I feel my heart being torn to pieces. I feel a part of me has died. But then I also realized that it had slowly started to die a long time ago. I also know that while it may hurt me so now, it had to stop. And it had to stop now.
Bolo walked out along with a few of his possessions. It is nothing new. There were episodes in the past that it was I who did the packing and the walking away. However, I knew that this time, it is different. This time there is a finality to it. This time I know I wouldn’t be coming after him in a few days time telling him I don’t want him back really but I needed someone to look after baby while I go to work.
That often worked in the past. He would welcome the excuse and would “offer” to watch baby while I go to the office and would tell me he would just “walk away” when I get back. Only, there wouldn’t be “no walking away.” Oh, he would walk away but only to get his stuff from the shop or his father’s house and bring them back home. This time, I’m just not so sure I want to figure in the same episode anymore.
In truth, I’ve been thinking about it for the longest time. What they really said is true – one should really be careful about what one wishes for, as you might just get it. For a few months now I’ve really been contemplating about just ending the relationship. The fights have been going on for so long I don’t know if I’d still have some self-respect left if I just let it go on and on and on.
Our is an abusive relationship. I never wrote about it before because I don’t know how to deal with it. Well, come to think of it, I never wrote about it because I’ve been so caught up in trying to deal with it my own way. And as far as this kind of thing goes, there’s no easy way to deal with it.
Foremost, I wanted to save the marriage. I want to make it work for our son’s sake. Baby’s so attached to Bolo that there are times he’d wake up in the middle of the night crying out his Tatay’s name. There was one time when I sent Bolo packing and Baby ran out of the room only to come back with his own set of shirts and threw it along his Tatay’s pile of clothes. That was enough to make me rethink my decision.
Second, there was attachment. Of course. Bolo and I have come a long, long way and it wasn’t always bad. There were good times too and when I think about those times I would be made to believe that there is still hope for us. That we could still work it out.
But Bolo is a basketcase. He's far too flawed for my inept attempt at playing psychologist-cum-counselor. While he does listen and make subtle attempts at changing himself, his conditioning is far too ingrained to be reversed by a few minutes of soul-searching and deep conversations.
And I’m far too flawed myself to be able to deal with his drama unconditionally. I’m far too attached, too close to the situation to be able to detach myself and deal with the whole situation objectively. My own set of drama’s often gets in the way. More often than not, I’m torn between trying to be understanding and patient and pinpointing to him what he did wrong and how he could better himself – to reacting strongly to the “injustice” and abuse he threw at me.
More often than not, I choose to react and play along with his drama. Meet his fire with my own fire. In our case, it’s not that one strives to be cold while the other is hot. Always, it’s hot temper versus steaming indignation. And that is why the fight often turns ugly. So in actuality, I do Bolo more harm than good. I only fuel his own rage, not help him deal with it.
And where is Baby amidst all of these? If before it is Baby that makes me want to hold on to the relationship, now it’s also because of Baby why I just want to let things be.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how I deserve someone else, someone who would be returning my sacrifices and efforts in equal measure. Lately, I’ve been daydreaming about that faceless someone who would be my equal, who would see my value and worth for what it is; someone who would also be worthy to receive the same value and regard from me.
Deserve. If it comes to that, Baby and I deserve to be loved in full measure. It doesn’t have to be a perfect love but the kind that strives to always better itself for the sake of the loved ones. I know and declare that Baby and I deserve respect and high regard. I wouldn’t want to settle for what is less than that.
A little while back, in a moment of weakness, I wished that it wouldn’t have to be someone else. I wouldn’t want to love someone else other than Bolo. I wouldn’t want some faceless someone to share with me and my son a good life somewhere down the road. I would still want it to be Bolo – tamed, and better schooled and equipped at loving. Such as I would be better schooled and equipped at loving someone stripped of my own expectations and drama.
Just hurry up Tay, work at yourself, Baby and I will be waiting…
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