On cravings, pregnancy and loving

Craving for a tall glass of ice cold cola drink. Hmm... does that make sense at all? It seems a little late into this pregnancy to have some cravings. But yes, surprisingly, I'm having a lot of those these days. I must be making up for not having gone through such a phase early on in my pregancy he-he-he.

Hmm... looking back, indeed, I did not pass through any "paglilihi" stage. My little one seems to be very considerate :) Either that or I'm being rewarded a good Karma for trying my best not to be of inconvenience to anyone... I did not go through any vommitting phase, of not being able to eat well, of thinking garlic and onion have "disagreeable" smell... Well, at least that's how my own mom and some friends related to me their own pregnancies... My mom even told me I was such a difficult baby to have. Told me she had not eaten any decent meal during her first trimester with me since she could not take the smell of any cooked food... I wasn't so unlucky.

I think, being vegetarian is the reason for it. Come to think of it, my little one is so lucky, he came when my body is at its tiptop shape. I've been vegetarian for almost three years when he was conceived. I was also always active, getting myself involved in various physical pursuits -- runs, race, kayaking,trekking, climbing, including exercising consistently... I guess I could say my body was quite prepared when I got pregnant.

More than three years ago, B and I made a commitment to keep each other healthy. While we did that without having a baby in mind, I'm glad that we made such a commitment then. Since I'm definitely reaping the benefits now... I hope my little one is too.

Fear. Uncertainty. I'm having a good share of them lately. I'm not sure if it is just hormones talking or what. But I sure have some worries about my upcoming "delivery." Not so much for me but for my little one. I want him so badly. And I want him alive, well, normal and healthy. I don't normally ask for anything specific everytime I pray -- trusting that God knows exactly what my needs are -- but these days, I've been praying really hard to have that and a safe and normal delivery. Both for my sake and baby's.

Actually, that is one of the reasons for my taking the lamaze class. The class represented something "solid" to grasp on to while I wallow in the uncertainty of having to deliver a life into this world. I know the class will help me put everything in perspective. Aside from the fact that I'm sure the class will also add some "more" value to the intimacy that B and I share. I know doing the class together will make us closer than we already are. It will also make "my" pregnancy something that he and I both share... Oh he is involved alright. I could not ask for a more attentive, concerned husband that B is to me. If, as a boyfriend he treated me like a princess, in my pregnancy, he treated me like a queen. I have no reason to complain really...

Someone said to me last week that love begets love. Indeed it does... Everytime B shows me how sincere he is in his concern for me and my well-being, I can't help but want to return the regard too. And vice-versa. It never ends really... Thank you so much B, for everything. For holding my hand as I learn, unlearn, and relearn everyday the real meaning of love and self-giving.

Lamaze Class

With our "instructor," Alex

Hmm... how time flies. Before we knew it, we are already down to our last session in class. For three weekends, we had gone to learning about the exercises, learning about pregnancy and delivery, and well, learning about mine and B's "fears" when it comes to "our" giving birth real soon.

Higlights: I was real surprised in encountering a former college classmate and a friend of a friend attending the class too as a couple. Suprised but definitely not displeased :) Jeanette Lee was a former classmate way back computer science days in Ateneo. Lemuel was a friend of another classmate of ours back then too. While Lemuel was frequently hanging out with our other classmates then (since they were classmates in high school), it still was surprising to see Jeanette and Lemuel together. I'm thinking, they hardly exchanged a word then and now they're married?! He-he-he But I sure was happy to see familiar faces attending the same class :)

Highlight No. 2 was when we had a tour of the delivery facility back at Brok. At one point, we took turn lying on the delivery table hehehe to get a feel of things. It was fun. We started by changing into hospital gowns and traded our shoes with slippers that the hospital provided. The hubby's had on a scrub suit. Since it wasn't the real thing yet, we just donned on the gowns and suits on top of what we're wearing. Next, they showed us the labor and lamaze rooms. There were already 8 persons there who were on labor. They appeared pretty relaxed to me and some were even eating. (?! or was mistaken?), So probably, they were still at their early phase of the labor. We then entered the delivery room. Luckily, it wasn't in use yet so we had it all to ourselves. That's when we took turns lying there with a bean bag on our back. Personally, I find the bean bag helpful. I think it will do a lot of good when the "pushing" time comes... Hmmm... I'm going on here as if what I'm talking about is just an ordinary thing and not something I would be experiencing with some pain.

Pain. There would be a lot of that alright. But our "teacher" was good in pointing out that the pain involved is really "protective" in nature and that it really is a part of the entire process of giving birth. That is why she encourages us to "ride" with the pain. Hm...embrace the pain. I'm wondering if I could do that given all the horror stories I've heard about giving birth. But for sure, I will definitely try my best to make it easy for my little one. I wouldn't want to put him in much undue stress just because I was too overwhelmed with the pain I'm feeling. But yeah, I'm also realistic enough to know that it's really too early for me to go on talking about what I "intend" to do when the time finally comes... After all, giving birth is a very personal experience. It is an experience that would be unique for every person... Ah... may all be well, for me and my little one. I pray that I would be brave as I normally am...

As for being brave, one of the highlights of the lamaze experience was in having to watch B agonize while watching the video showing we had on normal and ceasarian delivery. He really could not take the whole thing that he was constantly cowering behind my back and covering his eyes. I was comforting him all through out the film showing he-he-he poor B. At one point he looked at me imploringly and said he probably could not accompany me when my time would come. It was too much for him. That had me thinking. I always knew of his fear of hospitals and seeing blood, first hand. Yeah, one would look at B and wouldn't know that he had such fears. He always seemed carefree, adventurous and without a care in the world. But believe me, there are certain things that truly unnerve him.

I am torn between wanting to free him from the "obligation" of accompanying me althrough out the entire ordeal and wanting him to be by my side then. We had always been partners in everything. And labor is definitely a milestone for me. There are just too many at stake and too many uncertainties. If it's only my life that is at stake, I really do not mind facing it alone. But with our little one to consider, I definitely want to have a familiar face around by then. But most especially, I want to have B by my side, holding my hand. Even now, as we talk about it everyday, I know he's psyching himself up for it. I know like me, he is torn too -- torn between wanting to be there for me and wanting to give in to his fear. I know his is not a decision to make either but then again... Haaay. I know all will be well...

Ah, wait! I almost forgot to write about the highlights of all highlights of the class... It's B and I either lying side by side or head to head (depending on the size of the mat we would bring for the session hehehe) as we do the exercises together. It's him, holding me by the hand while helping me focus as I execute the breathing exercises. It's him and I smiling at each other's eyes and enjoying our moment together...