Lenten Reflections

I stood in Church, holding Baby in my arms as I listened to the priest’s sermon. I was called to attention when he invited everyone to be sensitive… to what we hear, see, and feel during the Mass. The priest had said that it is only in being sensitive to everything around would we know what God is trying to tell us in the whole celebration of the Holy Mass.

The gospel was about Jesus’ death and crucifixion and he reminded us that through the Mass we have started a week long celebration of God’s resurrection. There were three readers who read the gospel. One was the narrator of the story line, a deacon reads out Jesus’ lines while another reads out the parts of Pilate and that of the crowd of Jews who had clamored for Jesus’ crucifixion.

When the priest made a reference to Pilates role in that particular part of Jesus’ life I realized that every time we will not own to our own mistakes, or refuse to do something good for our own self-preservation, or turn a blind eye on the truth just because we lack the courage to uphold it, we are being Pilate who helped put Jesus on the cross.

Along with that I also realized that when we are envious of others, bitter about other people’s success and shot at glory just because our lives have remained miserable compare to theirs, we are like the Sadducees and the Chief Priest who have contrived and brought on Jesus’ fate simply because they are envious of Him.

I stood there, realizing that every time we “celebrate” Lent, the focus is always on two things. First, on Jesus’ ultimate, loving sacrifice of suffering through humiliation and dying on the cross for our salvation. Second, on His resurrection that is a reminder to all of us that there is life after death and that because of His sacrifice we too have a shot at eternity.

And yet, as I reflected about Pilate’s and the Sadducees actions, those who gave Jesus bitter wine to drink instead of water, those who raffled off His clothes rendering Him naked, of all those who were responsible and had participated in Jesus’ suffering then, I realized that we too ought to focus on them as well. We ought to examine closely their motives, their actions, how they were because it was them who had put Jesus on the cross.

By reflecting on their motives and actions we will be made aware about that part of human nature that is responsible for Christ’s suffering. It was envy, sloth, apathy, high regard for self-preservation among others that had brought on Christ’s suffering. So that every time we’d feel envious of others, have that malicious dislike of others for one reason or another, we could remind ourselves that these very feelings were what nailed Jesus’ on the cross.

Truly Jesus is great because by living amongst us He had showed us all aspects of human nature, how human nature can be so self-giving yet at the same time be so selfish; be so full of love and could also be so full of hatred and malice… By walking amongst us He had showed us what it means to be truly human through and through…

Prayer Hike

The night before the prayer hike, I had a hard time falling asleep. I’m not sure if it was the coffee I made the mistake of drinking that afternoon (of which I’m not really used to drinking) or something else. I tossed and turn but to avail, sleep really proved elusive. I thought about what I would do just to while the time away. I decided to prepare for the prayer hike and pray. I opened the Bible and the search led me to the Book of Isaiah. As I let the words settle into my being, it dawned on me that this is probably what God wants C4C Davao to be – to go beyond the mere externals of the exercise of faith and to dwell more on what really matters – what is in our hearts.

As I continued to read, soft promptings also fill my head. It dawned on me that it is indeed so true, in our desire to really be of service to others, we devote so much time on the logistics that goes into it – the resources needed, where these resources should be sourced, what the “action plan” should be, who would be responsible for what… And yet, in the Book of Isiah God said, “What do I care for your endless sacrifices?...When you come before me and trample on my courts, who asked you to visit me?... When you stretch out your hands I will close my eyes; the more you pray, the more I refuse to listen, for your hands are bloody. Wash yourselves clean. Remove from my sight the evil of your deeds. Put an end to your wickedness…”

Reading the verse made me realize that God does not care so much on the externals or one’s going through the motion of serving others or of doing good. I think what the verse is telling me is that God is more concerned about knowing where He stands in my life; whether I am continuously and consciously working towards the cleansing of my heart and making sure that my actions are borne out of the purest of intentions.

The verse is clear about God not caring about our sacrifices, all forms of offerings if on the one hand, we continue to live a life that is unpleasing in His eyes. The word that keeps cropping to my head while I reflected on what I had just read is “introspection.” And it is telling me that this would have a lot to do with what we will be hoping to do for C4C Davao.

There would be climbing missions, that is for sure since that is what the organization is about. But along with that, there would be “basecamp sessions” as well, wherein we would try to examine where we are as an individual – where our relationship with our God is concerned; to constantly check our bearings – whether or not our “faith compass” is still pointing at the right direction. And to be really clear about our intentions for doing any activity we might decide to pursue for the organization.

I am remembering one of the things that Ace had shared with me in one of his emails – how we should always start with God, turn our eyes on Him first, since we could not give what we do not have. How then can we share Him to the other people up there if we don’t have Him in our lives to begin with?

Thinking along this line, I am brought to the fact that I still have a long, long way to go where that is concerned. “Cleansing” is a never-ending process especially in my case, who is still very much a work in progress. But who isn’t? I should not let this “minute” detail then get in the way of what we would be trying to do for C4C Davao.

The prayer hike went ahead as planned. What was not planned though was that there would only be Tatay, Rufino and I. But as Ace had said, we could not wait for having the right number of persons, the right time, the right situation before doing something. Otherwise, we would not be able to accomplish anything.

I was feeling a bit low as we started with the hike up the Shrine Hill at a little before 5 AM. Tatay had to go ahead to park the car at the Shrine of the Child Jesus where we will be ending the hike. Rufino and I were already half-way up when we met him going down on foot. He walked the rest of the way with us.

I can’t help but feel a wanting to have with us a few more people. There is certainly strength in numbers. But again, Ace is right. Jesus had said that if there will only be two people who would agree to ask about something, the Father in Heaven would hear them and grant that prayer.

I had prepared a long list of things to pray for. The main purpose of the hike was really trying to discern His plans for C4C Davao. I felt that God had partly answered that already the night before when he planted that restlessness in me and brought me to the first chapter of the book of Isaiah.

The chapter had ended with, “18 ‘Come,’ says the Lord, ‘let us reason together. Though your sins be like scarlet, they will be white as snow; though they be as crimson red, they will be white as wool…”

The words, “reason” and “ together” really struck me then and the image that came to mind is having that constant dialogue with God; to have that intimate connection with Him. I felt as if through C4C, God is extending an invitation… For us to have that constant “conversation” with Him, to “reason” with Him, to argue with Him, to deepen our relationship with Him.

I had always tried to seek God in everything that I do, in every experience I may have. (Although certainly, there are also days when I don’t really bother to try that hard.) I know C4C would give me the same opportunity to get to know Him more fully… I know it will be another avenue for the unfolding of my own truth as an individual…

With C4C Davao I know God is starting something different in my life, another chapter altogether… I couldn’t wait to begin yet another adventure with Him…

“Office ni Nanay” (Mother’s Office)

This morning, even though it was a weekend, I had a workshop to document. I was tired, coming from another grueling workshop for the past three days. I would have just wanted to linger in bed. But work is work and in truth, I’m actually excited to be a part of that particular project. It concerns the family and business – the former, being my foremost passion for the moment and the latter, something I’ve been contemplating about getting into more seriously, one of these days. When I have the time that is hehe It’s going to be an engagement, spread out for the next two months. It’s going to take away my weekends for that long but I am certainly looking forward to learning as much as I can from it.

So anyway while I was getting ready, Baby woke up and immediately looked for his Tatay. I told him Tatay is getting the car ready since he’s taking me to work. He immediately got teary-eyed and told me it’s okay for him if I work but that Tatay should stay at home with him. I told him Tatay would have to take me to work but would be right back. That was not good enough for him though. In the end, we had to take him along with us. There is nothing new about that. Being without a nanny for a long time now, we had to constantly tag him along wherever we go. If I had to go to the gym, Tatay had to go some other time since he had to watch over Baby and vice-versa.

So anyway, it did not dawn on me that Baby has been taking note of the places we’re going to and have certain associations for them. Until this morning. The workshop was at a downtown hotel which is a common venue for training and workshops. And it wasn’t the first time they’ve taken or fetched me from there. Just as we were about to turn the corner where the hotel was, Baby suddenly exclaimed, “Oh! There! Office ni Nanay! Yehey! Ayan na office ni Nanay.” (Oh! There it is, Mother’s office!) I was so surprised but at the same time, was also greatly amused. Office indeed! Hehe!

So true, even when I was still working full time or now that I’m doing free-lance work, my world revolves mostly in hotels and training venues. And Baby had grown up spending time in hotels as well especially when the training would be “live-in” and would run for several days. When he was a mere six-month old baby, I had dragged him all the way to Legazpi because I had to be there for five days and I was breastfeeding him. A few months after that, I had to drag him again to Cebu and then Baguio.

It’s just funny how Baby readily associates the hotels as my office. He’d been to my previous office several times and yes, he would readily exclaim as we would drive towards it that there is Nanay’s office. It’s really funny how he thought of the hotels as my office as well just because I’d tell him I’m off to work every time they take me there.

The whole experience drove home the point to me that Baby is really at the stage now that he is taking everything in and associating situations and events with different things. He is really at such a vulnerable age wherein he is starting to define things based on his own experiences from it. Like love. Everything that he is experiencing with us as parents would be something he’d associate with love and how relationships should be. And that whole thing has a lot of bearing on his self-confidence, how he regards himself, and us as his parents. Imagine that. The realization is humbling and puts a lot of pressure on me. I am not perfect and I am afraid I have committed things and may still do things that could harm Baby for the rest of his life.

In one of the sessions this morning, the resource person gave emphasis on the point that a family is a very powerful force that can help build the individual and at the same time, could also be responsible for hampering his/her growth. And I think that “powerful force” is something that is completely in the parents’ hands. Well, at least when the children are still small. How that power is yielded depends solely on them and how they in turn were brought up as kids.

I look at Tatay and his dysfunctional family and I am very much worried indeed. And of course, there is also my own imperfection. But no, I refuse to dwell much on that. That is out of my hands already. It’s been done and there is nothing I can do about it now. However, Baby’s present and future is something that is now my sole responsibility. Definitely, there is something I can do about THAT. And of course there is God, who is the source of all my strength. I may be weak by I am comforted with the thought that He too has a plan where the life of son is concerned. I am not alone in this.

These days, realizing my role as a parent, I find plenty of reasons to be on my knees just to implore Him to make things right for my son and to protect Baby from my own mistakes and distorted take on some things. He had never failed me where providing for our financial needs is concerned. I am counting on the belief that He also would not fail to guide Tatay and I to make the right decisions for our son and to bring him up in the way that he should go. For that particular prayer alone, I put my whole heart and being into it. It is that important to me.

There’s this particular song I particularly liked because it serves as a prayer to me where being a parent is concerned. I have already posted it here but I'll post it again here soon.

Repost...

I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress
still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore.
True, I may still be very much a work in progress
but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well.

My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him.
I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep
not out of shame but out of knowing
that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth
and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet
but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.

Reading past entries a while back when I came across the above entry. It was on my birthday blog last year and I am immediately humbled. Because, another birthday is just around the corner and yet here I am, still "working on" having a conscious effort at "working for" my own unfolding. And I'm quite ashamed at the thought that just last weekend, I stumbled big time where that is concerned... I'm reposting the above entry to remind myself... Because, I have certainly forgotten...

"Climbing" into Place

Last night I attended a meeting with "Climbing for Christ" (C4C) and I came home feeling as if everything is finally starting to fall into place. The desire to serve communities “up there” is a calling that I had felt even before I stepped out of college. It is the reason that got me into mountaineering. Five years into it and I am still wanting where the “serving” experience is concerned.

The act of finding myself was there – as I wrestled with my own limitations as I try to go beyond myself in order to conquer the mountains I’ve visited. I grew physically, overcoming my own weaknesses as every mountain experience taught me what my limitations are and how it is possible to go beyond them. Spiritually, I grew too. Communing with nature, conquering oneself and not just the mountain, drove home the point of how there is a Being far bigger than I am. The appreciation I have for the wonders of nature is nothing compared to the appreciation and awe I feel for the Creator of these wonders.

There was, however, very little opportunity for serving. Those trips I took were mostly for the adventure of it. In my travels though I’ve met some locals who, by their stories and by simply seeing how they live, touched me in so many ways. I would like to believe that I am also able to touch their lives somewhat by the stories that I also share with them.

Last night, when Ace showed us a video of one of their ministries, Tatay whispered, “Ito na yung inaantay mo ‘Nay.” (This is what you’ve been waiting for ‘Nay). It wasn’t a question. It was an acknowledgment. In that little phrase, Tatay said in words what I was also telling myself silently. What was shown in the video was the very experience I’ve been wanting and envisioning for myself (and very recently for my husband and son as well). It is an experience I very much want to be a part of and I felt a mixture of well-being and trepidation as it dawns to me that I am finally given a shot at it. Here is the opportunity that I’ve been waiting for. And God knows how long I’ve waited. The trepidation I felt was at the thought of the responsibility it also entails. Ah, I catch myself. Fear is borne out of my lack of self-confidence or more appropriately, by my own "self-centeredness." Once again, I am forgetting that this whole thing is not about me. It is never about me but God’s business. And looking at it that way, I know there is nothing to fear really…

Ace and Doc Cecil said something last night about how God sometimes uses our talents, our experiences for a greater purpose later on. I felt as if all those years of waiting, of being involved solely in mountaineering was to prepare me for this greater experience I am about to embark on.

For the longest time too I’ve been praying for Tatay to have that relationship with Him. Oh, he is a believer. He attends Sunday Masses with me and twice accompanied me to community worship. Sometimes even, he prayed the longest than I. But the relationship is not there. It’s as if he revels in the “communion” when he is there but forgets about it as soon as he had stepped out of the church. I longed for him to get to know Him in the way that I do, for Tatay to acknowledge Him in every aspect of his life. And then last night happened.

I am amused at how God saw to answering this particular prayer of mine. Or more aplty, as to how He would court Tatay into having a relationship with Him. I had prayed that He would find a way to Tatay’s heart, to instill in Tatay the desire to get to know Him more. And He had. What could be more fitting than revealing Himself to Tatay in the one thing he is so passionate about – climbing. Looking back, in Tatay’s own confused spiritual path – how he had gone from one religion to the next and then back again – I feel that, that too was just preparing him for this experience now.

This morning I woke up to Tatay snuggling close to me and telling me how he loves me very much. I know it was his way of thanking me for bringing him along last night and for the invitation I extended. Now I know why we had to stay together despite all that we’ve been through. Because He had a plan for this union. As Ace related to us his own teen-age marriage and how the first three years had been a struggle, I felt as if he had also been telling our story. He also related how everything had changed when they invited a third person into their marriage – Him. I had prayed for that to happen in our case but it had been difficult.

Now, I feel as if everything is falling into place and how all the things in the past were really just a preparation for all of this now… I pray that God will continue the work He had started in us last night.

Baby's Initiation to the Community

Just finished working on some PowerPoint presentations. It was the very first thing I did after waking up. It had to be rushed after all, owing to a 10:00 AM meeting I had that wherein I will be needing them. I wanted to do them last night but Baby had needed my attention and slept real late. By the time I managed to have him sleep, I was too sleepy to do the work and so I decided to just sleep and wake up early. And I did.

I was half-way through the task when I felt the need to look for my collection of gospel music and to listen to them while working. While doing so, I immediately remembered what happened last night.

Tatay, Baby and I attended a Charismatic mass. We had intended to attend the Saturday anticipated Mass but Tatay had other plans. So, we decided to attend an early morning Mass instead. But then, we woke up late. Then, just when we were getting ready to attend the afternoon Mass, I got a text message from Jeni urging me to go to the gym.

While I was having some misgivings at the thought of keeping on delaying hearing Mass, I finally understood in the end why it had to be so. We were on our way to the gym when I noticed a sign announcing the conduct of a CLSS that particular weekend. It meant that its last day will be capped by a Charismatic Mass at 6:00 PM. I got excited at the prospect. Aside from the fact that I really want to be a part of it again, I am excited to introduce Baby to the community’s way of worship. I was so looking forward to seeing him sing and dance to the worship songs.

And God did not fail me. I felt my heart expand when I saw Baby raised his hand, danced and mimicked what the rest of us were doing at the end of the Mass. He danced and sang along with the rest of us. It was a glorious moment for me…

Remembering...

I remember this particular incident during my latest trip to Iloilo which I certainly found very funny and ironic. I have this tendency to treat life as one journey, littered now and then with funny and amusing incidents -- thrown to me by the fates or by my light-hearted, full of sense of humor, Father God. So what could be a sense of frustration by some people would be something really amusing for me. Oh I do have my moments, as well, where I get disappointed, frustrated and hurt. I am only human after all.

But having this healthy, light-hearted disposition in life is something that I hold close to my being, because, I feel closer to my God this way. Somehow having this demeanor only strengthens my faith and my belief that – (a) I have a relationship with my Father God; (b) that He is alive in me and working wonders in my life; (c) that He knows every minute detail of my soul, desires and wants; and (d) that by being so, every now and then he teases me with “magical,” amusing experiences, knowing full well I would see Him in them.

I am remembering all of these because I am currently plugged in to my head phones while working on a report. And a while back, a song that is a favorite from the past came full blast along with a memory of that Iloilo trip.

We had arrived very early in Iloilo City having caught the 6:30 am flight. We did not have breakfast yet but we headed straight to the bus terminal, hoping to catch the earliest bus leaving for Roxas City. I was intent about making a lead time. We still have a long trip ahead of us, after all. We intend to sleep at Boracay on that very same day.

Yeah, some kind of a travel companion I am, trying to squeeze in as many things as I could for every travel I took hehe Well, I just want to maximize time and resources -- seizing every moment. Besides, I also make sure that the quality of travel does not suffer thus the incredible amount of research I put into planning an entire travel IT hehe Sometimes I wonder if I should add this to my CV as one of my core competencies hehe Hmm.. maybe I should :)

Anyway, the very second my rear end connected to the seat of the bus, a very familiar music came blaring through the speakers of the bus – Christopher Cross’ “Swept Away.” I almost laughed out loud but stopped myself lest the others might begin to question my sanity hehe I was really so amused. I just shook my head and muttered, “God, really…” Well, it’s a theme song of sorts for a “used-to-be-significant-other’ hehehe That he is residing in Iloilo now and that I am at that very instant in Iloilo while listening to the very song was really too much of a coincidence.

I had closed that chapter of my life a long time ago and was not thinking of him at all while I was planning for the trip. Well, I must admit though that previous trips that work took me in Iloilo always had me edgy as I thought of the possibility of seeing him again. But that was a long, long time ago. And as I think about the whole thing now, I was really just infatuated with the idea of him and not of him as the real person. I hardly knew him after all. But the song was really a fitting theme song at that time. I still like the song when I hear it every now and then but the association with that particular experience is starting to fade.

It’s really just amazing how God could intervene with every minute detail of your life. I treated that Iloilo incident as one of His teasing forays. Indeed He knows me full well and I find great comfort in that. It is very comforting knowing that while I may get confused at times as to what I really want, I know He knows me better than I do. Knowing this and the fact that He actually is in control of my life reassures me. I know He knows even my deepest desire and wish and that I need not have to ask openly for them. I am in His hands, what could be more comforting than the thought of that? :)

Scare

Got a real scare today. Earlier this afternoon we had to rush Mama to the hospital. She collapsed while we were at the Shrine of the Holy Infant of Prague. Cebu was celebrating their Sinulog earlier in the day. Since we could not be there, we made up for it by going to the Shrine instead.

On our way there, we decided to drop by Bacaca to see if Mama Fely would be willing to join us. She was. We had to wait for a while for her though. That was already way beyond one o'clock in the afternoon and we haven't had lunch yet. We had a very late breakfast though and was not feeling any hunger yet.

While at the Shrine, it took us a while to finish the novena, light our candles and say our prayers. We were on our way back to where Mama was seated when Ms. Amparing who took the ride with us rushed to us to inform us that something happened to Mama. And there she was, utterly lifeless, white as a sheet. Looking at her, I felt my heart jumped to my throat. I feared the worst -- stroke.

Noticing her limp form, her seemingly distorted jaw-line, the fear I felt got worst. A thousand other things are running on my mind -- possibilities of Mama having a bad case of stroke and had to endure being tied to the bed.

She had our utmost attention. There were fellow church-goers who offered help. Somebody offered liniment, and someone was able to provide us a glass of hot water. I was so scared but was relaxed at the same time. I whispered soothing words to Mama telling her to relax. I repeatedly told her this and reassured her that we are doing everything to help her. I urged Tatay to get the car so we could take Mama to the hospital. Tatay took a while in coming back. It must have only been two minutes but to me it seemed like an eternity. Bee carried Mama all the way to the car, past the steps and the iron-wrought gates of the Shrine. I ran ahead of him with the car keys, so I could open the doors and fix the seats so Mama could recline comfortably.

Mama Fely and Mrs. Amparing took a while in joining us, probably with the old age and all. Tatay and I had been doing a lot of runs at the gym lately and being a lot younger, we managed to get everything settled at such a short time. And then, just as we were about to go, lo and behold, Janin cried asking her Lola Fely where she left Bolets because he was not with her. Imagine that!

I had to rush back inside the Shrine to look for him. He could be everywhere. I was not able to find him so I doubled back and asked if they have found him already. They said no so I had to run back again and retraced the places we have been to earlier. The panic and the crowd had me very confused. It was hard to keep track of all the kids there. I craned my ear for any sign of crying or any hint of "Nanay!" But every crying I heard were from babies, none of them my son. I was on my way back when I found him with Mama Fely. He was crying. Mama Fely informed me she found him walking towards the chapel from across the large expanse of the ground.

I deduce he must have walked towards the gate where the car was originally parked and retraced his steps when he found out the car was no longer there. (We were parked near the rear gate, farthest from the Chapel. When Mama collapsed, Bee had to drive all the way up to the entrance gate that was closest to the chapel.) I was so concerned with the time we've lost, Mama had to be rushed to the hospital after all. So while I was very worried about Baby and what happened to him, I knew that processing that particular experience would have to come later. Mama had to come first.

Bee and I were having a discussion as to which hospital is closest when Mama managed to speak and repeatedly say that she wanted to go straight home as she is feeling better. She said she just had a case of hyper-acidity and is starting to feel better. We had to argue with her telling her we could not take the risk with her history of hypertension. Why, on any given day, having a BP of 200++ over a hundred is somewhat "normal" for her already.

I asked her if she feel some numbness or distortion in the mouth and she said she does feel a bit numb in her limbs. That decided it for me. Her protests notwithstanding, we went straight to the hospital. Once there, I readily noticed that she had regained her color. Her lips are already turning red compared to its being as white as a sheet back at the church.

I'm not sure if it was just luck or our prayers. Remembering how Mama was at the church made me feel certain she really had a stroke. And she could have. And yet here she is feeling somewhat better. A bit weak yes, but definitely with some color now.

I do not dare think of what could have been's. I'm really just grateful that she was spared that. I could not imagine what being tied to the bed would do to her. And I can't bear the thought of losing her. There are still so many things I wanted to do for her and I wanted for her to experience. She had been through a lot. She had suffered several loses already with Papa and Nino... Plus she always have this pessimistic attitude over her person that I'm not convinced she had really been "very happy" for an extended period of time. I can't have her go that way. I want her to experience what it is to be truly happy, not having any worries of sorts.

Thank you God for turning what could have been the scariest point in my life into a point of salvation and gratitude. I know You again have worked Your wonders. What we had earlier was really a miracle. And I could not thank You well enough. Thank you for your faithfulness...

Amazing Technology

I'm currently blogging here while at the same time downloading songs from the internet. But that is not what I find so amazing. Both my laptop and phone have bluetooth. So to spruce up the scanty mp3 collection of my phone, I tried sending via bluetooth some of the songs I have already downloaded in my laptop. While I was doing so, I was prompted if I want some kind of authentication for both devices, for security sake. I don't look at myself as a techie but I do know computer stuff -- which should be the case, considering I took computer science as a course for three years in college hehehe. Anyway, so I did what I had to do and viola! There go the songs from my laptop being transferred to my phone. Bah! If that is not amazing technology, I don't know what else to call it hehehe

Which reminds me, I am truly grateful to be enjoying a lot of good stuff in my life lately. To begin with, I am grateful for my "techie" phone which is a token from Ate; for my laptop which ate up a considerable chunk from my bank account; for my good paying job which enabled me some really good purchases for myself (this laptop) and for my loved ones (the gifts I was able to give them); for having Ate and the kids and some of our closest relatives home for Christmas; and for countless other things. Thank you, Father God.

Who wouldn't be grateful when all of these blessings came without my having to seek them out? The phone for instance was a pleasant treat. I was solely content with the SG something Samsung phone I had. It had no camera, could not store mp3's but it was handy, dependable, and served its purpose. I did wish for an mp3 player though and thought about upgrading to a pricier and a bit fancier phone. I was clear about one thing though -- I did not want to shell out money for either of the two items hehehe And so apparently, I got my wish :)

The laptop was another thing. I was clear about what I want in a laptop. At the same time, I was also clear about the budget I was willing to spend for it. So for some time, I waited till I could find one that perfectly fit the bill. And I found one. The only problem then was that my cash wasn't enough at that time. I don't fancy resorting to purchasing it with a credit card. I must admit though that I was very nearly tempted to go that far. I wanted that particular model very much. And then, by the time I had the money and went back to the store, I was a bit sad to have found out that it was already sold out. Amazingly though, I did not feel any disappointment, it's as if I knew all along that I'll have it no matter what. And I did. It was in another store, exactly the same model I wanted, and on a sale yet -- marking down the cost to what I was prepared to pay for. Well, I had been preparing myself to pay more given that most of the lesser prized units have already come and gone with everyone intent to spend all their hard-earned bonuses on gadgets. But then here I am, another wish granted.

Ate and the kids' being home was one of the best wish granted, however. And I miss them already. I am looking forward to their next visit, which I hoped would be a lot longer than two weeks and where we could all go flit off somewhere for some exotic vacation like in Palawan or something :) I'd be more than willing to save for two years for it so I could pay for Mama and Janine's fare as well wahehe

I'm now thinking wistfully of what to wish for next... I cut myself short... Because, I am not really the kind of person who dwells too much on what I want. So I don't really spend any time thinking about what to wish for. Usually, I would just go by feeling, recognizing what I need and want in my life at the moment and then I would continue doing whatever it is I'm doing. I don't brood or obsess over a thing.

Now, I find myself wishing for a good paying, meaningful job where my passion for Mindanao and helping others, and my thirst for knowledge and spiritual/ personal growth be continuously satisfied. And I would like to add -- where I would be working with light, fun-to-be-with, no hang-ups, honest, hardworking, soulful, equally-passionate about Mindanao individuals...

How exacting could I be? :) Well, I had to be (exacting). Because, I want the "whole" package delivered to me by the universe. Not some hodgepodge-same-looking-but-not-quite kind of thing. I can't have that :) Life is too short to be spent on less than what we deserve and intend to have. I've had had that -- owing to immaturity and not knowing any better. This time, I want to be clear about what I really want and to aim for them and nothing less. After all, I have little wants and desires and more often than not, they are not intended to harm other people or to step on anyone's toes...

A Prayer

I woke up and immediately urged Bolo to set up the laptop for me. So from bed, I went straight to the laptop and worked. The night before, I went straight from the laptop to bed as well. And I was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. How could I not allot a little time for some morning prayer, just to express my gratitude for another day and to ask for blessings to help me through the day. And then it occured to me, if I make my work a loving sacrifice, then it'll serve as my prayer. If I make the hundred little things I do in a day, an offering to my God then the whole day would be filled with a hundred "little prayers" as well...

Birthday Blog

"You make me lie down
In green pastures
You make me wanting for nothing..."

Don Moen crooned at 5 am in the morning, a day before my birthday, and I just felt the tears fall down my face. I realized how true it is in my life. He indeed makes me lie down in green pastures and make me wanting for nothing. Because, I do not even have to beg and implore Him so much but everything I've ever wanted He makes possible in my life. And what made me cry really is the realization that I have nothing to offer in return.

In an instant I was made to reflect on how I've lived my life the past year and I felt so ashamed at my own brokenness. I am far from perfect, I've always known this but over the past years, I know I've left my God wanting... wanting for me to be more mindful of my actions, to be more mindful of my own becoming than I am.

I've been guilty of being too preoccupied with the minute details of my life that... No, it's not even that... it's more of being too caught up with the little dramas going on in my life that I totally lost sight of the far bigger picture. And God is in the far bigger picture... Too caught up in the drama's I also unwittingly allowed myself to become petty, bitter, childish... Oh, there were a hundred and one moments wherein I would find myself in-tuned with Him but they were so few and far in between compared to how I seem to have devoted all my time and energy in being a little less than I should be.

With everything He had done in my life -- giving me the desires of my heart -- I weep at the thought that I am not able to return the favor. There He is, ever so faithful -- still being the ultimate "Event Organizer" in my life, making all things possible no matter how impossible it may seem to me -- and yet here I am with nothing to offer but my own imperfections and brokenness.

This trip for example. I've been so worried about not meeting its "budgetary requirements." But again, like magic, just as I had been so concerned about not being able to buy Bolo and the kid's ticket, CP had a zero fare promo so the usual 7000++ ticket per person was suddenly slashed down to 2,000 each. No, it was even just 1998. Imagine that. I was sorry I bought mine, Mama and Mama Fely's ticket ahead of time (it had been a promo rate as well but way, way expensive) but I was just so overwhelmed with the sudden blessing that I felt nothing but awe and gratitude. And then, when the date of our departure was near, I got worried again about having enough pocket money. I was so concerned about being short in cash. Guess what happened? I got a shot at a documentation job that proved to be such a blessing in so many ways. Aside from the fact that it gave me enough renumeration for pocket money, it was also such a learning experience. It had all the perks -- I was happy at being given the chance to work again for peace in Mindanao; got an overnight stay at Marco Polo with my son, upon the urging of the organizer; the exchanges at the workshop was so wonderful that I got to learn so much... it was the perfect pre-birthday gift...

And on the day of my birthday itself, I am in Bora with my Mom and family. I had cake from the hubby. I had crabs... I was too caught up with meeting deadlines and spending time with my family that I totally lost sight of Him amidst all of it. Oh I was grateful. I was but the whole of me was not really into it. I went to church, lighted some candles but wasn't even able to pray much because I was already thinking of the cooking that had to be done when we get back to our hotel.

But yeah, still, He found me. He did not gave up on me and gave me this time as well where I thought of nothing but Him and all He represents in my life. I woke up early, went straight to my computer and worked, foregone praying altogether. And then I remembered about the gospel songs in my laptop...

I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore. True, I may still be very much a work in progress but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well. My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him. I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep not out of shame but out of knowing that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.

I am Yours

You Are Mine by David Haas

I was feeling sorry the whole day because I left my flash disk in the car and I had wanted to listen to my Don Moen songs. I was a bit tired and I wanted to start the week right. Without being really conscious about it, I've been humming the above song while working.

It had become a personal favorite since the first time I heard it during a Mass I attended at Redemptorist Church. It was sung during the communion and I just felt the tears come at the end of the song with the words, "I love you and you are mine..." Since then I look forward to hearing and singing it again in church.

Having stumbled upon the song today sure is a good thing. An officemate posted it over at her multiply. I feel as if the song sought me as I sought it. I guess that's how it really is in life -- one just have to be clear in your mind as to what it is you really want and that very thing you seek will in turn seek and find you.

Family and friends, please find the time to view and listen to the video. It'll be worth your while, promise.

Remembering

Yesterday, Bolo watched a program on TV on the life of Jesus, -- from His childhood to His death and resurrection. I was happy that he stuck with it till the end. Having Bolo very interested on the story of Jesus certainly made me very happy. I remember I had to coax him just to watch “The Passion of Christ” with me a few years ago.

His “spiritual formation” is “complex.” Well, sort of. His parents were Catholic and so he was baptized as one. His stepmother was Catholic also so he grew up going to Sunday masses as well. When he was in High School though, his uncle took him “under his wing.” They belong to another sect. Bolo attended services and Bible studies with his uncle and eventually got “baptized.”

There are times when Bolo and I don’t agree on certain things when it comes to faith. When I urged him to watch “The Passion,” he told me he could not understand why it had to be retold again and again. He said he could not understand why we had to repeat the same prayer all over again. He was still very much stubborn then and I felt that he wouldn’t “hear” me anyway if I try to explain.

But back to Bolo's question, why do we remember? Why do we feel the need to retell the story of His passion, death and resurrection over and over again? Because, there is a need to remember. We need to remember that we humans, in our folly, sometimes crucify others only for the reason that they make us look into ourselves and notice our own imperfections. We need to remember that sometimes we bear false witness against others out of envy and greed. We need to remember that we live in a world where it is not easy to be good and have the purest of intentions because there are others who would only hate you for it. Most of all, we need to remember that Someone went through the most painful experience and humiliation just so He could demonstrate to us how life should be lived.

Starting the Year Right: Changing Old Tapes

2007 was generally a good year. If by we good, we mean and acknowledge that everything that ever happens to us is intended to help us become the very best persons that we can be.

It has been a trying year. I had a miscarriage, I lost my brother, Bolo and I had some trying moments. Twice last year, I packed up my things and left out of sheer exasperation and hurt. The most recent one, on the 29th of December. So Bolo and I really literally almost ended the year with a big bang. All for having been victims to our old tapes. Unwittingly, I have allowed myself to be so caught up with minute details of my life this year. And it is not without its consequence. The consequence? I have become the most unloving person that I could ever become.

Looking back, last year I could not really claim to having been my best self. At the most I wallowed in my pain, in my loss, in my drama, in thinking some individuals have done me great injustice, etc. etc. On the one hand, I’m thinking if it wasn’t just post-partum blues speaking, after having the miscarriage and all. Yeah, excuses, excuses and that is hardly the point now.

But of course it was not all grief. If anything, if I would really think long and hard, there was actually more of the good stuff – I had more time with my son, we had opportunity for travels again (bontoc, baguio and sagada), there were plenty of blessings and opportunities, the friendship I share with my college buddies was strengthened... Reminding myself of all of these blessings brings about a sense of newness. And immediately, I am filled with a sense of gratitude rather than despair…

Now, more than ever, I am determined to being my best self once again – be more loving, less critical, more understanding, forgiving and “giving.” I want to be more grateful too, focusing more on the good things that I ought to be thankful for (which is actually a lot!) than on the things I bemoan. Well, I want to take it even further. I would very much want to forego bemoaning altogether. I just want to be grateful. Period.

And it seems to me the universe is responding to this particular intention of mine. Because, everyday, there are situations and persons who would talk to me about certain things that serve to help me along.

On our first day at the office after a very looong, Christmas break (this is another thing to be thankful about the job I keep now – we have Christmas breaks), we had our usual New Year ritual. We had a deck of “virtue cards” (A BK initiative) where we pick and choose a few cards and take them to be the things we need to work on in certain areas of our life. These areas being – (1) Family, (2) Self-development; (3) Work; (4) Relationships; and (5) Social Life. On top of this, we also pick a card to represent our “foundation” or that virtue which shall serve as our strength or core as we work on the different aspect of our lives. The cards I picked or which that chose me, are:

Self-Development: Respect. Because I respect myself, I also respect others, nature and all things.

Social life: Gentle. I tread lightly and lovingly upon this earth.

Family: Wise. I act after understanding the past, present and future of every situation.

Work: Fearless. Because my heart is clean and pure, I am fearless in all I do.

Relationship: I got "Respect" again which I think was very significant. But then again I opted to chose another card and I got, “pure-hearted.” My heart is full of pure love for all of God’s creation.

As for my foundation, I had, “content.” I feel full, calm, without desires or expectations.

I feel, as I mentioned before, that I did not choose the cards but instead it was them who sought and found me. Every thing fits. The instant I picked them I knew why it was the virtue that I picked for a particular aspect in my life.

Truly, there are a lot of things to be truly grateful for in one’s life. I am grateful for all the persons I come in contact with. Because, they are instrumental to my own becoming. I am grateful for such persons as Ms. Arlene who saw it as her role to facilitate this activity to us every year.

I think, it really takes a special kind of person to bother about making it their business to help others along, especially if it is in lined with helping them become their best self. And I’m sitting here, thinking, I would want to do that too.

I am not perfect but this time I would not want to think about that. Thinking about it only limits me as to the things I think I can do. I am a soul, ever in the process of becoming the best that I can be. And I know I need not worry because everything is not all about me. There is a higher self, a Higher Being who helps creates things in our lives, who aids us along as we work on our own imperfections.

There’s this saying that I always keep close to my heart that serves as a source of inspiration every time I find myself falling flat on my face. It gives me the strength to move on and continue working on the unfolding of my own truth. It says something like, “The spiritual path is always constant, never changing, even if the seeker may often loose his way.”

The Forum

I almost did not make it to today’s forum. I woke up late. While it wasn’t exactly late, late, it was much later than I had intended. I couldn’t quite make up my mind whether I still should bother getting to the forum. It is the last day anyway. Make that – last “half-day” as the session is only for the entire morning and breaking up at lunch. It did also did not help that the venue was like at the north and we’re like living in the extreme south.

But dressed up I did. I dragged myself all the way to the forum and made it just in time for the session following the morning break. And I think there could be no better timing than that. Now, looking back, had I been in real early, I know I would have suffered from wanting some more sleep. While it may not be true, I would have found the earlier sessions boring and would have spent the whole time trying to keep myself awake than really listening to what is being said.

When I arrived at the session hall, I sheepishly made excuses with the secretariat, signed the attendance sheet and found myself a seat at the back. The extra hour sleep made me more alert than I normally am at that hour. Well, arriving late also made me a bit more conscientious and determined to give the forum my 100% attention and participation. The point I’m really trying to say is this – at that time, I couldn’t be more ready than I should be to hear about the message being delivered to me at that moment.

There I sat, listening to this person share with the rest of us his experiences about the kind of peace work he is doing. Being alert, I felt as if this person was pouring out his heart and I was absorbing every word, nuances and meaning he was trying to convey. The most amazing thing about it is that he is in a profession you’d expect to have anything to do with peace, in its real sense of the word. But there he was, showing all of us that contrary to what we may think, there are no limitations to doing peace work. Peace work defies boundaries. It goes through leaps and bounds, recognizes its seeming “limitations” but goes beyond them nonetheless.

He was talking about concrete experiences but there I was realizing things far beyond than what was being shared. At an instant I felt as if I glimpsed God’s face right there. I sensed His wisdom, His design..

There was this person, a soldier nonetheless telling us he is going beyond his “call of duty” to take the path less traveled by the likes of him and lay down foundations for peace rather than war. At one point I was greatly amused at God’s sense of humor. A soldier huh? He called on a soldier to do peace work. How funny could God be? :) And He did all that just to show everyone how there is really no limitation to what He can do. I readily sensed that He had tasked this person to deliver more than just one message – there is no limitation to what we can do once we set our mind to it; our histories, the realities that govern us do not necessarily put us in a box; and how God’s wisdom is truly different from human wisdom. I sat there admiring this particular person and at the same time, being awed by a God whom I know is at work in and through him.

The whole experience again reaffirmed to me how “preaching” about one’s faith and spirituality does not necessarily mean having to “openly” speak about it. The more effective way of doing so really is by being the best that we can be at what we do, reaching our full potential as a human being. Being the best we can be, we deliver a more powerful message. Indirectly, we manifest God’s work in us and His wisdom. We give others a glimpse of Him, from whom all things good come.

I was thinking the whole time how far removed I am from such a state of being. I am still very much a work in progress. If there is one thing common I sensed about these people I admire so much, it’s the kind of “self-possession” that they manifest. By self-possession I mean standing there with obvious authority and yet with apparent humility. As if they know full well that all that they’ve become and have accomplished are not out of their own doing. It’s talking about one’s experiences not to blow one’s horn but to drive home the message of love, of life and their significance. Not as the sole author but as a “handmade,” only doing a service.

For all my passion about writing, I am still unwritten. I have yet to become all that I could be. At the moment, I am so consumed by my own dramas I have yet to fully define in order for me to go beyond them. I could say I have reached heights where my becoming is concerned but there are far greater summits that I have yet to conquer.

Unwritten, undefined, that’s what I am. I am still very much a work in progress and I pray I won’t tarry too long in the process. Because, I sense that there is still far too much to do, to accomplish, to fulfill and too little “awake” persons to do the bidding.

I am a willing volunteer but I also found out sometimes I stay far too long in one place just to smell the roses, be so consumed in the many realities I find myself in to really be such a good “handmade.” I was about to write, “soldier” but I immediately corrected myself. Words after all have energies and they help define realities. And, “handmade” defines much better realities than the latter does :) But anyway, everyday I’m learning, “unlearning” and relearning… and everyday, He is also doing His work in me, so I guess I’m not really that far off the mark…

The Concert

I was surreptiously throwing Bolo side glances trying to gauge whether he's getting bored, annoyed or settling in well as I prayed he would...

It's been a long time since he and I have been to a concert. That fact did not quite sit well with me considering how we both make it a point to watch at least one major concert every year.

Last Friday, we finally did. It was Baby's birthday week. That week too, I had a deadline at work that I could not just set aside so planning for Baby's birthday party was delegated to Friday.

The concert was set for two nights -- Friday and Saturday. Watching the Saturday show was definitely not a good idea with Baby's birthday being the next day. Specially so, since we still needed to see to a lot of things -- Baby's bag of goodies ("loot" bag doesn't sound good to me hehe), the food that had to be prepared, the cake, the games, having to buy the grocery stuff needed, etc., etc.

It took a while for me to convince Bolo to watch the concert with me. The first time I broached the subject, he was noncommital. I knew he did not want to go at all and is only avoiding a possible argument that his refusal may cause.

It did not come easy but in the end we did go. It was Steve Kuban's. And as glaring as that can be, I knew it was not Bolo's cup of tea. But when he stood and danced along with me in the middle of the concert, I felt my heart expand.

My family is important to me. My relationship with my husband is important to me. But my faith is important to me as well. It is the very thing that keeps me sane and centered as I try to work things out in every aspect of my life... So it is very important to me that both really jive well. I'm glad that on that Friday evening, it did.

When It's All Been Said and Done

I’m always wary about talking about my spirituality. In fact, it makes me uneasy about being called, “religious.” Because, I feel there’s just a lot of expectations connoted with the term. And no one knows better than I do, that I’m far from being a saint. Bah, if I think of all my shortcomings, the not-so-good attitudes that I have, the mistakes I’ve committed, it’s enough to make me want to run for cover out of shame. So most definitely, I am far from being “religious.”

If anything though, I am most certain about my love for my God. I know I stumble every now and then. I know time and again I fail to live a most “upright,” “blemish-free” life but the fire I feel for Him who makes all things beautiful is something that I always have in my heart. The intensity may vary at times – sometimes it diminishes when I’m so engrossed with all the other aspects of my life – but it is always there.

After what I’ve been through the past months, I found myself seeking that which I know would give me strength. So I clung to Him, with all intensity that has seemed to waver as I become too preoccupied with being a good wife and a good mother.

I guess becoming a parent (and a wife) overwhelmed me a bit. There are just far too many things that needed to be done. I found myself groping with all the responsibilities that I suddenly had to contend with. Suddenly, I have to stop thinking about myself alone, what I want to do and what I want to do with my time. All of a sudden, there’s this tiny being that needed my time and attention – 24/7. There hardly is time for anything else. And on top of that there’s trying to adjust to living with another person who has different set of values, priorities, preferences. Really, being married is like having to deal with the littlest detail – arguing about having the lights on or off at bedtime – to the bigger stuff such as deciding on whether to get Baby an educational plan or not…

So I guess amidst all of that I had unwittingly (and unwillingly) set aside my time for my spiritual life. Oh, Bolo and I still go to church. Al though I must admit there are times we had to argue about it (which usually breaks my heart). It’s a good thing that now he is showing more inclination towards it and even is the first to urge me to go sometimes. But I guess what I missed the most was my time for my community. I had stopped going to prayer meetings. I missed the opportunity it gives me to really have that connection… to reestablish the relationship…It’s like having a long-distance relationship. You feel the love but somehow the intensity is not that strong for the lack of real good “bonding” that being together physically brings…

Lately though, I’ve been listening to my old CDs. Even at work, the playlist I play in my youtube account is that of my “gospel” collection. It helped. Somehow, it made me stronger… Now, I’m realizing why I missed going to the prayer meetings so much. Listening to the songs, slowly I begin to have the right priorities again… Little by little, I feel as if my life again has some kind of direction. I’m not saying that it had no direction ever since I got married. What I’m trying to say is that the songs reminded me of the things that should come first in my life… of what really matters… I guess it’s really different if you have faith to cling to… Somehow, no matter how difficult things are, they’re a lot easier to bear…
And one also sees thing differently… like now I don’t have to worry much about whether or not I’m being a good Mom. That thought alone is enough to make me crazy. In my wanting everything to be best for my son, the whole thing almost becomes an obsession. It obliterates everything…

But having faith, I know that I could only do so much. Now, I’m relearning how it is to take my life by the reigns again… being in control of it.., but not being overly obsessed about it… Because, I know not everything is in my control… There is a God who is doing his work on me everyday… helping me become the “best” person I could be… and Who have taught me time and again He makes all things beautiful.. only if we let Him or be aware enough to acknowledge that…

Below is one of my favorite songs…It’s a favorite because it reminds me of what really matters in the end… And with that in mind, I should conduct my life accordingly… I chatted with a friend earlier. We’re discussing about the dilemma she’s in. It’s difficult having to tell someone how to live their lives. I don’t. I always believe the choice is ours to make alone. Because in the end it is always between you and yourself and/or your God if you’re a spiritual person…

I did not tell her what she should do with her life. In the first place I don’t think I ever have the authority to do so at all nor the wisdom to direct her to the right decisions to make… I shared with her, instead, my thoughts on how I want to be when I’m old and grey. I told her I’ve seen far too many people who grows old bitter and angry at the world and having far too many regrets… I told her I want to be like those other people who grows old gracefully…

The last thing I’d want to do is to be gray and old and wish I have done things differently. That is why I try to be careful with what I do… in making decisions… in choosing. Sometimes, no matter how difficult it is, I try to choose to handle the souls around me with kindness… even if they’ve been unkind to me… Because I’ve learned time and again that in the end, it’s really kindness that pays… and stays… The angry words, the bitterness, they linger but they’re such heavy companions to lug around with…

But by God, I still have a long way to go where that is concerned… I have my temper too and more often than not I still manage to hurt the other people in my life with my sharp tongue and temper… Ironically, those people that really matter… So, I’m still working on that…

I want to grow old knowing I'm happy with the choices I've made even if other people may tell me differently... After all, when everything's beenn said and done... nothing really matters but how well you lived your life and how well you loved the persons you have come in contact with in your life... So help me, God...



When It's All Been Said and Done
By: Don Moen

Why do we do what we do?
It should be out of motivation of love...
Not of hidden agenda..
Because that's what really matters...

When it's all been said and done
There is just one thing that matters
Did I do my best to live for truth
Did I live my life for you

When it's all been said and done
All my treasures will mean nothing
Only what I've done for loves reward
Will stand the test of time..


Lord your mercy is so great
that you look beyond our weakness..
And find purest gold in miry clay
Turning sinners into saints..

I will always sing your praise
Here on earth and ever after
For you've shown me heaven's my true hope

When it's all been said and done,
You're my life when life is gone...

I Will Sing

I Will Sing

Artist: Don Moen
Album: I Will Sing
Lyrics: I Will Sing


Lord You seem so far away. A million miles or more it feels today.
And though I haven't lost my faith, I must confess right now that it's hard for me to pray.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart.

I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.
I will sing. I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true. I will sing.

Lord it's hard for me to see all the thought and plan You have for me.
But I will put my trust in You. Lord will meet Your guide to set me free.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart.

I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.
I will sing. I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true. I will sing. (2 times)

Julia Fordham

Yup, listening to Julia Fordham at the moment. My clock reads 1:38 AM. I've been feeling sleepy since 11 o'clock, I guess. But there are a lot of things that needed to be done. Just outside our room lies a heap of clothes that needed to be folded up and stored in their right cabinets and to think I've started folding up clothes by the time I arrived from my meeting. I only stopped to go down and eat.

Well, so far I've succeeding in neatly hanging some of my "training clothes." Some of Bolo's and Baby's stuff too. I've sorted out my "pambahay," my "for-the-office," and casual-wear clothes. I found out too that I have more clothes than cabinet space. Not that I've been acquiring much lately. Rarely do I find the time to browse and buy clothes these days. In fact, most of my blouses now are Bolo's "gifts" to me -- his "finds." Well, I must add that his choices are not that bad at all, except for those few times he brought home stuff that are either too loud for my taste or were ill-fitting. For the most part, however, he's pretty astute in his choices. It's like he knew full well my minimalist preference.

Hmm... looking back however, I now have plenty of t-shirts too, thanks to him. He's so fond of "climbing," sporty clothes and every now and then he would come home bringing me t-shirts and shorts -- mostly board shorts.

Anyway, how did my day went? Good, I guess. Went back to work despite my OB's two-month rest advice. I had to. I have a training from the 20th to the 23rd and there are a lot of things that needed to be done.

On that note, I guess I'd better call it a day. Better rest now, have another day of work tomorrow. Julia still croons and I'm reminded once again how I like her so much. Used to be so gungho over her during college. And every now and then I would crave for her voice. I had several albums of her in the past. But right now, the only album I have left is her "Collection," which is not bad at all. It is indeed a collection of all her good songs. Hmm.. but is there really any "bad" ones? =)

Ah, this song currently playing, "Porcelain," I really like and not just because it starts with the line -- "I am very much in like with you..." hehehe

I was about to post this blog when "Invisible War" played. It reminds me so much of my relationship with Bolo. Indeed, sometimes there could be just a thin line between love and hate. It's funny really how you could also hate so much the very person you also love very much. I guess it's really because of the vulnerability that loving so much brings. When you love, really love, somehow you leave yourself open and very vulnerable. Emotions are raw, and sometimes expectations run high too. It's no wonder it could hurt so much when these expectations are not met.

Ah, "Love Moves in Mysterious Ways..." Yeah, with my liking Julia Fordham so much, anyone can guess this was played during our wedding hehehe It's not our wedding song, however. Instead, it opened up the ceremony. Our entourage and sponsors marched down the aisle while the choir sang this in the background. I thought it a fitting scoring. Love indeed moves in mysterious ways. Never have I foreseen that everything would end up as it had and not as I first planned it to be.

Oh, there were plans alright. The planning took several years -- two, three years? And yet everything turned out differently. I still harbor a bit of a guilt for that particular aspect of my life. But only because I have no way of knowing if the other's life turned out fine as well... I hope it did... Indeed one could invest so much in making plans and trying to push everything as planned. Still, life could unfold in such a way that one could never imagine... And often the unfolding is good... It is always good no matter how it may seem otherwise at times... Because we have an orchestrator who is good.. all the time... Thank you, Father God.

Taking Care of One's Own

I think one has no business dreaming/ talking about making a difference, helping others, pitching in in development work if you don't know a thing about taking care of one's own. I think it is hypocritical to quote the bible every now and then, boast about one's regular attendance to services if you cannot be charitable to people within your own backyard.

Before, I used to be so wary of announcing to the world that I belong to a certain Spiritual community or that I attend regular worship service. It's not because I am ashamed of my God or ashamed that I'll be associated with such activities. In the first place, I feel blessed to have had such kind of relationship with my God so I don't see why I ought to be ashamed about it. In fact it is the other way around. The reason why I don't make such "pronouncements" is because I'm afraid I may just shame my community.

Establishing that close relationship with Him, the more I am made aware of my own weaknesses. As I get to know more about Him and His goodness, the more I know of my own imperfections, of my own brokenness. I know every now and then I would say or do things that would not only be unpleasing to His eyes but also to the people around me.

Ironically, it's not His wrath that I fear the most. It's other people's judgment of me. No, it's not even that. It's the judgment that may boomerang back to my community for whatever "falling short of perfection" that I may commit.

That is why sometimes I "envy" people who could talk so openly about their own spiritual practices, like how often they would go to Mass, or how often they do charitable works... I wish I could have the same zeal that they do.

Oh, but I'd like to correct myself. I do have the zeal, I just don't sing openly about it. Ah... I've said a lot of things here already when all that I wanted to say now is that I am hurting. I've been hurting for a long time even if I don't also speak openly about it. I am hurting because I have trouble fitting in. I am hurting because while I wanted to establish relationships, I often feel I'm up against a brick wall. It's hard when even at the onset it's been underlined time and again that you're on your own and that you do not belong.

Oh, I don't really mind not establishing the relationships. I'm fine all by myself. And besides, I'm really quite wary where that is concerned. Because, relationships matter the whole lot to me. Friends to me are not just pals. They're family, loved ones. To them I'll give all of me without any hesitation should the situation call for it. That is why I don't really always jump at the chance to "acquire" more relationships than I already have.

Still, establishing relationship is necessary with people you have common goals with. It is but only common sense to do so. Oh but yeah, I forgot, I am on my own and we necessarily don't share a common goal...

I am hurting because I felt I am shortchanged. I am hurting because I had had such high expectations from people whom I thought knows more about God's love and about translating it into this world. I am hurting because when at the time I was hurting I did not feel the slightest hint that they were hurting along with me. Kahit respeto lang man sana. All that they succeeded was in making me feel that I was worthless to them. Oh, I did not expect much like they would have to smother with flowers and all that stuff. A simple "how are you?" would have been more than enough.

I'm asking myself, have I set such high expectations that is why I am hurting now? No, in fact I did not have any expectations at all. But, I guess I did not expect total disregard as well. My God, I lost a child and it's a painful experience. I had expected that mothers would have at least understand the pain I must be going through. I expected that those who seek to establish relationship with God everyday would know how to extend a comforting hand to those who needed it. So yeah, maybe I did have such high expectations. This is the only way that could explain the hurt I'm feeling now... But yeah, I'll get over this. I am in fact feeling better now. I just felt that I had to express all that I've felt so it wouldn't have to be a baggage, a burden I'll be carrying around with me.

If anything, I take comfort in the fact that my God did not fail me at all. He had always been with me every step of the way. And there were my friends too, my family... If there's anything I get out of this whole experience, it's that God reaffirmed His promise to anyone who loves Him -- that indeed He would never forsake us or abandon us especially in time of need. With that, what more shall I want?