I've stumbled upon even months ago but never gotten around to really thinking about them and threshing out my real feelings and realizations about them.

There is something I find really ironic. A few moths back, while I was documenting for a strategic planning, something hit me in a big way. I was starting to read a book recommended to me by Jeni -- "The Sacred Contract." I was really too busy with a lot of deliverables to give it my full time and attention. So I just managed to read perhaps a few pages of it. What I read though, I liked. Sometimes, I would scan ahead (which I never usually do) and see what the rest of the book talks about. And well, Jeni -- being her usual self -- was spoiling it ahead of me anyway, telling me about some parts of the book. This time, it was easy to forgive her. I knew she was really wanting to hear herself talk about her realizations from reading the book. In short, she was using me as a sounding board. Nothing new about that :) We've been doing that to each other for as long as I can remember. (I love you my sounding board hehehe)

Anyways, I also did not mind it much since I'm like reading the book myself from all the things she's telling me about it. And it's not like the time I had yet to read the last installment of the Harry Potter series and she's telling me someone really important died in it, tormenting me endlessly with her hints and giveaways. I already had the copy of the book at that time but kept putting off reading it since I knew I would be hardpressed at putting it down once I've started. At that time there was a very important deadline to meet so no can do. And there she was, making it difficult for me to resist the book altogether. I remember meeting the deadline and reading the book all at the same time. So, 8 months pregnant that I am, I stayed up the whole night till the morning of the next day reading about Dumbledore being killed. Ah, Jeni could really be such a tormentor, mind you. Are you reading this? :P

But well, what's interesting about that whole experience is my remembering how I cried and got a bit of a shock when Dumbledore died. I mean I knew from how the series is developing, something really big is bound to happen in the sixth installment. But Dumbledore dying? It was something that really got me unprepared so I got a bit of a shock when I read that part. I even remember crying about it a bit hahaha

Hmm.. but back to what I find ironic, as I said I was already reading the sacred contract then. Jeni was telling me at that time too that she's starting to understand herself better, about her different archetypes, etc. etc. Quite truthfully, I wasn't much into the archetype theory. I do believe it though. All I'm saying is that it wasn't about that that really struck me about the book. I was more into the idea of a "Sacred Contract." It's actually just a different take on one's having a purpose in life and realizing it. But what's great about the Sacred Contract is that it delved on relationships too. It suggests that we have sacred contracts with all the people that we come across in life -- encompassing both those who are dear and near to us and those whome we meet in passing but made such a great impact in our lives. The sacred contract is that we "agreed" to meet at one moment in our lives to teach each other lessons we needed to learn at that point. Even the book's take on "lovelife" is interesting. It made me see my husband in a different light.

Oh I knew and believed that there's a reason why the union was between Bolo and I and not with someone else. I knew it happened for a reason and that we are both sharing this relationship now because each of us are instrumental to each other's unfolding of truth and good. I knew about that. But looking at it at the perspective of a sacred contract, it's like elevating the whole thing at a much higher level. It's you and him, agreeing, setting a contract between the two of you to meet and play an important role in the other's life -- that of being a spouse -- to help each other out. The idea of the sacred contract makes it a conscious thing. Not something that happens serendipity. I guess there's something more "weighty" about a contract. It gave an air of certainty, commitment, seriousness...

While the Sacred Contract and its take on relationships hit me in a big way, I was really more concerned about realizing my own Sacred Contract in life. What is really my purpose in life? I remember musing about this even at the tender age of 10. It had been a personal quest since then even if sometimes I'm not really so conscious about such a quest. As I matured and grew over the years, the answers to the question came to me in forms that I was capable of accepting at those different stages in my life. The younger I was, the grander was my perspective. I remember defining my purpose as -- going out there to change the world.. hehehe I was that naive. I still am... but I think of this in a good way...

As I got older, however, and went through several "grounding" experience I realized I could only do so much. I realized it's not really all about "me." I realized there are other people in this world that I was adamant about changing, who are also searching for their own purpose in life. I realized they indeed have such a purpose to fulfill and whether or not it's about changing the world, they too have a role to fulfill... And so I began to look inwards... I started looking at my gifts... What do I have to offer to the world? What is uniquely mine that would serve as my own contribution? What is my purpose?

I remember being preoccupied about reaching my fullest potential and how I pursued things to do just that... but that's another story... and I'm getting ahead of myself...

What I really wanted to write about was how I got a hint of my personal sacred contract while I was involved in that work. There I was growing a bit frustrated at how long it is taking for one organization to come up with their own strategic plan. I got frustrated at how they could linger on, spend so much time arguing on semantics. I mean my Gawd, I'm a technical person, and I majored in Philosophy. I had had my share of arguing about hermeneutics and what truth really is. But I sat there and was like telling myself, "sure semantics matter." One's intention had to be really clear but to spend hours and even a day on just the article "the" and "an"?!? I mean really!

I'm making it clear though I'm not giving any judgment. I apologize if it would appear that way. I'm just saying that the incident lead me into thinking how differently I want things to be. At that point in time I wished training and similar interventions could be less technical and be more "soulful." That's when it hit me in a big way.

I realized that homo sapiens -- in the whole of his history -- is now at the most critical stage of his development. Sure, he had come a long way to have survived the tests of time and the harshness of the environment of the earth. Well, he had even managed to Lord over the environment that was once very harsh on him. He had survived it and lorded over it, subjecting it to his every whim. But that's only the physical aspect of things. Looking at his consciousness, how far had he gone? Where is the homo sapiens in that aspect now? I see him being preoccupied with things that if one would really look closely, does not really matter.

He is concerned with putting food on the table, pursuing all his wants and whims and paying very little attention to nurturing his consciousness... or his state of being... In my mind I see an exodus of people, directionless people in pursuit of false purpose and achievement. I mean, there is nothing wrong with that. People had to eat too of course. They had to survive and of course everyone is entitled to pursue their personal dreams. Even I am guilty of that. I may get these ideas and write about them and yet I'm just like everyone else. And I find that very sad. Not about being like everyone else but about everyone's being too caught up meeting our needs to no longer have time to pursue our spiritual growth -- to develop our consciousness to search beyond what is here and now...

It is at this point when I realized... that's what I wanted to do... to be a part of that changing of consciousness... I want to influence it somewhat... and before I knew it, my life is changing before my very eyes... opportunities that were totally unforeseen in the past just fell right into my lap. It was not so much so I could really go out there and influence everyone... It's more like being in the company of people who are to teach me all there is I needed to learn... These days I'm learning a lot. Thus the need to have them all written down... And one thing I'm learning in a big way now is that "I am the change I needed to see in the world."

There's so much I needed to work on, on "me." So many rubbish inside. These days I'm realizing I'm not exactly an admirable daughter and how I could greatly improve in that aspect. I'm realizing I am not exactly a very good person and I needed to work on that too... that I am a soul and am not my relationships, I'm relearning that all over again, this time at a much deeper level. So I am in the process of learning and unlearning, taking stock of what I have, what I can do away with... And you know what's funny? There's hardly enough time for me to do that... why? because there are reports to finish and I had to be a mother to my son and a wife... Because just like everyone else I had to earn my keep and have roles to fulfill... still, I believe I will have that time, I am taking that time, staking claim on it...