100 Hair Strokes

Forest and I had a quick skype call, today.  They had been trying to reach me since at around 5 PM their time.  That would be 12 noon, my time.  I was, however, sound asleep.  I think, several weeks of working non-stop, sleeping really late and having no weekend has finally taken it's toll.  After cooking and having breakfast, I felt sleepy and so I decided to just laze it a bit and went to bed.  I must have dozed off.  Waking up later at 3 PM, I realised I've slept soundly for 6 hours! (This explains why I'm still wide awake till now :P)

I quickly called them back and Tatay's curt opening was, "Asa diay ka?! (Where have you been?)"  He sounded a bit irritated and a tad suspicious :P  So I told them I fell asleep.  He urged me to go back to sleep but I heard Forest's cute, little voice in the background.  

They were already preparing to sleep as it was already 8 PM, their time.  Forest has just finished taking a bath and her hair was at a disaray.  I pointed it out to her and asked if nobody has taken my place to comb her hair 100 times at night.  Her quick reply, "Na-miss ko na nga, Nay.  Nakaiyak nga ako, naalala ko wala na nagasuklay ng buhok ko! (I miss those moments, Nanay.  I remembered it the other day and I cried!)"

What can I say to that?  I told her I missed those moments too and that I'm looking forward to doing that again when I get back home.

I miss you, Baby Forest.  Nanay can't wait so I can enjoy your hugs and kisses again.  While we exchange a lot of those through our skype calls, I know they could never compensate for the real thing.  I love you!

To My Daughter by Heart, Janin

It seems only yesterday when you came so suddenly in our lives.  You were a welcome joy though, the new baby in the family after having Ate Lian fully grown up and leaving for the UK.  You made my being a Tita finally official, being my only brother’s daughter. 

Like a typical, doting Tita, I bought you and bombarded your days and nights with Mozart’s and classical music for babies.  (Maybe that was also the reason why you have such a distinct, sizeable, heart-shaped head hehehe)  You were such a cute, hair-less baby that it was such a delight to buy you clothes (Mama Gaga, Ate Lian, Ate Tunga and Lola Linda did the same).  You have become Nanay’s little doll.  Sorry for that one, especially for taking such a long time to notice that you absolutely abhorred putting on cutesy, little, frilly dresses and blouse. 

Today, you’re turning 13, a full-fledged little woman.  If you notice, I refuse to call you a little “lady” because of the many connotations that go along with the term.  And Nanay has caught on by now, enough to know that using the word to describe you would be like referring to a different person altogether.  The term does not fully capture your spirit, your spunk, your strength that you so carefully hide under that quiet demeanor.  But Nanay has taken notice, Anak.  I see your strength and long so much to see you yield it. 

I know Nanay has not always been there but I would like to reiterate with you today what you, Forest and Rod often talk about – Rod burst out and came to me the most natural way; Forest sprung out through a huge CS-section through my tummy; but you came into my life through my heart.  There you have stayed since. 

I know that Nanay might seem so strict with you before.  While not wanting to make excuses, you came at a time when Nanay was a bit young and so full of ideals about things.  At that time, Nanay did not have the benefit yet from the lessons and joys learned brought about by mothering my own offspring – Rod and eventually Forest. Nanay had learned so much since then and hopefully, had adjusted accordingly. 

Know that Nanay loves  you very much.  My strictness might be borne out of the wrong assumption that you are your father’s extension.  I love you father so much, Anak.  I miss him everday.  He was the only brother I had and having him taken away so early has brought on a void that I had unconsciously thought you could fill.  But Nanay is more aware now and recognizes full well that you are your own person.

You are now officially a teen.  Recalling my own, I know it could be a stage that could be quite confusing and exciting (Nanay wants to use the word, “exhilarating” but you might find it puzzling.  Look it up at the dictionary though.  Or should I say, “google it”?) at the same time.  It’s a time when you would be struggling to find your own person, your own style.  It’s a time when 10 or more so years down the line you would grimace at the pictures of you shown in “baduy” outfits or things you would never be caught dead again wearing. 

But guess what?  I would advise you to embrace such “kabaduyan” or awkwardness.  Experiment with clothes. Wear whatever you feel like wearing.  Do not worry about what other people would think or measure up your own fashion sense to other people’s standards.  I know you go to a Catholic school (and from my own experience the Sisters might frown on this but go ahead anyway) but yeah, experiment with different ways of wearing your hair.  I know for now you insist on keeping it long.  Should you, however, feel like wanting to chop them all off, wear curls, or have a shaved nape underneath those long tresses, go ahead! Nanay will support you on that one (and even argue with Lola if I have to! Hehehe)

What I’m trying to really say, Anak is that how you look does not make your person.  It’s what is inside that truly matters and where you should spend more energy and time on.  I’m also saying that teenage years could be confusing and you’d be struggling with trying to define who you really are as a person.  Well, I’ve got news for you, that would never stop – that finding who you are.  That is a never ending process as long as you live and no matter how old you get.  So yeah, it’s okay to try on things but yeah within reasonable limits. BE CAREFUL NOT TO DO THINGS THAT LEADS TO LASTING CONSEQUENCES.  Do not trade momentary “joys” for a lifetime of regrets.  At your age, telling which is which could really be difficult.

Always pray so that you would always be mindful of God’s guidance.  And always talk to Nanay, Lola and Tatay to ask our opinion on things you’re trying to figure out for yourself.  Each of us might tell you different things and truths.  Take each one, and listen closely which tugs at your heart the most. 

It is Nanay’s wish that you would live up to your truth, Anak.  This sentence could be quite confusing for now but Nanay is always here to always talk to you about that one.  I could not and never wish to dictate you on how you ought to live your life but since I’ve been a teenager once, have and is struggling through adulthood, I could impart lessons and share with you things to help you avoid unnecessary pains.  But yeah, Nanay’s truth could be very far from your own.  Your life’s journey could be very different from mine.  But, Nanay (and Lola Linda and Lola Fely and Tatay and Mama Gaga, Ate Tunga, Ate Lian and the rest of the family for that matter) is here to hold your hand, back you up all throughout.  Your Papa might not be here anymore but his love for you shines and expresses itself through all of us.  Know that you are loved very much. 

I love you very much.  Happy, happy birthday.  Let’s have this conversation real soon when I’m back home.  Enjoy your day! 

Ageing Gracefully

Dear 30 year-old, don't sweat out the small stuff. Listen and be respectful of what others have to say but stick to your own values. You don't have to please everyone so don't go through lengths -- at the expense of having to compromise your own happiness and sense of self -- just so you can earn the "approval" of some people who do not care about you at all.

Value family. And I could not stress this enough.

Invest in yourself -- pursue your passion, have hobbies, travel, read more, learn more... Try your best to always be coming from the perspective of love. It's quite daunting but still try anyway. And this includes loving YOURSELF. You cannot give what you do not have.

And yeah, life is a process of learning, unlearning, relearning... So don't be afraid to make mistakes or change your mind... Just live. Take it a day at a time and enjoy your own "unfolding."

Love, a 40 year old...

Soon

It's a certain longing, a certain yearning that fills my heart when we're apart;
It's that smile and laughter that readily springs when we talk;
It's that lightness that fills me at the very thought of you;
It's the wanting to have your name escape my lips in every five sentences or so;
Its the overwhelming desire to share everything with you;
A thought, a line, an experience, a moment;
It's the wanting to touch, to reconnect, to intertwine in time;
I don't ask for much (though how I long for so much more);
I just want to be at the receiving end of the love reflected in your eyes...

"Face-Book"

It's one of my bad habits really, if one can call it that -- after accomplishing a really substantial task at work (a difficult section of a major report, or having finished a minor one), I would "crave" for facebook.  Very often, I would give in to the temptation, to give me some time of a "mental break" following any of those "technical task."  Yup, excuses, excuses hehehe  After all, almost everybody just loves to facebook, period.

But yeah, so here I am now, on my first "long" overseas assignment and coming in when there is so much to catch up with, there really is very little time to do facebook.  I must add though, that on two occasions, I certainly did manage to do so.

What urged me to pen this down really is the sudden realization that I have found my alternative to facebook and that is to discuss face-to-face with a colleague, books that we both love to read (separately that is).  And indeed, it has proven to be such a good mental break.

I find it refreshing to finally have a colleague to have book-chats with.  Although, lunch hour with the previous team also has it's "book-club-moments,"  books as a topic was not really a regular thing.  Right now though I enjoy in-between-tasks banter over books.  It's totally refreshing.

Funny, but I'm reminded of one of those intimate conversations I had with Tatay just before I left.  We were enumerating each others' good traits.  I grew thoughtful and told him how it just occurred to me the "logic" behind why it's him in my life and not anyone else.  I told him how he fits "exactly" the bill of what the current "me" needs. It sounds more selfish than what I really mean but there is no other way to express it for now.  And then, while I was telling him exactly that, I had an after thought and pointed out that -- except perhaps for the "books."  He knew right away what I meant.

Tatay and books are like water and oil.  They just don't mix.  I've been encouraging him to read short stories but short or not, it's just not up his alley and I totally understand.   So when I mentioned that he quickly asked, "What if you would find your "books" and have that person mindful of your well-being as well?  What then?"  I did not have to think long and hard to answer his question.  I asked him back, "What then?" To me it's a non-issue.  I thought then that I will be -- and now that it is happening to me, am -- grateful.  Beyond that, however, nothing would change.

The whole thing has made me think.  In the light of what Tatay "did" to me, a minute part of me is wondering if I would ever entertain the thought of retaliating, dishing him with a "payback" situation.  In truth?  Not really.  I'm much too... "simple" to ever want to complicate my life by making bad choices.  Besides, it's not just "my" choice to make.

So yeah, I'm way past the stage where I may swoon at the slightest hint of "alike-ness."  Well, I am not, "not affected" by it, that's for sure.  But yeah, I am much too simple... and perhaps getting far too old for wanting to change my relationship status into "it's complicated."  Besides, it's not just about me and of course it's a two-way thing.  And another thing, I have children!  And that, says it all.

Little Things

I remember having to stiffle a groan (sometimes I couldn't even help  myself) every time Forest would say, as an after thought, that she would need her bottle after all.  This would be just after we've washed up, said our prayers and finished reading a bedtime story.  This would be right around the time when we're just about to sleep and my body settling down for the much needed break.

Yet now, here I am - wishing I'm back home and making Forest her dede. Sigh, this is tough. 

God, grant me the grace to bear this cross. Hold me and my lovedones close to Your heart. Keep us all safe and protect us from temptation. I miss my little ones.

Safety Issues

The other day, we had a bit of plastic balloon day. It was brief since I spent the morning in the office.

Tonight, Rod and I had an interesting conversation. He "scolded" me for not being mindful about the bedroom's lock. 

A few week's back, Tatay had to destroy it since Forest got locked up inside while sleeping. We haven't found the time to replace it yet. Since Tatay is out for the night, the role of "man of the house" got delegated to him once again. And he takes that role very seriously. He double-checked all locks and thus lamented the fact we don't have one for the bedroom. When I told him I was not able to prioritize it because I recently got hospitalized and then there's the ongoing construction of our dining room extension, he wailed, "But what is more important, a beautiful house or our own safety?!" Huh! Where is that coming from? :p

Little Chefs

Yesterday was their third day for the Kiddie Crew workshop.  When we took them there, they told us they are making cheese burgers that day.  Little did I know that they will be provided with chef's hats and aprons.  Since I will be at work, I asked Ate Janin to take photos when they could.  It was a good thing because they all looked cute with their hats and aprons :)

Summer Workshop 2015

Today, the kids had their first day for their summer McDo Kiddie Crew workshop.  It’s the second time for Janin and Rod but truly a first for Forest. 

 It was amusing to note that Forest barely made it past the counter top at the receiving area of the store but she sure did look adorable.  The parents there had a fun time taking pictures and I was one of them.

Chona and Mamay dropped by to catch up with me and my plans about leaving.  It was a good time altogether.

Other photos:

Spending Time with the Kids

Had a very enjoyable day today with the kids.  We woke up late.  Being too lazy to bother with breakfast, Tatay suggested we went to Jollibee instead.  I thought he was referring to the branch in Ulas but when he took the gasul with us, I figured we must be heading to the Calinan branch since the Pryce refilling station is right along that route.  And right I was. It was already a little past 8 in the morning and so we did not bother to change into “going-out” get-ups.  I went with my Oxfam shirt and running shorts.  Forest had her matching Frozen shirt and shorts.  Tatay and Rod were wearing shorts as well.  Only Rod bothered to wear his Converse sneakers.  All the four of us were wearing slippers.

We ordered 1 pancake bunch (which the kids shared); 1 hotdog meal for the egg (the kids shared the hotdog); 1 chicken burger meal for Rod and 2 chicken meals for Tatay and I.  Tatay, Rod and I had a pineapple drink each while Forest relished the hot choco drink that gave her a cute little mustache and made her all the more adorable. 

We went to Dairy’s Best next where the kids had a field day ordering choco milk bars.  Tatay also treated us to a liter each of durian-flavored and melon-flavored fresh milks.  It sure made everyone’s day. 

It was such a full day.  We went back to the house to get ready for the mid-day Mass.  We were all quite lethargic and so we ended up being late for it.  Tatay and I would have wanted to sleep the more while Forest and Rod were glued to the “Songs of the Sea.”  It took a lot of frustrated urging from my end before they managed to get to the bathroom to shower. 

After the Mass, we went straight to Mc Donald’s for their Kiddie Crew orientation.  Yup, a bit “divergent” of our Tuburan ways but Kuya and Ate are joining.  Forest wanted in too so I thought it better to include her least she would feel deprived or something. Lola and Janin were late in coming but they managed to come right before the grand tour of the restaurant. 

To cap the day off, we watched Divergent.  It was a good movie albeit too many violence.  What I loved about it is that Rod and I got into talking about the “realness” of the fight scenes among others.  We got to talk about acting and camera trick.  My take-away is that Rod is indeed growing up.  His usual 101 questions are  now more… thought provoking.

Indeed so, since only yesterday, he also asked me about love scenes and why they are needed in the films.  Earlier yesterday, I lectured him about tinkering with my external hard drive since there are movies there that might be of adult content.  And so the above question.  I told him that films – the really good ones – are sometimes designed to depict real life and thus some of them are peppered with ‘love scenes’ since it’s a reality among married couples.  His rejoinder made me laugh and appreciate his mind.  He said, “Kawawa naman ang work nung actors, Nay no?  They would have to do that.”  I explained that often, in making scenes like those, very few people are allowed in the room where the scenes are being shot and thus making it a lot easier for the actors to “act” their part.  But I also affirmed that even though, those scenes would still be shown to a bigger audience, reaching a lot more.

I am grateful for the kind of relationship that Rod and I have.  I appreciate the fact that he never hesitates to ask me questions, consult me about anything that he thinks/ wonder about.  I’m glad that he still comes to me because it shows that he trusts that I will give him the right answers and that I would not judge him in any way for his questions.  I’m praying that we would maintain this same openness and that his trust in me would continue to grow…

Delighting in Today

I'm starting the countdown and trying my best to make each day count.  I'm just grateful that there were a lot of opportunities that made it possible for me to catch up with friends that I haven't seen for a while.  It's the time with the kids that I've been left wanting though.  There were just a lot of things that needed my attention these past few weeks.  So I was never really home with the kids.  By the time I get home, it's already really late and they're sleeping already.

Today, I worked from home and I'm glad I did.  I could see that the kids enjoyed my being around.  They've been asking me for the past weeks (ever since they knew I'm going away) whether I still have to go to the office.  Sadly, I had had to.  There was even an instance last week when Forest was learning how to ride the bike for the first time that I had to leave with Tatay later in the day. Forest was very vocal and expressed, "Hindi mo man kami love talaga, Nay. Dito ka lang!"

Today, I enjoyed Forest and Ate Janin tinkering with the piano.  I've worked from the clubhouse in the late afternoon and enjoyed simply being with them as they played with their bikes.  Tonight, I watched Rod and Forest draw.  I even helped Forest in the coloring when she asked me to.

Forest has been very clingy lately but I relish every moment of it.  I love how she's very vocal about expressing "I love you's" and how she would miss me when my time to leave would come.  Just tonight, while she was coloring her drawing, I sat there looking at her and found the scene really touching.  I called out, "I love you, Forest" to which she readily countered back with, "I love you, Nanay.  I will miss  you too!" Everything said in her cute, little voice.

I know I will miss the kids tremendously but I take comfort at the thought that being apart for now would only deepen our wanting to be there for each other.  This is the reason why we're now finding ways to do just that in whatever way we can be.

But yeah, thank you God for today, for the wonderful time I've spent with the kids.  It's a treasure I'll be keeping close to my heart to sustain me in the days ahead...

Pain

Softly hums
Intensifies
Tears insides apart

Reasons
Holds on to faith
Hope springs anew

Pain abates
Yet never departs
It's a constant ache

Leaving heart tender
Bruised
Scarred

Dora

And so I had my haircut.  Got varied reactions. The conversation in the car after picking me up from the parlor:

Tatay took one look and told me I cut it a tad too short and not to do it again
Rod: Hello, Dora.  (Bwahahaha) Oo nga, Nay.  Di masyado maganda.
Forest: Di gud, Nay. Bagay sa yo.  Maganda ka!
Rod: Well, boys kami ni Tatay so...

And I was like, "So that makes it more valid?" :P

A year ago today: Rod's First Overnight

Am having some slight separation anxiety. Left Rod in school for an overnight activity. Our family's first. I lingered for quite some time, wanting to make sure he is fine.

He was like, "Bye, Nay! Why are you still here? See you tomorrow!" I think he repeatedly said goodbye 5 times, sort of pushing me away. But he did give me a few lingering hugs as well. Sigh! Enjoy your stargazing activity, Rod. Enjoy the moon too!

Forest's Mimicking

Urging Forest to lead our prayer for the meals the "Tuburan-way," she happily did and then excitedly shared, "Alam mo, Nay, may bago kami. Pagkatapos kumain maghawakan ulit tapos magsabi, 'Salamat sa pagkaon.'  Tapos tayo agad." Very quickly she added, in her most gentle voice, "Jay, magtarong ug lingkod..." 

Probably noting my confusion, she said, "Oo, sabi rin ni Tita Vivian." Hehe 

#TuburanCommunity #BabyTales :)

In Omnibus Amare et Servire Domino

We’ve just marked another milestone in Rod’s life.  He had his First Communion this morning.  Last Friday, his Tatay and I went for a “dry-run” of the ceremony.  The parents were walked through the parts where we will be participating: the Recession and the actual receiving of the Holy Host. 

Even then, I was already emotional. It actually caught me off-guard.  I wasn’t expecting to be teary-eyed at all.  At one point, the children were practicing the songs for the Mass.  As expected, they were wrought with meaning, giving voice to my own beliefs and relationship with my God. That’s when I became emotional, when the significance of the occasion suddenly hit me. 

My spiritual journey – although initially was based largely on our family’s tradition – had certainly, along the way, became very personal.  It was a journey that shaped and cemented whatever relationship I have right now with my God.  And today, Rod had taken on that initial step of his own journey.  I know, in time, going to Church would not be something that he only does because it’s what we normally do every Sunday as a family but because he would have that yearning to go. I know, like me, he would find God not just in the confines of his school or in church but in all unlikely places.  I know different events in his life, different mentors and ‘guides’ would help shape for him his faith.  And I pray that he would have a very meaningful journey because his faith would play a very significant role in how he would conduct his life and in the choices that he’d make along the way.  I wish I could just pass on to him my own beliefs and convictions but I knew it’s something that he had to find on his own.  I could ‘show’ him, even tell him about what it’s like in my case but I knew he’d have a Spiritual journey with God that would be their own.

But yes, so much love… I hope and pray he’d find that as well. We prayed for all of that when we were on our way to Ateneo this morning.  I’m just grateful that early on he’d learned about ‘inclusivity’ through my work and the persons he’d come in contact with.

Just the other year, we’ve marked his turning of age having turned 7.  Today, we’ve turned another leaf.  My son is indeed well on his way. I hope and pray we, as parents, would be able to help him as much as we can along the way… serving, 'witnessing' in our own way and being mindful always of maintaining just the right ‘tension:’  neither too tight nor too loose… 

We love you so much, Rod.  Nanay and Tatay are always here for you. It is my deepest, dearest prayer that you will find and understand the true meaning of "In omnibus amare et servire Domino... In everything love and serve the Lord..."

    

Succession Plan

Reading Rod's summative assessment paper. He actually managed to give an essay-like answer (more like analysis) to a question asked, with only a map and a graph as basis.

Hmm... He's only 8 and he made good use of the data like total land area of provinces and able to make comparison. It's amusing to note how his paper is littered with population and land area numbers.

Someone's taking after Nanay :p His  logic is faultless.  I think, with a few coaching on composition, I can already retire :p

I Want...

Intimacy... a kind of knowing that does not require words...
Respect... that does not have to be earned but readily given...
Communion... deeper than "connection"... a sharing that doesn't really care about having similar interests but just the spontaneous desire to share one's thoughts, views and experiences... It's an outpouring with no other intention but to just "be" and being welcomed for it...

Not Quite Fair Trade

Enterprising kids! Saving up for travel funds. Snorkeling fees in Oslob and Underground River entrance fees.  They're selling some meringue candies and junk food :P  They buy it from a sari-sari store for one peso and sell it with 50 cents margin.  Good thing there are other kids buying them just the same. Had to teach them about setting a fair price.

Ormoc

It’s my last day in Ormoc.  And I’m looking at this glorious sunset before me and I think to myself, what a nice way to cap the entire week.  I’m facing the bay and I could see a passenger ship slowly inching its way towards this city’s port. 

The entire week, I feel pretty much like that ship -- just passing by.  All week I’ve visited 3 cities and 5 municipalities in all.  In each, I visited an average of 2 sitios and barangays.  There were good interactions with the community -- with the women and today, with the elderly.  And the latter was such a humbling experience.

This trip had made me feel privileged in every way.  First off, there's the opportunity of being a part of the Review Team.  Secondly, the communities and persons I've interacted with had been so welcoming and warm.  Without hesitation they've shared with me their hopes, apprehension and dreams. 

Being a part of the Review Team was a wealth of learning.  I had to resort to advance reading on M&E-AL (Accountability and Learning) in the humanitarian context.  At first I felt inept.  I am, after all, with experts who had years of experience in this, coming from the Aceh, Sri Lanka and Haiti experience.  But very kind people they were.  Not for once did they make me feel “inferior.”  They pointed out to me, that it is precisely my MEAL in development background that I’m bringing in, into the review.  They made me feel I’m a valuable addition to the team.  And I’m made to realize that there is no better motivation to do well in your work than that.  Without 'self-doubt’ overshadowing my thoughts, I was more focused in my work.  That and the fact that of course, coming from the perspective of gratitude, all the more I was driven to contribute ‘genuinely’ in every way I can. 

To have been welcomed openly by the community and persons I’ve come in contact with was a humbling experience.  At some level I knew I shouldn’t have been surprised by that.  Chalk it down to being Filipino – where everything is always bordering on the ‘personal.’  Of course I ought to expect nothing less.  Being with the team, however, who hails from all parts of the world, I am made to appreciate this fact all the more.  They shared they don’t get this anywhere and even would jokingly ask me if we, Filipinos, are indeed the nicest people on the earth.  How would one reply to that? 

I can’t help but feel privileged to have the women and the elderly talk to me about needs, apprehensions for the immediate future and their hopes for the years to come.  I've also talked with several key local government officials but it’s my conversations with the people in the community that greatly affected me.

Picture this, I would enter their homes, ravaged by the storm.  I could tell they were very self-conscious about it but they welcome me anyway.  Not only once did I get to hear about personal problems, totally not connected about the review I'm making but I listened intently as well.  I got to hear family histories that would eventually lead up to how Haiyan/Yolanda only compounded everything.  It's heartbreaking to realize that these families are very poor to begin with.  One of the women I talked with said, "Kung pwede lang makig-away kay Yolanda, makig-away gyud ko! Pila ka tuig namo gitindog among balay, unya walaon lang sa kadali!" (If only I could fight with Yolanda/Haiyan, I would! It took us years to build our home, only to have it gone in an instant!) 

I could certainly relate.  For Filipinos, family is the greatest treasure, thus the home is also regarded with great value.  So no matter how humble the circumstance, every Filipino longs to have a decent house for the family.  Take the case of OFWs for instance.  Though not true to all, it's significant to note that once family situation becomes better, among the first few things invested on, is the family home.  It has become a common reaction to readily assume that a nice looking house that stood out against its neighbors with much humbler abodes is owned by an OFW. 

Certainly, the communities that we've visited have lost so much.  Most of them (if not all) are looking at the future with so much uncertainty.  What's consoling though is noting that despite all that, they remained hopeful.  They still joke and laugh about their situation.  When one of the community organizers joked with the elderly about them having to forget about livelihoods considering their advanced age, and to forget about the coconuts (most of them in Leyte are coconut farm tenants), they laughed but quickly pointed out that they still need the coconuts (or the income they derived from it) to buy rice.  To me, that moment was poignant.  What that statement underlined is the elderly's concern as to where to source out their food, now that their primary source of income is gone.  

What served as an eye-opener to me in this week's trip is that the elderly often gets lumped in the "most vulnerable" category, one of the very first thing we looked for during rapid assessments.  And the danger in that is that their needs would also be "lumped" alongside the needs of the "others" when a more in-depth look into their needs should be undertaken.  I'm not saying the organizations working on the ground make this mistake.  If anything, I salute every organization that devote time, resources, heart, passion and soul trying to address life-saving concerns in an emergency situation. Without a doubt, intentions in this kind of "work" is always noble (not including the politicians who are doing it for media mileage and for their own self-interests).  What I'm merely saying is, there is a need to ensure that ample time and closer scrutiny is given in assessing the elderly's needs.  Of the 14 international organizations working on the ground now for Haiyan that we've reviewed, there is only one that specifically target the elderly and I truly admire them for it. They are now one of my "favorite" humanitarian organizations (including the one in which I belong to). 

True, an elderly's needs is very different.  In my case, it was such a learning experience.  For a moment, while making the rounds and conversing with them, I found myself at a loss.  Everything I knew about livelihoods recovery (which is not also a lot) took a back seat when I was confronted with the issues and needs of the elderly.  Of course you can’t just launch on a discussion on livelihoods with them.  To begin with, you can hardly expect them to just carry on and plant a coconut once you have given them seeds; or to stand up and start fishing once you supply them with boats and nets (Disclaimer: livelihoods recovery – specially in the context of Leyte where land is “lorded” over by “big” and influential families – is not as simple as providing seeds, boats and nets). 

I can’t describe the feeling I felt when I saw them getting off from habal-habal, some walking unsteadily on their own; or being assisted by a son or daughter just to get to the meeting.  The NGO informed us that they had requested only 10 to come for the FGD but apparently word got around and even those who are from a farther sitio, came in order to participate.  And I was like, we were not there to give anything; not even to promise anything; but to ask them questions.  I acknowledged that for most of them, it must have been difficult to come but they did.  I was torn between being moved with pity and being grateful for their eagerness to lend their time.  Some of them are only 63 years old and yet they look way, way older.  I couldn't help but compare them with my 80-year old Aunt who can still conduct her business on her own.  

At that particular moment, I was once again overwhelmed with the feeling that I’m pretty much like a ship, just passing by, getting a glimpse of their situation, hearing their stories, taking a bit of their lives by taking a bit of their time. 

Stories.  Indeed, I stumbled upon a lot of stories this week and this entry would become a very long narrative if I begin to expound on all of them.  But putting it simply, this week is definitely a gift.  I learned a lot, met beautiful souls from different situations and walk of life.  For a week I was privileged to have trodden a path very much laden with giving… of one’s time, one’s self, one’s life...  And I felt grateful for having the sensitivity to recognize all of that as well.  Coming from the perspective of 'having received,'  I was driven to also give equally, authentically and sincerely.  Thank you God for one of the best week of my life.  

Family Project: Read the Bible in One Year

Before this, we were never really diligent about reading the Bible, sad to say.  We do attend Sunday Mass and have novena days (Wednesdays) but we had yet to have that shared time for reading the Bible.  With Tatay and I having to travel (intermittently) on some days, we do have a problem in keeping everything consistent. Ironically, I get to pray more with the kids when I’m on travel because I make sure I call them up during bedtime.  When I’m at home, it isn’t always the case since they would usually be asleep by the time I enter the bedroom.

I got the idea from the “Daily Devotions” I gave the olds as a gift last Christmas.  It posted a challenge there about reading the Bible in one year.  Finding a common time was easy.  We made use of the time spent every morning driving from home to school/office.  Janin goes off in like 15 minutes from the house and so we have that.   

At first we started with a chapter a day.  So on our first day we had Genesis, Chapter 1.  However, as the “stories” become more and more interesting, they would often beg to add another chapter to it.  And so at times we’d finish 2 or even three chapters in a day.  The funny thing was when we were well into Joseph the dreamer’s story, especially that part when he’d met his brothers again in Egypt after such a long time, Tatay was one with the kids in begging to continue some more.  The account on their meeting again and Joseph pretending he doesn’t know them, must have intrigued him so much that come night time, Tatay even requested that we make that as the bedtime reading instead.  So funny, considering during the first few readings he was like always asking if we’re done already so he could turn on the car’s stereo.  That certainly had me exasperated and I had to bite my tongue to keep from “lecturing” him.

Lecturing.  Hmm… that part I had to be really careful.  I must admit there are times I want to point out to the kids the “lessons” behind the stories but at the same time I was aware that doing so might spoil everything for them.  I don’t want them to associate reading the Bible as a family with one of my “lecturing sessions” again, or worse, as one of “Nanay’s nagging session!”  But yeah, I do ask what struck them the most and yeah, there are times when I’d totally give in to the temptation of pointing out the lesson.  Thank God, that isn’t often though. 

It’s my first time to read the Genesis through and through and I was surprised with the details of the stories.  Having been raised in a “very-Catholic-very-Boholano” family, I grew up following some very strict tradition that goes with the faith.  And having had my education from Catholic schools from day 1 of Kindergarten till my very last day in College, I am indeed familiar with the stories of creation, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob. Who isn’t?  But reading everything through walked me through some “parts” that totally surprised me.  For starters, there were much allusion to “laying down” and with “partners” that are not exactly…err…”conventional,” for lack of a better word.  Since I’m reading for kids, I had to go around it.  Now I fully understood why these details are kept out of my “Christian Living” books and lessons. So in the end, I took to reading the chapters first myself and so I’d know how to tell them to the kids.  And of course I had to tell them about the context of that time.  It’s a difficult balancing act but we pray before each reading. Thanks to mine and now Rod’s “Christian Living” books and the kiddy Bible we have, I know which parts to read only to the kids. 

Next stop would be the book of Exodus.  I had to be away for a travel and so we had to have a pause. But I learned a lot from that first run and looking forward to reading and learning with the kids... God bless us. 

You know, Name?!

While in Manila, had an interesting phone conversation with Rod re his homework:

Rod: Nanay, sino ang unang family sa Davao? Five points pa naman, Nay. (Who are the first family in Davao?"

Me: Teka, di ko maintindihan. (I don't quite understand) First family, as in the one who sits as Mayor? Or first family as in long ago? Can you read your assignment to me?

And he did, quite well at that, in his cute little voice that made me miss him the more.  Then I told him "lumad" is the answer. He didn't quite believe me and even lectured me: "Name man daw, Nay. You know, name? Like Rod, Janin, Rodilyn... ganyan." in an almost condescending manner ::P

Co-Parenting a Son

Pre-script: Titled this initially as "Parenting a Son" but yeah, the truth is I'm co-parenting.  I'm not here on my own, it's a shared responsibility by Tatay and I.  And yeah, while I may be stuck with my own "brand" of parenting, I certainly do not have the monopoly of "doing the right thing" where parenting our children is concerned.  Tatay is such an able partner and father.  He's one of those modern Dads who don't mind taking on some roles normally relegated to "mothers" just to be Dad to his children and I appreciate him a lot for that.  This incident actually happened a few weeks back.  Just able to finish this last night and posted it now.

It's been a while since I reflected upon and wrote something about parenthood.  Well, it's been a while since I wrote my last entry here for that matter.  The incident this morning however made me realize I should really set aside time to do so, if only to give me time to detach myself from "breaking point" situations and gain a better perspective of things. Also, I remember how at one point, my journal had been so full of my thoughts and realizations about parenthood and the almost day-to-day account of "aha" and "hmm-moments" where parenting is concerned.    And as such, it’s like chronicling also my relationship with my son and how it changed over time.  It makes me think it might be something I’d love to revisit once my son would enter that “barkada phase” wherein no amount of cajoling would make him want to spend time with me. 

Anyway, as hubby accused me this morning, I take parenthood a tad too seriously.  Well, I take my responsibilities seriously and I just happen to think that from among the many "responsibilities" entrusted in my care to date, parenthood tops the list.  So yeah, I know where he is coming from and I do feel I need to have a sit-down session with “me” just to check whether or not I'm being way over the top.

It all started with a letter from school asking if Dad's could participate in a basketball tournament of sorts.  Yeah, Tatay plays football.  He'd played it all his life so he feels inept where basketball is concerned.  I forgot about that tiny detail.  What I saw with that letter was an opportunity for him to further foster his relationship with his son.  

I've been "somewhat" pushing him to spend more time with his son.  While I try to be a good parent as I can be, I know I can only do so much for my son. Eventually, it's his father's influence that would spell a big difference in his life.  And so the "pushing."  It's not that Tatay doesn't spend time with Rod, he does. In fact, it's him who picks up Rod from school every day.  He drives Rod in the morning as well but I'm usually there and it's more of a mom-and-son-time than theirs.  And yet to me, that isn't enough.  

When Rod turned 7, we had such elaborate plans for it, marking it as ushering him into "manhood."  He and Tatay went mountain climbing (Rod's first) at the crack of dawn on his birthday.    They even had an exchange of  matching “friendship bonds” when they got to the peak to mark the event.  What I envisioned to happen after that was that Tatay and Rod would have a regular “man –thing.”  But as it was, managing two stores got in the way.  My own hectic schedule did not help things any. Whatever sychro-schedule we do manage to get, we spend catching up as an entire family.  In short, there never was that just-him-and-Rod special moment.  And then that basketball-for-school thing happened.

So we got into this vacuum conversation this morning.  Vacuum, because I was putting forward my argument, bent on getting what I want and focused only on what I thought would be good for “my” son.  Tatay on the other hand was being truthful about basketball not being his thing and how he doesn’t want to make a fool of himself, getting into something he’s totally inept at.  In other words, we were not really making a connection.  We were both blind to the other’s point but our own.  So in truth, we weren’t really hearing each other.  Our ears respectively were tuned in only to hearing the other’s assent.  Getting neither, our argument continued.

As is often the case with me where this is concerned, I got emotional.  To me, at that point, everything else is secondary (if not irrelevant) to Rod’s getting that “manhood apprenticeship” from his own Dad.  At one point I got so frustrated I underlined to Tatay how serious parenting is to me and how it’s a consideration for every decision I had to make.  I emphasized as a mother I can only do so much for our son who is growing up fast every day.  In an outburst I said that if only I could grow a p***$ and manufacture testosterone for myself then I would and take on that role for my son.  That’s when he threw in that “me and parenting tad too seriously” line.

Looking back, Tatay of course has a point.  Asking him to play basketball in front of an entire school community is really pushing him up a wall.  True, I got a point as well but yeah, it’s starting to dawn on me that surely Tatay doesn’t have to go through lengths of embarrassing himself in front of a huge crowd.  Besides, that would also embarrass his son and not helping my cause at all.  And I am really sorry for having missed this point. It wasn't fair of me. Aside from being a mother, I am a partner also and ought to be mindful of his feelings and point of view as well.

There was a stage in my past wherein I considered my being too cerebral (translation: over-think things too much!) as somewhat of a curse but yeah, I’d take that anytime than go through life, half-blind, if at all “awake.”  Over the years, I’ve fine-tuned things a bit and learned to disregard wasteful thoughts (unnecessary fears, “projections” and other things that are really beyond my control) and just stick with what really matters.  So yeah, right now I appreciate the fact that I think things over, and that I afford myself some “breathing/brain space” to think things through.  I would like to believe and take comfort that by doing so, I ensure that I arrive at decisions that are most loving and just for all concerned.  But of course, all of these come hand-in-hand with prayer, meditation and being still...  Thank you, God. 

So Much

My being OC about completing a task I've started made me hesitate about leaving the store's books 'unbalanced' to attend to Forest's sleeping ritual.  Good thing wisdom prevailed and I was able to attend to her needs and also ended up introducing her to that 'Cat in the Hat.'  I tried to keep the reading animated and more interactive, knowing her tendency to turn her back on me and sleep while we're still in the middle of a story. 

For the first time, she was able to see the entire story through.  Soon after she moved to her usual sleeping position --  flat on her tummy with her face turned away from me.  But very distinctly I heard her whisper sleepily, "So much, Nay... Love you so much."

I'd take on extended hours of balancing the books anytime if only to hear her say that again... Thank you, God for making it possible (despite my many roles) for me to spend quality time with my little one.  Thank you for the sustained strength and the guiding Presence that allows me to choose wisely every time...

The Orbital Blog

Pre-post note:  While it hasn't become a "tradition" yet, I do try my best to come up with a birthday blog because it gives me the opportunity to take stock of how I've been leading my life and how far along am I in my journey towards the unfolding of my truth...  The post below was done on the eve of this year's birthday.  In the middle of a very big event, I was grateful to have found the time to sit down, get in touch with my feelings and pen them down...

03 July 2013
11:30 PM
Working on a birthday. I remember a few weeks back how I was mulling the possibility of taking a birthday leave. Was really very busy lately, with quite a hectic travel schedule also thrown in the mix. I figured, I earned 3-day leave credits from having my field visits fall on a holiday and 2 weekend days. I might as well claim at least a day.

Yet, here I am, on the eve of my birthday, just wrapped up a press release article for tomorrow and making a list of the things that needed to be addressed by tomorrow as well. But, I'm not complaining one bit. If anything, thinking about the whole thing got me started on the process of counting my blessings.

For Peace. The activity in question is a "Peace" Summit. I feel privileged to have been given a chance to be a part of it. That I am making a contribution, albeit minute, underlines to me how I wouldn't want to live my life in any other way. Again, I'm filled with a sense of gratitude, thinking about my life and my work that gives me the opportunity to pursue my own passions, beliefs and things that I feel lend more meaning to who I am.

Indeed, I have a lot to be grateful for. This afternoon, while I was busy attending to my task it suddenly dawned on me that some of my closest friends and the recent acquaintances who have come to mean so much are also pursuing the same passion, pushing for the same advocacy, giving so much of themselves to the same causes I also believe in. Sitting there, I suddenly realized how at that very instant I am surrounded with persons who had done and are still doing so much for peace in Mindanao.

It felt good to hear the "veterans" talk.  It is inspiring to realize that they have been in this "struggle" the longest and must have faced countless defeat and disappointments and yet they do not sound jaded at all. If anything the message I hear from them is: "Let us go on!  Let us continue working for peace. Something needs to be done. Let us be proactive and leave nothing to chance.  Let us make things happen!"  Ah, such indefatigable spirit.

And so I count another blessing.  Truly Mindanao is a land of promise.  Personally, more than a promise, Mindanao is a land of dreams.  It is where dreams are made... dreams and longing for peace and better quality of life for every Mindanaoans -- women, men and children...

That I was born and raised amidst the richness of its culture, the bountifulness of its natural wealth and the beauty of its people (such steadfast, earnest people with so much love and passion for nature, for community, for truth...), is such a blessing indeed.  As any Mindanaoan, the land helped shape who I am, what my beliefs and values are, and the things I want to pursue.

God... Abba... Father... truly You have given me so much.  Looking back on how my life was and how it is shaping to be, I feel Your loving presence in every step of the way.  Even on my trying moments I never felt forsaken. I feel Your gentle nudging and constant guidance.  For that, I could not thank You enough.

Thank You for the quality of friendships and relationships You've gifted me with.  Such genuine, loving souls, You've surrounded me.  I could not count with my hands all the people who have loved, inspired and taught me to be the person that I am now.  They manifest to me Your loving, nurturing presence.

It is such a wonderful, wonderful journey, Lord.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Posts that never got finished: On Leaving 2011 Behind (My thoughts on my work)

I stumbled across several entries saved as "drafts" that I never really had a chance to complete for one reason or another.  Below is one of them.  I think I attempted to write my "new-yearly" blogs but got distracted or too busy to ever complete it.  I felt the need to post it so I would be reminded of how I feel about my work... of working... 

It still surprises me, reading this now, how much value I put into what I do and into being able to make a contribution. Reading this now, I am once again reminded about the things that I value and how differently I "operate."  I put so much premium in finding meaning in everything and I'm sure it could be both a boon and a bane.  It is good to be reminded by this.  So... as I again try to find my center... I can be reminded why I make the choices that I do and why I act a certain way and to try to find my truth amidst it all.

Two days from now and it's another year. 2011 would probably be my busiest (judging from the two entry I've only managed to pen down this year). It's as if I just buzzed through this year, having a lot of things to do. Foremost, I'm a Mom to a daughter who just turned one this year and juggling a career on top of that.

Funny at how I hesitate at having to use the word, "career." To me the word connotes something external, that one actively pursues to gain other people's approval or something. It leaves a bad taste to my mouth, somewhat. My work, the one that I do, is to me something very personal. It is something that is very much a part of "me." To me, my work is not something that I do from without but something that I get involved in, to further shape what's within...

There may be times that I complain about being tired but in truth, I love to work. I love being productive and being able to contribute to a bigger cause out there. While my family may be very important to me, being able to work afford me with another great opportunity for self-expression. In other words, my work helps define who I am and a great deal at that because it allows me to utilize my talents and build my skill on a lot of things. But then, I digress once again.

What I'm really trying to point out is that... 

Finding Center

Restless...
Wanting to be somewhere else but not knowing exactly where...
Present and wandering all at once...
Rooted and yet yearning...
Centered but diffused just the same...
Calm and accepting... and yet also reaching out...
Steady and stretched, all in a bundle...

I miss... you.

Non-profit

Rod, who is ever entrepreneurial, is at it again. When I told him to find ways this summer to grow his travel savings, he proudly told me they made and sold ice candy earlier today. 

I congratulated him on his 6-peso earnings only to be aghast at finding out they made use of our organic cocoa drink which sells at 100++ peso per small bottle. Lugi ang negosyo! Hehe But saluting the entrepreneurial spirit just the same

Being a Man, as St. Joseph Exemplifies

This morning, I attended the Misa de Galleo in Ateneo Grade School chapel since the Grade One community is one of the sponsors.  I’m on my third day this year and hoping to make it till the 9^th.

The priest’s take on today’s gospel was insightful. When normally, it would either be Mama Mary or Baby Jesus who would be highlighted, he focused instead on St. Joseph.  He started by sharing how last night, he had an interview with a young couple set to take the sacrament of the Holy Matrimony.  He pointed out how the excitement and anticipation that both feel for the occasion was very apparent.  He noted that this could very well be how St Joseph felt at the prospect of marrying Mary, only to find out that Mary is already pregnant.

The priest painted a “good” person in Joseph in the latter's opting to just “quietly” divorce Mary.  What the priest did not point out, but what I was made to think of, was that in those times, women like Mary would be executed -- stoned to death.  

On Life Saving and Livelihoods

Note: I accidentally deleted this very same entry earlier.  Posted this last week.  In the process, I also deleted the comments given :( My apologies, but thank you for your kind words :)

It’s Sunday afternoon but I am in the office, sitting in a huddle as we discussed the reports coming from the ground.  Rapid assessment teams had been fielded the day after Typhoon Bopha had wreaked havoc on the various towns in Compostela Valley and Davao Oriental – New Bataan, Compostela, Laak, Baganga, Boston and Cateel the most affected. 

We sat there as reports are being relayed to us.  Most of what was said, we’ve already read on the online reports and seen on television.  However, when the discussion moved on to the affected livelihoods, my interest got peaked and I’m pretty sure, for a lot of us in the room as well.

Visiting Laak

HRC and Oxfam distribute hygiene and water kits to residents of Brgy. Kidawa in Laak

    A resident of Brgy. Kidawa in Laak, Compostela Valley, 51-year old Susan Unuangay looks pensively at the land before her – the muddy, now-unproductive rice fields and the barren mountains beyond. She shared, “Karon pa mi kita na ana diay ang porma anang mga bukida. Sa una, ga-green-green ra na siya, puno ug punuan. Mao bugnaw kini among lugar. Karon, musakit imong ulo, sa kasuga sa adlaw.” (It is only now that we know that the mountains are shaped that way. Before, we see nothing but green because of the trees. We also used to enjoy cooler days now, our heads would ache because of the glaring heat of the sun.)

I could hear from the bedroom Rod calling out distinctly from the kitchen: "Nanay, kunin mo si Forest dito!" And Forest answering in her singsong but equally determined voice, "Hindi!!" Again Rod: "Nanay, kunin mo na talaga si Forest. Kunin mo na talaga!!!" And Forest countering, "Hindi! Hindiii!" Haha! What bliss. Turned out Forest is playong with water and doesn't want to be interrupted tongue emoticon 

Tatay, you're missing a lot! Even your panga and sashimi there in GenSan could not top being with these makukulit na kiddos. Ingat sa byahe.

What's in a brand?

I just found out that the brand of coffee that my mother enjoys (and so we have a common supply at home) is from a company that has been repeatedly accused of unjust labor practices.  Of which, the most alarming is their turning a blind eye on illegal and forced child labor rampant in their cocoa farms.  It had been reported that as many as 100,000 child laborers are working in hazardous conditions on these farms.  There were even reported cases wherein children between 9 and 12 years old are tricked or sold into slavery to these farms for just $30 each. (http://www.laborrights.org/creating-a-sweatfree-world/ethical-consumerism/news/)

To Pass on the Torch

I’m currently developing a concept note for a poverty alleviation project.  Inevitably, I had to surf the net for the country’s latest poverty statistics.  It wasn’t just the tables and figures that I came to.  I stumbled upon reports as well, bearing photographs on its covers showing exactly what poverty means in this country. 

The tables and figures are impersonal, merely black and white representation of the cold facts.  By looking at them, they appear to just be a jumble of numbers, albeit incomprehensible to some.  In contrast, the pictures would immediately leap at you.  You see dilapidated nipa huts with wide-eyed children peering out of windows.  You see pictures of bare-*$$3d, barefooted children, with protruding bellies that seemed an ironic representation of the hunger that beset them every day. 

Samu't-saring Produkto at Kwento sa Women's Market

Imagine this picture in your head: women, from different parts of Mindanao – some from some obscure sitio in the mountains of Lanuza, Surigao del Sur; Some from the hinterlands of Agusan del Sur, of Bukidnon, of Misamis Oriental; Some, from a coastal community in Davao Oriental; And some, from a small island facing the Pacific, in Hinatuan, Surigao del Sur.

Ibuan Visit

I looked in consternation at Nanay Gloria who seemed to be “gliding” up ahead. In contrast, I trudged along, feeling my lower limbs getting heavier and stiffer by the minute. I tried to ignore the discomfort I was feeling as I tried my best to catch up. But, how can one catch up with a 54-year-old woman – with seeming wings on her feet - who have walked the same path day in and day out for as long as she can remember? :P