Co-Parenting a Son

Pre-script: Titled this initially as "Parenting a Son" but yeah, the truth is I'm co-parenting.  I'm not here on my own, it's a shared responsibility by Tatay and I.  And yeah, while I may be stuck with my own "brand" of parenting, I certainly do not have the monopoly of "doing the right thing" where parenting our children is concerned.  Tatay is such an able partner and father.  He's one of those modern Dads who don't mind taking on some roles normally relegated to "mothers" just to be Dad to his children and I appreciate him a lot for that.  This incident actually happened a few weeks back.  Just able to finish this last night and posted it now.

It's been a while since I reflected upon and wrote something about parenthood.  Well, it's been a while since I wrote my last entry here for that matter.  The incident this morning however made me realize I should really set aside time to do so, if only to give me time to detach myself from "breaking point" situations and gain a better perspective of things. Also, I remember how at one point, my journal had been so full of my thoughts and realizations about parenthood and the almost day-to-day account of "aha" and "hmm-moments" where parenting is concerned.    And as such, it’s like chronicling also my relationship with my son and how it changed over time.  It makes me think it might be something I’d love to revisit once my son would enter that “barkada phase” wherein no amount of cajoling would make him want to spend time with me. 

Anyway, as hubby accused me this morning, I take parenthood a tad too seriously.  Well, I take my responsibilities seriously and I just happen to think that from among the many "responsibilities" entrusted in my care to date, parenthood tops the list.  So yeah, I know where he is coming from and I do feel I need to have a sit-down session with “me” just to check whether or not I'm being way over the top.

It all started with a letter from school asking if Dad's could participate in a basketball tournament of sorts.  Yeah, Tatay plays football.  He'd played it all his life so he feels inept where basketball is concerned.  I forgot about that tiny detail.  What I saw with that letter was an opportunity for him to further foster his relationship with his son.  

I've been "somewhat" pushing him to spend more time with his son.  While I try to be a good parent as I can be, I know I can only do so much for my son. Eventually, it's his father's influence that would spell a big difference in his life.  And so the "pushing."  It's not that Tatay doesn't spend time with Rod, he does. In fact, it's him who picks up Rod from school every day.  He drives Rod in the morning as well but I'm usually there and it's more of a mom-and-son-time than theirs.  And yet to me, that isn't enough.  

When Rod turned 7, we had such elaborate plans for it, marking it as ushering him into "manhood."  He and Tatay went mountain climbing (Rod's first) at the crack of dawn on his birthday.    They even had an exchange of  matching “friendship bonds” when they got to the peak to mark the event.  What I envisioned to happen after that was that Tatay and Rod would have a regular “man –thing.”  But as it was, managing two stores got in the way.  My own hectic schedule did not help things any. Whatever sychro-schedule we do manage to get, we spend catching up as an entire family.  In short, there never was that just-him-and-Rod special moment.  And then that basketball-for-school thing happened.

So we got into this vacuum conversation this morning.  Vacuum, because I was putting forward my argument, bent on getting what I want and focused only on what I thought would be good for “my” son.  Tatay on the other hand was being truthful about basketball not being his thing and how he doesn’t want to make a fool of himself, getting into something he’s totally inept at.  In other words, we were not really making a connection.  We were both blind to the other’s point but our own.  So in truth, we weren’t really hearing each other.  Our ears respectively were tuned in only to hearing the other’s assent.  Getting neither, our argument continued.

As is often the case with me where this is concerned, I got emotional.  To me, at that point, everything else is secondary (if not irrelevant) to Rod’s getting that “manhood apprenticeship” from his own Dad.  At one point I got so frustrated I underlined to Tatay how serious parenting is to me and how it’s a consideration for every decision I had to make.  I emphasized as a mother I can only do so much for our son who is growing up fast every day.  In an outburst I said that if only I could grow a p***$ and manufacture testosterone for myself then I would and take on that role for my son.  That’s when he threw in that “me and parenting tad too seriously” line.

Looking back, Tatay of course has a point.  Asking him to play basketball in front of an entire school community is really pushing him up a wall.  True, I got a point as well but yeah, it’s starting to dawn on me that surely Tatay doesn’t have to go through lengths of embarrassing himself in front of a huge crowd.  Besides, that would also embarrass his son and not helping my cause at all.  And I am really sorry for having missed this point. It wasn't fair of me. Aside from being a mother, I am a partner also and ought to be mindful of his feelings and point of view as well.

There was a stage in my past wherein I considered my being too cerebral (translation: over-think things too much!) as somewhat of a curse but yeah, I’d take that anytime than go through life, half-blind, if at all “awake.”  Over the years, I’ve fine-tuned things a bit and learned to disregard wasteful thoughts (unnecessary fears, “projections” and other things that are really beyond my control) and just stick with what really matters.  So yeah, right now I appreciate the fact that I think things over, and that I afford myself some “breathing/brain space” to think things through.  I would like to believe and take comfort that by doing so, I ensure that I arrive at decisions that are most loving and just for all concerned.  But of course, all of these come hand-in-hand with prayer, meditation and being still...  Thank you, God.