Saranggola

Some time ago - at the stage when I dabbled on art and sketching - I had this complete series on "Kites" which I did in watercolors. They showed a father and a son in different acts of flying a kite together. They were special to me and I imagined them to be something that will form part of my future.

Yesterday, owing to how hot it was at home, Tatay, Bolets, Janin and I decided to spend the afternoon at the tree-lined, four-lane, driveway of the subdivision. There were some shady parts there owing to the acacia trees and it was cool and windy. It proved to be perfect for what Tatay had planned of doing that afternoon - fly kite with his son.

Using old calendar sheets, some masking tapes and walis ting-ting, he managed to make two kites. One for Bolets and another for our niece, Janin. Just watching Baby helping Tatay create the kites was enough to make feel grateful for the experience. It was his little comments in that cute, little voice of his that made the experience special -- "Di bale Ate, maya di na mainit" (Don't worry Ate, later, it won't be hot anymore) when his cousin complained about how hot it was out there. Watching them fly the kites together - father and son -- gave me twice the fulfillment.

When I made that complete watercolor series, I was dreaming about my future, about what I hope my marriage would be like. I was wishing for a dotting husband and father to my son. Now, that I'm right smack in the middle of family life, I'm finding out it is not as "quiet," dreamy and as perfect as what the paintings had been. There simply are just realities that one had to contend with. Still, I'm not giving up on the dreamy, quiet part... or the "magical" part for that matter...

Baby's New Antics

Two weeks ago, I called home from a workshop to ask Tatay for something. It was Baby who answered the phone. After the usual greeting and exchange of "I love you's," I told him to give Tatay the phone and then in complete sentence, and without hesitation, he answered me, "Wala si Tatay dito." (Tatay is not here) I felt my heart expand. It was the first "straight" telephone conversation we have ever had. And I felt emotional realizing that Baby is really not a baby anymore. He really could communicate very well already. And it is becoming apparent everyday.

If before, I had to rely on mother's insticts and guess work to figure out what Baby is saying to me, now, there hardly is a need to. More often than not, Baby is straightforward in saying what he wants and in communicating his thoughts with me, with us. And I find that very endearing and refreshing.

And not only can he communicate well, he's logic is faultless as well.Just yesterday, we were having lunch over at the in-laws. Having finished first, I was served iced tea. Seeing it, he also asked for his share. I pointed out he could not have iced tea since he’s not yet through eating. When he got a bit noisy, refused to take another bite unless served iced tea, I got exasperated and told him he could have some but just a little. His rejoinder was quick. With a pout he told me – “Di konti! Marami! O, dami rice ko!” (Not just a little! Look, I have plenty of rice!) How do you argue with that?

We were on our way home after that lunch when we passed by where we usually take the turn for my former office. Good as he is with directions, he immediately recognized the corner and remarked: “Nanay’s work!” pointing at the corner. Then, holding out his fingers and counting them off he said, “Dami office ni Nanay!” (Nanay goes to a lot of offices!) This, in reference to the frequency of their taking me to hotels the past few weeks. Just this morning, dropping me off at this hotel, which had been and will be the venue of weekend workshops till next week, he readily took it for granted that this is my office as well.

There’s this one incident as well last week wherein I was admonishing him for something. I can no longer remember what exactly about. I could remember telling him about what he did was “Bawal!” (A no-no!) He appeared to have accepted my verdict and then grew quiet for some time. And then he said, “Sa ‘yo Nanay, di bawal?” (How about you, Nanay? It’s okay for you to do it?) Cute baby I have here. =)

“Office ni Nanay” (Mother’s Office)

This morning, even though it was a weekend, I had a workshop to document. I was tired, coming from another grueling workshop for the past three days. I would have just wanted to linger in bed. But work is work and in truth, I’m actually excited to be a part of that particular project. It concerns the family and business – the former, being my foremost passion for the moment and the latter, something I’ve been contemplating about getting into more seriously, one of these days. When I have the time that is hehe It’s going to be an engagement, spread out for the next two months. It’s going to take away my weekends for that long but I am certainly looking forward to learning as much as I can from it.

So anyway while I was getting ready, Baby woke up and immediately looked for his Tatay. I told him Tatay is getting the car ready since he’s taking me to work. He immediately got teary-eyed and told me it’s okay for him if I work but that Tatay should stay at home with him. I told him Tatay would have to take me to work but would be right back. That was not good enough for him though. In the end, we had to take him along with us. There is nothing new about that. Being without a nanny for a long time now, we had to constantly tag him along wherever we go. If I had to go to the gym, Tatay had to go some other time since he had to watch over Baby and vice-versa.

So anyway, it did not dawn on me that Baby has been taking note of the places we’re going to and have certain associations for them. Until this morning. The workshop was at a downtown hotel which is a common venue for training and workshops. And it wasn’t the first time they’ve taken or fetched me from there. Just as we were about to turn the corner where the hotel was, Baby suddenly exclaimed, “Oh! There! Office ni Nanay! Yehey! Ayan na office ni Nanay.” (Oh! There it is, Mother’s office!) I was so surprised but at the same time, was also greatly amused. Office indeed! Hehe!

So true, even when I was still working full time or now that I’m doing free-lance work, my world revolves mostly in hotels and training venues. And Baby had grown up spending time in hotels as well especially when the training would be “live-in” and would run for several days. When he was a mere six-month old baby, I had dragged him all the way to Legazpi because I had to be there for five days and I was breastfeeding him. A few months after that, I had to drag him again to Cebu and then Baguio.

It’s just funny how Baby readily associates the hotels as my office. He’d been to my previous office several times and yes, he would readily exclaim as we would drive towards it that there is Nanay’s office. It’s really funny how he thought of the hotels as my office as well just because I’d tell him I’m off to work every time they take me there.

The whole experience drove home the point to me that Baby is really at the stage now that he is taking everything in and associating situations and events with different things. He is really at such a vulnerable age wherein he is starting to define things based on his own experiences from it. Like love. Everything that he is experiencing with us as parents would be something he’d associate with love and how relationships should be. And that whole thing has a lot of bearing on his self-confidence, how he regards himself, and us as his parents. Imagine that. The realization is humbling and puts a lot of pressure on me. I am not perfect and I am afraid I have committed things and may still do things that could harm Baby for the rest of his life.

In one of the sessions this morning, the resource person gave emphasis on the point that a family is a very powerful force that can help build the individual and at the same time, could also be responsible for hampering his/her growth. And I think that “powerful force” is something that is completely in the parents’ hands. Well, at least when the children are still small. How that power is yielded depends solely on them and how they in turn were brought up as kids.

I look at Tatay and his dysfunctional family and I am very much worried indeed. And of course, there is also my own imperfection. But no, I refuse to dwell much on that. That is out of my hands already. It’s been done and there is nothing I can do about it now. However, Baby’s present and future is something that is now my sole responsibility. Definitely, there is something I can do about THAT. And of course there is God, who is the source of all my strength. I may be weak by I am comforted with the thought that He too has a plan where the life of son is concerned. I am not alone in this.

These days, realizing my role as a parent, I find plenty of reasons to be on my knees just to implore Him to make things right for my son and to protect Baby from my own mistakes and distorted take on some things. He had never failed me where providing for our financial needs is concerned. I am counting on the belief that He also would not fail to guide Tatay and I to make the right decisions for our son and to bring him up in the way that he should go. For that particular prayer alone, I put my whole heart and being into it. It is that important to me.

There’s this particular song I particularly liked because it serves as a prayer to me where being a parent is concerned. I have already posted it here but I'll post it again here soon.

Repost...

I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress
still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore.
True, I may still be very much a work in progress
but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well.

My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him.
I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep
not out of shame but out of knowing
that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth
and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet
but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.

Reading past entries a while back when I came across the above entry. It was on my birthday blog last year and I am immediately humbled. Because, another birthday is just around the corner and yet here I am, still "working on" having a conscious effort at "working for" my own unfolding. And I'm quite ashamed at the thought that just last weekend, I stumbled big time where that is concerned... I'm reposting the above entry to remind myself... Because, I have certainly forgotten...