Tuesday, July 22, 2008
A Prayer
I woke up and immediately urged Bolo to set up the laptop for me. So from bed, I went straight to the laptop and worked. The night before, I went straight from the laptop to bed as well. And I was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. How could I not allot a little time for some morning prayer, just to express my gratitude for another day and to ask for blessings to help me through the day. And then it occured to me, if I make my work a loving sacrifice, then it'll serve as my prayer. If I make the hundred little things I do in a day, an offering to my God then the whole day would be filled with a hundred "little prayers" as well...
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Not Some Faceless Stranger
I feel my heart being torn to pieces. I feel a part of me has died. But then I also realized that it had slowly started to die a long time ago. I also know that while it may hurt me so now, it had to stop. And it had to stop now.
Bolo walked out along with a few of his possessions. It is nothing new. There were episodes in the past that it was I who did the packing and the walking away. However, I knew that this time, it is different. This time there is a finality to it. This time I know I wouldn’t be coming after him in a few days time telling him I don’t want him back really but I needed someone to look after baby while I go to work.
That often worked in the past. He would welcome the excuse and would “offer” to watch baby while I go to the office and would tell me he would just “walk away” when I get back. Only, there wouldn’t be “no walking away.” Oh, he would walk away but only to get his stuff from the shop or his father’s house and bring them back home. This time, I’m just not so sure I want to figure in the same episode anymore.
In truth, I’ve been thinking about it for the longest time. What they really said is true – one should really be careful about what one wishes for, as you might just get it. For a few months now I’ve really been contemplating about just ending the relationship. The fights have been going on for so long I don’t know if I’d still have some self-respect left if I just let it go on and on and on.
Our is an abusive relationship. I never wrote about it before because I don’t know how to deal with it. Well, come to think of it, I never wrote about it because I’ve been so caught up in trying to deal with it my own way. And as far as this kind of thing goes, there’s no easy way to deal with it.
Foremost, I wanted to save the marriage. I want to make it work for our son’s sake. Baby’s so attached to Bolo that there are times he’d wake up in the middle of the night crying out his Tatay’s name. There was one time when I sent Bolo packing and Baby ran out of the room only to come back with his own set of shirts and threw it along his Tatay’s pile of clothes. That was enough to make me rethink my decision.
Second, there was attachment. Of course. Bolo and I have come a long, long way and it wasn’t always bad. There were good times too and when I think about those times I would be made to believe that there is still hope for us. That we could still work it out.
But Bolo is a basketcase. He's far too flawed for my inept attempt at playing psychologist-cum-counselor. While he does listen and make subtle attempts at changing himself, his conditioning is far too ingrained to be reversed by a few minutes of soul-searching and deep conversations.
And I’m far too flawed myself to be able to deal with his drama unconditionally. I’m far too attached, too close to the situation to be able to detach myself and deal with the whole situation objectively. My own set of drama’s often gets in the way. More often than not, I’m torn between trying to be understanding and patient and pinpointing to him what he did wrong and how he could better himself – to reacting strongly to the “injustice” and abuse he threw at me.
More often than not, I choose to react and play along with his drama. Meet his fire with my own fire. In our case, it’s not that one strives to be cold while the other is hot. Always, it’s hot temper versus steaming indignation. And that is why the fight often turns ugly. So in actuality, I do Bolo more harm than good. I only fuel his own rage, not help him deal with it.
And where is Baby amidst all of these? If before it is Baby that makes me want to hold on to the relationship, now it’s also because of Baby why I just want to let things be.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how I deserve someone else, someone who would be returning my sacrifices and efforts in equal measure. Lately, I’ve been daydreaming about that faceless someone who would be my equal, who would see my value and worth for what it is; someone who would also be worthy to receive the same value and regard from me.
Deserve. If it comes to that, Baby and I deserve to be loved in full measure. It doesn’t have to be a perfect love but the kind that strives to always better itself for the sake of the loved ones. I know and declare that Baby and I deserve respect and high regard. I wouldn’t want to settle for what is less than that.
A little while back, in a moment of weakness, I wished that it wouldn’t have to be someone else. I wouldn’t want to love someone else other than Bolo. I wouldn’t want some faceless someone to share with me and my son a good life somewhere down the road. I would still want it to be Bolo – tamed, and better schooled and equipped at loving. Such as I would be better schooled and equipped at loving someone stripped of my own expectations and drama.
Just hurry up Tay, work at yourself, Baby and I will be waiting…
Bolo walked out along with a few of his possessions. It is nothing new. There were episodes in the past that it was I who did the packing and the walking away. However, I knew that this time, it is different. This time there is a finality to it. This time I know I wouldn’t be coming after him in a few days time telling him I don’t want him back really but I needed someone to look after baby while I go to work.
That often worked in the past. He would welcome the excuse and would “offer” to watch baby while I go to the office and would tell me he would just “walk away” when I get back. Only, there wouldn’t be “no walking away.” Oh, he would walk away but only to get his stuff from the shop or his father’s house and bring them back home. This time, I’m just not so sure I want to figure in the same episode anymore.
In truth, I’ve been thinking about it for the longest time. What they really said is true – one should really be careful about what one wishes for, as you might just get it. For a few months now I’ve really been contemplating about just ending the relationship. The fights have been going on for so long I don’t know if I’d still have some self-respect left if I just let it go on and on and on.
Our is an abusive relationship. I never wrote about it before because I don’t know how to deal with it. Well, come to think of it, I never wrote about it because I’ve been so caught up in trying to deal with it my own way. And as far as this kind of thing goes, there’s no easy way to deal with it.
Foremost, I wanted to save the marriage. I want to make it work for our son’s sake. Baby’s so attached to Bolo that there are times he’d wake up in the middle of the night crying out his Tatay’s name. There was one time when I sent Bolo packing and Baby ran out of the room only to come back with his own set of shirts and threw it along his Tatay’s pile of clothes. That was enough to make me rethink my decision.
Second, there was attachment. Of course. Bolo and I have come a long, long way and it wasn’t always bad. There were good times too and when I think about those times I would be made to believe that there is still hope for us. That we could still work it out.
But Bolo is a basketcase. He's far too flawed for my inept attempt at playing psychologist-cum-counselor. While he does listen and make subtle attempts at changing himself, his conditioning is far too ingrained to be reversed by a few minutes of soul-searching and deep conversations.
And I’m far too flawed myself to be able to deal with his drama unconditionally. I’m far too attached, too close to the situation to be able to detach myself and deal with the whole situation objectively. My own set of drama’s often gets in the way. More often than not, I’m torn between trying to be understanding and patient and pinpointing to him what he did wrong and how he could better himself – to reacting strongly to the “injustice” and abuse he threw at me.
More often than not, I choose to react and play along with his drama. Meet his fire with my own fire. In our case, it’s not that one strives to be cold while the other is hot. Always, it’s hot temper versus steaming indignation. And that is why the fight often turns ugly. So in actuality, I do Bolo more harm than good. I only fuel his own rage, not help him deal with it.
And where is Baby amidst all of these? If before it is Baby that makes me want to hold on to the relationship, now it’s also because of Baby why I just want to let things be.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how I deserve someone else, someone who would be returning my sacrifices and efforts in equal measure. Lately, I’ve been daydreaming about that faceless someone who would be my equal, who would see my value and worth for what it is; someone who would also be worthy to receive the same value and regard from me.
Deserve. If it comes to that, Baby and I deserve to be loved in full measure. It doesn’t have to be a perfect love but the kind that strives to always better itself for the sake of the loved ones. I know and declare that Baby and I deserve respect and high regard. I wouldn’t want to settle for what is less than that.
A little while back, in a moment of weakness, I wished that it wouldn’t have to be someone else. I wouldn’t want to love someone else other than Bolo. I wouldn’t want some faceless someone to share with me and my son a good life somewhere down the road. I would still want it to be Bolo – tamed, and better schooled and equipped at loving. Such as I would be better schooled and equipped at loving someone stripped of my own expectations and drama.
Just hurry up Tay, work at yourself, Baby and I will be waiting…
Friday, July 11, 2008
Again
I found Baby fast asleep on the bed and exhausted, I laid down next to him. His yaya was watching tv at the foot of the bed and I asked her what it was about. We were deep in conversation already when Baby stirred from his slumber, sat on the bed, looked at me in bewilderment and then just hugged me by my neck very tightly. I was so touched by his gesture I was teary-eyed. I hugged him back, trying to communicate to him that I missed him as much as he obviously missed me.
I’ve spent an overnight at the hospital. I’ve had my second miscarriage. Yes, again. I sensed Baby’s attachment to us his Tatay and Nanay ever since we got back from the trip that I really took care not to stay too long at the hospital. Unlike my previous experience wherein at the instant the doctor recommended for the D&C procedure I immediately had myself admitted, I begged my OB for a few more days. One, to attend to some work first and second, to soften the blow for Baby. Noticing how he clings to us these days I know that being away for three days and three nights would really be bad for him.
So I rode out the pain at home, endured the labor pangs up until I expelled what could have been another addition to our family. Having no medicines to sustain me this time, it was unexplainably painful. Almost as painful as I had with Baby before. Bolo and I were “scientific” about it at first, timing my contractions up to the last second but the pain got worse and worse up to a point when it was more intense and much more prolonged. At the latter stage it felt as is the pain would never stop that I was already crying from the sheer pain of it. Bolo was so concerned he scolded me for not going to the hospital much earlier.
I felt somewhat detached this time than I was the first time. But of course I'm still pained by all of it. I am still reeling from the loss of a promise, of a what-could-have-been. Of course I wanted this Baby, Bolo and I were looking forward to it. We were even excited to find out who it would resemble this time. We were hoping it would be a girl who looks exactly like me. I guess we'll never find out now, for sure...
I’ve spent an overnight at the hospital. I’ve had my second miscarriage. Yes, again. I sensed Baby’s attachment to us his Tatay and Nanay ever since we got back from the trip that I really took care not to stay too long at the hospital. Unlike my previous experience wherein at the instant the doctor recommended for the D&C procedure I immediately had myself admitted, I begged my OB for a few more days. One, to attend to some work first and second, to soften the blow for Baby. Noticing how he clings to us these days I know that being away for three days and three nights would really be bad for him.
So I rode out the pain at home, endured the labor pangs up until I expelled what could have been another addition to our family. Having no medicines to sustain me this time, it was unexplainably painful. Almost as painful as I had with Baby before. Bolo and I were “scientific” about it at first, timing my contractions up to the last second but the pain got worse and worse up to a point when it was more intense and much more prolonged. At the latter stage it felt as is the pain would never stop that I was already crying from the sheer pain of it. Bolo was so concerned he scolded me for not going to the hospital much earlier.
I felt somewhat detached this time than I was the first time. But of course I'm still pained by all of it. I am still reeling from the loss of a promise, of a what-could-have-been. Of course I wanted this Baby, Bolo and I were looking forward to it. We were even excited to find out who it would resemble this time. We were hoping it would be a girl who looks exactly like me. I guess we'll never find out now, for sure...
Friday, July 04, 2008
Birthday Blog
"You make me lie down
In green pastures
You make me wanting for nothing..."
In green pastures
You make me wanting for nothing..."
Don Moen crooned at 5 am in the morning, a day before my birthday, and I just felt the tears fall down my face. I realized how true it is in my life. He indeed makes me lie down in green pastures and make me wanting for nothing. Because, I do not even have to beg and implore Him so much but everything I've ever wanted He makes possible in my life. And what made me cry really is the realization that I have nothing to offer in return.
In an instant I was made to reflect on how I've lived my life the past year and I felt so ashamed at my own brokenness. I am far from perfect, I've always known this but over the past years, I know I've left my God wanting... wanting for me to be more mindful of my actions, to be more mindful of my own becoming than I am.
I've been guilty of being too preoccupied with the minute details of my life that... No, it's not even that... it's more of being too caught up with the little dramas going on in my life that I totally lost sight of the far bigger picture. And God is in the far bigger picture... Too caught up in the drama's I also unwittingly allowed myself to become petty, bitter, childish... Oh, there were a hundred and one moments wherein I would find myself in-tuned with Him but they were so few and far in between compared to how I seem to have devoted all my time and energy in being a little less than I should be.
With everything He had done in my life -- giving me the desires of my heart -- I weep at the thought that I am not able to return the favor. There He is, ever so faithful -- still being the ultimate "Event Organizer" in my life, making all things possible no matter how impossible it may seem to me -- and yet here I am with nothing to offer but my own imperfections and brokenness.
This trip for example. I've been so worried about not meeting its "budgetary requirements." But again, like magic, just as I had been so concerned about not being able to buy Bolo and the kid's ticket, CP had a zero fare promo so the usual 7000++ ticket per person was suddenly slashed down to 2,000 each. No, it was even just 1998. Imagine that. I was sorry I bought mine, Mama and Mama Fely's ticket ahead of time (it had been a promo rate as well but way, way expensive) but I was just so overwhelmed with the sudden blessing that I felt nothing but awe and gratitude. And then, when the date of our departure was near, I got worried again about having enough pocket money. I was so concerned about being short in cash. Guess what happened? I got a shot at a documentation job that proved to be such a blessing in so many ways. Aside from the fact that it gave me enough renumeration for pocket money, it was also such a learning experience. It had all the perks -- I was happy at being given the chance to work again for peace in Mindanao; got an overnight stay at Marco Polo with my son, upon the urging of the organizer; the exchanges at the workshop was so wonderful that I got to learn so much... it was the perfect pre-birthday gift...
And on the day of my birthday itself, I am in Bora with my Mom and family. I had cake from the hubby. I had crabs... I was too caught up with meeting deadlines and spending time with my family that I totally lost sight of Him amidst all of it. Oh I was grateful. I was but the whole of me was not really into it. I went to church, lighted some candles but wasn't even able to pray much because I was already thinking of the cooking that had to be done when we get back to our hotel.
But yeah, still, He found me. He did not gave up on me and gave me this time as well where I thought of nothing but Him and all He represents in my life. I woke up early, went straight to my computer and worked, foregone praying altogether. And then I remembered about the gospel songs in my laptop...
I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore. True, I may still be very much a work in progress but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well. My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him. I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep not out of shame but out of knowing that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.
In an instant I was made to reflect on how I've lived my life the past year and I felt so ashamed at my own brokenness. I am far from perfect, I've always known this but over the past years, I know I've left my God wanting... wanting for me to be more mindful of my actions, to be more mindful of my own becoming than I am.
I've been guilty of being too preoccupied with the minute details of my life that... No, it's not even that... it's more of being too caught up with the little dramas going on in my life that I totally lost sight of the far bigger picture. And God is in the far bigger picture... Too caught up in the drama's I also unwittingly allowed myself to become petty, bitter, childish... Oh, there were a hundred and one moments wherein I would find myself in-tuned with Him but they were so few and far in between compared to how I seem to have devoted all my time and energy in being a little less than I should be.
With everything He had done in my life -- giving me the desires of my heart -- I weep at the thought that I am not able to return the favor. There He is, ever so faithful -- still being the ultimate "Event Organizer" in my life, making all things possible no matter how impossible it may seem to me -- and yet here I am with nothing to offer but my own imperfections and brokenness.
This trip for example. I've been so worried about not meeting its "budgetary requirements." But again, like magic, just as I had been so concerned about not being able to buy Bolo and the kid's ticket, CP had a zero fare promo so the usual 7000++ ticket per person was suddenly slashed down to 2,000 each. No, it was even just 1998. Imagine that. I was sorry I bought mine, Mama and Mama Fely's ticket ahead of time (it had been a promo rate as well but way, way expensive) but I was just so overwhelmed with the sudden blessing that I felt nothing but awe and gratitude. And then, when the date of our departure was near, I got worried again about having enough pocket money. I was so concerned about being short in cash. Guess what happened? I got a shot at a documentation job that proved to be such a blessing in so many ways. Aside from the fact that it gave me enough renumeration for pocket money, it was also such a learning experience. It had all the perks -- I was happy at being given the chance to work again for peace in Mindanao; got an overnight stay at Marco Polo with my son, upon the urging of the organizer; the exchanges at the workshop was so wonderful that I got to learn so much... it was the perfect pre-birthday gift...
And on the day of my birthday itself, I am in Bora with my Mom and family. I had cake from the hubby. I had crabs... I was too caught up with meeting deadlines and spending time with my family that I totally lost sight of Him amidst all of it. Oh I was grateful. I was but the whole of me was not really into it. I went to church, lighted some candles but wasn't even able to pray much because I was already thinking of the cooking that had to be done when we get back to our hotel.
But yeah, still, He found me. He did not gave up on me and gave me this time as well where I thought of nothing but Him and all He represents in my life. I woke up early, went straight to my computer and worked, foregone praying altogether. And then I remembered about the gospel songs in my laptop...
I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore. True, I may still be very much a work in progress but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well. My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him. I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep not out of shame but out of knowing that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.
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