Everything has yet to pan out but so far, everything seems to be "easy." A part of me still "wants to" weep for the person that seems to be such a lost cause. Yes, "wants to" because I can't seem to shed tears anymore. I am sad about the whole thing but I guess I've cried enough over the years my soul has finally dried up.
I am definitely wishing him well and still praying that he would find and save himself from himself. I've tried over the years to do that but there is no helping someone who doesn't want to help himself. Even from the beginning I was too naïve to think that unconditional love would overcome it all. He has quite a lot of inside turmoil to navigate within himself and it would take a lot of will to do just that. And as he is with other things, he doesn't want to expend that much energy. I could weep for the "little boy" trap within all that for so long.
But then it took me 19 years to realise that unconditional love is about self-love too. I am strong and so full of love true that it naturally overflows. Yet, here I am, 19 years down the road and I feel I'm slowly disintegrating as I try to put up with abuse just because I "understand" and "love" that tiny, helpless, little boy. I've tried compassion, outpouring love and understanding... And the children have suffered in the sidelines too...
I need to love the children unconditionally too, unless I want them to end up like this trapped little boy as well... lost and trapped in a sea of trauma and emotions that they could not make the sense out of. I wouldn't want them to live their lives being lead by this inner turmoil they are unconscious of. I wish I could gift the children with my penchant for reflecting and introspection...
So help us, Abba.
