Happiest birthday, Tatay

So the kids called me up so we could wake Tatay up for his birthday today. We found him sprawled up in bed. Beside him are some of his stocks that he's preparing for this weekend's activity.

But he did blow his candles and accepted and returned the children's kisses.

We love you, Tatay. Every year my wish and prayer is that you would finally be able to define your dreams. These days, you seem to be well on your way to pursuing them. And as always, here's re-affirming my commitment that I would always be here for you.

I'll be here to hold your hand and walk beside you as you pursue your dreams. I could be behind your back to push and prod you along; In front, to pull, guide and hopefully to inspire as well.

I am and always will be your greatest fan, coach, lover and partner. It took me awhile to realise it but yes, now I am committing myself to trying my very best to love you as your authentic self and not some idealised vision of what a husband, partner or father should be.

It is my wish that you would always feel free to express your truest, most loving self; know that I got your back; and that I would be here to help you along as you journey towards your own becoming. It's still a bit of a struggle, making sure that you only come from the position of love. But I am here so we could help each other do just that.

Freedom. Authenticity. Truth. Love.

I love you, hurot2x, Tatay!

It is Done

When I picked up the guitar this morning, I intended to play a love song.  I did not expect to find again the very "Source" of love.  Or was it He who found me? I stumbled upon a worship song online and soon enough I found myself flipping through chords of old favorites and new worship songs.  And the rest just overflowed.

When I came across the lyrics, "It is done..." everything just collapsed -- the wall I did not know I was putting up around me; the rein I've  been keeping on my feelings... and then the longing just came flooding in.  

Three words.  Indeed there is power in three and to me what these three words represents encompass all the "I love you's" in the world.  It speaks of the ultimate love, the ultimate sacrifice made to proclaim the truth and show the way.  When Jesus breathe his last and said those words, "It is done," He did more than tell the Father He has fulfilled the Father's will.  It speaks of so much more. It speaks of an inner triumph, an acknowledgment of a personal quest finally achieved.  And indeed, with those words he tore the veil of darkness, of ignorance and showed the way.

He showed that this is how He loved us, with open arms, embracing the pain and the sacrifice that go with it.  He showed that the body and our life here on earth is temporal and thus we shouldn't be too caught up with what everything that glitters and everything else of this world that we think we can't live without.  I can go on and on as to what the cross meant but I know that doing so would only rub it off it's meaning.  What words can fully capture everything that the cross represents? Well, for every Christian like me? 

I felt my heart softening, being raw once again.  I was not aware I had made it hard, somewhere along the way.  Up until I felt once again it's rawness.  I know what this meant.  It could mean pain.  But does it really?  I'm thinking now, love really becomes 'painful' only when one expects something in return.  But when love is truly given?  Shouldn't there be nothing but joy? That feeling of fulfilness after having manifested what our being is truly about, isn't it?

I have no desire to become a saint or to be put to so much test so I can just manifest God's love for me and my love for Him.  I have no such grandios delusions.  What I want is simply be able to continue trying my best to be coming from the perspective of love and of being able to contribute.  This, in my own little way.  In my own little corner of the universe.  I want that at the end of it all, I could also say back to my God, "It is done, Lord."  I know I've fallen several times but I have tried my best to give back even just a shadow of what You have given me.  "It is done."  

Of Soulful Intentions and Truth

"I'm kicking myself now, Nanay.  Why, oh why did I "allow" you to go on a trek without me!  Because I wanted my own freedom too! I wanted to be able to do my own thing too.  Giuna lang nako ang akong laag! But the truth is I'm dying with jealousy here.  I could not believe you went on a trek without me.  Without me! And that you were perfectly fine with it too.... I wish I could really be happy that you're happy with having had the chance to go but I'm not.  I'm angry at myself for not being able to give you that happiness.  But I'm not happy.  I'm feeling tortured at the moment.  I can't believe I let you go on your own!" (All in Bisaya of course but these are the words to that effect.)

And I sat there dumbfounded because only a few hours ago, we were exchanging sweet nothings.  I was actually floating on air, feeling refreshed from the hike and being with nature and then there was Tatay, telling me how happy he was that I was happy.  What more could I ask for?

I got upset.  I got unhappy.  I could not believe he's telling me he's not happy.  I could not believe he's taking back everything that he said.  Every single thing that made me truly happy just a few moments ago!

For a moment, I felt anger.  I'm angry about how selfish he can be, how immature!  I'm broken-hearted about how it is so difficult for him to give me what would make me happy.  I don't ask for much.  I don't demand riches.  I don't demand material things!  I don't ask that he talk to me 24/7, send me sweet-nothings every minute of the day!  I just want a few moment of his attention every now and then.  I want a few virtual hugs thrown my way when I'm feeling down and bogged down with work.

I recognise he had to do his own thing too and I totally accept it! Of course I have my worries too when he goes on a climb and be with other women.  I get scared that he could slip and forget about me.  And yet, I can't waste my energy on worrying about these things.  I know my worth.  If he decides to throw me away because of other women, then so be it.  That is his problem not mine.  I don't need someone unfaithful to make me happy.  I could never be happy with that kind of person, anyway.  Never.

So yeah, I let him go.  Even tell him every time that I wish he would have fun and enjoy his trip.  I know he likes being around nature and being around people.  That's what makes him happy -- being the center of attention.  And so I let him be. Because, I love him and I'm truly trying my best to love him as he is!  Not, as what I want him to be or the image I have in my head as to what a "perfect" husband should be. I choose to be truthful in acknowledging who he really is as a person -- good things, flaws and all.  I then base my love around that --on his own, authentic self and not some blown-up illusions that I have!

So imagine how upset I felt in knowing he could not also accept me for who I am.  Or to give me what would truly make me happy.  Or to just even trust me or know me enough to be assured that I could never be unfaithful to him!  I think that was what saddened me most of all -- that he doesn't know me.

The morning before the climb actually, we had an argument.  He did not want me to go.  So I had to tell him exactly all these things -- not want me to be happy, etc. etc.  I pointed it out to him how I let him go and wish him luck even in all his trips and why he can't do the same for me.  So in the end he relented, saying, he genuinely wants me to be happy.  It's just that he is totally, irrationally, selfish when it comes to me.  He said he does not want anyone else touching my hand (imagine that!).  Even made me swear, I would ask a fellow woman for help should I need it during the trek!  Really!  And I had to roll my eyes over that.

Yet, when all my indignation settled, I began to see the silver lining behind all that.  I felt grateful that Tatay is so attuned with his feelings.  I am very thankful that he thinks over these things and that he expresses them all to me without sugar lining.  I am very grateful that he is that truthful with me.  That, while he wrestles with his own feelings, fears and ghosts, he chooses to express them all with me.  How beautiful is that?

I'm never one for wasting time on bull-shitting.  I have no patience for it.  I am all for being tactful and careful with words so as not to hurt other's feelings.  But, I could never tolerate being lied to.  I don't want to waste my time second-guessing what the other person really meant or whether he is really being sincere or is just taking me for a ride.  I don't have the energy for it.

This is the very reason why my default had always been to take everything at face-value.  Well, almost always.  When a person tells me something, I don't agonise or waste time analysing whether he or she is really being truthful with me.  I always tell myself, if that is what you are expressing to me right this instant, then so be it.  That is your truth and then I would respond accordingly as well -- from the core of my truth.

I may appear reserved and sometimes even shy but what you see, what I express,at any given time is who I am.  It stems from what's inside of me.  Sure, I would take a step back, think about what would be more tactful or less painful but I would never bullshit or tell you lies just because I know what you wanted to hear.  I simply don't see any value in it.  What would lie beget?  Another lie, isn't it?  Life is so short.  Why spend it playing games?  You'd only end up confusing yourself as well!  Where is the peace in that?  Why bother?

I am not perfect.  I never will be.  I always tell myself that I am still very much a work in progress.  But one thing I am certain is that I always seek to be as truthful as I could be.  I could not waste time and energy in playing games.  It's such a waste of a lifetime.

And yet, I've been played at, it seems.  It broke my heart, yes.  And for a while, it broke my peace.  I could not understand for the love of me how other people could play games.  I could not understand why there are people who would waste time and invest energy in making other people feel as if their friendship is genuine but then it really was not?  How?  Where is the integrity in that?  Can one be truly happy (with themselves) if they waste so much time playing games?  Why bother?  I could not understand.

But then again, I did not want to write about people not worth spending time over.  I wanted to write and celebrate Tatay's truth.  He is not perfect.  Far from it.  But oh my, he is beautiful and truthful.  Oh he could tell me white lies to get away with things true but I do know that where it matters?  At the soulful, core-truth level, Tatay is genuine.  And that is all that matters.  I would not want it in any other way.  Sure, he does not have such large, beautiful eyes that looks at you and makes you want to drown in them.  He has this slit, crinkly eyes that speaks so openly about how he feels inside. His eyes spoke of mirth, naughtiness, even haughtiness, true.  But most importantly, he has eyes that see right through me and acknowledge my own truth and loves me for who I really am. What could be more important than that?

I love you, Tatay.  I am truly grateful we have this kind of relationship.  I am brought back to the many instances wherein we could spend countless hours just talking.  We truly enjoy talking with each other. Sure, we could not talk about books and share the same taste in songs.  Yer, we talk about everything -- what your views and feelings are on certain things... what are your uncertainties, what are mine...  We can talk about the universe... about who I am and you don't hesitate to call me out on whatever drama I'm in.  You know me THAT well.  And that makes me feel truly cherished, acknowledged and loved.  Because, I am loved for who I really am.  And because of that, I love you as much in full measure.

You are indeed after my own soul...

(Sounds of) Zorgaven

Rippling brook

Croaking frogs
Chirping birds
Rustling leaves,
Of the canopy above

Thump of feet
On solid ground
Slipping on rocks
Swishing of clothing
As one treks up ahead

Crackling of fire
Splitting of wood
Hiss of boiling water
Shish of tea
being poured on cup

Lightning static
Clap of thunder
Swoosh of wind
Rain falling gently,
Drip-dropping on the tent

Kurdish music
Erupting laughter
Boisterous clapping
Rythmic stumping
Of feet

Zipping of tents
Being opened
Slap of feet
Being slipped on
Whispered, "bayani bash"

Thumping walking stick
On rocks
Quick intake of breath
As thorns break
Into skin

Ripping sound
Of thorns
Breaking away
From fabric
A hiss from pain

Peaceful quiet
As one watched awed
By the wonderful sight,
Of the valley
Far below.

The Beginning of an End

I was sitting down working at an immediate task but at the same time, thinking also of the things I need to be wrapping up, work-wise, before I leave.  I was suddenly brought back to the time when the family was still deciding on my coming here.

That was  two years ago.  How time flies.  I remember how Rod was giving me a hard time.  He said he does not want to see me go.  He was pretty stubborn about it too, not wanting to talk to me.  But Tatay, when I least expected it, stepped in to say, "But Nanay had to do this for herself, Rod.  She had to find out for herself if she can do it.  We cannot take that away from her.  Then after that she will be home."  Or words to that effect and of course in Tagalog-Bisaya.

And indeed, I've "found out" so much in the past two years.  I've learned that:

- I can do it
- There is always something one can contribute
- I am much, much stronger than I thought
- Indeed it is very difficult to be away from the family, the children most of all
- Love for one's country, one's causes can also extend to places where you find yourself in
- Love comes in various form and levels
- I've reaffirmed that I love passionately and give more of me in whatever "role" and "responsibility" I find myself in
- I am human. I get lonely, gets depressed, can be very petty, and gets tired
- I do rise again... work again... give more of me again despite having bouts of exhaustion
- Love conquers distance.  You always find a way.
- I am loyal, know my limits well and operate within them
- My circle of closest friends can still expand and can be composed of people I've just met, share no history with but have instant connection and shared values (I so love my Kurdish "family")
- My God finds me whereever I may be and continue to bless me immensely
- I am indeed blessed, so much blessed in so many aspects of my life

I've learned so much in the past two years that I've been here.  Now that I'm taking steps of wrapping things up, I get melancholic.

I am finally leaving.  I'm counting the weeks.  Who knew that what was initially planned to be just a three-month "see-for-myself-get-right-back-home" could expand into two years?  I remember telling myself, "Okay, I'll give myself a full four season cycle." But since then, I've spent two of each -- summer, autumn, winter and spring.  I'd be leaving, inshallah, on my third summer  here.  And summer is phenomenal in Iraq hehehe

I remember taking my two-month break last year and came back during summer.  The heat immediately engulfed me as soon as I stepped out of the plane.  Then on my second day, we hit 50 degrees.

Oh! but the warmth I felt here from colleagues and friends. I've been embraced like family and taken into their homes without hesitation.  For which I am truly grateful.  I've suffered indigestion twice after such visits, having eaten so much food! :)  I'll miss all of these for sure.You  don't know just how you've all settled into this tiny chamber in the corner of my heart.

I'd miss Kurdistan's mountains and its landscape's ever changing hue -- white, green, a distinct shade of yellow, brown... and spring's splashes of color here and there... These never fail to enthrall me during my 5 to 6 travel to and from Erbil-Kalar.

But for now, I still have enough time. I've been everywhere but I've been here the longest, away from home.  So, I'm making the most of my remaining weeks.  I'm gonna be working like crazy (that would not change) to properly wrap things up.  But, I would also be hoarding a lot of these memories while I still can...

One True Source

So I had to take this Tetanus Toxoid shot since I stepped on a nasty nail yesterday.  I went to our accredited hospital.  The funny thing is that it turned out that there is an existing law over here that such shots can only be administered by the public hospitals and not by private ones.  I had then to go to this public hospital.  The good thing was that a nurse from the private hospital accompanied us and it helped in facilitating everything.

I had to wait for a while since they have to check for allergic reaction.  So I sat there in a corner of the emergency room.  Across me, but a little farther away, is a little boy being given blood transfusion, crying his heart out.  I watch while the Mom tries to give him comfort by saying soothing things and rubbing his other hand where no tubes are attached.  I wondered what was wrong with him and why the need for blood.

There was another child who does not appear as badly hurt but is clinging on to his Mom quite tightly.  I've seen a case of a broken nose and what not's.  It was depressing and I felt my energy dropped all the more.

As I tried to get myself settled, and make good use of my time there, I tried to raise my energy, wanting to give an outpouring of support.  I was tired and ailing but I tried what I can.  Just as I was to finish, I turned and saw that another woman was also bowing behind the curtains beside me, saying her evening prayers.

I sat there and noted how awhile back I tried to ascertain how I should pray given the context where I am. Even in my silent, secret praying, I was trying to be sensitive.  And then I simply acknowledged that we really have just One True Source, we just call that Supreme Entity in different names.

Here's sending out a prayer to all who were in that hospital -- both ailing and their families alike.  It also is never easy for family to see their loved ones suffer.  It's especially hard for parents of small children.

I am running on empty as of the moment.  So raw with exhaustion both physically and emotionally.  Here's praying for my "replenishment." So help me, Baba.

Of Rivers and Rain (Heshta Xoshm Aweit)

For months
Fooled myself into thinking,
I've forgotten everything
I'm finally okay

I almost believed it
Thought, "there that was easy."
Just spend less time, ignore.
Everything will go away

Then out of the blue,
There you were
Proposing things
I've longed to share with you

Quiet moments
Togetherness
Revolving around
Music and words.

The flood gates opened
I have not forgotten
Everything was just dormant
Listing away, waiting

Much like a river
That dries up in the summer
But flows again when the rain comes
You were that rain.

Heshta Xusheim Aweit.

Letter to Forest on her Moving Up Ceremony

Six years ago. Two days from now, we'd be marking another milestone - "bridging over." In 2 months, you'd be a full-fledge 7 year old, on the verge of your next phase of growth.

I have little regrets, my Little One. I've always believed in counting my blessings instead. But with you, ah... Nanay missed a lot. I've been away a lot. We've been very creative, bridging that distance and yet I feel the loss each time.

I'm sorry if Nanay had not been there to hold your hand for the most part. I have not for a single day, however, "unheld" you from my heart.  I'm sorry to have missed a lot. Nanay promises to be there more often for the second phase, holding your hand for most of the days.

You are my life. I see so much of me in you and yet you are uniquely, delightfully, your own person. I see that everyday now -- your wit, quick mind, happy, innocent countenance. It was my loss to have missed the first part of your unfolding.  But, I also know who you are and who I am now are bourne out of the set of circumstances defining our recent past. So there is also gratitude in that.

I could only look forward to our soon to be recent present and future. It's the promise if that, where I draw my strength from. Here's shouting to the universe my love for you, Forest and how proud I am of you. I love you, hurot.

Women Power

So I sat in this taxi, in the middle of Ethiopian traffic. I'm listening to this deejay from the radio talking about Pakistan"s pink taxi hitting the road tomorrow. They would be driven by women. They're intended to be an all-women taxi for women. This, to counter sexual harassment incidents.

To me that was significant because I just came from the Ethiopian National Museum to see Lucy.

Now, of all the "artifacts" that would have to tell a story about the "transition" of man from a tree-climbing, stooping primate into that of the upright, walking Homo sapiens, it had to be a woman. But of course! :)

It was an interesting visit at the museum, made more so because of the guide there. I had always wondered what makes Lucy so special. And he was right there, facing us and asking the question loudly. He then said that because of all the artifacts ever found, hers simply has more "pieces." Pieces, that yielded more information, weaving a more intricate story. Right then and there I felt more affinity towards her. After all, I love to tell stories too.

Lucy was/is the in-between, the link that resolves the disconnect. And how powerful is that? That it had to be a woman evokes in me a lot of mixed emotions. Come to think of it, women, throughout history have consistently demonstrated that they play a very significant role. That they've yielded power, in the same way that men did. And yet, somewhere a long the way, women have been subjugated. Silenced. Made mute. 

Oh, I'm not about to strike a debate about feminism. Nor, do I wish to start a fight with the supposedly-enemy (men). I just find Lucy's story so mind boggling. I looked at her, bones and all, lying there, so quiet. And yet, every bit and pieces of her, every bone, and every cracks in them weave such a powerful story about the history of the modern human being.

As we walked through the other parts of the museum, our guide took us to this imposing photo of what is said to be a depiction of the modern man's great, great ancestor. He pointed and said, "Look, meet your grandfather. He is asking where you've been!" Then he added, "You had to get a visa to get here, right? But here's your ancestor. You are, in every aspect, Ethiopian." That made me smile.

Where have I been? I've been everywhere. Blessed enough to have had lots of opportunities to move around and in the process make a contribution in my own little way as well. I am the modern Lucy, brave enough to stand upright and inch my way bit by bit towards the fulfillment of my dreams. Thank you, God.

Usman

Meet Usman. Tonight's gift. We were eating at a street cafe, enjoying our shawarma when he came, lugging his heavy keyboard and sat in the table next to ours.

He played, "where do I begin to tell the story..." And it was indeed a night of stories.

His first story was how today,  he wore a woman's pair of shoes over his shoulders and played on the streets. He said it was in honor of the women for today's Intl Women's Day. Then he said, nowadays you can find Chekov's and Sarte's books being sold on the streets, very cheap. But shoes, they placed on fancy display cases and sold at such steep prices. It tells you that nowadays, cultivating the mind is not priced (or prioritized) very high.

He then proceeded to tell us about his daughter who came home one day and announced she had fallen greatly inlove. Now, in this context that's not something any daughter can say. She'd end up really hurt (or even worse) from doing so. He said, he stopped playing the piano, stood up and kissed her hand. Then he said, "Good for you!"

The next day, the man came asking for her hand in marriage saying he's ready to buy all the gold that he would require of him for her. He told him, "I don't need your gold for my daughter. What I want you to do is to buy her flowers everyday." Then he told us, to this day, he still brings her flowers... It was but an hour of conversation but eternities were exchanged. He said at one point, we all are but stories. Indeed... Indeed. What story are you leaving the world? #fellowtraveller #stories #travels #passingthrough #today'sgem #traveltreasures

Be

Today was a good day. There was a lot of learning for me, work-wise and even at a personal level.  I’m not gonna go into the boring details of talking about work.  Also, the urgency I’ve felt to pen these “aha-moments” down is something deeper than my realizations on how I can do my work better…

So I sat there listening, interacting and learning on a more cerebral level.  And then, out of the blue it hit me.  Maybe it had something to do with who the person is but looking at him, I thought about Rod.  I remember a particular incident wherein a classmate tagged him in an fb post and making a reference to his effeminate mannerisms.  I know it is childhood innocence at play but I remember being a bit upset about it. My motherly, protective instinct got amped really high. 

I think some part of me is remembering as well how children can be cruel too.  I’ve had my share of that while growing up.  And yes, of course that is all processed and forgiven.  I’ve come a long way but what I could remember from it, was that it was a pain I want to spare my children from. 

So back to that incident, I remember getting in touch with Tatay right away to check on Rod.  To ask him to ask Rod carefully whether he might be getting somewhat bullied in school but is just not telling us.  I remember getting in touch with Rod right away and asking the same thing.  Of course, I tried my best to handle it really well.  I know ensuring that your child continues to trust you on most things is very important and that very little could break that trust. 

Anyway, so all of these things were running in my head (at, probably, one hundred miles per minute as everything was very quick.  I guess being attuned to the universe, one gains the aptitude for thought processes running within close range of the speed of light wahehe!).   I was also brought back to the time when Tatay and I would have conversations on this and how relieved I was in knowing that like me, our children’s being who they are comes part and parcel of our love for them – unconditional and a given.  And not something that had to be a certain way before we can respond accordingly.  To me that’s a big thing, knowing Tatay loves our children and that he do not have this notion, picture in his head as to how they should be. 

I had an inkling of this when Rod totally shied away from soccer.  I thought Tatay had this dream of having his son follow on his footsteps and become another football “somebody” in his own little way. When it turned out Rod doesn’t want any of it, Tatay did nothing.  He was like, just shrugged it off and that was that.  I guess I was the one more wanting Rod to reconsider.    Me and that image in my head – the should’s and the-what-ought-to-be’s (rolling of the eyes here). 

So, that’s when it hit me.  As parents, we often have dreams for our children.  We work so hard – well, at least in our case – to make sure that we are able to afford them with as much opportunity as we can. And by dreams, we often have this notion that it comes in the form of achieving something – becoming a doctor, a lawyer, a businessman or finding themselves doing something that they love like being a visual artist, a musician, a writer or what have-you’s.  But do we ever for one minute just consider, letting them be, letting them unfold to whoever they want to be. 

Oh this is something we think about and very seriously consider.  But even so, I have to admit that it is something that I am not truly conscious about.  I remember writing about in my letter to Rod when I was still pregnant with him about how I am holding my breath in anticipation to being a witness to his own becoming… I still do, but often being in the world, we lose our way and become trapped in all these societal, popular notion of what “success” looks like and wanting that for our children.  But now, sitting here, thinking about this more fully, “success” should be equated with our children, growing up to be persons expressing their truth (whatever that is) freely, joyfully and without fear.  I don’t even want to talk about “potential” because that gets easily tainted with all those “societal notions.” 

But yeah, how often do we allow ourselves to think and define this so-called success as them, simply becoming their authentic self? To be, become, unfold into the persons they are meant to be?  Like freely choosing, defining for themselves what their sexual orientation would be, food preferences, the things that they value and hold dear, and the causes they would want to believe in and fight for?  To be able to express themselves, their truth in ways they would want to?

And how as parents do we ever "prepare" for that? Right now, the answer that readily comes to mind is really to love... To make them grow up secure in the knowledge that as they define themselves, we are here -- to hold their hand, love without judgment and ever ready to have their back no matter what. That no matter if they would be judged, criticized by others for the choices that they make, they can count on us to be there, ready to listen and have faith in them. That though as parents (as distinct individuals ourselves) we may not often understand what they may choose for themselves, we know that these sprung forth from within them, dictated by their own truth and something we ought to respect as well.  That and maybe also always working hard at being more conscious of our parenting… of being our own authentic self as well… Because, children also learn by watching us.  We are, after all, their “first line” where “education” is concerned.  We are the most closest to them and the one they identify with the most… Whew! Such a tall order.  Abba God, help me.

In Time

Dreaming of strings

Strums, strums
Fingers on air
Palm slaps on thighs
Music in my head
And in my heart

Clearing my head
Of work thoughts
Numbers phasing
Technical
Factual words
Of world gone crazy

Traveling inwards
Remembering
Soulful intentions
Drama
Life as a stage
Golden through Iron Age

All will be well,
In time
Om Shanti.

Never Enough

T'is never enough, it seems,

Some exchanges, a few words

A glance, 

A smile.

Moments gone too soon

Inadvertently left wanting

Needing more

Time to be together

Thankful
For green tea
Back and forth at the door
Chased through the gate

Completed my day. 

Recharging Batteries

I was feeling low, having those thoughts when Tatay came on Skype to ask me why I'm not sleeping yet.  I told him what my thoughts are and he immediately called me.  Over chat he had already told me that these things are beyond my control and even made reference to the universe.

Seeing me crying, he urged me to just come home saying I'm stressed in more ways than one being where I am. He then tried to soothe me with small words of comfort, urging me to go to take my much needed sleep.  And I feel grateful.  Tatay knows me well.  He knows me well enough to not dismiss all that I'm feeling as drama... Or even just to wonder why I should feel that way.  And there's affirmation in that, in being understood, on knowing where I'm coming from.

I remember having this conversation with Jenny before, as to how I don't really need a partner who would give me the sun and the moon... someone who would be able to provide me with all the material comfort I need. These things are not that important to me because I know I am more than capable of providing myself those things.  And besides, my needs and wants are simple. I remember telling her, I need someone who would be there for me.  Someone who would hold my hand and listen to me.  I remember saying something like, "someone I can curl up next to, to give me the much-needed hugs, replenishing all the energy that I have lost from pursuing my many causes... I need someone who can 'recharge' me.  So I can go up and leave again and fight my battles anew."

In more ways than one, that's what Tatay is to me.  Though he can also be my source of stress (indeed!), I do know that he is my quiet anchor, next to God and family.  Simply, by "getting" me, "knowing" me in ways that no one would.  I love you, Tay.  Thanks  for being that steady (sometimes erratic pag saputon), source of affirmation.

On the Edges of Infinity

When I think of tenderness,

I think of you

I doubt not the love that you feel for me

Even if when I thought about pain,

It’s you who comes to mind as well.

When I thought about connection,

I think about what we have

That instant undeniable recognition

Intensity from day one,

Got nurtured in time.

I met you when I was doing something I love

Surrounded by everything that helps complete me

We were in the midst of the woods

Stood in awe of a great waterfall

Running through trails

From then on

We found ourselves constantly

In nature’s midst

Often  on top of a mountain

Amidst raging surf, braving the sea

You were my adventure buddy

Still is

Always will be

So many places to see

And explore still

With you

I feared nothing

Despite my physical fragility

You and my strong resolve

Compensate for what I lack

So while I maybe away

Often alone

Sometimes in need of affirmation

I think of you and what we have

It’s enough to get me through the day

You brought me laughter

Even the greatest pain

I am well awake though to know

That we’ve decided on this

On the edges of infinity

To help each other along

Confront our lack

Come full circle…

I love you, B.

On The Right Track

For the past two days now, Tatay has been sending sweet nothings thru SMS.  It's a far cry from the usual jealous outbursts of the past few months.  And those were really trying months for me.  It was difficult juggling work and at the same time, on the side I have to tend with a "wrathful" hubby breathing down my neck and being emotionally challenging.  But yeah these two days had been bliss.

Yesterday, he started by asking me how I was and then proceeded to tell me how his day was. He was supervising some work on a project he was sub-contracted for.  He was actually just beating up his chest, playing proud and all and wanting praise from me.  It was adorable and quite like the Bee I fell in love with 14 years ago.  Of course I told him how proud I was of him and how happy I was to see him so happy.

We talked about a lot of things just like the old times.  He asked me if we could sponsor some school supplies for a community in Sarangani.  I told him to involve the children.  He said they could not go to the actual distribution as it is quite far and he had another outdoor activity to attend to.  We settled with having the children buy the school supplies.  That way, they would also be aware that the family does such things.  And while we were having this conversation, I felt grateful once again that for all our differences, we have shared vision where rearing up the children this way is concerned.  It is very important to me that the children would grow up always coming from the perspective of love and always looking for ways of being able to contribute.  And I am happy that Tatay share that as well.

Yesterday, he ended our conversation (littered with iloveyou's) by thanking me for everything I've done for him and the family. I reminded him I would not be able to do everything without him and Mama's support.  I thanked him as well.

The past two years had been the most challenging for us. I've gone through hell.  There were times I've been very ready to just give up and walk away.  But always, I know deep down the commitment is real and that the love is genuine.  I may have questioned that at certain points in the past two years given what happened but I do know this one's for real.  I must admit that fear of trusting and being hurt all over again is something I still feel.  But I do know deep down, we're both in here for the long haul.  One do not just walk away from a sacred contract.  When there's a breach, you don't just burn the contract and walk away.  You give it another try and hope against hope that you've made the right decision to trust again...

Ring and Bracelets

Ring dropped
Picked up
Tried
Too small for yours
Too big for mine

Much like
What we have now
Shared affection
Yet circumstance
Don't make way for rings

Let's settle
For bracelets then
Silvery ones
Embraces
But never shackles...

Just That

I desire not to posses
Nor to label
Anything
That might be there
Or might not be

I just want to live
The moment
Acknowledge
What the heart whispers
Not what the intellect interjects

I dream not of forever
Or what could be
That's far too beyond
What is now
And might not come

I have no want
Of promises
Or grand gestures
Nor to agitate
Over what tomorrow brings

I just want
What's now
Seize the moment
Love when I could
While I still could

Nothing much
But shared
Conversation
Laughter
A touch or two...

Today

Popped
Conversations
Taking photos of
Sunsets
Full moon
Bag gesture
Seated
Snip of a moment
Today

Chains

In the veil of the dark,
Chains raised
Bowed head
Passing through

Casual gesture
Nothing extraordinary
But it was a moment
In time with you

So treasured
It is
Kept in that corner
That contains memories of you...