It's almost 2 am and here I am trying so hard to keep myself awake. I slept real late last night because I made a mistake of browsing on the first few pages of '100 Years of Solitude' that was a Christmas gift from a dear friend.
I knew I had an early call the next day -- this morning. And that I would be documenting an FGD nonetheless that would require my utmost attention. But nah, I thought the book wasn't that good and would be easy to put down. But there I was at 2 am, having to force myself to let go of the book and sleep.
Since it was the first time I will be working with the organizers of the activity, I was eager to make a good impression. That, and the fact that I promise myself to be as prompt as I could with everything else, finally noticing how procastinating for just one day would result in nothing but having my work load pile up -- something very hazardous to my health and my peace of mind :p
So there I was, in my panic, and probably still feeling very sleepy, I got confused with the time and ended up an hour early for the activity. Well, for me, that's indeed a record breaker hehehe
Anyway, it was an important activity that required me to have the outputs sent out also this evening. so while I was looking forward to going to bed real early, here I am, forced to work through half-open lids just to finish the outputs and try to make sense of them at the same time without dozing my head off.
To make things worse, just as when I was emailing the report, there goes the net, playing tricks on me. It took me ages till I was finally able to attach the report to the email. I had to repeatedly disconnect and reconnect to the net bah!
Anyway, time to sleep for me. The book still beckons, after all hehehe
Friday, January 30, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Kung Hei Fat Choy
I just came in from an evening out with the girlfriends (Jeni, Kendi and Rochelle). Got intrigued ever since I heard from the local news that the city is closing out the main street of China Town in celebration of the Chinese New Year. The news said that the main street would be transformed into a night market of sorts. Imagine that :) And so, we checked it out :)
It was fun. There were street wares everywhere from ukay2x to kwek2x stalls. Of course there were also stalls selling Tikoy and all sorts of lucky charms. Even the electronic stores were open.
At one point, we came across old classmates from college. It was fun seeing them as well. Ironically though, we capped the night by having some fries at McDonalds hehehe Some Chinese Newy Year we're having. Actually, in our search for food, we came across this tiny Chinese Restaurant. It was really, traditionally Chinese, the kind you would find in an out of the way street in Hong Kong.
Upon entering the restaurant, you could see pile upon pile of tikoy boxes or some other boxes with Chinese Characters on them. Just like any typical Chinese resto, the kitchen is open, with a large glass window at one side allowing street passers a peek at what is going on inside.
I readily noticed the stack of meat and some innards placed on steel colanders on top of the kitchen counter. I immediately wondered if there is something we could eat in the resto. Jeni and I are vegetarians after all.
I noticed that there are just two tables on the ground floor and one has some ingredients of sorts on it. The waiter pointed us to the second floor and told us there are more tables upstairs. The steps were narrow and Candy jokingly asked if it would be able to hold her weight. I took one step, noticed how it groaned under my weight, and wondered myself. It was made of steel though, so I was confident it would hold up.
On our way up, I felt queasy noticing that next to the stairs are some pipes protruding from the wall. They were large enough to tell me they are not water pipes. There were around 4 tables on the second floor. Two were held jointly and were occupied by a group of men. One table, by a Chinese family. It took a while before the lone waitress managed to come to us and get our orders. It was nice being able to finally sit though. It was only after we've seated that I noticed how tired I was. We had probably walked and stood for two hours on the street, checking out wares that held our fancy. Anyway, while the waitress pointed out they had some egg soup sans the meat, I voiced out my concern that I am not quite comfortable where we are. As soon as I said those words, Jeni and the rest stood up also. So that is how we've ended up with McDonalds hehehe
On my way home, I noticed our car parked at the Shop so I got down and had Tatay take me home. I was not comfortable at the thought of going home alone. Come to think of it, I haven't done that in what... two years?! Hmmm... Anyway, I have just finished reading my supposedly horoscope for the year of the Ox. It turned out it's not a lucky year for me or of any of those born under the year of the Rabbit. Well, I wouldn't dwell much on that. I'll really just try to be good this year, continue being optimistic and I know everything will be alright. My God, after all, is a lot bigger than all sorts of horroscope ;) Happy Chinese New Year, everyone! I'm wishing everyone a really, good, prosperous year of the Ox ;)
It was fun. There were street wares everywhere from ukay2x to kwek2x stalls. Of course there were also stalls selling Tikoy and all sorts of lucky charms. Even the electronic stores were open.
At one point, we came across old classmates from college. It was fun seeing them as well. Ironically though, we capped the night by having some fries at McDonalds hehehe Some Chinese Newy Year we're having. Actually, in our search for food, we came across this tiny Chinese Restaurant. It was really, traditionally Chinese, the kind you would find in an out of the way street in Hong Kong.
Upon entering the restaurant, you could see pile upon pile of tikoy boxes or some other boxes with Chinese Characters on them. Just like any typical Chinese resto, the kitchen is open, with a large glass window at one side allowing street passers a peek at what is going on inside.
I readily noticed the stack of meat and some innards placed on steel colanders on top of the kitchen counter. I immediately wondered if there is something we could eat in the resto. Jeni and I are vegetarians after all.
I noticed that there are just two tables on the ground floor and one has some ingredients of sorts on it. The waiter pointed us to the second floor and told us there are more tables upstairs. The steps were narrow and Candy jokingly asked if it would be able to hold her weight. I took one step, noticed how it groaned under my weight, and wondered myself. It was made of steel though, so I was confident it would hold up.
On our way up, I felt queasy noticing that next to the stairs are some pipes protruding from the wall. They were large enough to tell me they are not water pipes. There were around 4 tables on the second floor. Two were held jointly and were occupied by a group of men. One table, by a Chinese family. It took a while before the lone waitress managed to come to us and get our orders. It was nice being able to finally sit though. It was only after we've seated that I noticed how tired I was. We had probably walked and stood for two hours on the street, checking out wares that held our fancy. Anyway, while the waitress pointed out they had some egg soup sans the meat, I voiced out my concern that I am not quite comfortable where we are. As soon as I said those words, Jeni and the rest stood up also. So that is how we've ended up with McDonalds hehehe
On my way home, I noticed our car parked at the Shop so I got down and had Tatay take me home. I was not comfortable at the thought of going home alone. Come to think of it, I haven't done that in what... two years?! Hmmm... Anyway, I have just finished reading my supposedly horoscope for the year of the Ox. It turned out it's not a lucky year for me or of any of those born under the year of the Rabbit. Well, I wouldn't dwell much on that. I'll really just try to be good this year, continue being optimistic and I know everything will be alright. My God, after all, is a lot bigger than all sorts of horroscope ;) Happy Chinese New Year, everyone! I'm wishing everyone a really, good, prosperous year of the Ox ;)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
All About Marriage
Pre-script: This was an entry written last July but was not published until now owing to the fact that it was unfinished then and got stuck with the hard disk of my former laptop that conked out on me some time ago. The laptop was in the shop for several months with the assurance from the technician that it is going to be fixed. But after several months of waiting, I got it back, unrepaired haaay :) Good thing I was able to access the files from the hard disk so here goes...
Bee and I have recently celebrated our third year anniversary. That was part of the reason for the Roxas-Boracay Trip – to celebrate my birthday, treat Mama and the olds and well, to celebrate our third year anniversary. Soon after that however, I had the miscarriage. In fact, we learned about the miscarriage right on the day we are celebrating our anniversary. And then, amidst all of that we again had one of those trying episodes in our marriage. Anyway, to cut the long story short, let’s just say he and I are again in the process of working on our marriage. Once again, we are giving it another try and looking at ways on how to make it work this time.
First and the most simple of these things, we did away with his moniker – “Bolo.” Undeniably, the name has a very violent connotation. While it may be true that whenever we call him that, there never really was any conscious desire in our part to influence him to become violent, it is also undeniable that words have certain energies. And while these connotations and energies do not manifest themselves physically, they stick to the unconscious, embed themselves in our subconscious and influence us in ways we are not totally aware of.
It takes several practices though. Until now, I still make the mistake and call him “Bolo.” His friends call him that and while he had told a few not to call him by that name, the name had stuck somewhat. But I am not focusing on that. I am appreciating the fact that we are now making progress where that is concerned. There are now a few persons close to us that really make the effort to dispel with the moniker.
Second, I tried to really make the conscious effort to step out of the situation whenever I sense he and I are getting into one of our arguments again. If before my tendency is to fight back and argue back, now I learned not to play along with his drama. I finally recognized those episodes for what they are. They are not about me. They are about Bee and his ghosts coming to haunt him. It’s him as a little child retaliating at the helplessness he finds himself in. If before I see it as an attack against me and thus feel the need to argue back and to set things right, now I see the situation for what it really is. And so, I made the conscious effort to really remove myself “emotionally” from the situation and to try to view it as objectively as I could.
The “operating premise” is – “At this given situation, here is a person that I love, getting caught up in a situation that is beyond himself, trying to battle past insecurities and hurts that had come to haunt him while being confronted by a “so-now” issue that had nothing to do entirely with that past.” Isn’t that always the case? Often our reactions to situations are often “twinned” with echoes from past hurts?
In Bee’s case, his issues had always concerned the family because of the unique household set-up that he grew up with. And so our very situation – as a married couple and as a family – is really the perfect arena wherein his angst and issues are being tested and brought to the surface. No wonder we always fight. Because, being in a household set-up, Bee is being brought back to his own angst. The situations and the issues we face everyday as a married couple and as a family might be reminiscent of “scenes from the past” that had provided him with so much hurt.
Other than that, given his family background, Bee is in no way equipped to deal with familial concerns. Theirs were a “dysfunctional” family, their set up was loose. And here he is, confronted with a wife who came from an entirely opposite experience who have her own set of expectations as to how a family should be. No wonder how even very early on, our marriage is beset with too much conflict. Partly because, it also took me a long time to realize all these things.
Marriage really is that – a union of individuals with different background, different set of experiences, different agenda and different expectations as to how a family should be.
Marriage then is more than just a union of two individuals but a union of ideals, of expectations, of habits, of conditioning, of notions about certain things… And so the “adjustment period” that every one refers to as the7-year inch (I would like to know who coined the term) is really the fine tuning of all of these things. Imagine that!
Holding the above premise close to my heart at all times is a reminder that Bee and I decided to get married because we felt this undeniable bond and connection. There simply is the love. It is unmistakable and undeniable. And this is glaringly clear every time we try to explore the possibility of living apart from each other. It is the same connection that brings us back together every time we would decide to just end everything and walk away. And so if such is the case, then he and I decided to try our best to make this “being together” really work and be a pleasant experience for both of us. Because, it is simply unacceptable that we are together because one of us carries the burden of trying to make things work. Why should it be just the burden of only one? Because one is more intelligent than the other? One is more insightful and so would only have to understand the shortcomings of the other? Hell no! :)
As “sweethearts” Bee and I have always treated our relationship as that of a team. At that time we had always been teammates – team mates during kayaking contests, teammates in adventure races and teammates in trying to make our relationship work. We were a team when we were seeing to the nitty-gritty details of our wedding. We took Lamaze classes because we decided that bringing Baby into this world should be a team effort.
Somewhere along the way we lost that. We lost that sense of “teamness.” We got so caught up with trying to adjust to each other living together, and trying to make things work. We lost sight of the values that used to cement our bond with each other. We got so caught up in our conflicts, in our hurts, in our disappointments, that we lost sight of the things that we have found “attractive” in each other before.
And that is something we are trying to bring back together – to focus on what is good in each other and to highlight that instead. Bolo is such a beautiful person really. Amidst all his scars he is a beautiful person inside. And I see that every time he and I would talk about the things we should do for the sake of the marriage and for the sake of Baby. Bee is a paradox really – wanting/ desiring some sense of permanence (something he never had while growing up) while at the same time resisting it because he is so used to having such a loose set-up while growing up. He is pulled from two opposite directions – (1) torn between wanting to recreate our family into something he had always wanted for himself; and (2) the pulls of the notions, definitions of “family” he grew up with.
I was about to write that we are very much still at an uphill but I refuse to treat our situation as such. It’s quite a challenge alright. Right now, I’m thinking, some kind of drama I chose for myself in this lifetime but for all I knew, this must have just been another chapter to a journey that was started several lifetimes ago…
I’m thinking, marriage is giving me several materials to write about. Reading my past entries on it and on our relationship sometimes amazes me with the amount of insight I am getting and at the same time, managing to pen down. Well, being in this drama has another fringe benefit after all -- besides molding my character and moving me towards the unfolding of my own truth. It is giving my brain some muscle exercise and turning me into a better writer hehe.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Remembering...
I remember this particular incident during my latest trip to Iloilo
But having this healthy, light-hearted disposition in life is something that I hold close to my being, because, I feel closer to my God this way. Somehow having this demeanor only strengthens my faith and my belief that – (a) I have a relationship with my Father God; (b) that He is alive in me and working wonders in my life; (c) that He knows every minute detail of my soul, desires and wants; and (d) that by being so, every now and then he teases me with “magical,” amusing experiences, knowing full well I would see Him in them.
I am remembering all of these because I am currently plugged in to my head phones while working on a report. And a while back, a song that is a favorite from the past came full blast along with a memory of that
We had arrived very early in
Yeah, some kind of a travel companion I am, trying to squeeze in as many things as I could for every travel I took hehe Well, I just want to maximize time and resources -- seizing every moment. Besides, I also make sure that the quality of travel does not suffer thus the incredible amount of research I put into planning an entire travel IT hehe Sometimes I wonder if I should add this to my CV as one of my core competencies hehe Hmm.. maybe I should :)
Anyway, the very second my rear end connected to the seat of the bus, a very familiar music came blaring through the speakers of the bus – Christopher Cross’ “Swept Away.” I almost laughed out loud but stopped myself lest the others might begin to question my sanity hehe I was really so amused. I just shook my head and muttered, “God, really…” Well, it’s a theme song of sorts for a “used-to-be-significant-other’ hehehe That he is residing in Iloilo now and that I am at that very instant in Iloilo while listening to the very song was really too much of a coincidence.
I had closed that chapter of my life a long time ago and was not thinking of him at all while I was planning for the trip. Well, I must admit though that previous trips that work took me in
It’s really just amazing how God could intervene with every minute detail of your life. I treated that
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Scare
Got a real scare today. Earlier this afternoon we had to rush Mama to the hospital. She collapsed while we were at the Shrine of the Holy Infant of Prague. Cebu was celebrating their Sinulog earlier in the day. Since we could not be there, we made up for it by going to the Shrine instead.
On our way there, we decided to drop by Bacaca to see if Mama Fely would be willing to join us. She was. We had to wait for a while for her though. That was already way beyond one o'clock in the afternoon and we haven't had lunch yet. We had a very late breakfast though and was not feeling any hunger yet.
While at the Shrine, it took us a while to finish the novena, light our candles and say our prayers. We were on our way back to where Mama was seated when Ms. Amparing who took the ride with us rushed to us to inform us that something happened to Mama. And there she was, utterly lifeless, white as a sheet. Looking at her, I felt my heart jumped to my throat. I feared the worst -- stroke.
Noticing her limp form, her seemingly distorted jaw-line, the fear I felt got worst. A thousand other things are running on my mind -- possibilities of Mama having a bad case of stroke and had to endure being tied to the bed.
She had our utmost attention. There were fellow church-goers who offered help. Somebody offered liniment, and someone was able to provide us a glass of hot water. I was so scared but was relaxed at the same time. I whispered soothing words to Mama telling her to relax. I repeatedly told her this and reassured her that we are doing everything to help her. I urged Tatay to get the car so we could take Mama to the hospital. Tatay took a while in coming back. It must have only been two minutes but to me it seemed like an eternity. Bee carried Mama all the way to the car, past the steps and the iron-wrought gates of the Shrine. I ran ahead of him with the car keys, so I could open the doors and fix the seats so Mama could recline comfortably.
Mama Fely and Mrs. Amparing took a while in joining us, probably with the old age and all. Tatay and I had been doing a lot of runs at the gym lately and being a lot younger, we managed to get everything settled at such a short time. And then, just as we were about to go, lo and behold, Janin cried asking her Lola Fely where she left Bolets because he was not with her. Imagine that!
I had to rush back inside the Shrine to look for him. He could be everywhere. I was not able to find him so I doubled back and asked if they have found him already. They said no so I had to run back again and retraced the places we have been to earlier. The panic and the crowd had me very confused. It was hard to keep track of all the kids there. I craned my ear for any sign of crying or any hint of "Nanay!" But every crying I heard were from babies, none of them my son. I was on my way back when I found him with Mama Fely. He was crying. Mama Fely informed me she found him walking towards the chapel from across the large expanse of the ground.
I deduce he must have walked towards the gate where the car was originally parked and retraced his steps when he found out the car was no longer there. (We were parked near the rear gate, farthest from the Chapel. When Mama collapsed, Bee had to drive all the way up to the entrance gate that was closest to the chapel.) I was so concerned with the time we've lost, Mama had to be rushed to the hospital after all. So while I was very worried about Baby and what happened to him, I knew that processing that particular experience would have to come later. Mama had to come first.
Bee and I were having a discussion as to which hospital is closest when Mama managed to speak and repeatedly say that she wanted to go straight home as she is feeling better. She said she just had a case of hyper-acidity and is starting to feel better. We had to argue with her telling her we could not take the risk with her history of hypertension. Why, on any given day, having a BP of 200++ over a hundred is somewhat "normal" for her already.
I asked her if she feel some numbness or distortion in the mouth and she said she does feel a bit numb in her limbs. That decided it for me. Her protests notwithstanding, we went straight to the hospital. Once there, I readily noticed that she had regained her color. Her lips are already turning red compared to its being as white as a sheet back at the church.
I'm not sure if it was just luck or our prayers. Remembering how Mama was at the church made me feel certain she really had a stroke. And she could have. And yet here she is feeling somewhat better. A bit weak yes, but definitely with some color now.
I do not dare think of what could have been's. I'm really just grateful that she was spared that. I could not imagine what being tied to the bed would do to her. And I can't bear the thought of losing her. There are still so many things I wanted to do for her and I wanted for her to experience. She had been through a lot. She had suffered several loses already with Papa and Nino... Plus she always have this pessimistic attitude over her person that I'm not convinced she had really been "very happy" for an extended period of time. I can't have her go that way. I want her to experience what it is to be truly happy, not having any worries of sorts.
Thank you God for turning what could have been the scariest point in my life into a point of salvation and gratitude. I know You again have worked Your wonders. What we had earlier was really a miracle. And I could not thank You well enough. Thank you for your faithfulness...
On our way there, we decided to drop by Bacaca to see if Mama Fely would be willing to join us. She was. We had to wait for a while for her though. That was already way beyond one o'clock in the afternoon and we haven't had lunch yet. We had a very late breakfast though and was not feeling any hunger yet.
While at the Shrine, it took us a while to finish the novena, light our candles and say our prayers. We were on our way back to where Mama was seated when Ms. Amparing who took the ride with us rushed to us to inform us that something happened to Mama. And there she was, utterly lifeless, white as a sheet. Looking at her, I felt my heart jumped to my throat. I feared the worst -- stroke.
Noticing her limp form, her seemingly distorted jaw-line, the fear I felt got worst. A thousand other things are running on my mind -- possibilities of Mama having a bad case of stroke and had to endure being tied to the bed.
She had our utmost attention. There were fellow church-goers who offered help. Somebody offered liniment, and someone was able to provide us a glass of hot water. I was so scared but was relaxed at the same time. I whispered soothing words to Mama telling her to relax. I repeatedly told her this and reassured her that we are doing everything to help her. I urged Tatay to get the car so we could take Mama to the hospital. Tatay took a while in coming back. It must have only been two minutes but to me it seemed like an eternity. Bee carried Mama all the way to the car, past the steps and the iron-wrought gates of the Shrine. I ran ahead of him with the car keys, so I could open the doors and fix the seats so Mama could recline comfortably.
Mama Fely and Mrs. Amparing took a while in joining us, probably with the old age and all. Tatay and I had been doing a lot of runs at the gym lately and being a lot younger, we managed to get everything settled at such a short time. And then, just as we were about to go, lo and behold, Janin cried asking her Lola Fely where she left Bolets because he was not with her. Imagine that!
I had to rush back inside the Shrine to look for him. He could be everywhere. I was not able to find him so I doubled back and asked if they have found him already. They said no so I had to run back again and retraced the places we have been to earlier. The panic and the crowd had me very confused. It was hard to keep track of all the kids there. I craned my ear for any sign of crying or any hint of "Nanay!" But every crying I heard were from babies, none of them my son. I was on my way back when I found him with Mama Fely. He was crying. Mama Fely informed me she found him walking towards the chapel from across the large expanse of the ground.
I deduce he must have walked towards the gate where the car was originally parked and retraced his steps when he found out the car was no longer there. (We were parked near the rear gate, farthest from the Chapel. When Mama collapsed, Bee had to drive all the way up to the entrance gate that was closest to the chapel.) I was so concerned with the time we've lost, Mama had to be rushed to the hospital after all. So while I was very worried about Baby and what happened to him, I knew that processing that particular experience would have to come later. Mama had to come first.
Bee and I were having a discussion as to which hospital is closest when Mama managed to speak and repeatedly say that she wanted to go straight home as she is feeling better. She said she just had a case of hyper-acidity and is starting to feel better. We had to argue with her telling her we could not take the risk with her history of hypertension. Why, on any given day, having a BP of 200++ over a hundred is somewhat "normal" for her already.
I asked her if she feel some numbness or distortion in the mouth and she said she does feel a bit numb in her limbs. That decided it for me. Her protests notwithstanding, we went straight to the hospital. Once there, I readily noticed that she had regained her color. Her lips are already turning red compared to its being as white as a sheet back at the church.
I'm not sure if it was just luck or our prayers. Remembering how Mama was at the church made me feel certain she really had a stroke. And she could have. And yet here she is feeling somewhat better. A bit weak yes, but definitely with some color now.
I do not dare think of what could have been's. I'm really just grateful that she was spared that. I could not imagine what being tied to the bed would do to her. And I can't bear the thought of losing her. There are still so many things I wanted to do for her and I wanted for her to experience. She had been through a lot. She had suffered several loses already with Papa and Nino... Plus she always have this pessimistic attitude over her person that I'm not convinced she had really been "very happy" for an extended period of time. I can't have her go that way. I want her to experience what it is to be truly happy, not having any worries of sorts.
Thank you God for turning what could have been the scariest point in my life into a point of salvation and gratitude. I know You again have worked Your wonders. What we had earlier was really a miracle. And I could not thank You well enough. Thank you for your faithfulness...
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
A Different Breed
Last January 3 I attended the internment of Tita Owa, Jeni's second mother and a well-respected former director of NEDA XI. A week before that we were at her wake and were amazed at the outpouring of sympathies shown the family through the flowers sent and the countless number of visitors who came to pay their respect.
The tags from the flowers indicated that they came from "big" personalities, key players who play equally big roles where development of the region and of Mindanao is concerned. Noting this observation, I remarked to Jeni that Tita Owa and Ate Ditdit -- who went before her (and the others whom I was not fortunate enough to have worked with) -- were really of a different breed. Their working style was different. Their love and passion for Mindanao and their role in it very much apparent. I guess it is the same passion and love that fuels the "working style" being displayed.
Working style. I think about my own working style, my inconsistencies at times -- displaying sheer brilliance and commitment now and then falling short of that in the next instant as I try to juggle being a "passionate" development worker, a mother of a three-year-old son, a wife, being the only daughter.. a niece of an ailing aunt... I remember my moments of "ineptness" (which does not occur often, I hope) and my excuses for them and think about how Tita Owa, Ate Ditdit, and the others like them, managed to do all these things all at once and still remained on the top of their form. I feel a bit of a shame at the thought.
Only a while back I put down the phone feeling utterly disappointed and a bit disgusted at being confronted by "ineptitude" in one of its rawest forms. It's a long story and I don't want to divulge the details but it entailed some "dishonoring" of commitments. It cost me much -- my time, opportunities I turned down, and well, income I have been counting much on. But that wasn't as nearly painful as the knowing that things are not as what they used to be, when integrity and commitment were upheld with the highest regard.
I am not saying I am better than they are. I too am guilty of ineptitude every now and then. And I could only speak for myself -- that every time this occurs, I am ridden with guilt, try my damnedest to pick up where I left off, and remind myself I am not just selling pancakes on the street but is playing an important role -- no matter how minute -- in this field called "development work."
I long for the day when work was tough but was very much rewarding, knowing full well you are making a kind of "contribution to life" somewhat. Now, I'm surprised to be working with some people who claim to be working for Mindanao but shows no "soul" or the "heart" for it. Again, I am not saying I am far better than they are. I have my own struggle with myself, as imperfect as I am.
I guess I really just miss the likes of 'Te Ditdit and Tita Owa who were awe-inspiring, whose display of commitment is a constant reminder to people like me that we ought to work harder, better and with utmost integrity because this kind of work that we do deserve no less than that.
I am still very much in an uphill where emulating their example is concerned. But I am comforted with the thought that I do not have to fill in their shoes (which were both big and noble) but should only be concerned with filling in mine. Being the best that I could be -- in what I do, in playing the role entrusted in my care, in fulfilling His plans and purpose for me -- is my primary task. And it's such a tall order already as it is... I am grateful for my mentors though -- eternally will be -- for their examples, for showing me how things ought to be done... May their souls be at peace...
The tags from the flowers indicated that they came from "big" personalities, key players who play equally big roles where development of the region and of Mindanao is concerned. Noting this observation, I remarked to Jeni that Tita Owa and Ate Ditdit -- who went before her (and the others whom I was not fortunate enough to have worked with) -- were really of a different breed. Their working style was different. Their love and passion for Mindanao and their role in it very much apparent. I guess it is the same passion and love that fuels the "working style" being displayed.
Working style. I think about my own working style, my inconsistencies at times -- displaying sheer brilliance and commitment now and then falling short of that in the next instant as I try to juggle being a "passionate" development worker, a mother of a three-year-old son, a wife, being the only daughter.. a niece of an ailing aunt... I remember my moments of "ineptness" (which does not occur often, I hope) and my excuses for them and think about how Tita Owa, Ate Ditdit, and the others like them, managed to do all these things all at once and still remained on the top of their form. I feel a bit of a shame at the thought.
Only a while back I put down the phone feeling utterly disappointed and a bit disgusted at being confronted by "ineptitude" in one of its rawest forms. It's a long story and I don't want to divulge the details but it entailed some "dishonoring" of commitments. It cost me much -- my time, opportunities I turned down, and well, income I have been counting much on. But that wasn't as nearly painful as the knowing that things are not as what they used to be, when integrity and commitment were upheld with the highest regard.
I am not saying I am better than they are. I too am guilty of ineptitude every now and then. And I could only speak for myself -- that every time this occurs, I am ridden with guilt, try my damnedest to pick up where I left off, and remind myself I am not just selling pancakes on the street but is playing an important role -- no matter how minute -- in this field called "development work."
I long for the day when work was tough but was very much rewarding, knowing full well you are making a kind of "contribution to life" somewhat. Now, I'm surprised to be working with some people who claim to be working for Mindanao but shows no "soul" or the "heart" for it. Again, I am not saying I am far better than they are. I have my own struggle with myself, as imperfect as I am.
I guess I really just miss the likes of 'Te Ditdit and Tita Owa who were awe-inspiring, whose display of commitment is a constant reminder to people like me that we ought to work harder, better and with utmost integrity because this kind of work that we do deserve no less than that.
I am still very much in an uphill where emulating their example is concerned. But I am comforted with the thought that I do not have to fill in their shoes (which were both big and noble) but should only be concerned with filling in mine. Being the best that I could be -- in what I do, in playing the role entrusted in my care, in fulfilling His plans and purpose for me -- is my primary task. And it's such a tall order already as it is... I am grateful for my mentors though -- eternally will be -- for their examples, for showing me how things ought to be done... May their souls be at peace...
Sunday, January 04, 2009
First Thought
Yesterday, I attended a session in BK and I was a bit embarrassed to have drawn a blank when I was asked what my first thought was -- as the year 2008 came to a close and the new year came dawning in. Honestly, I could not remember what my first thought had been. I remember asking myself several times, "Is it midnight yet?" I had been very sleepy, having very little sleep the day before. Well, I was practically sleepless, tidying up the place and making sure everything is clean and in proper order. This, a legacy from the OC aspect of my personality.
Well, I've always been big on rituals and ushering in the New Year is practically driving my OC self to be more so than the usual hehe To my OC self, it's a no-no to greet the new year without making sure everything is neat and tidy. Everything has to be set, the table and the food particularly. The dinner set had to be special and everything should match. Well, that was before. This year, I was a little kinder to myself (and most probably to the people I live with hehehe). Mama took out a serving dish that did not quite match the rest of the china but I did not make a fuss out of it. I remember thinking it's not worth fighting over.
And that probably was what my first thought had been... What was yours?
Well, I've always been big on rituals and ushering in the New Year is practically driving my OC self to be more so than the usual hehe To my OC self, it's a no-no to greet the new year without making sure everything is neat and tidy. Everything has to be set, the table and the food particularly. The dinner set had to be special and everything should match. Well, that was before. This year, I was a little kinder to myself (and most probably to the people I live with hehehe). Mama took out a serving dish that did not quite match the rest of the china but I did not make a fuss out of it. I remember thinking it's not worth fighting over.
And that probably was what my first thought had been... What was yours?
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