March 31, 2006
Friday
My Desk
Haay… Now I have come to terms with the fact that dining out would never be the same. Well, at least for a little while that is, while baby is still a “minute” human being. Hmm… come to think of it, I guess it will not be the same for a long, long time hehehe Even if baby would have gain a few more in terms of height, it will still take years for him to learn enough “social graces” for Bolo and I to enjoy a relatively decent meal hehehe I’m not whining though. In fact I’m looking forward to experiencing him in that sense.
Last Monday, some close friends, Candy, Dane and I dined at the Marco Polo. I wish I could just let it on here that dining at the Marco Polo is an everyday occurrence hehehe. But it would not have been the choice had it not been for some certificate Candy had. We still ended up paying quite a hefty sum though that Dane vowed we would not dine again at the Marco until our kids are old enough to graduate in college hahaha!
It was supposed to be just a “girls-night-out” event. We had been looking forward to a session of whining about the husbands and talking behind their back hehehe but circumstances conspired and we ended up having Bong and Bolo (Archie could not make it) along. A part of me appreciated the change of plans because it meant Bolo and I can bring along baby and I wouldn’t have to worry about leaving him hungry or hurrying home.
At around 5 o’clock, B and baby already showed up in the office so I could still feed him. That would buy for us a few hours till he goes hungry again. It could mean we would have been through with dinner before I have to feed him again. At around 7, we were already at Dane’s office. We agreed to wait for Candy there. For some reason, Baby got into a tantrum. He was really having the fits, which was totally unlike him. His cry would switch from one who is totally irritated to being pained the next. He’s normally a happy kid. In fact, we could count on him to just play by himself when we had to do other things. He’s only irritable when he’s really sleepy but even then his “antics” while at the bank tops his previous “routines.” After a while he settled down and slept.
We had just seated ourselves on our table at Café Marco when Baby woke up and beamed at me. As it was impossible to eat properly while watching him, Bolo and I took turns in holding him, getting our food, and eating. Since I was totally preoccupied with Baby, I never had the chance to really participate in the conversation. We did some catching up though, mostly about Candy who have just transferred into a new house. After that, the conversation turned general. We talked about other classmates. Ah, and we spent the rest of the evening conferring on how to divide the bill among ourselves hahaha It was really fun, something I have expected with Dane and Candy around. They’re two of the most fun personalities in our class. They’re so matter-of-fact that often their comments on things would leave anyone amused. They’re what one would consider “gay” ladies, or “bading” in colloquial terms hehehe. Luv you guys :)
All in all it was a fun night. I was real happy to experience it with B and Baby. The fact that Baby had gone “fine dining” while he is still four months old really appealed to me hehe. Notwithstanding I had to hurriedly look for a corner in which to “feed” him. We both ended up at the “veranda-cum-mini-park” attached to the dining hall. It was the designated “smoking area” and I had to literally “sniff” around just to make sure it does not reek of nicotine. Happily, it did not as it was an open area. Luckily it was pretty dimmed there and nobody was around. I sat on the lone bench there and Baby settled quite happily to have his fill.
Baby must have had more than enough milk since by the time I continued eating and had my dessert – he was already making faces. He was smiling and frowning all at the same time. We could all guess what he’s at and Bong was laughing out loud. I thought nothing of it since it wasn’t his “schedule” to go at that time. Since he turned two months, he had never missed a schedule. Always, it is in the morning, just after he wakes up. Sometimes he would miss a day but every time he does go, it is always in the morning. Always. So I really had no idea why of all places and of all the time there is, he “went” then. B and I ignored it a bit. We were both in denial. When it started to “smell” there was no more denying the situation hehe. Luckily he’s breastfed otherwise it would have really smelt bad. Compared to formula-fed babies, breastfed babies’ poop doesn’t smell half as bad.
I brought Baby to the ladies’ restroom. Since it was virtually impossible to clean him up all by myself, I had to call Bolo for back-up. We argued a bit before he agreed to enter the restroom with me. I told him it was a pretty big place and there was no one there. I had to convince him that anyone who would enter would understand considering the situation and that he could always excuse himself. The funny thing was Baby had been smiling all the time. He was even giggling as if totally amused with the whole situation. It pretty felt like he was enjoying himself while we fussed over him. He really looked so cute and adorable then that I regretted not having a camera with me.
That was how it was, our first dinner out with Baby in tow. It wasn’t so bad. In fact, I totally enjoyed myself. I’m looking forward to doing more of the same. It just dawned on me, everything that I’ll be doing now would really be different with Baby around. Before it used to be just me or just Bolo and I. Now, we have Baby to make things thrice the fun. Welcome to the team, Baby “Bolets.” Your Tatay and I promise you a whole world of fun and adventure :).
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Journal Entry: Going Blind and Shouting
March 26, 2006
Living Room
While watching television earlier, we came across a trailer of some telenovela. It is a lovestory between a blind guy and a girl. Apparently, they sort of drifted from each other and then meet each other again when the guy is no longer blind. From the looks of it, the girl readily recognized the guy (of course!). The guy however showed no inkling at all that he knows the girl. B turned to me and said the guy should have recognized the girl through her voice. After all it is the voice of the person that he loves. I replied that being able to see finally probably overwhelmed the guy. If before, when he is still blind, he is sensitive about a lot of things and the different nuances of his significant other, all of that fades away as he focuses on his newly acquired sight. (Hehehe always the logical Rodilyn talking huh? Hehehe)
B shook his head, turned to me, covered his eyes and said he would recognize me even from a mile away should he go blind. I smiled sheepishly about to be flattered when he added that it’s because I have a very distinctive “shout.” That had me laugh out loud.
Indeed, we do get into a “shouting-match” sometimes when we’re arguing. This somewhat “unsettled” me, at first. The fact that our argument could come to that does not sit well with me. Then I realized that it is normal in every relationship. It dawned on me that the “shouting” part is largely due to the fact that we are “comfortable” with each other. To allow ourselves to be that “raw” in front of the other imply how secure we feel in our relationship.
I’ve written about this before and I’m reiterating it here again – ours is not a “pa-cute” relationship. What we have is a relationship that’s straightforward. Both of us wear our emotions on our sleeves, transparent enough for the other to see and feel. Disappointments are readily expressed. In the same way, “I love you’s” and words of appreciation are also expressed off-handedly. B, looking my way - or me, looking his way - with a sheepish expression on his/my face and mouthing "lab u B" is something that is experienced often enough... I am not in no way wishing that the shouting will continue or occur often but I'd rather have that anytime than me having to nurse my hurts in silence and have my soul slowly shrivel and die.
Living Room
While watching television earlier, we came across a trailer of some telenovela. It is a lovestory between a blind guy and a girl. Apparently, they sort of drifted from each other and then meet each other again when the guy is no longer blind. From the looks of it, the girl readily recognized the guy (of course!). The guy however showed no inkling at all that he knows the girl. B turned to me and said the guy should have recognized the girl through her voice. After all it is the voice of the person that he loves. I replied that being able to see finally probably overwhelmed the guy. If before, when he is still blind, he is sensitive about a lot of things and the different nuances of his significant other, all of that fades away as he focuses on his newly acquired sight. (Hehehe always the logical Rodilyn talking huh? Hehehe)
B shook his head, turned to me, covered his eyes and said he would recognize me even from a mile away should he go blind. I smiled sheepishly about to be flattered when he added that it’s because I have a very distinctive “shout.” That had me laugh out loud.
Indeed, we do get into a “shouting-match” sometimes when we’re arguing. This somewhat “unsettled” me, at first. The fact that our argument could come to that does not sit well with me. Then I realized that it is normal in every relationship. It dawned on me that the “shouting” part is largely due to the fact that we are “comfortable” with each other. To allow ourselves to be that “raw” in front of the other imply how secure we feel in our relationship.
I’ve written about this before and I’m reiterating it here again – ours is not a “pa-cute” relationship. What we have is a relationship that’s straightforward. Both of us wear our emotions on our sleeves, transparent enough for the other to see and feel. Disappointments are readily expressed. In the same way, “I love you’s” and words of appreciation are also expressed off-handedly. B, looking my way - or me, looking his way - with a sheepish expression on his/my face and mouthing "lab u B" is something that is experienced often enough... I am not in no way wishing that the shouting will continue or occur often but I'd rather have that anytime than me having to nurse my hurts in silence and have my soul slowly shrivel and die.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
The Everest Dream
Had quite a long day yesterday and a lot had happened that's really worth writing about. So many thoughts in my head, all compartmentalized hehehe B and I had some interesting interactions over the weekend that I want to reflect on and write about. And last night, we had dinner at the Marco Polo with some close friends and my hubby and baby. I wanted to write about that too. But at the moment, I'm chatting with an old friend from the "mountaineering" aspect of my life. We are talking about another friend who's very dear to us -- Pastor.
Last night, when I saw the Correspondents featuring Pastor and Leo on their preparation for their "Everest Quest," I had some mixed feelings. Chatting with my friend now again brought the feelings to the surface.
I feel both happy and sad for Pastor. Happy since it's every mountaineer's dream to climb Mt. Everest and as he said last night in the interview, Mt. Everest just happened to him. He did not seek it out, it sought him...
When I saw Pastor cried last night in the interview, I cried too. I cry because I could imagine how he must be feeling being away from his family and all. I'm sure - just as all of us over here is thinking - the "unsureness" of their quest is very much on his mind. Conquering Everest is a no joke. I'm sure he is very much aware that it could cost him his life.
And it could pretty well cost him his life. When he cried, I knew he was thinking of his family, of his little boys. I know how he's feeling now that I have a little boy myself. His second son is mine and Bolo's "inaanak." The last time we saw Pastor was a few months before our wedding. He was on his way back to Manila then for his further training. And he had expressed his regret that he won't be able to attend it.
During his son's Christening, he had been teasing Bolo and I then. He knew us from the past, separately. Pastor had even met a previous boyfriend and he was a close friend to a... well... previous "suitor" too. He had often teased me to this friend of his.
When Bolo had started courting me, Bolo told me Pastor had been somewhat encouraging although he knew I was still in a relationship then. When Bolo and I finally became an item, he had told me of his "approval" of Bolo. He told me Bolo is "kind" and that I could count on him. He was right.
Ah, seeing Pastor cry really shook me. I feel for him and I feel for Anne too. I could only imagine how Anne is feeling at the moment. I feel a bit of "anger" for the situation that forced them to hasten their assault of the mountain. They are not supposed to take on Everest till next year. That would have given them ample time for further preparation. And then now, they would have to hasten due to... ah... I don't want to delve into the whole controversy. I don't have all the facts either so it's hard to come up with my own opinion on the whole thing. But I sure am feeling emotional over Pastor being cheated of those few months of preparation. And I feel that they ought to climb without some undue pressure. For God's sake, it's their life that's at stake there and they're leaving behind families and friends here. Pastor has a wife and two sons for Christ's sake. Two little boys who are growing up without much of the presence of their father because he had to be on training for this thing.
Even I am emotional as most of our friends are. How much more so, Ann who is his wife? I know she's dealing with the uncertainty of the situation as well. I feel for her as a wife and as a mother, being one myself. And I want to reach out to her to tell her that we are supporting her somewhat and that we're praying for Pastor and their family.
Dear, funny, always smiling, jolly, good dancer, life-of-the-party, good-friend-to-everyone, Pastor... you are terribly missed over here. Miss seeing you during kayak competitions, local adventure races and outdoor activities here. I would rather have you as an opponent again and end up losing than not seeing you here with us. Bolo and I are and will be praying for your success and safety. You are right, Everest is a "destiny." It's all up to the mountain should she yield to you or not. But you have such a good heart. You have such a good soul. You're a very good person. I'm sure she'll know that when you're finally in her midst. She'll feel your kindness and will return the favor. God Bless friend, can't wait to see you home."
Last night, when I saw the Correspondents featuring Pastor and Leo on their preparation for their "Everest Quest," I had some mixed feelings. Chatting with my friend now again brought the feelings to the surface.
I feel both happy and sad for Pastor. Happy since it's every mountaineer's dream to climb Mt. Everest and as he said last night in the interview, Mt. Everest just happened to him. He did not seek it out, it sought him...
When I saw Pastor cried last night in the interview, I cried too. I cry because I could imagine how he must be feeling being away from his family and all. I'm sure - just as all of us over here is thinking - the "unsureness" of their quest is very much on his mind. Conquering Everest is a no joke. I'm sure he is very much aware that it could cost him his life.
And it could pretty well cost him his life. When he cried, I knew he was thinking of his family, of his little boys. I know how he's feeling now that I have a little boy myself. His second son is mine and Bolo's "inaanak." The last time we saw Pastor was a few months before our wedding. He was on his way back to Manila then for his further training. And he had expressed his regret that he won't be able to attend it.
During his son's Christening, he had been teasing Bolo and I then. He knew us from the past, separately. Pastor had even met a previous boyfriend and he was a close friend to a... well... previous "suitor" too. He had often teased me to this friend of his.
When Bolo had started courting me, Bolo told me Pastor had been somewhat encouraging although he knew I was still in a relationship then. When Bolo and I finally became an item, he had told me of his "approval" of Bolo. He told me Bolo is "kind" and that I could count on him. He was right.
Ah, seeing Pastor cry really shook me. I feel for him and I feel for Anne too. I could only imagine how Anne is feeling at the moment. I feel a bit of "anger" for the situation that forced them to hasten their assault of the mountain. They are not supposed to take on Everest till next year. That would have given them ample time for further preparation. And then now, they would have to hasten due to... ah... I don't want to delve into the whole controversy. I don't have all the facts either so it's hard to come up with my own opinion on the whole thing. But I sure am feeling emotional over Pastor being cheated of those few months of preparation. And I feel that they ought to climb without some undue pressure. For God's sake, it's their life that's at stake there and they're leaving behind families and friends here. Pastor has a wife and two sons for Christ's sake. Two little boys who are growing up without much of the presence of their father because he had to be on training for this thing.
Even I am emotional as most of our friends are. How much more so, Ann who is his wife? I know she's dealing with the uncertainty of the situation as well. I feel for her as a wife and as a mother, being one myself. And I want to reach out to her to tell her that we are supporting her somewhat and that we're praying for Pastor and their family.
Dear, funny, always smiling, jolly, good dancer, life-of-the-party, good-friend-to-everyone, Pastor... you are terribly missed over here. Miss seeing you during kayak competitions, local adventure races and outdoor activities here. I would rather have you as an opponent again and end up losing than not seeing you here with us. Bolo and I are and will be praying for your success and safety. You are right, Everest is a "destiny." It's all up to the mountain should she yield to you or not. But you have such a good heart. You have such a good soul. You're a very good person. I'm sure she'll know that when you're finally in her midst. She'll feel your kindness and will return the favor. God Bless friend, can't wait to see you home."
Friday, March 24, 2006
For Reflection
Either way, we want to just make the most of this thing...to suck the marrow out the bones of life, to live deeply and without reservation, hesitation or fear. To breathe deep the air of spring and the breath of God, to savor the depths of flavors and the best of God's good earth and to "taste and see" the goodness of God, to hold the things that matter close to the heart, to treasure the hard parts of loving and frolic like a 4-year old in a mud puddle in the good, easy parts.
Don't waste this thing.
It's too good.
Above is a part of an article from the "Daily Devotionals" I subscribe to. I read this particular devotional months ago. The message above really struck me the first time I read it. So much so that I "clipped" it and saved it under the filename, "For Reflection." I had intended to reflect on the subject but have been pressed for time to accomplish other tasks. It wasn't only a while back while cleaning up my hard drive of unwanted files had I came across it again. And once again the message struck me.
Getting married and having a child changed my life drastically. I would admit that there are times when I would daydream about my carefree days when I would think of nothing but myself. But the moment would pass quickly. If only for the mere fact that I don't have the luxury of the time to even think about daydreaming :)
Lately, life had taken on the shape of meeting and fulfilling responsibilies. I rarely have time for myself. Clicking away here, being absorbed on my thoughts is the closest I could get to having some time for "me." And I'm grateful that I still am able to afford myself this.
My proverbial motto had always been, "Carpe Diem!" Which I later elevated to, "Seize the moment!" After all, a "day" is far too long compared to a "moment." That is why over the years I saw myself pursuing all sorts of things -- from travels to races to sport involvements. I filled my days with various activities. And always, I had tried to make myself available to every friend in need of my company for whatever reason. I tried to be present to every birthday party, Christening, wedding, all sorts of get-togethers I get invited to. Not just because I want to be there for my friends but because I value my relationships. Love pretty much figure in every relationship I get myself into. That is why I value them so much.
Now, everything is different. I don't even have time for a walk, much less do the nightly runs I used to engage in, in the past. Everything seems to revolve around this tiny, little being that is entrusted in my care. If in the past, all of my energy gets channelled to various other pursuits, now it's just one directional. Ultimately, everything leads to making sure that this tiny, little being's needs and good are achieved. And I'm thinking - this being focused on just one "thing" - is this tantamount to "getting out" of life or not seizing the moment? Does this mean I'm degenerating and not living my life to the full just as I should? I would like to ask, what does make life "fulfilling" then? Getting involved in sports? Going to all those places? Climbing a mountain one day and then bathing in the sea the next?
During lunchbreak today when I got home, I walked in to see my son lying on his back trying to amuse himself. He looked up when he saw me approach and then his whole face lit up. I felt my whole being expand, it was as if all the emotions I hold in my heart overflowed to fill the entire room. Now I'm remembering how I feel pretty much the same way when I see a beautiful sunset or have just finished a satisfying race. At that moment, I felt like I was on top of Apo again seeing how a beautiful sunrise could bathe everything in a soft, golden glow. I always feel love and God's presence during those moments. I would always feel that God indeed is good and that all is well. Seeing my son's beautiful face earlier made me feel that way too.
I am in no way discounting the fact that I could be as active again as I used to be. I still daydream about climbing mountains and participating in runs and going travelling... But for now, I had to settle down a bit so I could be there for my son. Experiencing motherhood, experiencing falling in love everyday and everytime I beheld my son's face, finding myself as I learn to live life while holding someone else's hand are things that are making my life complete at the moment. And no way are they less exciting than conquering a peak or winning a race. I love you B, you and our little one. Thank you for taking on this adventure with me.
Don't waste this thing.
It's too good.
Above is a part of an article from the "Daily Devotionals" I subscribe to. I read this particular devotional months ago. The message above really struck me the first time I read it. So much so that I "clipped" it and saved it under the filename, "For Reflection." I had intended to reflect on the subject but have been pressed for time to accomplish other tasks. It wasn't only a while back while cleaning up my hard drive of unwanted files had I came across it again. And once again the message struck me.
Getting married and having a child changed my life drastically. I would admit that there are times when I would daydream about my carefree days when I would think of nothing but myself. But the moment would pass quickly. If only for the mere fact that I don't have the luxury of the time to even think about daydreaming :)
Lately, life had taken on the shape of meeting and fulfilling responsibilies. I rarely have time for myself. Clicking away here, being absorbed on my thoughts is the closest I could get to having some time for "me." And I'm grateful that I still am able to afford myself this.
My proverbial motto had always been, "Carpe Diem!" Which I later elevated to, "Seize the moment!" After all, a "day" is far too long compared to a "moment." That is why over the years I saw myself pursuing all sorts of things -- from travels to races to sport involvements. I filled my days with various activities. And always, I had tried to make myself available to every friend in need of my company for whatever reason. I tried to be present to every birthday party, Christening, wedding, all sorts of get-togethers I get invited to. Not just because I want to be there for my friends but because I value my relationships. Love pretty much figure in every relationship I get myself into. That is why I value them so much.
Now, everything is different. I don't even have time for a walk, much less do the nightly runs I used to engage in, in the past. Everything seems to revolve around this tiny, little being that is entrusted in my care. If in the past, all of my energy gets channelled to various other pursuits, now it's just one directional. Ultimately, everything leads to making sure that this tiny, little being's needs and good are achieved. And I'm thinking - this being focused on just one "thing" - is this tantamount to "getting out" of life or not seizing the moment? Does this mean I'm degenerating and not living my life to the full just as I should? I would like to ask, what does make life "fulfilling" then? Getting involved in sports? Going to all those places? Climbing a mountain one day and then bathing in the sea the next?
During lunchbreak today when I got home, I walked in to see my son lying on his back trying to amuse himself. He looked up when he saw me approach and then his whole face lit up. I felt my whole being expand, it was as if all the emotions I hold in my heart overflowed to fill the entire room. Now I'm remembering how I feel pretty much the same way when I see a beautiful sunset or have just finished a satisfying race. At that moment, I felt like I was on top of Apo again seeing how a beautiful sunrise could bathe everything in a soft, golden glow. I always feel love and God's presence during those moments. I would always feel that God indeed is good and that all is well. Seeing my son's beautiful face earlier made me feel that way too.
I am in no way discounting the fact that I could be as active again as I used to be. I still daydream about climbing mountains and participating in runs and going travelling... But for now, I had to settle down a bit so I could be there for my son. Experiencing motherhood, experiencing falling in love everyday and everytime I beheld my son's face, finding myself as I learn to live life while holding someone else's hand are things that are making my life complete at the moment. And no way are they less exciting than conquering a peak or winning a race. I love you B, you and our little one. Thank you for taking on this adventure with me.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Close To You
My head's actually throbbing right now but i'm feeling pretty content. I have just finished with that report I've been slaving over for the past three days. I actually had to wake up at 4 a.m. this morning just so I could get it over and done with. After accomplishing almost 1/3 of the report and feeling confident I could manage to finish the whole thing at the office, I saved the file in a diskette, took advantage of what's left of the dawn and dozed off a bit.
When I arrived at the office this morning, at exactly 5 minutes after I opened my computer, an officemate quite nicely managed to overwrite everything. As in everything. So I had to redo and rewrite everything, reducing my sacrifices this morning to nothing. I was half-tempted to go home and retrieve my file. I considered calling B at home and have him dictate to me the whole thing but that would be like waiting forever till he manage to retrieve it, if ever he would. He totally hates messing with my files. Thankfully, all of that is behind me now. Right now, I'm taking a bit of a breather from technical writing to do this instead...
Hmm... a lot had happened the past weeks but I had never really gotten around to writing about them as I was busy meeting deadlines. For starters, about two weeks ago, B and I finally managed to watch a movie together. That would be like after almost a year of not being able to. The last movie we watched had been, "A Very Long Engagement." It was an interesting movie and we sure had lots of fun watching it. I had no idea that it would also take a "loooong" time before we'd manage to watch one again.
B had been consistent about taking his Saturdays off. That would be his time for himself, to spend as he pleases - be it with friends or taking care of his business in Tagum. My "days off" are supposed to be the whole work week. He encourages me to linger out a bit after office hours so I could have some time for myself. But that would be like impossible since I had to consistently hurry home in order to nurse baby on time. Either that or I'm too beat at the end of work that I'd rather be home resting than elsewhere. So on that particular Tuesday night, I was deadset about watching a movie.
We are not exactly "single" sweethearts anymore so we could not flit and go as we pleased. I had to express some milk to make sure baby won't be left hungry should we not make it in time for his next feeding, etc., etc. We actually had to race for time. With that in mind, it was almost impossible to express enough milk for one feeding. I don't know what it is with ... err... "bossoms" hehehe They simply do not "yield" just when you're in a hurry to express some milk. But when you're in no hurry at all? You'd be surprised at how much you can come up with. Anyway, when I could not come up with a "substantial" amount of milk, B readily declared to cancel the date. That drew dagger-looks from me. I was about to launch into a lengthy dialogue about why it should be easy for him to take a day off and difficult for me (of course it's because I'm breastfeeding!) when he immediately appeased me and said that there will be no cancelling. Thankfully, the "bossoms" finally cooperated and off we went.
We watched, "Close To You," as baduy as that may sound hehehe The other choice would have been, "Brokeback Mountain" but in truth, it was just the break I'm looking for. I wanted something light that we both could relax in. It turned out to be a good choice since it was worth seeing him being giggly while watching some "kilig" scenes. It totally surprised and amused me. All the while I was thinking he would find the whole thing boring. We are after all way past the "courting" age to appreciate such a movie. We also appreciated the "travelling" part of the movie. It reminded us of the good old days. Our relationship, after all, had been built on all those travels we had had.
We made it in time for the "just-before-the-last-full-show" screening which is a good thing since it meant we'll be home early. When we entered the cinema, Bolo teased me. He told me that now that we're already married and are no longer sweethearts, we could sit far apart from each other. I took it to heart. So while we are seated side by side, I shrank to the farthest side of my seat to avoid leaning towards him. Thirty minutes into the picture, he surprised and made me laugh when he turned to me and said, "Hug-hug naman tayo B." That remark sure got the better of me. I almost laughed out loud from sheer mirth.
It's funny really if one considers it. When you're still sweethearts, it would seem that you could not get enough of each other even though you see each other everyday. It would seem that you're always running out of time. Often, this leads to the decision of marriage. You just want to spend most of your days with this significant other. And so you get married. Ironically, when you're finally married, some of that magic seem to die down. Funny.
I'm not saying that Bolo and I changed overnight. Oh we are still "sweet" to each other. We still enjoy intimate conversations with each other. And we still show our care for each other. It's just that the "urgency" we felt before is no longer there. In the past, everytime he would fetch me from the office to accompany me home, we would hate the thought of having to part again later. The thought of always having to part at the end of the day lends some "poignancy" to the relationship. The "could-not-get-enough-of-each-other" urgency is something that was always hanging over our heads. That is why it was understandable also how we would "delight" in the littlest of excuse to be physically in-touched with each other then, like holding hands and all that mushy stuff.
Marriage erases that particular element. Should we want to be physically in touched with each other, we would only have to turn and face the other, stretch out our hand and viola! It's that easy. Everywhere you turn, the other is sure to be there. Still, a part of me wants to argue. I am remembering those moments when B would turn to me in the morning, snuggle to me and say, "Ahh... this is what's good about being married..."
I'm suddenly realizing, I am already married! hehehe Like it has not quite sunk in yet, huh? :) It seems only yesterday when Bolo and I are still sweethearts and delighting in what we're feeling towards each other. Sweet and poignant, fiery and exciting. That was how our relationship as sweethearts had been. Most of the time it was fun and exciting as we share the same passion for travel and adventure. It was also both sweet and poignant because of the "uncertainty" that plagued the beginning of our relationship. For now, some of that has changed a bit. And I'm realisitic enough to know that it'll continue to change years down the line.
Hmm... I'm remembering a particular moment we shared the other night. He asked me to accompany him in washing the dishes. It was almost midnight and he feels insecure about lingering in the kitchen on his own. I was already sleepy so I asked him if it's alright if I lean on him from behind so I could sort of "doze off" while he's washing the dishes. I could have just sat there. But maybe I was making an excuse to be close to him as it had been quite a long day. Each of us were swallowed by our individual concerns that day that we rarely had time for the other. The leaning-hugging-bit was an excuse to "reconnect." I was glad when he obliged me. Half-way through I asked him if he does not think me a bother. He replied not. Then I pointed out this is not a bother yet since we're still "newly" married. I said that years down the line being "so close" would begin to become less exciting. He replied matter of factly that we would have to find ways to make it exciting. He said maybe there would be days when we would "disappear" from each other. I told him that won't be too difficult since both our jobs often take us travelling... Then we just left it at that. We just continued enjoying the moment, quietly "reconnecting," finding each other again after racing about our individual concerns that day.
Our day does not usually end that way -- by "reconnecting." There are also days when it would end with me giving him dagger-looks, as if to say we'll continue arguing in the morning as we are both sleepy already... Or him turning away from me indicating that he'd rather sleep than argue with me, hehehe. But often, Bolo and I still enjoy the same "closeness" that we had as sweethearts. And I'm both thankful and "mindful" of that everyday.
When I arrived at the office this morning, at exactly 5 minutes after I opened my computer, an officemate quite nicely managed to overwrite everything. As in everything. So I had to redo and rewrite everything, reducing my sacrifices this morning to nothing. I was half-tempted to go home and retrieve my file. I considered calling B at home and have him dictate to me the whole thing but that would be like waiting forever till he manage to retrieve it, if ever he would. He totally hates messing with my files. Thankfully, all of that is behind me now. Right now, I'm taking a bit of a breather from technical writing to do this instead...
Hmm... a lot had happened the past weeks but I had never really gotten around to writing about them as I was busy meeting deadlines. For starters, about two weeks ago, B and I finally managed to watch a movie together. That would be like after almost a year of not being able to. The last movie we watched had been, "A Very Long Engagement." It was an interesting movie and we sure had lots of fun watching it. I had no idea that it would also take a "loooong" time before we'd manage to watch one again.
B had been consistent about taking his Saturdays off. That would be his time for himself, to spend as he pleases - be it with friends or taking care of his business in Tagum. My "days off" are supposed to be the whole work week. He encourages me to linger out a bit after office hours so I could have some time for myself. But that would be like impossible since I had to consistently hurry home in order to nurse baby on time. Either that or I'm too beat at the end of work that I'd rather be home resting than elsewhere. So on that particular Tuesday night, I was deadset about watching a movie.
We are not exactly "single" sweethearts anymore so we could not flit and go as we pleased. I had to express some milk to make sure baby won't be left hungry should we not make it in time for his next feeding, etc., etc. We actually had to race for time. With that in mind, it was almost impossible to express enough milk for one feeding. I don't know what it is with ... err... "bossoms" hehehe They simply do not "yield" just when you're in a hurry to express some milk. But when you're in no hurry at all? You'd be surprised at how much you can come up with. Anyway, when I could not come up with a "substantial" amount of milk, B readily declared to cancel the date. That drew dagger-looks from me. I was about to launch into a lengthy dialogue about why it should be easy for him to take a day off and difficult for me (of course it's because I'm breastfeeding!) when he immediately appeased me and said that there will be no cancelling. Thankfully, the "bossoms" finally cooperated and off we went.
We watched, "Close To You," as baduy as that may sound hehehe The other choice would have been, "Brokeback Mountain" but in truth, it was just the break I'm looking for. I wanted something light that we both could relax in. It turned out to be a good choice since it was worth seeing him being giggly while watching some "kilig" scenes. It totally surprised and amused me. All the while I was thinking he would find the whole thing boring. We are after all way past the "courting" age to appreciate such a movie. We also appreciated the "travelling" part of the movie. It reminded us of the good old days. Our relationship, after all, had been built on all those travels we had had.
We made it in time for the "just-before-the-last-full-show" screening which is a good thing since it meant we'll be home early. When we entered the cinema, Bolo teased me. He told me that now that we're already married and are no longer sweethearts, we could sit far apart from each other. I took it to heart. So while we are seated side by side, I shrank to the farthest side of my seat to avoid leaning towards him. Thirty minutes into the picture, he surprised and made me laugh when he turned to me and said, "Hug-hug naman tayo B." That remark sure got the better of me. I almost laughed out loud from sheer mirth.
It's funny really if one considers it. When you're still sweethearts, it would seem that you could not get enough of each other even though you see each other everyday. It would seem that you're always running out of time. Often, this leads to the decision of marriage. You just want to spend most of your days with this significant other. And so you get married. Ironically, when you're finally married, some of that magic seem to die down. Funny.
I'm not saying that Bolo and I changed overnight. Oh we are still "sweet" to each other. We still enjoy intimate conversations with each other. And we still show our care for each other. It's just that the "urgency" we felt before is no longer there. In the past, everytime he would fetch me from the office to accompany me home, we would hate the thought of having to part again later. The thought of always having to part at the end of the day lends some "poignancy" to the relationship. The "could-not-get-enough-of-each-other" urgency is something that was always hanging over our heads. That is why it was understandable also how we would "delight" in the littlest of excuse to be physically in-touched with each other then, like holding hands and all that mushy stuff.
Marriage erases that particular element. Should we want to be physically in touched with each other, we would only have to turn and face the other, stretch out our hand and viola! It's that easy. Everywhere you turn, the other is sure to be there. Still, a part of me wants to argue. I am remembering those moments when B would turn to me in the morning, snuggle to me and say, "Ahh... this is what's good about being married..."
I'm suddenly realizing, I am already married! hehehe Like it has not quite sunk in yet, huh? :) It seems only yesterday when Bolo and I are still sweethearts and delighting in what we're feeling towards each other. Sweet and poignant, fiery and exciting. That was how our relationship as sweethearts had been. Most of the time it was fun and exciting as we share the same passion for travel and adventure. It was also both sweet and poignant because of the "uncertainty" that plagued the beginning of our relationship. For now, some of that has changed a bit. And I'm realisitic enough to know that it'll continue to change years down the line.
Hmm... I'm remembering a particular moment we shared the other night. He asked me to accompany him in washing the dishes. It was almost midnight and he feels insecure about lingering in the kitchen on his own. I was already sleepy so I asked him if it's alright if I lean on him from behind so I could sort of "doze off" while he's washing the dishes. I could have just sat there. But maybe I was making an excuse to be close to him as it had been quite a long day. Each of us were swallowed by our individual concerns that day that we rarely had time for the other. The leaning-hugging-bit was an excuse to "reconnect." I was glad when he obliged me. Half-way through I asked him if he does not think me a bother. He replied not. Then I pointed out this is not a bother yet since we're still "newly" married. I said that years down the line being "so close" would begin to become less exciting. He replied matter of factly that we would have to find ways to make it exciting. He said maybe there would be days when we would "disappear" from each other. I told him that won't be too difficult since both our jobs often take us travelling... Then we just left it at that. We just continued enjoying the moment, quietly "reconnecting," finding each other again after racing about our individual concerns that day.
Our day does not usually end that way -- by "reconnecting." There are also days when it would end with me giving him dagger-looks, as if to say we'll continue arguing in the morning as we are both sleepy already... Or him turning away from me indicating that he'd rather sleep than argue with me, hehehe. But often, Bolo and I still enjoy the same "closeness" that we had as sweethearts. And I'm both thankful and "mindful" of that everyday.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Travelling Mom Leaving Mt. Matutum
I'm feeling really lethargic at the moment. Real sleepy too. Gone on travel again yesterday for work. We left Davao at 11 in the morning and arrived here again last night at 11 in the evening. I was again in Tupi for the project I'm wrapping up there... And we finished quite late so add that to 4 hours travel back home, it's no wonder we got back to the city late as well. And I had to fetch baby and B from the in-laws. That's where they stayed while I was on travel.
We arrived home at around midnight then there's cleaning up the pump and the bottles to do. My...err...breasts... were so swollen on the ride back home that I was not able to sleep while we were travelling. I did manage to express some milk while on the road though (I'm getting good at it hehehe) But it wasn't enough to relieve me of the sworeness. Both weighed so heavily that at one point I had a hard time breathing... Haaay.
Breastfeeding. Well, it really takes commitment to continue breastfeeding after returning to work. But I'm truly deadset about it. I would find myself often rushing back home no matter where on earth I came from, just so I could continue breastfeeding baby. It's not always easy though. But, I want nothing but the best for my son. I guess that's how mothers really are. Been reading up on the subject ever since I conceived and every literature there is only tell me one thing -- there is nothing like Mom's milk. The benefits are enormous and the inconvenience one has to bear is nothing compared to it. So I'm sticking with it as long as I can :)
But back to work... Below is a picture I've taken during the travel I've mentioned above.
We arrived home at around midnight then there's cleaning up the pump and the bottles to do. My...err...breasts... were so swollen on the ride back home that I was not able to sleep while we were travelling. I did manage to express some milk while on the road though (I'm getting good at it hehehe) But it wasn't enough to relieve me of the sworeness. Both weighed so heavily that at one point I had a hard time breathing... Haaay.
Breastfeeding. Well, it really takes commitment to continue breastfeeding after returning to work. But I'm truly deadset about it. I would find myself often rushing back home no matter where on earth I came from, just so I could continue breastfeeding baby. It's not always easy though. But, I want nothing but the best for my son. I guess that's how mothers really are. Been reading up on the subject ever since I conceived and every literature there is only tell me one thing -- there is nothing like Mom's milk. The benefits are enormous and the inconvenience one has to bear is nothing compared to it. So I'm sticking with it as long as I can :)
But back to work... Below is a picture I've taken during the travel I've mentioned above.
Leaving Mt. Matutum. I was about to board our vehicle when this particular view caught my attention and took my breath away.
I'm currently wrapping up a project I have with the upland farmers in Mt. Matutum. Actually, it's already the second phase I'm wrapping up so for like two years, I have been frequenting the slopes of this great mountain. During the first year, there were times when I had to spend days and nights in her midst.
Even before my involvement with the project, I have already been to Matutum for the 7th Mindanao Forum, a mountaineering activity. The activity had us practically trampling all over the foot and midst of Mt. Matutum but did not have the chance to scale her peak. I had thought that with the project, I'd finally have my chance. But then again, while I was there, she was close for a while due to some "insurgency" concerns and then later on I had gotten married and then gotten pregnant. Now, the possibility seems a bit remote. Maybe when baby is a bit older already...
The project had been quite a headache to me for a number of reasons and now that it is about to end I'm like heaving a sigh of relief. What I'm feeling now I could compare to what I usually feel when I'm on a climb, particularly when I'm on the last stretch - that bit when the peak is already close at hand and yet seems so far away because you're down to your last ounce of energy. In truth, I could not wait to end the project. It had caused me several problems. But a part of me is sad about leaving the area and the people there. Well, at least "some" people he-he-he.
Just as I treat every experience, my involvement with the project had been a goldmine of learning for me. And yet I also know that I would always look at the experience as something that had not been entirely pleasant. But it did taught me a great deal about what we do in our work and how we "affect" the people who are supposed to be the "beneficiaries" (the politically correct term should be "partners) of our project. Hmm... make that how these people "affect" us who are implementing projects in their community.
Ahh... I could go on and on about this subject -- the relationship between project partners and implementers but as of the moment, I'm still feeling so raw about the whole thing that I want to rest my mind for a while before I write about it.
Life is beautiful. With it comes beautiful experiences. They might not be often pleasant but these experiences are beautiful just the same. If only for the beautiful people you came to meet in the process...
For now, I'm leaving Mt. Matutum but I'm pretty sure I'll find myself in her midst again one day. Perhaps with my little one in tow...
Monday, March 13, 2006
Fireworks
March 11, 2006
12:55 AM
Our Room
Bolo just drove away and I’m left with Baby here who also seems to miss his Tatay since he’s having a hard time settling down. B lingered quite a bit when he passed right in front of the terrace, rolled his window down and repeatedly waved goodbye at baby. Baby had woken up and so I carried him with me to wave his tatay off. I could sense B’s hesitation. He had already expressed his misgivings at having to leave again instead of just going to sleep with us. But he still has lots of things to do.
There’s an ongoing “Outdoor Week” in the city and tomorrow (make that today considering the time), being a weekend, is going to be its culmination. There are lots of activities going on. For starters, there’s going to be an early kayak race a few hours from now and I heard from Bolo that they had quite a show last night involving some stunts with the crocodiles. (The venue for the activity is centered at the city’s Crocodile Park.)
I feel quite rueful at having to miss all of it. B had been encouraging when I expressed the desire to tag along but I have reports to finish in time for an early travel on Monday. Plus, Ate, my dear cousin-cum-sister-I-never-had and the kids are arriving this afternoon after having been gone for two years. They’ll be staying for a little less than two months before going back to UK. As it is, there are still lots of cleaning up to do around the house as the bedrooms are not even made up yet. B however cheered me up a bit when he mentioned catching up on the outdoor week activities later tonight. He told me I could bring the kids along. That would really be something to look forward to.
After dinner earlier, I watched Pinoy Big Brother to while the time away while I waited for B to come home. One of the housemates – Bea – turned out to be celebrating her birthday today. And as a surprise, her boyfriend decided to set up some fireworks outside of the Big Brother House. The fireworks went with a little sign that says, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE.” The whole scene had melted my heart right through. I was like saying to myself, “Aw… so sweet… I wish something like that would be done for me too…” And then it dawned on me, those little gestures that Bolo does for me untiringly are his fireworks for me. Every time he brings me milk in the morning, sees to it I eat my breakfast and have enough “baon” for lunch... All of these things are Bolo’s way of setting up his fireworks for me… Thank you B.
12:55 AM
Our Room
Bolo just drove away and I’m left with Baby here who also seems to miss his Tatay since he’s having a hard time settling down. B lingered quite a bit when he passed right in front of the terrace, rolled his window down and repeatedly waved goodbye at baby. Baby had woken up and so I carried him with me to wave his tatay off. I could sense B’s hesitation. He had already expressed his misgivings at having to leave again instead of just going to sleep with us. But he still has lots of things to do.
There’s an ongoing “Outdoor Week” in the city and tomorrow (make that today considering the time), being a weekend, is going to be its culmination. There are lots of activities going on. For starters, there’s going to be an early kayak race a few hours from now and I heard from Bolo that they had quite a show last night involving some stunts with the crocodiles. (The venue for the activity is centered at the city’s Crocodile Park.)
I feel quite rueful at having to miss all of it. B had been encouraging when I expressed the desire to tag along but I have reports to finish in time for an early travel on Monday. Plus, Ate, my dear cousin-cum-sister-I-never-had and the kids are arriving this afternoon after having been gone for two years. They’ll be staying for a little less than two months before going back to UK. As it is, there are still lots of cleaning up to do around the house as the bedrooms are not even made up yet. B however cheered me up a bit when he mentioned catching up on the outdoor week activities later tonight. He told me I could bring the kids along. That would really be something to look forward to.
After dinner earlier, I watched Pinoy Big Brother to while the time away while I waited for B to come home. One of the housemates – Bea – turned out to be celebrating her birthday today. And as a surprise, her boyfriend decided to set up some fireworks outside of the Big Brother House. The fireworks went with a little sign that says, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE.” The whole scene had melted my heart right through. I was like saying to myself, “Aw… so sweet… I wish something like that would be done for me too…” And then it dawned on me, those little gestures that Bolo does for me untiringly are his fireworks for me. Every time he brings me milk in the morning, sees to it I eat my breakfast and have enough “baon” for lunch... All of these things are Bolo’s way of setting up his fireworks for me… Thank you B.
Monday, March 06, 2006
"Fotherhood"
I had to go home in a hurry this morning since B informed me that the milk I’ve left for baby seemed to be sour already. It was expressed last Friday while I was on travel. Since I was home from Saturday to Monday, I was able to nurse baby by myself so we just stored the expressed milk for today. Expressed milk is supposed to last up to 7 days when refrigerated. Obviously, something must have gone wrong – contaminated bottles (which was likely since I did express the milk while I was on travel and not at home where I get the bottle straight from the sterilizer), not storing it well (I had kept the milk in a cooler while I was on the road which could have not been enough considering it took me almost 4 hours to get home), etc.
Anyway, when I got home this morning, I immediately fed baby. My Mom who happens to be there reproached me for getting the baby hungry by my insistence to feed him purely on breast milk. The discussion leaned towards our having to resort to mix feeding. For a while, I relented. So B and I both figured out the directions indicated at the back of the milk’s tin can. We bought a can of formula a week before I was due to return to work, in-case we might have to resort to mix feeding. Thank God we haven’t resorted to that yet! Perhaps for now :( Heaven forbid!
Being pesco-vegetarian ourselves, we opted to have a soya-based formula for baby. This, with the assurance from our pediatrician that it could meet baby’s nutritional needs as cow’s milk formula can. It was a little tricky trying to figure out the directions at the back of the tin. Instead of the usual 1:1 ratio (read: 1 scoop of milk for every 1 oz. of water), it said something like 1 scoop for every 60 ml of water. We understood that fine. The confusion came when we checked the chart for how much to feed baby vis-à-vis his current month-age. The chart jumped from 2 months to 4 months. That left us somewhat clueless as to how much to feed a 3-month old baby. We figured maybe somewhere in-between. Since we’re talking about our baby’s well-being here, we felt quite uncomfortable having to leave everything to guess work. So we opted to ask some close friends whom we know are bottle-feeding their babies. Bolo called up Vince, a close friend of his who also just recently became a father. The whole time they were talking, I was laughing silently. I really found the whole thing amusing. Well, it’s funny, here are two men who are supposed to be “macho” (read: very much into sports and outdoor activities and well, a “little” into womanizing in their “younger” days) swapping information on the basics of bottle-feeding he-he-he cute! :)
The fact that Bolo is very much hands-on when it comes of taking care of our baby is something that I’m truly grateful about. I thank God everyday for that. The fact alone that he obviously dotes on our baby is enough to make me happy but to see that he really takes an active part in taking care of him tops it all for me. Thank you B, for being such a good “fother” to our son.
Anyway, when I got home this morning, I immediately fed baby. My Mom who happens to be there reproached me for getting the baby hungry by my insistence to feed him purely on breast milk. The discussion leaned towards our having to resort to mix feeding. For a while, I relented. So B and I both figured out the directions indicated at the back of the milk’s tin can. We bought a can of formula a week before I was due to return to work, in-case we might have to resort to mix feeding. Thank God we haven’t resorted to that yet! Perhaps for now :( Heaven forbid!
Being pesco-vegetarian ourselves, we opted to have a soya-based formula for baby. This, with the assurance from our pediatrician that it could meet baby’s nutritional needs as cow’s milk formula can. It was a little tricky trying to figure out the directions at the back of the tin. Instead of the usual 1:1 ratio (read: 1 scoop of milk for every 1 oz. of water), it said something like 1 scoop for every 60 ml of water. We understood that fine. The confusion came when we checked the chart for how much to feed baby vis-à-vis his current month-age. The chart jumped from 2 months to 4 months. That left us somewhat clueless as to how much to feed a 3-month old baby. We figured maybe somewhere in-between. Since we’re talking about our baby’s well-being here, we felt quite uncomfortable having to leave everything to guess work. So we opted to ask some close friends whom we know are bottle-feeding their babies. Bolo called up Vince, a close friend of his who also just recently became a father. The whole time they were talking, I was laughing silently. I really found the whole thing amusing. Well, it’s funny, here are two men who are supposed to be “macho” (read: very much into sports and outdoor activities and well, a “little” into womanizing in their “younger” days) swapping information on the basics of bottle-feeding he-he-he cute! :)
The fact that Bolo is very much hands-on when it comes of taking care of our baby is something that I’m truly grateful about. I thank God everyday for that. The fact alone that he obviously dotes on our baby is enough to make me happy but to see that he really takes an active part in taking care of him tops it all for me. Thank you B, for being such a good “fother” to our son.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
On...err... Working
Taking a break from work. I've been staring on a project document for the longest time not quite knowing what to do with it. I'm supposed to edit it, check if it fits the TOR given to us by our client. This is just one of the things that needed to be done before I leave for Tupi, South Cotabato this friday. It's my first travel venture for months as I have not been travelling ever since I got advice from my OB not to.
I'm supposed to leave today but our project resource person could not make it since he's still in Oroquieta in Misamis Occidental. That would be like 15 hours or so of travel-time from here by land. I should know since that the last travel I did before I got "grounded." I see the delay as a good thing since there are still a lot of things that needed to be done for our on-site project activity.
Working. I really have a hard time working again. I have difficulty in "getting my grove back." And it's not helping at all to have baby smiling at me and then giving me that hopeful look everytime I get ready to leave for work every morning. Most of the time he's into a playful mood and it's almost a physical ache having to turn my back on him.
But I had to work. That person who thinks that her work help defines who she is, is still lurking around here somewhere. The same person who could not quite sit still until her deadlines are met and the outputs are satisfactorily given. I know I wouldn't also be at peace sitting at home knowing there are still a lot of things that had to be settled at work. As it is, I have to wrap up this project that is so long overdue already. And with that, I'd better get back to work.
I'm supposed to leave today but our project resource person could not make it since he's still in Oroquieta in Misamis Occidental. That would be like 15 hours or so of travel-time from here by land. I should know since that the last travel I did before I got "grounded." I see the delay as a good thing since there are still a lot of things that needed to be done for our on-site project activity.
Working. I really have a hard time working again. I have difficulty in "getting my grove back." And it's not helping at all to have baby smiling at me and then giving me that hopeful look everytime I get ready to leave for work every morning. Most of the time he's into a playful mood and it's almost a physical ache having to turn my back on him.
But I had to work. That person who thinks that her work help defines who she is, is still lurking around here somewhere. The same person who could not quite sit still until her deadlines are met and the outputs are satisfactorily given. I know I wouldn't also be at peace sitting at home knowing there are still a lot of things that had to be settled at work. As it is, I have to wrap up this project that is so long overdue already. And with that, I'd better get back to work.
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