Taking Care of One's Own

I think one has no business dreaming/ talking about making a difference, helping others, pitching in in development work if you don't know a thing about taking care of one's own. I think it is hypocritical to quote the bible every now and then, boast about one's regular attendance to services if you cannot be charitable to people within your own backyard.

Before, I used to be so wary of announcing to the world that I belong to a certain Spiritual community or that I attend regular worship service. It's not because I am ashamed of my God or ashamed that I'll be associated with such activities. In the first place, I feel blessed to have had such kind of relationship with my God so I don't see why I ought to be ashamed about it. In fact it is the other way around. The reason why I don't make such "pronouncements" is because I'm afraid I may just shame my community.

Establishing that close relationship with Him, the more I am made aware of my own weaknesses. As I get to know more about Him and His goodness, the more I know of my own imperfections, of my own brokenness. I know every now and then I would say or do things that would not only be unpleasing to His eyes but also to the people around me.

Ironically, it's not His wrath that I fear the most. It's other people's judgment of me. No, it's not even that. It's the judgment that may boomerang back to my community for whatever "falling short of perfection" that I may commit.

That is why sometimes I "envy" people who could talk so openly about their own spiritual practices, like how often they would go to Mass, or how often they do charitable works... I wish I could have the same zeal that they do.

Oh, but I'd like to correct myself. I do have the zeal, I just don't sing openly about it. Ah... I've said a lot of things here already when all that I wanted to say now is that I am hurting. I've been hurting for a long time even if I don't also speak openly about it. I am hurting because I have trouble fitting in. I am hurting because while I wanted to establish relationships, I often feel I'm up against a brick wall. It's hard when even at the onset it's been underlined time and again that you're on your own and that you do not belong.

Oh, I don't really mind not establishing the relationships. I'm fine all by myself. And besides, I'm really quite wary where that is concerned. Because, relationships matter the whole lot to me. Friends to me are not just pals. They're family, loved ones. To them I'll give all of me without any hesitation should the situation call for it. That is why I don't really always jump at the chance to "acquire" more relationships than I already have.

Still, establishing relationship is necessary with people you have common goals with. It is but only common sense to do so. Oh but yeah, I forgot, I am on my own and we necessarily don't share a common goal...

I am hurting because I felt I am shortchanged. I am hurting because I had had such high expectations from people whom I thought knows more about God's love and about translating it into this world. I am hurting because when at the time I was hurting I did not feel the slightest hint that they were hurting along with me. Kahit respeto lang man sana. All that they succeeded was in making me feel that I was worthless to them. Oh, I did not expect much like they would have to smother with flowers and all that stuff. A simple "how are you?" would have been more than enough.

I'm asking myself, have I set such high expectations that is why I am hurting now? No, in fact I did not have any expectations at all. But, I guess I did not expect total disregard as well. My God, I lost a child and it's a painful experience. I had expected that mothers would have at least understand the pain I must be going through. I expected that those who seek to establish relationship with God everyday would know how to extend a comforting hand to those who needed it. So yeah, maybe I did have such high expectations. This is the only way that could explain the hurt I'm feeling now... But yeah, I'll get over this. I am in fact feeling better now. I just felt that I had to express all that I've felt so it wouldn't have to be a baggage, a burden I'll be carrying around with me.

If anything, I take comfort in the fact that my God did not fail me at all. He had always been with me every step of the way. And there were my friends too, my family... If there's anything I get out of this whole experience, it's that God reaffirmed His promise to anyone who loves Him -- that indeed He would never forsake us or abandon us especially in time of need. With that, what more shall I want?