Never Enough

T'is never enough, it seems,

Some exchanges, a few words

A glance, 

A smile.

Moments gone too soon

Inadvertently left wanting

Needing more

Time to be together

Thankful
For green tea
Back and forth at the door
Chased through the gate

Completed my day. 

Recharging Batteries

I was feeling low, having those thoughts when Tatay came on Skype to ask me why I'm not sleeping yet.  I told him what my thoughts are and he immediately called me.  Over chat he had already told me that these things are beyond my control and even made reference to the universe.

Seeing me crying, he urged me to just come home saying I'm stressed in more ways than one being where I am. He then tried to soothe me with small words of comfort, urging me to go to take my much needed sleep.  And I feel grateful.  Tatay knows me well.  He knows me well enough to not dismiss all that I'm feeling as drama... Or even just to wonder why I should feel that way.  And there's affirmation in that, in being understood, on knowing where I'm coming from.

I remember having this conversation with Jenny before, as to how I don't really need a partner who would give me the sun and the moon... someone who would be able to provide me with all the material comfort I need. These things are not that important to me because I know I am more than capable of providing myself those things.  And besides, my needs and wants are simple. I remember telling her, I need someone who would be there for me.  Someone who would hold my hand and listen to me.  I remember saying something like, "someone I can curl up next to, to give me the much-needed hugs, replenishing all the energy that I have lost from pursuing my many causes... I need someone who can 'recharge' me.  So I can go up and leave again and fight my battles anew."

In more ways than one, that's what Tatay is to me.  Though he can also be my source of stress (indeed!), I do know that he is my quiet anchor, next to God and family.  Simply, by "getting" me, "knowing" me in ways that no one would.  I love you, Tay.  Thanks  for being that steady (sometimes erratic pag saputon), source of affirmation.

On the Edges of Infinity

When I think of tenderness,

I think of you

I doubt not the love that you feel for me

Even if when I thought about pain,

It’s you who comes to mind as well.

When I thought about connection,

I think about what we have

That instant undeniable recognition

Intensity from day one,

Got nurtured in time.

I met you when I was doing something I love

Surrounded by everything that helps complete me

We were in the midst of the woods

Stood in awe of a great waterfall

Running through trails

From then on

We found ourselves constantly

In nature’s midst

Often  on top of a mountain

Amidst raging surf, braving the sea

You were my adventure buddy

Still is

Always will be

So many places to see

And explore still

With you

I feared nothing

Despite my physical fragility

You and my strong resolve

Compensate for what I lack

So while I maybe away

Often alone

Sometimes in need of affirmation

I think of you and what we have

It’s enough to get me through the day

You brought me laughter

Even the greatest pain

I am well awake though to know

That we’ve decided on this

On the edges of infinity

To help each other along

Confront our lack

Come full circle…

I love you, B.

On The Right Track

For the past two days now, Tatay has been sending sweet nothings thru SMS.  It's a far cry from the usual jealous outbursts of the past few months.  And those were really trying months for me.  It was difficult juggling work and at the same time, on the side I have to tend with a "wrathful" hubby breathing down my neck and being emotionally challenging.  But yeah these two days had been bliss.

Yesterday, he started by asking me how I was and then proceeded to tell me how his day was. He was supervising some work on a project he was sub-contracted for.  He was actually just beating up his chest, playing proud and all and wanting praise from me.  It was adorable and quite like the Bee I fell in love with 14 years ago.  Of course I told him how proud I was of him and how happy I was to see him so happy.

We talked about a lot of things just like the old times.  He asked me if we could sponsor some school supplies for a community in Sarangani.  I told him to involve the children.  He said they could not go to the actual distribution as it is quite far and he had another outdoor activity to attend to.  We settled with having the children buy the school supplies.  That way, they would also be aware that the family does such things.  And while we were having this conversation, I felt grateful once again that for all our differences, we have shared vision where rearing up the children this way is concerned.  It is very important to me that the children would grow up always coming from the perspective of love and always looking for ways of being able to contribute.  And I am happy that Tatay share that as well.

Yesterday, he ended our conversation (littered with iloveyou's) by thanking me for everything I've done for him and the family. I reminded him I would not be able to do everything without him and Mama's support.  I thanked him as well.

The past two years had been the most challenging for us. I've gone through hell.  There were times I've been very ready to just give up and walk away.  But always, I know deep down the commitment is real and that the love is genuine.  I may have questioned that at certain points in the past two years given what happened but I do know this one's for real.  I must admit that fear of trusting and being hurt all over again is something I still feel.  But I do know deep down, we're both in here for the long haul.  One do not just walk away from a sacred contract.  When there's a breach, you don't just burn the contract and walk away.  You give it another try and hope against hope that you've made the right decision to trust again...

Ring and Bracelets

Ring dropped
Picked up
Tried
Too small for yours
Too big for mine

Much like
What we have now
Shared affection
Yet circumstance
Don't make way for rings

Let's settle
For bracelets then
Silvery ones
Embraces
But never shackles...

Just That

I desire not to posses
Nor to label
Anything
That might be there
Or might not be

I just want to live
The moment
Acknowledge
What the heart whispers
Not what the intellect interjects

I dream not of forever
Or what could be
That's far too beyond
What is now
And might not come

I have no want
Of promises
Or grand gestures
Nor to agitate
Over what tomorrow brings

I just want
What's now
Seize the moment
Love when I could
While I still could

Nothing much
But shared
Conversation
Laughter
A touch or two...

Today

Popped
Conversations
Taking photos of
Sunsets
Full moon
Bag gesture
Seated
Snip of a moment
Today

Chains

In the veil of the dark,
Chains raised
Bowed head
Passing through

Casual gesture
Nothing extraordinary
But it was a moment
In time with you

So treasured
It is
Kept in that corner
That contains memories of you...

Restless

Restlessness pays again a visit,

Afflicting my veins,

Wishing to be somewhere else,

Curled up with a book,

Music surrounding me.

I long to be by your side,

Listening to the same songs,

Hands inter-twined,

Heads huddled together,

Soul to soul communion.

Dreaming of gazing into your eyes,

Thoughtful and beautiful,

I want to sing songs with you,

To discuss the meaning,

Unspoken behind the words.

So many things unsaid,

Assumed,

Misunderstood,

As we deal with this distance,

Separating us.

So let’s cross this chasm,

Make things happen,

Say things anyway,

For love never knows,

Distance or bounds.

Mahal Kita.

Xushm Aweit.

Till Sunrise

A full day,
Cerebral tasks.
Hurried,
But never-ending.
Done with one,
Two more to go.

Time-consuming,
Details galore.
Moments tick by,
Caused inconvenience.
Guilt-ridden,
Eased by reassurance.

Impatience,
None.
Stalled time,
Yes.
But till sunrise,
I'll wait.

Virtual Party Unplanned

Planned "meeting" taking place,
It's your special day today.
Defying distance,
Te quiero's sent across the miles.

Unplanned virtual rendezvous,
Exchange of mirth.
Engulfed in camaraderie,
Teasing banter ensued

Planned exchange of stories,
Looking forward to the day.
Grateful for kindred spirits,
Binded by common love for offsprings.

Thank you God for unplanned, special moments that made Tatay's 36th truly happy-filled. Grateful.

Nothing but a Moment

A quick hello,
Passing by.
Turned down invitation,
Shoulders shrugged.
A change of mind,
Momentary discourse.

Fooling oneself,
Nothing extraordinary.
Un-comfortable silence,
Small talk attempts.
Slight touch of hands,
Illusion crumbles.

Nonchalant stance,
Nothing amiss.
Stifling a grin,
Had to turn away.
As eyes can't hide mirth,
When heart overflows...

Orbital Blog

Here's affirming my commitment to the unfolding of my truth so I could in turn, be able to give a more genuine contribution in whatever time and place I may find myself in. Here's lifting up my entire being in thanksgiving and gratitude to my God who have consistently directed my pathm, provided for my needs and given me the desires of my heart even before I knew what they were. I'll never tire of saying this-- such a wonderful tapestry you've made my life to be, Lord. Salamat, salamat... Zor spas. Shukran. Merci. Teshukar Iderrim. Thank you.

Rod: What I Want To Be

It's been awhile but finally, we again had our usual soul-to-soul conversation:

Me: At ten, Rod, I somehow knew already what I wanted to do... (describing the historical event that led me to my realization)

Rod: I want to be like you, 'Nay (my heart stopped and I immediately became teary eyed). But I might become a vet as well. I feel for people too. At school when there are vendors who do not get a sale, I buy their food even if I don't like them. But I feel for dogs and animals also (describing to me a story he read about someone who decided to become a vet after losing a dog).

Well, you could be anything, Anak. As long as you're not hurting other people to become what you want to be. Nanay and Tatay will try our best to support you all the way. I love you to the moon and back.

Sunsets

Photo credit: Tata Abella-Bolo

Restless,
Can't be still,
Can't wait for the days to be over.

Busy,
Engaged,
With very limited time remaining.

A hundred and one tasks,
With seeming,
No moment to spare.

Yet I do,
Find a few,
To sneak in thoughts of you.

Time,
Space,
Separates you from me.

Yet I,
Am kept more alive,
As seconds passed idly by.

Can't wait,
For sunsets,
That bring you closer to me.

Face to face,
Sometimes,
Even a ray's touch or two.

Oh such a sight,
To behold,
Golden, beaming, hue.

Being There, Remotely

"Tapos wala ka diri, 'Nay ba!" (And you're not here, Nanay!) Tatay repeated that statement for the third time. I got him right away. He's in a bind and he needed me to be there so once again I can help him gain a better perspective. And so I did just that.

Over the phone, I calmed him, helped him see sense. He is obviously upset but "hearing" me so calm, not angry at the other end of the line must have helped because he mellowed somewhat. Over the line, I sent over my love and he must have sensed that. I had to call a friend, ask a favor, make phone calls and online transfers in between flights but everything got settled eventually.

At the end of it all, got several messages of apologies and gratitude from Tatay for handling the situation the way I did and for understanding. "I love you's" got exchanged several times.

Maneuvering marriage, long-distance, is quite a challenge. Situations that had to be addressed together could prove to be difficult but yeah, not impossible.  One has to be patient and love enough to make the effort.

As I sit here again alone in an airport somewhere, these thoughts are what's running on my head. For a month, we would have to switch again to "remote-partnership." I again would have to work at being a good "remote" parent. But by God and by love, I know it can be done. I miss the little arms around my neck and the butterfly kisses though. Just one more month!

Sacred Contract

You told me, you sit in silence at the top

Thinking, longing for me.

Were you thinking

Of how things are shaping up?

Intention behind certain insistence, 

Suddenly crystal clear?

I come from the position of love.

Always.

Decisions are based on nothing but.

If I give my all

In everything else, 

How much more for you?

You are me.

We are one.

My own unfolding is tied up with yours.

I am much committed to your own,

As my own becoming.

I sit in silence and think

How it had to be me in your life.

Because I would stay

When everyone else had left

Despite self-preservation lashing back

That caused me so much pain.

You see,

There's no pushing me away.

I am whole

Where you are broken.

I have signed up for this

Long before the rebirth.

So lick your wounds

Stop thinking you're unworthy.

You are

Worth all the love

I can give

And much more.

I love you, B.

Working at Loving Better Everyday

Today's gem: Tatay and I texting, with him telling me his back ached from carrying both Rod and Forest for a long time. Ate Janin's celebrity idols are in town for the city's charter day celebration. Since there was quite a crowd, Tatay had to swing Forest over his neck and carry Rod so they both could see the stage.

My heart expanded at the picture he was describing. He almost did not go since Ate Janin disappeared at midday without asking permission. I had to coax him, pointing out it would be a missed opportunity. Good thing he listened. That's what I love about him. Most of the time he listens. And he sure tries so hard to be better at loving the children. We both do.

Thank you, God. We are not perfect parents. We are still very much a work in progress as individual persons but thank You for giving us the grace each time to work at being better persons, better parents... More loving and discerning...  

Of Forest, Treks and Spending Time

There were a lot of "gifts" yesterday.  One was in finally being able to go on a trek in Kurdistan.  While it is not the usual adrenaline-pumping, "conquered-much-of-myself" mountaineering feat, I felt grateful just the same. I never thought I could go on a trek here.

Another one is spending time with colleagues.  Albeit most of our staff are really young, it was fun just spending a day with them. The culture here is not much different from home.  Family is of utmost importance as well.  

Speaking of family, another gem was talking to Forest on the phone.  I miss her and her cute little voice, just thinking about it.  She relayed to me how she got sick one time and I was not there.  She was not certain of the date and so she had to ask Lola when was it she got sick.  She repeated the line, "when Nanay was not here."  My daughter is feeling my absence.  More than anything, she wants me to be there when she gets sick.  Whose child wouldn't? Sigh. A few more months, Anak.  I am grateful we are afforded to see each other every three months.  Others are not as lucky, especially those who gets to go home only every two years.  And yet, it's true.  Whether 3 months or 2 years, I know I am missing much of your growing up years.  I know you have that longing to have me there as often as possible.  

Sending you hugs and kisses, Forest from across the miles.  I miss you so much.

Of Spreadsheets and Intimacy

Today's gem: Tatay and I sharing screens in Skype and worked out an excel sheet of our monthly budget.

It felt very intimate to me no matter how unromantic spreadsheets and numbers could be. I liked the fact that we were working together, making adjustments together. I loved the fact that despite the distance, we still find ways to connect and to make our marriage function as it should.

Thank you, God for the grace.