"You make me lie down
In green pastures
You make me wanting for nothing..."
In green pastures
You make me wanting for nothing..."
Don Moen crooned at 5 am in the morning, a day before my birthday, and I just felt the tears fall down my face. I realized how true it is in my life. He indeed makes me lie down in green pastures and make me wanting for nothing. Because, I do not even have to beg and implore Him so much but everything I've ever wanted He makes possible in my life. And what made me cry really is the realization that I have nothing to offer in return.
In an instant I was made to reflect on how I've lived my life the past year and I felt so ashamed at my own brokenness. I am far from perfect, I've always known this but over the past years, I know I've left my God wanting... wanting for me to be more mindful of my actions, to be more mindful of my own becoming than I am.
I've been guilty of being too preoccupied with the minute details of my life that... No, it's not even that... it's more of being too caught up with the little dramas going on in my life that I totally lost sight of the far bigger picture. And God is in the far bigger picture... Too caught up in the drama's I also unwittingly allowed myself to become petty, bitter, childish... Oh, there were a hundred and one moments wherein I would find myself in-tuned with Him but they were so few and far in between compared to how I seem to have devoted all my time and energy in being a little less than I should be.
With everything He had done in my life -- giving me the desires of my heart -- I weep at the thought that I am not able to return the favor. There He is, ever so faithful -- still being the ultimate "Event Organizer" in my life, making all things possible no matter how impossible it may seem to me -- and yet here I am with nothing to offer but my own imperfections and brokenness.
This trip for example. I've been so worried about not meeting its "budgetary requirements." But again, like magic, just as I had been so concerned about not being able to buy Bolo and the kid's ticket, CP had a zero fare promo so the usual 7000++ ticket per person was suddenly slashed down to 2,000 each. No, it was even just 1998. Imagine that. I was sorry I bought mine, Mama and Mama Fely's ticket ahead of time (it had been a promo rate as well but way, way expensive) but I was just so overwhelmed with the sudden blessing that I felt nothing but awe and gratitude. And then, when the date of our departure was near, I got worried again about having enough pocket money. I was so concerned about being short in cash. Guess what happened? I got a shot at a documentation job that proved to be such a blessing in so many ways. Aside from the fact that it gave me enough renumeration for pocket money, it was also such a learning experience. It had all the perks -- I was happy at being given the chance to work again for peace in Mindanao; got an overnight stay at Marco Polo with my son, upon the urging of the organizer; the exchanges at the workshop was so wonderful that I got to learn so much... it was the perfect pre-birthday gift...
And on the day of my birthday itself, I am in Bora with my Mom and family. I had cake from the hubby. I had crabs... I was too caught up with meeting deadlines and spending time with my family that I totally lost sight of Him amidst all of it. Oh I was grateful. I was but the whole of me was not really into it. I went to church, lighted some candles but wasn't even able to pray much because I was already thinking of the cooking that had to be done when we get back to our hotel.
But yeah, still, He found me. He did not gave up on me and gave me this time as well where I thought of nothing but Him and all He represents in my life. I woke up early, went straight to my computer and worked, foregone praying altogether. And then I remembered about the gospel songs in my laptop...
I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore. True, I may still be very much a work in progress but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well. My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him. I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep not out of shame but out of knowing that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.
In an instant I was made to reflect on how I've lived my life the past year and I felt so ashamed at my own brokenness. I am far from perfect, I've always known this but over the past years, I know I've left my God wanting... wanting for me to be more mindful of my actions, to be more mindful of my own becoming than I am.
I've been guilty of being too preoccupied with the minute details of my life that... No, it's not even that... it's more of being too caught up with the little dramas going on in my life that I totally lost sight of the far bigger picture. And God is in the far bigger picture... Too caught up in the drama's I also unwittingly allowed myself to become petty, bitter, childish... Oh, there were a hundred and one moments wherein I would find myself in-tuned with Him but they were so few and far in between compared to how I seem to have devoted all my time and energy in being a little less than I should be.
With everything He had done in my life -- giving me the desires of my heart -- I weep at the thought that I am not able to return the favor. There He is, ever so faithful -- still being the ultimate "Event Organizer" in my life, making all things possible no matter how impossible it may seem to me -- and yet here I am with nothing to offer but my own imperfections and brokenness.
This trip for example. I've been so worried about not meeting its "budgetary requirements." But again, like magic, just as I had been so concerned about not being able to buy Bolo and the kid's ticket, CP had a zero fare promo so the usual 7000++ ticket per person was suddenly slashed down to 2,000 each. No, it was even just 1998. Imagine that. I was sorry I bought mine, Mama and Mama Fely's ticket ahead of time (it had been a promo rate as well but way, way expensive) but I was just so overwhelmed with the sudden blessing that I felt nothing but awe and gratitude. And then, when the date of our departure was near, I got worried again about having enough pocket money. I was so concerned about being short in cash. Guess what happened? I got a shot at a documentation job that proved to be such a blessing in so many ways. Aside from the fact that it gave me enough renumeration for pocket money, it was also such a learning experience. It had all the perks -- I was happy at being given the chance to work again for peace in Mindanao; got an overnight stay at Marco Polo with my son, upon the urging of the organizer; the exchanges at the workshop was so wonderful that I got to learn so much... it was the perfect pre-birthday gift...
And on the day of my birthday itself, I am in Bora with my Mom and family. I had cake from the hubby. I had crabs... I was too caught up with meeting deadlines and spending time with my family that I totally lost sight of Him amidst all of it. Oh I was grateful. I was but the whole of me was not really into it. I went to church, lighted some candles but wasn't even able to pray much because I was already thinking of the cooking that had to be done when we get back to our hotel.
But yeah, still, He found me. He did not gave up on me and gave me this time as well where I thought of nothing but Him and all He represents in my life. I woke up early, went straight to my computer and worked, foregone praying altogether. And then I remembered about the gospel songs in my laptop...
I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore. True, I may still be very much a work in progress but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well. My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him. I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep not out of shame but out of knowing that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.
No comments:
Post a Comment