Again

I found Baby fast asleep on the bed and exhausted, I laid down next to him. His yaya was watching tv at the foot of the bed and I asked her what it was about. We were deep in conversation already when Baby stirred from his slumber, sat on the bed, looked at me in bewilderment and then just hugged me by my neck very tightly. I was so touched by his gesture I was teary-eyed. I hugged him back, trying to communicate to him that I missed him as much as he obviously missed me.

I’ve spent an overnight at the hospital. I’ve had my second miscarriage. Yes, again. I sensed Baby’s attachment to us his Tatay and Nanay ever since we got back from the trip that I really took care not to stay too long at the hospital. Unlike my previous experience wherein at the instant the doctor recommended for the D&C procedure I immediately had myself admitted, I begged my OB for a few more days. One, to attend to some work first and second, to soften the blow for Baby. Noticing how he clings to us these days I know that being away for three days and three nights would really be bad for him.

So I rode out the pain at home, endured the labor pangs up until I expelled what could have been another addition to our family. Having no medicines to sustain me this time, it was unexplainably painful. Almost as painful as I had with Baby before. Bolo and I were “scientific” about it at first, timing my contractions up to the last second but the pain got worse and worse up to a point when it was more intense and much more prolonged. At the latter stage it felt as is the pain would never stop that I was already crying from the sheer pain of it. Bolo was so concerned he scolded me for not going to the hospital much earlier.

I felt somewhat detached this time than I was the first time. But of course I'm still pained by all of it. I am still reeling from the loss of a promise, of a what-could-have-been. Of course I wanted this Baby, Bolo and I were looking forward to it. We were even excited to find out who it would resemble this time. We were hoping it would be a girl who looks exactly like me. I guess we'll never find out now, for sure...