Extended Weekend

Nope, there wasn’t any holiday of sorts but it sure felt like it. The city experienced power interruptions the whole day today thus it was pretty much impossible to do any work. In my case, our sister organization had a whole day conference-meeting thus most of them were out of the office the whole day. So I was given the rest of the day off. Good thing I did some paperwork over the weekend that I was able to finish my end of the “dirty” liquidation work and was able to turn everything over to our Admin Officer. So it certainly felt like having my weekend extended. And what a weekend it was!

Synopsis (The short-cut version)

Friday, Candy and I saw a movie together. It wasn’t such a great movie in my opinion but Candy and I truly enjoyed each other’s company. But it was nothing compared to what we had last Sunday – almost a whole day of ukay frenzy! And it was such a treat, both literally and figuratively. There were lots of good stuff that day at really low, low prices. Enjoying that with Jenny and Candy – and Baby – sure was an added treat. We capped the day by enjoying some good conversation at Dunkin Donuts.

Oh, I correct myself. That was how I capped the day. I had to leave ahead of them when Baby did his “thing” hehehe I did not fancy cleaning him up in the tiny bathroom they had there so I decided to go home right away.

Apparently, Jeni and Candy spent some more time at the Ukay-ukay over at San Pedro and capped their day eating kwek2x! Both told me the experience was truly fun for them. Something they’ve never really done before. I’m glad to know they had so much fun.

I learned about their so-called escapade only this afternoon over pizza at Picobello. Yeah, sure was an extended weekend. Another long weekend well-spent with friends :)

The Longer Version (Complete with all the details, hehehe)

Pizza Monday. By three o’clock this afternoon, I was already enjoying a few slices of Pizza Marinaio and Siciliano along with Jeni, Candy, Bolo and Baby over at Picobello – another one of our fave local Italian resto :) We took advantage of their buy-one-pizza-take-one promo. It was still quite costly though but the promo lent a “you’re-getting-a-good-deal-out-of-your-money” feeling. And you are actually, given that you’re paying for just one of the really good pizza you’re having.

You can actually choose another “flavor” from the first one you’ve ordered so it’s really such a treat. Whatever is the more pricey one, that’s what you have to pay for. Not bad at all. And come to think of it, over at La Toscana, we usually pay twice as much for whatever we order there. So I take it back, it wasn’t really that costly, hehehe.

Marinaio, as expected was really good. It had seafood as toppings – squid, shrimp, and tuna. Siciliano, on the other hand, was good too. I particularly enjoyed the added flavor and texture lent to it by the slices of hardboiled eggs as its topping. It also has slices of artichokes, eggplants and bell peppers. It was really good. In the past we had sampled their ‘Four cheeses” pizza. As usual, the blue cheese was an acquired taste. It was good but I liked what we ordered today better. But enough of the pizza review :) I intended to write about how it turned out to be another good weekend.

Movie Friday. Friday night, Candy and I had a date of sorts. We went to see a movie. For the first time, we were actually able to catch a movie we’ve been really wanting to see. There had been countless of times when we kept on putting off watching a movie we liked till it’s no longer shown at the theaters-- always to our great disappointment.

We’ve also invited Jeni along but since it was a Tagalog movie we’re watching, she wasn’t quite convinced about choosing it over the report she had to finish. Bolo and I actually had a tiff over my going out that night. Nope, he wasn’t at all against it. In fact, he was really all for it and quite encouraging. It was I who was feeling a bit off at the thought that I was watching a movie without him.

Since we got married and even before that, watching a movie had always been something that we do together. So I was kind of wanting him to come along too. But when he found out it was Candy’s treat, he balked at the thought and said he’d stay home and watch over Baby instead. I made a great deal of out his “rejection” that we ended up fighting over it.

Hmm.. I’m about to digress again here. To me, it’s worth reflecting over why I always feel this need to make Bolo a part of “almost” everything that I do. But that’s an entirely different topic altogether. I’ll reflect and write about it later.

To cut it short, I tremendously enjoyed my time with Candy. I could not relate to the movie which was about infidelity – having an affair outside of marriage. But that did not stop me from sharing insights with Candy as we watched the movie along. It amused me to note that Candy took that of the wife’s perspective. She seems to always have an opinion to say on certain scenes that have got something to do with the wife’s reaction over her husband’s having a mistress. It sure was funny seeing her that way. I can’t help but think if we’d view the movie differently if we were “mistresses” ourselves hehehe I’m pretty sure we would have felt pity for Maricel’s character have we been mistresses instead of the wives that we are.

At one point Candy told me that “mistresses” should see the movie for them to realize that there are not enough excuses that would justify their having to break marriages. She said that while the wives have certain “imperfections” they are not enough reasons for husbands to take on a mistress, or words to that effect. I’m thinking, mistresses watching the movie would think differently. They’d probably see that what the mistress and the husband share was deep and “beautiful” and thus they should have pursued it till the end.

What I “saw” from the movie, however, was not about that. I saw that marriage is really a union of two different individuals. It’s about two persons with perhaps different background and different set of values deciding to start a life together as a couple.

Come to think of it, if one look at marriage that way, marriage is really like making something impossible work. Seeing it in that light, marriage indeed is such a daunting task. So, it would definitely be more difficult if you get married with someone you hardly knew in the first place. That was the case in the movie. I think it is the same thing as getting into something without knowing what it is that you really want.

But anyway, more than the movie, I was glad that Candy and I had that time for ourselves. We truly enjoyed each other’s company. Well, I speak for myself, hehehe.

Uneventful Saturday. Saturday, I just spent it at home. Around lunch time, Candy called and we sort of toyed with the idea of going out and meeting somewhere. I was momentarily short of funds, however, so I was not that keen about going out and Candy was sleepy too so that decided it. Sunday, however, was a different thing.

Not-At-All-Desperate-Housewives’ remedy for bruised pride and ego: Ukay Sunday! Very early, I was already nursing a hurt pride. Bolo was off diving but as early as Friday we have already agreed to go hear the anticipated Mass over at the Ateneo. But since he saw to the laundry the whole of Saturday and was tired, he begged off from our plan. Of course I did not take to it lightly. He appeased me with a promise we’d hear the first Mass the next day.

We both woke up real late that by the time we arrived in Church, we were too early for the second Mass. So we just offered some candles and decided to go home again. To appease me, Bolo said he’d really try his best to come home early in the afternoon.

It wasn’t until I reached home that the whole thing dawned on me. I pretty felt like a kid fooled, asked to dress up and promised an ice cream treat only to be given a popsicle in the end. I was so irked I called Bolo to tell him just that. That I felt I’ve been had. In response he said that he’d really try his best to come home early.

It turned out Candy was also somewhat irked with Archie, hehehe. We’ve decided that we had to remedy our somewhat feeling low. We agreed to go on a ukay frenzy that morning. I’ve been urging her to go to Bankerohan for some cheap but really good finds but we never came around to doing it. Finally, there was the opportunity. I called up Jeni who came and joined us later on.

I had to tag Baby along since Mama decided to go home to Empress that morning. So I was not really able to do any decent ‘hunting.” But it sure was great. When we came across a pile of Old Navy, Gap, Anne Klein, Mossimo, Banana Republic, etc. of really cute dresses, Candy and I almost fainted in delight, hehehe

The fainting was not due to the brand really or the fact that they looked brand new, some even with tags still. It’s more because of the fact that they are on sale for thirty pesos each. Imagine that! We were really like having a feast of sorts.

By the time Jeni arrived, Baby was already feeling up and perky. He was always toying with my hair, making a mess out of it. I was hardly dressed for anything that morning. I was in a hurry to meet the always prompt Candy that I had no time to think over what to wear. I grabbed a pair of old hiking shorts, don on a favorite kayaking shirt and grabbed the very first flip-flops I saw.

So I guess it was really no wonder when at one time, I was mistaken to be Candy’s yaya, haha! Really funny. I was carrying Baby at that time and helping him feed from his bottle. Candy on the other hand was busy leafing through the little girlie sundresses hung on a rack. Then this lady who was also sifting through the piles of clothes gestured to Baby and asked if he’s a “baby girl.” I said no. Then she gestured back at Candy and asked why she is looking at little girlie dresses. I almost laughed out loud when I realized what she was driving at. I politely told her Candy’s looking for dresses for her little girls, clearly implying that the baby I’m holding is my own.

After the lady left I told Candy how I suddenly became insecure about how I looked. She laughed off the incident and told me I was probably just mistaken. I told her I was most definitely not. But it was no big deal to me really. In fact, it was something that I regard as one of the highlights of the day.

Another highlight was Candy’s “Gap-pants-incident.” I’d rather not divulge what happened though as I could end up losing a very good friend haha! Sure was funny though and quite clever of Candy, I’d say.

All in all it was a great Sunday. Even baby’s wrong-timing-pooping was something I appreciated. Because it made me come home early. By the time Bolo texted me that he was already on his way home, I was already well-rested.

We ended up hearing the last Mass that day. Nonetheless it made me happy knowing Bolo was keen about keeping his word to me. One of the highlights that night was watching Baby’s beaming face as he dropped his one peso coin in the collection box :)

Hotdog

Baby ate hotdog today. When he saw Janine eating one, he pointed out to it and said in a very cute voice, "hod-dog." Bolo and I looked at each other. I knew we both felt hesitant to let him have it. But we can't have him feeling deprived too. After all it is difficult to lecture a one-year old baby on the value of vegetarianism.

Mama Fely saw it as another opportunity to tell us Baby needs meat too while he is still at this stage and growing up. Bolo and I knew better but of course we respect what she was telling us too. We knew where she is coming from and what she is driving at. And so we kept quiet. We knew we are all looking at what would be best for Baby. There is no argument in that.

And so, Bolo and I decided we are going out later to buy Baby some vegetarian soya hotdogs and sausages. It's been the very first time he even asked for meat or even showed indication of liking it. There were some "well-meaning" friends and relatives who had playfully offered Baby meat. But Baby would always turn away. What happened this morning was a first. I guess it had something to do with the color and how his "ate" is eating it too.

Oh well, it is always Baby's choice. When he grows up it would always be his choice. Bolo and I could only tell him about the values and principles that made us opt to go vegetarian. In the end it is always his choice. For now though, we would help create the "environment" for him. He could always choose differently later...

I am Grateful

Lord, thank you for giving me the opportunity to work on things I truly do not desire to do. It is teaching me a great deal about patience and about commitment too. It makes me get to know myself even more, what my preferences are and why I have certain attitude on certain things. It pushes me to reflect upon why there are certain tasks that I truly dislike to tackle. On top of it all, I am learning a whole new skill. Something that might come in handy somewhere along this path I call my life.

But most of all, I thank You most for seeking me even in my most “unloving” self. Thank you for reminding me that there are certain things I needed to learn and thus I had to face situations that may not even be to my liking. Thank you for trying to teach me about seeing good in every situation I may find myself in. Thank you…

Hands

Hands

» Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these

I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

The Broom Incident (Awakening to the Challenge of Being a Parent and Running a Household)

“Where there are challenges, that’s where there is life…” the priest said during the homily. Bolo turned to me and with a smirk on his face told me, “See?!” He did not, but still I felt as if he stuck his tongue at me.

Yesterday was Mama’s 59th birthday and we went to hear the 7 AM mass at the Shrine. It meant getting up to get ready real early. But it was all worth it. There’s something about being able to start one’s Sunday with an early Mass. Somehow, one is able to relax and enjoy the rest of the day more. Maybe because it meant we don’t have to think about rushing to the church anymore.

Anyway, the smirk on Bolo’s face was in response to the long “lecture session” I had with him the day before that. Sigh. We were discussing some marital woes, our responsibilities and what our attitude should be about them. By lecture, it meant, it was I who was doing all the talking most of the time har-har-har-har :) Probably, Bolo was seeing it as me, bemoaning the difficulty of it all thus the "see-stuck-his-tongue-at-me" gesture of his.

I guess the homily sort of served as a reminder for us both. It’s really not easy being married and becoming parents. It’s such a far cry from one’s being at the receiving end when we were yet young and under our parents’ care. Being parent meant, one is now responsible for the providing part. And Bolo and I - and Candy too, Jeni, Rochelle and the rest of my friends – are finding out everyday how exactly difficult that is.

I remember this one incident that really drove home that very point to me. Mama came to visit one day. She was still living at the Empress home then and there was just Bolo and I living at home. Anyway, she pointed out to me that I needed to buy a new broom as what we’re using could now hardly sweep anything.

Really, that sort of struck me. I was like shocked at having found out that now, even that has become my responsibility. I mean, I never thought about broom replacements at any time in my life before. It simply was never a concern of mine. Until that day when Mama pointed it out to me.

The following days after that I became aware that I am also responsible for all the minute details involved in running a household. I’ve been so dependent that I’ve always taken all these things for granted. Mama was always there to be on top of everything. Should I forget anything, she was always there to remind me. After that broom incident, it dawned on me that I am now the “Mom” in the little “household” that Bolo and I are now sharing and building everyday. Funny how it took a broom to let everything finally sink in all at once.

The minute I become a parent, I immediately made some adjustments to fit the role. I did everything I thought a mother should do… but I guess it never really dawned on me (completely) that it includes running the household too and being on top of it.

I guess the reason for this was that I got a bit of a pampering when I have just gotten birth – from Bolo, from my Mom, my aunts and even my cousins. Somehow, there was always someone to assist me in everything that I had to do… So now that Baby is grown and the support has somewhat been slowly withdrawn… I’m slowly finding myself at the very helm of “household management” – with a broom for a scepter Hahaha What a thought!

On Sundays (UK and Pizza Sunday)

Candy came to visit to the urging of Jeni who left before Candy arrived. Figure that out :p hehehe Sunday morning, Jeni and I met after the ten A.M. mass. I told her I would be going to Bakerohan to do some marketing and asked if she would want to tag along. I've been telling her about how cheap the ukay2x is over there and we've been planning to go for sometime now. And so off we did.

I did not have a decent breakfast so I was really hungry after the mass. We've agreed to walk all the way to Bankerohan from San Pedro. Owing to my hunger, we stopped at Dukin Donuts on the way. We had a donut each and an iced tea for me while she had a cup of hot choco. Before we knew it, we had an hour of "intense" conversation hehehe We were discussing some serious stuff about choices, writing, loving ourselves and growing old -- usual stuff where she and I are concerned :)

It was almost twelve when we decided to resume our walk. Just before the market, we passed by some "boutique-sort" of stall that sell a somewhat "more presentable" version of the Bankerohan ukays. Their stuff are laundered and were neatly hung. I knew it's going to be a lot more expensive there but we could not resist a few good finds. I was able to buy a "skort" for Janine -- a "Dora the Explorer" line -- at P 60 pesos. Expensive alright but it was really cute. I bought myself a brown "Xhiliration" skort too that is too short for comfort. I know from experience that Bolo would not approve but it was really cute so I decided to buy it anyway. For Baby, I was able to buy a really cute, red hawaiian-print polo at P 30.00 hehehe The material of the polo was really nice and it is not your usual loud, hawaiin prints. In fact, it looked real classy so I decided to buy it even if at first the lady there was selling it to me for P 45, which I think is too much for a tiny piece of shirt hehehe Luckily, I was able to haggle it for PhP 30 after I paid for the two skorts.

When we got to the market and found some stuff there -- Anne Klein, Prada, Mossimo, etc. -- at PhP 10 a-piece, I knew we certainly paid too much for our earlier finds hehehe Jeni was so pleased to have found a "Mary Kate and Ashley" really-cute-skirt for only ten pesos hehehe I was able to buy her 3 shirts also at five pesos each as my gift to her for her upcoming birthday.

We were enjoying ourselves so much we were pretty loathe to go when we both felt our stomachs rumbled in protest. It was already almost 2 PM and we haven't had lunch yet. So we decided to go home instead to have our lunch there. That's when Jeni asked me to text Candy to come over. However, when she called home she found out they are having some family-get-together so she went home earlier than intended.


By the time Candy got to the house, Jeni have already left. And so we kept ourselves busy by preparing some mini-pizza for our merienda. It turned out well and tasted quite good. Well, in my opinion anyway hehehe After some time Bolo arrived and served us fresh durian from Jeni. He went over there for some..err.. business transaction... and arrived with a tupperware full of meaty, creamy, really-sweet-and-tasty durian. As Candy would describe it, it was the perfect durian hehehe And it was.

Candy and I discussed some marital woes over our pizza and durian :) And I think it is a sensitive subject alright. I mean, of course each spouse ought to have our own personal time apart from the partnership we have with our husband or wife. But how long should that time be? Hehehe and does it have to fall on a Sunday when it would be best to spend it with the kids? I understand where Candy is coming from as I too have such concerns.

But Bolo and I already have an understanding where our Sundays are concerned. It had to be spent with the family with the stress on going to church together. There are times when he had activities at "work" that falls on a Sunday. Despite that, we had already agreed that we never miss Mass because of it. So we make compromises -- agree to wake up real early to attend the earlier service or that he had to leave early from his activity so we could attend the late afternoon service. It had to be that way. There had to be agreements and compromises. Otherwise, he'd have an incensed wife waiting for him at home who will make sure he'd have hell for a week hahahaha!

Well, not really. Looking back, it took a while really before I was able to impress upon Bolo how important Sundays are for me. I pointed out to him that it is important for me to have my Sundays right as it sets the tone for the week that will follow. I told him, if I do not hear Mass on Sunday and not be able to spend some quality time with him and Baby, I would feel as if my weekend was a total loss. And the feeling would haunt me for the rest of the week.

Actually, what tip it off for me really was when I pointed out to him how little my wants really are. I told him all I ask of him is that we hear Mass and spend our Sundays together. I told him that is enough to make me happy and nothing else. I also shared with him that nothing saddens me more than attending Mass alone and seeing families there. I guess he got my point, since after that he really makes the effort to go hear Mass with me. He also informs me beforehand if he had activities that fall on a Sunday and discuss with me what time we will be hearing Mass to accommodate his plans.

It's not always easy agreeing on things or to make compromises. Sometimes it's so easy to be really selfish and to cling on to what you want than to hear what the other wants. And I think there are really no formulas to a perfect marriage. We keep hearing from others that communication is the key. Maybe that's it. But I guess other than that, there's got to be empathy too and understanding -- knowing full well where the other is coming from and understanding why s/he is making such demands.

I guess it's really just a matter of laying down your cards, making clear what your expectations are and trying to reach at some kind of a compromise. I guess that is a tall order in itself. I think it works for Bolo and I because there is the genuine desire from both of us to make each other happy.

When I harped to him about hearing Mass and how Sundays ought to be spent with the family, I certainly did not win him over. He could only see me "nagging" him about it and not what I'm really trying to tell him. When I factored in the "making-me-happy" issue that's when he finally listened. And of course,there was sincerity for my part too. I did not dramatize the whole "happiness" issue. That would have turned him off completely.

Well, I guess the key really is this -- that each of you have the genuine desire to make each other happy. If you care enough for the person, of course you'd want him/her to be happy too. And of course you do not forget about your own happiness too. After all, if you just concentrate on the other's happiness and you forego your own because of it, pretty soon you'll be running on empty. Then you'd begin to begrudge the other person for that. Both of you will only end up losing in the end...

But then who would want to talk about "losing?" It makes marriage sound like some kind of a competition between husband and wife. And it's not. It should not be that way at all. How sad naman pag ganun :(

Haaay, marriage indeed is something you work at everyday... Bolo and I still have a long way to go where that is concerned. I just pray that we'll continue to be how we are to each other... So that no matter how big we're up against -- years of conditioning (from our childhood) and ghosts from the past -- we'd still be patient in dealing with each other, in helping each other become the best that we can be as a person. So God help us both!

Conversation

I almost jumped when I heard the doorbell rang. I knew immediately that it had to be Bolo since I had talked to him on the phone earlier and he told me he’s going straight to me instead of home. He just arrived in town after spending several days in Gen. San.

I jumped because I was still wrapping up an email and had yet to shut down the computer properly – which takes considerable time given my unit at the office. And of course I knew he hates having to wait for a long time especially if he’s bringing a lot of stuff with him.

True enough when I met him at the front door he had his day pack, a big box and a big plastic bag. He told me the box contained tuna, much to my delight. He warned me though that he was not able to bring much since there wasn’t much fish when they went to the fish port that morning. He said it was ironic considering the city was celebrating its tuna festival.

What surprised me though was when he immediately gestured for a kiss the minute I opened the door. He’s not much of a PDA-type of a person although he could be pretty affectionate too in public if he ever he feels like it. So I sort of kid him about it, saying he must have missed me that much; to which he replied matter-of-factly – “Of course!” Hehehe That was enough to make me feel “light-hearted” for several moments after that, feeling pretty much like a teen-ager hehehe

Moments such as these are what make me appreciate our being apart for some time. Because, they give us the opportunity to miss each other :) Although of course, I always have misgivings every time one of us had to go somewhere for some time. There’s the worry factor. You know, like you can’t help but be worried about his safety or well-being… And then there’s the trust issue as well hahaha Like what if he’ll get into temptations of some sort and would be weak enough to succumbed to it. Bolo had always been reassuring. And if truth be told he never really gives me the reason to ever doubt him. Still, it’s not really him that I don’t trust but the circumstances or the environment he’s in every time he’s apart from me. I had to make it clear though that while I’m worried about it, I don’t obsess much about it either. After all, he and I had already talked about it a lot of times and we’ve had our understanding on the matter already. Besides, I see obsessing about it as really just a waste of energy.

We went to the café next door to wait for Candy whom I already promised to treat for coffee. I’ve been wanting to show here the café next door for the longest time. It’s just a small café but very cozy, a place that anyone could readily appreciate. Personally, it panders to my dream of owning a similar joint. Good thing about the café too is that part of its earnings goes to a “peace fund.” The owners of the establishment assist communities affected by the arm conflict in some parts of Mindanao. So it sort of makes one feel good about throwing a good amount of money on just a cup of coffee.

It took awhile before Candy came. Bolo and I were already catching up on what he had been doing while he was in Gen. San when she arrived. He was so excited in sharing with me the fun they had while participating in the race. He was enthusiastic about the food, which I could pretty much imagine why. That is also what I like about Gen. San – the food! hehehe The freshest seafood, the different kinds of fish – pompano, tuna, sashimi, and diana that literally melts in one’s mouth…sigh! :)

The conversation became even more enjoyable with Candy around. At one instance, I turned to her and pointed out how Bolo and I could get so engrossed talking to each other. I guess that is one thing I appreciate about our relationship. We enjoy each other’s company. I mean, Bolo and I are really friends aside from being husband and wife to each other. That is why it’s so easy for us to talk to each other about anything. Our mornings are usually like that. We’d wake up early but it takes a while before we rise from the bed. We would usually spend the whole time just talking and catching up on things… Hope we'll remain like this for a long, long time :)

When It's All Been Said and Done

I’m always wary about talking about my spirituality. In fact, it makes me uneasy about being called, “religious.” Because, I feel there’s just a lot of expectations connoted with the term. And no one knows better than I do, that I’m far from being a saint. Bah, if I think of all my shortcomings, the not-so-good attitudes that I have, the mistakes I’ve committed, it’s enough to make me want to run for cover out of shame. So most definitely, I am far from being “religious.”

If anything though, I am most certain about my love for my God. I know I stumble every now and then. I know time and again I fail to live a most “upright,” “blemish-free” life but the fire I feel for Him who makes all things beautiful is something that I always have in my heart. The intensity may vary at times – sometimes it diminishes when I’m so engrossed with all the other aspects of my life – but it is always there.

After what I’ve been through the past months, I found myself seeking that which I know would give me strength. So I clung to Him, with all intensity that has seemed to waver as I become too preoccupied with being a good wife and a good mother.

I guess becoming a parent (and a wife) overwhelmed me a bit. There are just far too many things that needed to be done. I found myself groping with all the responsibilities that I suddenly had to contend with. Suddenly, I have to stop thinking about myself alone, what I want to do and what I want to do with my time. All of a sudden, there’s this tiny being that needed my time and attention – 24/7. There hardly is time for anything else. And on top of that there’s trying to adjust to living with another person who has different set of values, priorities, preferences. Really, being married is like having to deal with the littlest detail – arguing about having the lights on or off at bedtime – to the bigger stuff such as deciding on whether to get Baby an educational plan or not…

So I guess amidst all of that I had unwittingly (and unwillingly) set aside my time for my spiritual life. Oh, Bolo and I still go to church. Al though I must admit there are times we had to argue about it (which usually breaks my heart). It’s a good thing that now he is showing more inclination towards it and even is the first to urge me to go sometimes. But I guess what I missed the most was my time for my community. I had stopped going to prayer meetings. I missed the opportunity it gives me to really have that connection… to reestablish the relationship…It’s like having a long-distance relationship. You feel the love but somehow the intensity is not that strong for the lack of real good “bonding” that being together physically brings…

Lately though, I’ve been listening to my old CDs. Even at work, the playlist I play in my youtube account is that of my “gospel” collection. It helped. Somehow, it made me stronger… Now, I’m realizing why I missed going to the prayer meetings so much. Listening to the songs, slowly I begin to have the right priorities again… Little by little, I feel as if my life again has some kind of direction. I’m not saying that it had no direction ever since I got married. What I’m trying to say is that the songs reminded me of the things that should come first in my life… of what really matters… I guess it’s really different if you have faith to cling to… Somehow, no matter how difficult things are, they’re a lot easier to bear…
And one also sees thing differently… like now I don’t have to worry much about whether or not I’m being a good Mom. That thought alone is enough to make me crazy. In my wanting everything to be best for my son, the whole thing almost becomes an obsession. It obliterates everything…

But having faith, I know that I could only do so much. Now, I’m relearning how it is to take my life by the reigns again… being in control of it.., but not being overly obsessed about it… Because, I know not everything is in my control… There is a God who is doing his work on me everyday… helping me become the “best” person I could be… and Who have taught me time and again He makes all things beautiful.. only if we let Him or be aware enough to acknowledge that…

Below is one of my favorite songs…It’s a favorite because it reminds me of what really matters in the end… And with that in mind, I should conduct my life accordingly… I chatted with a friend earlier. We’re discussing about the dilemma she’s in. It’s difficult having to tell someone how to live their lives. I don’t. I always believe the choice is ours to make alone. Because in the end it is always between you and yourself and/or your God if you’re a spiritual person…

I did not tell her what she should do with her life. In the first place I don’t think I ever have the authority to do so at all nor the wisdom to direct her to the right decisions to make… I shared with her, instead, my thoughts on how I want to be when I’m old and grey. I told her I’ve seen far too many people who grows old bitter and angry at the world and having far too many regrets… I told her I want to be like those other people who grows old gracefully…

The last thing I’d want to do is to be gray and old and wish I have done things differently. That is why I try to be careful with what I do… in making decisions… in choosing. Sometimes, no matter how difficult it is, I try to choose to handle the souls around me with kindness… even if they’ve been unkind to me… Because I’ve learned time and again that in the end, it’s really kindness that pays… and stays… The angry words, the bitterness, they linger but they’re such heavy companions to lug around with…

But by God, I still have a long way to go where that is concerned… I have my temper too and more often than not I still manage to hurt the other people in my life with my sharp tongue and temper… Ironically, those people that really matter… So, I’m still working on that…

I want to grow old knowing I'm happy with the choices I've made even if other people may tell me differently... After all, when everything's beenn said and done... nothing really matters but how well you lived your life and how well you loved the persons you have come in contact with in your life... So help me, God...



When It's All Been Said and Done
By: Don Moen

Why do we do what we do?
It should be out of motivation of love...
Not of hidden agenda..
Because that's what really matters...

When it's all been said and done
There is just one thing that matters
Did I do my best to live for truth
Did I live my life for you

When it's all been said and done
All my treasures will mean nothing
Only what I've done for loves reward
Will stand the test of time..


Lord your mercy is so great
that you look beyond our weakness..
And find purest gold in miry clay
Turning sinners into saints..

I will always sing your praise
Here on earth and ever after
For you've shown me heaven's my true hope

When it's all been said and done,
You're my life when life is gone...

Another Long Weekend (Of Baby, Pasta and HP 7)

Monday of last week, we had a holiday. I was supposed to attend a seminar of sorts but Mama was like informing me every chance she gets that she’s going to spend the day at our Empress home. I got the hint. So Bolo, Baby and I went with Mama and Janin.

The thought of the long and nice driveway at the entrance of the subdivision made Bolo and I decide to bring our rubber shoes along to do some jogging. We’ve been doing that regularly when we still used to live there and every time we spend a day there. Below are some of the shots we had of Baby and Janin imitating Bolo and I as we are doing our stretching in preparation for the actual jog. They looked really cute and I was greatly amused at Baby and his being quick at imitating whatever we do. I love the smirk on his face as well. He’s really growing up so fast – his personality evolving along with his physical growth. And it’s both alarming and amusing to note a tendency in him to be really naughty and such a tease.

Well, he's definitely such a tease. These days, we usually would have to play “catch-me-if-you-can” every time I have to bring him downstairs. Sometimes he would race with me towards the stairs only to hold back on the last minute and ran back inside. I must admit that sometimes it could pretty be exasperating especially when I’m in a hurry but most of the time it just amuses me to see Baby in this light. It’s giving me a hint as to what he’s turning out to be as a person.























Yesterday, we had another Mondaly-holiday. So how did I spend the weekend? Well, I spent it with Baby, cooking pasta and finishing the seventh and last installation of Harry Potter in one sitting.

Pasta. Bolo and I came across an instant “Pesto Mix” while buying some stuff at the grocery. I make our own Pesto sauce and I’ve been wanting to make one for some time. Only there really is not enough time for me to do that. So being presented with an easier alternative, I decided to give it a shot. I had my doubts though, thinking it might not be as good as the real thing. The more I got disappointed when I reached home and noted it contained “MSG.” Oh well.

We bought half-a-kilo of pasta since I’ve also been intending to do a spicy tuna version. I’ve been craving it for some time. So I divided the pasta into half – made one with the tuna and another with the pesto mix. Both turned out well, by the way. And yet, I’d still say my pesto tastes a lot better than the instant one hehehehe. For one, the mix did not have any pine nuts in it. It’s still almost the real thing though since olive oil is also added in the preparation of the sauce.

Harry Potter 7. Finally, I was able to read it. A week ago, Ate’s box arrived and imagine my delight to have found a copy of the “Half-Blood Prince.” I had the electronic copy of the same and was able to read it before the book version literally flooded the market. Still, it was pretty nice being able to leaf through the hardbound version with the “smell” of the crisp, clean pages leaping at me. Yeah, I’m that agog about books so pardon my being a little melodramatic where that is concerned.

Well, I just think there’s really a big difference about reading while you held the book, get to leaf through its pages and be able to “smell” the newness (or oldness for that matter) of the paper. To me, it’s enjoying the experience in its entirety, so unlike having to peer through a monitor in front of you. (I did that though with HP 6 hehehe I couldn’t wait for the real book to be available. ) It’s like comparing learning about a recipe by actually cooking it than by just surfing through the net. Another comparison comes to mind at the moment but the thought of my 14-year old niece reading my blog somewhat restrains me hehehe. And besides, I had yet to ask Jeni if the “comparison” is appropriate. Err… she would have to “enlighten” me about it yet as I have no first-hand knowledge of the same har-har-har… hint, hint ;) Love you, Jen.

Anyway, when Jeni and Candy “tried” to talk about HP 7 in front of me, I was like throwing my hands to my ears. I’ve been tempted to throw away Php 1,200 for a copy but both told me to just borrow. I’m thinking, Tunga will probably buy a copy anyway so it’s more practical that way.

And finally, last weekend, I was able to borrow Jeni’s copy. So there. It was a good read. It’s a good book but growing up being a hardcore “Lord of the Rings” fan somewhat dampens its appeal to me. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m still very much crazy about HP. But to me, the “Rings” are still a lot more…grand and dramatic… Although, I’m equally fond of the characters of both books.

So there, that was how I spent my weekend. I was so engrossed with the book that by night time I wanted to do nothing but sleep. I felt really bad leaving Bolo to his packing. I apologized and told him how bad I felt about not being able to help him pack. He laughed off my concern though and told me he understands and that he’s okay about doing it himself. Twice though he had to wake me up just to ask where his hydropack was so I stood up and located it in an instant. He was like turning the whole house upside down already looking for it when it was just where I first told him to look. Really, what will husbands do without their “highly” organized wives? Right, Kends? hehehe

Bolo’s in Gen. San now. He’s with Pastour for an adventure race they will be participating in as guests. It’s in lined with the city’s “Tuna Festival.” We did not get to talk much last night since I slept early and he was busy packing. So this morning we were like reluctant to let each other go. I had to point out to him certain details about how he packed his stuff that twice he turned to me in gratitude. He hugged me quite a number of times before he reluctantly moved towards the door. It’s funny really how we could get emotional about being apart and at the same time get into each other’s hair when we’re together hehehe I think that’s how things really are in marriage…

Good luck B, hope you’ll enjoy your trip. Do take good care of yourself. Pray for your safety always. Will be praying too. Don’t worry about Baby, ‘will be taking care of him real good and I’m keeping a close eye on the new yaya… ‘love you.

Long Weekend

"Tita, I think, when Baby grows up, he's going to be the happiest man in the world!" China, Candy's eldest and really cute daughter quips at me. I smiled at her and asked, "Why?" She quickly responded -- "Because he is always smiling!"

That brief exchange certainly placed a smile on my face for the rest of the evening and everytime I'd remember the conversation. The kids had just spent the whole late afternoon and night together then. And looking back, it seemed that they were having so much fun together, Baby included.

It was a long weekend -- we had a Friday holiday because of the Kadayawan celebration and a Monday off, in remembrance of Ninoy Aquino's death. So by Thursday night, I was urging Candy to go watch a movie with me. We've been wanting to watch HP but never gotten around to doing it. But on the last minute Jeni texted and urged us to have pizza and pasta instead.

La Toscana is always a welcome treat. So we had a change of plans and enjoyed two kinds of pasta -- my favorite, Arrabiata and Pomodoro. We also sampled 2 kinds of pizza, one being Marinara with crab meat and shrimps on it which was really good :) At first there was just Candy, Jeni, Towi and I. Later on Bolo joined us just as the second pizza was served. Archie also arrived but just when we were about to go already.

We started a conversation over pizza -- initiated by Jeni about certain "arrangements" in her life. Owing to the fact that there is still so much to talk about and with Archie not able to enjoy the pizza at all, we decided to move the "rendezvouz" elsewhere.

And so we did. We moved to MTS and things started to become really interesting owing to a confusion brought about by a certain "5 + 1" promo they are having there. Right Kends? Wink, wink haha! Interesting indeed. The whole time, I was like kicking Bolo under the table and pinching him at his side hehehe But everything evened out when Jeni arrived after taking Towi home. The conversation miraculously turned sober and funny once again. Well, it also helped that Bolo's tongue seemed to have loosen up a bit after two bottles of...err...redhorse. So he was like making remarks and me trying my best to cover up what he just said hehehe It was fun though :) But I think what really eased the tension then was the chocolate oatmeal fudge bar that miraculously appeared at our table hehehe

Friday was the greatest though. By 5 PM, Candy, Jeni and I met for an "Ukay" rendezvouz. We've talked about it before and so owing to the free time, we finally managed to do it. When Candy informed me she was tagging along her two daughters, I was like wondering if she could manage that fine. It turned out I was the one who had difficulty trying to keep my "kiti-kiti" one-year old from being all over the place. But I certainly enjoyed seeing him having so much fun. Below are some of the pix we had with the kids playing around while we Moms are busy going through some "ukay goodies."































After a few finds, we opted to go to Victoria Plaza to continue our Ukay hunt and to meet up with Bolo who was manning a wall and a scooter activity area at the carpark. It was an Edge activity in coordination with Coca-Cola for the Kadayawan festivities. Anyway, we rode the jeep in going there. The whole ride saw China and Asia taking turns singing some of their songs from school. Baby was singing along too and showed off some of the "action" songs he knew. It felt pretty much like we were on a field trip something hehehe I was afraid that some of the passengers found us a bit noisy for comfort but we could see them smiling, obviously finding the kids' whole tirade cute. Well, who wouldn't? They're all cute kids haha! Spoken like a real Mom huh? :)

At one point Candy and I discussed how different our lives have become now. If before there used to be just us going around, now we have our little ones in tow which is cute really. It's fun watching our kids grow up and witnessing their own personalities evolving and taking shape right before our very eyes. I feel blessed that we have some opportunities to share experiences such as this with each other. It's good to note that the friendship we have shared in college extended to this very day and to our little ones as well. I hope these kids will grow up to be friends as well :)

Baby's First Fun Run

Since 2003, I've consistently participated in the Jollibee Family Fun Runs that is usually held every summer. I have t-shirts at home to prove it. I missed the 2006 run though since at that time I had just given birth to Baby and breastfeeding so I hardly could just flit off as I pleased.

I think that's ok though. I did not feel bad at all having missed it last year. At that time -- even now -- Baby always comes first :) But this year's run however, more than made up for it. Because, this year, it had truly become a "family" run for me. Baby ran along with me.

Err... I correct myself, I ran the full 3K length with Baby in my arms. Imagine that. By the time I covered the 1.5 K, my legs were groaning in protest haha! I fear an attack of the cramps. I'm afraid I might hurt myself and Baby as well. But, nothing of the sort happened. It was pretty tiring for my part though but I sure had fun.

Carrying Baby. Yeah, when we registered for the run, I was thinking I would allow Baby to run for a while only since I wouldn't want him really tired and stressed from the race. After all, we are only trying to expose Baby to the activity and not make a champion baby runner out of him. That, wouldn't be fun. It would be exploitation. Anyway, in the actual race however, Baby refuse to even let go of me. I think the crowd overwhelmed him. So I hugged him real close to me and pointed out to him some of the toddlers who were very happily running along. Some displayed signs of being tired though :)

Bolo and I had been really looking forward to this event. Last March, thinking the run would also be staged then, we even called up Jollibee when no announcements were being made. We were that eager to participate. We were actually looking forward to making it a big family event.

Bolo was so enthusiastic he would continuously urge me to ask when the run is going to be. He told me he had to know so he could still find the time to practice and to work out since it wouldn't be easy carrying a 10-kilo baby while running. Always the competitive, he said he had to be in real good shape for him and Baby to win hehehe Well, he did win before, that one time he ran with me. He placed third in the 5k male category, which is really something. I'm pretty sure he wanted to win again with Baby this time.

Ironically, he was not anywhere around us during the actual event. He had a prior commitment. He had to be at the climbathon activity EDGE was staging at Samal. He was urging me not to join. He said he worries about not being there lest something untoward might happen. But I was adamant about joining. We've been looking forward to it for so long. While it's very disappointing that it won't be as we first pictured it to be -- him racing with Baby in his arms and most likely winning -- I was serious about exposing Baby this early on. Especially now that he so particularly love to run about.

To prove further how competetive Bolo is, the night before the run, he texted me wishing Baby and I luck and his hopes that we would win :p And we did make a good time -- 34:45 -- which is not bad considering I had to carry baby most of the way. We received a card at the end of the race, our numbers and time were noted. However, Baby and I did not wait for the awarding anymore. We waited for a while but the whole affair took so long... And Baby...errr... did his "every-morning-thing" hehehe Luckily, the CR of the mall was already open so I managed to clean him up enough to make him eager to run about again, always urging me to go up the stage where the Jollibee mascot was :)

Anyway, it was truly a fun race. I love having Baby along despite making it extra hard for me. I'm looking forward to more of the same... Hopefully Bolo could get to join us next year. God willing... :)

Vegetarian Demo Cooking

The first time BK had a vegetarian demo cooking -- sometime last April -- Bolo and I both attended it. It turned out so well. Personally, I was very much appreciative of the fact that Bolo and I were in it together.

I've been attending BK activities, on and off, for the past five years. I took lessons four years ago too but never really came to finishing the advance courses. Work travels and eventually getting married and having Baby took its toll on me and my having time for myself.

I've been urging Bolo to join me in some of the activities but he was always dubious about attending. His excuse had always been that he is shy about talking in front of a lot of people. When I raised my brows at him, he pointed out there is a difference between being funny and jolly in an equally loud crowd; and sharing one's thoughts amidst a group of "serious" people.

But I was truly glad he joined me in the demo cooking then. Well, I must admit, he only said yes when I told him there wouldn't be any sharing taking place and that we'll only be there to learn about cooking. But really, he and I both love to cook, and learning new vegetarian dishes is always a welcome experience. So it did not took much cajoling for my part.

That time, we learned how to cook pakora, baked sayote, and vegetarian kare-kare. Pakora was simply sumptuous. Bolo however, took a liking to the baked sayote... The kare-kare was also delicious but we were not as excited as we do cook kare-kare at home.

A sharing did took place after we had our feast that followed the demo-cooking. We were asked to pick a "blessing" from a deck of cards and to read it aloud in front of the group. I was like giggling inside when Bolo threw me a horrified look. The funny thing was he was quick at choosing the front row thinking we would only be meditating. So it turned out he would have to read first. And as if the fates were playing a joke on him, he picked a blessing that has a very looooong description hehehe I certainly took pity on him and almost volunteered to read it for him hehe But he managed real fine. When we were out of the center though he was like poking me big time and accused me of lying about there being no "sharing." I told him I didn't know there was going to be any afterwards. Jeni, who also attended the session, was laughing at us big time. But she commended Bolo and assured him he did fine. All in all, it was a pleasant experience, something I will always remember with fondness.

Last Saturday -- August 11 -- there was another demo cooking. Bolo had to be at Samal for a climbathon activity. Candy, whom I had already invited to a previous BK activity, came with me. Jeni had a prior commitment too so she wasn't able to join us. But Candy and I were really excited about the activity and I was really glad I did not have to convince her to come with me. Well, Candy had always been a self-confessed "carnivorous." I think in her past life she used to be a lioness, what with her temper and all... hehehe joke! :)'Love you, Kends :)

It was again a pleasant experience with no less than Ms. Mila Teves teaching us along with Sister Shanti. Dishes prepared in that session were -- (1) Tofu Teriyake, (2) Sweet and Sour Tofu (Vinegarless), (3) Embutido, and (4) Spicy Eggplant.

The spicy eggplant was a winner so is the teriyake but I was excited about learning the S/s Tofu since it was prepared the natural way, without using any vinegar. And I might add it tasted so good too. Well, all four dishes were great, as expected. Recipes are as follows:

Tofu Teriyake

Ingredients:

Salabat
Brown Sugar
Soy Sauce (Coconut brand)
1/2 kilo Tofu
cornstarch

For garnish:
Sesame seeds
Mongo sprouts
parsley

Procedure:
1. Fry tofu and set aside.
2. For the teriyake sauce, pour 1 1/2 cup of water in a pan; Add 3 tbsp salabat, 1/4 cup soy sauce, 1 tsp salt, 3 tbsp brown sugar, and 3 tbsp cornstarch dissolved in water.
3. Cook sauce over low fire until it thickens.
4. Pour sauce over fried tofu.
5. Sprinkled with toasted sesame seeds.
6. Garnish with steamed mongo sprouts and a sprig of parsley.


S/s Tofu

Ingredients:

Ginger, red and green bell pepper, turnips, fresh tomatoes, green papaya, pineapple chunks, carrots, brown sugar, and cashew nuts

Procedure:

1. Slice tofu into strips (fish fillet cut)
2. Pour 1 1/2 cup of water in a pan
3. Add ginger strips, tomatoes, pineapple, 1 tsp salt, 3 tbsp. brown sugar.
4. Add the carrots, turnips, bell peppers and 2 1/2 tsp. cornstarch dissolved in 1/4 cup water.
5. Top with unsalted cashew nuts


Vegetarian Embutido

Ingredients:

Boiled Saba (grated), Magic Meat Flakes, pickle relish, vegetarian sausage, tomato sauce, red bell pepper - boiled and scraped from skin, salt, sugar, black pepper, cheese pimiento

Procedure:

Mix all ingredients. Roll in foil and steam for 30 minutes. Refrigerate overnight for best results.


Spicy Eggplant

Ingredients:

Eggplant, oil, ginger, siling labuyo, mustard seed powder, lemon, sugar, soy sauce, cornstarch, salt.

Procedure:

1. Peel eggplant
2. Slice in strips (quarters)
3. Fry in oil

Sauce:

1. Sautee ginger
2. Add chilies, mustard seed powder, lemon, sugar, soy sauce, cornstarch and salt to taste
3. Pour on top of fried eggplant

Keep Walking!

I so loved the picture above. (More at my roadtrips blog!) It's of the adventure race that Bolo and I very recently participated in. I am amused by the irony and the timing of it all :) But I also find deeper meaning in it. I think it is a reminder for me to keep on walking, to keep on living despite the many hardships that may come my way.

The past four months have been "terrible" for me. In May, there was my miscarriage. By June, I had several work concerns. July... I lost my only brother. By August, Bolo and I very nearly called it quits... I guess for four months I sat in a middle of a very big hurricane in my life.

A week ago, Jeni and I had a conversation over coffee. At one point I was sharing with her an insight I had about my work when she looked amusedly at me. Then she told me she was amazed to see me still standing despite the several blows I had endured the past months.

Her remarks made me stop and think. I realized, I had remained standing because not for once have it occured to me to let everything weigh me down. Not even once have I thought about just sitting in the corner and quitting.

Oh, the pain come in waves. Sometimes they even come unbidded... I would sit working in the office when a thought would come and then I would feel the tears coming...

But I guess giving up was never really an option. Now why is that? Because of the many roles I have -- being a daughter, a wife, a Mom (most specially) and even in the work I'm involved in...

There are just far too many things that needed my attention that I hardly had the time to just let life pass me by. So I keep walking... performing the responsibilities asked of me...

Life Goes On

Even when one is right smack in the middle of so much pain, life goes on. As if to prove this, the weekend following the internment of my brother, Bolo and I participated in a local adventure race we have previously registered to.

Bolo and I at some point were in dilemma as to whether we are going to push through with it or not. We were careful about hurting the elderlies in the family about being "happy" when everyone else was in grief. A part of me however wants to go ahead with it. I felt like by joining, by participating in a physical activity, I am doing my brother a favor... Like I was in a way, doing things he should be doing at his age...

Yesterday, Baby and I joined in a local fun run too. It was Baby's first. We've been waiting for it for the longest time. And so it finally happened...

So indeed life goes on. Even when you lose love ones in death, life goes on. Even if one is beset with so much grief, life goes on...

I surfed the net earlier for Nino's "sickness," his cause of death. I think I was trying to come to terms with what happened. I was and still trying to understand everything... I see it as my way of coping... I'm trying to come to terms with it cerebrally... So that somehow, the "knowing" could ease the pain I'm feeling in my soul... I miss him everyday...

I Will Sing

I Will Sing

Artist: Don Moen
Album: I Will Sing
Lyrics: I Will Sing


Lord You seem so far away. A million miles or more it feels today.
And though I haven't lost my faith, I must confess right now that it's hard for me to pray.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart.

I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.
I will sing. I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true. I will sing.

Lord it's hard for me to see all the thought and plan You have for me.
But I will put my trust in You. Lord will meet Your guide to set me free.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart.

I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.
I will sing. I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true. I will sing. (2 times)

Farewell My Little Brother

As I made my way through the aisles of the department store, I was fighting hard not to let the tears fall. The mall had just opened and we were among the first customers for that day.

We were shopping for Niño. We were buying his barong, his slacks and his undergarments. As we leafed through the barongs on the rack, I felt the tears run down my face. We were very careful in our choosing. We wanted nothing but the best for him. After all, that would be the very last we would shop for him...

I remember the last time we went shopping together, it was with Mama. We were buying him jeans. He was always picky with his stuff, particularly when it comes to clothes. So it took a while before he decided on what to buy. He wanted a more pricey one but I lectured him on the value of money…

I’m not much into shopping although once in a blue moon the mood would hit me and I would splurge. But that comes rarely and most of the time I splurge more on books than clothes…

Buying things for my loved ones though, that’s an entirely different thing. That’s when I truly enjoy shopping. It gives me so much joy getting into the shoes of those I love and hunt for things that I know they would very much like to have. Christmas, birthdays… they’re shopping feasts for me.

And Niño is among those whom I love buying stuff for the most. He is after all my only sibling, our youngest… In a way, he will always be a baby brother to me. It’s so easy to buy stuff for him as he has little wants. Also, I particularly like shopping for him because he does not make a habit of asking for stuff. He was picky with clothes though and in a way is brand conscious but he would never turn down something that is given to him. But I think, I like buying him stuff simply because he would smile at me every time I give him something. His whole face would lit up, making it obvious that he was really pleased to have been remembered.

Recalling all that now brings me so much pain. Because, I would never experience that again with him… How I miss my little brother… I miss him everyday these days. He and I are rarely together the past two years since we moved out of our Empress home. I already had Baby then and with our decision to breastfeed him for as long as possible, going all the way to Panacan during work lunch break and then back is virtually impossible. Thus the move. So Niño and I would only see each other every time we would visit there and for special occasions or on family outings.

Niño only has one passion – basketball. It was his life. He breathed and lived it everyday since he learned how to throw a ball into the ring… So sometimes, I would shop for some good basketball jerseys for him. The best I ever bought him was a Michael Jordan reversible. He also must love it since he wore it all the time, if he was not wearing his uniform jerseys, that is...

This year, as if we knew what is going to happen, Bolo and I always feel this urgency to give him something. During one of our visits at Empress, Bolo gave him his Sandugo slippers when he sensed Niño’s liking to it. When Mama informed us Niño wore it till it has holes, Bolo urged me to buy him a new one. At that time, we were on a budget. Baby’s immunization was due and it had always been quite costly. I hesitated about buying him the slippers. But I am thankful now that I gave in to Bolo’s urging.

Now, the slippers are at home. The pair was what he wore when we fetched him from Empress. Looking at them now, I am filled with a sense of gratitude. I felt thankful that in his last year, I was given a chance to pamper him a bit.

When we went home to Empress to get the necessary documents following his demise, Mama and I wept when we found the basketball shoes I bought him very neatly packed in its shoebox still…

It was a costly pair and it had cost me an arm and a leg. But at that time, Niño was just fresh from his separation with his wife. I knew it must have been such a painful episode for him given his background. Being adopted, I knew there is this longing for him to have a complete family of his own. Being jilted by his wife, I could only imagine how painful it must be for him. And so I was desperate to reach out to him and to show him that our love for him is enough to fill in the vacuum left by his irresponsible wife (Who showed up during the wake and the internment, btw, crying as if it is the end of the world. I’m sure she was feeling guilty and remorseful. But all that is too late now. She had caused my brother so much pain. She could not take all of that back.).

So, should Niño had asked me for the moon then, I knew I must have tried my best to be able to give him just that. I remembered Mama chiding me for spending such an exorbitant sum for just a pair of shoes but I shrugged at her. To me, it wasn’t the shoes I was paying for. I’m paying for the opportunity to be able to tell my brother I love him and that there are still a lot of people left in his life who loves him. And putting it that way, 4 thousand is way too cheap.

Recalling everything is breaking my heart to pieces. Until now, I still feel Papa’s loss. I still cry myself to sleep every time I remember him. The pain somehow is still fresh. So in Niño’s case, I knew I’m still in for a long haul… There will be tears alright… And I’m drawing my strength from God.

A friend chanced upon me at YM and expressed her concern over how I’m feeling. I remember telling her how everything I knew, the lessons I learned and the wisdom I always bring close to my heart flew out of the window when I sat there right smack in the middle of so much pain.

Oh, I’ve read enough books and taken more than enough lessons and have faith enough to know the afterlife is a lot kinder than our worldly life… But with my brother’s loss – who was only 26, still at the prime of his life and who still has a lot of issues to settle with himself and with his relationships with other people – I wallowed in uncertainty and confusion.

Oh, there was never a point wherein I questioned God and His wisdom in what happened. But I certainly found myself questioning if my brother would indeed experience peace in the after life…

I remember crying so hard one night while he was in the hospital. I was praying for his complete and speedy recovery. Seeing him in tubes, and lying seemingly lifeless in his hospital bed was a heart-wrenching experience. So I prayed hard, that he be spared from all of that and finally recover. I was begging for a miracle.

As if in response, the thought that my brother is suffering and will continue to suffer if his condition will be prolonged came to me as if in soft promptings. I cried harder after that. Because, suddenly, I don’t know what to pray for. Of course I don’t want my brother to suffer unnecessarily. But I thought about his issues. He still had too many unsettled issues. And God, he was still too young. What if his soul will not be able to find rest knowing he had still several scores to settle, that his daughter is still too young, and that he still wished to continue living his life?

These questions are what brought on the uncertainty I felt. For once, I questioned everything I knew about death and about the after life. Because, I want to be certain that by dying, my brother would be given a better deal… I want him to be in peace, and to cease suffering. He had such a difficult life. I want him to be given another chance to correct his mistakes and to rewrite the directions of his life. I want another shot at life for him so that it’ll finally be better and be more rewarding than what he had experienced in the past. I want nothing but the best for my brother. If I could have so much love for the other persons in my life, how much more so for a sibling? A family member?

Now, I’m praying that his soul rest in peace… I pray that God be with him now and that he be spared from unnecessary suffering in the after life. I think he suffered enough in this life time.

I love you so much, Nin. I just hope you know how much… Fare well, go in peace and don’t linger much in this worldly life… Don’t worry about your daughter or about us. If you worry because you were not able to tell us how you love us, don’t fret. Of course I knew you loved me. There’s this thing about family. One does not have to hear the words, it only has to be felt. And I felt your love for me and for Mama… so fare well my little brother… Go in peace…

Premonition

The following entry was saved to my blogger account as a draft. The record shows I drafted it on January 26, 2007 at 8:17 AM. That's exactly a month before his birthday and exactly 6 months before his demise...

I never came around to finishing it as work and several concerns took over... I remember being emotional the moment I sat down and decided about writing it. At that time, I thought about his life, our grown up years, my being strict with him... I remember being emotional and thought about how I missed him...

I intented to write about him, about his life, how he came to our family and how much I love him as my one and only sibling... I remember reluctantly giving up the chance to finish this particular blog. Bolo was urging me to change as we were due to go to church then. I remember thinking, I would again have to find the moment when I'd miss my brother to write this particular entry properly as I write only when emotions ride me. It would feel less truthful if I'd write about my brother just for the sake of finishing the entry... I even remember thinking in exasperation when I'll be able to finish it. I remember telling myself, hopefully not as a eulogy...


Ah... I shudder now as I remember all that... It seemed like a premonition to me... Well, I didn't know better... Who would have thought Mama and I would survive my brother? He's only 26 this year... Of course I'm thinking he'd have a few decades more to go...

"My Brother Niño"

Ever since I could remember, my brother and I had more quarrels than good moments. We're simply too opposite -- like day to night -- that it was difficult for us to really hit it off well. Well, we weren't that bad. There were moments when it is undeniable that we do love each other. But compared to the disagreements we had, there were only very few moments where he and I are really that expressive about how we truly feel for each other.

Yes, I guess that's it already. It's not really the lack of love but more so the lack of time and both our being "unexpressive" that is the reason for having more of the disagreements than the "loving" moments. But certainly and undeniably, we both love each other dearly. It's apparent in the look we throw each other, in the silent exchanges of words, in my buying him stuff that I know would make him happy, in his volunteering to watch over his nephew when Mama kid him about babysitting him while Bolo and I are busy with work...

I must admit, growing up, I was extremely jealous of my brother and the slack that our parents apparently provides him which is so unlike of the very strict upbringing I got from them. I guess it's more of the gender thing -- him being male and my being female. Well, my parents are old fashioned so I could hardly blame them for that.

As I got older though, losing Papa unexpectedly, and having learned so much from life, I realized nothing really matters but keeping all your loved ones close to heart. It's more important than having your expectations of them, met. And so I began to be more affectionate to my brother than anything. I still do nag him though, urge him to make something out of his life... But there wasn't much anger in the nagging anymore... It's a nagging not borne out of exasperation but of concern. So, there was definitely a distinction in that...

Sifting Through Information

The tricycle driver scoffed at us when we told him the CT scan costs four thousand. He said that is the first time he heard that such a “minor” procedure cost as much. He turned to us and said that his own Mom had been in and out of the hospital due to stroke and that all the procedures are familiar to him because of that. He said the CT scan entails being attached with wires on certain parts of the body and then be connected to a certain machine which will do the reading. I immediately thought that he probably mistook ECG for CT scan. In a know-it-all tone he told us CT scan will only cost around 150 to 200 pesos. Then he muttered under his breath, “Four thousand!” Bolo and I exchanged knowing looks and just smiled at each other.

After that he told us to go to the office next to the hospital entrance. He said it is where we could get discount for certain procedures. He said we only have to fill in forms there and then we could save a lot of money if we do that. He also shared with us other important information. While he was sharing all these, I sat there and said to myself, “These, these, are what I needed to hear.” I felt he was our driver then and not anyone else because of information that he had to share..

The experience taught me a great deal about having a discerning heart. Often times, we get to hear about certain things and we begin to feel bad and stop at that. Sometimes if we hear certain people talk about a person we readily assume what they said to be true even if we haven’t met the person personally yet.

I learned in the past how life and the universe give you exactly what you want and the answers to your question. That is why you have to be clear as to what your questions are and the things that you really want. Otherwise the answers could have slapped you right in your face and you just didn’t know it.

If I readily judged Manong driver to be ignorant based on the things he said about the CT scan then I also would not have learned of the other things that he had to say which proved really helpful later on. Sometimes a person had to open his mouth only once and we immediately make our judgment. Even I am guilty of that sometimes… Often times we had one bad experience with a person and we stop there, have him stamped and labeled as such as if he is not entitled to change and his own growth… I wonder why is that?

Ah, I’m very much fond of truth. Otherwise I wouldn’t have taken Philosophy as a course. We have this saying in college how difficult it is to love “Sophia” (knowledge, truth) but we love her anyway. And so despite the difficulty, of being misled at times, I still continue to seek for her, to yearn for her… to sift through layers demi-truth just to behold her in her purest form. (I’m talking shop I know hehehe but I’m sure philosophy lovers would know exactly what I mean…)

Given all the information overload in our world these days – and I meant “information” in every way and sense – it is quite easy to be misled and to close ourselves to further realities and truths. It is so easy to believe in one thing and to stick to it no matter what. We make judgments and we cling to it till the end of time. We tend to forget that life is ever evolving. Persons are always changing. And that we have a wonderful God who is constantly and patiently working on the good of each one of us.

Each one of us is a work in progress. I am a work in progress. That few persons who have hurt me just recently are also works in progress. So I certainly have no business feeling bitter and unforgiving. Doing so is tantamount to “not believing.” And I do believe. And everyday I cling to such faith. It’s not difficult to. How can it be difficult when everyday I feel His kindness even when I may be right smack in the middle of a personal battle and problems…

Thank you Father God.

Dios Mabalos

I sat at the back of the session hall. There was a lull in the sessions as the participants were having a workshop. Professor went up to me and sat beside me. Then he said, “Rodilyn-san, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for everything you’ve done for the project. I’ve been told everything sped up when you took charge of it. Thank you very much.”

I was speechless. I muttered an incoherent response, making light of my involvement for the project. I was never good at handling compliments. It always embarrasses me. I’ve read somewhere that such an attitude is not healthy as it implies having a low self-esteem. It said that being able to accept compliments well is an indication of self-confidence. So where does that leave me huh? :(

Anyway, back to that encounter, it came at the most opportune time. I came to the Legazpi training with a heavy heart. I wallowed in uncertainty. I was at a point wherein I was beginning to question my own abilities. For several months at that time I was made to feel inept. As if I do not know what I’m doing. I’m not sure what is it about myself that made them assume as such. Is it because I don’t have such a strong personality? Well, on the outside that is. But how many times have I proven that looks could be deceiving? I’ve accomplished feats no “weakling” could have done… Is it because I choose to remain quiet and do my own thing than be bubbly and  opinionated on things I feel I have no right to.  Nor, do I want to waste my time to give my opinion on (especially when it is about other people's lives). Is that it?

In short, I was at that time really running on empty. Fresh from the miscarriage, I am feeling a bit low, experiencing some mild post-partum blues. Well, who wouldn’t? Given all that I’ve been through and the lack of support I got from the persons whom I thought would understand most… But ah, I did not want to write about that. It wasn’t my intention at all to write about my angst. After all, truthfully, I’m way past feeling all that already.

I wanted to write about this phrase I learned in Legazpi that I fell in love with. “Dios Mabalos” is how they say, “Thank you” in Legazpi. Its literal meaning is, “God will repay…” It is meant as a good wish or a blessing bestowed on a person in exchange for a good deed received or for a certain kindness shown.

I think it’s a nice way of saying, “thank you” or of showing gratitude. It meant the act of kindness received was truly appreciated in that no amount of gratitude is enough and so the wish that God will repay the person for his/her kindness…

July is a special month for me since not only do I celebrate my birthday on this month but because our anniversary fall on this month as well. In other words, there are a lot to thank God for during this month.

Bolo and I went to hear Mass on my birthday. As I knelt down to pray, the above phrase came to mind and I thought, how could I say “thank you” to a God who is the source of all blessings? I thought, how could I say, “Dios Mabalos” to Him when He could hardly “repay” Himself for His own kindness...

Then it just came to me, it is “I” who would do the “repaying.” How I live my life -- to live it in such a way that would be pleasing to His eyes, -- would be my “repayment” for all the blessings He have gifted me with. I grow sober at the thought. After all, I am certain that not everything I’ve done is pleasing to His eyes.

For everything I’ve been through the past months, I’m not sure if the manner with which I chose to “react” to those situations would be something that would be pleasing to Him. For sure the attitude, the stance and the state of being I chose to face all those problems are far from being “exemplary.” I was bitter, remorseful, woeful… The result? I was unhappy like h***. So where is the “state of grace” in all of that?

One thing I’m realizing now is that how others made me feel at that point was my own choice and my own doing. They were just being themselves. Whether there was something wrong with how they were or how they conduct being themselves is something that is beyond me really. How I choose to react however, that, certainly is my sole responsibility… And looking back I know I failed dismally to be the best that I can be in handling the situation.

On the other hand, I also realize now that I too have to be kind to myself. Assessing the situation objectively, I think I have the right to feel the way I did then. I was made to feel insignificant. While I chose to feel that way, I did not choose it out of my own whim…

But enough of that. I declare right at this moment that I will not allow myself to wallow in the negativity of the entire situation. Instead, I choose to rise above all of it. I choose to remind myself that I’ve been through several hurts and I’ve survived past it all… I want to remind myself how I could not afford to let the situation be a burden I’ll be carrying for the rest of my life. Life is short. So short and I choose to live it the best way I can. I choose to live it being happy and feeling grateful than to allow myself to linger on every pain and problem that may come my way.  That would not accomplish anything.  It would only make me feel miserable. I certainly would want to choose to be constantly in the state of grace (If I could help it) than to feel constantly bitter or remorseful if others would do me wrong…

Dios Mabalos. God has been so faithful, so kind in my life. I ought to repay him back in full…