I'm drowning, Mama. In grief. I had such a crazy two weeks. Little sleep. Too much work and everything else in between. Awhile back I was just fine. I was happily doing the dishes, cleaning up the kitchen. My housemate cooked me a traditional Malawian dinner. So it was my turn to do the washing up. The music kept me upbeat as I worked.
Now, as I settle here in the sofa, the same music brought the memory of you. I'm thinking of our impending move and how we would be leaving you behind. I was thinking of bringing along your photo. Have it in one of our rooms so it would still be like you are with us. I am hoping that Aunty and Eric would pay you a visit sometimes. So you won't be too lonely where you are...
I miss you, Mama so much. Just now i felt as if a big weight is on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe.. I do know you are now happy where you are... No more pain and that feeling of being tired... Sometimes I think perhaps you miss us too... Or maybe not... knowing what you know now... But I also know that attachment is real too... But you have loved us well, Ma. Do rest in peace... Let me cry a little every now and then but don't worry too much. You're just too wonderful thus we miss you in our midst. And yes, there are regrets as well, aren't there? Like I should have spent more time with you...
I was thinking earlier, if itwould be my turn to see Rod slowly drift away as well as he carves a space for himself, I would totally understand. I would understand if he would forget me... and would only pay a visit whenever... Life would be exciting for him.. adulting would be tough... he would have responsibilities... he would be overwhelmed at the same time preocuppied with chasing after his dreams, his wants... And I would have to accept that... I'm thinking that is why I should also not stop pursuing my dreams and wants... So I do not just sit there, alone, waitng for my children to come and pay me a visit.. wondering and worrying about them a lot...
Well, I pray I would still be "awake" enough to know all this... to give my children wings when the time would come and not to be a slave of my attachments to them. After all, as long as I live, my own unfolding continues... perhaps when the time comes, I would finally have the time to learn how to play a cello... perhaps, singing well into my grey years...
