On Conflict, Understanding and Making Up

This morning, I woke up to Bolo’s snuggling up to me and whispering, “In love man gyud ta isa’t-isa B noh?” (We must really be in love with each other, are we not?” Then he whispered again so softly, “I love you so much B. I could not bear the thought of losing you.” It was spoken so softly I had to ask him to repeat what he said.

What a way to wake up to huh? We had a spat again yesterday. Yeah, again. And again it was quite…well… “fiery.” But as fast as the flames erupted, we were also able to resolve it immediately. Nonetheless, the episode left me drained for the entire morning.

When we were both rational enough to sift through the hurting words and discuss the issue at hand, we were both dismayed to discover that what each one was fighting for is really valid. I mean, the whole thing was really just a case of misunderstanding.

Well, he refused to do something for me, citing Baby as an excuse. That did not sit well with me however, noting how he could flit off whenever and wherever he wanted to regardless of his having to tag Baby along. His excuse created an opportunity for me to harp on how he could always jump at the chance to help other people and yet be less charitable towards his family who should matter the most.

To dissect through all the rubbish talk, the whole issue was really like this – (a) Obviously, I certainly have an issue about him being always eager to go out with his friends than being with me; (b) He hates the fact that I’m curtailing his freedom to flit off and have some time for himself; (c) The real reason why he’s refusing really is that he’s not confident about facing doctors and nurses who might ask him things he knew nothing of.

That was it really. It’s just that we have certain issues we haven’t really openly discussed with each other yet. So, with the slightest trigger, those issues rose right up to the surface and so another skirmish began…

When I learned about how the thought of asking for medical records and being asked something he might not be able to answer properly is leaving him feeling incompetent and fearful, my temper deflated like a balloon pricked by a needle. My anger evaporated like smoke. It was replaced with understanding and well, compassion. I mean, sure I could understand that. I also feel the same way when I’m being asked to handle something I feel is way beyond my ken. So his excuse is valid really. I was still smarting from the argument but I mellowed down a bit and chided him for not voicing out his real concern.

When everything was threshed out and we found out each other’s claims are really valid, I felt sorry we had to go through all those nonsense, had to say hurtful things to each other just because we had our signals crossed. Isn’t that a pity? Not to mention, such a waste of energy too.

I sit here now and think, what if in the exchange of words we managed to hurt each other so much that we were not able to discuss things rationally? What could have happened? We'd go on individually nursing our bruised pride and harboring ill feelings towards each other? What if he and I focused on the hurtful words and refused to look past them to find out what the real issue is? What then?

How many times did it happen that we say hurtful things to each other in the heat of the moment? And why is that? Reflecting on the matter, I think it’s a kind of a defense really. One hurl out hurtful things to mask the fact that the other had managed to hurt your feelings. It’s all pride talking really. (No wonder, pride is cited as one of the capital sins. I always wondered about that when I first encountered the word in grade school… I was trying so hard to understand each cited venial and capital sin to avoid committing them, lest I will not go to heaven hehehe Those were the days… And I thought life was already so complicated then hehehe what does a seven-year-old kid know, anyway? Hehehe)

But back to the future… 2o++ years after hehehe… I am discovering about how destructive pride could be… And it’s really a no way to be. That is, if you really value your relationships…

Good thing about Bolo and I -- while we are both passionate, hard-headed, stubborn individuals – we are quick at drawing up from the very core that holds this relationship together and that is our love for each other.

Really, when you are in a middle of a conflict, it is so easy to cling on one’s pride to the detriment of each other. There is always the tendency to just focus on the hurtful words that was said and not on the underlying issue behind it. It’s sad really since if one would just try to understand where the other is coming from then it is also a lot easier to iron out the conflict at hand…

Sometimes I would think, why not avoid conflict altogether by immediately trying to understand where the other is coming from. But that’s reality. Conflicts indeed arise. Every relationship goes through it. And more often than not, the “understanding” does not come that easily while temper and anger can be set off, even with the slightest excuse. Yeah, come to think of it, “understanding” is more difficult. Both partners had to work at it. Anger and temper on the other hand, could come so easily. So I guess, it really takes commitment to try and understand each other in a partnership. A part of me is quick to add – you’ve got to have the love too.

Oh well, marriage is not just a bed of roses alright. I knew that even then – cerebrally. Now I know about it “bodysoulfully” hehehe since I’m living right through it. I’ll admit, it could be quite taxing, having to go through conflict. It could be pretty draining. And Bolo and I have talked about that already. So we’re like trying to avoid going through similar episodes. Well, we’re working at it. I’m praying we would be able to build more on what really sustains our relationship than on what could only destroy it. Because, as Mama pointed out to me – I have a wonderful husband who puts up with me and my tantrums and my selfishness. She said I would not be able to find another one like him… I love you B.

For My Little One

credits to: newschiz

I'd Give My Life For You/

You who i cradled in my arms
You asking as little as you can
Little snip of a little man
I know i'd give my life for you

You didn't ask me to be born
You why should you learn of war or pain?
To make sure you're not hurt again
I swear I'd give my life for you

I've tasted love beyond all fear
And you should know it's love
that brought you here
And in one perfect night
when the stars burned like new,
I knew what I must do

I'll give you a million things I'll never own
I'll give you a world to conquer when you're grown
You will be who you want to be
You, can choose whatever heaven grants
As long as you can have your chance
I swear I'll give my life for you

Sometimes I wake up
reaching for him
I feel his shadow brush my head
But there's just moonlight on my bed

Was he a ghost was he a lie?
That made my body laugh and cry?
Then by my side the proof i see
his little one, gods of the sun,
bring him to me!

You will be who you want to be
You, can choose whatever heaven grants
As long as you can have your chance
I swear i'll give my life for you

No one can stop what i must do
I swear i'll give my life for you!

Nudged, Once Again

The finest sensual things in life -- delicious food,

beautiful music and exquisite fabrics, for instance --

all require time to create. So remember

that there is a direct correlation between time spent on a
project

and the overall quality of the outcome.

If you want to rush through things today

and do the bare minimum, that is your choice to make.

But you need to be aware of the consequences.

Taking shortcuts may save you time,

but will it give you complete satisfaction?

Above reads my horroscope for the day. And for once I just want to keep still to let all the words really sink in and settle on my being...

Correlation between time and quality of outcome... beautiful music... the finest silk... genuine work of art... a winning proposal... love-wrought relationships...

Loving Remotely

This is the second time I’ve done this – “virtually” watching baby over at a corner of my monitor screen. Bolo is broadcasting him via webcam. He needed to attend to the washing machine downstairs, taking advantage while Baby is sleeping. His instruction was to give him a ring the second Baby stirs and shows sign of waking up. The wonders of technology huh? :)

In truth, I’m really tickled by this :) I mean, isn’t this cute? “Remote” babysitting? Hehehe But it feels good to still have a part in tending to Baby despite my not being physically there. It’s really amazing, I could actually see him breathing while he sleeps!

Ah, I really love my baby and my husband too for all that he has done for both Baby and I. Truly feel so blessed. I told him as much last night… But that would have to wait. I still have work to do hehehe

42:25

It was probably my worst time ever hehehe The first time I joined a 5K run I clocked in 32:25 which was not bad really. The second time, I clocked in 26:22 which earned me the third place in the women’s category. That was in 2002 at the Emcor Fun Run. After that, my time would run between 25:00 and 29:00. Ah there was a time I clocked in 30:00ish but that was because I had fever then hehehe When Bolo found out (He was in an Island Congress then so was not able to accompany me.), he scolded me no end. He told me there was nothing healthy about it at all. That sobered me up. I realized it defeated the very purpose why I was joining the runs in the first place. I guess it had become sort of a competition again. With myself that is because I was constantly trying to improve on my personal time.

Two to three Sundays ago – I think – I participated again in a fun run after a year of not doing so. Well, August of last year I joined a race and that was even way, way tougher than a 5k run. But anyway, so I did participate in a 5K run again and clocked in my worst time ever :)

Actually, I wasn’t on my own. Ava, an office mate, informed me about the run and urged me to participate with her. And of course, as expected, Bolo joined me.

In the light of my year long “inactivity,” Bolo’s been telling me to take it real slow. He cautioned about me pushing myself again. So I guess I was already somewhat expecting a real low clock time but I guess I did not expect it to be that bad though hehehe I guess I was a bit disappointed especially when I remembered making a 10K run in just a little over that time.

In truth though, I was more grateful for the experience than anything. I felt satisfied I’m up and about again. I’m looking forward to more of the same :)