Untitled

I was on my way to the office when I noticed that the lady who is walking in front of me is holding a baby with a harelip. The bad thing about it is that it was apparent that the cleft has infection. It looked to me like it had been operated on but just got infected.

My heart readily went out to the baby and the lady. I hesitated about moving on to where my office is located. I wanted to stop and talk to the lady, to ask her how she’s feeling about her baby and how she’s holding up. I wanted to know how she is and to learn about her experience. And yet I knew she would have thought me weird if I did just that. She might think I’m crazy or something.

Looking back now, I’m thinking, perhaps not. She might thank me even for the concern I’m showing. She’ll probably even appreciate having another soul to unburden her woes and worries to. But I have no way of knowing that for certain now. Because I did not act on my impulse. I paid more attention to what other people might say, etc, etc. That and on the fact that I was already late for work. And while I was thinking that, I also thought that maybe the lady was also in a hurry for some appointment herself and might just think me a bother…

But really, all I wanted then was to reach out and to tell her that here is someone who somewhat understands what she might be going through… Someone who feels for her… I understand because I’m a mother too…

For several days now, I’m having a lot of insights while I am spending some time with Baby. At one time I noted how happy it makes me feel every time Baby smiles back at me or every time I notices how he delights in every little discovery he has or little thing that catches his fancy.

It dawned on me that perhaps God is like that also – happy upon seeing us happy and that there must be nothing more important to Him than to make us happy. It occurred to me that considering how God feels more than we do, the way I feel for my son must be nothing compared to how He feels for us. So He must truly be ecstatic every time He sees us being happy or even by simply being content with the blessings He is bestowing upon us. This thought sobered me up for a while. It made me resolve to strive to keep that joyful countenance and sense of well-being despite some difficulties I might be undergoing because it will be one way of making my God happy.

Yesterday, Baby was quite in a playful mood when I arrived home from the office. He’s so full of energy these days despite being sick and all. We were both in bed – me resting from having accomplished a lot at work and him playing like a whirlwind, being at one part of the bed to the next.

At one time, he wriggled from my grasp to get off the bed, feet first unto the floor. That wasn’t the first time he did that so I wasn’t surprised anymore. Though, I still feel that brush of pride in noting how intelligent he seemed since he certainly maneuvered his way off the bed very carefully making sure that he goes down feet first and was so careful until his two feet are firmly planted onto the floor. He was on his own the whole time. I was just right where he is, quite ready to catch him should he fall, but quite beyond his reach also.

I tested Baby's sense of confidence. I repeatedly pointed out to him that his Nanay is not holding him at all and that he is on his own. He showed hesitation several times but mirth is more pronounced on his face than any hint of fear. Did I say fear? There was none at all hehehe

I watched in consternation as Baby gleefully held on to the bed sheet (luckily we had on at this time the slip-on type or he would have had the bed unclothed and fell on the floor) as he made his way through the whole full length of the bed. That’s what he did, slowly, he took tentative steps one over the other as he held on so firmly on the bed sheet. There were several times when he would hold out his other hand to me, as if urging me to hold him, assist him. I watched amused every time he would attempt to sit with one hand still holding on to the bed sheet. Obviously, he is fearful about falling but was getting tired already.

What’s really nice about the whole thing was that he was smiling the whole time. Every step he takes successfully, his face would light up as if he was pleased with himself. It seemed to me that he is very delighted with every learning he’s getting. He was definitely learning how to walk on his own. He continued with his antics until he reached his set of drawers that’s just beside the bed that house his shorts and nappies. That was when he showed double the mirth when he started pulling at the drawers. Ah, it was a heavenly moment. Looking back, I certainly feel privileged to have witnessed all that. Truly, parenthood has more of its share of rewards than “sacrifices.” If one would think about it.

When I finally laid him down to bed (against his will since he was still attempting to jump of the bed, this time head first huh!), I thought about how God must delight in us also every time we get to learn the set of lessons He intended for us to learn – this time, much more profound than just learning how to walk. These are lessons that are intended at teaching us to fly – be the best that we can be. These are the lessons that would help us achieve our full potential. I asked Him under my breath then what lesson is it I’m not getting until now? And whether does He still have the patience to wait for me and stand by me ready to catch me when I fall. I’m sure He does because unlike us mere mortals, His patience and love for us know no bounds.

Ah, at least this is one lesson I’ve learned a long time ago. It’s hard not to learn this early on. Specially when I see and feel His love sustaining me everyday even if there are times I do not acknowledge this at all. Thank you Father God, for everything. And now, for the gift of my son and the million delights being a wife and parenthood had bestowed upon me. I’ve already told You this before but I’ll never tire telling You again and again – you have painted such a wonderful tapestry for me – my life – all its hues whether dark or light are designed so perfectly that not only once have I felt so blessed to be alive. And, so loved by You.

Trade-In's

I still feel my calves protesting even when I traded in my pumps for flat sandals when I got home during lunchbreak. For a month now I’ve been having an affair with my newly acquired, strappy, two-and-a-half-inch high heels. Yeah I know. It hardly qualifies for a stiletto. But for someone who rarely wears any high-heeled shoes, continuing the affair for a month straight, is quite a feat already.

I’ve always cherished my legs and my calves. Nope, I don’t spend the whole day on a foot spa or rubbing on lotion or anything. In fact, if truth be told, I rarely put on lotion hehehe I guess eating vegetables has its advantages. Anyway, what I meant with cherishing is that I take real good care of my legs. I try not to put too much strain on them by shunning away from “very high” high-heels or wearing uncomfortable shoes. I had to! Mountaineering is my passion. Not to mention the fact that my life basically revolves around fun runs and races... If I don’t take care of my limbs, then it would be like robbing myself off these pleasures. No way!

Hmm…I don’t know what brought the “affair” on. Maybe I was on one of my whimsical moods. But for now, definitely, I’m calling the affair off indefinitely. I still value my limbs and I don’t see the point of subjecting myself to the aches I’m feeling at the moment. Sure, I still fancy looking real nice if I’m in an office get-up but I think I’ll achieve the same look if I wear one-and-a-half-inch shoes instead of much higher ones.

On a different note, Bolo and I traded our usual jogging-marketing-day for a lazy walk by the beach last Sunday. We woke up quite late due to some marathon we had the night before. Though we still want to go ahead with the marketing, we changed our minds when Mama pointed out Baby could benefit from some early morning sea breeze. His cough and fever had been going on for about a week then despite prescribed medications. And so we put on our rubber shoes and off we went. We had fun especially when we saw Baby’s beaming face as he walked on the beach and saw the waves closing in on us. It was a pity we did not have any camera with us then :)

Last night, I traded in the chance to watch “The Devil Wears Prada,” with “You, Me and Dupree.” I’m glad that I did. Hmm… will write more about it later. My son had to take priority hehehe

Baby's First Ride

Vynette Found Her Frog Prince =)

Finally, Vynette "Baki" (our affectionate monicker for the five of us including Ging, Evie, Cecile and I) tied the knot last September 2, 2006 =)

It was a happy ocassion but sad to say I was but just around towards the latter part of it :( I was asked to report to work to help finish a project proposal that's already in the bag. And since we have a new director in the office and a kind one at that, I did not have the heart to refuse. I did come early though at the office in the hopes that I would finish early and still be able to attend the wedding. In the end, I had to beg off and went to attend the reception -- what's left of it :(

I was supposed to have shared a few words for Vynette and Dino during the reception and for a month I have thought about what I'm going to say. Several things came to mind but in the end I settled with what my heart wanted to say. I wanted to tell her that I am happy for her. That having growing up with her (despited the distance later on) I have witnessed how she searched for that "perfect" relationship. Perfect in the sense that it'll be one where she will be afforded the same love and respect she will be giving. There had been close calls but it was never really "it." And now she has Dino by her side. I think whatever they have right now is worth all the wait. I think she had just found her Frog Prince, someone who could give her the love that she truly deserves. I'm so happy for you Baki. And I'm truly wishing for your happiness. May the family that you and Dino will be building may constitute everything that you wish and hope for to make up for all that u "missed" while growing up :) I'm praying for nothing less for you and for all of God's Blessings. Be happy and I love you:)

Ah... the bride and and pretty ones hehe and Evelyn's cute little Sean.

Marketing Day

I stood in the middle of the market and drank in the smells, the sights and the energy of the place. I could feel the whole place throbbing with a life of its own. Most of them there were individuals trying to make a living – some in a traditional, honest way, and for some, maybe in not so honest way (Bolo and I got ripped off last week. We paid for a kilo’s worth of fish only to find out we were given less than what we paid for.). For a moment I wondered what kind of lives do the people there have and live. What were the issues that they have to contend with everyday? What were their dramas? What were their stories? If I were to sit with them and exchange experiences, what would they tell me?

Bolo and I must have stood up somewhat in the crowd of people there because not only once have I felt and seen the stares being thrown our way. Maybe as I wondered about their lives, they were also probably wondering about our own. We probably looked fresh to them, naïve. Sure enough, Bolo and I often have to ask what kind of fish they are selling and how best to cook them. I knew we reeked of youth - being a young couple that we are. I wondered if we reminded them of how their marriages used to be – fresh and new; exciting and so full of expectations. Most of the people there looked resigned, the lines of acquiescence etched all over their faces. It’s as if they felt they have already seen all there is in life and is just living day by day as it comes to them. There was no element of fire in their eyes, no excitement and openness as to what else life may have for them around the corner… As I wished on them the fire that still lit my spirit, I wondered if some of them we’re also thinking that Bolo and I were fools who believe life is one exciting ride and is in for a big surprise.

Ah but these are grim thoughts. While the above observations may be true for some, there were also those who eagerly served us. Every time Bolo and I would ask if what we’re buying would be fine for a few months old baby, or for a lactating Mom, we would receive tips and suggestions and advice of all sorts. And all of them were being given sincerely, and whole-heartedly. As we made our way from the maze of stalls I felt myself energized somewhat, pensive and amazed at the amount of reflection I’m having from just being in the midst of all of that.

When Bolo and I found ourselves in the middle of the meat section, I grew dizzy and nauseated from the smells and the energy of the place. I may have only imagined it but the whole section reeked of decay to me. I knew the same could be said of the fish section but it was different there somewhat. Maybe because fish, even tuna, looked minute compared to the carcasses being butchered left and right at the meat section. Bolo pointed out to me at one time how “threatening” it is to be loitering around there seeing vendors yielding big carving knives and hooks.

Sundays have become a marketing day for Bolo and I. For two Sundays now, we have awoken up early to jog our way to the market and buy food stuff for the house. We lingered the most at the vegetable and fruit section. Ah and at the ukay-ukay too but rarely do we find anything worth buying there. Last Sunday, we had to walk back home since Bolo spent our last penny on some crabs after he found out I’ve been wanting some.

All in all it was a novel experience for me, something I could do again and again without tiring because I know it’s going to be a different experience every time. Life, in fact is like that. In truth, no every day is really the same. There may be times when life may prove to be one routine on top of the other – doing the same things all over again, everyday. But if one would really stop and reflect on it, life is one “heaven” of a ride. There are magical-moments, aha-moments, lurking in some corner or the other if only one knows where to look. No, it’s not even that. It’s the attitude really. If one expects life to be exciting and full of promise then that is the kind of life that he’ll find. If one looks at it differently, and see only the drudgery of it, then that's what he had to live with.

“To flit and fly and explore life’s many possibilities.” I remember writing that part in the personal credo I wrote perhaps four years ago. I still adhere to that until now even when life have already dished me quite a few unpleasant experiences. My life is not without its piece of bitter pill that I have to swallow on some days. Bolo and I, in fact are trying to work out some knot in our relationship at the moment – a very stubborn one at that. We have history and years of conditioning as an enemy. But we face it everyday. Work at it everyday. Everyday I’m learning more about what commitment really means. And there are times I don’t want to learn about its meaning at all hehehe But I stick around, albeit as an unwilling student at times because I know, it the end,the lesson I'll be learning would weigh much, much more than the drudgery I'm feeling.

Permanence

Ah my heart is currently breaking into pieces. I just got off the phone. Talked to Mama who happens to be at home visiting baby before she goes to work. I asked her if she found baby crying when she arrived because it is the first time that I left him alone with the new yaya. She told me he was not crying but that he looked really, really sad and would not even go near her.

The picture broke my heart. I could see it in my mind so clearly because while I was dressing up and putting on shoes I already saw Baby looking at me so longingly. He wasn’t crying at all, begging to be picked up like he used to do the past few days that the new yaya is around

Argjh, it’s really a physical pain, I want to reach out so much to Baby, comfort him, assure him that his Nanay would always be there for him, that I would not forsake him…

I find it ironic that Baby had to learn the lesson of “impermanence” from strangers. Bolo and I have always been adamant about handling with care baby’s emotional needs. When he was merely an infant, we would drop everything that we’re doing to readily pick him up when he’s crying just so he would feel secure. We spent a good deal of money when I’m on a travel so that he could tag along and not be separated from me. And then now, just when he had attached himself to his first yaya, she left him. Came two new ones (since they’re supposed to be packaged deal, it’s a long story) whom he did not take to at all. He would cry until I, his tatay or lola would get him. So even with the yaya’s around, Bolo and I, including Mama, still took turn being absent from work so that he could have some semblance of security until he gets used to his yaya. And now, they would leave again on Sunday for a job in a Carenderia which they prefer over working at home. Maybe they really don’t have that aptitude for babies and maybe that is also why Baby does not like them at all because he sensed that. Ah, my poor Baby.

I really hate the fact that it had to take strangers to do this to him. I’m contemplating about resigning from work to be with Baby. I just hope I have enough “sidelines” like documentation work to help tide over the expenses we have at home. I can’t have Bolo working on his own. And I don’t think we could really afford it either if it would only be him. Arrggh…I’m going home in a little while.